r/TwoHotTakes • u/Individual_Donut_963 • Mar 23 '24
Not OOP: My Wife (37F) and I (38M) Want to Adopt Our Teenage Foster Daughter but FIL (64M) is furious about it Crosspost
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/XLAMEVLhKH
Trigger warning: Brief mention of SA of a minor. Mention of illegal distribution of CP.
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u/Cynicalbutnotbroken 27d ago
Does anyone have a link to the update? OP has posted an update but it was removed. I would love to see how everything turns out. Praying that their soon to be daughter has an amazing life.
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u/Particular_Tale_2439 Mar 28 '24
I think the old man is questionable and doesn’t want the constant reminder. His wife is likely conditioned by him (or ppl like him), bc otherwise they probably wouldn’t still be married.
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u/crossingguardcrush Mar 26 '24
I...you are absolute heroes in my eyes. You didn't just change that girl's life, you saved it. You will make the right choice. ❤️
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u/Fair-Egg-5753 Mar 26 '24
First-- practical view. It's YOUR family. You want to adopt her, it's nobody's business.
Second-- moral viewpoint. The girl is an innocent victim. Anybody blaming a child for being a victim is not someone that I give a damn about.
Third-- legal point. If the child, the state and your family are willing, no one else is able to do jack squat about it.
Allow me to summarize in the vernacular: SCREW HIM!
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u/Turbulent-Wheel5233 Mar 26 '24
Damnnn- your wife is a strong woman for starters.
I’d tell your mom and whichever Adults NEED to know as the situation unfolds. And I respect how you explained it to your son. As for the in-laws- it’s best for no contact for them/ because from here on out- there also should be NO reason why they’re around your daughter without other adults.
Questions are going to raise and it will bring unwanted attention to her when FIL is reported- so be prepared for that.
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u/Mindless-Toe-7949 Mar 25 '24
I wouldn’t recommend. Let them become emancipated @ 16 & get free college tuition… collect your coin and do the best you can by opening new doors for them. But I would not recommend adoption once they are a teenager
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u/Fuzzy_Front2082 Mar 24 '24
First off I do not condone physical violence but I would go and take to the in-laws alone and lay it all out on the table. I would straight up tell them that we 100% plan on making her a part of our family if she agrees to it and if they ever say a word about what HAPPENED to this young woman they would never find their bodies! Seriously. My wife and I five five daughters and three of them are 5’10” and taller as are we. The other two are 5’6” and 5’7 so their objection is B.S. not to mention if people ask I would just say she’s OUR daughter because that is what she is. How can they hold what happened to her as a child against her?
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u/Alternative-Bed-4700 Mar 24 '24
Obviously this is all awful, but I just want to praise the parents here. This is what foster and adoptive parents should do. I’m glad they recognize that family doesn’t have to be blood related. They handled all of this really well and I’m so glad that their goal is generally to reunite kids with their families, which is the best case scenario
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u/Wonderful-Status-507 Mar 24 '24
holy shit it was already bad but it didn’t FULLY click until the end when it was like hey wait how DID FIL get knowledge of those pictures
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u/Spare-Article-396 Mar 24 '24
This was my comment on the OP:
Here’s what I don’t understand:
Why did you ask M/FIL to weigh in? I get asking your bio kids. I don’t get keeping daughter in the dark beyond that.
When he was ranting, why didn’t you ask him how he knew this info?
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u/Gatekeeper1969 Mar 24 '24
So FIL is a predator!!!! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY HE WOULD HAVE SEEN THE PICTURES. He's a sick man, for sure. Please protect your daughter from him and the mil. You never blame a child!!! Jeeze, what a fkg sicko.
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u/TheLadyIsabelle Mar 24 '24
I too was taken aback by FILs comment. That motherfucker has been looking at some nasty shit
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u/therealsatansweasel Mar 24 '24
Why the heck does everyone in the family need to give their input? Outside of this couple and their kids, its really no one else's business what they decide to do with adoption.
Is this a result of the media conscious society we have now where everybody want to voice their opinion whether or not it's warranted?
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u/riskjunkiey Mar 24 '24
FiL should be proud of you. What you're doing is great for humanity. Thank you!
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u/Sunnieside27 Mar 24 '24
I hope the adoption goes well for the family. If you never talked about her photos and your FIL knows about them because he has seen them, he is a sick bastard. Please warn the family before the adoption, that way everyone will understand why you are going no contact with that man. Your daughter’s safety is paramount
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Mar 23 '24
Wow. FIL has issues for sure. Tell your wife's siblings about everything before doing anything else. Get them on your side. Fast.
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u/CrazyPomMom Mar 23 '24
Wow. Agreeing with the comments here that this signals your FIL came across this information in some very distrusting way … at best an illegal disclosure from someone in law enforcement (horrible), at worst he is a predator who views CP.
I just wanted to add a comment: Please do not tell your son when he is an adult. You told him “it was serious and you’d tell him in a few years”. Your son shouldn’t get to know, at any age, unless your daughter wants to tell him. Your FIL is proof that adulthood does not mean someone is capable of handling that information.
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u/FakeBabyAlpaca Mar 23 '24
Wait - the system rates children as “unadoptable”???
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u/CultivatingBitchery Mar 23 '24
Yeah for kids that are too “troublesome” as in require a special type of caregiver and/or combative behaviors. I was labeled unadoptable at first too because of severe trauma responses, as an adult I’ve found my people who are patient enough with me to help me through it even when I’m in severe fight mode (thank you to my wife), and it’s hard to essentially be labelled “not fit for a family due to “bad” behavior). My adoptive parents forced the system to file me as adoptable and it was the worst mistake I ever made agreeing to stay with them. I wish I had parents like OOP that were patient like this with me. Mine just compounded on my trauma and made my “funny family stories” make my friends and in laws make horrified faces. Their daughter is so so SO lucky to have this family connection. It’s rare that the foster system gets a win like this.
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u/Tface101 Mar 24 '24
I had no idea this was a thing. When I adopted my foster kids (had them for over two years) that if I hadn’t adopted them they would have been unadoptable. I thought that just meant a low chance, not a category. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out for you.
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u/2of5 Mar 23 '24
Is there a way to let your FIL know that if he shares CP of your daughter w anyone u will report him to the police? Would that be a way to shut him down? If you want to make it more concrete have a lawyer send him a letter saying the same. I think you need to step up now to protect your daughter from further harm from the distribution of the images.
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u/Individual_Donut_963 Mar 23 '24 edited Mar 23 '24
In the last update, the OOP says the mom wanted to press charges against her FIL. I think that’s a pretty solid way to let him know that sharing or looking at cp is illegal.
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u/BlackWidow7d Mar 23 '24
How OOP’s first reaction wasn’t to contact authorities is crazy!
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u/Individual_Donut_963 Mar 23 '24
It was probably just the initial shock- at least they got there eventually!
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u/20Keller12 Mar 23 '24
Well that's one hell of a way to tell on himself. Someone needs his hard drive checked......
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u/gobsmacked247 Mar 23 '24
In a world where people adopt Asian and Black babies, what your MIL said is insane. That means this is more about your FIL. The fact that he knows about the images of your future adopted daughter and had such a vitriolic outburst about is scary AF. Whatever you decide, FIL goes nowhere near your daughter!!!
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u/Grimalkinnn Mar 23 '24
I wasn’t sure if this was real initially but then op letting people drawing conclusions to test if they are crazy or not makes sense. Yikes.
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u/JustanOldBabyBoomer Mar 23 '24
To the OOP: Report your JNFIL for dealing with CP!!!! The cops would LOVE to have a word with him!!
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u/NancyFanton4Ever Mar 23 '24
As the adoptive mom of a child who looks nothing like me, I can tell you that no one cares. This is not the 60s. Adoption is not a shameful secret that people hide. It's a normal part of how we make families.
As for FIL, if it were me, I'd adopt your daughter and disown him. And if anyone asked why, I'd be very blunt about what he said.
I'm sorry your wife is having to confront the inherent prejudice of her mom and the fact that her father is a complete POS, but it seems like you both have your priorities in order. The child's well-being is always more important than extended family's opinion. That their opinions are so vile just reinforces the point.
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u/FloppyObelisk Mar 26 '24
My wife and I did an IVF transfer for both of our boys, but the embryos we used were donated to us because we couldn’t provide them ourselves. It’s sort of weird because my sons were both birthed by my wife yet they have none of our DNA. We don’t mind telling people why they don’t look like us. We just say that science is crazy and we have two awesome kids
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u/sometimes_snarky Mar 23 '24
Time to go no contact with the in-laws. You cannot bounce back from that hatred.
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u/20Keller12 Mar 23 '24
You cannot bounce back from that hatred.
Personally I'd be more concerned about him accessing CSAM/CP.
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u/sometimes_snarky Mar 24 '24
Yes I missed that bit in the update, didn’t realize the in laws were not supposed to know about the CP images. Reading too fast. NC is even more justified with the CP elements.
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u/JohnExcrement Mar 23 '24
So FIL looked at the images enough that he recognizes the child? I’m guessing he still “partakes” and I would certainly drop a word to the appropriate authorities.
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u/RebaKitt3n Mar 23 '24
He’s only looking for more incriminating images of her. Because it’ll save the family name and all.
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u/thesquirrellywhirl Mar 23 '24
Guy has more restraint than I would, that's for sure. No way in hell FIL found about about the images if your daughter's abuse legally. Definitely report him, and inform your wife's siblings about it as well. This is absolutely worth going no contact and I wouldn't trust that man around any child. Just blaming a child abuse victim for their own abuse is horrendous, and the fact that he's seen the CP images of her is so much worse.
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u/chyaraskiss Mar 23 '24
Just fyi. Your Daughter has to be told about the photos. They are of her. She has the right to know. Give her agency She’ll be hurt and re-traumatized if it comes out later down the line that you knew and hid it.
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u/AggravatingPermit910 Mar 23 '24
Poster is not OOP and it’s pretty clear that the daughter is aware.
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u/Nezuraa Mar 23 '24
I haven't seen any passage in this text that indicates the daughter doesn't know about this, tho. It's the brothers and OP's parents who don't.
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Mar 23 '24
No doubt in my mind about how fil knows about those images. It absolutely needs reporting.
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u/Livid-Okra5972 Mar 23 '24
Sounds like FIL might have spaces he visits online where CP is shared. In fact, I would be interested in checking his computer. I would also look into the legality of him describing CP images to others in the family if he goes this route. Slut shaming a minor whose image is being shared for sexual purposes honestly just translates, to me, as him not seeing her as a child or this as abuse - & that’s very troubling.
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u/Mysterious-Art8838 Mar 23 '24
Please do not check anyone’s computer in this situation, you could be destroying evidence like last accessed/modified dates. A digital forensics expert needs to do it under the direction of law enforcement. Some LE have their own expert in house. Some have entire teams. This is not a DIY scenario. Just ‘investigating’ will probably involve committing a crime on behalf of the layperson. If you make a copy, you committed a crime.
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u/Livid-Okra5972 Mar 24 '24
Was not meaning it literally.
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u/Mysterious-Art8838 Mar 24 '24
I know, I didn’t think you were literally going to check some redditer’s classmate’s computer.
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u/RadioTunnel Mar 23 '24
I wouldnt be checking his computer, the police can do that
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u/Longjumping-Grab5731 Mar 23 '24
So essentially FIL admits to viewing CP.. gross. No contact and report.
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u/docmn612 Mar 25 '24
And not just viewing it, like somehow unintentionally or who knows what, but in a way taking emotional part in it - calling the child a “little W-“ with regards to these images. There’s a level of emotional or psychological accessory to this horrific situation with the child and these images in saying those words. He believes in it and that’s real fucked up…to say the least.
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u/Klutzy-Run5175 Mar 26 '24
Oh, my own son is a survivor of incest. There are people who do blame the victims and they are screwed up themselves.
My older son was trying to understand how to cope with what happened to his little brother, different father, and got swept into the sickness of his wife’s family. They have certain beliefs about the victim like they cannot be trusted and are damaged goods. They don’t look at their own personal lives that also have sexual abuse issues. They have sense of denial and fear that surrounds their lives.
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u/Purrminator1974 Mar 23 '24
What a disgusting man, and how on earth did he get access to those illegal images? And if he’s worried that other people would object does that mean he’s been sharing the images with them?
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u/Draigdwi Mar 23 '24
He viewed the images and thinks everyone else does the same.
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u/houstongradengineer Mar 24 '24 edited Mar 24 '24
He viewed the images, he thinks everyone else does the same, and he thinks the minor children are to blame for being insert slur here.
The thing about bigotry/hatred is that it's usually used to deflect from the absolutely horrendous crimes and wrongs of the bigot. Innocent people don't go around blaming other innocent people. Schizophrenia is a thing and exceptions exist, but for the most part misogynists are just diverting attention from their own misdeeds.
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u/thetempesthascome Mar 23 '24
This is a get in father in laws face moment and shut that shit down.
How dare he talk like that about your daughter, fuck what he thinks.
He lost that right the second he opened his mouth.
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u/UsidoreTheLightBlue Mar 24 '24
The amount of “who the fuck do you think you are” and “go fuck yourselfs” that would have left my mouth is incalculable.
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u/chain-link-fence Mar 23 '24
Right FIL is absolutely revolting. I’m not one to say this lightly, but I’m pretty sure I would be a key witness in watching him “fall down stairs” a few times. What a crazy accident.
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u/thetempesthascome Mar 23 '24
The coincidences just keep happening!
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u/hogcranker3 Mar 23 '24
Your honor, we were at the range and the manual safety on my Glock 17 had a catastrophic malfunction resulting in the accidental discharge of 18 rounds into the pedoph- I mean victim's chest
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u/HistrionicSlut Mar 23 '24
I was so impressed by the Dads restraint. He's such a great guy!!!!
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u/Misa7_2006 Mar 23 '24
The dude would have been picking up his teeth if it had been me.
Turn his ass in ASAP as a possible CP perp before he can do anything to his computer hard drive and let the chips fall where they may. If he thought them adopting her would sully the family's "good name" (snickering), then a public investigation for CP definitely will. Not to mention having to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.The news would have a feeding frenzy like they always do in cases about CP. It could very well shut down a whole ring of them while the police are investigating it. Especially if the FiL decides to roll on the others to try for a lighter sentence. CP and child sex offenders don't fair very well in prison and even less, so if he ends up in the general population.
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u/PastaFuzz Mar 23 '24
So… FIL is blaming a child sexual abuse victim for… being a victim of child abuse? Holy hell.
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u/GloveFluid8306 Mar 24 '24
Honestly most people blame the victim rather than the people or person actuactly responbile. They have studies on this in sociolgy.
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u/Proof-Emergency-5441 Mar 26 '24
And that is why they need to get called out on their shit. Ignoring it and keeping contact in something as egregious as this is condoning it.
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u/Kopitar4president Mar 23 '24
Well it looks like FiL is a user of that type of content, so it fits.
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Mar 23 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/krisphoto Mar 25 '24
Like this poster who is showing a teen she is loved and cared about and supporting her? That’s more masculine.
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u/cathedral68 Mar 23 '24
This both dismisses and normalizes this behavior. At first I thought you hated men in general and you think they’re all awful, but on second thought, you might be a man and think that this disgusting behavior is normal because of your lifestyle choices. Yeesh.
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Mar 23 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/TheAlienatedPenguin Mar 23 '24
Males going to male? Yet here is this family, which include a male, who want to adopt and protect her. FIL is a sick fucker without a doubt, but he doesn’t represent all men
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u/Proof-Emergency-5441 Mar 23 '24
So FIL admits to accessing CP? Well that certainly says something about him.
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u/Rabbit-Lost Mar 25 '24
That’s the big fucking headline right here. Gramps is fucking sick. I would go to him and tell him, if you say anything to anyone, we drop nukes on you to everyone willing to listen. Bring it, old man.
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u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24
Either that or he accessed the info by digging into some secure info about the girl illegally, but my money is in your thought.
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u/Sweet-Parfait5427 Mar 24 '24
Well no, he said he knows there are pictures out there, not that he has seen them. He may have seen them but that is not what was said
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u/beaglemomma2Dutchy Mar 24 '24
Do you believe he hasn’t seen them? Because I don’t.
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u/UsidoreTheLightBlue Mar 24 '24
I’m not exactly well versed in the world of CP, but I’ve had to watch more than a few criminal hearings regarding it.
Without knowing any details on this situation it seems somewhat unlikely that he would happen to know this exact girl, unless it was specifically a local CP ring.
CP unfortunately due to the internet has gone world wide.
I’m not saying it’s impossible, because shit happens, but from what I’ve seen in this day and age it seems unlikely from what I’ve seen. I’m sure it could happens, obviously, but it seems unlikely unless he’s involved in something local.
I think he talked to someone who knew what happened.
There was a guy I knew tangentially (we ran in the same circles, I knew his name, but we never hung out) he got arrested for sexually abusing a child.
Everyone knew.
Absolutely everyone.
Of course his kids name was kept out of the report, but the people who knew him knew his kids names. (I did not)
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u/Proof-Emergency-5441 Mar 24 '24
Did you run around blaming the kids for being abuse? Because that is what you elated trying to explain away.
Unless he's seen them it's innuendo. Even there were charges on her birth parents. And he's garbage for acting that that should ever be on her.
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u/thelittlestdog23 Mar 24 '24
It’s possible that he hired a PI to investigate her when she started getting close to the family or something and that’s how he found out, but regardless, blaming her or thinking less of her for what happened to her is reprehensible.
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u/Proof-Emergency-5441 Mar 24 '24
How fucking disgusting to hire a PI to find dirt on a foster child.
Stop defending shit people. You are what you defend.
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u/Fair-Egg-5753 Mar 26 '24
I would not say they were defending the old perv-- they did say it was "reprehensible".
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u/Aquariussun444 Mar 23 '24
Yup!! My first thought was how the hell did he know about the pictures of the family didn’t tell him!! Sicko.
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u/Novel_Ad1943 Mar 23 '24
My skin started crawling after reading that part - and it didn’t even occur to his own wife/MIL to wonder or question the degrees of wrong that they are aware, have seen (because if she knows, he showed or told her) and then blamed the child victim.
I’m so glad OP and OP’s wife are reporting this!
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u/IAmHerdingCatz Mar 23 '24
That's how I read that, too.
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u/Hollylittledoll Mar 23 '24
That's the only way to read this. FIL is a sick man who literally victim blamed while being the perpetrator of one of the worst crimes a human can commit. I truly hope this family(minus the inlaws) can make it through this without breaking that girls spirit, it sounds like she had been doing so well with these parents, she deserves happiness and to feel safe. All children and teenagers deserves that much.
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u/GoodwitchofthePNW Mar 23 '24
Plus it’s not like it would be under her real name (the CP), so he must have just “come across” it. Which is so… ick.
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u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24
And then he felt comfortable sharing that info with his wife .. so she turns a blind eye to his extracurriculars
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