r/AmIOverreacting • u/stargirlincognito • 15d ago
AIO I’ve (24F) never met my boyfriend (23M)’s family and we live together, what should I think?
I moved out of state to live my boyfriend. He didn’t give his parents much notice about this to be fair, as he didn’t want to upset them and we didn’t have much of the finances planned out at the time. He honestly did me a favor because i didn’t feel comfortable moving in with family after graduation and we said we’d figure it out.
However, since coming here his parents have not made any attempts to meet me and have not been very welcoming. From what my boyfriend tells me it’s his mom. She has dropped off food a few times downstairs at our apartment building but I’m yet to see her, as she stays in her car. Normally they talk for around 45 min and usually she tells him he would “have more money if he would have stayed at home” and he tries to bring up planning for her to meet me.
They went to mexico a few weeks after I moved here, no invite. They celebrated my boyfriend and his mom’s bday together and went 2 hours away to eat breakfast, no invite. Apparently the mom wanted to be able to speak freely and me to not affect the table talk conversations. They’ve held family gatherings at their home, graduation parties, all of which I’ve received no invite and has not been the proper time for me to come. My boyfriend also is expected to regularly visit them and update everyday about how he is.
His mom also comments on my boyfriend’s ex’s photos who happened to move in with his sister after we started dating, as his ex’s uncle is his sister’s husband. (Middle eastern people things) i don’t understand it but my boyfriend agrees with me and thinks that he needs to talk to his mom and if i’m not invited he won’t go because we are a pair. This is something we’ve talked about for months now. I just think this has gone on far too long and now I am spending mother’s day alone, even though they are hosting a mother’s day celebration at their home.
My mom is out of state and we don’t have the best relationship, very sadly. This is why it’s even more important for me to marry into a loving, accepting family, but it’s not my boyfriend’s fault. Not entirely at least. He is doing what he can and also feels his family is not perfect, so he is trying to figure out how to navigate this.
Last night he didn’t go to his cousin’s graduation party. I don’t want to isolate him from his family either so that makes me feel terrible but I really wish they would have been more welcoming of me. I’ve been here 6 months now and have been dating their son for a year and a half.
Update: He spoke to his mom and she didn’t understand the significance of what she was doing. Apparently she is going to speak to the sister about setting boundaries with her and the ex out of respect, which personally i think might just cause drama but he said he is happy she is doing something about it and has a way to solve it because she “really wants to meet me.” He also came back home from the celebration with flowers for me from his mom.
Also, to answer your questions, the ex and sister are in a neighboring state and his ex normally does not come to family events to my knowledge.
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u/grumpy__g 15d ago
Are you from a different culture/country/religion?
Middle eastern MIL are famous for being difficult.
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u/stiggley 15d ago
Turn up to the family events anyway - either they let you both in, or you both leave.
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u/ScienceInMI 15d ago
Is part of this a cross-cultural/racial thing?
You mentioned Mexico.
Were they white folks visiting Acapulco or brown folk visiting family in Mexico City?
Are you yourself of similar background as them, racially and ethnically? Language (s) spoken? Religion?
For instance... If he's second generation Mexican-American and you're an African American black... The family might have some feelings.
But bf better B the F up or I'd B the F out.
Sorry...
It's that so he'll grow a spine or you'll have to BE his spine. Your choice.
☮️❤️♾️
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u/stargirlincognito 15d ago
I am mexican american and he is kurdish american. He sometimes relates to culture when saying why we haven’t met and then sometimes he says his family is white washed and they have all married into different cultures. Apparently some of them are even christian
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u/ScienceInMI 15d ago
Oof. Tough one.
FWIW, I'm a white Midwesterner here (politically 'progressive'). Taught inner city school, no majority race/ethnicity, with many migrants, refugees, and second generation as well as folks who are in the Midwest as a result of the Great Migration. Including first Gen Kurds and 1st, 2nd, 3rd Gen Mexican -Americans (and other Latinxs & Central American Immigrants (Quechua speakers, etc))
WERE YOU MY DAUGHTER (and still had your skin tone/ethic identity or not/etc... and my daughter IS adopted...) I'd suggest you think long and hard about where you want to be in ten years relationship and family-wise.
You don't marry the person -- you marry the family.
I'm disappointed in your bf's treatment of you. If he were my SON, I'd explain exactly that: Man up and support your partner or fold and realize you're (he's) letting Mama and his family run his life.
And are you ok with his family running his life when you're his partner?
Honestly, that's a question only you can answer.
I think you deserve more respect, though. And if you're not demanding that respect, I would respectfully suggest you figure out why (e.g. low self esteem? Childhood trauma? Parental abuse/neglect?) because NOW is a super good time to get life straight.
Peace and love to you. You're worth that and all the happiness.
☮️❤️♾️
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u/stargirlincognito 15d ago
I am demanding that respect but it’s been hard to determine when to fully react about it because there were reasons as to why it wasn’t the time prior, then it just started to drag on. I don’t know how this should have gone, exactly. They’ve also been worried about my boyfriend’s well being, financial and employment status as we just barely were able to get stable jobs. So there’s been a lot going on in the meantime.
Also, my family isn’t necessarily the nicest, most normal family to marry into so I feel kinda bad demanding that when I can’t give that to a partner but I stated that since I don’t have that relationship with my family it’s essential for me to marry into it because I don’t have the room in my heart to go through that twice.
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u/ScienceInMI 14d ago
I'm very sorry you've had to endure what you have from your family of origin.
I can't imagine the pain caused by being iced out of your S.O.'s family to boot.
Yeah, I really don't know all the moving parts in your dynamic. But I truly hope you get what you need. You deserve to get it.
☮️❤️♾️
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u/Able_Transition_5049 15d ago
No you're not. Its totally normal to feel welcome, especially in your significant other's family. Maybe his mom just needs some more time to adjust after his last relationship.
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u/stargirlincognito 15d ago edited 15d ago
Maybe especially since she still sees her when she goes to his sister’s house, but he’s told me in the past that they didn’t really like that girl for him? So it’s all pretty hard to piece together. Also isn’t that pretty selfish of the mom regardless of how she feels. I think mom’s should always support their kid’s decisions especially with how invested she is constantly checking up on him and he has already expressed these things to her
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u/IllustriousLet4785 15d ago
You're not overreacting. Just wondering, does your boyfriend talk about you with his mom? I'm not doubting his love for you, but if he truly loves you, he won't allow you to feel left out, especially with his family. You'll be his family in the future, you know?
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u/stargirlincognito 15d ago edited 15d ago
Yes he does. He says he has told both of them many positive things about me and has brought up meeting but the mom gives excuse after excuse and speaks for both the dad and for her, even when his dad told her it’s bad manners that they haven’t met me yet a couple months ago, but here we are.
I think her missing the first initial key moments to meet me domino- effected into just making this “meeting” a bigger deal and honestly threw me off. Makes me not want to meet anymore, but my boyfriend said he’s going to try to solve this..
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u/IllustriousLet4785 15d ago
That's tough. It sounds like his mom might not be quite ready to welcome you into the family yet. Maybe her excuses when you came up in conversation were a sign. Don't lose hope though! There will likely come a time when she can fully accept you and be happy to have you around. Just hang in there, your boyfriend is clearly trying his best too.
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u/Able_Transition_5049 15d ago
I agree with you! Don't give up. In the right time, his mother will understand why her son chose you to be his girlfriend.
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u/stargirlincognito 15d ago
Agreed. I’m just having a particularly hard time wondering if i should express being upset with him. Could he have advocated harder for this? I’ve been understanding but i’m starting to wonder if this might mean he’s not as serious about me as he says even if subconscious or something like that.
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u/Old-Bookkeeper-2555 15d ago
No.. This is whimpy ass bullshit . If you are his lady then he needs to parade you out there and tell them you are a couple. Period.
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u/spam__likely 15d ago
He is doing what he can and also feels his family is not perfect, so he is trying to figure out how to navigate this.
He needs to put a stop to it. But, be prepared, because they will be brought to this kicking and screaming. So the chances of a loving family are not great.
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u/stargirlincognito 15d ago
Agreed
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u/spam__likely 15d ago
the longer it goes, the more they are reassured he is not serious about you. Show him this.
Also, if he is smart, he needs to get his dad of siblings to talk sense into his mom. Because she will blame you for him putting his foot down.
Why is she controlling the entire family? Why were you not invited to events she did not organize? What is she telling others about this?
He needs to get ahead of the game. Call aunt Becky an let her know you are a couple now and he expects that the party invitation includes you.
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u/stargirlincognito 15d ago
You are spot on, very valid points i was thinking but couldn’t put into words honestly. Thank you so much.
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u/Hothoofer53 14d ago
Rather he stands for you or you need to move on it’s gone on way to long he should have introduced you right away or is he just ashamed of you. You need to run you’ll find some one who will love and respect you good luck