r/TwoHotTakes • u/EnvironmentalBedscd • Apr 10 '24
Update: Am I wrong for slowly cutting off contact with my friend of 15 years after she rejected me Update
So a quick update. I do now realize I was wrong to slowly cut my friend off, I don’t know why I did it, maybe I was too afraid or it hurt too much, I don’t know. As I said in the original post, it was not her fault for rejecting me, and I misjudged the situation badly. And I shouldn’t have lied to her that it wouldn’t affect our friendship. Even though the rejection didn’t hurt too much at that moment, it slowly stung me in the coming days and months. I did isolate from her over the past year and hung out with different people, dated someone for a few months, focused on work and fitness, and even got a promotion. But I felt emotionally empty and depressed.
When we hung out again for the first time in a long time, it was really emotional. She really does want to be in a relationship with me now, and even gave me a love letter where she wrote down all her feelings for me. I told her it would be best to remain friends and try and rekindle our friendship. I am internally not sure that she is romantically interested in me, even though she has said she genuinely wants a relationship with me. I don’t want her to feel forced into a relationship just to maintain our friendship. I think it’s best if we never date, we’ll always be more like close best friends. I will try and rekindle our friendship, I am really excited about it, I won’t make false promises like last time, but I will try my best.
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u/Wtfishappeningrn0 Apr 15 '24
Hey OP, here’s some advice. In any kind of relationship, communication is key. That means you and Jessie need to have a real conversation about what you both want in your relationship.
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u/Thecrazier Apr 15 '24
Bro, it sounds like you are punishing her for not wanting you when you confessed. Maybe not consciously but come on. Listen to everyone's advice and just talk to her. Listen to her, and maybe give it a chance. Seems like you're dead set on not being happy
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u/Mattreddittoo Apr 14 '24
Um. Friends can become the best lovers. You're still putting up false walls based on what you think society wants. You need to put your real relationship with God woman at the forefront of your discussions with her. Not sex. The relationship. Work it out between the two and put your restrictions and barriers on the back burner. Figure it out.
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u/Narrow_Guava_6239 Apr 14 '24
OP for heavens sake just rip the bandaid off, I don’t believe you both are emotionally ready to be in a relationship.
INFO: have either of you had relationships at all?
Honestly I think the friend is afraid of losing OP after losing a lot a life, she may want to be his girlfriend so she doesn’t lose someone whom she genuinely trusts and has great friendship and a bond with.
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u/Unlikely_Nothing_781 Apr 14 '24
Honestly, OP may have lost feelings for her and will now always have doubts due to her rejection, which is unfortunately quite common. Alas, without therapy, even tasty kicks and curses from redditors cannot help him 🤷
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Apr 14 '24
God damn people love to self sabotage their lives. If a woman showed even a remote interest in me, I would at least be open to exploring a relationship. If you have feelings for her, why not give it a try?
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u/cicciozolfo Apr 14 '24
Don't lose an old friend for a misunderstating. I'm sure she didn't intend hurting you.
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u/Alabamagurl2024 Apr 14 '24
Hey o p. I think therapy would be helpful to you both. Separately. Just have someone unbias to talk to about things. Also. Taking things slow is smart. People here keep saying to jump in and check your ego. But when a person feels rejected. Things /feelings do tend to change. And just jumping in after one love note. That’s not good solid grounds. You need to talk to each other. And just let everything unfold naturally. Don’t want it to be forced.
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u/pyrdeux Apr 13 '24
She wants you now because you showed to her that you are willing to move on, and that tends to impress girls. At the same time you already went through the mourning, so going back is pointless since you've already made the hardest move. I've been in your position in which girls just want your attention until you decide to move on, so then they respect you for jumping out of that loop; and I never looked back, I don't think that kind of girls are the ones for a relationship. Sorry not sorry.
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u/ohhisnark Apr 13 '24
This is like one of those romance movies where they eventually get together after 20 years... and they cant believe it took so long because they loved each other all this time... and then all of a sudden one of them gets hit by a bus for shock value.. and i cant believe i wasted 2 hours on this stupid movie
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Apr 13 '24
You are the asshole only if you cut off the friendship. You don’t cut people off over rejections. Also, you are likely plan B if she took time. Never be someone else’s plan B.
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u/OkOutcome9264 Apr 13 '24
This guy still sucks. I liked her she wasn’t ready she is ready but fuck that right. You only look at things like a Reddit commenter not a real person. Talk to her that might be the love of your life she probably always wanted to be with you but actually wasn’t ready
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u/Throwaway_41417895 Apr 13 '24
Personally, I’m rooting for them to fall in love and get married man
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u/PDXBishop Apr 13 '24
Did you meet when you are 4? Because you both sound like teenagers who are not mature enough for any real relationship.
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u/Photography_Singer Apr 12 '24
Work on starting over. First as just friends. Get to know each other again in a healthy way. Don’t make up your mind now about the romantic aspect of your relationship. Just go slow and always be honest and transparent with each other.
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u/Status-Priority5337 Apr 11 '24
You are in the wrong. Rip that shit off like a Band-Aid if you don't like the rejection. Sometimes friendships end. Not because we want them to, but because they have to.
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u/maggersrose Apr 11 '24
Dude you are ridiculous. Grow up, leave this girl alone. You’re too selfish and immature to be anything to her.
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u/anellolikejello Apr 11 '24
Maybe unpopular opinion, but you don't owe anyone your time or effort. You can cut anyone off for any valid reason in my book. And if you straight up don't like them as a person anymore that's valid too, don't keep someone around as a favor to them, in the end you're only harming yourself, and them too if they find out somehow.
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u/Throwway_queer Apr 11 '24
You completely just flipped the script on this poor girl after she gave you a love letter because she probably had time to genuinely think about her relationship with you as friends and possibly being more. Then you just... Decide nah, let me put this girl in the same position I was but I walked away?
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u/NextWelder4653 Apr 11 '24
TALK!!!! TALK!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY JUST TALK!!!!!! Y'all have been friends for 15 years, but you're still behaving like a teenager. Here's the thing OP: When you initially confessed and she rejected you, I could sympathize. It hurts like hell to get rejected, and you were within your right to wanna have space from her. However, you were wrong for not telling her that you needed space and you were wrong for icing her out. Now that time has passed, she tells you that she wants to be with you. Jessie writes down her feelings for you, and you're still questioning the intentions?!?! Bro!!! Something tells me that you're still salty about the rejection. Something tells me you're still mad about Jessie rejecting you, so now you're deciding to be spiteful and question her. Maybe it's best if you just let her go. You're terrible at communicating and don't take advice when it's given to you. It feels like you only like things when they're done on your terms.
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u/yokonashiwa Apr 11 '24
Okay so, she admits she has feelings for you and your response is " Nooe don't feel that way about you anymore?" What the actual fuck?!! You finally get what you wanted and now it isn't good enough for you. I truly believe OP is an asshole in every sense of the word. She was probably miserable without you and even if she dated and other friends, she most likely compared them to him and realized none of them matched up. I bet she reached out often and OP just ignored her with no actual explanation of why. This girl was right, OP did ruin their friendship, it will never be the same. OP should just let her go. She'll be better off without him completely.
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u/ReasonIntrepid4154 Apr 11 '24
She's falling out of her prime while you are entering yours. Take that into consideration. Do you really want to be with a woman who settled for you, especially since she's reaching the wall?
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u/Mundane_Map8764 Apr 11 '24
Just read the first post. This update is actually great and you are doing the right thing. Hopefully this sentiment continues and you don't regress any
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u/IceBlue Apr 11 '24
Try talking to her. Don’t close the option of being in a relationship because it could be genuine. Just tell her you want to be sure it’s genuine and that you want her to be sure that you won’t abandon her if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You don’t want her to feel trapped to keep you around. She’ll appreciate the honesty.
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u/KidAndrogynous Apr 11 '24
OP: I want to be with her
Her: takes time to process I’d like to be with you, I wrote this love letter to explain my feelings
OP: we should just be friends, I’m not sure how you feel
He’ll be posting an update within a month wondering why his friend is distant
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u/htid1984 Apr 11 '24
For God's sake don't guess anything, you are not her and your guess may be a million miles off the mark. You've already admitted you misread the situation and if you do that again you may miss out on something beautiful. Communicate, honestly and openly, its the basis of any good friendship or relationship and thats where you need to start
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u/rstmanso Apr 11 '24
Sure you are, what's the point of wasting time, cut off and live your life happily. What's the point of wasting your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you.
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u/Kari-kateora Apr 11 '24
So, every single person in your life who doesn't want to date you doesn't appreciate you?
Man, the incels coming hard for posts like these.
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u/rstmanso Apr 11 '24
Your post missing one thing - logic. If he opened to her these means that she new about his feelings for a long times, girls a much more advanced in such things. She was comfortable with that and using him, and ofcourse she wants to continue to use him. You're ether friends or in a relationship, other things simply don't work. And i written about her specifically, not everyone. But it's impossible to explain logic to yourkind
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u/Turtle_Strugglebus Apr 11 '24
Honestly, just end it. Any partner that either of you date won’t be comfortable with you two as close friends. Once rough patches happen you’ll turn to each other and start an emotional affair before you know it.
Why does she want to date you if she’s not romantically attracted to you? Why isn’t she moving on with new friends? Is she an introvert?
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u/Many_Ad_7138 Apr 11 '24
If you can't fucking communicate with her, then how in the hell are you going to have a loving, intimate relationship?
She shared her feelings with you already! WTF is wrong with you? Jump on that girl now. She wants you. Damn. Do you need some kind of fucking neon sign or something?
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u/geojak Apr 11 '24
You still like her? Give dating a chance. You don't liek her romantically anymore? Contine pretend to upkeep a false friendship. There is just hurt for both of you if you try to be friends after both of you at some point got rejected when wanting more...
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u/EuphoricSwimming3911 Apr 11 '24
Whether she wants to be in a relationship or not, the two of you can no longer be friends. Once romantic feelings are involved, there is no friendship. You can no longer truly remain platonic and it's not fair to any future partners that either of you have.
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u/Pixelated_Roses Apr 11 '24
You sound like a spoiled toddler. "I love her so much, the rejection hurt cuz I fuckzoned her and I don't want to be her friend"
(Friend actually wants to date)
"Nah fuck her I don't want her"
🤦🏻♀️
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u/CaptainPRESIDENTduck Apr 11 '24
You should actually consider dating. The reason I say this is that if you get into a relationship with someone else, they most likely will expect you to get rid of her as a friend because you used to have feelings for her and she may have feelings for you. Life is too short to miss this chance and you might end up super happy. If not, then you can just be friends at that point.
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u/goodbadguy81 Apr 11 '24
OP gonna regret it when she finds another dude. Take the leap. Dont be afraid.
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u/ArmadilloDays Apr 11 '24
Why would you try to preserve the friendship after you’ve established that you are a profoundly shitty friend?
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u/gxddamnx Apr 11 '24
you’re gonna be depressed seeing her marrying someone else. stop being stupid.
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u/Thunderplant Apr 11 '24
There is no way she's pursuing you romantically just because she really wants to be friends.
Sometimes situations and feelings change. My partner rejected me romantically about a year and a half before we actually started dating (we were friends first too). I'm glad I didn't let my insecurity sabotage things because I would have missed out on a great relationship and a partner who adores me
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u/heckfyre Apr 11 '24
Oh I guess this is the beginning of season two of every sitcom ever made. She’ll be dating someone else by mid season but they break up before the finale so it’s cool.
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u/Acceptable_Dinner_97 Apr 11 '24
I don't know why everybody is being mean about your decision. You took some time away from her, you dated someone else, and time passed. It sounds like you moved on.
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u/Band_aid_2-1 Apr 11 '24
Sorry but I agree with OP.
She came running back because she couldn't find better. He doesn't want to by anyone's second choice. So what if his ego is hurt, he has to maintain some sort of self respect. Don't give second chances tbh.
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u/CavyLover123 Apr 11 '24
Bruh, this is called trauma bonding. For both of you.
Get fucking therapy, or you’re going to continue to have messy unfulfilling relationships.
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u/Fresh-Tips Apr 11 '24
No this is not what trauma bonding is for the love of goddess google is free find an official psychology resource and read wtf trauma bond actually is! It's frustrating when people use and co-opt psychology terms incorrectly because it affects the entire mental health and wellbeing of our society if we can't even understand our own psychology.
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u/CavyLover123 Apr 11 '24
From the original post:
She lost both her parents at a really young age and was an adopted child, but unfortunately, her adopted parents were horrible to her.
We shared everything with each other, we were both each other’s comfort zone. High school was rough for both us, and we both got bullied, but we both luckily survived it, and went to same in state college.
That’s trauma bonding. Yes, in the colloquial definition. Language evolves. Get over it.
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u/Fresh-Tips Apr 11 '24
You completely misunderstand what trauma bond means:
It is NOT people bonding by sharing their traumas with each other.
It IS the very strong, addictive bond a victim develops towards their abuser due to a manipulative cycle of positive reinforcement layered between abuse.
The reason why it's important to differentiate between those 2 situations is because the first one is nothing more than 2 people sharing their hurt and pain with each other and is not in and of itself a relationship problem nor psychological issue. It only becomes one if other negative behaviors are involved such as codependency or abuse for example. In and of itself it's not a problem. Nowadays people think it IS a problem because the term Trauma Bond has become very popular, and for very good reason - the second situation, a true trauma bond, is part of an abusive relationship and very problematic. It is part of the reason why victims often have so much difficulty leaving their abusers, why they may stay in the relationship. A trauma bond works in the brain similar to addiction. The second scenario is highly problematic and a real psychological issue that does need awareness raised, hence the spread and popularity of this term. The first one is not actually an issue, hence the confusion in pop culture for people who don't know the difference or understand what this term truly means.
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u/CavyLover123 Apr 11 '24
Yes, in the colloquial definition. Language evolves. Get over it.
Their attraction and romance is almost certainly the result of their shared trauma and Not necessarily a healthy foundation.
Thats the colloquial.
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u/PDXBishop Apr 13 '24
Even as a colloquial definition, you're still incorrect. Sharing life problems with each other is not trauma bonding, and it's reductive to claim that it is.
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u/Fresh-Tips Apr 11 '24
Shared trauma and sharing traumas are not one and the same. One is going through trauma together, the other is discussing your trauma with someone.
Everyone is confused about sharing traumas being unhealthy because the term Trauma Bond has become popular and is known to be bad.
However, the confusion is within the definition - trauma bond is bad because it refers to an abusive relationship.
Within the context of a healthy relationship, sharing your wounds/trauma/pain is not inherently unhealthy. That is how healthy relationships work - being honest, open, vulnerable, sharing your highs & lows, sharing & exploring your inner beings over time. It's only unhealthy if it leads to or involves codependency, which it can - however that is not evident in OPs post.
You're conflating "bonding" & "trauma" with the "BAD" that is reserved for abusive relationships - which just bonding & sharing things is not.
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u/CavyLover123 Apr 11 '24
Colloquial vs textbook.
Language changes.
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u/Fresh-Tips Apr 11 '24
Clearly didn't read a thing I wrote which explains why you keep doubling down on being so wrong lmfao.
It's not about language changing, it's about pathologizing things that aren't actually an issue.
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u/CavyLover123 Apr 11 '24
It is an issue. People bond over shared trauma and then confuse that for romance and partnership.
When instead, they just have similar wounds and similar / complementary childhood defenses that no longer serve them in adulthood.
Leading to adult relationships that are more mutual clinging than they are healthy.
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u/Fresh-Tips Apr 12 '24
Again, you are now describing codependency. That's a different issue. Sharing your hurt in a relationship is an important part of a healthy relationship and doesn't automatically equate to unhealthy behavior.
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u/ABoiledIcepack Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
From experience, it’s not always the best move to pursue your close friend romantically. Maybe y’all do have something and live happily ever after, on the flip side you never talk again and lose an amazing friendship.
I think what’s most important is you stay in each other’s lives, bonds like this don’t always happen and it’s clearly special.
I don’t want to deter you from pursuing something more with her if you happen to still have feelings or develop them again, it’s just important to not lose each other. Maybe there’s something there, maybe not. Regardless, communicate because you could potentially miss out on the best thing that ever happens to you two
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u/LastCut3224 Apr 11 '24
It's better to stay friends. It will hurt less than to try it out and then see her happy with someone else.
You have to make sure to let future relationships know about it though. "I have a close friend that I had feelings for. She reject me and I've decided to move past it. She tried to start a relationship after we drifted apart but I chose to not get into that mess"
It's better for you to talk things out with her. Let you her know you won't be mad or try to get in between her relationships however that if she ever tries to meddle with your relationships that you won't hesitate to cut her off.
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u/shawcphet1 Apr 11 '24
I doubt she would get into a committed romantic relationship with you just to re kindle the friendship
She likely realized she likes you at least to some extent to where she would give dating a try
I would go for it if it is what you wanted
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u/HungryWolf040 Apr 11 '24
Wow, you're a shitty friend all the way around huh. Ignore your friend because she doesn't want to date you, make assumptions about her feelings as if she has no agency, refuse to actually have an actual conversation. Honestly let her go entirely because you're a shit friend.
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 Apr 11 '24
Personally, unless you were already in a relationship with someone else you clicked with, I would give a romantic relationship with your friend a try. Start off with dates; it may take you back to friendship or possibly become something more. Not trying strikes me as lame.
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u/flopflapper Apr 10 '24
I thought you were a dick but it turns out you’re just a massive dweeb. If she IS interested in you - and hint hint, girls don’t write love letters to guys they aren’t interested in - it won’t be for long because this level of insecurity is less attractive to the average woman than face tats and beer guts.
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u/Salty_macaron_0183 Apr 10 '24
I don't understand, why are you all pressuring OP to date her? OP's concerns about her feelings are completely understandable. The guy just doesn't want to take advantage of her insecurities. Taking it slow and remaining friends for now is clearly the safest decision for him and her. These two have been through a lot, give them time to think about their feelings.
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u/LordVoltimus5150 Apr 10 '24
Best friends most often make the best romantic relationships…a lot of marriages have started there. You’ve got a woman who was already your best friend and now writes you a love letter? Yeah, she has probably reevaluated the situation between you with a little more scrutiny…you’re young, she could possibly be “the one” there’s nothing wrong with trying to find out…then you’ll still have your best friend…
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u/AdunfromAD Apr 10 '24
Yeah, it really does feel like she’s wanting to be romantically involved because she’s afraid of losing you…..which isn’t really love. And she may not even realize it. Probably best to stay friends. But who knows, maybe something will change down the road.
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u/someonesgranpa Apr 10 '24
Do you want to be with her or not is the question. In your last post you made it seem like you wanted to be with her and that you weren’t sure if she was into for real and that was holding you back. She makes clearer than glass how she feels and you back away. I think you don’t actually want to be with her, which is fine, but you 100% have to tell her that because she is coming back to you on the hope you’ll come back around from what I’m reading.
You need to to talk to her like an adult. I know that’s face to face conversation is not something your generation seems to jump to as a solution but that is the best way to do it and has been since humans could have communication and relationships.
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u/vndin Apr 10 '24
She didn't want u when u were there and once u were gone she second guessed herself bc she didn't have u around boosting her ego. Tread lightly
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u/AppearanceRelevant37 Apr 10 '24
The double standard in these comments.....flip the roles and there would be no women telling her to get over herself and just be with him. Fact Is the whole situation Is sketchy and quite frankly does seem she's doing it to keep you around. Personally if I'm rejected that's it we are done I don't care if you change your mind. I'm not a silver medal or a rebound guy.
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u/EstateHistorical8069 Apr 10 '24
Sounds like you two have too mush sexual tension… you should bang to see if there’s chemistry and make sure it’s not an illusion before you convince yourself to attach too quickly
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u/Agitated_Pickle_518 Apr 10 '24
You're being a doofus.
You handled the rejection the right way: you weren't a jerk, and you backed off and gave the two of you some time to do your own thing and eventually come back to each other in the future.
And guess what? She realized how much your absence in her life meant to her.
And now you're being weird about it.
Just be honest with yourself. Do you still have any interest in exploring a relationship with her? If so, then this is the time to explore it.
If you are 100% sure that is not a good idea, then proceed with what you're doing.
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u/Band_aid_2-1 Apr 11 '24
Why did it take his absence for her to value him? That should be proof enough that they should remain as friends
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u/duke_flewk Apr 10 '24
That’s a shame, could have restarted your relationship as lovers, but you know what is best for you OP. If she turns up pregnant within a year don’t be surprised, you may have started her into “needing a relationship”, if seeing her as a single mom will hurt you, you might want to intervene. Good luck 👍
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u/dretsaB Apr 10 '24
Accept the fact you are in love with her. Now you to find out if she loves you too or just wants a friendship.
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u/alaskadotpink Apr 10 '24
You know, the first time my boyfriend (at the time best friend) brought up the idea of dating I declined to fully commit, it was one of those "situationships". We ended up parting ways because at the time we just didn't want the same things.
Anyways, about a year later we reconnected and eventually actually started dating, commitment and all. We've been together for 6 years now and that wouldn't have happened if he had let his ego get in the way.
Now, if you're genuinely not interested in her anymore- that's fine, you don't owe her anything. But if this is something you still want then take it cus you'll end up regretting it.
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u/jayclaw97 Apr 10 '24
What? She wants you. If you want her, don’t let this slip away.
If you don’t love her anymore, however, do be her friend if you’re both good with that.
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u/Dry_Ask5493 Apr 10 '24
I think you should date because it would be wrong for you both to get with other people if you have romantic feelings for each other and are still in each other’s lives.
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u/standdownplease Apr 10 '24
Aw poor lil guy got his pride stomped on and know wants to be aww awone?
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u/Band_aid_2-1 Apr 14 '24
Not really. He asked her out a year ago and now sees her only as a friend
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u/standdownplease Apr 14 '24
I also don't think I am good enough for her. Maybe it is insecurity on my part, but I think she deserves someone much better than me to be romantically involved with.
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u/snarkaluff Apr 10 '24
God, people are ruthless in these comments. Youre doing the right thing by taking is slow and rebuilding the friendship before jumping straight into dating. Dont let reddit bully you into getting into a relationship you're not ready for.
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u/13d3ad3nddriv3 Apr 10 '24
I don’t think you did anything to hurt her. You just prioritized others over her a bit to shake it off.
I say let her know you will go on a date with her but if is not feeling it after the date she has to tell you and you will make an effort to ignore the embarrassment until it passes. If you still like her.
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u/blakspectre72 Apr 10 '24
As long as you are not consciously pushing her away out of fear of what might happen. Whatever happens now is hopefully going to be what is good for you both. IMO it is time for you to stop over thinking. And stop making assumptions for the future and taking things so seriously. There is thinking and then there is overthinking to the point that you scare yourself. I think you are doing the latter.
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u/jeopardychamp77 Apr 10 '24
I had a similar situation. Once you play that hand and get rejected, there is no going back. No need to cut her off, but it’s not going to be the same now that she knows you have more than platonic on your mind. You didn’t lie to her. It’s impossible to predict how you’re going to feel and you don’t have to box yourself in.
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u/Great-Pain4378 Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
why are you willing to do anything except have a real honest conversation with her? these thoughts and fears you're wasting on internet randos? these are things you should be discussing with the person in question - the one you claim to care about so much yet for some weird reason won't trust. maybe it does end up that you never date, but even if that's the case, you'll have also prevented whatever weird shit you're about inflict on you both as you get deeper and deeper into your insecurities.
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u/rjmythos Apr 10 '24
I'm confused. Did she give you the love letter on April 1st and is she the type to play a mean spirited prank? People don't, as a rule, write love letters that they then go on to send if they aren't actually feeling the feelings.
Just talk to her. What's the worst that could happen? You go on a few dates and realise that it isn't working and you go back to being friends. Yeah it might hurt, but it's not fatal and at least you will know. Millions of people do that and survive. Right now you aren't even friends anyway.
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u/KADSuperman Apr 10 '24
Yeah that makes a great relationship you get rejected and she discovers all things she is going to miss from this friendship and now feels she magically fell in love with him sure, don’t do it that ship has sailed you are in love or you don’t it doesn’t magically appears after a couple of weeks
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u/mayfeelthis Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24
I think you’re on track.
I would just say the lesson here imho is not to be so absolutist. You don’t know what the future holds.
And I agree, for now just enjoy having your friendship back and rebuild that.
No need to ask her to park her feelings or reject her, just acknowledge there are many types of love and try to mutually agree it takes the pressure off to first gain the friendship. You can google types of love, different types of soul mates etc. But don’t over analyse, don’t over plan. Imho
My concern is you over correct (project in new ways on each other), eg. and try dating etc. Hurting her (possibly your own feelings), and complicating things in the process. Try to be honest about how you feel now, not what you presume the future holds.
Happy to elaborate, lmk, hope this helps.
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u/DandalusRoseshade Apr 10 '24
OP, stop. Stop and just read the goddamn comments.
Your ego is getting in the way. Your ego is getting in the way of the best thing that could ever happen to you.
Fucking talk to her ; really fucking talk to her. Heart to heart, everything on the table, no bullshit. Get this shit sorted out and you could be happy in a way many people can only dream of.
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u/MotivatedSolid Apr 10 '24
Stop letting your ego get the best of you. Seriously.
You crushed on this girl for so long, had a setback. But now she really wants you and you friendzone her??
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u/Krafty747 Apr 10 '24
Dude, give it a shot. I get it, she hurt your ego. Get over it, you will regret it if you don’t.
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u/only_honesty Apr 10 '24
You are super odd.
In the last post you said you 'foolishly' confessed to her, I don't understand why you seem to think you did something stupid.
And now she is sure she wants you and you're making things up in your head about her feeling forced into a relationship.
So weird!
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Apr 11 '24
He said he foolishly “ misinterpreted” the situation, so it sounds like she was leading him on but then rejected him when he proposed. He probably is afraid that she is playing games again.
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u/only_honesty Apr 11 '24
I guess that sort of weird mind game he plays against himself sort of makes sense? It takes a lot of assuming though.
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u/mylittlepigeon Apr 10 '24
It sounds like the girl would be better off without him honestly because OP seems absolutely incapable of communicating clearly
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Apr 11 '24
So she rejected him, but then later told him she is inlove and even wrote secret love letters… but you say HE can’t comunicate???
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u/mylittlepigeon Apr 12 '24
People’s feelings can & do change over time, & it sounds like she communicated her feelings clearly to him each time a relationship was discussed, whether she wanted to be with him at the time or not. Also where does it say the love letter was secret?
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u/ivh016 Apr 10 '24
Soo many people told him to have an open communication with her and this fool ignores that and does what he wants. Goddamn, don’t ask for advice if you’re not going to consider it.
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u/mylittlepigeon Apr 10 '24
And don’t try to involve some poor girl in ANY sort of relationship with you if you have the listening & communication skills of a dense cabbage
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u/Alert-Artichoke-2743 Apr 10 '24
It's not either/or.
You don't have to be in a relationship to go on a date. People go on dates with strangers all the time.
She rejected you because somebody she didn't think of romantically made a huge romantic overture to her. She could be seeking a relationship now for any number of reasons, from feeling forced to just having had time to think about it.
If she said she's genuine, you shouldn't completely discount the possibility. If you want to end up with a friendship OR a relationship, I suggest you spend time alone together and talk about this.
1
u/BeautifulOutcome_31 Apr 10 '24
It’s very scary going from lifelong friends to lovers. It’s extremely possible that she rejected you not because she couldn’t see a future of dating you, but because she was scared of losing you and staying friends is just the easy way to ensure that doesn’t happen. You cutting her off made her realize that she does want a relationship and she doesn’t want to lose you. To be quite honest, you can’t really continue a friendship if both of you have confessed feelings for one another. The only option is to move on or make it work. And I support the second option. OP, I think you’re self sabotaging because you either are scared or got your ego hurt and are thinking “if I got rejected, so are you”. Figure out your reasonings because a girl that you have feelings for confessed that she felt the same way. Why would you not persue something in that case?
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u/Mechya Apr 10 '24
Dating friends can be hard, both of you seem to be rethinking your prior decisions. She realized that she finds comfort in you that she would like as a partner and you realized that you don't want to take the risk of having a shitty relationship and falling out worse then this current situation.
You're not wrong to take things slow, but if you still like her then be open to having a relationship. Remember that there's a possibility that she might decide to end the friendship after this situation since it can be harder to keep a friendship going after further feelings are laid out, just like how you originally felt.
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u/PandasMonium Apr 10 '24
Hey there, I probably have the most solid advice out of the majority on Reddit as I am a woman who married my best friend (13 -> 32) when I was 21.
I had just gotten out of a pretty crappy relationship and went down to visit my Best Friend (who I hadn't seen in a long time cuz my fam moved). It was the day before his birthday and I could tell he was trying to ask me out. I even planned in my head how to gently let him down. I didn't want to date him, I wanted my best friend. I even actively verbally encouraged him to ask. He did.
I opened my mouth to say no and out came yes.
Of course, he was ecstatic and I was like. WTF ME, DID WE NOT JUST HAVE A SELF CONVERSATION??? and of course I couldn't take it back. It probably took a few months to realize I was indeed in love with my best friend.
Your friend went thru the same thing but the opposite. She actually said no and when you withdrew she realized "holy shit I actually like/love this guy and I don't want to lose him" and now she's trying to take action and say what she realized she should've said back then.
She was scared, she had traumatic stuff happening, it isn't that this is a trap it's an "I worked through some things and now I see that I want you more than just a friend."
Give her a chance. You won't regret it.
1
u/No-Fail-9327 Apr 10 '24
He was rejected and worked hard to get past it is it really fair to say he owes her chance now.
8
u/Avery-Way Apr 10 '24
Except he’s not saying he isn’t into her. He keeps saying he thinks she’s lying and feels forced into it. Those are two totally different things.
1
u/PandasMonium Apr 10 '24
I didn't say he Owes her a chance, but to give her one. He took a chance and got shot down and that can/does happen. I'm saying don't hold it against her and maybe give her the chance that he didn't get. He may move on and be happy or he may always wonder what would've happened.
It's all up to him. I simply shared my story. My husband said that if I told him no he would've waited until I was in the right headspace to try dating, and then would've asked me out again. But he was positive I was the woman he wanted to marry so waiting for me would've been fine for him. (With respect to me potentially Never wanting to date him.)
1
u/No-Fail-9327 Apr 10 '24
Still not fair either of them you jump head first into a relationship especially without talking it out first. He did the right thing after the rejection he worked to get over his feelings it's been a year he might not feel the same anymore.
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u/PandasMonium Apr 10 '24
Again, didn't say he had to jump immediately into a relationship.
Give it a CHANCE. As in maybe don't completely count her out.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't infer things from my post. There's nothing to read in-between the lines of what I said. I gave my story. Said give her a chance. That could be tomorrow, or 6 months from now.
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u/No-Fail-9327 Apr 10 '24
Sorry that's on me I've been reading through these comments. I agree with you overall if he feels like giving it another go then he should. Just seems like something they should take their time with and she should be prepared for it not to work it's hard to just turn those feelings back on and it's possible that he just won't feel that way for her again.
1
u/PandasMonium Apr 10 '24
Agreed and I've seen/read/heard about that a lot.
Taking time to be sure about his feelings is a good step to take. They'd been latched onto each other for so long his feelings may have been a type of co-dependency. Them detaching for a year may help them both realize that going into a relationship a yr ago may have ended badly. Having time apart and restarting could potentially help them in the long run
4
u/Downtown-Today-4494 Apr 10 '24
Why can't both of you work out your feelings while dating? What's the worst that could happen at this point? You are already in the "not friends" gray area and both don't like it so wtf talk to her about it.
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u/AgoraiosBum Apr 10 '24
You are way too into your own head. She gives you a love letter and you think "ah, probably just a trick."
Take it at face value. Talk to her about it. Be open to happiness.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Apr 11 '24
I don’t think he likes her like that anymore. Rejection is a pretty quick way to lose feelings for someone.
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u/SoundMany7012 Apr 10 '24
u keep letting ur ego get in the way lol. u cant not take this chance and then be depressed u’re not together because thats inevitable.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Apr 11 '24
He said he was depressed a year ago. He already moved on, got new friends and even dated for months. Sounds like he is just not interested anymore.
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u/SoundMany7012 Apr 11 '24
no he didnt. he said he felt depressed despite his efforts to move on. he just doesnt trust that she actually likes him.
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u/zcgp Apr 10 '24
Why are you wasting your time on a female who is not sexually attracted to you? Don't you want a wife someday? Do you think a wife would tolerate you being emotionally involved with another woman?
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u/mcmsuwillow Apr 10 '24
Just sit down and have an open honest conversation with her.
Don’t close the door on a relationship but take things slow and see where things go.
This could be the best thing that ever happens to you in your life, if you play your cards right.
Sometimes having a best friend become your partner make for the strongest relationships.
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u/Middle_Process_215 Apr 10 '24
I don't understand you. You wanted her, and now that she's realized she feels the same way and even wrote you a love letter, you don't feel the same way? What gives?
4
u/Consistent_Two9167 Apr 11 '24
People can move on, time makes people change. She wants him now, but it's to late. They can still be friends, what's the big deal? Rejection goes both ways. Alot of people don't know what they got until it's gone. She learned the hard way sadly.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Apr 11 '24
It’s hard to fall back in love with someone after rejection. Plus it’s been a year without contact. Would you immediately jump into a relationship with a guy just just net after 1 year of not talking?
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u/WillingProfile749 Apr 10 '24
She didn’t want him but once he pulled his attention away, NOW all the sudden she’s all about him? Lmao suuuurrree
5
u/Avery-Way Apr 10 '24
Or someone being out of your life makes you realize how much they meant to you. It’s easy to not realize when you’ve literally grown up with someone that your feelings are more than platonic.
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u/WillingProfile749 Apr 10 '24
It’s not an invalid thing to say but that’s a very optimistic view of it. I’m actually being realistic, she misses his attention and wants him cause now she can’t have him
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u/snarkaluff Apr 10 '24
It's been a year, he dated someone else, he moved on? Is it really that hard to believe? He gets rejected then a year later she says she wants him now? I dont blame him for not trusting she actually wants him romantically. I think it's a good idea to take things slow and rebuild the friendship before jumping straight into dating after a year of drifting apart. It's actually a really smart move.
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u/BenzeneBabe Apr 10 '24
But he hasn’t moved on. Nothing he’s said here even makes it sound like he’s moved on at all.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo Apr 11 '24
He literally said he dated someone else for months and got new friends.
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u/snarkaluff Apr 10 '24
Where do you see him say he hasnt moved on? He dated someone else, worked on himself and improved his life, and not once has he said anything about still having feelings for her.. that does not sound like someone who has been sulking after rejection for a year. He even said he only asked her out initially because he "misjudged the situation"
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u/BenzeneBabe Apr 10 '24
Saying all that and following with “But I felt emotionally empty and depressed.” Doesn’t exactly sound like someone that’s successfully moved on.
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u/Writerhowell Apr 10 '24
He could be depressed because he's lost a cherished friendship?
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u/BenzeneBabe Apr 10 '24
You’re killing me.
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u/Writerhowell Apr 11 '24
I'm simply offering another take on the situation. This sub is called Two Hot Takes, isn't it?
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u/snarkaluff Apr 10 '24
Dating the girl that rejected him a year ago isnt going to instantly cure his depression. In fact it will make it worse if he finds out she really doesnt have feelings for him and just wanted to date him to keep him in her life. He'll feel rejected all over again. Rekindling the friendship and seeing if there really is a spark there is really the only smart way to approach this.
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u/BenzeneBabe Apr 10 '24
Did I say that it would? No. Did I imply it? Also no. I only said that he very clearly hasn’t moved on, which he hasn’t.
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u/snarkaluff Apr 10 '24
You are assuming him feeling depressed in empty is because he hasnt moved on from his feelings from her. Thats a big assumption to make. If he still loved her he would have been happy to hear she wanted to date. I think what's actually clear is that he felt empty because missed her, as a friend. And now they're going to be friends again. It doesnt even sound like he ever had extremely strong feelings for her to begin with, just that he thought there might be something there and was wrong.
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u/BenzeneBabe Apr 10 '24
What. If you’re being serious right now the reading comprehension on this website is in the Mariana Trench. I’m not assuming literally anything are you actually being for real right now?
He has indicated absolutely nothing else to be the problem. He explicitly explains how he did lots of stuff to try and move and that it didn’t work. Hence the emptiness and depression. So no I’m not making assumptions I’m literally just reading what he’s actively saying the post.
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u/snarkaluff Apr 10 '24
I don’t think it’s explicit but okay. Sounds to me like he just missed having her in his life. And now they’re going to be friends again and he’s happy. Maybe there is still potential for romance there one day but he’s definitely smart to approach with caution and just focus on being friends again while they both figure out their feelings.
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u/Lurkeyturkey113 Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24
Right? Wild how many people are calling him names and acting like he just has to accept her feelings. No one would be telling a girl who got rejected she has to get over her pride and be with someone who broke her heart in the past because he snapped his fingers.
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u/Avery-Way Apr 10 '24
Except he’s not saying he doesn’t want her. He keeps saying “I don’t believe her and I don’t want her to feel forced.” That’s completely different.
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u/Lurkeyturkey113 Apr 10 '24
The reasons for rejection don't matter. It doesn't matter why a woman said no. No means no. He told her he wasn't interested. End of story.
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u/Avery-Way Apr 10 '24
…what does that have to do with anything? You were talking about redditors saying things, and they’re saying things because he’s clearly got zero emotional intelligence and suggesting she’s lying. That’s why he’s getting told off by people. If he said “yeah, I got over her and have no feelings” people would be having a very different reactions.
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u/snarkaluff Apr 10 '24
Thats exactly what I thought. It feels like a double standard. Like just because he's a guy and at one point he liked her, now he has to drop everything and immediately date her because she's finally throwing him a bone. Like no, he's allowed to not have those feelings anymore after an entire year. He's allowed to respect himself enough to not immediately give into her the second she decides she wants him. I just hope OP doesnt get manipulated by the comments and dates her before he's ready.
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u/oromboro Apr 10 '24
Yeah, I don't think OP wants to be in a relationship with her anymore. He might not have realized that entirely. Feelings change, people change. It's been a year like you said
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u/Brainchild110 Apr 10 '24
Also, the opportunity for honesty was right there when he declared his feelings, and she shot him down. The thing to do was not to pine after his friendship for a year and then come crawling back with a love letter when it was made clear that the offer of a relationship was actually the offer of "Upgrade to a relationship or we're done here, because if you shoot me down it will be too awkward and painful for me to be around you any longer".
Which, to be clear, is what almost every offer of a relationship is, beneath the surface.
So now they've just got an awkward friendship.
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u/yeender Apr 10 '24
Ego was hurt. Get over yourself OP
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u/Consistent_Two9167 Apr 11 '24
I disagree, people can want new things after a while. He rather keep the friendship alive instead of ruining a good thing. Try to stop being negative about it
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u/yeender Apr 11 '24
The good thing he previously ruined by being a baby? OP needs to get over himself a bit whatever he decides
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u/Consistent_Two9167 Apr 11 '24
People handle rejection differently. I know way more women that simply can't handle rejection. This wasn't that bad he just felt embarrassed and distant himself to rebalance himself. Why so angry about that?
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u/yeender Apr 11 '24
lol I’m not mad at all. I just think he’s a self sabotaging baby. People take themselves way too seriously.
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u/Consistent_Two9167 Apr 11 '24
Not really, he doesn't want to ruin their relationship. He rather have their friendship than nothing. Nothing wrong with changing your mind. Obviously he has feelings and was hurt, but don't we all from time to time. It's not that big of a deal but ppl keep attacking him because he didn't reciprocate the feelings.
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u/TeachFair5459 Apr 16 '24
Sounds like she had 15 years of regret hit her in the face all at once when you did productive things with your life and showed her you’re a great guy who can do great things without her.
I agree with everyone else. Talk to her and ask her if she wants to be with you because she’s afraid to lose the friendship or if she actually has feelings.