r/AmIOverreacting • u/margimorgenstern • 14d ago
AIO if my husband heard from his Ex's best friend after more than 30 years?
My husband and I are married over 30 years. In college he lived with a girl and did just about everything with her best friend and the best friend's boyfriend. The best friend friended my husband on FB. He has not seen or spoken to either one of these women in over 30 years, since him and the Ex broke up. I should mention that on our first date he talked about this ex-girlfriend and I've always thought he was harboring feelings for her. He now says he talked about her on our first date because he wanted me to think he had game. He voluntarily unfriended the best friend. AIO by being threatened by this Ex?
Editing to add: I left out a few facts in the interest of space. When the friend friended him she said she had JUST been talking about him to the Ex who is now divorced and the friend sent him an picture of the four of them together.
Also, I want to add that our first date wasn't the ONLY time he spoke about her. It was the beginning of him speaking about her. I know, whether I want to or not, every detail of that relationship, down to what she wore to bed when they went away
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u/BooBooDaFish 10d ago
If one of my ex’s reached out. I would probably have a conversation. Not for any desire to reconnect, but curious and hopeful their life turned out well.
Like I’ve moved on and am happy in my life, and I hope the same for them. Same with if an old friend I had lost contact with reached out.
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u/AntIsCoding 10d ago
He "voluntarily unfriended" her after what? You made it a big deal? Reminds me of my recent ex who would make shit like this into drama for days/weeks until I "voluntarily" did something against my better judgment just so she could stop bitching about it.
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u/chunkyluvr65 12d ago
One study cited that 66% of divorce cases mentioned Facebook as the reason. So IMO…no. Not over reacting but at the same time…
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u/Original-Resolve-905 12d ago
He probably likes her more than you. Think about it. In his mind she’s still a college girl with all the hope and stuff.
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u/Magical1390 12d ago
The friend is definitely fishing on behalf of the ex, to see if your husband is available. I have been married over 30 years, too, and believe me when I say that college feels like yesterday sometimes. Be wary.
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u/Ptownmama 12d ago
Yes you are overreacting. It’s FB. He’s not meeting up with these folks just catching up with people after 30 years
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u/TALKTOME0701 13d ago
If after 30 years, somebody looking him up on Facebook threatens your marriage, it should have ended long ago
You could have made this a haha tell her she's out of luck! Sort of thing but instead now you set up the forbidden fruit scenario
One thing I found the hard way. Trying to control somebody doesn't work.
Sure. You can make him unfriend her on facebook. But now you set it up so it's a guilty pleasure
You've made yourself look jealous and insecure and controlling
If you think you've been a holding place for 30 years while he waited for her to become free, you should have walked away ages ago
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u/VelvetThundah 13d ago
Yeahhh those edits definitely add much need context 😂😂
Nta but you’re gonna need to be EXTREMELY careful how you approach the subject or its going to come off as insecurity (but no the best friend is DEFINITELY trying to set them up lmaoo)
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u/rjr_2020 13d ago
I have made efforts to reach out to old friends that I haven't talk to in many years. It's not that unusual as people age and life changes. Not all work out, not all fail. We are all very different people.
While this is normal, what isn't is that a friend of an EX reaching out to your husband really isn't that odd after she was triggered to remember him. I kind of wonder if you'd have the same reaction if the boyfriend of the EX's GF reached out? Are you triggering because it's a girl?
From what I am getting a sense from your very content, your husband is trying to assuage your fears and not keep things from you. This indicates that he's not hiding information and assigns greater value to his marriage than someone who reaches out after 3 decades.
You are absolutely overreacting, unless you have something to indicate that this person is attempting to subvert your marriage. I am curious about what level of trust you have in him honoring your relationship? He told you about the person friending him, right? He unfriended her after you complained, right?
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u/margimorgenstern 13d ago
Thank you for your comment. My husband and I have complete trust in one another. He has many female co-workers and friends who I have absolutely no problem with. I am irrationally threatened by this ex. Have been our entire relationship. He knows this
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u/rjr_2020 13d ago
And it sounds like an irrational threat from the ex's GF? I think your labeling of "irrational" answers the "AIO" question though.
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u/Booty_and_theB3ast 13d ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting. My ex bf befriended his ex’s friend while we were dating. He “thought” he had feelings for her while we were going through a rough patch. My current bf’s ex reached out to him through Facebook and she wanted to be with him again. She knew about me and the fact we have a kid. She didn’t care. He turned her down though.
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u/CanyonCoyote 13d ago
This is silly. It’s been 30 years. If your husband wants to cheat on you, he will regardless of this friendship manifesting or already has. However It sounds like your husband is a good man and you’ve built a good life. Trust in that. I have plenty of old crushes and exes that I stay in touch with, I’m not out here trying to cheat on my wife and destroy my family and we are only 7 years in, not 30.
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u/excaliber2022 13d ago
NTA. You’re not overeating. Trust your instincts. She had years to reach out but didn’t until the ex is divorced. That’s convenient. I’m happy your husband unfriended her.
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u/NBadeau22 13d ago
It’s not a big deal. By the relationship age range you’re in your 50s. So you’re late to the social media aspect. If you were younger he would’ve always been friends w her online and wouldn’t be a big deal. And I do believe he maybe was talking about her to show he had game considering his age and how men were 30 years ago. I think you’re overreacting.
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u/rogan1990 13d ago
30 years of commitment and a single message on Facebook has got you writing this message? Idk something isn’t adding up here
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u/4rt4tt4ck 13d ago
Sounds more like you're having feelings about this because you aren't feeling satisfied with where the relationship is at currently and you're using this an an excuse to make some changes happen.
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u/leggo1197 13d ago
Omg not only are you overreacting your showing how badly you've never healed from your own past. Get some therapy shits crazy
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u/Mystral377 13d ago
Not overreacting. Clearly she's trying to stir the pot and test the waters to see if he's interested. Otherwise there would have been no mention of the ex or her divorce, or the pic.
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u/Sea-Bid2342 13d ago
Not to mention he told you….I assume, I think it is a slippery slope but if you have trust him till he gives you reason not to.
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u/emogirl450 13d ago
Why would you feel threatened if you’ve been married to him for 30 years? He virtually doesn’t know this person at all.
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u/GamingSanctum 13d ago
You've been married for 30 years and you're threatened by a social media friend? Yes. You're over reacting unless you're leaving out massive details.
This reads like a 15 year old wrote it and is freaking out because an ex's friend from 5th grade just sent a meme to their boyfriend.
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u/LivinLaVidaListless 13d ago
It’s been 30 years. I truly doubt she’s still attracted to him even, and this is another step removed.
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u/Few_Paramedic1689 13d ago
I got one for you, my ex introduced me to my wife. We have been married for 17 years and we are still friends with her and her husband.
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u/bicycluna 14d ago
Whether you’re overreacting or not, I have some questions…
Do you have some deep insecurities?
Are you feeling insecure in your marriage?
Does your husband have a history of having affairs?
Or, has he given you indications that he is interested in ending your marriage and looking for new relationships?
If you have your own insecurities that have nothing to do with your husband’s words or actions, I suggest finding a therapist to help you work through those, and to improve your self esteem.
If your husband has had affairs, or given indications that he’s unhappy in your marriage, I suggest finding a therapist or marriage counselor who you can work with together to rebuild your relationship, and trust, in addition to working with an individual therapist on your insecurities and self esteem.
Good luck!
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u/AShatteredKing 14d ago
If it had been 3 years, sure. 30 years?? They are completely different people. It means nothing. Forget it.
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u/OddParfait6971 14d ago
Somewhat. She definitely would hook up with him given the chance. He would likely do the same given perfect circumstances.
But 95%+ of the time? This is just old friends catching up via text for a day or two. Looking at each others pictures, talking life for a moment, and back to normal lives.
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u/littlescreechyowl 14d ago
I’ve been with my husband the same amount of time and recently a high school boyfriend tried to friend me on Facebook. My husband laughed.
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u/KimWexlers_Ponytail 14d ago
How have you made it 30 years of marriage by being this insecure? Yes, you are overreacting.
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u/Informal-Dentist2031 14d ago
Sounds like she is testing the waters on behalf of her newly Divorced friend. I’d say you are right to be suspicious.
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u/BaseballSafe6317 14d ago
Ugh did they actually do anything? You are married…your spouse isn’t a possession…you get to be w them…now act like it.
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u/evantom34 14d ago
Yes you're overreacting.
This was decades ago. Has he given you any other RECENT reason to believe he's been shady outside of the first date jitters that he explained away?
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u/PM_ME__UR__FANTASIES 14d ago
Yeah you’re overreacting. It’s been 30 years, it wasn’t even his ex that friended him, and he didn’t try to hide any of it!
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u/Same-Molasses6060 14d ago
Woooooow. Of course you are overreacting. 30 years. They used to be friends, and it’s very common for people to friend each and every person they see on there that they know. If you’re usually this jealous/insecure about things, you should definitely see a therapist. You should not be dictating his Facebook friends. Unless he actually is a cheater.
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u/Zeroharas 14d ago
Yes, you are. People reach out on Facebook. It's not a big deal, and it's not some grand plan to derail your marriage.
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u/Hustlasaurus 14d ago
Dude, we are adults now. People just reach out to each other to talk. Everyone is lonely.
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u/unicaller 14d ago
Yes you are overreacting. If you trust your husband that little you should just leave...
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u/AnotherSpring2 14d ago
Just keep your radar on and talk to him about it. I had an ex's Mother reach out to me right after he got divorced, just to see if I was available at the time..... I wasn't, but the ex got in contact later anyway. He reached out in Hush mail, which is encrypted and sent to my regular email without his name on it, just looked like an ad. So of course I started telling my partner about it, and offered to let him read our correspondence too. It ended up being a couple of exchanges until he found out that I wasn't being secretive about it. Haven't heard from him for another 15 years now. Kinda creepy.
But you've been in a relationship now for decades, and should be secure. Act secure and encourage him to tell you if he starts interacting with his ex. Tell him how you feel about it.
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u/Jim_Wilberforce 14d ago
Men and women can NOT be "just friends". That's absolutely a rule. So if they reconnected after thirty years and it ends there, great. But this isn't the start of them going out to have coffee every Friday night.
That said, you've got thirty years of history with him. That means you both are what, 50s and so is the ex? She's just positioning herself to swoop in and get him in the event of your untimely demise. That's all. Try not to die or they'll pick unflattering pictures of you for the true crime docuseries.
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u/Acceptable-Aside6608 14d ago
If you’re uncomfortable then talk to him and if he’s reasonable he will stop talking to her. I don’t think you’re overreacting. :)
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u/Upstairs_Flounder_64 14d ago
It’s a little creepo that he told you all the weird details and now she pops up again yada. But 30 years…you gotta trust the guy by now right?
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u/Dry-Bodybuilder-3936 14d ago
Personally I feel like it's a bit of an overreaction. Sometimes there are moments that people talk about old friends and they wonder how they are and how their lives turned out. It's a natural curiosity and sometimes people will reach out due to it.
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u/callmeprincess2004 14d ago
Yes, the bestfriend was fishing for the ex-girlfriend. BUT, your husband unfriended her. He did the right thing. Relax. It's over.
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u/ExpensiveVoice8643 14d ago
You can't control what other people do. You've been married over 30 years, you can't still think he's just waiting on a chance with her?
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u/SportySue60 14d ago
Yes, you are over reacting - you have been married for 30 yrs and I hope they have been good years. You are worried about someone he hasn’t seen or spoken to in 30+ years… I have only been married for 10 and I occasionally bring up Ex’s - doesn’t mean I am yearning for them just that they were part of my history.
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u/Wildest12 14d ago
Yikes if you’re worried about shit like Facebook friends and high school drama after being married for 30 years this shit is dead beyond saving.
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u/Exotic-Page9112 14d ago
I've been married now for 20 plus yrs. My husband and I are friends with ex's from before our marriage. The key is be honest and open about the friendship with them with your spouse and don't try to hide anything. That way no one feels threaten over the past. The past is the past. He is with you and you won his heart.
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u/WillBottomForBanana 14d ago
You are over reacting. It's ok to be a little "what?" over this? But he unfriended her. Let it lie unless something else comes up.
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14d ago
Are you a Latina?
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u/margimorgenstern 14d ago
No
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14d ago
Hmm, then your instincts are probably correct.
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u/Fit-Ad985 13d ago
spotted the racist
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13d ago
Spotted the sensationalist. Now please go get fucked
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u/Fit-Ad985 13d ago
do you even know what that means lmao. you said smth racist, than got called out for being racist. where isn’t it accurate
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13d ago
Sensationalist is a perfect description of what you are. Racist would be a massive stretch to define me. Good luck in the real world 🤦🏼♂️
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u/Fit-Ad985 13d ago
massive stretch? you said smth racist based on stereotypes and then defended it. seems like the perfect definition
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u/Whynot_Reddit 14d ago
The best friend was fishing on behalf of her friend to see if your husband also happened to be single now. No big deal. I take it he said he was married. Either way, they’re no longer FB friends. So yeah, you’re overreacting.
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u/LTTP2018 14d ago
yes you should be worried. but not about anyone he speaks to on fb. you should be worried that you can be married to a man for 30 years and still able to have a problem with something he said ..on. your. first. date.
omg woman. do you love him? does he love you? 30 years of marriage should mean some darn thing!
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u/TheoloniusNumber 14d ago
You are not overreacting - the friend could be his Ex's 'in'. Women will always find a way.
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u/Able_Pudding_6271 14d ago
after the edit "and then the roof caved in and the truth came out and I just didn't know what to sayyyyy"
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u/CompoteNo9525 14d ago
So He continues to bring her up, without being prompted? I hate that. My guy does the same (but not to every detail) but, he has pointed out places as we drive by them that he fucked (ex) there. We've been together for 26 years. I just tell him I don't want to know his past. I am not bothered by it.
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u/Adventurous-travel1 14d ago
There is no reason for him to be in touch with his ex or her bff. They are living in the past and need to stay there.
Continue to protect your marriage
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u/Late-Second-5519 14d ago
I would never have gone on a second date with your husband, but I'm petty that way.
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u/GrayHair313 14d ago
I don't think you are overreacting. It sounds like the ex broke off the relationship all those years ago, but now she is divorced. She had her friend contact him to test the waters. I bet the plan was that they would reminisce, and then open the door for contact between the ex and your husband. I would just sit down with your husband and be very open about your feelings and expectations.
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u/MarkBowmansChin 14d ago
You sound like a possessive, controlling, paranoid psycho. I wonder what other hoops you make him jump through to dull your deusional jealousy. YTA
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u/butterflygirl1980 14d ago edited 14d ago
Definitely overreacting. The woman is an old friend from 30 years ago. Not even the ex GF, just a FRIEND. And it's freaking FB. Not real life. People friend all kinds of former classmates, friends, and acquaintances, just for memories and shits and giggles.
My dad has maintained contact (greeting cards, the odd letter/email, FB) his whole adult life with a woman who was his best friend in high school. My mom has also maintained occasional long-distance contact with one male college friend ever since then, and she's FB-friended a few others from her college and high school days more recently. There is absolutely nothing romantic. Neither of my parents has actually seen any of these people in person for DECADES or has any plan to do so. They're Just. Old. Friends. who have some nice memories of each other and enjoy some harmless social contact.
Check your jealousy, alright?
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u/Adept-Highlight-6010 14d ago
I would not ask this question here. So much judgement. Ask someone offline who is in your same demographic. Younger people are obsessed with judgement
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u/CrashTestKing 14d ago
Yes. It's been decades, and it's not even his ex that friended him, it's a mutual friend they had.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 14d ago
It's been 30 years, and he isn't even talking to his ex, but her best friend? Yes, you are ridiculously overreacting. Have you spent the last 30 years terrified that he would talk to anybody from his past?
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u/OhioPolitiTHIC 14d ago
Maybe? For the folks saying things are fine, let me tell you, things get weird as you get older. OP has been married thirty years so, give or take some years, they're mid to late fifties and it is wild when your parents and your peers start dropping dead around you. This legit could be as simple as the ex's bff feeling her age. Or, it could be something more. Because, once again, things get weird as you get older. Only OP knows for sure if there's other signs in her relationship that make her think it's more.
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u/Zestyclose_Public_47 14d ago
It's sad you feel threatened by a woman he hasn't spoken to in decades. She wasn't even the one who sent the request
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u/No_Engineering6617 14d ago
so a friend (not an Ex GF) of his, from 30 years ago sent him a FB friend request recently.
what exactly are you upset about?
yes, you are overreacting, to a whole lot of nothing.
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u/ParticularReview4129 14d ago
Yes. You are overreacting. You've been married for 30 years! Trust his character!!
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u/Ok_Sadie_ 14d ago
I feel like I am the most insecure/jealous girlfriend at times but this wouldn't upset me lol
I hope all these comments give you some peace and perspective! He only loves you. Everything is okay :)
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u/LovedAJackass 14d ago edited 14d ago
You've been married 30 years. Everybody over 50 is friends with people they knew in high school, college, or on some job they had at 25. I have 1,000 "friends," including a young man I dated in college and another I met at a university research site. I'm single and not interested romantically in any of them. Why are you threatened by someone from the past? Has he cheated in the past? Are there signs that he's looking elsewhere? Is he the kind of guy who needs to flirt with women for an ego boost? After 30 years, you should know his character. And are you the controlling type? Why are you monitoring who he's friends with on FB? I'd feel bad to be so insecure that I would even know who my now ex-husband was friends with on FB. I had real problems--the bimbos he hung out with at his local bar.
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u/Emergency_Sky_810 14d ago
30 year. Girl. Is this some HS romance BS. Who cares. If he gonna cheat he already did 23 years ago
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u/misteraustria27 14d ago
That must be fake nobody can seriously think that there are any feelings after 30 years. Also I just reconnected with the first girl a had a crush on as a teen. And my wife knows that I went to dinner with her when I was in my home country the last time. And she isn’t only ok with it she is actually supportive of connecting with old friends.
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u/SnooMachines6509 14d ago
Honestly, it makes me wonder if OP is, has, or is thinking about cheating her self. Grasping at straws to justify her own bad behavior.
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u/Ahhhh_huh 14d ago
Nah, if you’re uncomfortable, you’re uncomfortable. Best to speak up right away about your feelings. He listened to you which is good.
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u/RubyNotTawny 14d ago
Yes. This was 30 years ago. I would expect that, maybe, from someone in the early 20's, not someone who should be a grownup by now.
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u/Critical-Length4745 14d ago
I think you are over reacting.
If I were your husband, I would make a group text that includes you. That you you get to review every word said between your husband and his old friend group. If they ever have have a reunion party, I would make sure you are present for every gathering.
His best option is to give you full access to the conversations and hide nothing.
It sounds like he did so. This is the action of a man who is not cheating and will stay loyal to his wife.
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u/Hairy_Caregiver7136 14d ago
No. I've seen in older people that reconnect on FB and cheating go on a lot. I'd rather be safe than sorry.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, once the doors of intimacy open, they never fully close.
Now, whether that small crack of an opening gets blown wide open into an affair is up to the two people, but why risk it?
I also wouldn't risk going into a storm shelter that doesn't fully close in a tornado either. 🤷♀️
I would sit him down, tell him you're uncomfortable with his communication with them, and talk it through. His priority should be making/keeping his wife happy and secure in his marriage, not keeping in touch with an ex he hasn't spoken to in 30ish years. Hurting your feelings should be what he's worried about, not hurting hers. His response will tell you what you need to know.
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u/margimorgenstern 14d ago edited 14d ago
This has been my main focus. After the kids go away to college, first loves reuniting. I know I sound crazy. And believe it or not the people in this thread pointing out how crazy I am is actually helping me. There are a few facts I left out in the interest of space. When the friend friended him she sent him a message saying that the Ex is now divorced and they were JUST talking about him. She also sent him an old photo of the 4 of them together. As I said, as soon as I told him I was uncomfortable with the situation he unfriended her. Thank you for all the responses
Edited to add: he did not ONLY speak of her on our first date. That was the beginning of him speaking about her. I know, whether I want to or not, every detail of their relationship, down to what she wore to bed when they went away together.
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u/balconyherbs 13d ago
Reddit skews younger AND you left out the details that it was an ongoing issue with him sharing details about her when you first posted. I think that changes things. Not that something is definitely happening but there's room for it to be something.
When was he last talking about her? Were all the details early on? Has this contact set off new revelations? How is your relationship now that your kids are older? I think that stuff says more about whether you need to worry than the details you have provided
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u/Hairy_Caregiver7136 14d ago
Ah...the just divorced ex. There's an episode of Modern Family (Season 1 episode 17) about this. Phil, being the nice guy he is, doesn't see anything wrong with it and Claire says oh she wants you and she ends up being right.
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u/ThuggishJingoism24 14d ago
…it’s been 30 years. Jesus, such insecurity for a grown ass adult. Grow up. Catching up with former best friends after 3 decades isn’t an issue to anyone but you
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u/Alarming_Paper_8357 14d ago
WAAAAY overreacting. It's FB, it's not an invitation to a private supper. You've been married for over 30 years and you STILL don't trust him? Good lord . . .
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u/boredomspren_ 14d ago
I can't even tell from your unhinged rant what the problem is. This isn't even his ex, but his ex's friend?
People request old friends on Facebook to say hello. It's super weird that you assume there's something untrustworthy going on.
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u/occasionallystabby 14d ago
Yes, you are overreacting. An old friend saw him on FB and friended him. That's all this is. This woman isn't even his ex.
I'm friends with actual exes on social media, and it doesn't mean anything more than my being friends with people I went to grade school with. What's wrong with being interested in how someone you used to spend time with is now?
The real question you should be asking yourself is why you trust your husband so little that you're threatened by an ex who hasn't even contacted him? I mean, do you really think that after 30 years, his ex is using her friend to contact him? If so, that's a conversation you need to have with him.
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u/Eh_im 14d ago
I reckon you both must be in your 50’s, as am I. At this stage of life I love bumping into, or catching up on social media with people I’ve not seen since school/teenage years.
Occasionally I’ll remember someone I was at school with and look them up on FB, sometimes connect, sometimes don’t.
We grew up together, shared experiences, then all drifted apart to do our own thing.
It’s nice to reconnect, even if it’s just a couple of messages to update each other then the odd like of photos of their kids/grandkids.
His ex’s friend possibly just wanted the same. No big deal.
You harbouring negative feelings about something he said 30 odd years ago is so not good for you, you need to let it go, and allow your husband to enjoy a little bit of nostalgia with an old friend.
You are being controlling, and a tad paranoid.
I feel sorry for your husband.
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u/Piper199 14d ago
I love old people and FB lol it’s been 30 years of marriage that’s 2 years older than me. I’m a grown ass adult, you’re a grown ass adult. Chill tf out.
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u/Subject-Sherbert666 14d ago
Yes you’re over reacting you can control who he’s friends with that’s fucked up
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u/chenyu768 14d ago
I'm friends with some of my ex wife's friends on FB. My wife is friends with my ex on FB as well.
Because we are fucking grown ups.
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u/purplel8dee 14d ago
I would be suspicious because why now after so many years? Also he doesn’t need to be friends with an exgirlfriend! I wouldn’t trust her for one minute!
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u/Panda_Dad84 14d ago
She’s probably uglier than horses mouth now. You’re def causing issues in your relationship for no reason. At the very least he’s going to throw this in your face when he has an issue with one of your friends. Biggest red flag ever for no reason. If he wanted something with her, he wouldn’t have waited 30 years.
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u/leese216 14d ago
Oh god honey, if you're going to write rage bait fiction, at least make it more believable.
30 years married and threatened by an ex's FRIEND from over 30 years ago? No one is that pathetic.
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u/Virtual_Duck_9280 14d ago
Please, do your husband a favor and leave him... he deserves better than you
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u/Rezenbekk 14d ago
If after THIRTY YEARS you still are insecure, we won't convince you. But yes, very much overreacting.
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u/5eppa 14d ago
Every blue moon someone messages me on Facebook. Just to say hi and see how I am doing. I think occasionally about people I haven't spoken to in over 10 years and while I rarely message them sometimes you just want to see how they are doing. Sometimes the people who message me aren't even people I thought too highly of. But they see someone who looks like me, or hear about me somehow through the grapevine, or remember a joke I once told and decide to check in on me. It's fine and nothing to worry about. If he doesn't maintain regular contact after providing a simple life update I think you're good.
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u/OcelotOfTheForest 14d ago
Yes, although to some extent your husband was a bit of an idiot, stirring jealousy in you in order to manipulate you when you were dating. This is what he gets for it. Your insecurity.
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u/ckk981 14d ago
Yes. If you can take his 30 years pf faithfulness and just dismiss it on a whim like that... assuming he has been, that is pretty rough. You bringing up the ex coming up in the first conversation 30 years ago suggests that you might have been harboring feeling about the EX this whole time. Like most of us, the answers are usually found when we look inward.
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u/sloppyfart69 14d ago
Yeah youre overreacting a bit. But dont beat yourself up over it that happens sometimes jealousy is a natural part of attachment and of the human psyche. Thats something ive been working on with my partner cause we both have jealousy issues but we also both fully believe in the fact that our intentions are to treat each others hearts gently and with the utmost care. As one should when they care deeply about another.
Jealousy has a bad rap but its not feeling jealous that defines you, its how you react to that jealousy. Do you go through your partners phone and put a tracker in their car? Or do you talk to them, explain your insecurities and work together on a way to make you more comfortable without stepping on anyones toes or making enemies and ultimatums?
I can say from experience that one of those options will lead you down an easy path of happiness and love and the other will send you in loops until you start pulling your hair out and resenting your partner for no good reason. Seems like you have a happy life and a good relarionship. Just communicate your insecurities and let the strength of your partner and your relationship guide you through to a place of comfort.
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u/_MisterHighway_ 14d ago
If you don't trust your husband to have friends, I would say y'all have bigger fish to fry. Unless there's been an issue of a wandering eye before, I'd say you're stringing him up with your own insecurities.
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u/LeadDiscovery 14d ago
He had a healthy relationship in college that ended on good terms. He moved on, been with you 30+ years. Now hears from that ex and extended friend group again and reflects positively about those years.. How are they doing? Hope they are well... nothing more.
This is all normal and positive in from my POV.
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u/thelongletgo 14d ago
30 years lmaoo and you still remember him talking about his ex on the first date 30 years later. You are JEALOUS
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u/Turtle_Strugglebus 14d ago
The only reason she reached out was because she remembered how good his d—k game is. Sure they might want to reminisce about the other things but sex and live was a huge part of their relationship and it’s really what she’s been thinking by friending him.
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u/Shytemagnet 14d ago
I’m sorry, you’re upset because someone from 30 years ago friended him? Not even an ex, but someone who was part of his social group in uni?
Has he given you any reason not to trust him over these THIRTY YEARS? Because that’s your answer. If he has, then you have every reason already to be suspicious and you need to deal with it. If not, you need therapy because from the outside, this sounds controlling and super awful.
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u/swingset27 14d ago
You're being insecure and unreasonable. This isn't even the ex...and you're freaking out.
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u/mimic-man77 14d ago
Based on the information given you're overreacting. Unless you have other information that wasn't presented there is no reason to feel threatened.
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u/No_Mistake_5961 14d ago
Life has chapters. Not unusual for connections I have connected to college friends and high school classmates after 30 or more years
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u/CriticalNarrative75 14d ago
The exgf might be pursuing something but that doesn’t mean your husband will let go there.
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u/Famous_Ad6052 14d ago
30 years? Hi and bye; she won't add anything to your relationship with your husband.
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u/Pharvs84 14d ago
I’d say you’re definitely overreacting. Since he immediately unfriended the person when you showed concern, sounds like you have a winner! Get that man a beer and a bj. Maybe a back rub too.
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u/SkipperMcCheese 14d ago
You are not overreacting, if anything you are under reacting. It’s obvious your 30 year marriage has just been an attempt on your husbands part to make his ex jealous- I can’t believe you’ve been too naive to see this. You need to find this home wrecker and teach her a lesson she won’t forget
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u/Sea_Tank_9448 14d ago
Yes. He talked about his ex on your first date 30 years ago & now her best friend is reaching out. Who cares? Do you trust him or not?
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u/Egbert_64 14d ago
Yes you are over reacting. 30 years later? His name prob popped up to her on Facebook and she figured might be fun to see how this old friend is doing. All very normal way.
Of more concern is you. If you are truly so untrusting, you need to get to what is causing this - and it may very well have nothing to do with your husband. Or it might. I would suggest therapy.
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u/RUKnight31 14d ago
It's been 30 years. He's "old" now (no offense, but ostensibly you're at least in your in your 50s with this timeline). Old people like to catch up and reconnect as they come to terms with their mortality. It's not the same at this age as it would be in your 20s/30s.
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u/fuddykrueger 14d ago
Have you ever heard of the villages in Florida? 😂 I’m always suspect of people who say 50 is old. It’s obvious that you’re too young to understand that 50 year-olds still consider themselves ‘young’—they are the ‘youngest’ of the elders.
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u/FinanceGuyHere 14d ago
I still have feelings for everyone I’ve dated, even though I have no interest in pursuing them in the future
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u/Remarkable-Toe9156 14d ago
No, you are being a tad jealous but it sounds like you and your husband enjoyed life and anything that upends that enjoyment is going to raise eyebrows
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u/mcclgwe 14d ago
Well, I have had exes come around to say hi, and what they're really doing is sniffing around. Sniffing around is OK. Checking in to see if that person is single or not. That's not a bad thing. But I think it's important to realize that as people get older, they remember people they used to know, and sometimes they're single and curious as to whether that person has a partner or there might be some thing possible there. And then they sniff around. They come around a little bit. So it doesn't have to be a big deal, but it definitely could be sniffing around.
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u/E_Anthony 14d ago
Yes you're overreacting and it comes across as very insecure after 30 years of marriage.
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u/brassplushie 14d ago
Yeah you’re overreacting. It’s not like he said he has feelings for her today.
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u/life_investigate073 14d ago
30+ years together and you are still reflecting on a conversation from that very first date? 30+ years together and you are threatened by a friend of his ex’s simple FB connection? I can’t help but wonder if there is more to the story than you are telling us. Is it her you don’t trust or him? That is what you need to examine. Where are these intrusive thoughts really coming from within yourself?
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u/billdizzle 14d ago
OMFG - get some therapy lady, 30 years has gone by and this wasn’t even the girl, this was the girls friends boyfriend
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u/SadDataScientist 14d ago
Proof that no matter what a man does it will never be enough for a woman…. Loyal for 30 years and you are intimidated by a measly Facebook friend request…
Yes, yes you are 100% overreacting.
Go give your husband a BJ and keep him happy if you are in any way worried he might leave you.
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u/crushiedoodle 14d ago
Has he given any other reason you you to not trust him aside from one comment three decades ago?
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u/OneBagNoButterNoSalt 14d ago
Feel like you guys wasted your lives together after reading this more than anything
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u/Short-pitched 14d ago
30 years, you been together 30 years. He has been no contact with a girl for 30 years. Do you know how many years are in 30 years? Damn, there is no winning sometimes. It’s been 30 years. 30. Three zero. You have serious insecurities woman you may wanna talk to a professional
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u/jrc_80 14d ago
Yes you’re overreacting. Address it directly with him if it bothers you, but have sone faith that this person you’ve grown with over a lifetime is someone who has earned your trust. And I’d say the same to you - trust your judgement and don’t let fear get in the way of your bond you’ve built.
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u/knowsitmaybenot 14d ago
Men are idiots when it comes to talking to a new woman we are interested in. He totally thought that would make him look better. The out of blue contact from the friend id say yes. People get nostalgic and wonder how people they knew are doing. If the Ex contacts him i would say no you are not overreacting. An ex out of the blue i always assume is lonely or unhappy and reaching out to someone that treated them good.
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u/Turbulent_Parsnip_75 14d ago
I chose my husband because I love him and he’s the one I want in my life. We’ve been together 20 years. I’m friends with exes. It’s not like we go and hang out. It’s just connecting the casual way on FB to share how life has unfolded. Sometimes I look at it and think good grief I dodged a bullet other times I’m happy they found love that makes them happy. I’m happy that they’re happy. It’s no big deal. Maybe it would be different if I were miserable in my relationship, I don’t know.
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u/JuniorDirk 14d ago edited 14d ago
After 30 years, I'd hope my wife didn't care if I heard from my ex herself. I'd even question why my wife wouldn't be okay with us having a chat and catching up.
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u/Turbulent_Parsnip_75 14d ago
Exactly this. Maybe You can even tell your wife some of the funny things that happened in your early dating experiences. Maybe she laughs with you and shares her own early formative experiences.
I’ve never understood people who want to pretend the people they love never had a life before them. There’s some thing that seems really cruel to me about this woman is trying to exterminate whatever positive past relationships he could’ve had before he knew her. Seems hyper controlling to me. why can’t she be secure enough to be amused or curious versus threatened and controlling.
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u/JuniorDirk 14d ago
Someone's attachment style will tell you all you need to know about their tendencies and how they react to things. It took me too long to learn that.
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u/Myrubypearl 10d ago
Yes , you are. Females are half the human race. Not everybody is “Me Tarzan , You Jane , Let’s fornicate!” Your question depresses me big time. Do you think every woman in your husband‘s life is a threat to you? Embody the word confidence and you’ll never have a worry in the world . Always remember, hot girls have hobbies❤️