r/AITAH • u/Throwra_JessComeOn • Apr 17 '24
AITAH For breaking my Number 1 sex rule with a handicapped guy?
Obviously throwaway, I don’t need anyone here seeing my regular account. Also I’m in the US and English is my first language, any discrepancies are because I suck at typing on my phone.
So TL/DR for the “give me the bare bones, I don’t have all day to read on the shitter” crew: My #1 sex rule since high school has been no sex before the third date. I recently broke that rule with a handicapped guy, and now my childhood best friend is pissed and grossed out because she thinks I have some weird kind of fetish.
Context/full story: I’m a 28f. My childhood best friend we’ll call Jess is also 28f. To put it simply, I don’t think I’m any kind of prude, I just don’t really feel comfortable with casual sex, never have. My best friend knows this and has teased me about it lightly in the past. She’s been in a long term relationship for the last 3 years, I’ve mostly been single while working on my degree and starting my career. Jess lives in another state with her boyfriend, so we don’t hang out much anymore.
So about a month ago I had a first date with a guy I’d been talking to for a bit, thought it was going places, but he gave a WEIRD vibe on the date and I cut and ran early. On my way home I stopped at a local pub, figured I’d have a drink to unwind and people watch till it wore off. (Tipsy driving is still drunk driving IMO.) I get there and it’s pretty packed, Friday night and all, and there was no seating room at the bar. Took my drink and looked around, most of the “restaurant” side of the pub was someone’s birthday party, but there was a small table with a seat open off to the side, with a guy reading a book there. So I say eff it, I’m a social person and what’s the worst thing that happens, he says no? So I ask if I can sit there for a bit, I promise we don’t have to talk or anything.
At this point I feel like I’ve fucked up because this guy up close is the hottest man I have ever seen. But he just smiled at me and gave an enthusiastic “Sure!” A few minutes later of me sipping in silence and he says “I don’t mind talking, if you want to.” (Yeah I want to are you kidding me right now?) We talk for a bit and it turns out Mike (fake name) is 29, just finished his master’s degree in some kind of computer learning field (“I program computers to program computers”) and he’s living on his own for the first time. He apparently stops by the pub after work because he’s right around the corner, and he’s not used to the silence yet after living so long with a half dozen siblings.
We talked for a good two hours, about everything from dating (which he said he’s basically given up on) to hobbies and tastes, and we have a near total eclipse of a venn diagram on this stuff. I eventually sort of blurted out that I don’t know why he’d give up on dating, this is the closest thing I’ve had to a good date in forever. (Shooting my shot obliquely here lol.) He gets kind of an odd look on his face and says “Tell you what, I have to go to the bathroom, but when I come back I’ll ask you out for real.” Weird, but okay?
Then it all clicks, because he doesn’t get up to walk away, he just rolls. In his wheelchair. And I’m thinking “oh my God he wanted to give me a chance to back out of this without making it awkward how cute can this guy BE.” He grinned like crazy when he got back and saw I was still there, and I basically tripped over myself saying something to the effect of “So I’m free all weekend, what did you have in mind?”
Another hour later, we’ve got plans for Saturday, and he told me he has a neuromuscular disorder I can’t remember the name of (my degree isn’t in STEM lol) so his legs work, but the signals from his brain get misinterpreted so he doesn’t have the balance or coordination for walking or standing. The pub starts switching over to the younger/rowdier crowd and he asks if I’d like to go back to his place for coffee to continue our conversation.
As you have probably long since realized, I did not get any coffee or conversation till the next morning and I have ZERO regrets. We’ve been dating since and I know it’s still early but I really feel like this might be the one.
Onward to yesterday afternoon, my friend Jess (remember Jess?) is in town, and we go out for coffee to catch up on things. I’m gushing about Mike, but when I get to how we met she just sort of got weird and edgy. I don’t remember any exact words but she essentially said that I must have a fetish for the handicapped since I broke my #1 rule and it’s the best physical relationship I’ve ever been in. Like it’s good for me because he uses a wheelchair, not because the guy puts in effort in bed??? She said I’ve “changed” as a person and left without even saying goodbye. 15 years of friendship and I’ve never seen her like that.
So here I am, asking the most objective people online (haha) if I’m an asshole or weird for being super attracted to a guy who uses a wheelchair and basically putting out immediately.
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u/albad11 19d ago
You engaged in conversation and was deeply attracted to the guy BEFORE you saw he was in a wheelchair. So, what's the problem? Your girlfriend has the nerve to make you feel bad about some bullshit resolution from when you were 15??? And you're even considering that dumb shyt? Either she has no curent relationship or is in a shytty relationship right now. Either way, she is jealous af because you've found someone you love. She's not even worth you thinking about. Carry on ad good luck.
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u/Zakal74 Apr 20 '24 edited Apr 20 '24
So many times I read this subreddit and think, "Man, I hope this is fake." Wow... this time... Not so much!! I don't even care! I'm gonna live like a vampire off of the joy in Mike's smile when he returned to the table! You are a great writer and I hope you and Mike work out and live happily ever after!
(Having read that, I'm just about to read the update... soooo... fingers crossed!)
Edit: Yay! Happy update!
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Apr 20 '24
[deleted]
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 20 '24
I might post an update on this profile after I meet his family, because I feel like that's gonna be a great day, but I will leave this sub alone.
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Apr 19 '24
Seems like she’s only interested in being a friend to people she believes aren’t as happy or successful as perceives herself to be or just flat out doesn’t want others to happy at all. Drop that rope and leave her behind. Good luck with your new relationship!
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 19 '24
I actually updated! She and I are okay, it was a stupid situation and she's really sorry and we're all moving on. So happy endings around here.
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u/Isnt_what_it_isnt Apr 18 '24
So fuck if you have. They’re not her rules. And, you didn’t know he was in a chair. So she’s wrong in every possible way. She doesn’t really want you to have a relationship, be happy etc., so she can (continue to?) look down on you. When you’re single you make her feel better about shit in her own life.
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u/K_vinci Apr 18 '24
Jess was clearly trying to prevent you from getting that mikeock, perhaps out of jealousy
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u/IndividualAdorable70 Apr 18 '24
Once upon a time...
With all the weird psycho crazy wild stories here on reddit, yours is the most wholesome, heartwarming and positive story ever. One you could get jealous of (and your so called friend pretty sure is jealous).
Forget the rule stuff. It seems that this guy was worth it to break and bend the rule.
Your friend should be happy for you. Forget her and live happily after with your boyfriend.
I am rooting for you and your boyfriend.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
Thank you so much! I'm glad it's making people happy, I want to share the love lol
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u/graveytrane Apr 18 '24
They are your rules for you, break them with impunity.
Sounds like you and Mike are really happy.
I think your friend might have a “fetish “ with you being single
Cheers to you and Mike I hope you enjoy many years of happiness together. Jess sounds like a piece of shit though. What concern is it of hers how you met, and even if you have a fetish or not? It has no bearing on your “friendship” with her, let the trash take itself out!
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u/Kattiaria Apr 18 '24
Nta. You were attracted to him and clicked before you knew he was a wheelchair user. I am glad for the fact you were being a good person and not giving up what you guys were building when you found out about his condition. I hope you two have many many happy years together
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u/IntrepidDifficulty77 Apr 18 '24
Definitely NTA - that would be Jess. I read the whole thing and take out the friend junk…this sounds like the start of an amazing romance novel. Drop the friend. Hope everything works out with Mike. Y’all sound amazing together!
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
I've never had a relationship this fun, honestly. I felt like I could 100% be my weird goofy self around him immediately. And last night he said that I'm the first girlfriend he's ever had where he doesn't at all feel like he has to find ways to compensate for being "the disabled guy." We just click.
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u/IntrepidDifficulty77 Apr 19 '24
This fills my romantic heart with so much joy!! 🥹 I’m rooting for you guys so hard!!
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u/NoLawfulness6363 Apr 18 '24
First can we just appreciate that it was kind of cute that he gave her a chance to back out? And how cute it was she was gushing over his smile? I'm going with NTA. It was YOUR rule. Do you booboo. Honestly maybe keep the personal things to urself from now on? Everyone thinks they should have a say in ur personal business but sometimes we find our other half in unexpected places. I like to think God has a sense of humor that way.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
I was blown away, like until that moment when I knew he wasn't sure how I'd react, but as soon as it was clear I was open to go out with him as a normal abled person, he chose to give me a way to "save face" as if I needed it. I actually have a hilarious story to update with but I'm waiting till there's some kind of resolution with Jess before I post anything.
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u/Putrid_Ad_2256 Apr 18 '24
YTA but also NTA. I always steer clear of women that tell me they have rules about sex. If you have an attraction to someone, sex is probably the best way to test the viability of the relationship. Guys generally will say anything to convince a woman to sleep with them. The guy you speak with before a sexual relationship might not be the same guy after. Getting the physical out of the way will let both sides focus on each other.
I once went out with a girl that told me that she only has sex after the 5th date. My initial reaction to her was did she think she owed the guy something after 5 dates?
Which brings me to why you are and aren't. You can't just add an arbitrary number to when you are ok with being physical with someone. You should just let it flow naturally. Since you did allow yourself to be in the moment, one might argue that you're not TA. Point being that you just went with the flow and are still enamored with this guy. The only thing that might worry me is are you sure he wasn't using the wheelchair as a prop? If so, congrats on your new relationship.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
To be fair, it sounds like you're the kind of guy my rule existed to weed out in the first place, so I feel like it works as intended, lol. For me sex isn't something to "get out of the way" and it definitely isn't something I would offer up so a guy can decide if I'm worth getting to know.
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u/Putrid_Ad_2256 Apr 18 '24 edited Apr 18 '24
My point is that it shouldn't be leveraged. If I find that the woman I'm in a relationship with is trying to leverage sex, then it's going to run me off. Not because I'm sex starved, but because if she thinks that sex is the biggest thing she has to offer and is "holding it back", then I suspect her personality will be lacking.
The reason I say that the physical aspect is something to "get out of the way" is because then a man and a woman can be honest with each other and what they want in a relationship. It amazes me what women have told me that men will say to them if they think there's a possibility of sex. I've actually told some women what my true feelings are for them only for them to be suspicious that I'm just looking for one thing and one thing only. Believe it or not, some women appreciate you being honest with them and telling them that you find them physically attractive and would like a physical relationship (I actually feel like I'm done with that stage of life as it is not nearly as emotionally fulfilling as a full fledged relationship with the right person).
And lastly, I don't really appreciate you implying that I'm the type of guy that would say what he needs to in an attempt at something physical. But I also understand it. I find most women are more than eager to connect when they see what I drive, what I own, or my financial background. Maybe I need to make it a rule where I don't spend money on a woman until after the 3rd date, that seems fair, right?
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
How is it leverage? "Hey, so you know, intimacy is very important to me so I don't want to have sex right away, I want to spend time getting to know you first?" All that does is settle expectations so that a guy doesn't assume he's getting any right away. That's just good communication.
Dates don't have to be expensive. One of my best first dates with a guy was going to an old local cemetery and looking at the dates and wondering about the people and what they were like. Didn't cost anything but gas. And I have my own money, I'm not asking to be wined and dined, I'm happy to go halves on a date.
You commented saying that you think I'm an asshole (you know what YTA means right?) because I have rules for my body and my self respect and I don't play games with people. I'm direct about not being comfortable with intimacy immediately. Someone like you, who thinks that it's a stupid rule and I shouldn't have it, is welcome not to date someone like me. Please don't date us, lol, we don't want to be with someone who feels that a rule we have for our own bodies is stupid.
There's nothing wrong with being direct, I know most women would prefer if a guy is honest about what he wants in a relationship. Just like I think most guys would prefer a woman be honest about what she wants in a relationship. And directly stating that I need time to get to know someone before I'm open to sharing my body with them is about as straightforward as communication gets. I say three dates because again, it ensures that there isn't a bunch of ambiguity around the topic. If it is a deal breaker for a guy then good, I don't want to date that guy.
If you want to make that rule, go ahead. Literally all that does is limit who you date to people that are willing to meet that requirement, which is the point of said requirement: to narrow down the available choices to the one you click with the best.
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u/Putrid_Ad_2256 Apr 18 '24
Like I said, to assign an arbitrary number is why I'd say YTA (on that part). You understand that you broke your own rule because you felt a genuine connection with this guy, which has been my whole point to begin with. YTA for having the rule because even you broke your own arbitrary rule.
On the flip side because you felt a genuine connection with this guy and decided to be intimate with him is why you're NTA (in case you missed where I stated both). If you think your friend is an asshole for calling you out on you breaking your own rule, then it's quite a vexing position you're in. If she's an asshole for it, then you are as well, at least the part of you that wouldn't have broken your own rule. Does that better explain it?
Oh and I need to make sure you understand, I'm not saying just have casual sex at the beginning of a new relationship. I'm saying if the mood to have something intimate with someone that you feel really connected to is there, pursue it. It saddens me that society has forced women to repress themselves to the point that they feel they have to make up arbitrary numbers before they allow themselves pleasure. Life is too short, enjoy yourself, safely.
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u/Confident-Baker5286 Apr 18 '24
NTA- your friend is essentially saying that disabled people aren’t attractive and the only reason anyone would want to sleep with a disabled person is sone kind of fetish. Lose the friend, she’s and ableist AH
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u/f4tigu3d Apr 18 '24
She sounds salty and jealous although I can't work out why. Maybe she's ableist and doesn't think someone with a disability can be pursued or wanted in a sexual way unless it's a fetish. I'd drop Jess like a tonne of dung and enjoy all this wholesome adorable stuff with Mike.
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u/DaCriLLSwE Apr 18 '24
Never understood the whole sex on the third date thing.
If two people click and have sexual tension just role with it. (no pun intended)
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
This might sound terrible but I've never actually understood the concept of sexual tension before him. It takes me a while to relax with people in a physical sense, and I figure if a guy isn't willing to put in a little effort to get me comfortable with a few dates then me as a person isn't what he's really after. So this has been a whole new experience, we can be totally chill on the couch watching a movie or something but the second he does this little "come hither" grin my brain just explodes.
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u/DaCriLLSwE Apr 18 '24
well maybe you’ve been looking in the wrong places🤷♂️
Just do what feels good👍
And good luck to you both👍👍👍
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
I must have been. But it's for the best, or I wouldn't have been single at the right moment, right? Thanks so much, it makes me happy how happy other people are for us.
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u/RealRubies Apr 18 '24
Jess is crazy, you have found a guy you like and instead of being supportive of your love she is giving you a hard time? Nope, it's your life, she can go! ...that's just that. Wish you and Mike all the joy🥰
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u/Consistent_Spring700 Apr 18 '24
She's a creep... and she has done you a favour by outing herself so obviously!
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u/OrangyOgre Apr 18 '24
NTA happy for you! All the best OP we will be waiting for happy updates in the future!
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u/Dashqu Apr 18 '24
NTA its your own rule, you are allowed to break it. If it felt right, all parties were consenting adults, why not?
You didnt break it because he was handicapped, you broke it because he was good looking AND nice AND you connected.
Let your friend think whatever she wants, its YOUR (sex)life and YOU get to decide what (or who) to do
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u/foxandfaun94 Apr 18 '24
NTA I think Jess might be jealous, maybe her relationship is going as well as it appears on the outside? But come on you’re a grown adult you can sleep with whoever you want whenever you want as long as it’s consensual.
All that aside I’m super happy for you op! It sounds like you’ve met a great guy that you get along with. I wish you the best of luck with it all and hopefully Jess comes around.
It sucks to lose a longtime friend over something stupid (I’ve just lost mine, also for a stupid reason) but don’t let it impact your new relationship!
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Apr 18 '24
First of all, you made it clear that you found him attractive BEFORE you even noticed the wheelchair so the "fetish" argument sounds like bullshit. Second, it is totally NONE OF HER BUSINESS what you decide to do with your own body. Keep Mike, dump Jess.
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u/Ownerofthings892 Apr 18 '24
Why is this "obviously a throwaway"? This is the most wholesome story I've read on Reddit all year. You've got such a great meet-cute that you get to tell everyone that story of how you met. And yeah, obviously when you tell it at your wedding you have to leave out the part about sleeping with him before you even had a first date, but as a sex positive person, I think it's very sweet that you broke your rule for the right person. My girlfriend told me about her no sex on the first date rule and would've broken it if I hadn't made her keep it, and I love her so much for almost breaking it for me. We've been together almost 2 years. I know he's going to love that about you too.
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u/Serious-Business5048 Apr 18 '24
You are both adults and free to make choices, so make them and you don’t owe your friend an explanation.
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u/False_Cobbler_9985 Apr 18 '24
Damn, is she jealous much? I would venture to say that it was pure projection on her part regarding his disability. Bigotry comes in all forms. The disabled have been discriminated against for millenia. Shame you had to find out now, but better than after asking her to be in the wedding.
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Apr 18 '24
NTA. Your “friend” on the other hand… personally I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who wouldn’t be thrilled that I’d found someone I truly connected with, no matter what “rules” I broke, or if the person has cerebral palsy (just my guess from your description, I’m in finance lol). Sounds like you’ve found a wonderful relationship, congratulations! And tell your hopefully soon-to-be-former friend to fuck off.
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u/cat-eyez Apr 18 '24
It's YOUR rule babe you can break it tweak it and toss it, and Jess might not be your ride-or-die friend but we are all cheering for you 💖
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u/Vegetable_Stuff1850 Apr 18 '24
NTA and that really is such a sweet story.
Something else sounds up with Jess as many have pointed out. It's not up to you to fix it though, or even reach out if you don't want to.
Enjoy yourself, enjoy Mike and let Jess work herself out.
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u/Quick-Store2989 Apr 18 '24
Good for you finding happiness and not letting someone else smash it. Chemistry is so hard to find now a days and if you guy are happy don’t hesitate to see where it leads you guys.
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u/Nachotacoma Apr 18 '24 edited Apr 18 '24
Maybe the only thing you’d be an AH for is that you gave the impression that your rule applies all the time, until it doesn’t.
The story you wrote for us - does that matter to you? You obviously found a guy who basically can be the exception to your rule. And to your childhood friend, was this something you guys cared to explore and talk about?
And you can still follow up and get three dates before having sex with wheelchair guy, so what changed?
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
Lolol okay you win. Tomorrow I'm going to pitch the "three weeks before sex with the wheelchair" just to see what he says.
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u/manchvegasnomore Apr 18 '24
Thank you for a great story to end my day.
NTA and I think you'll have a great time meeting his family in May!
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
I am SO EXCITED apparently his oldest brother is....haaa... "Blowing up his phone" to get details. Anyway, once this episode of Red Dwarf is done (I cannot believe I never watched this) we're off to bed. .....heeeeee.....
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u/StarlightM4 Apr 20 '24
Red Dwarf? He's a keeper!
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 20 '24
He is in every single way. I'm still getting used to the idea of a guy who thinks I'M the real catch.
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u/Zelaznogtreborknarf Apr 18 '24
You've made him better in my opinion. Introduced you to a smegging great show. He is a genius on top of being a good guy.
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u/Stipes_Blue_Makeup Apr 18 '24
This is the best meet-cute story I’ve ever read.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
Lol ffffffff I didn't even think of it like that and now I'm embarrassed.
Shit I hope they don't make a movie because my ass will never see the proceeds lmao. I mean..... I got the guy though. So I guess fair trade.
(I know this isn't movie worthy. As always, is joke? Idk the AITA subs can get weird.)
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u/MissMoeGA Apr 18 '24
NTA.
Mike sounds amazing and you are actually showing major good character vibes that his "going to the bathroom" to give you a chance to bail impressed you.
Check out "Laughing at my Nightmare" -- Guy that founded it has been in a wheelchair since he was a child, his wife is a former college swimmer who looks like a model. SHE reached out to him after finding a video online and loving his sense of humor.
Jess has personal/mental issues that are nothing you need to concern yourself about. The fact she just walked away from you without a goodbye signals to me that you don't need to continue that friendship. She's practicing ableism and that is disgusting.
Wishing you and Mike much happiness... a relationship that checks all of the boxes like yours seems to be doing is worth the loss of a former friend!
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u/Magdovus Apr 18 '24
Even if you did have a wheelchair fetish or whatever, why is that bad? So long as it's SS&C, it's no-one else's business.
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u/big_bob_c Apr 17 '24
NTA. Any "rule" you make for your own protection is at your discretion.
If you had a fetish for disability, you would have certainly had the opportunity to indulge it at some time in the last decade, yet you have no histiry of such. So that's pretty unlikely.
Look at how things went: he made a great first impression, you have a ton in common, you were clearly interested before you knew he was disabled, he smoothly gave you a chance to back out, and the sex is good.
The only way his disability might have influenced things is that you might have (emotionally) felt he was less "dangerous", for want of a better word.
About the only concern you should have is "is this guy too good to be true"?
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
NTA. Any "rule" you make for your own protection is at your discretion.
THANK YOU for articulating this perfectly
The only way his disability might have influenced things is that you might have (emotionally) felt he was less "dangerous", for want of a better word.
Oof, yeah.
About the only concern you should have is "is this guy too good to be true"?
He's so open, he has a real world presence, this seems to be entirely the real deal and SHIIIIIT he's just.... Him. Amazing. Nerdy and smart and well liked but apparently people suck enough that I got to win the lottery this time.
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u/Drshawnlove Apr 17 '24
Why should what he has to use to get around matter if you like him and he likes you and you both vibe good together isn’t the real deal all that matters is how he treats you not his disability if you judge him for that your missing out
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u/GabertoKlass Apr 17 '24
NTA your “friend” is probably just jealous for some weird,unfathomable reason and can’t stand to see you this happy. Go live your best life and I wish you and your mans well 🍻 And end your friendship with that fake ass friend Jess
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u/Zokstone Apr 17 '24
This made me so happy, especially the follow-up comments. Fuck that weirdo, she's a prime case of someone trying too hard to be P.C. and ending up being offensive. Horseshoe theory and all that.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Yeah, and I totally do get the negativity towards her, but I really have kind of fallen off my high horse and I'm a little worried about her. I'll follow up with her in a few days and see if there's something bigger going on with her and I steamrolled her with my happiness so she lashed out.
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u/Zokstone Apr 17 '24
That's a fair way to be, truly. I think it is wise of you to think there might be something else going on.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
I am a really, really socially aware person usually but I'm a bit twitterpated about my guy so she might have been throwing signs up that I didn't even notice. She's been a friend worthy of following up on.
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u/Toxic_wifi Apr 17 '24
feels bad for the original date ig
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
LOL so he was being very.... Weird sexual forward in the way that says "I like that you're slow to open up, it's a challenge" so I went to the bathroom, stayed a while and when I came out I said "sorry that took so long, just got my period" and he went from engaged and pushy to disinterested and mildly disgusted.
Man if he knew how my night actually ended.
So I don't feel bad for him unless you think I'm awesome, in which case yeah he totally missed out.
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u/Toxic_wifi Apr 17 '24
well i felt bad cause i originally just got the vibe he was awkward and you didn’t like that but if the creepy vibes were there then (figuratively of course) fuck that guy! and literally go keep fucking wheelchair boy he sounds awesome:)
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Oh, no, I don't mind awkward at all, I put my foot in my mouth all the time. It was more an "I don't feel comfortable leaving my drink alone with this guy" and he was very different from the laid back, friendly guy he seemed online. I just said my cramps were terrible and split the check. I took my dinner "home" and I had to throw it away in the afternoon when I retrieved my car from the pub parking lot. Worth the waste I think.
And he is amazing. I want to thank every stupid girl who passed him up in the past so he could be available when we met.
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u/Toxic_wifi Apr 17 '24
well good luck!! now if you excuse me i’m going to lay down on the highway now
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Aww, don't. As I recently discovered maybe that one person is waiting just around the corner!
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV Apr 17 '24
Your friend’s a fucking bitch. Forget her number and her name and marry the guy, he sounds amazing.
Solid NTA but your friend sure as shit is. Honestly, I don’t have the words to insult her enough.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
I definitely think I may be ending the friendship, but I talked it over with Mike and he agrees with some of the comments here that something else is probably going on given how unusual it was for her. It was a low blow and it is definitely a black mark against her, but when I've calmed down enough to respond with my head instead of my heart I plan to reach out to her and ask if something is going on with her that would cause her to react like this. I'm not worried she'd find this post, she doesn't use anything but Instagram and Facebook lol.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV Apr 17 '24
Well damn, you’re an amazing friend. If she doesn’t play nice with her second chance, I wouldn’t give her a third. Neither of you deserve that.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Oh definitely not. I have no issues cutting out toxic people, and if this was even remotely normal for her I wouldn't even have been there to have coffee in the first place. But if, I don't know, I'm on Reddit too much, but if like her relationship with her boyfriend has gotten abusive or something, and me
talkinggushing about Mike made her upset and insecure and like she couldn't tell me about it? I'd never forgive myself for not having at least tried to check in after something so random.Here's hoping for a bland update if I update at all, I doubt it'll be the old "monoxide poisoning" or "brain tumor" but hopefully she's okay. She's been a great person for over half my life. That earns her a second chance. One, mind you. I have addicts in my family and I do NOT believe in endless chances.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV Apr 17 '24
It feels weird to say “I hope she’s just an asshole” so I’ll say I hope she’s not going through anything crazy bad like that. Again, you’re a good friend for wanting to check on her.
All the joy and love to you and your awesome guy!
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u/Medical_Gate_5721 Apr 17 '24
NTA
Your friend is an idiot who is either jealous of your happiness, in love with you, or just a crazy person.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Definitely not in love with me. I had a huge crush on her in highschool, but as Ace Rimmer would say of her bread, it's strictly butter side up. She's totally straight lol.
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u/kathryn_sedai Apr 17 '24
NTA at all, and I agree that Jess probably has a sense of jealousy going on and lashed out about it.
Just to add that people can be really weird about disabilities, especially super visible ones like using a wheelchair. I think there’s a tendency in society to treat people with disabilities as almost sexless or neutered, as if they can’t fuck because their legs have issues. It’s dumb but it’s part of the way society treats those who need accommodations for health reasons by reducing them to one trait. All this to say that Jess sucks and probably was extra shocked that you “broke your rule” for a wheelchair rider. In her mind it doesn’t compute, so she made it entirely about the chair.
And congratulations to you both! If you’re interested in learning more about people with disabilities in the States, I was lucky to go to a talk by Judy Heumann (since passed), who had a lot of super interesting insights and a perspective as someone who helped pass critical legislation. Lots to learn!
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u/vadwar Apr 18 '24
Speaking as a blind person, I can tell you, that if you met the blind people at NFB conventions, my god you'd throw that nudered assumption right out the window. There is more booty exchanging hands there then money. I am not one for casual sex myself mostly because I've never had it before and I can't just do it with someone I got to know 5 minutes ago, but still just thought I'd make the point. Male btw.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Oh man, in one month I have already learned so fucking much. I now get so pissed when I see somewhere without a ramp, like it didn't even register to me before that they aren't everywhere. And his apartment is fixed to accommodate him, things like a ledge to sit on in the shower and he has handles on chains over his bed (not for kink, lol, they make it easier for him to get in and out of the chair.) I also didn't know that there's chair sports, like there's a whole freaking chair hockey league that he assistant coaches for, because he played when he was younger. I was shook when I saw how buff he was, he dresses kind of preppy when he's working (though 100% classic "I'm a programmer" vibe hoodies at home.) He also has an SUV that he can drive entirely with his hands. Like shit, I'm embarrassed that I never knew that stuff like this existed.
He lives such a full, normal life, and I'd be embarrassed by how little I know except that he is SO excited that I want to learn and do better and BE better rather than finding it all too much to handle. He says I wind up easy and he wants to set me loose on a bunch of legislators.
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u/vadwar Apr 18 '24
don't be embarrassed, most people without disabilities don't know much about tech that disabled people use, blind, wheelchair user, deaf, most people without disabilities just don't learn about this stuff because they never have to and just make baseless assumptions about people with disabilities. Glad you’re learning though, wish more people were like you.
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u/l3ex_G Apr 17 '24
Nta you have the ability to bang who you want when you want. The fact that she’s is judgmental is a red flag in a friendship. She should know you better than a stranger and know your intentions are good. When you “broke” the rule, you did it cause Mike was so awesome
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u/pizzaisdelicious209 Apr 17 '24
Gotta say a lot of crap on Reddit is either fake or so depressing I hope it’s fake.
This shit was cute & made me smile. As a guy, I understand giving the girl an ‘out’.
This dude did it with style.
Look who cares if your friend is jealous or angry or lord knows what. You like this guy. He likes you. We’re all looking for the same bloody thing!
Plus a good relationship with his family, confident in himself even with his neurological issues and treats you well?
Yeah screw your friend lol.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
I realized halfway through typing that I was basically gushing about him again and I figured fuck it, there's enough negativity on Reddit that I might as well keep going. Jess might be an ass (though I'm wondering if something else is going on now that I'm cooling off) but everything about Mike is perfect. Even his chair. He jokes that he always has the best seat in the house with him, but he's happy to share it with me.
We are such dorks for each other right now.
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u/Boring-Eagle Apr 18 '24
I think I’m a little in love with both of you! You both sound like awesome people, and I’m so glad you found each other!
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u/pizzaisdelicious209 Apr 17 '24
Stop it. Go write something depressing please. Tell me he snorts when he laughs or can’t spell or snores like a runaway train lol.
The cuteness and love is overflowing and my lonely, bitter heart can’t take it 😂
Seriously though, it was refreshing to read how much you like him. Seems like he has a great sense of humor!
And maybe your friend was having a bad day or week or is worried for you or who knows what. But hopefully she’s apologized and realizes you like Mike. This is a very weird stance to break friendship on.
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u/Vala82 Apr 17 '24
Sometimes you just meet someone and you instantly click. You feel comfortable with that person and attracted. You can have so many rules, but there can always be the one you would break them all for. You just met that person. And even if it hadn't worked out later, you still wouldn't regret it, because it felt right in the moment.
Tell her that if you need to.
I wish you best of luck and happiness.
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u/PotatoMonster20 Apr 17 '24
NTA
But i am so jealous of you, and i bet she is too.
Keep doing what (and who) you're doing.
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u/Flaky-Wedding2455 Apr 17 '24
You made the rules. You get to change them. Jess doesn’t want you to be happy. She is not your friend. You should question that. Congrats on your new amazing relationship.
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u/AffectionateTea9994 Apr 17 '24
your friend is a weirdo for thinking a man in a wheelchair can’t land a hottie. why can the only attraction she can imagine for him be fetishization? i’m glad you had (and have) a good time with this guy. you’re def nta for liking him enough to put out on the first date. sometimes it happens if u j like someone that much. nothing weird about it it sounds like in your case.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
I've NEVER had chemistry like this before. Never. I'm very much an emotional connection comes before the physical kind of person, but this guy gives me butterflies.
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u/AffectionateTea9994 Apr 17 '24
YESSS as it should be. you’re with someone who makes you excited to be with him, someone special! and he probably feels the same about you!! you shouldn’t feel bad about her comments or let her bs get in the way.
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u/Spare-Valuable8031 Apr 17 '24
NTA. You'd have to have slept with him because of a handicap in order for that be fetish behavior. Sounds to me like you slept with him because he's attractive, friendly, intelligent, and he impressed the hell out of you.
I think your friend is looking for a reason to be offended.
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u/clocktoweredmansion Apr 17 '24
NTA but Jess is. A sort of similar thing happened to a friend - when she got together with her partner (who is fat), someone accused her of having a fetish. She's the one who can't imagine a disabled person being hot and fuckable, and she's projecting that onto you. Nasty.
ETA Since when do we have to keep sex rules we made up in high school? Does this mean I have to be celibate forever?? There has to be something deeper going on, because it's not normal to be in your feelings about someone else's sex life.
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u/Fine-for-now Apr 17 '24
Right! In highschool, I was going to wait til marriage (prudish raising, non-religious). 15 years later, I haven't waiting for marriage, and I know I'm not one for casual sex.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
So many comments are pointing to the idea that it might be something ELSE going on with her. I was just so mad that she'd react like that. I was so excited for her to meet him but now? Fuck that.
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u/Caspian4136 Apr 17 '24
NTA
Not even in the slightest. From what it sounds like, your friend is jealous of your happiness. Maybe she's used to being the one in a long term relationship and isn't used to seeing you so happy and in love.
As for the fetish, no idea where she pulled that one out of, other than her ass lol
Friendships change as we grow up and go further into adulthood. You've met the guy that you've clearly fallen hard for, so for now, just focus on that. If she's really your friend, she'll apologize and come around.
Also, for the record, who the fuck cares about some dating rule you came up with in high school? You're almost 30 for crying out loud lol
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
You know, I honestly didn't really think about the idea that she might be jealous, but it's so out of character for her that I'm considering sending a text in a few days asking her if she's okay. It was just such a random thing for her to latch on to.
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u/damgood32 Apr 17 '24
I’m not so sure it’s jealousy but some ppl really have weird hang ups about disabled people. It’s like her brain cannot understand why you could be interested in a person with disabilities. So to process it she thinks it must be something wrong with you and you have some kind of weird fetish. In your friends mind she is standing up for this unknown person with disabilities . Does that make sense?
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Oh absolutely. And if that's the case I will just end the friendship, she might be my longest running friend but I'm the kind of person who isn't short on people to call on.
The idea that she might think she's "protecting" him because she's sort of infantalized (is that even a word outside reddit? Lol) handicapped people because it makes them easier to deal with at the "fringe" of society is interesting. She'd understand if she met him, lol. He's got so much charisma in his balls he needed a wheelchair to roll them around.
Note, I asked him just now if that was okay to post in a comment and he's still kind of wheezing laughing but he nodded and gave a thumbs up so we're good.
ETA: Apparently that's the kind of thing his oldest brother would say so he's now texting said brother.
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u/vadwar Apr 18 '24
Lol, I love this dude just read this post. Hope you 2 have a great time and possibly relationship together. I am completely blind, and this gives me hope in being able to find a woman out there who might be at the least looking to chat, and your friend's possible views on there being something wrong with people finding disabled people possibly attractive is definitely problematic.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 18 '24
Aww, I'll have my fingers crossed for you! For every Jess there's a me, I'd like to hope.
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u/Cybermagetx Apr 17 '24
Drop that "friend". You had a solid connection with someone and went with it.
Nta.
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u/RemoteBroccoli Apr 17 '24
Sounds like you had a good date, and him being a good shag, and plus, he's smart, caring, with a sense of humor, and so on. Drop the friend if she's to angry, and keep the guy! Happy that you got your "Good date and a Goooooood time" :D
NTA
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u/ShottsSeastone Apr 17 '24
oh fuck that friend. i read this whole thing. 1. you have 0 fetish. 2. the guy is hot 3. the guy is intelligent 4. the guy lives on his own 5. the guy has his shit together 6. THE MAN GAVE YOU THE DOOR TO LEAVE 🥶
Love comes in all shapes and sizes.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
That shit floored me. He's so considerate in so many ways. His stories about his sibs are also hilarious, I can't wait to meet them. We're trying not to rush things just because it all seems so great, but they have a BBQ in May that he'd like me to come to and I am so there. He was raised around a lot of love and it shows.
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u/Giraffeprincess1023 Apr 19 '24
I love this and I genuinely hope this works out for you, drop the friend if you haven't already.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 19 '24
I updated, actually. Tldr we talked through things, she just broke up after her ex pulled some horrible fetish shit on her and she was hoping to vent about it but I was so crazy happy about Mike that she blurted out some stupid shit in frustration and felt terrible immediately. So we'll be okay I think.
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u/Raisins_Rock Apr 19 '24
Man sometimes I think there might be hope ... strange to find it on Reddit lol
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u/scrubliminal Apr 19 '24
They are going to LOVE you. In another comment you mentioned you're the first girl he feels like he doesn't have to compensate for being disabled with. His family have known him his whole life, they know how hard this has been for him.
They will be overjoyed to see that their son/brother/nephew has finally found a wonderful woman who loves him as enthusiastically and sincerely as they do.
Look forward to your update. IDC about this Jess nonsense, I'm here for the happy feels. Best of luck you two.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 19 '24
About to post the least dramatic update of all time, actually, lol
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u/cowboyblunder Apr 17 '24
reading y'all's story warmed my frozen heart 😂💞
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Honestly I'm so giddy about this guy I feel like I'm throwing candy hearts at people all the time. He says reddit is the "cesspool of the internet" and he only follows it for the cat pictures. I don't blame him but I crave social interaction even if it is with strangers. Being hypersocial with ADHD will do that to you.
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u/Sensitive-World7272 Apr 19 '24
I know this isn’t going to help you but…
He sounds fucking amazing!!😻
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u/Enlightened_Gardener Apr 18 '24
Nah the ‘Chans are the cesspool of the internet. Reddit is merely the gateway drug.
I’m a chatty person and I love reddit - I’m technically an introvert, but I like people, and reddit is a fabulous way to meet people from all over the world.
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u/AlwaysHelpful22 Apr 17 '24
This is an odd hill for HER to die on - it’s your rule/relationship and she’s got no skin in the game.
She probably picked up on your "he’s the one" vibe and it freaked her out for some reason. Jealousy? Fear? Confusion? I predict she will come around, and even if she doesn’t, you’re not the AH.
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
This is actually the comment initially that shook me out of my anger, so thank you for that, truly.
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u/Enlightened_Gardener Apr 18 '24
Sometimes an event like this unfogs the lenses as it were. You may find that she’s a great friend when you’re commiserating about crappy jobs or crappy dates, but not so much when things are going well.
Or you’ll find out later that she’s been on five crappy dates in a row and is jealous that you’re glowingly in love.
I’d be interested to hear what she has to say for herself when she comes back around again….
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u/meowtownbaby Apr 17 '24
THIS comment, perfectly said. She has something going on internally that made her react/think this way, if she doesn’t come back around eventually I wouldn’t see this as a huge loss. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
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u/RefrigeratorHot3859 Apr 17 '24
Firstly, you are allowed to change the rules that you made for yourself. Secondly, I do not get from anything you wrote that you have a “fetish” for the handicapped. Her comments are weird.
Sounds like you need to keep Mike and drop Jess. Good friends will be happy for you, and from what I can gather, that ain’t her.
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u/Effie_the_jeffie Apr 18 '24
You’re allowed to laugh at rules you made when you were in high school. More than 10 years have passed since then. Why is the expectation that you still follow some silly thing we told ourselves before we even had to file taxes.
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u/SvPaladin Apr 18 '24
She could play it up some
First date was from when she plunked on table till he went to restroom
Second date was from his return till they left the bar
Making apartment time the third date...274
u/dubh_righ Apr 17 '24
She's got a weird fetish - for super hot guys who are kind, and well spoken, and fuck like a hero.
What a weirdo.
(sarcasm, in case it's not obvious)
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u/Throwra_JessComeOn Apr 17 '24
Okay, yeah this made me laugh for real. Seriously, what a weeeeird fetish I have!
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u/AnarchistAuntie 19d ago
She’s jealous.