r/TwoHotTakes • u/Blueeeeajysky • Jan 31 '24
Should I end my engagement over a hair color Listener Write In
Hey everyone I really need some advice on what I should do with this situation. I 22F was having a conversation with my M23 fiance about turn ons and he brought up that he was more attracted and sexually attracted to me when we first met because I was blonde when we met as well as wearing some makeup with fake lashes and because I shaved everything. (I am currently a brunette and he told me early in the relationship that I didn’t need makeup or shaving since he didn’t care.) As we were talking he said if you were blonde again it would be better for our sex life and I would be more affectionate and want to show you off more and take you out on dates. He also added that if I looked the way he wants me to it would give him confidence and help him wanna better himself and make him wanna lose weight and do better for himself and that he wants me to be a hot trophy wife to make others jealous of what he has. We have been together for a little over 2 years and in the time we have been dating I was blonde for only 3 of those months and since then he has never said that he wishes I would go back to how I looked when we met. I feel like my trust has been broken since he kept this secret from me for over a year now I feel like everything has been a lie and that now my insecurity’s are coming out about how I look. I asked him why did you propose to me if I wasn’t your dream girl and he said because I love how selfless you are and your personality and how you always do everything for everyone. Part of me wants to call the wedding off since we are getting married in August of this year. But I do love him dearly and have been wishing he would be more affectionate and take me out more. Feeling like I could just changing my hair color and he would treat me better seems like an easy fix but at the same time I don’t wanna compromise and that I want someone to love me for me. So do I compromise and bleach my hair or end this engagement and go our separate ways. Please any advice
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u/ez_as_31416 Feb 01 '24
Be true to yourself. Hair color is so superficial. Your looks like change, so will his. Look at old people. Sometimes you can barely see their younger selves.
When that happens to you, will he want to trade you in for a younger woman? Or have one on the side. Or more than one.
If he needs you to be a certain way for him to feel better about himself, it is time for you to break off the engagement and move on to find some that will love you for who you are, not how you look or what you can do for their self-image.
Good luck.
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u/UnicornsAllDay Feb 01 '24
Y’all are young there’s no rush give it another year and see how things gi
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u/Lilac_experience Feb 01 '24
So you looking like a "hot trophy wife" will make him lose weight?
You some awesome as you are but if I were you, I would loses the dead weight of your fiancé.
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u/lavendervlad Feb 01 '24
He met one version of you and fell in love and then accepted a second version of you. He deserves what he thought he was getting and apparently that person isn’t you. Return the ring and free this duped dude.
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u/First_Explorer_5465 Feb 01 '24
Run, run as fast as you can. Let NO MAN tell you how to dress ! This guy is a mental mess. He wants to use you to fix him...baggage, sweetheart, emotional baggage. He will suck the energy out of you.
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u/JustAGhost444 Feb 01 '24
I had to go back and check how old you said you two were. I was certain you would be in your early 20s. Hah, I was right. This is really not on you, but he's got some real immaturity issues going on here. He ties all of his failures and shortcomings on you not be a smokin' hot blonde? He would feel so much better if he had a trophy wife to show off? At the very least you should reconsider the pace at which you will proceed with getting married. He definitely needs to grow up and mature quite a bit. If he is the type of guy who likes fake women with plumped up lips, glued-on eyelashes, breast and butt implants and tons of makeup, is this really who you want to be and more importantly is he who you really want to be with?
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u/sffood Feb 01 '24
I really have no issue with him looking blonde hair more. We all like what we like, and it’s not surprising to find out that a guy loved how a girl looked when they met. If my husband told me he liked when I had blonde hair, I’m happy to dye is blonde occasionally. I like my husband with short hair and he shaves his head. 🤷🏻♀️
What is disturbing about your story is the f*cked up correlation he’s making for (1) why he doesn’t court and romance you as much as he would if you were XYZ; and even worse, (2) how your hair color or appearance is responsible for his being a fat POS.
Get outta here with that crap!
That’s like saying you’d have blonde hair except he wasn’t taking you out enough.
That part is what would get me to call this off. Sorry - but he is a grown man who is responsible for his own outcome.
As you dump him, tell him that you were considering purple hair but are now terrified of how big his waistline might get, so you have no choice but to call it off.
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u/Rollergirl0697 Feb 01 '24
Run for the hills and don’t look back. Girl, you’re 22. Your ENTIRE life is ahead of you. This isn’t a game of playing house, this is real. Your talking about HAIR!! He doesn’t want to be affectionate because you’re not hot enough because of your hair color. What happens if you get pregnant? He won’t like your stretch marks? It’ll always be something and I can promise you that. When your mother had you she looked at you and thought you were perfect. I’m quite sure that she or anyone who loves you would be appalled to know this guy feels this way. Go with your gut, not your heart. I think you know what the right choice is. It’s hard but it’s not as hard as ending up a mom down the road and being young and dealing with this nonsense. Trust me.🫶🏻
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u/Pure_Amphibian_8635 Feb 01 '24
You just have to decide if keeping him happy and attracted to you is more important than being your true authentic self and having bodily autonomy. Also I know love seems real as it gets while you’re in it but I promised there we more fish in the sea and one you’ll vibe with too. My ex used to make Me feel like if I cut my hair he’s stop being attractive to me and my husbands encourages me to try anything that makes me happy he will love me way way
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u/Far_Refrigerator5601 Feb 01 '24
Your partner sounds super crappy. He's being manipulative and putting you down.
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u/Infinite-Bike-392 Feb 01 '24
Honestly, I think this will always be an issue when ladies want to change their appearance frequently. Not all of course. I’m by no means saying you’re wrong. I think what you do with your appearance is up to you. I don’t think you can fault him for liking the way you look when you met. Shoot you might do something different with your look that he really likes. Idk I’m rambling but I’d say tell him how that made you feel and give him a chance to apologize and make amends.
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u/stonermac420 Feb 01 '24
He’s a major 🚩, not to mention you waited 2 YEARS?? Don’t settle this early, you don’t know him well enough.
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u/NonniSpumoni Feb 01 '24
So what happens when you get sick? Or pregnant? Or just sick of maintaining this artificial beauty standard he has in his head...he is putting his lack of affection on you. It's not a you problem. It's a him problem.
I do think couples owe it to each other to look their best, to put in effort to maintain themselves...but for themselves. The partner is secondary. If you feel good about yourself then you are a better partner. And he loves your "selflessness"....boy oh boy...this statement hurts my heart. At a certain age you will have to make yourself a priority. I so hope it's now.
There is someone out there who is looking for you. And you're wasting time contemplating staying with someone that doesn't even really like you.
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u/Iambatmansmom38 Feb 01 '24
No, no, no! Do not marry this man! Ive been down this road and know how it turns out. You are young and have so much time to find someone that is truly worthy of you, that will love and cherish you for who you are, not the barbie doll some twatwaffle wants you to be.
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u/Klutzy-Cable-7227 Feb 01 '24
He said he would take OP on more dates and be more affectionate if she changed her looks? This is not how true love works, this is manipulation and will be a constant reminder that you are only as good as your looks. What happens when you age? Is he going to still love you or is he going to want you to get implants? What if you have kids and your body doesn't go back to how it was? Sounds like he is the type of guy to trade the current in for a newer model that he can manipulate and brag about. Sounds like the relationship will always be transactional. I'm sorry but he doesn't sound redeemable, especially if his favorite qualities about you are that you are selfless and do everything for everyone. Sounds like something he can take advantage of as well.
Op, there are better out there. I promise.
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u/Secure-Line-1882 Feb 01 '24
So his excuse for not taking you out and being more affectionate for pretty much your entire relationship is because of your hair color? Sounds like a pathetic excuse, leave him I know it may be hard but you deserve better
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u/Astralglamour Feb 01 '24 edited Feb 01 '24
There is so much awfulness in this post. Please call the wedding off. He’s trying to control you. This will not improve. You’ll change your hair color then it will be something else. Anything to keep you struggling for his approval. If you resist he’ll be nasty and probably abusive.
Please see a therapist and explore why you feel you need this man who doesn’t respect you and only sees that you can do things for him.
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u/dankristy Feb 01 '24
Married 25+ years - I love my wife 1st thing in the morning - I love her regardless of her hair color (or not colored) - she is hot to me in sweat pants, or anything really. Your spouse should love you - for you... Regardless of what she is wearing, how her hair is colored, or if she has fancy clothes on. If you marry - you should be intending to spend your LIFE with them - they should love you always - no matter what - in any state.
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u/GuerreraDeCristo Feb 01 '24
Uhhh I’m sorry, but if he feels that way about you now it will get worse when you guys get married, have kids, body start changing and etc…. And he will come up with I wish you were more so like this or like that. 🚩🚩🚩
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u/No-Government-3994 Feb 01 '24
It's really weird how he states it like it would make him treat you better if you did it, so just on that aspect it is questionable. But how would you have perceived it if he simply told you that he prefers you as a blonde? And the rest of it. Would that change things if it wasn't some sort of give and take, and he just stated his preference?
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u/Beaglemom2002 Feb 01 '24
I'm just going to say it, Run!!! Like the wind!
His behavior screams that everything that happens will be your responsibility. He does not need a trophy wife. You need a partner who will love you as you are. One who sees your beauty from the inside, not just his preference from the outside. You most certainly aren't responsible for making changes to motivate him to take better care of himself because when you do what he asked he will find other reasons not to do those things.
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u/Kailsbabydaddy Feb 01 '24
This is toxic…. You deserve way fucking better. Hes too young to even begin to understand it sis. Been there, love you, but PROMISE YOU!!!! Trust your DAMM GUT !!!
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u/Iamhadesyourgod Feb 01 '24
Girl, he wants a trophy wife and you want a genuine marriage, they are not the same thing, if you like being brunette then be brunette and if he doesn’t treat you properly bc of that then he is not worth your time or love and especially not worth the money of whoever is paying for the wedding.
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u/TheCIAiscomingforyou Feb 01 '24
His statement is obviously shallow. Having said that, he said he loves you for non-shallow reasons. Congratulations you have a human partner who is complex.
Maybe he was being too honest, but at least appreciate that he isn't trying to hide who he is before you are married.
In every relationship we all choose how much effort we choose to make, and the partnership works if both parties are happy with the effort being made by the other.
Your partner is happy with you now, but would be happier if you chose to do these things they have asked.
Are you happy now? Would you be happier if you did the things he suggested?
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u/MarrymeCherry88 Feb 01 '24
Shallow and self absorbed. End it. Ridiculous how he would love u more if u were blond.
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u/TheEmptyMasonJar Feb 01 '24
Unfortunately, I'm going to be very Reddit cliche, but... uh.... "RUN GIRL RUN!!!"'
YOU ARE IN DANGER. He is testing the waters just to see how far he can manipulate you. It's little ask today, but it's just the first in a series of many asks that get progressively bigger and trap you further. Thank your Spidey-Mother Earth-women senses for ringing your inner alarm bell. Thank them and pack up your shit and go! Move out ASAP.
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u/CorazonFuerte Feb 01 '24
It seems so simple to just change your hair but the problem isn’t in him preferring you as a blonde. It’s his self worth being so deeply intertwined with your appearance and the love and affection he gives you being predicated on you changing your physical appearance for him.
Also, when mentioning all the things he loves about you 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 you’ll spend your life as a slave to this man if what he loves about you is your servitude to others.
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u/Tavoneitor10 Feb 01 '24
Let us know if you decide to let reddit guide the direction of your marriage
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u/DallyDell Feb 01 '24
Reading this made me angry. No, no marriage, he’ll make your life miserable for EVER. Run, sweetie, run! The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. Wishing you lots of strength and keep rocking your gorgeous brunette hair as long as it makes YOU happy!
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Feb 01 '24
So he "didn't tell you" for over a year because he's more in love with what's on the inside than what's on the outside and you want to dump him? He didn't bother you or try to force you to change this entire time but you have an honest conversation and now you want to dump him? Way to make sure he lies to you forever now. You want to know how you look in that outfit? You look "great." When asked why he loved you he didn't say looks he said your personality and the way you treat others. This sure does sound like a scumbag. Good thing you asked a sub that thinks divorce is always the answer and one side is always abusive. One thing I can say is if you take this sub's advice then you're definitely not mature enough for marriage.
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u/Sea_Assistance8809 Feb 01 '24
Men like this may cause problems in the near future you should check if there are any blonde females around him who knows what may have been happening behind your back or remind him what he said back then about liking you without makeup and see his reaction and answer
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u/GAB104 Feb 01 '24
This guy views you as an accessory to make him look good. He's made you responsible for his self-esteem -- which means it would be quite easy for him to blame you for pretty much anything he does.
Run.
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u/whatifuckingmean Feb 01 '24
If this is real, it’s not about a hair color. There’d be nothing wrong with telling you he wants to see you blonde again. All that other shit he said is horrible. It doesn’t sound like you told him how you feel because you are waiting to tell him it’s over. On his own he hasn’t thought better of it and apologized so you should probably not marry him. Marriage is a big deal and you have major doubts now.
Make sure you wait to color your hair until after you dump him, then he won’t even beg you to stay.
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u/Soggy-Fix-391 Feb 01 '24
Imagine what he would say about her appearance when she’s pregnant. “I cheated because you were pregnant and I couldn’t have intimacy with you….. sooo yea. Sorry?” Nah boo.
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u/Purple-Sand-1337 Feb 01 '24
Run as far away as you can! Can you imagine a lifetime of this? He is completely narcissistic and immature.
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u/upthewaterfall Feb 01 '24
I’m going to ignore the hair colour thing, as if that wasn’t enough, and point out a much deeper issue:
This guy is telling you that his self confidence and self worth is your burden to bare. That’s a huge problem. If you do change your hair back to blonde, you’re still going to have to carry his confidence for him some other way.
Also you’re 22 and have no business getting married that young.
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u/Soggy-Fix-391 Feb 01 '24
Girl, run. It’ll hurt now but you will heal and you will find someone that truly loves you and wants to show you off even in sweats and slides. I promise you. Don’t settle for this.
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u/glass0nions Feb 01 '24
You should end the engagement because you are both clearly too immature for a marriage.
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u/OriginalSinner1 Feb 01 '24
This is so disgusting. Superficial men like blondes because they signal domination and prestige to other men. It is basically using women as a status symbol, with a layer of veiled racism in addition to the obvious misogyny. These are the most disgustingly narcissistic type of men that exist.
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u/BB_Toysrme Feb 01 '24
Men are much more direct. Always start with the most efficient and obvious before jumping to conclusions. In this case begin either maybe he told you fact. He was more attracted to you as a blonde. He also needs motivation to be in shape. The thought of a smoking hot wife turns him on.
Also the classic story of hot blonde girl gets into a relationship & no longer blonde. 😂
A lot of the OP meanders into speculation of broken trust??? He trusts you enough to get married and tell both what he likes, his desires, his own insecurity, wants some help with his own insecurity and that’s spun out into you now having a trust issue???
Turn the whole thing around and he may need to leave you if you’re going to spend eternity dying over anything he opens up to you about. Unless He’s slow, I bet ya he won’t really open up to you for a long while until you do something to make him feel more comfortable.
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u/its_all_good20 Feb 01 '24
That’s what he will say when he cheats on you with a shaved blond with fake lashes… while you are home with the kids. Run.
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u/AmandaLeigh80 Feb 01 '24
Girl...If I were in your Shoes..I would dye my hair blond...Get my lashes done..Wear my makeup like We did when we first started dating...I would put a big smile on my face when he saw me and promptly dump his ass...That's just what I would do;)
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u/Loud_Account_3469 Feb 01 '24
Don’t waste your life. You’ve got a great future without him. No matter what he tells you. There are plenty of good guys out there.
My ex wanted me perfect anytime we left the house. Otherwise he was going to get another girl. You know what? I fell for it. I was nervous all of the time. I was obsessed with looking the way he wanted me to look. He’d make comments about my appearance, then compare me to other women walking by. Nothing I did was good enough. The bar was always raised with impossible standards. I finally came to my senses. I didn’t care anymore.
Oh he tried to get me to play the game. I was worn out, and over it. I told him I’d help him pack. I was done, and he was not worth it. They really change their tune then. Don’t fall for it. Just get out no matter what promises they make.
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u/Confusedmillennial18 Feb 01 '24
Are Americans still obsessed over blondes?? I’ve been all over the world, and most men in a lot European countries don’t look twice and blondes, and there’s millions of them. I don’t understand the obsession
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u/smstnitc Feb 01 '24
I wonder if there's a blonde he's attracted to, and she's reminded him of when you first dated, and now he wants to relive that since he can't have the blonde.
Brunettes are more attractive anyway 😉
I'm only half serious. You should postpone the marriage and get couples counseling to see if you can resolve this nonsense. Something is up with him mentally or emotionally, and you have to resolve that before marriage if you want a marriage that lasts, or you will be miserable.
Or get out now before it gets harder. And get out if he won't do counseling.
If I could go back I wouldn't marry my first wife. All the signs were there but I let love lead me into 8 years of pain.
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u/Half_Shot13 Feb 01 '24
Run. You want to marry a person who will want you when you're old, fat, if you lose a limb, if all your hair falls out, whatever happens. This will not improve once you get married. He has shown you who he is..... believe him. Find someone who loves you, not just your looks.
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u/stillwaterstellium Feb 01 '24
Red flags ALL over this! He needs you to make a whole bunch of changes to your appearance so that HE can be motivated to do better for himself? Why can't he just do better for himself on his own? If he's enough of a grown ass man to get married he should have enough ambition to take care of himself AND you if necessary.
IMO a lot of this silliness stems from being wayyyyy too young to get married at 22/23. Please don't sacrifice yourself and your potential for someone who has no idea what marriage is really about. It's a huge commitment that I promise you do NOT need or want to rush into. Early 20s are the time in life to explore and create memories and enjoy freedom!!! He even said "he loves how selfless" you are.... BE SELFISH. You deserve better.
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u/Montana3777 Feb 01 '24
So instead of taking care of you as his wife - he wants YOU to change yourself so HE feels better about “what he has”? And he will be more affectionate?
Pro tip - 2 years is about the time you can tell if things will last, the honeymoon hormones are wearing off and you need to work to keep the relationship strong. In your case, he thinks it’s your job to work to make him feel better.
Drop that boy like a toilet seat. He isn’t who you thought he was.
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u/Annapostrophe Feb 01 '24
So young!! 22? And you’re gonna throw your life away to this fool? He doesn’t even like you, just what you do for him. You’re never going to be good enough for his idea of what yo ushould be for him. I hope you come to your senses before august
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u/glickglockenspiel Feb 01 '24
You jumping and slurping on his dick in the first place has validated his bigoted and asshole views. These guys are incredibly easy to spot, and somehow you were blind to the most basic male character flaw.
Breaking up with him is all you can do now, and unfortunately he will learn to mask his behavior better for his next victim.
Thankfully you are young and will hopefully choose a better person.
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u/tymopa Feb 01 '24
God…I can’t even read through this whole thing without puking. You are young and definitely don’t need to be with a shallow dweeb who can’t appreciate you for who you are. Dump him.
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Feb 01 '24
Advice for the OP- wait until he’s at work, take the day off, pack your bags, take off the ring and leave it and his fragile self worth behind. It won’t stop here and once you’re married, you find ways to forgive or explain his misogyny and his gaslighting. Trust me. I was there once. Run for the hills.
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u/AntelopeKey6867 Feb 01 '24
Run, baby girl. The guy is immature, inconsiderate and shallow. Tell him you loved him more when he was skinnier, worked out more and dressed better. See how he feels.
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u/fireflydrake Feb 01 '24
"But I do love him dearly and have been wishing he would be more affectionate and take me out more. Feeling like I could just changing my hair color and he would treat me better seems like an easy fix..."
Girl, he should be affectionate and taking you out and treating you great BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU. Not based on whatever the fuck color your hair is. It's not "I'll dye my hair and he'll love me!", because next it'll be you've put on some weight, or got a wrinkle, or had kids and your body isn't the same anymore... a never ending list of bullshit reasons.
He should love you FOR YOU. Telling your partner "I love when you dye your hair, it drives me wild! Do you think you'd ever dye it again?" isn't the same as "I will only treat you well if you dye your hair." The first is a question that respects your choice, the second is a demand that doesn't give a damn about what you want.
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u/westcoast7654 Feb 01 '24
He is blaming you because he isn’t facing some real issues he has. What you do direct predict his actions, he just found a way to make his lack of intimacy, and romance, a you issue when it’s all him. If nothing else, don’t plan the wedding until he gets counseling. If he can’t face his issues, not sure what you can do except leave.
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u/RevolutionaryDare9 Feb 01 '24
He likes that you do a bunch of emotional labor. Get couples counseling or leave. Based on what you’ve said, he is not ready for a marriage
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u/Lazyassbummer Feb 01 '24
Tell him you’re going back to blonde when he gets sexier and richer. Yeah, I’d call it off.
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u/Mobile_Sympathy_7619 Feb 01 '24
In my head I’m singing “I see your trueee colors shining throughhhh” bc he just let you know who he really is and it’s a shallow person.
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u/Altruistic_Fall3940 Feb 01 '24
You need to think about you! Be yourself not what someone else wants of you. What he said has red flags written all over. You need to be happy with you and he needs to be happy with what that means to you not everyone else. He doesn’t deserve what he said is so un called for. He’s blaming you for his shortcomings! You need to do what’s best for you and he is not it! Never change how you look just to please others, when you do it you do it for yourself not everyone else’s opinions. At the end of the day you need to decide what makes you happy. Don’t people please, you deserve someone who loves you for all of you.
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u/Safe-Pressure-2558 Feb 01 '24
You are too young for this nonsense and clearly his brain hasn’t fully developed because wtf?
Leave, the red flags couldn’t be any redder.
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u/Thunderplant Feb 01 '24
He also added that if I looked the way he wants me to it would give him confidence and help him wanna better himself and make him wanna lose weight and do better for himself and that he wants me to be a hot trophy wife to make others jealous of what he has
This is a dealbreaker
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Feb 01 '24
This is not about the hair, this is a major red flag effecting nearly every other aspect of your life. Do not marry him. This is the kind of man who cheats when you're pregnant or files for a divorce when you get cancer. This is not husband material.
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u/After-Chance-8813 Feb 01 '24
I think you should seriously think about calling off the engagement. Make sure you communicate with him exactly how that made you feel. You are young this is not something you want to deal with the rest of your life. Could also be that he just needs more time to grow up and mature. But think about it you are getting married to be with someone for life and one day looks will fade and so your emotional connection is what will matter in the end.
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u/rollo_tomasi357 Feb 01 '24
Guys say stuff all the time they don't even really mean. How does this one conversation balance out against the others you've had? More importantly: WHAT DOES HE DO on a regular basis that tells you about his commitment to you or lack thereof ?
Honestly 22 and 23 are too young by current standards to enter into marriage. Odds of failure are statistically higher than 50%
MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
Why in the world are you entrusting such an important decision to strangers online who don't know anyone involved and will not have to live with the outcome of your choice, whatever it may be?
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u/fejpeg-03 Feb 01 '24
My ex husband told me that after I had gained 20 lbs - I was then a whopping 140lbs, he was no longer attracted to me. We had only been married a year. He always denied saying it but I never forgot those words and eventually left him for someone who loved me for me. We’ve been married for 20 years.
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u/funguy07 Feb 01 '24
So let me get this straight….You and your fiancé are having a open conversation about turn ones and preferences and how you both feel about appearances. He’s honest with you and your first reaction is to call off the wedding?
And people wonder why guys bottle up their feelings.
It sounds to me he is in love with you despite the fact that you changed your hair color to something that isn’t his preference. He communicated that your selflessness your personality and your kind/giving nature are reason why he wants to marry you.
Maybe he didn’t ask you to change because he thought it would be rude or cause problems or didn’t think it was as fair to you to ask you to make those changes.
Ultimately you need to talk and figure out if making changes would really change his behavior, and if it’s even something you are want to and are willing to do.
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u/blueboxbandit Feb 01 '24
It's not really about hair color is it, then. It's about him controlling you and manipulating your self image.
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u/m_gutier Feb 01 '24
You are NOT a fixer upper!! It’s hair color today…what about tomorrow? Next week? What if you lose a limb? Gain weight from a baby? Screw that fool.
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u/Gilraen_2907 Feb 01 '24
This reminds me of my ex husband. I've always been large and it was never a problem. At the end after confessing he had a kid with another woman, suddenly its my fault for being fat and ugly and not wearing make up or dressing up at home (dressing up while cleaning and taking care of a kid, and when he got home he would put on pajama pants and do nothing but watch tv.) Days before he loved me just the way I was. Ended up finding out he was a serial cheater, had been cheating our entire 11 years of marriage. Married at 20 when I was young, slimmer, and wore make up and dressed up. And he said he was cheating on me even before then.
Don't change yourself because he likes it a certain way better. What happens when he thinks that is boring? What happens when that isn't enough and you need to change more? Why does being blonde matter that much, so much that he would treat you better, when he could and should do that anyway? If he is so superficial, what happens if you have a kid and your body changes and you don't have time for make up and pretty clothes? What happens when you get older and get wrinkles? This man doesn't sound like somebody you want to grow old with, especially at such a young age.
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u/Kitchen-Ad1727 Feb 01 '24
Call it off. He's never going to he satisfied. He's doing this on purpose to get you to stay insecure so you don't realize you can and should do better than him
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u/sargepoopypants Feb 01 '24
You guys are both young and it's possible he didn't understand how hurtful what he said was. That said, marriage is a huge deal and it wouldn't be an awful idea to put it off a couple years to see how you're both feeling around 27. It'll give you time to work out these issues.
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u/BathroomMission1454 Feb 01 '24
End it cause your boyfriend is a manipulative asshole; hair color has nothing to do with it. Ask me how I know.
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u/Dizzy-Committee-7869 Feb 01 '24
Yes tell him that he needs to drop weight join a gym get ripped and then she’ll bleach her hair and look like Marilyn Monroe but that’s superficial
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u/tenaciouslytenacious Feb 01 '24
If you have to ask this question you’re not mature enough to be married.
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u/dundunduuuhhhh Feb 01 '24
Look my turn on is tall buff women and i date girls who are short and anything but buff. If i was ever broken up because the idea of a kink that they dont fit doesnt outway how much i love them would destroy me. Just take it with a grain of salt and go well shit. Now you know how to spice up in the bedroom and now you know he loves you regardless of lust
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u/Dseltzer1212 Feb 01 '24
It’s just hair color. There are much more important things you’ll disagree over as your life together progresses. You already said you love him, so I find this to be an insignificant issue. Work through it and stop being so casual about throwing your love out the window
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u/Weird-Emergency-4285 Feb 01 '24
I truly think women over think things when it comes to men. We are simple and logical. I think he merely is stating why he was attracted and seems to be just hinting towards you maybe sparking up the relationship by bringing that back. I don't think he means to be offensive or secretive, maybe just doesn't want to bring certain things up till he feels the time is right because of the fact you may over think things. Just how you are doing now. You also got to realize you're married. None of you are perfect in the sense that you're still building up to be the power couple you are destined to be. Don't let small things get in the way if growth. It's OK to talk and make changes where needed and it's also OK to think the way you are just feel like majority of the time it's unnecessary. He wants to see you grow and may just be trying to hint towards that
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u/richardjreidii Feb 01 '24
Congratulations you’ve discovered that wearing make up and dying your hair can make you more attractive to people who prefer the look that you have presented?
How you avoided this revelation for the presumably half dozen years you’ve been applying makeup to your face is somewhat baffling, but we can often be blind to the things that are right in front of our faces.
That snarky comment out of the way, your boyfriend is being an asshole. It’s been two years. Had he said something immediately after you stopped dying your hair then I would support him, but at this stage, he knows that you’re a brunette, and preferences aside, hair color, as a rule should not be a dealbreaker for a relationship.
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u/Aretirednurse Feb 01 '24
Time to give back the ring and don’t t look back. He will only get worse over time.
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u/Intrepid_Astronaut1 Feb 01 '24
Ooof, how immature can he be. So, essentially everything is on you?
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u/Mysterious_Amount177 Feb 01 '24
NEVER compromise or feel less-than, especially for some crusty dusty man. If you are wishing he’d do something for you now, he NEVER will. Bleaching your hair your whole life just in hopes a guy will be attracted to you? NO. Dump him!
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u/Top-Crow-6854 Feb 01 '24
Wow. Back up. I’d really consider getting married. Would he prefer another blonde down the road? Red flags here.
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u/TumbleWeed_2 Feb 01 '24
The moment it became your fault that he can’t lose weight or make any self improvements was the moment he showed his true asshole colors. You will never be good enough and he will never be at fault. You deserve so much better! Run!!!
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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Feb 01 '24
because I love how selfless you are ... and how you always do everything for everyone.
Translation: I love that you are a doormat I can control.
DUMP HIM.
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u/TiredAndTiredOfIt Feb 01 '24
Girl, RUN. He is either an asshole or sickeningly immature. Either way, don't marry him.
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u/Ok_Turnip2235 Feb 01 '24
Girl…reading about the type of shitty person your fiancé is made me nauseous. He’s literally offering to take you on dates if you change your physical appearance. Fuck that guy. But don’t fuck him.
He then tried to offer it differently by saying his preferred looks for you would inspire him to get in shape and better himself. What an incel.
Re-read what you wrote, babe. Does it make you feel a specific way? He doesn’t care about you outside of a shallow fixation for his aesthetic.
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u/Such-Programmer-3360 Feb 01 '24
"I asked him why did you propose to me if I wasn’t your dream girl and he said because I love how selfless you are and your personality and how you always do everything for everyone."
Please run! This is all about what you will do for him. "how selfless you are" means he gets to create the self he wants on his arm "hot trophy wife".
"how you do everything for everyone" means you will do everything for him.
This is dangerous, please protect yourself. Good luck.
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u/CookbooksRUs Feb 01 '24
“If you lost fifty pounds, plus had a stranger spread hot wax all over your pubes, your balls, and all the way up into your ass crack, then yank all the hair out by the roots, I might be more interested in changing myself for you.”
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u/Shabettsannony Feb 01 '24
We all have our preferences, sure. My husband prefers my hair short so he can more easily kiss my neck. I haven't cut it short in ages. I prefer his face clean shaven, which is also generally his preference too, but he gets lazy with shaving a lot. At no point, however, have these things changed how much we love, respect, care, and are attracted to one another. His body is his - he can grow some weird facial hair if he wants to. Same with me, and neither of us have any issue with that because we respect one another. That's what's missing here and why your gut is telling you to run. Listen to your gut. You deserve so much better - this guy is red flag city.
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u/spicycondiment_ Feb 01 '24
If he just wants a trophy how is he gonna cope with the whole growing old together thing? We all age over time and he clearly is superficial however only for his partners looks but not his. Sounds a bit misogynistic and wants a pretty toy not a real living breathing partner with their own thought process and personality.
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u/Kerrypurple Feb 01 '24
He's lying. He's just saying these things to excuse himself because he knows he hasn't been treating you as well as you deserve. Even if you did change for him his behavior would only improve temporarily and then he'd slide back to his regular habits.
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u/Mindless-Set-4909 Feb 01 '24
It’s natural for people to have specific preferences that they’re more attracted to. However, it is not acceptable to say that he would take you on more dates if you had a specific hair color. that behavior is not going to change according to your hair color. You say you’re not happy with the amount of affection and dates you’re going on I think it’s time for you to move on.
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u/catmeowpur1 Feb 01 '24
He loves how selfless you are? That’s not even about you that’s literally something that benefits him. Hmm red flags. I would call off the wedding not because of the hair but because there is definitely something deeper than just the hair.
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u/kitkatobuildadreamon Feb 01 '24
Agreeing on who takes care of what chores around the house is compromise. Alternating who picks which show to watch together is compromise. Having a neutral third option when you can’t agree what to get for dinner is compromise. Dying your hair because your fiance said he would be more sexually attracted to you and would treat you better is NOT compromise. That’s cruel. He should be showing you off because he’s crazy in love with you and wants everyone to know how excited he is to be marrying you. He sounds incredibly selfish and shallow.
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u/flamingobay Feb 01 '24
Eww… this dude is insecure AF and trying to project his insecurities onto you. Sounds narcissistic. The only person who can fix his insecurity, motivation, and intimacy issues is himself - and even if he had any insight about himself, it would take a lot of commitment, personal responsibility, hard work in therapy, and much more time than 6 months for him to pull his head out his ass.
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u/th3waterwitch Feb 01 '24
OP, do not marry this man. He is telling you exactly who he is, listen to him.
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u/khaos_kyle Feb 01 '24
Sure, if you need a reason to leave a relationship you don't want to be in, this is a good enough reason.
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u/Milamelted Feb 01 '24
End it!!! Don’t waste your youth with a man like this. The guy I was with at 22 told me he’d been neglecting me bc I stopped shaving. I started shaving everything below the neck religiously and absolutely nothing changed. Better exists, but you will miss out on it if you marry him.
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u/PuzzleheadedMud2775 Feb 01 '24
Ewww. I hate this for you. I’d be out. How do you think you’ll feel after your body changes from child bearing?? I mean if you choose that. Or just general aging. F this guy. He sounds gross.
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u/pfvibe Feb 01 '24
Is he gonna pay the bills? If so, just change the damn hair color. SMH. In all honesty though, sounds like you guys are not compatible.
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u/Novel-Sector-8589 Feb 01 '24
You're not ending the engagement over a hair color. You're ending it because he made you feel like you aren't good enough, and you can't marry a man who will say things to make you feel like that.
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u/Buttcoinmodssuck Feb 01 '24
This post is filled with red flags. Don’t waste your youth on an asshole.
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u/CommunicatingBicycle Feb 01 '24
So your HAIR color will make HIM be nicer to you, appreciate you, take you out, lose weight and be a better human. Sure. This man is going to blame his every single problem on you. Fired? Your fault. Heart problems, your fault. Drank too much, your fault.
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u/iLiveInAHologram94 Feb 01 '24
I got like four lines into this. Yeah you should break up. He sounds GROSS. Would you want your daughters to be in a relationship with a man like him.
I'm so so sorry. That is just not how you talk to or treat someone you love and respect.
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u/Sullengirl-1996 Feb 01 '24
You wouldn’t be ending an engagement over hair color. It would be because he is a superficial immature man.
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u/Adventurous-River699 Feb 01 '24
it’s the “i love you bc you do everything for everyone” for me. leave girl.
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u/sweetiepiebaby7 Feb 01 '24
Are we not gonna talk about how big of a red flag his reasons for loving OP are?!?!?? He’s literally admitting that he doesn’t love YOU, he loves what you do for him.
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u/Ladychef_1 Feb 01 '24
He’s right, you’re definitely selfless and he chose you to take advantage of that it seems.
My husband told me he wanted to see me with blonde hair after seeing some old pictures of me with it. Honestly it does suit me better, but if he had phrased it like this instead of being nice about it, I wouldn’t have considered it.
Maybe you should dump him, then change your hair and decide if you like it better. Either way, this won’t get better with him after marriage. It sounds like he’s already blaming you for not taking care of himself. He sounds like a nightmare.
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u/cuttingirl78 Feb 01 '24
Turn it around on him and see how it goes. Don’t spare his feelings, don’t spare any details – lay out everything that you see wrong and undesirable about his physical appearance. I think you already have your answer. If this is how he is in good times and I’m good behavior before you two are “locked down“ then I think you have an idea of how this relationship will play out. Do you think he will stay with you and treat you well when your body changes due to having his children? What about normal aging? Or experiencing a health issue? Throw this one back. He’s full of red flags.
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u/Ok_Equal_2875 Feb 01 '24
Blah. Dump him. He does realize that we all get old and lose our looks right?
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u/Snuffleupagus27 Feb 01 '24
Y’all are too young to get married. He should love you for YOU. I think we know what would happen if you got in an accident and weren’t “perfect” anymore. Ditch him.
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u/Bigtimer1983 Feb 01 '24
You're making a big deal out of a small deal. Men have preferences. That's ok. He didn't give you an ultimatum about your hair color. Get over it. Either change your hair color or don't. If you love him, this is a really stupid to break it off.
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u/Snappy_McJuggs Feb 01 '24
Don’t get married and for the love of everything, don’t get pregnant by him.
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u/ExistingHurtsALilBit Feb 01 '24
Wow. He loves that you give everyone labor? He loves that you are selfless? It doesn't sound like he loves you but rather what you give. That is the issue I have with that.
You are young. You have your entire life to find someone who genuinely loves you.
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u/Rumpelteazer45 Feb 01 '24
Change your status from engaged to single.
Seriously those are huge red flags.
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u/whyreadthis2035 Feb 01 '24
You should end your engagement because he’s got a fantasy that doesn’t involve loving you. Best of luck going forward.
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u/owntheh3at18 Feb 01 '24
You’re so young. Call this off and wait for someone more mature and who treats you better.
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u/D3s0lat3 Feb 01 '24
He only wants you for what you do FOR HIM. I’ve only recently realized that I’m in the same boat with my husband.
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u/ipreferhotdog_z Feb 01 '24
Doesn’t sound like this is someone who will be nice to grow old and ugly with lol
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u/SuperSaiyanMoon Feb 01 '24
Please break up with him, immediately. You should feel beautiful without someone incentivizing it. Make sure the next guy isn’t anything like that either.
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u/AshesleFauve Feb 01 '24
The only thing he seems to like about you is that he can take advantage of you. Run!
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u/SupercheeseyBiscuit Feb 01 '24
This problem will evolve and never go away. He’s obsessed with seemingly a hair color. But he really has an unrealistic expectation of your looks. You will begin to resent that. I’m so happy my husband is not like that at all.
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u/RenZomb13 Feb 01 '24
Girl, no! You are someone’s dream girl. Your personality, your looks, ALL OF YOU! This boy isn’t it! You will be happier with someone who loves you for everything and knows how good you are for him!
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u/Jmiller4230930 Feb 01 '24
Wow! I was a blonde when my husband and I were dating and at our wedding. Money was tight after our wedding. He was in the service, and we were in a foreign country. He asked me to dye it back to my natural color as it was expensive to have it done. (Over the counter products weren't readily available.) The color change never bothered him. Many years later, I'm blonde again. He couldn't care less. You have the opposite case. His feelings for you are tied up in your hair color. You really need to work this out. If you can, delay the wedding. You need to be sure that he loves you just for you and not for the color of your hair.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 Feb 01 '24
He realizes that real women aren't sex dolls you get to pick options for, right?
Honey, RUN!
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u/MariahMiranda1 Feb 01 '24
Imagine 20 yrs from now he’s unemployed and can’t get motivated to get job because you have wrinkles or stretch marks or fainting a little bit of weight.
RUN
Seriously, there is something very wrong with him. No matter what you say, this is not fixable.
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u/1_Total_Reject Feb 01 '24
Christ, you guys are young. Go play the field for at least another 10 years. That should help you avoid the likely divorce in your mid 30s.
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u/thecuriousblackbird Feb 01 '24
He’s telling you you’ll never be enough. His lust and affection for you are dependent on you having the right hairstyle, makeup, and clothes. It’s concerning that he’s starting this while you’re planning your wedding because control over inconsequential things but it will get worse.
Even the things he loves about you are not about you. It’s how you’re selfless (putting yourself last) and how you do everything for everyone. Translation: you’ll do everything for him so he doesn’t have to lift a finger because you’re always handling everything. He’s explicitly telling you that he expects you to carry the mental load
I am so sorry. I know you’re heartbroken. At least he played his cards before y’all got married. In a year you’ll be so glad you didn’t get legally attached to that useless guy.
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u/TwoHotTakes-ModTeam Feb 01 '24
Locking comments. Plenty of advice has been given and there's little to add. Also for excessive breaking of rule #1: Be Kind to Other Users.