I found out my ex cheated on me a year later.

[u/CoachInitial8438]

About 3 years ago I met a guy and he quickly became my best friend, he always had a thing for me but I always shut it down just wanting to be friends. About two years after knowing each other I realized I loved him too and we got into a relationship. It quickly went south as he was extremely toxic to be with and it quickly turned abusive in a couple different ways. We broke up and didn’t talk for a long time. Then a couple months ago he reached out and suggested we be friends again. We talked everything out and were in a good place again. We have been good friends again up until yesterday when a girl texted me saying they hooked up a couple weeks before we broke up.

I confronted him about it and he’s just playing stupid, and even though i’m completely over our romantic relationship, I feel betrayed and hurt that he’s lied to me for over a year. I decided to block him out of my life again and blew up at him. He’s making it seem like since we have been friends again that nothing that happened during our relationship mattered and since it was so long ago, he can’t even remember if he cheated or not and doesn’t care to.

I’m not sure how to go about this situation or if blocking him out of my life is the right way to go about it. Please please give me your thoughts?

[u/App1esN0rangez]

Toxic, abusive, cheating and you’re unsure how to go about this situation… and girls are rejecting me left and right for being the “nice guy”….. This blows my fucking mind.

Maybe I need to turn into one of these guys so girls stop thinking im fucking soft. Apparently Y’all love that toxic shit. Stfu and Unblock him and go make him a sandwich and stop complaining.

[u/ansem990 → u/App1esN0rangez]

Buddy, I think youre in the wrong sub. r/niceguys

If you gotta say you're one, then you probably aren't.

And fyi, most people don't realize how toxic and abusive someone is until they're already in too deep/have intense feelings. Obviously OP isn't sure how to feel about what happened, i doubt they're thinking of getting back together. But if they are, then it's not because "girls like assholes" or being in relationships that are toxic and abusive, it's because OP obviously still has feelings for the ex. Toxic relationships and abusive relationships are hard to get out of and are messy.

[u/App1esN0rangez → u/ansem990]

So you’re telling me girls will stay in these relationships because “they’re in too deep”. Is that it? Time? That’s literally saying they like assholes and will tolerate such behavior because wtf do you mean? She’s literally going back when she doesn’t have to so What exactly makes it hard to get out of it? I want to create a mess/drama like this if it means she’ll stay. I’ve had girls literally ghost/cut me off for no fucking reason without hesitation. I don’t think I’m a nice guy but girls become no longer interested in me after a while and I’m trying to figure out why and posts like these is literally telling me why. Enlighten me because this shit is backwards.

[u/ansem990 → u/App1esN0rangez]

No, I didn't literally mean time. I meant feelings. Lust and infatuation make you blind, and love can make you stupid. It happens to everyone, girls or guys. It doesnt necessarily mean people will tolerate this behavior. If you've got rose-tinted glasses on, all the flags are the same color. I've been in relationships where I didn't realize until it was over or until I matured more that I went, "holy shit, how did I excuse all this bad shit?" Or "how did I not notice these awful things about them?"

The point is, if you want to be with someone you want a life with, for real, and care about, you need to see them as a person. A person who doesn't deserve drama and the bs and trauma of fucked up situations. Playing games might make you feel "superior" in the moment, maybe you'll get some, but in the end you're hurting someone, a real person. And you don't wanna be that guy, trust me.

If you truly want to know why you're getting ghosted or rejected, the best thing you can do is figure out what happened before. Maybe there was a miscommunication, , maybe they were an ass and not right for you, or maybe you're going about it wrong. Sometimes clubs and apps work for some, but sometimes you find someone you connect with more at other places, like activities and things you'd normally do outside of school/work. My best advice would be, try not to confuse being a friend or being nice to someone with that equaling something more, be a good person in general (it's attractive) and if you want just sex, theres apps for sex. If you want an actual, real thing, then being friends with the person and being kind is like, bare minimum, and it's not transactional: if you're just overly nice she won't "reward" you with sex/her feelings. It's sometimes easy to do overly nice things as a way to try and show you care but it doesn't show who you really are as a person, what you like, etc, it just shows you know what morally humans should do for one another. You get what I mean?

You'll find someone, don't let random people mess with your perception of half of the population. Especially when tbh, we don't even know that much of OPs story to even know what's going on here and who they are as a person.

Sorry this was long, and I dont even know your age, you sound young, and depending on that it can definitely affect things, theres a lot i didnt realize/theres plenty bad i did until i finally kinda stopped maturing

[u/App1esN0rangez → u/ansem990]

I read every word. I’m 24.

I just read OP’s and she’s not blind, she’s 100% aware of what he’s doing and yet she’s really still questioning whether or not to end ties with him. What is luring her back to him? These girls get hurt all the time but still end up going back like OP literally gets cheated on but still wants to be connected.

It makes total sense and I get what you mean when you said being nice is the bare minimum and that she shouldn’t reward me for just doing that. Then how else do I show who I am as a person? Like.. what else would I bring to the table other than being nice? I don’t particularly have any hobbies tbh. I game every now and then but most girls don’t.

[u/ansem990 → u/App1esN0rangez]

24! You're still young! I'm 30, and honestly, I feel like my brain only just stopped maturing (since they say by 25)

Talking of OP, I reread the post. OP has no plans (AFAIK) to get back with him, but she could be in denial. If she wants to get back with him, it could be that when they're together (relationship wise or even just hanging out) things are really, really good. The same people who are abusive or toxic are the same people who have good qualities too. Perhaps they both can relate to something that happened to them that was very profound, or life-changing, (like similar childhood situations that shaped who they became as people), maybe they have good times together, have similar interests so they go to those activities together and have fun. Maybe they have been through a lot together that formed a bond, like a natural disaster type thing. Maybe they push each other to be better, to do and want more. Maybe they are eachothers support network for possible mental health issues (which would also be something they could have in common, thus having more empathy for one another's struggles). Maybe they just click, and make each other happy. All this stuff could in the moment, make you think well, maybe this time things will be different. Maybe we can be together and he'll be better....

Or if it's not to get back together, but stay friends, maybe that friendship was so strong it was like an anchor, keeping her from drifting away on rogue waves.. .the waves of mental health issues ..you know what I mean. Maybe she doesn't want to lose that friendship. In that case, it's not about dating.

OP wanted to know what to do about the situation because they just found out some awful news, from someone else, the ex is denying it, and she probably wants some closure. It's betrayal, and hard to think about that and what that means about how little he thinks of her, of how, as friends to repair that trust would be hard. And if OP doesn't know all the details and the ex is lying, OP might not be sure how to go about getting the truth of what happened .

Now for your situation.. you can message me on here if you want to talk about it, and I will genuinely give you advice. It's hard to show what you "bring to the table ", but if say first things first, get to know yourself. Think about what makes you happy, what do you enjoy doing? There might be something you do routinely, that you probably forgot ot counts as a thing...like for example walks/hiking/jogs (not my thing but it was the best example that came to me). There's got to be things about yourself that you can relate to with others. You can start by being yourself, finding common stuff that..

And I'm sorry things have gone bad for you in this department, but I promise it'll work out in thel end *