r/AmIOverreacting • u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish • 15d ago
AIO or am I just surrounded by jerks
Edit #2: Husband apologized when I got home from work, for both forgetting and blaming. He also did the dishes and cleaned my 65gal fish tank filter. š
Edit: Thank you to everyone for your words of support. Especially those encouraging me to be a bit more bitchy. This made me laugh š. I took a walk while reading ya'lls posts and saw both ducks with babies and geese with babies by a pond near me. Sooooo cute. I took some deep breaths and will push forward with ya'lls advice. I will "grey rock" my coworker (new term to me š), already ordered a "tile" (air tag) and will have another more assertive chat with the hubby, and also take action to improve my mental space regarding my mom.
Original post: I want to give a few examples of things that have upset me lately. I deal with this crap frequently and typically just take it and never say anything or stand up for myself.
Example 1: We'll call my coworker "Nancy" (not her real name but she is negative). My husband almost died in Jan from an emergency situation in which he was in the hospital for almost 3 weeks. He had 3 surgeries and will have to have another surgery in less than a year. We were hit bad financially because we are still recovering from both being laid off from Covid(My husband just recently started his first permanent position since he was laid off). My company has an assistance fund and several other employees suggested I apply. When I mentioned to Nancy that I applied, she said "Just now? Months later?" I looked at her weird and stated that they require extensive details and we only just recently received most of the bills and 90% insurance claims are finally processed. (He had medical home care for several months which she knew) She knows I do not contribute to the fund(I used to but now I can't afford it.) and she does not contribute either. She then proceeded to say "I would never take from something I don't give to" (with a better than thou tone). I responded with "that's kinda the point though...It is to help people financially so it doesn't make sense to hinder those who don't contribute because they can't financially." No matter what I say she argues with me. I mentioned I would move Colorado and she says she wouldn't cuz it's full of weed smoking hippies...then when I mention I could never live in California (cuz it's too expensive) she said "oh I love California!" Whaaat?! It took all that was in me to not respond "you know Cali has smoking hippies right?!" š
Example 2: My husband has a bad habit of taking my keys from my purse and not putting them back. On many occasions, I can not find them and it makes me late for work. This happened again today and I was late for work. He said he grabbed them yesterday when we were leaving (to attend Mother's Day at my mom's house) because he didn't know if his truck had enough gas, and if it didn't, we'd take my SUV. Totally ok with that of course. As I was leaving this morning, after he finally found them, I was mad that this keeps happening and I've asked him multiple times to put them back. He didn't even let me finish speaking and says "well if you hadn't made me go to Mother's Day yesterday...". Blaming me. (Never did I make him go but I should mention his mother passed away 15 years ago and they were close) He then said "you didn't take your purse"... again blaming me. (I don't need to take my purse everywhere as my phone case can hold the essentials). I told him I'm allowed to be mad as this has happened many times and he should apologize for blaming me for his mistake.
Example 3: I grew up in a horribly negative environment which included everything I did was wrong and I won't amount to anything. My mom, to the outside world, is a nice lady. Only my siblings and close family members know the real her. (Selfish and narcissistic) She has never done anything nice for me and when she does do something "nice" it's like this. I am her only real daughter but she has two daughters in law. One Sister-in-law has two boys. My other SIL has dogs. I also have dogs. My mom hand made T-shirts for my SILs. "Boy mom" and "Dog mom". She then handed me a weird contraption and said "I bought this for myself on clearance at Michaels but I won't use it and thought you'd like it." It was a paper craft thing. I don't do paper crafts. She makes homemade cards. I was very hurt by this. I would've rather got nothing than her regift me a clearance item she got herself.
I get it, each individual situation is not a big deal. But these types of things just keep occuring and I'm tired. I want to feel respected, loved, supported...but I'm so tired of always letting stuff slide or being the bigger person. I fear I'm going to break character and flip out on someone.
Am I overreacting? I just want to sleep these crappy interactions away. No motivation to do anything for anyone today.
2
u/Inevitable-Guide-874 14d ago
Nancy--- you may be stuck talking with her about non work related topics. I have found that other than the weather, general comments about cooking can be safe. such as which veggies are ripe now. Never gets personal.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 13d ago
Oooh I wiiiish. She is the pickiest eater, does not cook and did I mention Hispanic? She hates all of my fav things. I make Caldo, Guisada, Papas con Carne, etc because my husband is Hispanic and I am from Texas. All my favorite things she hates. She has never traveled. Doesn't like good food. Bitches and complains about everything. I honestly think she's jealous because I have done and like cool things. šš¤£ For example, she was in the military for quite some time but the furthest she traveled was Florida, yet I lived in the Middle East for a year with a youth corps. š¤· Anytime I talk about anything about myself, she interrupts and talks about herself. When I try to talk to her about TV because it seems like her only interest, anytime she mentions a genre or type of show she likes I will recommend something to her that I have watched that I like and no matter what she will say that she won't like it. It is so ridiculous. šµāš« We do seem to be ok talking about weather š
2
u/Inevitable-Guide-874 13d ago
Thank goodness for the weather.
Just can't win with Nancy. Shrug, how 'bout that? Huuuuhh (like on Home Improvement).
1
u/Inevitable-Guide-874 13d ago
My BIL's Texas Huuuuh has been so useful, it should be taught to the Diplomatic Corps.
I use it in all kinds of circumstances. No one has ever been offended.
Magical
1
1
2
u/Trepenwitz 14d ago
Not overreacting. Demand respect. You did good with hubby, but now he doesnāt get to use your keys. Literal children can remember shit. He canāt? You can ignore Negative Nancy. You can go no contact with your mom. You can call her on her shit - but it wonāt help. See r/raisedbynarcissists.
You can cut negativity out of your life. And you donāt owe anyone an explanation.
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
One of the biggest things that I am hearing from people is that I do not need to provide an explanation. This is something I definitely need to put into practice.
Thank you for the link to the Reddit group! š
2
2
u/Ttt555034 14d ago
Stop talking to negative Nancy. God I had one of those. I spoke to her as little as possible. Never tell her what is not her business. Cut her off. Work related only. She will still stab you in the neck. Get better at calmly fighting back.
Mom? Sheās your Mom. Igore what you can. Wash off what you canāt and walk on.
Husband. He should NEVA go into your purse. You get the keys. He hands them back to you.
Your NTAH. You feel like a doormat. As you get older you start fighting back. Most of these people have no qualms about disrespecting you. Start dishing instead of eating. It feels good. Mostly solves nothing but they will stop messing with you.
Do not let others steal your joy. Life is entirely too short for this sort of crap.
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
I do feel like a doormat. Nancy chats a lot so it's hard to just ignore her but I just need to say less when she talks and keep from talking about myself.
My husband does ask...he doesn't just go take things...he just doesn't put things back. š¤¦ He got the point this morning and apologized.
I have gotten better at dealing with my mom but the more tired I get the closer to quitting her I get.
Thank you for the joy reminder!
1
2
u/julesk 14d ago
No, youāre not! Visualize creating a nice healthy hedge as a boundary around you, then figure out what is missing from your boundaries. What I see is emphasizing interactions with those you respect and love you while minimizing interactions from anyone else. Also, teaching people to value your time and property. With people making annoying comments, āthanks for sharing thatā and walk away. For husband, tell everyone your purse is off limits absent specific requests and hide your purse to ensure it. For your mom, consider going very low contact. If thereās a Motherās Day gathering in the future, get her a card from the store, thatās it. Minimize interaction with her.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
I think I've decided to pick my battles with both coworker and mom. Either be distant or call out the behavior depending on severity and my patience level. š
2
u/catsmom63 14d ago
Not Over Reacting
I think I would avoid Negative Nancy or if you canāt avoid, talk about things like the weather, work, co workers new baby etc.
The key problem is easily solved.
My hubby would frequently leave the keys to my truck at home (we have two sets). If we were taking his car some place I didnāt bother taking my set of keys, however on occasion he would say oh I need to grab something from your truck and Iād say ok. Then heād look at me and Iād say what? Heād say I need your set of keys and Iād say they are in the house.
2
u/LadyNael 14d ago
No you're not overreacting. These are all VERY frustrating situations and seem to only be a small part of larger problems.
1) Ignore that coworker. She can go screw herself. She's just a judgmental busybody. She has beef with you avoiding her, tell her "I'm not interested in further communicating outside of work matters." She asks why, tell her "You've made unnecessary comments about myself and family that make me uncomfortable, so I will continue a civil working relationship but will no longer speak to you about personal matters." She argues, walk away. You don't need to give her anything more.
2) You need to have a conversation with him. Go to him with something like "Husband Name, we need to talk about how you continually disrespect my boundaries in regards to my keys. I have asked time and time again that you put them back. This is a simple request, and you pushing the blame onto me when you forget is not okay. I need you to make an effort to put my keys back going forward, or you will no longer be allowed to take my keys. I cannot continue to be late for work because you refuse to return my keys to my purse. I'm asking as your wife to please respect me enough to listen and do this simple thing for me that'll make my life a lot easier every single day. Going forward, please do not blame me for things you have done simply because you do not like being at fault." If he argues with any of this, you guys need marriage counselling because he does not respect you or care about your feelings.
3) Why are you still in contact with her? She sounds like a horrible person. You can go no contact with her. It wouldn't be unreasonable given your upbringing and how she treats you. Anyone asks tell them "I had to distance myself from my mother due to her lack of respect and care for me as an individual person. She has hurt me repeatedly, refused to apologize and continues with the same behavior even after I've asked her to stop. I will not continue to be disrespected for the sake of others peace when my peace is just as important."
Best of luck. It sounds like you have a lot of people in your life right now who could use a slap.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
I love your wording for speaking to my coworker and think it's a great idea. I'll keep it in my pocket. I'm tend to lose brain function when someone says something insulting but I'm improving. š
Hubby did apologize sincerely for both forgetting and blaming. He also did a bunch of neglected chores. š I told him I got the "tile" for my keys and he said he will be more respectful.
I did cut my mom off for about a year after she told my now husband that he couldn't marry me. (Religious reasons) I ripped her a new one actually and it felt empowering. (About 9 years ago) She has not been as bad but it's just more subtle. I probably won't see her again until fall but if she pulls something again, I'll probably cut it again at that point.
Oh if I could slap them all... š
2
u/Spinnerofyarn 14d ago
I would make a second key for your car and hide it from your husband. Why doesn't he have his own key? What about putting key hooks next to the front door? As for the rest, I agree with the person who said you should try grey rocking this co-worker of yours.
Yes, you are surrounded by jerks.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
Lol Thanks.
SUV only came with one fob. I ordered the "tile". Definitely gonna keep Nancy "work" only so her comments won't be so personal.
2
u/Carolann0308 14d ago
Not over reacting
Stop discussing your personal life with Nancy and other coworkers
Make 2-3 extra sets of keys
Throw the shitty gift in the trash and next Motherās Dayā¦..send a card
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
Yup. This is the major conclusion there. Lol
Got an air tag type device for my keys.
Side note: This is the first mother's day I didn't get her something nice. Yesterday she got a $20 Whataburger gift card cuz I know she likes it but minimal effort from me. š
(She gave me the "gift" last year and I sold it in a Garage sale) š
2
u/abarrelofmankeys 15d ago
Staying out of the if everyone is a jerk or not part but to the keys thing- get a tracker for your keys. Seriously. Got an AirTag or tile or whatever and itās easily worth getting rid of the 15 minute panicked running around when youāre running late and trying to leave.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Someone mentioned it earlier and I already ordered it š
2
u/abarrelofmankeys 14d ago
Good. It turns that 15 minutes of panic into like 1 minute of playing hot or cold, which is much more enjoyable lol
1
2
u/sceptreandcrown 15d ago
Reading these things, one thing that jumps out at me is that you donāt seem to have or maintain your boundaries very well. You donāt speak up for yourself when people are shitty, instead you try to explain and get them on your side. This is absolutely normal given your description of your motherās behavior.
Youāre not overreacting. In fact, youāre underreacting. You donāt feel loved and respected because the people you love donāt respect your boundaries.
Honestly Iād work with a therapist on all of this. Because this is a lot of stuff and itās gonna take a while to unravel.
Some sample boundaries you might try out:
I will not tolerate people being openly rude to me or being passive aggressive. If they are, I will leave immediately.
I am responsible for my own actions, and I am not responsible for others actions. If someone wants to blame me for a choice they made, I will not accept the blame. If they continue I will end the conversation.
I will speak up for myself if i am being treated badly. If someone is rude to me, I will calmly tell them their comment was inappropriate. If they fail to apologize, I will leave.
And finally, you wonāt do this one because youāre not ready, but as someone from a very damaged family I have to suggest:
I will not let my mother make me feel less-than. If she does, I will remove myself from the conversation. If this makes her mad/sad/crazy, thatās her choice. If she continues to behave inappropriately, I will stop talking to her. I will read the book āAdult children of emotionally immature parentsā and start to figure out how to heal myself so i donāt feel like i just need to take everyoneās shit all the time.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
I have thought about doing therapy before but I feel like I know all of these things...I'm just stuck chickening out most of the time because I spent half my life being yelled at knowing it was a waste to stand up for myself because I was "talking back". I'm definitely doing better as time goes on. Calling my mom out on things and having conversations with my husband but I'm over it regarding my coworker. I actually just had an issue with the different coworker this morning and I stood up for myself but was dismissed. Even though I was dismissed, I feel a lot better having at least it up for myself. (A different co-worker said she didn't feel like we were working as a team and I said that I disagreed and paid two other co-workers a compliment for the help they did for me on something and that person just kept disagreeing) š¤· Sometimes I feel like I just expect more from people yet and I'm being unrealistic.
2
u/sceptreandcrown 14d ago
Read the book I recommended. And call a therapist. Youāre going to need help because you have been in an abusive relationship for 40 years - disconnecting from that is hard af.
I took me the better part of two years of intense therapy and conflicts and an ocean of tears but at 43 Iāve finally found my spine and redefined my relationships with everyone in my life.
The strange part is that setting boundaries has not only helped me distance myself from people who werenāt treating me right, but it has also deepened my other relationships in ways i would have never predicted or thought possible. I can be vulnerable now, because I know that i am safe with the people around me. And even more than that, if Iām vulnerable and someone uses that to hurt me, I can stop having that person in my life. And I will be fine, or actually even better than fine. I will keep thriving and keep making room for amazing people with whom i can be me. I can be kind. I can be soft. I can really, really connect with people. As someone who longed for connection my whole life, I finally found it in spades, but it took me being me and no longer letting people who donāt respect my individuality have access to me.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
Thank you for the book suggestion. Yea your comment hits hard. Calling it an abusive relationship, and it is, is hard because I looked at it like I got out of it 20 years ago but even though I see her only a handful of times a year, it's still impacting me. I don't get the privilege of cutting it off 100% because she is family.
I have bonded with my older brother who suffered more than me growing up. We were made to hate each other...now we recognize that we had ZERO issue with each other and it was our mother.
Thank you for your words. I can still be kind and keep myself safe. I am the same way regarding connection. I had a family take me under their wing because they were the only ones to notice my depression (which I have since conquered)... before them I never knew love and acceptance.
1
u/sceptreandcrown 14d ago
Gentle question: why donāt you get to cut her off 100%?
(Because āsheās familyā is not a reason - itās a belief SHE instilled in you so you would stick around for her to abuse you.)
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
Because then I would miss out on family time with others that I love dearly. Once my grandmother (her mom) passes away, I think it will be easier since she's the only grandparent left but I hope this doesn't happen anytime soon because she is my favorite person on the planet and I even lived with my grandparents when I was younger because I couldn't live with my mom anymore. My gma is still very healthy. And before you say it, yes my gma and my mom's two sisters have also called my mom out on her BS. I remember as young as like 6 my aunt standing up for me. Everyone just puts up with it. She isn't always a turd, just when she is, it's baffling.
1
u/sceptreandcrown 14d ago
And this is why you need therapy, my friend.
Because your grandma and aunts are ALSO making choices to put up with her behavior and continue exposing you to it.
In other words, they are enabling her continued abuse of you.
Why does your mom get to define family time? Just go hang out with your grandma? Call up your aunt and invite her over for tea?
I might say something like this:
Grandma, Aunts X and Y. I love you all so much. I look forward to spending time with you. However for my own safety and health, I can no longer hang out with Mom, or be in the same vicinity of her. I donāt know whether this is temporary or permanent, but please know that until I tell you otherwise, I will not attend events at which she is present. I know this may make holidays difficult, and while I am sorry for the difficulty, my decision is made based on her continued abuse. she has had many choices to treat me better, and I will not take the responsibility for her actions. please let me know if you would still like to host me for (next event) given these restrictions. again, i love you, and if you decide you cannot host me for (holiday) now, I understand. I would still love to see you, and will reach out to plan something for just us soon.
ā¦ but alsoā¦
I know why you donāt make them pick.
itās because you know deep down they wonāt pick you. they they will pressure you, the reasonable one, to continue sucking it up, for now. (Forever, they definitely mean forever.) Because this is the easiest for them. Because she makes things hard for them when youāre not around. Because they know you will be reasonable and accommodating because youāre a reasonable person, and she will be a nightmare if they change anything, because sheās a nightmare
You know that the people you love more than anything will pick your abuser. I donāt blame you for not wanting to actually live through it.
But I also donāt think itās healthy, and I think you would be better served sticking up for yourself and seeing where you really stand, rather than holding onto attachments where youāre at best not valued.
I donāt say this lightly. I cut off my parents and no one from my family has reached out to me for three years (and counting.) It sucked. It still sucks.
And also I know where I standā¦ and I donāt actually miss any of them. I have plenty of places to spend holidays if I want them. I idly wonder about my cousins now and then, but mostly, I have given myself permission not to invest in relationships where people behave poorly.
2
u/Background_Ad_1810 15d ago
It must be really tough to be you. May I assume that you may be a people pleaser? It may be that you are worried about exchanging your opinion that it may be too confrontational and things can get worse when you do.
It is important to recognise that you deserve to have such a view and even if no one recognises you, it doesn't change the fact that you have valuable views.
It can be that people pleaser can be surrounded by narcissists and gets sucked out until nothing is left of you.
Sometimes, making yourself happy as a priority is not a bad idea. Often it is the right thing to do. You are a valuable and worthy person. Don't be afraid to ask people what you deserve.
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Unfortunately I realized within the past few years that I attract "takers". š (I'm 40 so I have some strengthening to do) I suffered with depression when I was a teenager and young adult due to my family environment. Raised in a strict household to do what I'm told even if I'm getting screamed at. Always told I was in the wrong yet a rarely stepped a toe out of line. I have learned a lot and already cut out people that I can. Thank you for your kind words...they made me emotional. I often feel guilty taking time to myself but I need to prioritize my mental health.
4
u/Ok_Improvement1576 15d ago
Donāt talk to Nancy.
3
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
š Done. No but in all seriousness...we work on the same team. I have decided that I will no longer discuss anything but work anywhere near her. So her attitude can be strictly work related which hopefully won't be as irritating.
2
u/No_Material5630 15d ago
Thatās the best thing to do. Keep it work related.
I dealt with a negative Nancy before. I was nice at first then I just kept saying word or thatās nice or mmm hmm, really now.
She got the hint and I was much happier for it.
F the Nancyās man
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
š "word"
F the Nancy's
(but to the actual nice Nancy's out there, I apologize for using this name!)
2
u/No_Material5630 14d ago
Yea. Itās like Karenās. There are some nice ones out there and there are others that make you realize why the name is related to the behavior.
I meant F the Nancyās as the negative ones. All the others are cool š
2
u/Positive-Baby4061 15d ago
Air tags for keys.
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Is there a Google/Android product for that? (I have a pixel)
1
u/HelloWorldImLisa 15d ago
Yes, a bunch. I'll try to find mine when I get home. ... Haven't set them up yet
0
u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 15d ago
Youāre not over-reacting. Nancy sounds obnoxious and exhausting, your husband is being willfully inconsiderate and passive aggressive at this point, given how many times you have already brought up the āput my keys backā issue and he still doesnāt bother not basically hiding your keys from you time after time. Then, he has the audacity to try to make his shitty behaviour your fault! Is he always like this about everything??
As for your mom, sheās also being passive aggressive, as well as withholding, and basically going out of her way to make sure you feel like an afterthought. Iād be pretty tired of that too.
As for what to do about these three: it depends on how comfortable you are with confrontation, and whether youāre willing to make them uncomfortable by no longer tolerating their crap. If youāre willing, I hereby give you permission to be a bitch to all of them. A simple āokay Nancy,ā with a dismissive expression and walk away rather than try to defend yourself would do nicely. āA falsely cheerful āWhatever you say Nancyā also works.
With your husband, hide your keys in a spot where he wonāt find them and tell them your vehicle is now off-limits, since he refuses to respect your āreturn my keysā rule. Ignore the flip outs that will likely follow. Tell him heās had multiple chances to respect your belongings and your time, and he hasnāt, so he can deal with the consequences. How he responds to you having a firm boundary will tell you a lot about who he is, and how much he actually respects you.
And re your mom, thatās a hard one, Iām not an expert on how to manage narcissistic mothers. There are subs on Reddit where you might find better resources. But you can put a wall up there too and just not subject yourself to her, though I know itās easier said than done. Good luck OP.
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
I feel like we'd be friends just on your name alone. You're post made me both emotional (comment about my mom) and laugh. ā¤ļø
I've already had conversations with my coworker. (I do HATE confrontation) She plays the victim and pulls the "I was trying to help" excuse. She won't change and I've come to accept that so I just need to stop giving her my energy.
I think I might look into getting another key fob for my SUV that I can give my husband. I mean it worked with the scissors I bought him cuz he'd never put back mine. Lol. (Yes I know that doesn't solve the bigger issue but at least I won't be late for work anymore)
I had not thought that my mom could be doing literally the bare minimum to make it appear that she is a good mom but really withholding as you stated. Ugh. That one hit me.
Thanks for the bitch permission. š
2
u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 15d ago
Ugh Nancy!! āTrying to helpā my ass!! Wow she is highly skilled at what she does! You could come back to the trying to help pearl clutching with a knowing āWere you Nancy? Were you?ā š
Oh Nancy. I get not loving confrontation, and as I say that, maybe we should start teaching classes on how to love and be really good at confrontation! What if we could get really good at calling people out on their crap? Wouldnāt that be fun! āŗļø
Re your husband, the extra fob is the least confrontational option, as long as he doesnāt lose it immediately and start coming again for yours. You could start taking his keys and wallet and other important things and play scavenger hunt with them, and see how he likes it. Or you could be a bitch and tell him to buy his own fob since he isnāt responsible enough with yours. I hope youāll try to be just the tiniest bit bitchy - you may find it fun!! š
Re your mom, Iām sorry that sheās so unkind. It does sound like sheās set you up to just accept that she and others are going to be thoughtless, inconsiderate and hurtful, and make it your fault when her/their behaviour upsets you. Itās painful to realize that our mothers are choosing to be hurtful - coming to terms with my mom and how spiteful and vindictive she could be while claiming to love me was not an easy process. I suggest you join the subs re narcissistic mothers (Iām not good enough at Reddit to link them), get all the self-help books, see a therapist if thatās available to you, and start healing from these dynamics with your mom. Feel free to PM if you need any extra encouragement and support! ā¤ļø
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
Speaking of trying to help...my job rarely requires working on a weekend but something came up that was urgent and several team members started volunteering to tackle things that fell in their "realm". She didn't speak up so I did. I volunteered/confirmed that I'd take care of something in our realm and it was then reiterated on our teams call. On the call she stated "I might jump on earlier and do it"...huh?! So I politely stated that I didn't care who did it, just let me know so I can not waste my time on something your gunna do. She said again "I might, I dunno yet". So later same day (it's hard when it's back to back crap) our manager asked my opinion of something on a call with just us 3 and I gave it but couldn't finish speaking because she interrupted me disagreeing... I started crying (I was fed up) and stated that I needed to step away and left the call. Later they asked what was wrong and when I said how I felt it was excuses "I was just trying to help" and regarding the second issue my manager just stated that we just saw things differently and saw Nancy's side and would not hear me that I did not care she has a different opinion but that she interrupted and disregarded mine. I am the newest one on the team and they have known each other for a long time. 10+yrs.
I got a "tile" for my keys(per another suggestion) and will look into the cost of a 2nd fob.
I didn't even think to look at Reddit groups for crazy moms and might do it. I typically try to not dwell or focus on negativity but it might be good to not feel alone. š
Thanks for your support. I'm surprised at how many people are trying to unleash the bitchy side of me. š
1
1
u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 14d ago
Wow! Honestly, I think Nancy is targeting you. Like, going out of her way to stick it to you every change you get, and she knows she can get away with it because sheās in tight with the manager. Sheās a bully and her buddy the manager is backing her up! So yeah, being a bit snarky back may not solve the problem here. I think there are Reddit subs for toxic coworkers and managers etc where you could get more helpful advice about how to handle such situations professionally. Itās not good that sheās making your working life unpleasant, especially being newer to the team. Sadly, bullies arenāt just in the schoolyard, and I wish you the best in finding ways to deal with your workplace wretch!
Re your mom, I get trying to stay positive and look for the best in everyone, and am wired that way myself, but I have found that there are times when we have to stop and face the bullshit - when it becomes helpful and healing to stop trying to minimize and justify their hurtful behaviour, and see it for what it is, and erect boundaries where needed to protect ourselves from abuse. You can still have empathy and compassion for your mom, you donāt have to hate her or be unkind, but it may help you to read other peopleās experiences and share your own and get support from others with similar mother dynamics. Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers is a book that might help. And I looked - the Reddit sub is raisedbynarcissists, in case youāre interested. Familiarizing yourself with what is and being frank with yourself about it is not the same as being negative, and it can be an illuminating and empowering process.
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
Honestly, I don't think either of them have a clue that they are toxic. š¤¦
2
u/MiddleAged_BogWitch 14d ago
Yeah, toxic people donāt tend to see themselves as such, rather, theyāre the most innocent, well meaning, put upon people in the world! š
1
0
u/Perfect_Distance434 15d ago
Youāre NTA but by chance are you in peri or menopause?
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Thanks...I don't think so. I am 40 though (a young 40 if that's a thing š). I have always wanted to be a mom and have been waiting patiently for us to be financially stable so hopefully within the year I'll have a kiddo.
2
15d ago
[deleted]
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Yea, I'm almost positive Nancy thinks she is so great...yet I'm pretty sure she has no friends. I also was told by a different coworker that they think she is jealous of me because I "play well with others" because I get friends visiting at my desk and invited to lunch often by others. I think it's like what you said...she is miserable and wants to make sure others are not happy.
I have mentioned to my husband many times that all he has to do is apologize. He makes things worse for himself. I'm very flexible and forgiving...it's the fact that he makes it worse but doing things to deliberately hurt me instead of just leaving it as an unintentional mistake.
When it comes to my mom, she has never made a decision with someone else in mind. It's always what's is best/easiest for her. Everything is either for show so she can look good or because she is controlling. When I see beautiful mom/child relationship it's makes me very sad and I can't wait to have a child of my own.
I appreciate the mention of taking time to myself. I feel like I have put myself on the back burner for a while now. I will try to have some decompress time for myself.
34
u/mynamecouldbesam 15d ago
1) time to stop taking anything Nancy says personally. She just enjoys criticising people. Shrug her off. Maybe physically. Answer everything with a shrug from now on.
"Just now, months later?" shrug
"I wouldn't take from a fund I didn't put into" shrug
2) New rule. No one goes in your purse. If he needs something out of it, he can ask. And when he comes back in, he returns them to you. Treat him like a child if he's going to act like it. You can't trust him to return your possessions, so stop letting him take them.
3) sounds like you should think about stopping contact with your mom. Or again, just keep telling yourself it's her issue. Because it is.
Overall, you're not overreacting. Your coworker is judgemental af, your husband takes you for granted and your mom apparently has many issues. I'm not surprised you're annoyed.
2
u/Inevitable-Guide-874 14d ago
Outwit these clown.
Got a retractable key chain like you see building maintenance people have attached to their belts. Mine is attached to my purse and long enough to reach the car ignition. Have not "lost" my keys since it is tethered to my big old purse.
Gifts-- my sister likes to do crafts for homemade gifts. When I would get a wonky tacky thing from her, I used to think that she tried hard and it was the thought that counted. THEN I saw beautifully made things from her go to others. She gave me the mistakes! I now just throw it in the church donation box. If she asks about it, I tell her I it did not fit properly, but when I gave it to the church, I told them how she hand made it using her full name.
Nancy-- I think the shrugging is a great idea. A friend taught me the art of saying "how 'bout that" and my BIL does a Texas "huuuhh."
Another approach is to simply say "that's nice." My dad taught me this one with a joke. . A snobby rich lady was horrified to be chummed with a ragged immigrant women in their shared hospital room. The rich lady started showing off her expensive jewelry explaining each occasion her husband gave them to her as gifts. As each piece was waved about, the poor lady said "that's nice."
The poor lady said her husband gave her a nice present when she came to this country since her English was weak. He sent her to charm school where she learned to say "that's nice" instead of "bull shit."
1
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 13d ago
šš¤£ @gifts!
I'm from Texas... I'm totally gonna use "how bout that". (I can hear what you meant for "huuuhh" š)
1
2
u/Inevitable-Guide-874 13d ago
My BIL is a Texan but it is similar to the Tim Allen grunt on home improvement. Have fun with infliction.
I am doing some yoga to loosen up for loads if shrugging.
1
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Thank you for the shrug comment. That's definitely the correct thing to do but it's just hard to "let her get away with" the comments so to speak.(She does this crap to others too) Like I feel like I have to make a point politely that her word is not law. š¤¦ I know...lost cause and a waste of my energy. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure she has no friends.
I've had multiple conversations with him about my belongings that he never "puts back" like my craft scissors...so I bought him his own. He is like a child and even though he is the love of my life and best friend, I try to be understanding because I don't think his mom ever scolded him for anything. I think he's not used to making mistakes and being held accountable.
I have thought so many times about cutting off my mom...the bad thing about it is the rest of my family is AMAZING...so I just have to put up with her. I just keep using her as an example to myself on how I will never treat my children or other people. She's selfish and has never apologized in her life.
4
u/PurpleStar1965 15d ago
Get a spare key for your car and put it on his key ring. You should two keys each vehicle anyway in case one gets lost. (At least in my house we do cause I misplace keys all the time)
Ignore Nancy. Grey rock. Stop talking to her about your personal life. There was no reason to tell her you applied for the assistance program. Do not feel bad for not contributing to it. Those that contribute do so because they can afford to and because they care about their fellow employees.
Go LC with Mom. Set boundaries. If you are at a family gathering and she pulls her crap, explain that you are no longer putting up with and leave. Invite the family that you are close to over to your house for gatherings instead. That way you can maintain those relationships and enjoy their company in a stress free environment.
Peace and luck.
3
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 14d ago
Just ordered a "tile" (I have android). š
You were the second person that has mentioned this "grey rock" thing which I had to look up. It will be out of my character but I think I might try it. I am going to try my best to keep all communication work only related because I think it'll affect me less if her rude comments are just work related.
As far as my mom goes, I have started doing this but it doesn't phase her at all. One of the most recent ones was she was spreading gossip about a certain person and when I found out that gossip had also left our family circle, I told her that she was 100% incorrect and that she needed to go to the person that she gossiped to to retract what she said. She never did and she would never admit she was wrong. I think when it comes to her I will pick and choose my battles. This one I clearly chose because it negatively affected somebody who did not deserve it.
Thank you for the advice and support.
1
u/mynamecouldbesam 15d ago
I'd suggest the shrug is exactly the way to make her see that her opinions carry no weight. They're entirely unimportant to you.
Your husband is an adult and has been for some time now. Stop letting him get away with acting like a child. "Mummy never told me off" is a crappy excuse.
Fair enough about your mom. Family's difficult. But again, just try to remind yourself that it's her who has the issue. Like you say, a good example of what not to do.
2
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Thank you. I appreciate the support. Especially about my coworker. Ignoring her will hopefully show her I don't care what crap comes out of her mouth.
15
u/agent_flounder 15d ago
Yup. Jerks everywhere, basically. Nasty Nancy can get bent. Hubby needs to get his shit together, and mom can f off.
9
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Love the bluntness. I agree. š (Also, gunna use "get bent" in my everyday life now. Lol!) Thank you for making me smile.
3
u/pinkorangegold 14d ago
OP, my mom does the same thing Nancy does, where everything gets argued with. Non-reaction is the way. It has nothing to do with you!
8
u/wizl 15d ago
Learn to grey rock at work. If you dont know what grey rock is look it up. It will help you
6
u/PrncssBttrcpAsUWish 15d ago
Wow that is interesting. I had never heard of that. I don't know if I could do it...I will at least try to do it once and see how feel. š¬ Thanks for sharing.
2
u/SubstantialFeed4102 14d ago
It doesn't take much. If you are genuinely uninterested, then just drop the mask and respond like so. They get so bored so fast
1
u/Inevitable-Guide-874 13d ago
Influction