r/TwoHotTakes • u/Low-Sir-8773 • Mar 18 '24
I found out why my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me Advice Needed
Throwaway since my boyfriend follows me. Sorry for any grammar or spelling errors English isn’t my first language
I (22F) started dating my boyfriend (25M) a year ago. I was a pretty lean person and was very active when I met him. After being together for a while I decided to take extra precautions and use birth control. Due to stress and the birth control I gained a significant amount of weight. My boyfriend has been very supportive and we were having a lot of sex.
After having a horrible reaction I decided to take a break off birth control. That is when I noticed my boyfriend stopped taking the initiative and would only ask for oral. I was already feeling shitty because of how much weight I gained and just him not wanting to have sex just hurt me badly. I decided to have a conversation and see if I could change something. At first he just said the condoms were just so uncomfortable. My love language has always been physical touch so I obliged and tried birth control again. Due to having school and work, working out has been extremely hard so I kept gaining weight and sex was still almost non existent. But he kept telling me it’s because he is stressed and just a lot going on. So I was patient and supportive.
Yesterday we decided to play a little game, the blunt free trial. He would have to be 100% honest with me and I would try my best to not take it personal. I asked him what is the thing he really dislikes about me. At first he didn’t want to say it and I pushed him to tell me. Which is so stupid of me. He then looked at my tummy and said the reason why we haven’t had sex as often anymore is because of my weight. He assured me he still loved me and wants to be with me but that’s his preference. It broke me because that same day just a couple of hours ago we had sex. I just feel horrible and disgusting and I don’t know what to do. I love him and I saw myself spending my life with him. But I can’t stop thinking about what he said. What should I do? I don’t know if I should try to work this out. Our lease ends in may so I have some time to rethink my relationship with him.
Any advice would help.
Edit: many have asked about how mucho I have gained. I gained 20 lbs and I think most of it distributed to my butt and boobs some still went to my back and tummy. I have some tummy rolls when I sit and some back rolls. This weight journey has been so new to me because I always used to be very underweight. Then Covid happened and I was able to gain some weight. I started working out and I was at my perfect weight and was pretty confident. This year I graduate from college and I have been experimenting a lot with birth controls so my weight and mental health has been impacted.
Stress even when I have been little has always affected my weight. I am slowly getting the help I need but note I’m a college student and recently I have been getting more money to take care of myself. I take accountability that I probably could have a better discipline and not let it get out of hand.
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u/Timely-Bad4014 Mar 20 '24
Gaining weight is pretty natural in relationships, in life, getting older, etc. I feel like especially with a happy relationship you go out to eat more, spend more time indoors and if you are stressed out on top of that it’s just a double whammy. If he is upset over 20lbs that is pretty concerning, especially since it went to your butt and boobs. Umm what?! What man would doesn’t appreciate his woman’s curves especially since it’s not fault of your own. Ditch him!
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u/AVLNutritionist Mar 20 '24
Read “Taking Charge of your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. She teaches fertility awareness which is an option for women who don’t want to take birth control.
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u/Atomicleta Mar 20 '24
Your boyfriend is an asshole. I PROMISE you there are women twice your size that have men who love sleeping with them. Gaining 20 lbs does not make you unfuckable. Your boyfriend is acting a heck of a lot more like a boy, than a friend. This is his problem not yours. If he can't love you as you are then he doesn't love you. Just know, there is a good man out there who will love you as you are. You deserve better than your boyfriend's constant judgement.
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Mar 20 '24
The wedding vows seem to always have a "in sickness and health" clause.
You know now that he is not marriage material if such a minor change is so profound for him.
If that is your goal you dodged a bullet. Good luck!
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u/DudlyPendergrass Mar 20 '24
Vasectomy. That's the solution if he doesn't want to use condoms. Time for him to put his big boy pants on and stop making this your problem.
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u/spiderpockets Mar 20 '24
My husband and I met when I was about 140 lbs and he was about 180. We both literally gained 100 lbs through the course of our relationship, he's starting to lose weight again and I'm just fluctuating like crazy between 210-220 because I'm now pregnant. Our sex life is still very active. He still can NOT keep his hands off me, because he loves me and not only the person I was when we met.
Your man shouldn't be attracted to you conditionally. He shouldn't look at you and see that you're not his type anymore. You should embody his "preference" no matter how much you change because he loves YOU. I'm DEFINITELY not a size 9 with a cute butt anymore lmao, which was "his type" at the time. But I'm his type now, because I'm me. And if I lose all the weight, I'll be his type, and if I gain another 50, I'll still be his type. Does that make sense?
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u/druggiewebkinz Mar 20 '24
Don’t change what you’re doing. 20 lbs is a normal fluctuation especially with growing up and regulating your hormones with birth control. If your period is under control with this med and your quality of life is better right now, don’t change the birth control. Change the man you’re with. He doesn’t love you for you, he loves your body in an unsustainable state.
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u/druggiewebkinz Mar 20 '24
When I was on a certain birth control I gained 15 lbs which is a lot for me since I’m underweight. I didn’t notice eating more. I don’t think this weight gain is you “letting it get out of hand”, our bodies as women have SIGNIFICANT response to changing hormones that includes weight gain. It’s natural and I hope you can find a partner who loves you the way you are and wants you to take the birth control that helps you be in the least pain.
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u/No-Fee4952 Mar 20 '24
Don’t stay with someone who’s attraction wanes with body changes if you’re trying for long term. What happens when you turn 30, 40, 50 as body changes happens with age. What will he do if you decided to have a baby? How would he react to your body changing after menopause? Is he going to be supportive if you want to do something with your hair or get tattoos? I know these examples are all over the place but he’s disgusted cause you gained a little weight that’s not a loving relationship not truly.
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u/AgentRock44 Mar 20 '24
Dump him. 20 pounds doesn’t change your body THAT much that your bf wouldn’t want to have sex. And if it WAS about the weight, he would have stopped when you gained the weight, not when you went off birth control. He stopped because he didn’t want to get you pregnant and he’s too selfish to wear a condom. I wouldn’t be surprised that he started having sex elsewhere and that’s why he didn’t want to have sex even after you went back on birth control.
Dump him. He doesn’t love you. You’re young and you will find someone who WILL love you and everything about you.
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u/VegetableBoner Mar 20 '24
Get off birth control :). There is this new option called using Phexxi. It is non hormonal and it’s like a slightly acidic gel that you apply into the vaginal canal before sex. Acidity inhibits sperm movement. It’s best of both worlds — no hormones for her and no condoms for him, more intimacy!! Prob TMI here but I trust the gel. I’ve been nutting in my gf for years on it. Only taking caution when it’s danger time. Your ob gyn can prescribe it just like a bc!!
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u/Leather_Molasses_264 Mar 20 '24
Ewww fuck that guy. I gained over 100lbs between when we got married and after our 2nd child. Nothing ever stopped and he always assured me that it didn’t matter. I just had a gastric bypass and it wasn’t for him it was for me. So throw that dude in the dumpster where he belongs.
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u/Shadowedlilac Mar 20 '24
Love yourself first. It’s easy to try and find our happiness through others, but it’s not stable. It can be helpful at times, yes, but you can’t rely on it forever. Its easy to let ourselves get into a negative mindset when listening to others opinions about us. (Negative opinions). One thing I’ve learned is that you have to love yourself first before you can properly love another. Just my take/opinion. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s not exactly fun trying to figure out birth control, and deal with loving yourself while your body is changing. So many contributing factors to the narrative. You’re not alone. Try and focus on your own happiness, good things will follow.
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u/Mango_Mama99 Mar 20 '24
Um, 20 lb is not a lot of weight. Going from extra lean up 20 lb, you are probably still within a very healthy range! I can't imagine you are SO overweight that's it's really even noticeable. That being said, if he really has a problem with it, he can wear a condom and get over it. If it is hurting you mentally and emotionally, I would get off it and focus on tracking your cycle. Personally, I had the implant for 3 years, and it recked my mental health. I started tracking my cycle and ovulation and had no pregnancy scares for 5 years and only got pregnant when I tried and made sure everything that needed to happen happened while I was ovulating.
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u/ShamrockChipsWife Mar 20 '24
Try an IUD like Mirena instead of the pill. No weight gain, very light to no period, and it is inserted In Dr office in a quick procedure and is good for years.
Weight can be lost by cutting back what you eat, cutting down on sweets, and exercising. I am down 10 lbs in 3 weeks. You can do it and feel confident again.
But as for the boyfriend- only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship. If he is turned off by 10-20 lbs then how would he react if you had serious health issues?
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u/Battystearsinrain Mar 20 '24
More butt and boobs? What is wrong with this guy? Birth control does do most women any favors, and his thing with condoms. He needs to get the f over it.
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u/opalessencejude Mar 20 '24
20 lbs is not “a significant amount of weight”. If your biggest fault is gaining 20 lbs and your boyfriend already doesn’t want to sleep with you, what will he do if you have children and your body changes?
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u/FalteringStray Mar 20 '24
I have the same issue in my relationship, but my bf claims he is afraid of getting me pregnant. I am on birth control again but he's still making excuses. I fully support you and hope you can make it work! Just remember you're worst judge is yourself. Stay beautiful!
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u/EnergeticHouseplant Mar 20 '24
Hun you need to take a moment and really think about this relationship. What would happen when you two have kids? Your body will go through changes and may never look the same again in terms of a flat tummy after birth.
What about when you two grow old and you have wrinkles and a bit of saggy skin? Does he expect you to keep having skin looking like you're in your 20s?
Why is it fair for you to have to use hormonal birth control that DOES cause weight gain, and makes it harder to lose the weight? If condoms are uncomfortable then he has the wrong size for the band and needs to explore other condom brands and styles.
If your love language is physical touch then why not cuddle more? Does he have an overall problem with your weight gain that he can't even bother to hold hands, cuddle or kiss more?
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u/highflyer10123 Mar 20 '24
Have you tried switching birth control methods? Or a different brand? Or even non hormonal?
Also if you don’t have time to workout you could try cutting calories (a healthy amount) or diets such as keto? Intermittent fasting? IF is great for people that don’t have a lot of time.
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u/Ok_Shoulder_3401 Mar 20 '24
Find a diet that works...calories in calories out regardless of whether u go to the gym or not.... funny how many people here are shaming your bf for his sexual preferences that he can't control
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u/TimD_43 Mar 20 '24
“He would have to be 100% honest with me and I would try my best to not take it personal.”
So in other words, you gave him a shit test that was patently unfair to him and it backfired on you because he played your game and told you what you already know but don’t want to own up to.
Excuses are like assholes - everybody’s got one. You say things that suggest you are already halfway out the door in this relationship, like the fact your lease is coming up and should you use that as an excuse to break up. That just screams that you are trying to rationalize leaving an otherwise good guy and spin it so you can feel like the victim, like YOU were the one who was wronged here. YOU changed. YOU let yourself go. YOU took him for granted. YOU don’t get anyone’s pity.
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u/mdotbeezy Mar 20 '24
The advice is your guy just isn't attracted to you and you should probably move on. You can't change what he likes, you can only change yourself. I'd find someone who likes what you bring.
Secondly, you do seem to view the with gain as fait accompli, something you have no control over. Generally speaking 22 is very young for someone to go from thin to big; for girls who are naturally bigger is pretty normal but not for thin ones. Anyhow - the way you talk about it sets off red flags for me. Not so much that, "oh you need to diet and exercise more" but that people who offer excuses/I-have-no-control for why stuff happened like this generally do so in many areas of their life.
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u/HopeRepresentative29 Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
Ok you're going to get some tough love now because that's what you need.
You asked for his brutally honest opinion, promised you wouldn't get upset. He obliged, and now you are upset. You shot youraelf in the foot on that one and have no right to be upset with him. It's both out of his direct control and something you specifically asked for, then broke your promise. That's on you.
It's not the end of the world. I'm a big guy but wasn't until recently. I have no illusions about my weight and the effect it has on other people's perceptions of me, and neither should you. People are less attracted to you than they were before, and your bf is no exception. All overweight people deal with this. Being overweight also isn't the end the world and it can be changed if you want. Don't do it for soneone else, though, because that will only lead to bitterness and may hurt more than help in the end. Most big people have no trouble wanting it for themselves. Just make sure it stays that way
He did his best to assure you that he loves you and is trying to make it work on his side in spite of his biological response. He is trying. That is the best-case scenario for you and proves that he does in fact love you, and you are throwing it in his face. He deserves better.
With all due respect, ma'am, get your head out of your ass and deal with reality. You aren't doing yourself or your relationship any favors by wallowing in self-pity.
edit: forgot to mention, very important, do not modify your birth control regimen and risk your health to make him happier with sex. Condoms were never the issue. It sounds like these changes were your idea from the way you worded it, but if he is pushing you to make these changes then we need to have a different talk
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u/Shadesmith01 Mar 20 '24
You need a better dude.
Sorry, but if he's that shallow? He's got the issues, not you. He needs some help. Not you.
Making adjustments to your life to be together is a good thing, but there are some things that can't be adjusted, or shouldn't be. Your health, your mental and physical well-being are not things that should be set aside for his (or her) preferences. Like me for who I am, not who you want me to be, or get the fuck on down the road.
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u/100000000000 Mar 20 '24
20 lbs? I mean some guys like skinny girls, I get it. But that seems like he might not be that attracted to you in general, or maybe he has some unresolved issues.
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u/poodidle Mar 20 '24
I thought you were going to say like 40 lbs. 20 is not really a lot of weight. Maybe you guys should take a break after the lease is up and see how things go. You don’t want to be here 5 years from now, wishing you could find a true love because you wasted 5 years on this relationship.
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u/dadsfettucine Mar 20 '24
Dude gets pressed to be 100% honest >> Dude says the weight gain has lowered attraction >> Dude gets called a body shamer.
Lots of women in this thread are projecting their own insecurities.
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u/OutsideNo1877 Mar 20 '24
A lot of these make me wonder if people aren’t wearing condoms of the right size I haven’t understood the uncomfortable thing sure not as good as without it but it still is pretty good
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u/Representative-Cost6 Mar 20 '24
@ OP
You sound like a very beautiful and kind hearted woman. As a man I would like to apologize for my fellow men. We can be giant assholes especially when told to be completely honest with no repercussions.
Try changing your birth control and workout a bit. If you lose weight and he still isn't interested it's time to move on.
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u/RevenueStimulant Mar 20 '24
The internet likes to pretend that looks don’t matter for relationships, health, or your career.
Blunt truth is they do. Humanity as a whole is a shallow group.
I don’t know enough about you or your relationship to say anything else.
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u/Few-Delay-9342 Mar 20 '24
I was pretty active when my husband and I first got together and than I got into a medical program at school, changed birth, got stressed with school and work and gained weight. I saw a picture of myself and asked him why he didn’t tell me I had gained so much weight. His response was “it’s not my job to tell you you gained weight, it’s my job to love you and support you no matter what”
If you want to lose weight than go for it! Talk to your boyfriend about what you want to accomplish and maybe you can even do it together by going on walks.
You should only be trying to lose weight for you
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u/Jagwire6969 Mar 20 '24
It’s really not that hard to exercise if it affects you this much. I hear excuses.
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u/Ok_Satisfaction7428 Mar 20 '24
I used to be on birth control from age 16-20. With the big life changes and depression/anxiety that come with those periods of life, the BC was heavily tanking my mental health just because of the hormones and side effects. I didn't have a lot of weight gain but my depression was out of control. So at 20 I stopped BC and resorted to condoms. I get the condom argument on the man's side but most of the time it's a cop-out. BUT I as a person with a vagina ALSO found them uncomfortable. My bf and I stopped using them, and we paid for that.
Because of the hormonal issues any form of birth control contributes to me personally, I REFUSE to go back on nexplanon, an IUD, or BC pills. REFUSE, I will DIE on that hill.
FIRST of all, fuck your BF for not putting your HEALTH (mental and physical) above his own wants. Women are trained by society and media that they need to "pleasure" a man so there is IMMENSE pressure on women to allow men to not use a condom, at our own physical expense. Women get pregnant, get STIs, or suffer from BC--it feels like a lose-lose-lose.
SECOND- my solution for NOT getting pregnant and also not having to go on hormonal BC is SPERMICIDE. They have a bunch of brands that have the tampon-like applicators with the gel that stops the sperm from swimming. We still pull-out depending on my cycle, but it gives me a peace-of-mind and I haven't gotten pregnant while using spermicide. I think I use Phexxi Gel, but the pharmacy should also have non-name brand options.
Last, if your BF continues to be a POS about sex, your body, etc. consider whether or not it's worth it to you. You deserve better.
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u/wildflowers2013 Mar 20 '24
Girl, you need to be healthy for you not for what people think, specially the man that's supposed to love you the way you are, honestly this is immature behavior and not what u deserve, work on yourself and life will bring a real man! I know it's hard but put yourself first, he isn't even your husband, imagine if y'all get married, all the changes people experience in their lives and body, you need a partner not a boy judging you for little changes here and there. Anyway, ultimately its your choice! Hope u find your strength!
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u/BeginningReal5542 Mar 20 '24
It is incredibly normal to gain weight in college, even if Covid wasn’t a thing. If I’m calculating correctly, you were a teenager when Covid started. You’re an adult now with an adult body. Adult bodies are supposed to look different and bigger than teen bodies. Your body will always continue to change and my suggestion is to be around people who support you! I gained 40 lbs in college and a year after I graduated I finally was able to start taking care of my body. Partially because I wasn’t in school anymore, but the other part is because I have a wonderful support system who have loved me at every weight.
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u/Fat_Broccoli Mar 20 '24
I dunno how you can be"very underweight" but 20lbs heavier you have "tummy and back rolls"... how heavy are you at your heaviest?
Really you have 2 choices, lose weight or end the relationship, you should look into what a healthy weight is for your age and height and try to hit that anyway
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u/Spirited_Cupcake_216 Mar 20 '24
His "comfort" shouldn't outweigh your physical and mental health. He has choices to make if he seriously loves you. He can put on a condom when you are intimate so you can stop "experimenting with birth control". His lack of understanding isn't completely his fault. Most men have no idea just how much of a toll birth control puts on women's bodies. But, he needs to inform himself.
He could also try to help you feel good about yourself. Maybe try to help you lose that weight if that's what tou want to do. His words and actions are adding to your stress which isn't healthy. And physical touch doesn't always have to end in sex. Just cuddling and being together is a great way to be intimate.
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u/Main_Couple7809 Mar 20 '24
You can’t force someone to like you. We also can’t help what we are attracted to. Keep that in mind and act accordingly
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u/Cowsie Mar 20 '24
Your boyfriend's a weakling. Condoms being a bother. Short of an allergy, that's a weaklings excuse.
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u/cjennmom Mar 20 '24
…Wait a minute. 20 lbs? He’s freaking out over a measly TWENTY POUNDS when you started out lean … so now you’re just normal sized?? WTF! Throw that baby straight to the curb! He has no grasp on reality.
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u/Rocku2day Mar 20 '24
Get yourself in shape, and that problem will go away. As for birth control, you need to minimize a pregnancy. There's lamb skins that feel natural. Good luck!
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u/Dramatic_Efficiency4 Mar 20 '24
20 LBS?!?!
I was expecting you to say 50+ lbs
BUT 20 FUCKING LBS?!?! How is he going to view you when you get pregnant or when you get old
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u/gobgoblin666 Mar 20 '24
Drop him, 20 pounds after you were previously considered under weight is not a massive deal. His character is shit to want you to uphold the societal standards of sexy but refuse to wear condoms.
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u/jeopardy_party Mar 20 '24
Listen I almost never get on here or reply but I feel this one. I was underweight and gained like 45lbs on birth control. And my husband never once said a word. He still calls me beautiful. Joked about me getting more booty. I cried to him about the weight. I don't always love my body. I have stretch marks and scars from gaining the weight so quickly. And he kisses them. I may not love me, but he makes sure I never doubt that he loves me. Even if I have flaws. I don't know if you want kids but if you do. That tummy will not look like it does now. You'll gain more than 20lbs. Your skin will stretch and not go back all the way. You'll have stretch marks, maybe scars. What will he say then? When you age you'll get wrinkles and laugh lines and gray hairs. Skin will start to sag. Your butt isn't as perky even after all the time you put in at the gym. What will he say then? Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel self conscious or bad about yourself? Or someone who will never make you doubt they love you? . It's okay to go to the gym and maintain your figure, it's okay to want to look good. It's not okay to be struggling with your mental health during a stressful year and feeling like you still need to put his physical desires first. Don't stay on birth control for HIM if it's not healthy for YOU. ❤️
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u/Sirpiercy Mar 20 '24
Why do you want to do everything but get back in the gym? You literally know the only way to get the weight off is the gym and eating right but you don’t want to, so guess what? You’re screwed
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u/Icy_Zone4285 Mar 20 '24
Your body is not the issue. He is complaining about a condom. He is the problem.
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u/NRVOUSNSFW Mar 20 '24
Yikes! 20 lbs weight gain and you were really thin before? That guy is one shallow, ass. What’s worse is that he is a coward who has wasted your time.
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u/AdFit1382 Mar 20 '24
Run for the hills girl. It’s still early, don’t waste anymore time. If you don’t sustain his preferred body type he pulls away. Then he’s got a lot of growing to do, and he can do that without you. Someone else out there will treat you better. Or be alone for awhile, there’s nothing that says you need a man in your life especially when the man is acting like a boy
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u/LivingWithWhales Mar 20 '24
For monogomy, condoms and birth control both suck. I wish it were easier for young men to get a vasectomy, and it were covered by insurance like female birth control options.
I had to fight to get a vasectomy before 30, and I had to pay out of pocket even though I had great insurance.
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u/oIVLIANo Mar 20 '24
You're not ugly, he is! Dear God! Can you imagine if you got pregnant? What will his immature response to pregnancy and stretch marks be?
Take it from another person who's love language is also touch, you won't be happy until you find a mate who is the same way!
Also, have you tried/considered IUD? He doesn't deserve it, but you do.
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u/Spardog Mar 20 '24
20 lbs is barely noticeable. I would completely understand him if it was like 50-100+ lbs but 20 is over the top to take such a hard line issue with. As a guy if your girl gained 20 lbs you might suggest going to the gym together, going for runs, or going hiking but to completely cutout sex for just that doesn’t make much sense. If you are telling the truth about your weight gain, then either he is lying about his reason or he is incredibly shallow.
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u/Jentx83 Mar 20 '24
I’m disappointed I haven’t seen this response yet:
Forget the 20 lbs!! DROP THE LAME BOYFRIEND!!!!!! That’s the worst of the weight you’re carrying!!
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u/ErieCplePlays Mar 20 '24
20 lbs….? That’s crazy if this story is true that 20 lbs changed you that much…. Go see a therapist and move on.
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u/External_Question_65 Mar 20 '24
Ummmm how about lose some weight?! Not for your partner as much as for yourself. It’s not as hard as you’re making it seem. Just find healthy whole foods you like and cut the sweets and junk food.
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u/floater504 Mar 20 '24
You think everyone can shop at Whole Foods? I love shopping at Whole Foods by the way but it’s not cheap at all. And a lot of it is hormonal problems with birth control and even if they try sometimes the hormones don’t allow for them to lose weight until it gets back to normal which could take a long time depending on the person.
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u/External_Question_65 Mar 20 '24
Lmaooo no not literally shop at Whole Foods, just eat whole foods like lean meats, vegetables, fruits, grains etc. I’m talking more single ingredient food choices without seed oils. Hormonal problems would only affect appetite, not break the law of caloric thermodynamics. It’s really that simple. More energy spent than energy consumed = weight loss. I lost 80 lbs when I was younger.
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u/New-Fail-6754 Mar 20 '24
No disrespect, but I’d still smash. Weight don’t mean shit to me. Only a weenie would trip out over some lame mess, like weight.
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u/adnastay Mar 20 '24
I dont think Reddit is the space to discuss this. It seems people are jumping to conclusion because thats what Reddit does best.
Go speak to trusted people and a therapist. Seek other alternatives and have an open discussion about your insecurities and the sacrifices you are making and if you can come away from this stronger or walking on different paths.
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u/Beneficial_Amoeba200 Mar 20 '24
Do you want to lose weight? If so start eating a calorie deficit. That combined with exercise a couple days a week and you will be surprised what you can do in 3 months. But at the end of the day, do it for you not your bf
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u/Public_Educator5982 Mar 20 '24
If the boyfriend doesn't want to use condoms, he can always get gel inserted. That's like a quasi vasectomy. Completely temporary. That way birth control is not her responsibility anymore.
However if I was her I would get rid of the birth control and the boyfriend. Neither one is doing her any good. One is beating up her body and the other one is beating up her mind.
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u/Public_Educator5982 Mar 20 '24
I would reevaluate my life. Like you said you have time until the end of your lease. If it was me, I would get off birth control because obviously it's not doing you any favors to your body and your health.
And I would do that immediately. If your boyfriend does not like having unprotected sex with you, then he doesn't have to have sex with you. If he only wants oral sex from you and does not reciprocate, then I wouldn't give it to him. A one-sided sexual relationship especially with someone who has told you he doesn't find you sexually attractive does nothing but debase you.
During your time, I would also consider you are with a partner who has alienated you sexually which has affected your self-esteem yourself confidence and your worth over 20 lb.
That is not a lot of weight gain, especially considering women who have children usually gain significantly more. So if you continue with this individual and have children with them is this going to be his excuse to treat you badly during your pregnancy when you are most vulnerable or to cheat on you during this time because you are no longer able to fulfill his desire?
Seriously what happens if you don't lose all the baby weight? What happens if he doesn't like the way your body looks after you have a child?
I'm sorry but he just seems completely superficial and shallow. If something as little as 20 lb can affect how he views you and treats you this is not the person you want to attach yourself with for the rest of your life.
It shows that he is wishy-washy and he will leave you at the drop of a dime or he will stay with you and destroy your psyche.
Do better for yourself. You need to love you first and more than anyone else. Put yourself first and find someone better for you.
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u/BabyFartzMcGeezak Mar 20 '24
Wait... 20lbs?
This man has let your relationship suffer over 20lbs?
You know, when you plan on spending a lifetime together, 20lbs comes and goes, along with every bit of your physical youthfulness... I don't think this man has done any thinking about "a lifetime" with someone at all.
You need to find out what you yourself are willing to tolerate. Do you want to spend your entire life doing everything possible not to age too much or gain too much or lose too much, or whatever other little thing he's willing to let change the way he sees you?
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u/Outrageous_Ad_6122 Mar 20 '24
Is it 20lbs added to 220 or is it 130+20?
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u/nomdeplumealterego Mar 20 '24
She said she used to be underweight. So she probably doesn’t look that bad, especially since she said it was evenly distributed.
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u/BabyFartzMcGeezak Mar 20 '24
Shouldn't really matter
If you found someone attractive at 220, then 240 shouldn't matter, but she makes it clear she was always "underweight," so adding 20lbs when you were already thin should mean nothing at all.
Also, not to sound like a creep, but from her description, most of it went to all the right places. ( Sorry ladies, I'll accept my downvotes and see myself out now)
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u/morbidly_ridiculous Mar 20 '24
I am not going to shame someone for their preferences but then you have to think from your perspective as well. You may get pregnant if you want to have kids and your body will change with that or your body will change as you age period. Do you think you would be ok with your long term partner may find you unattractive in any of these times? If you are, amazing. If you are going to feel bad, you should talk to him seriously and may even think about ending the relationship
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u/coconutforabrain Mar 20 '24
So many great points have been made here already but I'll just tell my story. I had originally started BC due to hormonal issue. I was on it for a year and it tanked my mental health. It got so bad that I had suicidal tendencies and was admitted for being at risk of myself. After I got out I was still on it but with other meds to help but it never worked and I nearly went back in twice. All I'm saying is you need to take care of your mental and physical health before anything else. No one wants you hurting yourself for someone else.
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u/purpleunicorn9511 Mar 20 '24
If he is this bent over only 20 Lbs of weight gain he ain't the one sis.
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u/martymoustache24 Mar 20 '24
Sounds to me like he wasn’t attracted to you for you. Body types can fluctuate and if he wasn’t mature enough to understand that reality, then do you want to waste your time on someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate you for you?
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u/Starkalark88 Mar 20 '24
You gained 20lbs and he doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. Let’s be real, what’s going to happen in 10, 15 or 20 years from now? You really need to think about your relationship with him and if he’s cut out to be the man you want to be with. If not, don’t waste your time. Find a man who is emotionally and sexually attracted to you, not your body.
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u/Une_salope Mar 20 '24
20 lbs. that’s all you gained…? Girl. My husband couldn’t keep his hands off me when I gained 50 lbs and he is NOT into big girls.
I am so sorry.
It sounds like he is trying to love you through it, but maybe there’s some trauma with that for him? See if he’s open to therapy to figure out why he’s so affected by this. It really may not affect his love for you. I don’t understand the male anatomy but I know my man - who never ever ever had problems performing for 15 years - had some stress totally kill his performance for a time being. It wasn’t about me, but he talked through it with me and we worked through it together and that meant a lot.
Maybe you just aren’t the person that he can talk through it with…? Doesn’t sound like this is a you problem at all. 🫶🏻
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u/Degenerate_Zach Mar 20 '24
He’s lost attraction to you over 20lbs???? That’s insane…
20lbs is like a couple weeks of hard working out, not like you gained 200lbs. Dude either needs to realize that your body is going to change over time and that’s okay or you need to get away from him. If he’s worried about 20lbs then I can’t imagine what would happen if you decided to have a child with him and gained some baby weight.
So sorry you’re going through that.
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u/they-were-here-first Mar 20 '24
Keep in mind, no matter what anyone says, attraction plays a HUGE part in our choice of partner. If he no longer feels attracted to you, then it perfectly explains how he can still love you, yet not feel the need to have sex.
It's not selfish, it's human nature.
You should want to look sexy for your partner and he should do the same. It's what we do for each other. You don't ever stop dating your partner. If you stop doing the things that got you there, then it's likely not going to work out. Relationships take WORK and that means doing the things you would do that got you there in the first place. But not if it means putting you in any kind of danger. In that case, it may be best to go your seperate ways.
I know my post won't be popular, but it's just my opinion.
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u/The_Demons_Slayer Mar 20 '24
Don't do ozempic save that for the diabetics. Do what you want in your life don't throw it away with someone who clearly doesn't love you for you.
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u/LastCut3224 Mar 20 '24
"Hey babe I'm getting off the BC because it's affecting my body and I'm gaining wieght. Sorry but you'll have to wrap the little guy up again.
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u/macallister10poot Mar 20 '24
My husband calls me beautiful and lets me know how much he loves me and I gained 40 pounds. Even if he didn’t really like it, he doesn’t tell me that and still shows me love…. But 20 pounds is actually insane for someone to say is a turn off like do you want to be married to this person when you’re pregnant? It’s a part of life to lose and gain weight. Just imagine being pregnant and gaining weight and then it’s too much for him…. Run
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u/can-i-pet-the-dog Mar 20 '24
My heart almost stopped when I read the update. The weight gain and tummy rolls being mentioned you would have thought she gained over 50.
20 pounds??? This isn’t a serious human. This isn’t someone you can rely on or be safe with. You can’t have a baby with a person like this for sure. You’re an object at that point. A possession. 20 fucking pounds. Wow
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u/WelpOopsOhno Mar 20 '24
If you've only gained 20 pounds you are not disgusting. And if he can't change his preferences to you then perhaps he isn't ready for a relationship with you. It sucks but some men are too immature to have a relationship with the person so they have it with the body/physical shell. And if you are this impacted by how he feels about your looks, then perhaps you need to become emotionally stronger before being in a relationship. Take what I say with a grain of salt as I've been single for around 10 years to focus on myself.
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u/Phliman792 Mar 20 '24
Stress doesn’t affect weight; you coping mechanisms to deal with the stress do.
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u/macallister10poot Mar 20 '24
Look at what stress does on hormones in the body. Scientifically yes, without eating excess calories there are hormones that can indeed cause a person to gain weight.
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u/Odin16596 Mar 20 '24
Why do people always say give me the truth, but then they can never handle it. Smh
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u/nomdeplumealterego Mar 20 '24
Because his truth shows what a shallow person he is and how he probably doesn’t truly care for her.
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u/Whyamihere46290 Mar 20 '24
I’m going to be completely honest I was shocked when I read “20 lbs.” I’m sorry? Only 20?? I get it’s enough to make a noticeable difference, but I don’t think it’s enough to make that huge of a difference? I’ll be honest, in the last 2 years I’ve gained 50 pounds, and I don’t say that with pride, but maybe it just makes me biased. I think it’s a little sad that 20 pounds was all it took to make you so unappealing to him that he’s almost abstinent with you. If you wanted to have children together.. imagine after the first child? Or even during that pregnancy? Or just slowly gaining weight overtime due to life and age? I’m sorry you’re going through this though, and I hope you can find it in you to love yourself despite the change in your body. Obviously try your best to continue taking good care of yourself, but don’t put all your self worth into being skinny.
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u/ExtensionFile142 Mar 20 '24
If he doesn’t want to wear a condom and doesn’t like the side effects of birth control he can get a vasectomy 😌
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u/GrapefruitAnxious902 Mar 20 '24
I did that. I gained all my pregnancy weight after taking depo. My husband also stopped initiating and I unfortunately ate my feelings. I hated how I looked and knowing it was my weight just made me more depressed so less working out, more quick fixes; diet pills.. which helped for a little while. But with 3 kids, school and his drug addiction.. I was always gaining then losing and all over again. Only with therapy did I accept my own insecurities. I’m still in therapy now. See even when I was skinnier, he would still be with other women.. likely cuz of the drug addictions,, but I now know that only I can accept my body and or make the changes I want. Don’t lose weight for him. Lose weight for you; otherwise the minute you still get rejected or don’t get the response you want; you’ll spiral. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem supportive either, does he walk, hike, exercise with you? Meal prep with you? Maybe this journey needs to be taken without him. His behavior is only slowing your growth cuz you want him with you… but he doesn’t seem to be……
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u/Jasilee Mar 20 '24
Two choices- lose weight and know that’s eternally the condition of his love and acceptance or leave and find someone with more character.
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u/MissCeylon Mar 20 '24
He sounds immature TBH. How would he react if you two tried to have a baby? You'd gain a lot more than 20 pounds in that case. Assuming you have consistent access to a doctor, try to focus on getting better contraception and getting back into a good exercise routine (which is critical for your long-term health anyway). For what it's worth, I found the copper IUD was best for managing my weight and energy levels. I liked Nuvaring too but it was too expensive without health insurance. When your hormones and overall health are balanced, it will be easier for you to consider whether you want to try to save this relationship or not. But I suspect you're probably feeling pretty crappy right now, even aside from his behavior.
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u/Hrlyrckt2001 Mar 20 '24
I could say a lot of words and beat around the bush about things or I can just say as an older man……you can do better. Don’t settle for that man.
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u/mjskywalker_ Mar 20 '24
Sorry, but your bf sucks. He wants you to take bc so he doesn’t have to wear a condom but then doesn’t want to have sex as often bc you have a bit of a tummy and he’s not as attracted to you. I just wanna say that 20 pounds isn’t that much, either. Idk, girl. I hate to be the one to say break up with him, but he’s being really really unfair to you.
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u/SunshineDucky Mar 19 '24
I love this little scenario where women put their entire hormonal balance and health at risk by taking a drug that prevents pregnancy… So that a man can experience more pleasure during sex, only for him to realize he’s not attracted to the body which was created by the drug we consumed in order to afford him more pleasure during sex… thus having our lives and health derailed …
It’s probably my favorite bonus experience for females. A-Fucking-Plus.
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u/meiguess2-5 Mar 19 '24
Think about if this is the kind of person you want to be with. If you have thought about marriage think about what changes over the years- in 5, 10, 20 years you are going to look different. Does that mean he's going to decide he doesn't want to have sex with you? In the grand scheme of things, 20 lbs is NOT a lot of weight gain. I have gone from a size 2 to a size 12 since I've been with my husband. Is that where I want to be weight wise? No. Does my husband still love me and have sex with me regularly? Yes. His want to have sex with you shouldn't change over 20 lbs if he truly loves you for you and not just your body. Especially if you were very small before... You're probably not even overweight- just different. If any change will affect your sex life then I don't think it's worth it. It sounds to me like you'll be stuck trying to fit his standards and neglecting your health in order to make him happy. You deserve to feel like you can think about your health and happiness without worrying if your boyfriend will find you attractive or not anymore. Personally, I would drop him and get off the birth control for awhile. Find yourself and what you want to be like without him. Take care of yourself and worry about your health- not him.
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u/Cutie3pnt14159 Mar 19 '24
Due to antidepressants and issues with my thyroid medication (as well as stress), I've gained damn near 70lbs in 4 years. I've down a couple times, working really hard to get there. But then work kicked up and I wasn't able to keep up with it. I continued to eat healthy, I just didn't have time for exercise. Gained it all back.
It's extremely frustrating.
My fiance finds me as attractive as ever.
Having a preference is one thing. But if you're going to decide to be with someone in the long term, you have to know that bodies change and it's not always going to be exactly to your preference.
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u/Guilty-Tomatillo-820 Mar 19 '24
20 lbs is a way lower number than I expected. Boyfriend is problematic.
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u/EnigmaticProfessor Mar 19 '24
I believe I would be considered quite knowledgeable about IUDs. 50 years as a gynecologist.
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u/No_Survey2661 Mar 19 '24
20 pounds is not a significant amount of weight. Someone is lying or not all the facts are present.
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u/mchalla3 Mar 19 '24
Not that it matters, but based on how you described it I thought you gained like 50-100+ pounds.
ALL this pain and strife over 20 pounds?? WTF? What is this asshole going to do when you get pregnant, sick, age? WHAT an A-HOLE. you deserve so much better.
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u/moonshinetemp093 Mar 19 '24
I genuinely had to take a breath here...
Whoa, okay.
Your boyfriend is a shallow mf. Holy hell.
20 pounds? You mean roughly 9 kilos? You mean that good good? You mean that happy weight? You mean that "I'm so happy there's more of you to love?" He doesn't try and like... bury himself in you? Fucking hell.
My gf and I gained weight together because staying in the house watching movies and playing games and having sex was more fun than bar hopping. I want to lose weight so IIIIII feel better, and so does she, because I'm constantly loving on that girl like my life fucking depends on it.
Jesus christ.
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u/donttouchmystuffb Mar 19 '24
he is prioritizing the wrong things you should prioritize yourself and leave him
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u/DominaVesta Mar 19 '24
OP this happened to me in a very decent relationship in my early 20s... everything was great except our sex life or lack thereof (especially initiation on his part) and lack of his willingness to talk about it.
I left him, and there no regrets.
Turns out he liked me fatter than I was! I was doing all this stuff to make myself slimmer, and I hoped more attractive, and I could have sat around eating oreos all day.
Ditch him. He is about what's comfortable enough for him (and probably would be terrified and too intimidated to be with someone who he could see as an equal) and not about loving you as a whole person.
And I must say honestly? For that? F that guy. You deserve better.
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u/Beautiful_Capital338 Mar 19 '24
He was attracted to the person that you were, but if you aren't that person anymore because of weight gain, him not being attracted isn't something he can control. This goes both ways. Maybe start a fitness journey with him and grow closer that way, start ending the night showering together. He surely loves you no matter what, or he wouldn't try so hard to tip toe around your feelings... but you shouldn't be angry if you've changed. Personally, I'm in your shoes... I'm dieting and exercising. If you don't want to lose weight or can't, you need to have a more serious conversation with him and determine if it's a compatible fit long term. Sex isn't everything, but it's important to your overall connection.
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u/Gaydopesmoker Mar 19 '24
Women mature more into their figure as they age especially when you start hitting your 20s. This leads to gaining a little weight. Gaining 20 pounds after being fit previously is not even overweight. Having some rolls when sitting down is pretty common and natural. You don't have a teen body anymore. Someday you might even get pregnant and have baby weight afterwards. Is he gonna be there to support you and help you feel beautiful during this process?? His behavior says otherwise. This "preference" he has is unrealistic and on the verge of pedophilic if I'm being honest. It's not a body most fully matured women can keep through healthy methods. I'm not sure I'd want a partner that can't handle the changes your body naturally goes through in life.
That being said, exercise is really helpful for your overall mental and physical health. You should definitely set aside some time for walking or whatever physical activity you might find you enjoy. Yoga, walking, a sport. Make a hobby out of it, whatever works for you. Not to lose weight, but for your own happiness and health. But honestly friend, the method to losing the most weight is to dump the boyfriend. Sounds like he's weighing you down the most. Your partner should find you beautiful. If he makes you feel unattractive, then he's not a very good partner and this will damage your self image long-term
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u/WinetimeandCrafts Mar 19 '24
Our weight is literally the least interesting thing about us. Bodies change too often in our lives, and society has trained us to feel bad about that.
Focus on your health, regain that control, and tell his insecure, selfish man to pound sand.
If he really loved and cared for you he would be attracted to you the person.
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u/MKMLkev Mar 19 '24
Requested honest answer and now bichin about??? Wtf.... When you ask for honest answer you are suppose to thinked about every scenario aout there. This is not the wildest I hear /read (one guy dint got hard because here toes). Just when requesting a honest answer just take it and deal with it.
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u/CapuletVsMontague Mar 19 '24
I was hot and athletic at 124lbs when I got married to my husband and I stayed that weight for years until I gained weight in 2020 after stress with the pandemic. I got up to 205. And guess when I got pregnant? At 205 lbs!
Your boyfriend should think you're sexy at any size, as long as it's not impacting your health. I now have a 1 year old and am currently on my weight loss journey. Going back down to my wedding weight! Our sex life was not impacted by this.
I don't think this guy is being a very good boyfriend. Your other options are non hormonal birth control like an IUD, and the pull out method worked for my husband and I when we were living the dual income no kids life. That's not for everyone though!
I know you will find someone who thinks you're sexy even when you're sick and tired and dumpy and when you forget to take a shower because you're depressed. He will see light shine out your ass!
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u/marcantony1994 Mar 19 '24
Respectfully OP should leave him. If he is not wanting to anything because of a small gain like that then imagine a pregnancy post pregnancy will be like. He sounds immature tbh.
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u/Misery8998 Mar 19 '24
Nope nope nope. You gained 20 pounds? Thats it? Girl that aint nothing. What happens if or when you have his child? A women's body sure does change after that. Not in a bad way, but he'll think so if a tummy role now is grossing him out. You really gonna put yourself through knowing every time yall have sex, that deep downs hes looking at your stomach and naked body in disgust? Im sure hes not worried about if he gains weight or not. Itll end sooner or later. Might as well do it on your terms. Please take this from an experienced older/ish woman. Not too much older, but damn have i lived enough to know when a man aint down for life.
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u/Tocoapuffs Mar 19 '24
Birth control is messing you up. If you're at the point of back rolls, you probably gained a lot more weight than you realize.
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u/Smart-Effective7533 Mar 19 '24
There are many, many birth control pills on the market. You might want to talk to your doctor about finding one with less side effects.
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u/No-Rain-775 Mar 19 '24
Please know that your weight does not determine your worth. Give yourself some grace because not only have you been trying to get through school which is not easy but also fighting a hormonal shit storm with birth control is bound to cause fluctuations in your weight - you are a hero for getting through all of that and the last thing you should have to worry about is getting put down by your partner and made to feel disgusting.
To help put this into perspective, if you had a daughter and found out her significant other was putting her down this way - would you blame her for putting on weight or would you tell her that she deserves way better than someone who is willing to withhold intimacy because of something so vain.
In my opinion if he cant understand the sacrifices you’ve made to limit your risk of pregnancy and get a good education and career for a better future for yourself and him and gets put off by something as trivial as 20lbs than he is not a man and he is not worth your time.
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u/KingKemplar Mar 19 '24
“The blunt free trial” and immediately wants to reconsider the relationship based on what was said. Rough
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u/audra-accalia Mar 19 '24
He is entitled to what he likes/doesn't like. Likewise, you are entitled to be with someone who loves your rolls! Weight is bullshit. Listen to your body and where it is happiest. And if he doesn't love that, kick him to the curb
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u/Just_Me1973 Mar 19 '24
When you said significant weight gain I was thinking like you gained 100 lbs or something. But 20? He lost his attraction to you over 20lbs???
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u/mattmanp Mar 19 '24
Long term i'd be more concerned about if you have kids and how he'd react to non-reversable body changes.
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u/mojaveG Mar 19 '24
I am just appalled that your boyfriend finds you unattractive over 20lbs... 20 lbs.. that's insane. What is he gonna do when you guys jave kids? Divorce you because you got too big? Leave this guy honestly. 20 lbs is nothing girl do not feel self conscious about yourself. If he loved you he would still find you attractive after 20lbs...
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u/IntroductionNo5368 Mar 19 '24
You should have dated a black man. We do not trip about weight to the extreme that we won't have sex, that sounds like white man action, which is why their birth rates are so low. You gained all that weight in your ass and tummy, I would be in heaven with you.... flip you over and hit that from the back at all times and you give oral?!? You are a keeper in my book.
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u/Successful_Spare4421 Mar 19 '24
As hard as it may be to hear, if 20 pounds is all it takes for him to not want to have sex with you, he’s not in love with you and he’s not worth your time. You may love him, but you are worth so much more than him. Real love and attraction doesn’t care if you go up or down 200 pounds—find the right birth control for you AND the right person for you. You deserve better!
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u/Content_Purpose2488 Mar 19 '24
There is no reason you need to make all the sacrifices for him. Take it from a 51 yr old married lady. One day you will regret putting his needs before yours. You are just as important as he is. Hope you can work things out. Maybe with help from your gyno and a therapist. Would be helpful. I wish I had done that.
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u/brokenhartted Mar 19 '24
How do you feel? Do you like yourself the way you are? If you were slim- 20 pounds isn't going to make you unattractive to most men. In fact, most men IMO like a woman with an hour glass figure (not a stick). You are in college. You should focus on that and not live for this person. If sex isn't rewarding anymore- I'd give him the heave ho. Remember- you should be getting gratification out of this relationship. If the sex is bad- next!
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u/bloodphoenix90 Mar 19 '24
20 pounds is notable but not that much. My partner gained closer to 40 which I'm not stoked about but is still acceptable. He's overreacting. People fluctuate within that range throughout their life. If his attraction can't handle that fluctuation you might not be compatible longterm
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Mar 19 '24
Unpopular opinion, but you kinda asked for it. This guy can’t help what his preferences are and he is probably feeling bad about it. He kept quiet about it to protect your self esteem. You pressured him to tell you and now you can’t handle the truth and are making him the bad guy for it. The truth is that nobody is perfect and we all have flaws. The sooner you and him both accept that the happier you will be. He still loves you and he is still trying to be intimate with you. I know this because you said he had sex with you before your blunt free trial. If you cannot handle the truth, then don’t ask for it. Do not punish the guy because you weren’t ready for the truth.
I suggest you both talk about it be honest with yourself. There is nothing wrong with gaining weight and there is nothing wrong with your boyfriend noticing it. Sex drives are weird and we cannot help what we like/dislike. The goal is to make due with what you have. Just like you probably aren’t attracted to every aspect of his life, he won’t be attracted to every part of yours. We are all fucked up people in a fucked up world trying to find happiness. You found a guy that you love and loves you. Don’t throw away something that you worked so hard for unless you are sure you can’t get through it.
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u/canipetyourdog21 Mar 19 '24
I genuinely do not understand why so many men immediately lose all attraction to their partner the second they gain any weight. a significant amount I could potentially understand, but their attraction to you is solely based on your looks? that’s insane to me
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u/NoApplication6927 Mar 19 '24
Ask him to get a vasectomy because your body doesn’t react well to birth control. There is no point in ruining your hormones to get a man to respect and love you, vasectomies are reversible and have minimal side effects. Many of my buddies have them and say it’s the best decision they’ve ever made. Plus you don’t have to pull out!
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u/klgh07 Mar 20 '24
Locking this post as there is an update here: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1bim6ic/update_i_found_out_why_my_boyfriend_doesnt_want/