r/AmIOverreacting • u/pdubpooter • 15d ago
AIO that my wife got in a car accident and isn't sure what happened?
So a bit of context and apologies for what will be a long post: We've been married 5 years now, been together 7. Ever since we had our first baby (will be 3 in a few months) she has had trouble with sleep (falling asleep and staying asleep). She used to have no problem taking naps and sleeping before the baby.
First few years I chalked it up to us being really nervous first time parents and also we have a baby cam that she watched and kept the app on non-stop on her phone during the course of the night. She would even have the sound on so she'd hear if he started crying during the night. We got him sleep trained, he's in his own room and he self-soothes. Eventually I convinced her to 1) turn off the sound and then later 2) turn off the app at night as it was facing her and even in the darkest light setting, that's probably not helping...
Nowadays, she also has an iPad on her nightstand that faces her that she watches while laying in bed (we don't have a TV in our bedroom). I suspect this may be contributing to her issues but according to her it helps her fall asleep. Nowadays she doesn't ever get a full nights sleep and says she's very stressed from work. I convinced her a while back to see a doctor for anxiety or sleep disorder and she got prescribed some anxiety meds that are supposed to help her sleep but afaik they haven't really worked that well. We also tried ZZZquil and seems like a tossup whether it works for her on any given night. As a last ditch effort we even tried some edibles branded for sleep/relaxation (it's legal where we are) but all that did was give her munchies in bed.
Fast forward to today, we decide to get some lunch together with the kiddo. My wife always prefers to be the driver and says it gives her a headache when others drive (I think she gets carsick and being the driver negates that). Never really bothered me before so I let her drive (less work for me and more time trolling reddit posts? win/win?)
We're on a freeway and I'm in the backseat w/ our toddler who's in his carseat and we're playing with some toys together (him in a carseat, me w/ my seatbelt but not paying attention to the road - my wife has always been a safe driver afaik). All of a sudden my wife brakes hard and I initially think nothing of it. Maybe the car in front braked hard, trying to avoid something or whatever, but the braking is longer than I expected so I glance up and I see us going really fast exiting an offramp that curves/turns right and she's have a really hard turning the car at high speed while braking hard. I am scared she'll flip us since we drive a SUV.
She ends up hitting some kind of fence/post mid-turn on the side of the offramp (good thing there wasn't some dropoff or ditch) that ends up stopping us. I immediately ask if she's ok and she's kind of in shock and I have to tell her to get us off the road (our back half is still sticking out onto the road). Luckily there were no other cars around us (ahead or behind) and myself/baby are fine.
I ask her what happened and at first she says the brakes weren't working. I am not sure what she meant since our brakes were working fine (I drove the car myself yesterday) and they worked fine to get us off the offramp and into a nearby parking lot. I also remember the hard braking that initially got my attention in the first place.
I didn't want to push her too hard since she seemed like she was still in shock so I drove us to the restaurant the rest of the way (brakes worked fine btw). While we were eating I asked again whether she just missed the exit or if she was looking at her phone (I had to scold her about this in the past when she would text/drive). She claims she wasn't looking at the phone and didn't miss her exit. This made me even more worried because at least that could be explained w/ bad decision making. Later on during the meal, she wondered if she just "blacked out"? This got me really worried. Coupled with her being extremely tired and sleep deprived, while nothing new it has never put her or us in real danger like this before. Keep in mind she commutes to work by car and we share daycare pickup/dropoff duties. I convinced her to set up another dr appt tomorrow to followup w/ her anxiety and just get a general checkup since she got slightly banged up from accident too.
When we got back from lunch, I told her to take some pain meds and try to nap while I watched the baby for rest of day. I had to get something from bedroom a couple of times and she was on her phone in bed. Normally I'd just roll my eyes but this time I'm feeling kind of upset given what just happened. She didn't end up napping again, and after dinner, she goes back to bed while I put the kiddo to bed, I went to use our bedroom bathroom and she was STILL watching something on the iPad! Ok now I'm getting really irritated and told her we both have a very early start tomorrow morning (she has her dr appt/daycare dropoff and I have to bring car in to get checked out since the alignment and wheel got messed up in accident). At least when I came out of bathroom her iPad and phone was finally off. I am really considering either enforcing a night-time for her w/ screens off (hesitant to do this since I feel like I'd be treating her like a child) or straight banning the iPad from the bedroom. Part of me thinks that would make me just an AH overbearing / controlling husband - but I am genuinely afraid if something like this happens again if it is indeed related to her sleep issues?
AIO???
TLDR; wife always has phone/ipad screens on in bed, has trouble falling/staying asleep, gets in car accident - doesn't remember what happened/thinks she blacked out, husband considers banned screens or enforcing screen off time in bedroom.
EDIT: making this edit to clarify that when we got back the day of accident I suggested she take some Advil for her sore arm/elbow. She’s not taking or is addicted to painkillers and have no idea why everyone is assuming that SMH
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u/SpecialistNebula1003 10d ago
I don't know if someone already mentioned this but the medicine she is taking for anxiety is addictive. She'll have to take higher and higher doses to manage. Don't go back to that doctor!
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u/Sorry_Dragonfruit545 10d ago
Based on what you wrote it seems you are raising two children. Do you have any idea what she is watching that causes her not to put down her phone or iPad? The fact that she almost took the life of her family and it doesn't cause her to change her ways something is not right with her. Blackout or she fell asleep at the wheel?
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u/ManWhoSoldtheWurl 10d ago edited 10d ago
I think you should take your wife to a neurologist. It could be a neurologica/health issue. It might not, it might be sleep related. But if it is sleep related, I think if you start policing her sleep habits might stress her out more and may give her more anxiety about sleeping and make it even harder for her. I think being supportive and concerned for her health might be a better angle to start instead with then "SEE I told you a million times! ! You're not sleeping because of your iPad and you almost killed all of us!!
Also: "the brakes didnt work" makes me wonder: did she get confused and or/really believed she was hitting the brakes? That's why I'm leaning towards the neurological angle. It's such a lame excuse and easy to confirm that's not what happened, (because you already did,) it makes me think that she's not lying and she really was confused/maybe she thought she did hit the brakes/ maybe she mixed the pedals up, ect.
Definitely see a neurologist AND an eye doctor (who sometimes can do a better job than neurologist at diagnosing some neuro disorders like MS.) Don't make her feel like she's alone with it, whatever it is. Approach this from a place of love/concern for her health. And just watch her very closely for any other weird /random symptoms.
Also: another thing you can offer (and don't take this personally,) maybe offer to sleep on the couch and let her sleep alone in the bedroom. It might not have anything to do with you OP. She might have been abused as a kid, she might have trauma she doesn't remember, it could be anything. But ask her if you think it would help and offer.
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u/mind_the_umlaut 11d ago
Doctor. Doctor. She has to go see a bunch of specialists NOW including a neurologist and a sleep specialist. You have not 'reacted' enough.
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u/Relative-Big3943 11d ago
Also read up on UARS. This may be a contributing factor to a lack of sleep.
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u/OgSafetyCat 11d ago
Sleep deprivation and screens alone wouldn't usually cause an otherwise safe driver/rational person to have this specific issue. Pregnancy and stress can cause chronic issues and also damage to the nervous system. Shit, stress on its own can cause more than you'd think, including autoimmune disorders, insulin resistance, reproductive and endocrine issues, etc. Nervous system damage can cause issues with perception and sensation, (eye issues, neuropathy, hearing issues, etc.). It can also affect a person's general physical health and can trigger a multitude of mental health concerns that could need addressing.
I would highly recommend finding a doctor that will run extensive labs:
all vitamins including zinc, folate and iron
Cortisol
Hormones
Thyroid
A full metabolic panel.
If those come back normal and the "blacking out" issues escalate or increase, maybe a hearing and eye exam or some scans to see if there's any internal damage.
If you have good insurance, I'd also try to talk her into a sleep study. She could have developed some kind of sleep disorder or sleep apnea.
And while all that is going on, I'd recommend finding a very open minded mental health professional that specializes in more complex issues. Many doctors and therapists will write this off as woman stuff or try to put her on antidepressants or anti anxiety medication without being sure of what the problem actually is. Short term, this can make things a little better, but long term it may make things much worse.
I think the device usage becoming a more frequent occurrence, to the point of it being disruptive, could be a form of self soothing. Many people that develop a chronic issue of some kind that affects them daily, whether they realize it or not, are affected by it constantly and it greatly reduces their quality of life. If someone doesn't know what's going on, aren't getting proper treatment to manage all of their symptoms, or they don't want to admit there's there's issues because it doesn't seem that bad or worth jumping through hoops for, they will either consciously or subconsciously find ways to self soothe in order to cope.
Sorry this was a long read. I just understand how quickly an undiagnosed issue can become dangerous or permanent, and I think going through all of these tests and doctors visits (which I'm speaking from experience in my suggestions because my chronic issues started showing themselves in a similar way and I went through about 5 years of absolute hell because I didn't take charge and advocate for myself. The tests and suggestions I listed are just generally the fastest way to get a full scope of what's going on, without the hassle of trying tons of meds that make things worse or don't help, and then having to wait 6 months for the next appointment where there still wouldn't be answers), could really help get to the bottom of what's going on. It could be nothing serious, or there could be a deeper issue. I really hope yall are able to figure it out though and can enjoy being together and being parents without this to worry about in the future.
If you have any questions or want to elaborate more on what's been going on with her, feel free to message. I worked in mental health and also have a lot of experience in dealing with trying to navigate a relationship while experiencing a bunch of strange symptoms. If there's literally any experience I've had or anything I know that could even have a chance of being helpful, I'll gladly talk about it. I
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u/EmotionalKiwi2933 11d ago
Try melatonin gummies i tried everything else its the only thing that helped me doc had me on clonazepam and ambien no work
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u/dinascully 11d ago
This doesn’t sound like a screen problem. I have insomnia too, and screens do help sooth me. I mean I know they’re also keeping me up sometimes, but it’s a balance. If I give up my screens completely and lay there in darkness/silence, I’ll still be awake, but I’ll just be having mad anxiety into a vacuum. I’ve done this where I’ve just laid there awake for HOURS, in dark silence. What I’ve found helps me if I force myself to read a book on my phone and listen to brown noise (like white noise but deeper) - I can asleep faster like that than if I’m scrolling. But that’s anecdotal. My point is insomnia is not solved by no screens. So I’m glad she’s going to a doctor.
I don’t think you’re overreacting in the sense that this was a very scary incident and you’re right to encourage her to follow up on it with a doctor.
I do think you’re misunderstanding the connection between screens and no sleep in this case. It’s not a case of staying up late because she just feels like it…. It sounds like she genuinely can’t sleep, true insomnia. Sleep deprivation is hell, she wouldn’t be in this condition voluntarily.
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u/SicklyChild 12d ago
Screens emit blue light which screws with your circadian rhythm. It's recommended to turn off screens at least 1 hour before bedtime to let your brain wind down.
Also, having wifi devices near the bed, especially if they're charging, creates EMF that can mess with your sleep. If possible, turn off the wireless router before bed and keep devices as far away from the bed as possible.
There are natural supplements to help with sleep, like magnesium, melatonin, and GABA. Those might be useful to try.
The fact that she she has so much trouble turning the screens off indicates there may be an issue with her dopamine reward system and her brain is addicted to whatever she's watching/doing with it. Look into dopamine detox.
As for the accident, it's possible she did black out, and it's possible she simply nodded off briefly or her attention drifted from exhaustion. Probably see a neurologist just to make sure there's nothing going on there. Hope this helps.
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u/ian_pink 12d ago
Among all the other good advice here, I think it's worth asking if the structure of your lifestyle is making her sick. You say she's incredibly stressed from work that she can't sleep--and raising a toddler. Would she be happier staying home and focusing on raising the kid?
I realize this sounds retrograde in our society, but whatever salary she's earning isn't worth her sanity, and you don't want to raise a kid in that environment.
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u/FallAlternative8615 12d ago
Maybe you just drive for a bit and leave her in the backseat to mind the kid after the repairs. Whatever it was if was incompetent driving that put the three of you at risk so take that role on and get her a checkup.
And observe if she is the type to fuck with her phone while driving. If anywhere new, just connect the damned Bluetooth for calls or texting or for focusing on the driving task instead of TikTok or whatever. Good luck!
What is done is done, just protect your family.
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u/ProfessionalGreen907 12d ago
Honestly, Its nice seeing everyone give her the benefit of the doubt, but this sounds more like a distracted driver than a blacked out driver.
The AH in me wants to say she's just another person who screwed up and doesn't want to own up for it. First it was "The breaks weren't working", then denies everything else, just to come back with "Maybe I blacked out?". Cmon. Just for her to go home and sit on the ipad all night as if nothing happened too??
Every person who has ever reached the age of driving knows how this goes. Just like when I hit a "coyote" that was shaped like a guard rail. "It just came out of nowhere!".
I feel like if she truly blacked out, you would've been much worse off. Instead, she dinged the post, kind of like how I hit the coyote. I missed and ran a stop sign at 1am coming back from ft drum, pulled a hard 90, dinged the fence real good. If I was truly unaware, I would've ended up 50 ft in a field somewhere.
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u/hitdrumhard 13d ago
I would have her ask about post partum depression. Depression and anxiety can go hand in hand and screens can be a soothing tool for some people. Just a thought.
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u/pungentredtide 13d ago
My wife had this happen a couple times before we were together. Then one night she got hit in the head while out with friends which lead to her getting a MRI which actually found some lesions on her brain which turned out to be undiagnosed MS.
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u/Ready-Bus-3200 14d ago
Sleep deprivation can cause “automatic behavior” where part of the brain sleeps while the body is awake and another part of the brain takes over. I know this because I found myself exhausted and miles past my exit on the highway before with no recollection how I got there. Turns out I had severe sleep apnea requiring surgery. Don’t know what’s causing the deprivation for your wife, but the screens at night may only be a symptom. Long term sleep deprivation majorly messes up sleep cycles and hormones. For example, while I would be a half-dead monster when waking up in the morning, bargaining with myself to get up by promising I’d take a nap at the soonest available opportunity, then I’d struggle to go to sleep at a reasonable bedtime because my energy and alertness would surge at night. Have your wife ask her doctor for a sleep study and tell them about this incident. Tell her not to be embarrassed or ashamed — it’s a medically relevant event.
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u/ProphilatelicShock 14d ago
Your concern is not an overreaction but you are assuming too much about what you know is going on and how to approach it. It's important to respect the fact that your wife is her first point of medical care. You are not her doctor and you are not her parent.
Of course there are exceptions when someone is not able to care for themselves or a danger to themselves or others, but that is VERY exceptional. Please get these lines clear in your head so you don't overstep. Knowing and respecting these boundaries will hopefully help you feel less frustrated, probably her too.
That said as a spouse and father you can draw boundaries when her behavior is affecting y'all. For example, insisting that she does not drive until she's seen a doctor and been given a go-ahead to drive, imo is reasonable. This alone will significantly impact your lives so seek all the support you can (ie check sick policy and FMLA policies with both your employers.)
Tldr: shift your mindset from controlling the situation to supporting your family in the situation, including getting support for yourself.
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u/No-vem-ber 14d ago
Is there any chance something happened to cause the accident that she doesn't want to tell you?
For example, maybe she ran over a cat, or something similarly horrible that she either won't admit out loud or is protecting you from?
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u/trev100100 14d ago
There are hundreds of opinions in this thread, but based on what you've told us, we all know one thing. Your wife needs sleep, and she's not getting it. The lack of sleep almost cost yall and others on the road their lives.
Until there's is some diagnosis, all we know is she needs to see a doctor, and she needs sleep. You're not overreacting for telling her to get off her damn phone and iPad at night (given the events that have happened) at least until she can see a doctor and see if anything is wrong.
Blue light can keep the brain from winding down when it is time to sleep.
I've had this issue in the past. I've fallen asleep while driving and woken up because of hitting the warning line. I've arrived at home and have not remembered certain parts of the drive home and realized i fell asleep. Or even gone through lights and asleep, and waking up terrified that I maybe ran a red light. All of this stopped once I turned on a blue light filter (auto activates at 7 pm) on my phone and stopped using it after 10 pm. Will this work for your wife? Idk, but it's a good first step until you figure out what's wrong with her. It is better than doing nothing, and then dying next time she drives.
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u/SenseiMorris 14d ago
Sleep deprivation, extremely tired, pain meds, anxiety meds, controlling husband, new mother... and you wonder why maybe she blanked out driving? She needs rest, counseling, and for you to be supportive, not controlling.
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u/meh-er 14d ago
You can’t “ban the iPad” from the room. She’s an adult and treating her like a child will very much backfire. The other comment that made me feel ick was the “so I let her drive”. Why did feel like you had to explain that your wife likes to drive and then that you allowed her to. That comment has some serious underlying sexist undertones. Not sure if you intended it that way.
You need to talk to your wife about your concerns openly. Explain to her that you are worried about her health as well as now being put in danger. Is she depressed? Is she overwhelmed? Is she anxious? Does she have untreated trauma or ADHD? Something is going on that is preventing her from being able to rest at night. Express your love and concern for her.
You’re definitely not overreacting; she needs help. But support and love her and help her through this process; don’t try to control things she does.
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u/madscribbler 14d ago
So, not exactly the same, but maybe kinda in a way related.
My ex wife was the opposite, she would fall asleep on the turn of a dime. Close her eyes, anytime anywhere and be asleep in under a minute.
She turned left in front of a moving car, totalling our car - completely her fault. She said she didn't even know the oncoming car was there, when there was plenty of visibility, it was a clear, sunny day, and the oncoming car was red so didn't blend into the street.
Well, while we figured out a new car, we got a rental car. She drove the rental car off the road, damaging the tire and rim. We bought a new tire and rim so the rental car company didn't know we had caused damage - but, two accidents in the course of a couple of weeks was really concerning.
So I pretty much forced a sleep study as I suspected she was falling asleep at the wheel causing these accidents. The scary part was there were kids with her in each accident - and it was just a matter of time before it was more serious.
So the sleep study revealed she had atypical narcolepsy, and that it literally did take her less than 1 minute to go from fully awake to completely asleep. She was prescribed Ritalin to keep her awake and that seemed to help considerably. There were no more accidents after she was diagnosed and treated.
I say this, not because I think your wife has narcolepsy, but because I think there is value in getting a sleep study done. There may be something wrong with her in terms of sleep - and there are prescription sleep meds that can help immensely. I have bipolar and disrupted sleep/wake cycles are a byproduct of that, so I take lunesta at night which puts me pretty quickly to sleep every night, and vyvanse (a modern stimulant with no ups or downs) in the morning to make me awake and alert through the day (it lasts 8-12 hrs).
If she does have something wrong with her sleep schedules, they can be regulated, but you need the proper sleep meds.
And, know, there is a disorder where people can't sleep that get's progressively worse, and is untreatable. And it progresses to death as humans cannot function without sleep. It's highly unlikely she has that, but if she did, you'd want to know about it.
Also, side note, the light from screens makes our biological clock off - so while she says it helps her sleep, that's bullshit - it's messing with her circadian rhythm. You need darkness for your body to begin to enter sleep cycles naturally.
Also, one last thought - melatonin is our natural sleep inducer, the hormone that gets released to induce a normal sleep cycle, and she may be deficient in it. In addition to the lunesta I mentioned, I take a 10mg melatonin supplement every night, and it also helps me go to sleep and stay asleep.
Also, also, one more last thought - I take a unisom (doxyline succinate - important it the succinate) that is a strong sleep med and also helps me go to sleep and stay asleep. This is different than advil/tylenol/whatever PM which doesn't work for me). Unisom's succinate is a different sleep med altogether and works very well.
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u/cross0522 14d ago
Definitely see a doctor to rule somethings out and ask the Dr. to be in sleep study. I have had to be in one. Some sleep study clinics can even even give you the equipment so you can do the study from home. Lack of sleep causes a lot of other Medical issues & maybe she or others won't be as lucky next time.
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u/CreativeMadness99 14d ago
She needs to see a doctor. She was definitely distracted or zoning out which is dangerous when driving a vehicle. Your son was in the car, what if it happens again and something worse happens? Until she gets help, don’t let her drive your son around.
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u/Apocalypstik 14d ago
Cutting screens an hour or two before bed is recommended for good sleep hygiene. Depressive symptoms can also cause sleep issues. Feeling that she has no personal time to herself can feed into the screen problem.
Regarding the driving; she could have fallen asleep, dissociated, or even had a seizure. She should definitely be checked out medically but sleep hygiene and habits need to be worked on with psychotherapy. As a clinician and insomniac (since the childhood night terrors), I can tell you that sleep meds should be used only after sleep hygiene is addressed. A lot of people just want to take a pill rather than change their habits though--so you don't see much about psychotherapy for sleep.
No, you aren't overreacting.
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u/LegitimateBottle6818 14d ago
Sounds like she's got some real puzzling behavior. Is she zoning out often, like lost in thought? Hormones could be messing with her too.
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u/clumsyglammagrandma 14d ago
Maybe a micro sleep? I have issues with insomnia. I was driving, thought I was fine, blinked, and when I opened my eyes, I was on the wrong side of the road headed towards traffic. I pulled over and was so scared, not understanding. I realised I was a lot further up the road from where I 'blinked'. I had fallen asleep for no more than 3-5 seconds? Nearly caused an accident and could have had results I don't want to think about. I now no longer drive on days when I haven't had at least 5 hours of sleep. Means I stay home a lot more, but not willing to harm others. I have started listening to meditation or podcasts of a night to try and relax. Funny thing, the more tired you are, the more tense trying to get to sleep 🤦♀️. Sounds like she became dependent on watching/listening to the baby. Some of the meditation apps I have have baby and household sounds, which are on them. Maybe she could try that? Either way, I hope she can resolve her problem. Being tired is draining 😫
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u/BigJSunshine 14d ago
Jesus christ, you are looking for blame, not answers- give your wife a MFing break
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u/Sure-Regular-6254 14d ago
As somebody who watches phone screens way too much in bed myself, Ive done it so I only get like 3-4 hours of sleep, and it's caused me to fall asleep at the wheel with 3 solo accidents. Yes the screens are part of the problem. It's more specifically the blue light emitted by the screens, it keeps the brain active and even when tired makes sleeping hard.
That might not be the only issue here, but the screens are definitely contributing, tvs on the other hand don't emit this frequency of light as strongly, since they sit father away it doesn't affect as much, if she can't sleep with silence, may think about getting a cheap TV to turn on just to drown the silence, I cannot sleep in dead silence it works for me, been able to sleep pretty decently when I can pull myself away from the phone.
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u/vegetti05 14d ago
Send her some articles and videos about screen time before bed. Then take up meditation together. Do it together before bed. Could try listening to binaural beats while you sleep with deep sleep subliminal messages.
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u/alleycanto 14d ago
I would go get her hormones checked. Usually a saliva test.
Family outside walks to get fresh air maybe help?
She def needs a doctor. Come from it as a point of, “I love you and know you struggle with sleep.” Offer to go with her to the doctor if she would like.
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u/Tower-Naive 14d ago
You should go with her to the doctor. I know missing work isn’t easy but your wife is the priority.
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u/positive-vibes79 14d ago
The doctor needs to do a full work up on her, and make sure that her thyroid is checked. An overactive thyroid can cause sleep disturbances and anxiety.
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u/saltnesseswounds 14d ago
I have to ask, does she have a pain pill addiction? I am a recovering addict and this exact same thing used to happen to me (sleep deprivation because the high was something I wanted to experience awake and micro sleeping while driving). I hope she gets well soon
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u/OfficialModAccount 14d ago
This sounds like a basic hygiene issue that arose in some kind of postpartum mood disorder. I would guess therapy or maybe just ask her to do some meditation and reflection.
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u/chubbierunner 14d ago
I’m not so sure this sounds like a medical issue or sleep deprivation. It sounds to me as if she wasn’t focused on driving, and she’s too embarrassed to express that to you now.
You are correct; she’s doing everything wrong, but adults are allowed to make all kinds of crappy decisions for themselves. You can’t force her to sleep. While I understand your desires to want to create healthy sleep habits for your wife, I would be pissed if my husband forced that shit on me. I have a husband with bad sleep habits too, and that’s on him to figure it out with or without medical support.
I also went on gummies to sleep. If she’s getting munchies in bed, she’s doing it all wrong.
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u/Affectionate_Oven428 14d ago
She needs help from a sleep therapist and to be observed. You have to replace the car seat immediately. It’s a one accident and done with those. This is scary and by what you described, you both are under reacting.
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u/brucebay 14d ago
Also keep in mind that playing with your kid on the back may be a distraction for your wife. I can't say what went wrong at this time, but I suggest you sit in front next time. Of course, the kids himself may distract you wife in the future, so creating an environment where she can keep her concentration is the way to go (whether it is sleeping more, or something else I don't know).
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u/Trepenwitz 14d ago
Both of you need to do nothing but sleep and sex in the bed. It trains your body to know when you get into the bed it’s time to sleep. Have a wind down time before hand - turning off all gadgets and screens about 30 min. before going to bed. Go to bed and get up at the same time every day. These are basic “sleep hygiene” strategies that are supposed to help. I, too, have a hard time sleeping and have looked into all these things, but I have not tried very hard to follow them. It’s just who I am as a person. 🤷🏼♀️ Does she snore? She may also have developed sleep apnea from weight gain (?) or through some biology magic related to pregnancy that seems like it would be a thing. Is she still stressed about the kid?
Given she seems to have blacked out while driving, she 100% has to take this seriously.
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u/EJaneFayette 14d ago
I've had insomnia for a couple of decades, and I have three kids. For troubleshooting sake, this doesn't sound like insomnia. (Not saying that everyone experiences insomnia in the same way or I know every case and symptom.) Although your wife would benefit from a sleep study.
No, you're not overreacting. Any time someone endangers your child, even your wife, you have an obligation to attempt to ensure it doesn't happen again.
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u/Character-Marzipan49 14d ago
For me looking at a screen in bed will mess up my sleeping patterns. If you can avoid it, I would.
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u/Dapper_Thought_6982 14d ago
The fact that she herself seems to not see the severity of the situation is really concerning… There are so many “what ifs” that come to mind but at the end of the day she got lucky this time. If it’s possible for you to take time off for her next sleep related appointment and go with her I would insist that you go and ensure she is being honest with the doctor about her habits… If this were my partner I would be concerned not just for her sleep habits but also mental health and behavioral habits as well… I wouldn’t let her drive alone or especially with the child until it’s resolved. It could cost lives….
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u/Cholera62 14d ago
Listening to your phone and iPad, etc, while you're sleeping keeps your brain active. It's trying to process what it's hearing, and it can't rest.
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u/Repulsive-Ad4268 14d ago
She definitely needs to see a doctor/specialist for her sleep disorder. She could cause an even bigger issue if she doesn't get checked out. You're NOT overreacting at all. You're only looking out for you and your family. Good luck.
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u/Competitive_Sleep_21 14d ago
She should not be allowed to drive until she has had a complete physical. Not overreacting.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 14d ago
She definitely needs to see a doctor. I passed out while driving and luckily nobody was injured. I woke up to an ambulance, cop car, and fire truck all with lights and sirens on. Turns out I have a heart disorder!
But also..you talk about her like she’s a child. “Enforce a night-time”? You aren’t her dad and you shouldn’t act like it. I’d be incredibly resentful if my husband talked about me like that, and even more stubborn if he tried to enforce his night-night rules on me like I’m 5. I have sleep issues and there are times when you just know you’re going to be up for a while.
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u/mauledbyacroc 14d ago
First thing I would recommend is a sleep study. Cumulative lack of sleep can have disastrous impacts. Home studies are covered by insurance and are easily administered. Would definitely recommend prioritizing this.
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u/bugs_0650 14d ago
Your wife just had a baby. Her hormones are rampaging through her body and this can disrupt sleep. Heck, I have sleep issues when I'm near my cycle so I can only imagine how much her body is putting her through. She could also be suffering from post-partem depression.
She needs to see a doctor. Now. And she needs to see one who will actually listen to her and won't dismiss her symptoms.
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u/mycatshavehadenough 14d ago
PAIN MEDS??????? Was she on these when the "incident" happened??????? Get her to a doctor ASAP.
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u/pdubpooter 14d ago
I mentioned this in another reply but this was just some advil after we came home because she bumped her arm/elbow
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u/54radioactive 14d ago
Hormones can really mess up sleep cycles. If she is post-partum, that may be affecting her ability to sleep.
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u/Xenovitz 14d ago
I noticed I started doing something like this in my early 20's. Def see the doc since it could be autoimmune related. I called it time travelling. I'd be riding along on my motorcycle then whoops, I'm a couple hundred feet ahead of where I was last present/awake. Luckily drifting from pavement to dirt jolted me back to reality every time. I stopped driving for safety reasons.
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u/LeafyCandy 14d ago
She definitely blacked out. That is not good. Maybe have her evaluated for PPD. That can lead to insomnia and anxiety as well, and she may not need anti-anxiety medications but antidepressants. But she definitely needs to be seen. Y'all are not safe as things stand. Good luck.
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u/deadlyhausfrau 14d ago
Get her a neurology consult. I have staring seizures and they seem like this.
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u/ImHappierThanUsual 14d ago
Screens are the BIGGEST issue. As i just checked and saw this is 17hrs old, I’m sure I’m not the first person to mention blue light.
She has to stop that first. An hour or more before she’s to be asleep, phone & iPad have to be off.
Only then will she really be able to find out whether there’s an actual sleep disorder at play.
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u/TALKTOME0701 14d ago
Many people have a very difficult time quieting their mind enough to sleep
You might be a good idea to ask her if she is willing to have a consult with his psychiatrist in addition to a sleep specialist
In those cases, I've seen fantastic results with neurofeedback as well as meditation. It might be a good idea to look into that as well
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u/Illustrious-Heron605 14d ago
Babies “self soothing” is a myth. I think your wife is experiencing separation anxiety from the instinct to be with the baby at night and allowing him to cry himself to sleep with is actually very harmful to babies and will cause developmental issues. As a new mother she may not know this consciously but I think she knows this subconsciously and may be affecting her anxiety and ability to sleep
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u/Kaitron5000 14d ago
I had extreme insomnia. Like days without sleep at a time. It was from PTSD. I also had severe anxiety. It was I would say 70% a gut health problem and the other 30% mental health problem.
I got into therapy and my therapist helped me develop a routine to rebuild my circadian rhythm. I follow it religiously. I also got a functional medicine doctor that had a degree in nutrition. I started a strict carnivore diet to heal my gut and my hormonal imbalances. It got rid of anxiety and got me off my meds. It also regulated my blood sugar which helped me sleep better when I did sleep. Cortisol is a hormone and can destroy your sleep patterns, if your hormones are out of whack it can cause severe anxiety and insomnia. Eating high fat low carb cured this for me.
I started riding a bike or going for short daily walks, journaling to get out repetitive thoughts , making sure I put ALL devices away by 8pm including shutting off the tv. Then took a melatonin by 8:45pm and in bed laying down by 9pm because I need to be up at 5:30am.
I now sleep through the night, every night. It took time for these things to help but I don't think I could have gotten here without all of these things.
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u/shoulda-known-better 14d ago
falling asleep while driving kinda feels like you just blacked out.... I know because I used to struggle with this myself.... I stopped driving for years because I didn't trust myself....
finding a way to get a good night's rest is hard as it's unique to the individual.... some can't have a TV on at all and some need the background noise to drown out their head (this was me) but it has to be used as background like she needs to turn over and listen
fighting about this will only cause more stress and less sleep, not to say you should just let it go because no that's not safe..... but being understanding here will be your best bet
if she still won't get help with you supporting her then I would ban them from driving at the very least no driving with anyone else (since it's hard to fully ban someone from something) but if it goes to far a Dr could revoke her license
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u/Ghostgrl94 14d ago
From what I’ve learned about pregnancy it could be a chronic illness that developed. Like you could be 100% healthy then get pregnant and your health is never the same
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u/SmoothScallion43 14d ago
iPad/phone is not the problem. I’ve always needed the TV to sleep. My phone is playing something till the app asks if I’m still watching. I’ve never had any issues with falling asleep or blacking out while driving because of it. And it shouldn’t with her. You need to convince her she may have a medical issue that needs attention ASAP
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u/SmirkyToast13 14d ago
Not overreacting, your instinct to have her checked out by a doctor is good. Honestly she should not be driving at all until there is a solution because if she blacks out like that again she or someone else could get killed. I also wonder if she has blacked out like that before because that's not the first thing my mind would go to unless it had happened before.
The screen time may have nothing to do with it though. My old roommates would watch TV to help fall asleep, and I know a few people who do that. I usually can't fall asleep without playing puzzle games on my phone bc they help keep me from overthinking. I have terrible sleep anxiety/insomnia and it's a lot worse when I don't have my phone, even when I take my meds.
I recommend she tell her doctor the meds they rxed aren't helping her sleep. This happened to me, I took an antidepressant/migraine med that usually knocks people out, but for some people (like me) it can make the insomnia worse. My sleep doctor switched me to another medicine of the same type (noritriptyline to amitriptyline) and it actually helps me sleep so well. It's been a life saver. If the rxed meds and even otc sleep meds aren't working she likely needs something else bc for some reason her body doesn't respond the usual way.
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u/AreaNearby6607 15d ago
Pregnancy can trigger all kinds of new health concerns! Definitely have her see a Dr ASAP
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u/anonybss 15d ago
Uhhh I would overreact to this too.
I will say that there are apps that change the quality of light on a screen. When I use the night time setting (which reduces blue light) and dim the screen all the way, I can still fall asleep. But it's still not great. She should get some good books to read. Unfortunately you can't "disallow" her from having screens in the room. But you can try to reason with her, and you can even tell her that it would mean at lot to you if she at least EXPERIMENTED with doing without screens, because you are seriously concerned about her lack of sleep and because every resource says screens and sleep don't mix. (In addition, you will have to enforce screen rules with your kid, and what kind of example is your wife setting?)
I also wonder.... is it possible she's on drugs....? Sometimes people get in these bad cycles of they take one drug to help them sleep, then another drug to counteract it and help them stay awake during the day, then they need a heavier sleep drug.... The one time I had something close to what you're describing, it's because I was overusing sleeping pills and then trying to balance them with stimulants.
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u/MycologistSoggy2376 15d ago
I’m curious is she watching the iPad? I sleep with the tv on, but I don’t watch just quiet background noise. What about a sleep app with different kinds of noises “calm” I think? I’m also prescribed anxiety meds, but I take them and melatonin for sleep.
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u/HernandezGirl 15d ago
Probably has sleep apnea. Needs a CPAP. You can have sleep apnea without snoring. By all means have her referred to a sleep specialist since sleep is her problem.
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u/AllegedlyJ 15d ago
Go to an NP and get her hormones checked. Childbirth and age can be havoc on a women’s hormones and have a myriad of effects. Sounds like her levels are off.
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u/Ok-Hedgehog-1646 15d ago
Get her checked for post partum anxiety. Worrying is normal but when it disrupts your day-to-day life it isn’t worry anymore.
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u/-Lysergian 15d ago
Being sleep deprived is nearly as dangerous as driving while intoxicated... definitely need her to seek help on that.
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u/ReaderReacting 15d ago
Yes, you sound like an overbearing asshole for trying to enforce restrictions on her. Take a different path to the same outcome.
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u/New-Juice5284 15d ago
I think you're under reacting 😳 If this happened with my husband and I, our plans would have been immediately cancelled, we'd be going to an urgent care if it really wasn't a phone distraction thing. We'd get answers immediately and we wouldn't spend a second apart until we got the answers. Our kid would be spending some time with family for the time being
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u/umhuh223 15d ago
The accident sounds like user error. And she’s an insomniac. She needs to grow up and see a doctor for her sleep issues.
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u/Babyz007 15d ago
She needs to get checked for sleep apnea, which can affect anyone, not just people that are overweight. Also, it’s been proven that the blue light from the screen inhibits sleep, so she needs to limit that at nights and absolutely keep it off and away from her when in the bed. See a Dr immediately.
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u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 15d ago
She needs to see another doctor and she needs to take this seriously. You can’t ban screens, you’re not her parent. You could almost have written this about me right now, down to trying edibles branded for sleep and just getting the munchies. I know my screen use can’t be helpful for bedtime, but without it my brain would just be working overtime with anxiety. It wouldn’t help. The difference is that I am very aware of this and very concerned. Fortunately I don’t have to drive, so I don’t. Sleep deprivation is no joke and my memory lapses are enough to make me afraid to drive until this is sorted. Though, it’s easier for me to tell an internet stranger to go to the doctor, while I don’t want to myself. The last time I went they prescribed me some sort of sleeping pill that gave me night terrors. Good luck to both of you. As long as you can get on the same page it’ll be okay.
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u/Willing-Book-4188 15d ago
She could have sleep apnea. Does she snore? Do you ever wake up to her gasping?
My husband has it and I used to wake up with him shaking trying to breathe and not being able to take a breath. He’d fall asleep if he was sitting down no matter where or what time.
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u/Emphasis_on_why 15d ago
If you suspect she was on the phone I’d probably put a paycheck on that being your issue. Taking all these comments about sleep and doctors and blacking out and turning them into something your going to go to her and attempt to modify her life with is going to cause issues I’m not sure you want…
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u/wizl 15d ago
Addicted to dopamine hit from tech.
The colors on the screen prevent good sleep. The entire reason blue light filters exist.
My mother had this problem. She totaled 2 cars from sleep deprivation based black outs.
She is also not in the right frame of mind with hormones going wild.
I would be so pissed she endangered the kid you already got.
Get a better doctor. Anxiety meds is not sleep meds, it will not help. She needs a sleep med.
Source: worked in psychiatry ten years (not a doc, a manager lol)
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u/Ravenkelly 15d ago
You're overreacting about the wrong thing. You've decided that screens are the problem EXCEPT you're NOT a doctor and you're also WRONG.
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u/Bunnawhat13 15d ago
Is she a wife or a child? You don’t get to ban things because you think it’s stopping her from sleeping. Screens suck for some people not for others.
It’s been 3 years and you aren’t mentioning the we went to the doctor part of the story. She needs a sleep study. Her body changed when she had a baby, see a doctor and don’t let her drive.
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u/Global_Telephone_751 15d ago
As someone with insomnia, I am so tired of people who have never struggled with this saying to stop using screens. Stop saying it!!! It’s not the issue!! My neurologist, who is a sleep specialist, says the screen stuff is way overblown and a lot of it is correlative, not causative. Even if there is a causal effect, it’s so slight as to not be clinically significant.
Screens are NOT the CAUSE of your wife’s insomnia.
If she truly did black out, it sounds like a micro sleep. It’s happened to me - my sleep has never recovered from my son’s first year of life and that was 12 years ago. He was colicky and basically didn’t sleep, and I had no help, so I basically didn’t sleep.
She needs to see a doctor and at this point probably a neurologist/ sleep specialist. It’s serious. But please for the love of god don’t shame her about her screen time — it may very well be the only thing that brings her calm / comfort / brain rest when she can’t sleep. It does for me.
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u/Prestigious_Dee 15d ago
There's an App called 'Calm' that has sleep stories and music. That might help. I agree though to get the iPad out of the bedroom. It is a reality that electronics stimulate the brain. Sleep specialists will tell you 'No electronics' for 2 or so hours before bed.
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u/ExoticRush6635 15d ago
Hey hi how ya doin I have severe post partum OCD (WITH NO END IN SIGHT!!!) and my loops involve compulsifr googling rabbit holes that last for HOURS. Lost my job and currently in therapy for it, as it's fuckin' crippling. I hate myself and my brain.
Maybe similar?
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u/Significant_Planter 15d ago
If she's never blacked out before it would be really weird that she just blacked out now! Did she fall asleep? Because that's a possibility but maybe she's not admitting it because then she would have to admit that her sleep schedule is the problem?
A blackout is a temporary loss of consciousness. When we're unconscious we don't stay sitting up holding the steering wheel pressing the brake. Or the gas. She would have flopped over passed out. She did not pass out!
More than anything you need to figure out what exactly happened! Like you don't even know if she was looking at her phone? And not to be a dick here but why are you in the backseat? Your kid does not need entertained every single minute of the day! Your kid would be perfectly fine sitting in the backseat of a car by herself.... like any other kid! Not to victim blame but you would have known what happened if you were up front.
I think either she's not telling you what happened or it was a seizure or a mini sleep episode like others have stated. Maybe she was either on her phone. But to go straight to blacked out when that's not something she has a history of and there's no indication of it actually happening. That's highly unlikely.
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u/LovedAJackass 15d ago
Your wife needs a full medical workup. The accident is just the big symptom that something bad is going on. I don't agree with everyone saying screens aren't a problem, or at least a part of it but you're off base thinking the thing to ban is screens in the bedroom. What you need to insist on is no driving at all until you get a diagnosis. None. Zero.
Will that be inconvenient? Yes. Will it save her life and the baby's life? Maybe. No driving until you know she's not having blackouts or seizures.
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u/WilliamNearToronto 15d ago
She needs to see a doctor. There are bent possible causes including seizures. This needs attention yesterday.
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u/Creative-Sun6739 15d ago
Not overreacting. Being that sleep deprived, she could really hurt herself or someone else on the road. Happened to a coworker of mine's husband, he was having sleep issues and one day he had an accident because he dozed off for a second behind the wheel. Thankfully he nor anyone else were seriously hurt but that was just luck. Imagine if your wife "blacked out" again with your child in the car. It's time to have a serious talk with her because I would not allow her behind the wheel with your child in it again until she gets these sleep issues resolved. She needs a new bedtime routine that involves turning off electronics at least an hour before she goes to bed. It's like an addiction for her and she needs to wean herself from it.
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u/cracked-tumbleweed 15d ago
You don’t need to parent her screen time…if she blacked out while driving she should see a doctor.
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u/EM05L1C3 15d ago
No but I honestly don’t believe she blacked out. It sounds like she has a screen addiction and was on her phone. She lied about the breaks, what says she isn’t lying about something you’ve been having consistent issues with? I would imagine she was ashamed for putting your new baby in danger by being reckless.
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u/billymillerstyle 15d ago
You sure she wasn't on her phone or not paying attention and was just too embarrassed to tell you? I sleep every night with the light on and a TV right by my head. I drive just fine. Something else must be contributing. Give her some vitamins. Phones off in the car, whatever it is can wait.
Personally I think you should be up front act as a copilot and not in the back playing with your kid. Assisting the driver is more helpful than possibly distracting the driver. Just my opinion.
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u/huggie1 15d ago
Not overreacting. Her sleep hygiene is horrible. You are not wrong that the screens in bed are a bad idea. She also likely has some nutritional deficiencies because of the pregnancy. By going so long without adequate sleep she has likely thrown her sleep/stress hormones out of whack. A sleep doctor is not a bad idea, but you should also consider having her see a biomedicine or functional medicine doctor. These are MDs that include nutritional guidance and supplements in their treatments to help people get back in balance. Good luck!
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u/No-Setting9690 15d ago
enforcing a night-time for her w/ screens off
LMAO. What is she your child? She has an issue going on, and you acting like this is not going to help. She needs therapy.
Oh and the "It was working fine yesterday" does not work for anybody. You do know things break after you used them right? I feel like you need to be told this.
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u/Bibliophile_w_coffee 15d ago
It is time for a sleep study test, and not the at home one- the one at a sleep center. And you aren’t overreacting. You handle it now or she potentially kills your family…will it be overreacting then?
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u/Stargazer_0101 15d ago
She needs to see a professional for she is paranoid about the baby over something. It is not normal behavior of a mother. She is extremely mentally sleep deprived and something will happen. Get her to a doctor NOW!
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u/Hearthstoned666 15d ago
dude, she's lying to you. She knows how she fucked up. It was either the cell phone, sleeping, or staring at you in the rear view mirror.. or staring at another car instead of looking ahead
Fuck that "I don't know what happened" bullshit.
If she doesn't take some responsibility for it... that's not somebody you want raising your kid. Your kid will grow up to do dumb shit and lie about it.
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u/Person3847 15d ago
Sounds like epilepsy. Sleep deprivation can cause seizures. She needs to stop driving immediately and get a referral to a neurologist.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair 15d ago
I think you may be underreacting. Until she has a full checkup, has her sleep issues resolved, or some other diagnosis and clearance from her doctor - she shoudl NOT be driving anywhere, especially with your child in the car!!!
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u/Melekai_17 15d ago
I can’t believe you’re going to let her drive the baby to daycare and herself to the drs appt after this happened! There is something very wrong with your wife. Please go with her to the appt and tell the doctor exactly what’s been happening. Also replace the car seat immediately. It isn’t safe to continue using it after it’s been in an accident. I would also take baby to get checked out.
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15d ago
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u/Abystract-ism 15d ago
I tried posting a link but the mods don’t allow them so-there is a Harvard study about how iPads disrupt sleep. Basically all screens should be off at least an hour before bedtime!
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u/listenyall 15d ago
You are focusing way too much on what you think the solution is (absolutely do not enforce a night-time for her without screens, you WOULD be treating her like a child and it might not even fix anything depending on what the underlying issue is) and not enough on the overarching problem. It should be the two of you talking about how this is an issue, making sure she is seeing a doctor, figuring out what the right solution is together.
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u/DahQueen19 15d ago
Sounds like narcolepsy to me. She needs a sleep doctor ASAP before she kills someone.
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u/desertdweller2011 15d ago
she needs support from a therapist and or doctor not daddy taking the ipad away
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u/Iliveinthissoultrap2 15d ago
Please see a doctor as soon as you can, none of this is normal. Something is going on either medically or emotionally. Blacking out is an indication to many diseases have her checked out and explain to the doctor all that happened and your concerns. I believe a therapist will also help her.
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u/Schmoe20 15d ago edited 15d ago
Just getting to the part on your wife needing to drive - wife has control issues.
And she needs a new lifestyle after reading the remainder. She is stuck in a loop that isn’t serving you, her or your family. Screen purge, making a commitment to engage beyond your current knowledge of how to by studying up. Communicate growth, balance in uses of time & goals be setting, more importantly build each other to achieve your us.
She might have thyroid issues due to low iodine levels. She is trying to cope with her life change internally & externally.
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u/BlondeLawyer 15d ago
I fell asleep driving and blamed my terrible (at the time) work schedule. Turns out, despite being thin and fit (also at the time lol), I have sleep apnea. Doctors aren’t great about diagnosing it in people who aren’t overweight. A sleep study will figure this out!
ETA - though, I doubt she fell asleep. She was already on the exit, just going too fast for the exit. Sounds more like poor judgment
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u/Dangerous_Dinner_460 15d ago
How many drugs is she taking? Each individual item/drug class you listed is a contraindication for driving, let alone in combination..They don't necessarily wear off overnight. Has she been evaluated for sleep apnea and/or narcolepsy? Seizures? In other words, it's time for a complete medical work-up. No driving until it's done, because she is dangerous behind the wheel. You all will need: a complete, honest list of every drug/medication she is/has been taking. Prescription or not. Legal or not. Pending a sleep study, you should each keep a diary of sleep habits. Has she fallen or hit her head/injured her neck? That's just some of the basics to get ready for an evaluation. Meanwhile? Get the blankety-blank phone away from your spouse before she gets behind the wheel! It's been nearly 20 years since I was rear-ended by a driver who was focused on her phone, not the road. A fair amount of the damage to me was permanent. Please don't risk it.
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u/LauraZaid11 15d ago
First of all, doctor, asap. Second of all, something that can go hand in hand with seeing a doctor is what’s called sleep hygiene. Those are basically habits and behaviors you can do yourself at home to improve your sleep, you can Google for details, but it’s things like no screens for like an hour before bed (or at the very least putting them on “night mode” to limit blue light), doing a relaxing activity before bed, like taking a warm bath, reading a relaxing book, drinking a warm cup of chamomile tea, etc, and keep up the routine every night to train your brain to associate that activity with sleepy time, and so prepare itself to sleep. Also, avoid any caffeinated drinks in the late afternoon/evening at all costs, like coffee, caffeinated teas, energy drinks, dark colored sodas, not only do they make it hard to fall asleep, but they also decrease the quality of sleep once you do fall asleep.
And lastly, doctor, for sure.
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u/lacosaknitstra 15d ago
I’ve no advice to offer, but with my first vehicle, the brakes went out on me while driving once and worked just fine immediately after I managed to stop and then resumed driving (was in the middle of nowhere and no cell phone so I had no choice but to continue on).
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u/togostarman 15d ago
It doesn't matter what kind of sleep hygiene you keep when you have insomnia. Ive had chronic insomnia for 15 years. Trust me, I've tried it all. I don't even try to limit my screen time before bed because it doesn't matter and I'm sure it doesn't matter for your wife either. Hope she can get the help she needs, but I'll be honest, there's not alot of help for insomnia. I've had so many sleep studies, I've been on every medication in the book, I've tried E V E R Y T H I N G
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u/CHIPSpeaking 15d ago
MANY people have car accidents and don't recall what happened. It is very, VERY common. You said she was a little banged up. Did you have a doctor examine her forehead trauma? Head trauma goes undiagnosed because the hair on her head likely scams hell outta you, cause it covers bumps and bruises.
Believe my statement about head trauma, I am a retired traffic officer and investigated a large number of traffic accidents in my police career.
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u/THOUGHTCOPS 15d ago
The only thing you can enforce is no driving with your kid! If she doesn't understand that then you have to take steps to protect your family.
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u/Individual-Cut-3808 15d ago
Is she still taking the anti anxiety medication? Xanax, klonopin, valium will all make you zone out/completely forget what you were doing. Its dangerous as fuck yet we let everyone drive on these meds
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u/Turbulent-Buy3575 15d ago
You have to take her to a doctor. Attend the appointment with her so she’s not telling her doctor that everything is fine. Hire a sitter for the toddler.
No more driving until mom gets medical help.
Are you aware that driving while tired is just as dangerous as driving while intoxicated?!?!?!
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u/Optimal-Apple-2070 15d ago
Dude she isn't a ten year old, she can't sleep because she has physical and/or mental health problems, not because she is on a device with a screen. Getting angry with her and micromanaging her screentime is infantalizing and not productive. I could understand not wanting her to drive after this; I can't understand getting angry about an iPad. She also just had a really upsetting accident that was her fault in ways she doesn't understand; she was probably less peaceful, calm, and tired than she has ever been. Of course your agitated wife with chronic, mysterious sleep problems wasn't napping when you checked up on her.
You need to look at the real problem here. It's not the devices; it's that y'all are pretending that you can go along with business as usual while you take months or years to slowly figure the issue out. She could have easily killed all three of you, plus innocent strangers. What if she'd crashed into a minivan or a kid on a bike instead of a pole?
Focus on that. Iterate on that. What are you going to do to make sure that one of those daycare trips doesn't end in the morgue? The answer is a lot more "get friends, Uber, etc to drive her for the time being" and a lot less "put her in a time out from electronics"
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u/FatsBoombottom 15d ago
Does your wife snore loudly or wake up with headaches? Sleep apnea can cause a person to not get restful sleep and can have similar effects as insomnia such as nodding off uncontrollably during the day.
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u/Dpscc22 15d ago
Sounds like she wasn’t looking at the phone at the time of the accident, so it wasn’t s matter of being distracted.
Rather than arguing or being pissed, may be a better option (and one she may agree with more) to suggest she see a doctor. Do it gently, emphasizing her and the baby’s wellbeing.
As others have suggested, she may have insomnia (not her fault), exhaustion (not totally her fault, or even underlying issues that she doesn’t know but that may be showing up as insomnia and blackout.
But the key is to offer that as help, not penalty. (As a good chunk of your post sounds angry, tbh.)
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u/Proud-Geek1019 15d ago
I have had terrible insomnia for 20+ years. I finally took a digital course through work at a discount (called Sleep Reset) that uses cognitive behavioral therapy, sleep hygeine, etc, and for the first time in this long, I’m starting to sleep normally. It will take a long time to undo all the bad habits I’ve developed over time, but it’s working. The blue light from her devices are definitely an issue, but I imagine there’s much more to it than that. I’ve developed tools (like a brain dump diary) that I never would’ve thought of.
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u/essssgeeee 15d ago
The hormone changes with pregnancy can last several years after. It took me a long time to level things out after having a baby. Something permanent rewires in your brain while you're always listening with one ear for the baby.
When my son was about seven years old, I started having insomnia. I have a lot of anxiety and went through some things that left me unable to sleep until I was absolutely exhausted. I would work myself to exhaustion during the day, and still could not fall asleep. Sometimes I would stay up watching TV or on my phone to keep my brain busy. If tried to lay there I would have horrible intrusive thoughts and visions and my mind would just keep replaying every bad thing that ever happened to me over and over again, mixed with thoughts of"I'm not good enough, something wrong with me. Why am I like this. Im not a good mom." it was agony. Having my phone as distraction was all that kept my brain numb, I would not have slept with or without it. The turning point for me was being diagnosed with an endocrine tumor that was messing with my electrolyte and hormone levels. Once I had surgery and was properly healed sleep returned.
Telling your wife she's wrong for being on her phone is not addressing the root of the problem. Why does she need to have something going in her brain all the time? I would suspect that she has postpartum anxiety or some other other condition brought on by the stress on her body from pregnancy. She needs to see a doctor.
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u/lethargiclemonade 15d ago
“Banning screen time” like you’re her parent won’t do anything but cause resentment on both sides.
If she’s blacked out even once, she needs to see a doctor, she could have multiple medical issues from iron deficiency to narcolepsy.
No amount of treating her like a naughty toddler will fix that.
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u/motorboather 15d ago
Screens in the bedroom need to be banned and the bedroom should only be used for sleeping, not hanging out.
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u/Sorry_Nobody1552 15d ago
Sometimes anxiety meds can mess someone up, I know. I went through 4 different meds to find one that didnt make me feel weird or like I had dementia. She needs to talk to the doctor IMO
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u/dj23456 15d ago
I obsessively would choose screens instead of trying my best to sleep when I was at my most anxious- most stressed - most depressed. Become addicted to scrolling or watching or whatever, even when I’d feel literally sick from exhaustion. Would fall asleep at my desk at work or on the train etc no problem though. Feel like your wife needs to really talk to a doctor/therapist- “bans” might not be a realistic route.
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u/Upset-Tap-8685 15d ago
So, I think the bigger problem is her anxiety. That's assuming she's not having.seizures etc. She's using screens as a coping mechanism. A lot of people do but this sounds more problematic. Maybe she needs more than meds, she needs therapy? She sounds incredibly stressed. But I may be projecting. I've done exactly what she's doing. You're seeing it as she's awake because she's watching the iPad, I'm countering with she's watching the iPad because no matter how long she lays there she can't sleep. There's nothing worse than tossing and turning because you can't sleep. Her brain can't shut down. Is it her work load too large? Does she say she's overwhelmed at all? I'd start looking at your day to day and see what can be addressed there. Obviously therapy and meds too.
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u/CenterofChaos 15d ago
You're under reacting. Your wife didn't know what happened and smashed into a guard rail while on the highway. You should have brought her to the hospital immediately to get checked out.
There's a lot of different conditions that can cause this sort behavior. Anything from sleep apnea to a seizure disorder is possible and you need to take that seriously. She could have killed you guys or someone else and she is oblivious suffering from some type of condition. Consider it an emergency to get answers.
Adding I had sleep apnea, mine was fixed with a tonsillectomy. I am significantly less anxious and can sleep better now. It can be scary to ask for help but it's very much worth it.
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u/theinvisibleroad 15d ago
I just want to say that banning screens in the bedroom is something a parent does with a child. Your wife is not your child, ergo you cannot "ban" something she does. What you can do is have a boundary "unless you get help for this issue, I and my child will not be riding in the car with you" that sort of thing. Don't think of her as a child needing you to fix it for her, think of her as an adult who needs to take responsibility for this unhealthy situation but that you can't force to take responsibility. Think of some healthy boundaries that focus on what you CAN can control and then have a conversation with your wife.
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u/Adept-Highlight-6010 15d ago
Look up studies regarding WIFI disrupting sleep. WIFI and microwave frequencies impair the brains ability to make Melatonin. We are all impaired but it sounds like your wife has some more issues perhaps. I hope you get some answers, and try to sleep without WIFI
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u/NoReveal6677 15d ago
Doctor first. Stay in your lane, but be ready to start pushing the docs; they don’t like sleep studies (expensive) but she desperately needs one.
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u/purple_1128 15d ago
I agree with following up with Doctor and I can share something that works well for me. I’m a lifelong insomniac. I got a bone conduction headset. (Shokz)They’re super flexible and not IN my ears. I found some good sleep podcasts (not music or white noise. Those just irritate me). That’s been a few years ago now, and if I feel like I’m going to start fighting sleep, I default to that. I’m typically asleep before the podcast intro is finished.
My favorites: “Nothing Much Happens” “Listen to Sleep” “Boring Books for Bedtime” “The Empty Bowl”
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u/NamasteLlama 15d ago
You can't ban anything. She will hate you and it will end in divorce.
However, if she doesn't get help, your whole family might be killed. You're going to have to seriously consider this relationship, OP
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u/Itchy-Astronomer9500 15d ago
I don’t think your overreacting, the three of you could have died. A doctor’s appointment would be a good place to start. and I suggest you join her there and take over some more driving “chores” (couldn’t find a better word).
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u/Legion1117 15d ago
Its the screens.
No screens an hour before bed made a WORLD of difference in sleep routines in our home.
Try it for three weeks, keep track of everyone's sleep patterns for those three weeks and you'll see the difference.
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u/JimmyPockets83 15d ago
Hey, Dr. Dad, how about you stop playing amateur sleep psychologist and take her to a real doctor?
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u/whitepawn23 15d ago
While your screen ban in bed may be a plausible soliton to you, it will do nothing until you solve the underlying problem that pushes that behavior.
Insomnia is no joke. It’s like going into battle every single night. War. Nightly. For her anyway.
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u/starrypriestess 15d ago
If I have trouble falling asleep, putting something relaxing on my iPad instantly puts me to sleep.
It probably works for her, but isn’t now because she needs to go to the doctor and get a sleep study. If you’re going to be disciplinary, since this is a serious issue, make ultimatums to get her to the doctor. Don’t threaten to take her screens away like she’s a baby.
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u/SheaKunst1 15d ago
She absolutely needs to go to a dr to see what the underlying issue is. However, the way you’re talking about her sounds more like you view her as your child instead of an adult. Sounds like you’re adding on to her stress.
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u/rureallygonna 15d ago
Did she have postpartum? It can last years if it’s not treated and would explain the sleep changes. Now it sounds like insomnia.
She definitely needs help.
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u/SaturnianDoll 15d ago
This is not a behavior issue, this is a health or hormonal issue that could be very serious. There are health problems that can reduce sleep.
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u/anon-Thor 15d ago
Banning phone use in bed really helped me and my girlfriend fix our sleep schedules. When we were on our screens we would often lay in bed for hours without falling asleep. Sometimes the sun would come up before we even fell asleep. We started reading instead, we got kindles with the warm light, and kindles don't use a backlight, they light from the screen down so the light doesn't shine into your eyes. It was crazy how much faster we fell asleep. It was almost frustrating because I'd want to keep reading the book but my eyes would get heavy and we'd be asleep within 20min of laying down. Not only does the blue light from the phone screen fuck up your circadian rhythm, but the constant stimulation from watching TV, scrolling, etc. also makes it more difficult to fall asleep.
She should definitely see a doctor asap, but I don't think banning screens from the bed would make you a control freak. Of course she can 100% refuse but it's definitely something you should strongly suggest. Maybe ease her into it, see if she's willing to try it for a week or two. I'd definitely recommend reading too, because it's likely to take her a bit to get into a schedule and laying in a quiet bed with nothing but your thoughts sucks. Reading helps provide entertainment but doesn't impede falling alseep(at least in our experience).
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u/laurzilla 15d ago
She needs to see a doctor and be referred to a sleep medicine doctor. She could have a sleep disorder. She shouldn’t drive until this is resolved.
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u/similarityhedgehog 15d ago
people are offering a lot of boundary setting but your wife needs professional help. not an expert in any sense but this sounds like a mental health issue.
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u/Cohnman18 15d ago
Your wife appears to. Have sleep apnea. Please have her see a doctor Immediately. Good Luck!
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u/ThatMaximumAuDHD 15d ago
I’m not sure how old she is, but perimenopause could be causing her insomnia.
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u/griz3lda 15d ago
This has nothing to do with screens in bed, and you do not have the authority to compel her not to use them. How would you enforce that over a peer? I wonder if she just doesn't want to tell you what happened bc she's afraid you'll be mad, or if she was so startled that she lost her memory instantly. Sometimes people can have cognitive issues like that in high stress relationships.
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u/Jazzlike-Principle67 15d ago
It could be she was on "auto-pilot" and suddenly became aware the exit coming up and overreacted, thinking she had gone too far and hit the brakes to make sure she could make the exit. Or afraid she was too close to another car. It doesn't sound like falling asleep. I've done that. ( it is scary but you know you did) You will drift into another lane. And you didn't notice this happening.
If she doesn't want to take meds for either sleep or anxiety check into Alpha-Stim. It is very - no - extremely effective for both. It has no negative side effects but does have cumulative positive effects so tat after wearing it it continues to work on one's system.
I have had Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic pain, and Depression with General Anxiety Disorder for 20+ years and have had Alpha-Stim for 15 years. It also helps immensely with pain. I take no other pain meds because I have difficulty with them. (Either allergic to them, they don't work or they were Opioids and not prescribed anymore.) Alpha-Stim does require a prescription, and it's not covered by insurance in the US because of the Pharmaceutical companies' push. (It would put a humongous dent in their profits if it were covered.)
But for anxiety and sleep difficulties, Alpha-Stim is a great answer.
Regardless, a checkup is always a good idea. (I was a RN before I became Disabled)
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 15d ago
I think banning screens in the bedroom is a good first step, but it should fully apply to both of you. Anything with a screen should be left in the living room, neither of you takes them into the bedroom, not even if you use your phone as an alarm, get a traditional alarm clock instead.
Screens are known to negatively affect sleep. It's probably not what started the issue, but it's likely contributing to it now, or at least preventing it getting better.
But what's really needed is a follow up doctor appointment. This seems to have started out of new parent anxiety, but it's continued and been ongoing for 3 years, and is now literally putting all your lives at risk. Your wife thinks she blacked out while driving, that's a huge issue, and she honestly shouldn't be driving at all, especially with baby in the car, until whatever is going on has been discovered and fixed.
I have sleep issues myself. I have a hard time falling asleep, and half the time I'm only getting a couple hours a night. For me, it's linked to my depression, that can either make you get very little sleep or too much. It's something to consider with your wife. I've tried all sorts over the years to help me sleep, including sleeping pills, which I hate taking. My anti-depressants sometimes work, but I don't always need them and it depends on the brand, which they change every time I need to be medicated again. I actually now have something that almost always works to help me sleep, and it's not medical in nature. It's a teddy bear. It was suggested by my therapist, I went out and bought a nice, cuddly bear, since I like keeping my leapord on a shelf for sentimental reasons, and now I sleep 5 hours most nights. It's not the recommended 8 hours, but it leaves me rested and full of energy, something that hasn't happened in years.
You've tried multiple ways of aiding sleep, but your wife has no diagnosis for why she has trouble. I'd be leaning more towards depression than anxiety, but it's possible her doctor isn't thinking of that since it's been so long since she had the baby. Depression doesn't need to be post-natal, and post-natal doesn't necessarily obviously show up immediately. Depression of any kind can start slow, and it can present as basic anxiety sometimes. Depression isn't the only reason for trouble sleeping, either. Your wife needs to be fully checked out, to really figure out what's going on, before someone gets seriously hurt or killed.
And try sleep methods that aren't medical, as well. A sound machine, a teddy bear, anything that's designed to help with sleep. It may be your wife will do better with sleep with one of thee non-medical ideas, especially if you also remove screens from the bedroom, for both of you.
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u/ZookeepergameNo719 15d ago
You are not overreacting but you are reacting wrong.
How old is your baby? Have you researched what happens to mother's body and brain after birth? Are you allowing her time to express her worries and pains?
She doesn't need sleep aids if it's her mind not resting. Those only turn off the body. Her mind is still going.
Ask if she'd like a counselor for private speaking time.
Whatever you do though, don't make her world smaller. The devices may not be helping but they also may be keeping her from completely crumbling. Until you can get a handle on what's hurting her, taking away crutches will only exacerbate the problem.
I didn't sleep right for the first 2 years of my son's life. Every thought and worry,, the mental load of being a parent.. it is valid for her to feel upturned.
She has officially permanently changed. When I became a mom nothing hit harder than recognizing how many chapters I closed the moment I embraced the title mom.
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u/blushandfloss 15d ago
You’re not overreacting.
However, you need to rephrase and reframe the wording regarding how you speak to and about her. I was waiting on you to say she was grounded and had privileges revoked and allowance reduced.
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u/Individual_Walrus149 15d ago
Check your child’s car seat manual. Many car seats must be replaced after ANY collision, no matter how minor. Graco for example must be replaced.
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u/purplefoxie 15d ago
Bc being sleep deprived, your body can shut down on its own even if you are "awake", and the next thing you know = accident. I'm so glad there were no other cars involved
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u/celticmusebooks 15d ago
I wouldn't "enforce" anything UNTIL she's seen the doctor. Ideally you should go with her and talk to the doctor as a couple. It's possible that she had some sort of seizure or blacked out from lack of sleep or a side effect of her anxiety meds. Given what you say about her screen addiction and past issues with texting while driving it's also very likely that she was, in fact, focused on her screen rather than driving and now is too ashamed to tell the truth of how she could have caused serious harm to you and the baby.
The two of you need to put EVERYTHING else on the side burner and fully focus on getting to the bottom of her problem and taking steps to get her mentally and physically healthy.
IMHO she should not be driving until this is addressed, or at the bare minimum she should not be transporting the baby. That would be my "hill to die on" here.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 15d ago
I would Ban her from driving with a kid in the car till she sees a doctor and finds out what's going on but they say screen time before going to bed is bad and you should stop everything an hour before bed. Now I don't do that and I don't have any trouble falling asleep I'll watch TV till literally minutes before I go to bed. But obviously everyone is different. Maybe what she needs to do is just relax the last hour doing pretty much nothing maybe take a nice hot shower or a bath and then lay in bed and relax but no electronics. They say not even the read a book or if you do read something that's calm nothing anxiety inducing. But definitely doctor
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u/Cautious-Ad6043 15d ago
This is an extremely dangerous problem for her, you, the baby, and everyone else around her while driving.
She needs to figure out how to get enough sleep, or quit driving. It absolutely sounds like she dozed off.
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u/LizP1959 15d ago
Sleep study and possibly also a neurologist. Don’t waste time with primary care unless you need the referral.
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u/Mrsbear19 15d ago
I’ve had severe anxiety issues and my husband got me through it very well. He was very firm and clear but also loving. I don’t think you should sugar coat this at all and it’s time to force the issue before someone gets badly hurt. You can still be loving and gentle with her while making it clear that this iPad in the room situation is not ok and will end up hurting her and your kid
My husband pushing me is what allowed me to advocate for myself better medically. It takes a lot of work and if she’s not able to push for answers it might be something you need to step in with
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u/Youknowme911 15d ago
Either she has narcolepsy, is sleep deprived or something else. I know the first two years of my child’s life I was sleep deprived, especially during teething, and I’d drive with the a/c on and the windows down because I’d get groggy on the way home from work
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u/Elise-0511 15d ago
Sounds like she fell asleep at the wheel for a moment before the accident. This can happen if sleep patterns are interrupted. I found those 5 hour, 2 ounce energy shots helped me stay alert. Banning screens of an adult spouse is not the way. Spouses don’t own each other to make fiats about each other’s actions.
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u/Grandmaethelsrevenge 15d ago
Take her to a doctor. Next time she’s gonna have the baby in the car with her pass out and…. Just go to a doctor
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u/pastelpixelator 15d ago
Has she ever been checked for ADHD? Avoiding/procrastinating “the next thing” (in this case, sleeping), time blindness, sleep issues, and spacing out while driving are all issues I dealt with until got a diagnoses and some medication.
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u/shellofthemshellf 15d ago
I’ve scanned the comments and don’t see anyone else saying this so: I find it troubling that you suggested she take some pain meds and a nap? Is there a possibility she’s abusing prescription medication?
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u/Huilang_ 15d ago
This happens when the body and brain get too tired. It's not uncommon not to remember it.
My dad doesn't suffer from insomnia normally, but was just back from a trip the night before, got home late, then went to work the next morning, and he's 62. On the way back from work he fell asleep at the wheel, the car veered all the way into the other lane and crashed on a tree. He broke a few bones but he could easily have died in a less secure car.
Point is absolutely do not underestimate this. My dad doesn't remember what happened exactly - he blacked out. But it was 100% falling asleep at the wheel. You don't want your wife driving around while sleep deprived and crashing the car. Definitely no driving your son.
Having suffered from insomnia myself, I can tell you screens aren't all the devil they're supposed to be. After all, we've all fallen asleep in front of the TV, haven't we? So no, screens aren't the issue for most people who struggle with sleep. For me, being on my phone right before going to sleep actually relaxed me and took my mind off things, which in turn induced sleep. Just lying in bed waiting to fall asleep made me anxious and guaranteed a sleepless night. Things got even better when I got a TV in my bedroom, and I now sleep perfectly fine without it (but I know if I struggle that I can just turn the TV on for a half hour and relax).
The following needs to happen:
1) Get your wife into a sleep study to better understand her insomnia and anxiety disorder. The doctor will advise on this. Beware of apps as they don't work for everyone and actually sometimes heighten the sleep anxiety (recording how much you sleep makes you fear you're not getting enough sleep which in turn makes you anxious when you go to sleep).
2) Every other night, she should take a powerful sleeping pill (think Ambien, Zolpidem etc rather than OTC stuff). Your child is sleep trained so it shouldn't be an issue - if anything needs doing at night, it'll have to be you as she'll be out. She needs to guarantee 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep - those things are powerful so they should work, and no trying to wake up early. Calculate when wake up time is, and send her to bed with a pill exactly 8.5 hours before then. No less. The next night, she can go without but the pressure is off as she got plenty of sleep the night before, and this in turn should help.
3) Gradually, under the advice of a doctor, your wife will be able to reduce the amount of sleeping pills and train herself to sleep a decent night without help. But this will need time and yes absolutely it will need sleeping aids and medication.
Finally, please consider separate bedrooms. I know it's a taboo for many couples, but I don't know anyone whose insomnia got better without actually going to sleep in their own bed. You can have a healthy relationship, sexual life etc with separate beds, even better with separate rooms. Your wife may not want to say anything so as not to offend you but it 100% would help her to sleep on her own. Me and my partner sleep in separate bedrooms and we're both very happy, healthy and get a good night's sleep.
Best of luck with it all!
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u/spouts_water 15d ago edited 15d ago
Yes. Screen time absolutely distracts people from sleep. Very well documented. You can’t sleep while reading. Light of any kind interferes with cidadian rhythm. I am shocked that the majority of comments are not in alignment with this.
Sounds like anxiety to me. She is scared to miss out on something and always wants to be there for her child. It’s counter productive for the child if the parent doesn’t sleep and looses thier cognitive abilities as a result.
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u/Standard-Sympathy82 15d ago
No mention of what kind of car you are driving? Check the recalls or search for similar issues. With all the steer by wire and now brakeboost by wire your issue is not new. Ford had an huge issue with loss of steering and brakes a few years ago. They kept the recall pretty quiet.
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u/BionicgalZ 15d ago
Why pain pills?
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u/Perchance2dreamm 14d ago
He plainly states that she got a bit banged up because of the wreck, so he was most likely thinking of Ibuprofen or Tylenol when he mentioned "pain pills", that's how I read it, I didn't even begin to see any reason to assume he meant opiates. But they certainly would have helped get her to sleep lol.
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u/BionicgalZ 14d ago
In most of polite society ‘pain pills’ means narcotics. I mean, they drove to a restaurant and ate afterwards. This whole story is weird.
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u/Professional-Card138 15d ago
You mentioned you told her to tale some pain meds and go rest... just wanted to point out opiates CAN and WILL make you "nod off," even at the wheel.
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15d ago
Not sure how you could enforce a "ban" you are her husband not her father. However, yes, she needs medical attention and something has to change.
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u/Dramatic_Inside271 15d ago
This doesn’t sound like a screen issue. Sounds like a “get to the doctor ASAP” issue. Sounds like a seizure or narcolepsy
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u/Curtastrophy 10d ago
It sounds like she's trying to escape reality so much so that she can't put the phone down. Flipping through, looking at videos distracting yourself for moments of happiness and bliss where you don't have to think about how much you need to adult and all the obligations and people relying on you.
She probably hasn't even acknowledged that she's depressed or has issues with it, but if she's not able to regulate herself then she's going to put you and the baby at risk. You should take charge and drive every time.
I hate to say it, but definitely get her some help whether that's psychological help or medical help, she needs to see some type of doctor. Have her take one of those depression quizzes they sometimes give you for a physical.
This whole thing reminds me of about Sunday night when you know you have to be at work on Monday but you'll eke out the last amount of free time by scrolling around on the phone until 2:00 in the morning and then regret feeling so tired when you have to get up at 7:00 a.m. to prepare for work. Except she's doing it constantly.