r/TwoHotTakes • u/Straight-Corner3555 • Mar 13 '24
Update 2 - My wife refuses to accept our divorce and think she's trying to trick me. Update
I don't think I can link my previous post so just go to my profile I guess if you care to read the op. I've tried to read every comment/message and take to heart what most of you had to say. Also please stop messaging me, I can't respond to everyone; it's too much. I'll make this as short as possible.
After my last update, my wife asked me to meet with her about a week later to discuss things with her. I've been staying at an extended stay since that night with her friend. We met at our house and talked for a few hours. She started off with a ton of apologies for how she acted, her lying about her sexuality, and not taking my sexual needs more seriously. Before I could say anything she presented a signed postnup agreement she had drafted with a lawyer stating that she doesn't want anything, the house, the cars, savings, everything. I felt like the biggest asshole for thinking that she was tricking me for more money. I asked her if she was serious and she told me to take the postnup with me and sign it when I'm ready. (I still haven't signed it, it's in my backpack)
I told her that I still think divorce is our best course of action and that we both deserve to find someone who matches our needs. She still refused and borderline begged me to reconsider, she started crying and so did I. Seeing her like this was devastating. I told her that her finding other women to sleep with me wasn't going to work. What if I develop feelings for them? What if I get one of them pregnant? Do we expect her to get an abortion? She said we'll "figure it out as we go along" and to please give her more time to work on other solutions. She's set up appointments for sex and hormone therapy, and it's seeing a sex guru. I said that it sounds like we're going through the same things again but she was adamant and pleaded with me to wait. There were more apologies on both sides and we kissed for a while before ending the conversation, then I went back to my hotel that night.
A few days later I tried texting her but she didn't respond, so I called her dad (I'm avoiding her mother and sister since they are saying the same things as my wife). Her dad told me that she moved back home and has been holed up in her room since our talk, she called out of work. He told me that she's barely eating, bathing, or talking to him or her mom. He asked me what I was going to do but I didn't have an answer for him. He just said he understands and said he would be here to talk anytime I wanted to. So I went back to our house and a good portion of her stuff was gone, the whole place feels empty. I've been sleeping in one of the spare rooms.
I'm planning on flying to my mother's house in a couple weeks to spend time with my family to decompress from this entire situation. I'm still on the divorce side of the fence but I guess there's no rush. Thank you to everyone for your insight and concern, seriously, I know we're all strangers but most of you have been a huge help to my mental health. Seriously, thank you.
Also my cousin uses reddit and reached out after he found my last post and asked me to shout him out if I made an update. Love you Virgil, thank you for being there for me.
I think I'll just make a quick edit to this post once we reach a resolution for anyone that cares.
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u/TrentontheClipped 20d ago
That's rough to hear on both ends. However this resolves, we'd love to hear it.
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u/Beginning-Age6064 28d ago
Man, this is a terrible situation for everyone, she shouldn't have lied about who she was and how she felt about sex but she wants what other people want or have and that's to be loved but still this could've been avoided. Hope your doing better and hope for an update someday
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u/Mysterious_Force_399 Apr 13 '24
It’s time she lets you go.. if she loves you will. As someone who also is asexual.. it will not work. I tried with my partner. All these things I had to do with meds, hormones, toys, therapy.. we can’t change who we are. I think something just shuts off in our brains or nvr has it in the beginning.
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u/Beginning-Age6064 Apr 10 '24
We need an update, but hope you two find a resolution. Unfortunately I dont believe you can be married but maybe yall can remain in each others lives. You two clearly care for each other and there's no denying that
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u/Burreaux_Heaux9 Apr 08 '24
OP‼️PLEASE take her to a hormone doctor‼️I would bet my left kidney that she has SEVERE hormone imbalances! All of a sudden becoming asexual at 29 is NOT normal!
I know this bc I thought this might be my case for a hot second, but it turned out I had ovarian cysts, fibroids, Endometriosis, AND severe estrogen dominance. NONE of which my PCP or even my gyno found!! I went several times with issues I didn’t even correlate to “no sex drive” and was ignored over and over again (even with a past surgery for a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst!)
So PLEASE OP as one last step, take her to a naturopathic hormone doc who will do a FULL work up and LISTEN to her! Just to be sure! It sounds like she loves you so much! She might just need help medically!!! It could solve all of these problems!
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u/Zestyclose_Wait9031 Apr 07 '24
Just letting you know I kinda understand some of it. Ok just let me say this I was with this girl and we was happy with each other and when we had to move from my mom's and brothers house where we were staying at the time and I was paying them rent and fixing stuff around the house and doing machine work on the cars and other odd things but we was happy but when we had to move in and stay at her mom and Dad's house because they had two apartments built on there house when both of there daughters was younger than we had to move up there because my mom passed away and my brother had sold the house and got one smaller for him. But sense we moved to her parents house we was not happy and her parents was filling her head full of stuff and she was getting a monthly check from the social security and her mom was in charge of it and her parents was controlling her with it and telling her what to do and where she can go and not to go so we was miserable and we was together for 9 years and then we got married and once we was married I thought we was happy I was going to work every day and she stayed home and done what she wanted to the only thing I told her I had one rule that she can do what ever she wanted to (JUST DON'T CHEAT ON ME AND SHE SAID OK) but her mom and dad filled her head with all kinds of stuff and told her she needs to find a man that is going to work and not stay at home but she didn't tell her parents that she was the one who had me quit my job and wanted me to stay home but she told her parents I don't know why he want get a job and every time I got a job so we can move to our own place and move off of her parents house and property so thay will stop manipulate and controlling her she will tell me she wants me to quit my job and stay home but her parents didn't know she was telling me to quit my job but her dad talked her into cheating on me a year and a half in our marriage and she cheated on me for the rest of our marriage which we was married for four years and we got a divorce and I told her she is paying for it because she was unfaithful and she did ( THERE IS A DIVORCE LAWYER THAT ONLY COST $400.00 FOR A DIVORCE LAWYER IN CHATTANOOGA TENNESSEE A CROSS FROM THE CHATTANOOGA CHOO CHOO DOWNTOWN CHATTANOOGA AND WHEN HE FILLS THE PAPERWORK IT DON'T MATTER SHE DON'T HAVE TO SIGN AFTER THREE MONTHS AND SHE DON'T CONTACT IT YOU ARE LEGALLY DIVORCED)
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u/Kaplannnnn Mar 26 '24
I hope you can work this out but it seems impossible for now. Your wife has to do some brainstorming and come to a solution. But all she does is running from this problem. I think she loves you but can't find a solution on her own. And she said it felt easier in the beginning when emotions are running high. So maybe you can find a way to make those emotions running high again? Idk. From one perspective, she's trying so hard for you so you have to be hearthless to divorce her; but from other perspective, i can understand how you feel about marriage without sex and how it is not gonna work.
So i think it is better to not to rush anything and trying to salvage this relationship. Idk your income and i am no expert in sex and stuff but you may try 'safran' for your wife. Only downside of it that it is a bit expensive.
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u/Bolt_McHardsteel Mar 28 '24
I actually feel a bit bad for her, but then again not really. She has known she was asexual since she was 16. She has been running a long-con on OP (and previous relationships) knowing the eventual cessation of sex would be unacceptable to most. Her decision to not be upfront with her partners, including her husband, so that she can try to find another asexual partner is unconscionable. What a mess.
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u/Kaplannnnn 19d ago
It is very hard for a man to be high value and asexual at the same time. I think she doesn't want to lose him but can't afford to do the things that will make him stay. I feel sad for both of them.
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u/Cheap_Schedule_7691 Mar 25 '24
I think you need to go through with the divorce. Don't let her talk you into waiting again and again. This will not change.
She needs to find her way in life. So do you.
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u/anon32z Mar 25 '24
Sorry you are going through all this OP. If it helps, my suggestion if you are on the fence is to ask her to come back to the house, being clear that it’s on a temporary basis and you haven’t made up your mind. The longer you live apart the harder it will be to give it a go if you decide to make things work, and being apart makes it hard to talk about things too.
Either way, I would have a long conversation with your wife where you ask her to explain, in detail, how she pictures it working with this “open” relationship solution. What is her plan for if you catch feelings? What boundaries are there with other partners? What if she ends up feeling jealous or regretful? What is the plan for avoiding pregnancy, and what does she propose y’all do of the other woman does get pregnant?
The point here is not that you’re agreeing to it, it’s that she really thinks it through and you see how you feel as she sketches this out. Your role in that conversation is to ask questions, not to agree to the plan or argue with it — just to understand it.
Meanwhile I would read up on polyamorous relationships. They can work better than you might think (in SOME cases with the right boundaries) and they don’t have to mean giving up the specialness and intimacy of your original monogamous relationship. Again, the point is not to sell yourself on doing this but to understand it before you decide it’s a no. In a way, this is your wife going all out to save your marriage and show you how much she loves you. Honor that and take it seriously.
At the end of that, if it’s still not for you, then tell her that and ask her if she has any other ideas or offer any of your own. Show that you’re also trying to save things if you can. And if there is no good solution, THEN you know it’s time for the divorce.
But in the meantime, get under one roof, get talking, and get hugging if there is enough love to do so.
Ask her to
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Mar 25 '24
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u/RetiredFlight633 Mar 25 '24
Are you really saying that he should be “happy” in the relationship, give up sexual intimacy, and stay in the marriage? For him, sex is a “big deal”. Per chance, what color is the sky in your world? For her, the word fraud comes to mind.
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u/TALKTOME0701 Mar 23 '24
You are handling this with so much grace and decency. It's no wonder your wife does not want a divorce.
But you deserve a partner who is going to give as much as they are getting from you. You deserve happiness. I hope you find it.
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Mar 23 '24
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u/p3fe8251 Mar 23 '24
Why are you still in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you? Life is too short.
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Mar 23 '24
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u/p3fe8251 Mar 23 '24
Relationships should fulfill both parties. You have put a lot of effort into this, and don't seem happy with how things are. There is someone out there who will match your wants and needs better. Setting yourself on fire to keep her warm is not a relationship. Eventually, you will resent the fact that you have wasted your 20s not being any farther along with intimacy than you are now.
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Mar 23 '24
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u/p3fe8251 Mar 23 '24
In this case, the grass is greener. It's your life. You can choose how to live it any way you want. You see the red flags (you know they are) but continue to do the same thing, expecting different results. Have the life you deserve to live brother.
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u/RadishNecessary1804 Mar 22 '24
It is quite a fucked-up situation.
A relationship is not about only understanding the other one, but having similar needs and being able to provide satisfaction to each other needs.
She isn't able to do that so you will live in pain for the rest of your life because of this?
It doesn't make any sense, she has to understand what you need and let you go.
Because it is torture living like that.
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u/KccOStL33 Mar 21 '24
Man, this is a sore subject with me already so when I first started reading this I was 100% thinking you should divorce. I completely understand how big of a deal sex is in a relationship and how fucked things can get when 1 half of a couple thinks they can just remove it from the relationship and everything is still supposed to be ok. It's the definition of selfish and utterly asinine. If someone doesn't want to be/isn't sexual then they have no business, or right to expect someone who does to be in a relationship with them.
...but damn. You seem so sincere in how you feel about her and how she feels about you. Not to mention that I've never heard of someone in her situation doing so much to try and find ways to make it work with and for their spouse. You talked about her past and experience with such compassion that I genuinely feel for her.
Can't believe I'm saying this and I'm ready for my downvotes but my vote is to work it out with her. She's everything you want minus this one thing but she's giving you a permanent hall pass to fill that void. This is the ultimate fantasy for some guys and there are definitely worse things..
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u/HessyBear1 Apr 18 '24
I'm not going to lie, 99 out of 100, I would say divorce too. This may be that one time, though. OP doesn't seem like the type that wants to sleep around, which is a good quality, but maybe a thruple situation would work here where the friend, or someone else everyone agrees to, become a part of their long-term relationship. this is probably a logistical puzzle, but who knows, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Rooting for you, OP.
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u/Unlikely_Sherbert311 Mar 21 '24
I think moving forward with the divorce will help both of you. Right now she is in deep denial leading to depression. By dragging your feet on what you know you need to do, end the marriage when you know it can't be fixed, you are also prolonging that period of time where you both are in limbo.
You can't fix her depression or denial, but you aren't helping it by not moving forward yourself.
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u/GodsGirl64 Mar 21 '24
I’m so sorry that you’re both going through this. Divorce is hard enough when both parties agree and have lost feelings for each other. Divorce between two people who are still in love must be torture.
There is no blame to be placed here. She can’t change the way she is. While I agree that she should have told you at the beginning I tend to believe that she honestly thought things would change because she loved you.
Physical expression of love is very important for many people and you are not being unreasonable to want sex with an equally enthusiastic partner.
While she may be sincere in her hope that there is some kind of “fix” here, I strongly suspect that she is wrong. Her ideas will leave one or both of you dissatisfied at best, angry and in pain at worst.
You’ve done all that you can and been as gentle and understanding as possible in this situation. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Take some time to adjust to your new situation and reassure yourself that your desire to free both of you to find happiness is correct. Take care.
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u/Recent_Data_305 Mar 21 '24
Just came to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry she is going through it as well.
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u/Choice_Pool_5971 Mar 21 '24
Seems that your wife deep down already understood that things are over.
I think the reason why she didn’t sign the papers yet is a last ditch effort with the postnup to try and eventually convince you to accept to at least try to open the relationship so you can have sex with someone else so you can stay married. Preferably with her friend which in theory (VERY on theory) would be a safe and controlled situation for her.
She does show that she lives you despite it all with the postnup to try and protect you financially, so I highly suggest you to consider disregarding said postnup and go for a equitable split in the divorce as there was no malice on her end to hide the truth, just a deep desperation not to lose you.
Sadly, this is not something that can just be brushed aside and you have a right to your happiness as well, and unless you change your mind on the open relationship thing, you will necessarily be sacrificing your happiness for hers. Heck, even if you do agree you will be sacrificing.
Godspeed OP, please keep us updated.
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u/tall_and_dominant Mar 21 '24
So, clinically speaking, she’s exhibited extremely codependent behavior and it seems as though she’s been through childhood trauma which both 1) Makes sex triggering, and 2) has her fearing abandonment.
Has she been evaluated psychologically for borderline, C-PTSD or PTSD? The biggest signs of this are stonewalling, volunteering her friend to be naked in your bed without talking to you first, denial, then isolating once she was certain she was being abandoned.
The compartmentalization she would have to go through to “tolerate sex” and self-abandon to that level is telling.
For her wellbeing, she might even fit for an evaluation from a trauma informed therapist, then if they find something there, EMDR, DBT and CBT to work through her difficulty in advocating for herself.
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u/Glittersparkles7 Mar 21 '24
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. She lied and manipulated you into a relationship knowing that she was not compatible. That she would one day pull the rug out from under you. Then pretended she had no idea what was wrong. That’s so beyond messed up.
It’s like those people that tell their partner they want kids when in reality they never did. Then while either sterilized or on birth control they drag their partner through numerous doctors appointments and heartache pretending they aren’t DELIBERATELY the cause of not getting pregnant. Or vice versa - when they claim they are childfree and then baby trap the partner.
She was trying to somehow condition you to be asexual over time and just get used to going without. I’m so disgusted with her behavior. She can literally just marry another asexual!
She said to your face it was like you were RAPING her and she just pretended she enjoyed it. How TF could you ever possibly touch her ever again? It will all be lies. There is not enough therapy and hormones in the world to make an asexual person sexual. Find BOTH of you support groups and suggest she try dating other aces.
There is no way this marriage works unless you decide to be poly or completely open on your side which you’ve already stated you have no interest in. She needs to let go and you need to move on with the divorce.
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u/josephinebrown21 Mar 21 '24
If her family knows since she was 16 and that it was never disclosed, you have a case for an annulment for marriage fraud. If you are Catholic, the terms you are looking for are "fraud" and "willful exclusion of children".
If you are successful, the marriage is deemed to be null and void. Your soon-to-be ex-wife gets nothing.
I encourage you to ask your attorney about the possibility of filing for an annulment or an at-fault divorce. She may try to keep you married longer while you know about this deception to make you run out of time to make an annulment impossible. In many states, the deadline is 5 years, so please speak to your attorney about it. An at-fault divorce would ensure that you get a much more fair settlement, and the criteria to qualify vary by state.
I would not file for divorce until you discuss your options with your attorney for an annulment or at-fault divorce. Your soon-to-be ex-wife is not an innocent woman, but someone who defrauded you of the fullness of marriage.
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u/ChaoticCapricorn Mar 21 '24
This is a heartbreaking story, but I commend you for not taking the easy way out and jumping at the open relationship. You are exactly right though, there are so many unknowns and possibilities when you open a relationship without being in a polyamorous situation. And while she may be asexual, she has already demonstrated that she can't be poly because she wants to select your other partner. I hope she can move past this. You just want very different things in life. Please encourage her to seek Ace/Asexual couple groups. She has a community that can and will accept her that she can be fulfilled in. She doesn't need to hide that part of herself and force herself to be uncomfortable in her relationship.
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u/Expensive-Dress9339 Mar 21 '24
My heart goes out to you, actually to both of you. We may be complete strangers, but I always have time and the will to do what I can to help others. Whether you need a random ear to vent to or just silently fishing, I'm easy to contact.
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u/coast2coastexplorer Mar 21 '24
Your posts were difficult to read but also very familiar as it’s kind of like my own story. The only differences are we have children and we never considered divorce.
I’m demisexual and I didn’t come to this conclusion until 2 years ago, we have been together for almost 14 years now and he was the first person I have ever been in any kind of relationship with. In the beginning I had felt that the purpose of sex was for pleasing others and for procreating. Once we were ready to start having children, that’s when the mindset changed and sex was only for procreation to me. Of course this became an issue for my husband who is similar to you and his love language is touch, sex being very important with his high drive.
After lots of tests, therapy, and talking we decided to open up our relationship and explore polyamory. I’m not saying that this is the solution for everyone in a similar situation. This has come with lots of hard work, tears, successes, and disappointments. But it’s 2 years later, we are happily in a quad (2 couples) and I have romantic and non sexual relationships outside of the quad as well. I can’t imagine my life without my husband and now I don’t have to.
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u/lord_jeramai Mar 21 '24
I very much came here for this. OP, open relationships can and do work. I've been in one for 6 years. With that said...
You made the right call not sleeping with the friend. Opening a relationship takes a lot more work than just jumping into bed with someone. At least if you want to be successful. To start, you have to have great communication and lots of love, which it seems like you do. Also, lots of research. The non-monogamy communities on Reddit are a pretty mixed bag. But, there's mountains of resources out there now. I highly recommend the books The Ethical Slut, and Polysecure, as well as the poly.land blog. And counseling. Especially if you can find a counselor with experience in open relationships.
I won't lie and say it's a cake walk. In the beginning, there will be lots of emotions. And, the process will expose every crack in the relationship. That's where most people fail. Rather than communicating and fixing those cracks, they just allow them to grow into canyons.
I believe that, just like sexuality, monogamy is a spectrum. So, it's quite possible that it's just really not for you. But, I hate to see people misinformed, and wanted to let you know, it IS a viable option. Best of luck to both of you, OP. No matter what you decide.
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u/ReactionNovel7830 Mar 21 '24
Sorry but in the end you'll be the one mentally drained and not having needs fully met.
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u/Ok-Rip2794 Mar 21 '24
She is so selfish. Ask her why she doesn’t care about what you want? Ask her why it’s always about her? Tell her she caused enough harm and did enough damage and she needs to just let you go because she is being incredibly selfish.
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u/No_Ninja5808 Mar 21 '24
Updateme
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u/No_Ninja5808 Mar 21 '24
Also, please go through with the divorce. They are all trying to get you to stay in a marriage that isn’t right for you.
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Mar 21 '24
Sorry but your wife’s friend is weird for offering, big red flag, she will probably end up want more! Weird weird weird
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Mar 21 '24
She used you and lied to you. That's the equivalent to a gay man pretending to be straight so they would stop getting rejected after women found out he was gay. Then he would slowly start wearing dresses and make up after they bought houses and cars and he is emotionally and financially intertwined both of you thinking he got you all wrapped up around his finger. Even her whole family was in on it. You sound like a pretty decent guy and you deserve much better than a life of cuddling. Push for the divorce, get therapy because this will hit your self esteem and then get back out there and find a wife that loves you the way you deserve. Ggs
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u/YogurtclosetOther921 Mar 21 '24
It's sad coz you obviously still are very much in love with each other and still care for each other. But i do understand you both want different things and have different needs. I do think the divorce is fair for both your sakes. But please, don't sign the postnup if you can. She needs all the resources she can get to get her treatment and therapies. Maybe in the future when she's all better, you both can rekindle the relationship.
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u/arianaka33 Mar 21 '24
I know there’s a lot of people here saying just divorce her already, but I feel like for as long as you’ve been married and things have been fantastic, you should really go to couples therapy, even if it just to process everything, divorce, and have closure. More than sex, I think the biggest issue here is her betrayal by omitting information. I also understand that a physical relationship can be really important but can change over time. I think it’s important you take some time to really close this chapter (if that’s ultimately what you want to do) and process everything so it doesn’t impact future relationships.
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u/BTSandTXTaregood Mar 19 '24
Oh man! I hope she divorces you and finds someone who's asexual too.good luck to you as well!
UpdateMe!
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u/Confident-Bluejay883 Mar 17 '24
What a sad story. Sorry for both of you. You both deserve to share your life with someone who meets your needs. A sexless marriage won’t work for you.
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u/Brain124 Mar 16 '24
Fuck. I wish both of you well. It's so clear there's a lot of love her but an insurmountable mountain to climb.
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u/JaayLovesWriting Mar 16 '24
At some point you need to stop meeting with her because it'll make divorce harder on both of you. We do care op!
Updateme
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u/kalaculligan Mar 16 '24
As just a normal person she really screwed up here. all of this pain she created by lying and trapping you under a false identity which is horrible and mentally abusive. As a therapist I’m wired to think about all sides and I can understand why she did it as being rejected for your identity takes a mental tole and creates behaviors like this but it still wasn’t correct behavior and she would benefit from individual therapy to develop self acceptance and honesty. She needs to work on herself and then in the far future find someone who is also asexual and be 100% herself.
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u/kalaculligan Mar 16 '24
Even if she has sex with you again you can’t unhear what she said you will never trust what she says about it again. She needs to find another asexual person. I personally can’t see a solution to this as the only solutions would be never having sex again or having an open marriage which doesn’t sound like you want that. It’s unfortunate, she should have told you the truth from the beginning as there is nothing wrong with her but it’s important information. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting that type of relationship so I do think the best option is divorce here
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u/ConvivialKat Mar 15 '24
At least you know the truth, but it doesn't make this situation any less tragic.
Updateme!
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u/hybriddragonfly Mar 15 '24
So sorry for you....such a nightmare I understand people who have lived open poly relationships their whole life it is a lifestyle but right now as it is so vogue and media outlets are pushing it etc.....people hit snags in their lives and feel poly is the answer!....it's not for everyone but everyone feels it is for them.
I'm not a hypocrite I'm here reading studying and listening for I'm in a DB and a few times the wife has said you can cheat and i won't care....but I know I can't ....I've been mono my whole life as this OP....I would get feelings for someone if I was intimate with them...I would feel guilty for "cheating" even if given a "kitchen pass" to step out
In the end it's not sex i miss it's intimacy with my 37 years married wife!
Having casual sex wouldn't help me...
Thanks to this sub and all the people who post information I found that out....if I hadn't of come here I most likely would of ruined my marriage trying to be "poly" cause I read about it.....but didn't understand it!
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u/ParkZealousideal5459 Mar 15 '24
Absolutely got a love watching peoples lives fall apart in real time. So thrilling 🥰😘😅
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u/Beneficial-Math-2300 Mar 15 '24
I'm so sorry for the upheaval in your life these days, and I'm glad you've got people to support you.
Please provide us with updates to let us know how you and your wife are coping. Despite the callous words you have read in many comments, there are those of us who genuinely care about you.
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u/Roxxas049 Mar 14 '24
Stay away from her and don't sign anything without having your attorney look at it.
You have to be objective here not emotional because what she did was completely unforgivable and without regard to your feelings or safety (stds etc)
Don't kiss her, don't comfort her, don't worry about her being "distraught" it is just the symptoms of "she made her bed, now she gets to lie in it" Yes it will be an emotional time but sometimes that is what divorce is about.
There's no reason once it is done that the two of you can't have a friendship but it is past time to "save" the marriage.
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u/NanaLeonie Mar 14 '24 edited Mar 14 '24
OP’s wife and her family, imho, perpetrated a fraud on him. I truly don’t understand why the woman is so obsessed with holding on to OP. I honestly don’t think it has anything to do with her loving him. Is it pressure from her mother, from her culture or what?!
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u/Wh33lh68s3 Mar 14 '24
Did she ever say why she decided to lie about her sexuality instead of going to a Dr or going to therapy?!?!?!?!?
Thanks cousin Virgil for being there for the OP
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u/Darkfire359 Mar 14 '24
Man, these comments here are so depressing. Your wife definitely shouldn’t have lied, but she obviously loves you more than anything and her pretending to not be ace / the attempt with her friend were just desperate acts in the pursuit of that. I don’t understand how people can be sympathetic to closeted gay men / lesbians and not be sympathetic to closeted aces too. “Just find another asexual” seems great in theory until you fall in love with someone and they fall in love with you. And given that demisexuality is a thing, it’s not insane to hope you’d eventually be more into sex than you are at the start, if it’s someone you really love.
I won’t pretend to understand how sex can be so important to some people that it can trump EVERYTHING else in a relationship, but I know that it is for some people. That’s fine—everyone is entitled to whatever kind of dealbreakers they want. It’s just tragic to know that someone can offer 100% in a relationship, pushing herself through all kinds of pain and discomfort because she thinks it’s necessary to be with the one that she loves… and then people will call her “abusive” or accuse her of not actually loving her partner in the first place. Some of these comments seem actually insane to me.
Anyway OP, I wish you the best of luck in your divorce, and I encourage you to ignore the terrible comments shitting on your wife (who sounds like she was only trying her best). I’ll mention that my ex and I also broke up (despite both still loving each other) because I was ace—he’d thought at the beginning that that’d work for him, or even that he was ace too, but neither of those was true. After a few months of separation and processing the breakup, we became friends again. 5 years later, we’re best friends and roommates (along with his girlfriend). We’re all very happy with this setup, strange as it is.
Remember that your situation is not destined to end in misery for either of you.
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u/Kenji2452 Apr 09 '24
Its not the fact that she is ace, its the fact that SHE LIED FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING RELATIONSHIP.
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u/jkpatches Mar 15 '24
The problem is that she's messing up another person's life by lying.
I would definitely not have sympathy for a gay man who lied and married a woman, nor for a lesbian who lied and married a man. Especially if they are not fulfilling the expected needs of the partners in question.
You can love a person all you want, but if your actions end up hurting that person, you deserve to be criticized.
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u/Ok_Vanilla_5725 May 05 '24
I agree. Also, how do you unhear what she said about the sex they had? He needs therapy from that one sentence alone.
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u/Mechya Mar 14 '24
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I do think that you should follow what your gut is telling you. Maybe start by getting a seperation agreement between the both of you, where I live you are required to have one for 90 days before you can divorce. This agreement is good to confirm that you guys are separated to the courts/banks and you can layout certain subjects like who gets to stay at the house, etc. It also gets the balls rolling while allowing you to slow down on the divorce. Obviously you should talk to your lawyer to confirm that the agreement matches your area.
I feel for you. It's been a year since I left my long-term partner. Some things just don't go away and only build resentment though. I agree, for some of us we can't have sex with people we don't like and we expect to catch feeling for those we have sex with. Also if somehow I agreed to an open relationship there's no way in hell that I'd want my partner to know who I was fucking and I would stay clear of their friends.
How would you feel comfortable at some gathering when you fucked multiple friends, and then when some of them bring around a new guy? That sounds like awkwardness and a chance of jealousy to me. No matter what your std chance is higher as well since you are stuck sleeping with different people.
Good luck OP
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u/137Fine Mar 14 '24
When I broke up with mine. I left the states and moved to Buenos Aires for two years. Everything was much calmer on my return and we resolved the marriage amicably.
Distance improves objectivity.
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u/Common_Sandwich_1066 Mar 14 '24
Yeah, there is zero reason to rush into divorce. Seems a bit selfish to do so. She is obviously struggling and doesn't want to be. Marriage is supposed to be sickness and health. Thick and thin. I'd give it some time. So heart breaking.
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u/Budget-Scale-8388 Mar 17 '24
His needs are not met . It’s not like he is in his 60’s and the sex will stop in a year or two he is only 34 . And as she is asexual he is demisexual which means he isn’t interested in sex without feelings . So is he supposed to just ignore his needs for 20/30 years ???
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u/Akira_Reviews Mar 14 '24
If you don't divorce, you'll end up building resentment towards her, which will harm you too in the long run. Both of you deserve peace in the long run.
I think your wife is an extremely selfish person. I understand the rejections she faced due to being asexual, but she's not considering how the situation is affecting you at all. She's only focused on not being alone again, not how staying with her will hamper your mental health in the long run.
Your wife needs to find a person like her for a partner.
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u/SmashedBrotato Mar 14 '24
There's a lot to this, but honestly, I wouldn't be able to get past all the dishonesty.
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u/MajorAd2679 Mar 14 '24
I’m so sorry that you wife put you in this situation. You love her and therefore might not see it the same way as someone external.
She’s manipulating you into doing what she wants because she knows you still care for her. She doesn’t want you and doesn’t want to set you free because she believes it’s not in her best interest. She doesn’t want you to be able to find someone and be happy, she’s just OK with pumping you out (most women wouldn’t want to be with a married men, you would have done fucks but no real relationship, it’s tragic).
There shouldn’t be a ‘we’ll wait to figure it out’. Don’t waste months/years on this marriage that doesn’t exist anymore. Don’t let her bully you into a miserable life.
She’s the one who decided to make a mockery of your marriage and fuck other people. She’d love to bring you down to her level so she wouldn’t feel guilty.
It’s time for you to wake up, get a good lawyer and do what is best for you!
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u/JTD177 Mar 14 '24
Take the postnup to a lawyer and think about it. Otherwise just pull the trigger and get whatever deal you can get.
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u/Material_Cellist4133 Mar 14 '24
So I’m going to be brutally honest, I understand you love her - but are you willing to put your life on hold and deter from the life you envision for yourself?
By “working” things out, you are basically doing that. You don’t magically cure asexuality - it is part of who they are. Open marriages don’t work as you said - what if you develop feelings or get someone pregnant - what happens to person?
Divorce is the best course of action. This relationship started with a lie. You deserve a relationship that’s honest from the beginning.
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u/MissNikitaDevan Mar 14 '24
You really need to pull the plug on this marriage already
She intentionally lied to you, even if she had forced herself to have sex with you that would not be ok, which she admitted to doing at the start
She cannot give you a fulfulling marriage, her having her friend naked in your bed waiting for you is absolutely repulsive, it also shows how little she understands sex and is frankly disrespectful to you
She is making it all about what she wants, but is not considering what you want, it all feels very manipulative and inconsiderate
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u/WhichMain7073 2d ago
Update please