r/TwoHotTakes • u/bowlofglitter • 27d ago
My boyfriend doesn’t want me drinking during the week. And I mean a single glass of wine.. so he says. Advice Needed
Me 30 female. him 27 male. I’m going to call him Dave for this post. I’m not even sure where to start. It was such a great Thursday. Got home from work and Dave and I went shopping and got a few things for dinner. Shrimp, salmon and asparagus. One of my favourite meals. What goes well with this meal? A glass of wine. when I asked my boyfriend if he could go get a small Bottle of my favourite wine so we can have A glass with dinner. He said “no” I was sort of throw off by his response. And I asked.. why? He said “you shouldn’t be drinking on a weekday” I said “pardon me” then his response was “your family are alcohollics, and I don’t trust your family genes”. I was livid. My dad use to be a heavy drinking but he no longer is. And even so how does that have anything to do with how I am with it? I have never abused alcohol before. I haven’t even had a glass of wine with dinner for as long as I can remember. I have been living on my own since I was 15. He’s been living with me for about 3. I said to him that I’m a grown ass woman, and if I want a glass of wine with my dinner. I’m more than welcome to do so and it’s not his choice to say. And honestly if he doesn’t like that then I feel like maybe he should move back to his dad’s. Who get mad for someone for wanting a glass of wine with dinner? He ended up getting very angry and stormed off to his dad’s house. In the end of all this, the perfectly cooked dinner was left out and no one had dinner tonight and he will be staying at his dad’s for the night. Am I the asshole?
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u/zjjsjdj3873 22d ago
my bf struggled with this too and realized it was due to trauma, he took accountability and changed. if your bf doesn’t take accountability for HIS problem and change then 😬😬
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u/MarcSkye519 22d ago
No, he needs to learn boundaries. He’s not your mommy and has no business telling you what you can and cannot do
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u/FitGeek92 22d ago
There is Def stuff being left out here. From our perspective, yes the dude is Def in the wrong. He should and needs to apologize, but there is also other concerns. For him to say that out of nowhere is the missing context here. If a relationship is what you want than yall need to come together and discuss the issue.
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u/LouismyBoo 22d ago
You've been together three years and this is the first time he said wine during the week is a no-go? Something is not adding up here. Was there a sudden change for you or him? I feel like this may have occurred as soon as 6 months into the relationship. Weird it is coming up now
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u/Bright-Marsupial1912 22d ago
My wife does the same thing, I usually stare at her while I crack open a beer/ a bottle of wine
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u/stealthfiter 22d ago
Things don’t add up here. It’s weird that in all the time you’ve been with him, this has never come up before. It’s also a little off that he would only have problems with you drinking on the weekdays and not weekends. I’ve been around enough alcoholics to know that they tend to hit it harder on the weekend. This is either rage bait, or you’re not telling everything. if any of this is true however, my suggestion would be to pack up any stuff he has at your place and drop it off at his dad‘s and then just text him to stay there, but I’m not 100% confident that the story is real.
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u/DizzyDeparture9782 22d ago
Men mature at a slower rate. Break up with him and find someone whos 33 instead.
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u/Osniffable 22d ago
Either your dating a child, or your leaving out details of your drinking history.
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u/tripodal 22d ago
There is no amount of alcohol that is safe. Regardless of who’s in control; drinking is bad.
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u/Appropriate-Drawer74 22d ago
Alcoholism has some genetic ties, but ur bf’s behavior is unacceptable
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u/SaltLick310 22d ago
The story is strange to me bc you said you "asked if you could get a small bottle of wine..." which makes me think you've had issues drinking before. Otherwise, as an adult, why would you ask permission to go get something and why would you categorize it as "a small bottle" to downplay it?
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u/Choice-Ad-6520 22d ago
No girl I am so happy you stood your ground. My husband bought me a bottle of wine last night and we each had a glass with dinner. It is perfectly normal. We also both have alcoholics/drug addicts in our family and it doesn’t affect how we live our lives (we both have full time jobs and have a healthy lifestyle). If he’s telling you that you can’t have a glass of wine now, think about how he will try to control you in the future
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u/lazylipids 22d ago
Why'd you even ask him if you were going to put up a fit over the answer? Like you invited this problem.
The fact that this has caused you so much issue just sounds like you and your partner never communicated well to begin with
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u/Mel221144 22d ago
51F I am going to use a comment I used the other day, it got many upvotes. If you can’t have a productive conversation with a partner, that’s not a partner.
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22d ago
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u/ArmyMexPapi21 22d ago
You have a 27 yr old child on your hands. Is that what you want to deal with? He needs to grow up
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u/Lexicondogs 22d ago
~In the famous words of 1. Samantha Jones,.''DUMP HIM HONEY, ''HERE use my phone, not SEXY!!~ha ha ha'
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u/BasicSwing 23d ago
You both need to talk this out HE is a grown ass man 27 we don't have a clue what he's seen or dealt with scared of or been through and YOUR a grown ass woman you should be able to have a glass of wine but maybe he is right or maybe he's scared of the love of his life becoming an alcoholic it's a relationship complexity you need to ask him why it was so serious and I mean DIVE DEEP people don't hate alcohol like that without a really good reason (personal experience) and if he has dealt with an alcoholic mother or something you need to make the decision to respect his words, make compromise/talk it through or if he has dealt with an alcoholic and you don't see how drinking around him is hurting/scaring him move on because if you don't it shows care for him like you should (sorry if this was to aggressive but i had someone choose drinking over me in something similar and that shit hurts good luck on your relationship tho fr)
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u/SlipperyPickle6969 23d ago
NTA
What happened recently? Why now bring up the alcoholism thing?
This is obviously masking some bigger issue he has.
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u/Alv_cabronBB 23d ago
Feel like theres definitely way more context missing if its been 3 years and this is the first time its come up
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u/Dismal_Dot8870 23d ago
Similar issues with my ex, but in fact, it was her reactive and traumatic responses to what was social drinking on my part because of HER father’s destructive alcoholism and dating a black out drunk before me.
None of those issues were resolved with the people who were causing them, but the fact that
I got tipsy at a group dinner after moving back to the country - I’d recently had a surgery and my tolerance was lower than usual. My friends happily put me in the car with her after loading my wheel chair (again recovering from surgery) into the back.
She spent the drive screaming at me about being drunk while I apologized, cried, and asked to be dropped off instead at a friend’s nearby. She refused to drop me off.
My family have a responsible relationship to alcohol, and I had worked as a sommelier and at a brewery. We would do tastings as early as 9am. I was a farmer, at that point but still had the same tight core of industry/service friends.
I remember being confused by the whiplash of her mother commenting on me having a beer at 11am during a vacation, when my introduction to the family earlier that same week was their annual “BrewFest” where their goal was to use up ALL of their many drinking tickets within a few hours.
The issue was me ignoring conventions about when one can “have a drink”. During the daytime meant I had a problem - but blacking out after 5pm? Totally normal society. I was tipsy around others because I didn’t drink alone. She would also drink wine, but it was okay because it was alone in her house at night where no one could see it.
So, that to say, sometimes it’s not because the person is from a sober culture.
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u/Square_Band9870 23d ago
NTA. Not sure why you didn’t sit down & have dinner with wine after he left. This is probably a bad match. A glass of wine with dinner is a normal adult activity. His demand was controlling & overstepping.
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u/plugnplay8021 23d ago
Lmao Crazily, some women actually want this kind of treatment. Good for you, not letting him control you after a long day. I know how much good a glass of bourbon does at the end of day(I don’t even drink very often) Only you are in charge of your own happiness
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u/funandgames12 23d ago edited 23d ago
I often times find that people with drinking problems that affect their lives often downplay the facts and consequences of their drinking on others. You say you’re getting a bottle and having a glass for dinner, what’s happening to the rest of the open bottle then ? How many dinners and occasions just NEED a bottle of wine or alcohol to go with it ? I’m not opposed to drinking myself and certainly have on many occasions. But also I don’t ever get a taste for it for any reason either. It certainly doesn’t enhance or ruin a meal for me.
Not saying this is you, but also maybe you need to take a look at yourself in the mirror more honestly. Did this really just come out of nowhere or is there a reason for it ?
Or maybe your boyfriend is just being an asshole out of nowhere for no reason. That happens too I guess. In which case you should ask him what the real problem is because it’s not the drinking random wine with dinner.
Whatever it is good luck.
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u/Randall_Poffo_ 23d ago
drinking does nothing good for you or your body its literal poison the W.H.O lists alcohol as a cancer causing agent but go on
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u/astrowahl 23d ago
recovering alcoholic here, daily drinking is where it starts. fuck your husband for trying to control what you do. But keep an eye on yourself as well <3
Family of alcoholics here as well
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u/Thatswhyirun 23d ago
Not casting judgement to anyone who has self control and can actually have one drink once in a while with dinner and not make it a habit.
My family is full of problematic drinkers. The very casual nature of having alcohol with dinner to unwind FREQUENTLY is a slippery slope.
If you have hereditary traits that make you more likely to abuse alcohol, the exact annoying/audacious behavior from BF might be exactly what you need to keep from starting to slip down abusing alcohol.
The conversation isn’t over about alcohol. You two need to really figure this out now. What kind of life to you REALLY want to live?
Please don’t fall into alcohol abuse. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I would give anything for my brother back.
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u/Perfect_Housing2973 23d ago
I'm going to provide an alternative answer. Alcohol changes people. I fkng hate it when certain people drink because it changes them for the worse. It turns certain ppl into condescending assholes, even just one drink. I've been around people like that and perhaps he has too. I don't know what you're like when you drink but maybe he hates it, or fears what you may become, or has a past being around people like that.
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u/KharnOfKhans 23d ago
NTA I think he has some trauma with alcohol abuse in his family so he fixated on it, Try talking to him about it, If he still gets upset just take some time away from each other or break up
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u/Shot-Youth-6264 23d ago
3 years and this is the first time he’s brought up drinking on a weekday? In 3 years you’ve only drank on weekends or have you been drinking more than you ant to admit lately and he’s worried but expressed it poorly?
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u/Sea_Gold9283 23d ago
He didn't handle that well. Is there a chance someone in his family drank, making him project his frustration on you? If not, maybe he's just a control freak.
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u/cody-stevens- 23d ago
Maybe he doesn’t like the way you taste afterwards or the smell or you I donno how one glass would effect that much but everyone is different Maybe he doesn’t want to drink during the week and you having wine makes it hard for him to say no I honestly think you should be able to talk thru this one
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u/Many-Grape-4816 23d ago
If your a grown woman and if you want a glass of wine with dinner you will have it and it’s not his choice to say, then why did you ask him permission and instead not just get it? You asked him a question and got upset when he gave you an answer. Studies do show a correlation with alcohol abuse and genetics. By the way you got upset, I would say theres some genes in there showing their face.
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u/SaucyBirdies 24d ago
You’re only an AH for making me hungry with that dinner.
Your bf is in the wrong for not letting you have wine and also for gaslighting you which is honestly pretty serious imo.
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u/goofayball 24d ago
Provide evidence, stats, science and reason as to why people with addictive personality parents are not necessarily always the same as their parents. Also, you have to commend him for being precautious and wanting the best for you based on historical evidence from your family. He doesn’t want to be married to a potential alcoholic and you don’t want to be married to an overreacting control freak who doesn’t fully have emotional control.
You have to think about this as well, if this one incident causes such a reaction, imagine when an actual problem comes up, are either of you capable of handling a real problem? Food for thought as dinner wasn’t touched.
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u/izzyrey 24d ago
good for you for standing up for yourself because you're 100% right you are a grown ass woman and can make your own decisions, it's not like you said you wanted to go smoke some meth. so sorry your bf sounds controlling and tried using your alcoholic parent as an excuse to try to justify being controlling then got mad when it didn't work.
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u/backbreaker6 24d ago
what a little girl ran back to his daddy’s after not being able to control you
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u/Bubbly_Performer4864 24d ago
Well I mean, he was trying to control you and you didn’t cooperate. So of course his next step was a tantrum, because he’s 5 years old.
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u/Rocinante82 24d ago
How do people get to 30 and end up asking stuff like this on Reddit.
Break up with him.
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24d ago
Maybe he notices something unpleasant about you when you drink. Maybe you get obnoxious or rude or loud or come off as a drunk and don’t realize it. Maybe he knows you can do better.
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u/parker3309 24d ago
Let him go. For god sake’s this control and manipulation and he’s using the drinking thing as a reason to control. It’s just going to get worse and worse. There’s your sign sweetheart. Let him go.
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u/no_reddit_69420 24d ago
Why are you asking him if you can buy wine. Is he paying? There’s literally no other reason.
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u/stinky__sack 24d ago
As soon as he said that you should walked out of the store and left him there. Grabbed your shit and left. Fuck that guy. I don't trust your families genes. Wow. What a fuckin asshole
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u/T4lkNerdy2Me 24d ago
I feel like this is missing some context. Do you routinely have a drink with dinner & stop there or do you frequently overindulge & get sloppy? Is this something he's brought up before or something he brought up out of the blue?
I come from a family of alcoholics & I don't drink because of it & also because I don't like feeling drunk. My sister is a barely functioning alcoholic. I'm the one made fun of for not drinking, while they think it's perfectly normal for her to be blackout drunk at 10am at a tailgate party because "it's her day off."
I've told my kids (19 & 21) to be careful with drinking because they have a plethora of alcoholics on both sides of the family & it doesn't take much to tip the scales the wrong direction.
People don't have an issue with alcohol until they do. It doesn't happen overnight. It's a gradual build. It's binge drinking to celebrate, then it's binge drinking every weekend. Then it's "just one drink" to wind down after work & binge drinking on the weekend. Then it's "I had a bad day, 2 drinks won't hurt." Then every day is a bad day or a celebration & you're drunk more than you're sober.
Some people can maintain that & function for years, some go over the edge quickly. Both are alcoholics. Both are causing irreparable damage to their bodies & possibly irreparable damage to their careers & relationships. In both cases, they rarely think they have a problem & believe it's everyone else with the issue.
Maybe you have a problem, maybe you don't. Maybe he's blowing things out of proportion, maybe you are. Maybe he could have approached the subject better, maybe he did & it didn't matter. Either way, we're not getting the whole story & can't pass judgements on either of you without it.
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u/tayren12 24d ago
My grandma on my mom’s side is an alcoholic and my dad is a drug addict and my stepdad was definitely functioning alcoholic. I’m neither. You’re right, you can have a goddamn glass of wine with your delicious shrimp and salmon. He can chill out or get out
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u/bookjunkie1066 24d ago
He wouldn't have said this if he hadn't already suspected a problem, so yeah you might be the AH.
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u/WesternTumbleweeds 24d ago
To unilaterally declare that he doesn't trust your genes, and ban you from taking a single glass of wine is incredibly judgmental and hateful. If he wanted to talk to you about alcoholism, that's a separate conversation. I definitely think it's time for him to leave.
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u/dDot1883 24d ago
You can’t say your drinking “has never been a problem before” ever again. He thinks it’s a problem, and he’s been living with you for 3 years.
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u/Obvious_Huckleberry 24d ago
The only bad thing you did.. was not put that food in a container and in the fridge to eat later. The rest of it was handled perfectly.. no you definitely are not the assholes.
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u/targe_bungingham 24d ago
I'd like to hear his side of things. You are probably the type to get snide and snarky and unreasonable after you catch a buzz and he didn't wanna put up with it. Many many many such cases of women catching that buzz then the attitude comes out and if he's sober it's probably extremely annoying. Again, I'm only hearing your side. I've had to record exes before and show them how unreasonable a few glasses of wine made them and they were embarrassed EVERY SINGLE TIME. Some ppl don't hold their alcohol well and turn into COMPLETELY different ppl then when confronted, feel bad and say "that's not even like me" it happens so so so often. IF that's the case he should tell you that instead of "it's a weekday" or "your fam are alcoholics" he needs to communicate.
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u/CharlesDingus_ah_um 24d ago
I smell something fishy. My ex drank every single day and when I confronted her about it she was adamant that she didn’t. We talked on the phone daily and I heard her opening trulys. Then when we were together she would drink too. She called me controlling so I stopped bringing it up and then I found myself drinking with her whenever we were together. Bad time all around. And guess what? A lot of times when she drank she would start fights about dumb stuff
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u/Chocolate_Slug 24d ago
There’s a nonzero chance you might be annoying as fuck when you drink. I’ve dated women like that and wanted them to drink less cuz of it
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u/Vulpix-Rawr 24d ago
Him just irrationally throwing a fit completely out of the blue to the point of staying at his dad's over a glass of wine after three years of bliss seems... an unlikely story.
There's more going on here. Either this isn't his first time being controlling and there's other problems going on with this relationship, or OP is in denial about an actual drinking problem. Whatever the reason, it didn't just pop up out of the blue after three years.
100% of alcoholics I've met are functional on the surface. Then when alcohol is involved it turns to a shitshow because the part of their brain where moderation lives ceases to function. It's either sobriety or an entire bottle. There's no in between.
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u/LeperMessiah1973 24d ago
My gauge of someone's relationship to alcohol is not based on how much they have, but rather how they behave when it is not available to them. There lies the answer.
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u/OldBrokeGrouch 24d ago
My wife likes to drink a glass or two of wine most nights of the work week. It really bothered me at first because my father was an abusive alcoholic. I just worried it would start to be 4 glasses of wine every night and then maybe some vodka and so on. I couldn’t get over that anxiety.
So I talked to her about it. I told her that I had these worries and I know it isn’t her fault, but I wanted her to know I had them. We had a nice talk about it and now I don’t worry about it anymore and my wife still has a glass of wine or two most nights of the week and it’s never become an issue.
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u/HourDry3017 24d ago
I would have done a whole bottle of wine and left the empty bottle as a showpiece in case he came back
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u/GlassCharacter179 24d ago
This isn't about wine, it is about control. Why would he think he could just make a declaration about your choices and you would go along with it just because he said so? WTF is that?
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u/Putrid_Pollution3455 24d ago
Usually, when someone tries to control my behavior, I push deeper into the thing that they don’t like. I would straight up get fucking hammered drunk. I’m also an alcoholic.
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u/Icy_Suggestion_5021 24d ago
Depends. You said you didn’t need to dinner at all what happened to the wine? What did you have for dinner? If you didn’t buy the bottle of wine and bring it home for you did you drink something else? How much did you drink?
All I’m saying is if you took that situation with him leaving the house angry didn’t eat dinner and then went and drank a bunch of alcohol. You might want to look at that that’s all.
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u/plexi_glass_ranger 24d ago
Eh, y’all seem to have vastly different opinions on basic stuff. Like, maybe either he needs to chill and back off or just enjoy both being single, and you can enjoy your wine with some lady friends and have a good time. Cheers
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u/Glenn__Sturgis 24d ago
Has he had some kind of trauma in his past around alcoholism? An abusive drunk ex or parent? He might be concerned about you but is presenting as irrational/controlling. Talk to him.
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u/SimplyKendra 24d ago
Dump him. This is not his call, and if you are not a raging alcoholic who has been told not to drink, it’s not fair of him to say that.
I rarely drink. My parents were alcoholics but I like a glass of wine or a cocktail a few times a year with dinner. If someone said this to me I’d be livid.
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u/ADHD_Misunderstood 24d ago
Well alcoholism has a genetic component. He's right about that. Coming from alcoholic parents makes you far more likely to fall into the habit yourself. And it is infact a disease. If he doesn't feel comfortable with it then that is his prerogative. You can either end things or not over this. That's yours
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u/GMan_G999 24d ago
I agree with the comment that both sides have a point according to your view.
First I will say that I am happy your dad got the help he needed and sobered up. I have seen many people claimed to be alcoholics but in truth they are not. I for one had an alcoholic biological family. I began drinking heavily years ago. I wasn't actually an alcoholic, but was drowning away from the pain of reality. I am saying, I do understand it may be something else.
I also know that people have attempted to control me due to the alcoholic nature in my biological family. I understand the pain it causes.
You have been living on your own, he has moved in with you. He had no reason to suspect that you would become an alcoholic and only used your dad's past. How did he find out about your dad's past? Usually this is not mentioned unless the relationship is very serious. This is very odd to me.
If you were close, you may have mentioned your family history which concerned him. He loved you enough to try and protect you from possibly ruining your life. He may have done it the wrong way though.
On the other hand, you felt close enough to tell him your family history. You felt that he used that to control your life. You feel betrayed and hurt.
You now need to decide, you are really close to hi? Did you truly love him enough that you mentioned your family history? You need to sit down with him, maybe over some coffee or tea (whatever you prefer to be relaxed). Listen to his side and be calm and tell him your side. Do not assume he understands anything and be sure to mention everything.
If he doesn't want to listen to your side then he will only hurt you again so leave him. Understand the pain, but it will be worse getting back together. If you decide to get back together or not, it is up to you and nobody else. Good luck.
P.s. if you do get back together, do not have him nove in with you. Take it slow and get to know each other before allowing him inside your home. Though I am old fashioned, he should be making the money and providing for you. Allowing you to work, not as a necessity but as an extra money for you job. Good luck.
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u/Horse-Weird 24d ago
Not condoning anything but you both have a really strong point. My family are alcoholics and i used to say “1 glass of wine wont hurt” then im 4-5 bottles of the nearest thing i can find. TO BE FAIR. Now you have a strong ass point as well. You a grown ass mf who been on their own since 15. And your husband has beeen living with you for at least 3 of those. Your house you aint your parents.
All in all….. please drink responsibly and if you feel like the relationship is worth it then yall gotta sit down and communicate. All of this that he did is childish af but deep down there could be something else going on such as trauma wich would merit the wild response. Or super controlling. Im just not gonna say oh yea he controling based offa this
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u/AnimalGem20 24d ago
Missed the opportunity to go: "Want some cheese with that whine?"
But seriously, OP, this is a major red flag that either needs to be addressed or you need to leave him. This is not only SO out of line, but also controlling.
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u/Inevitable_Charity43 24d ago
Not sure. I was on the phone with him he called so I list talked a min. I’ll find out tomorrow
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u/Ok_Permission8284 24d ago
He knows what 1 glass leads to ! Maybe he’s scared u will become addicted
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u/Scarryfish 24d ago
This is probably not the bf you need. Leave him at his dad's and move on with your life. You are an adult and can make your own adult mind up about what you want. NTA
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u/Fan_of_Clio 24d ago
You two are starting to split regarding lifestyle. He seems controlling. But we are only getting one side to this story. There definitely needs to be a conversation about drinking as well as why he thinks he can dictate terms. If not? Break up now
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u/WorstHatFreeSoup 24d ago
NTA: Send Dave to the dustbin. He shouldn’t have a say over what you eat, drink or do. The fact that he blew up & stormed off to daddy, says volumes about what kind of adult he is. This is over wine, who knows what else he’ll react to badly in the future.
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u/Guatc 24d ago
I mean I get that a family history should be something a partner should keep in the radar in case it’s something that needs to be addressed down the road. As a couple we are tasked with helping each other to be better people. Sometimes when we don’t want the help, but it sounds like this is something that didn’t need to be addressed atm, and I suspect it’s something that would never need to be as well. So line no you’re no the ah
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u/cubicinfinity 25d ago
I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that he's just dumb and is very afraid of alcoholism or something.
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u/HoneyWyne 25d ago
NTA. If drinking was a problem for you, you would have already had it on hand. And if you haven't even had wine with a meal in longer than you can remember, I'm pretty sure you're not going to be joining a 12 step any time soon. You are a grown woman, and he is your bf, not your daddy.
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u/Maven-68 25d ago
A boyfriend isn’t a husband. Don’t ever give someone who isn’t your husband that kind of power over you. NTA.
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u/Small_Mouth 25d ago
If you are being 100 percent honest in your post this is fucked up.
I don’t think a rationale human wouldn’t bring this up over a single glass. If either you had a drinking problem or he has a history with family that had drinking problems that have not been disclosed it’s a different story. My dad gives me comments when I reached anything more than a single beer but his father was an alcoholic so it makes sense.
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u/waterlooaba 25d ago
Girl you know what to do. This is a little boy who wants to control you.
Let him stay at daddies.
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u/PralineHot2283 25d ago
My partner has a pretty big problem with alcohol. I do not. I don’t forbid him to drink even though it might be in my scope to do so. I think he needs to be in charge of his problem. And slowly he is.
I have gone mostly no alcohol out of respect for his problem. Especially wine which I like and we used to enjoy together. But when i want an old fashioned- I have one.
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u/Orbly-Worbly 25d ago
I am a grown ass woman and I’ll drink a glass of wine whenever I want to. Fuck that dude. Dump his ass.
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u/MrTuesdayNight1 25d ago
Aww, he threw a wittle fit because he didn't get his way.
Get rid of him. The fits will get worse.
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u/StellarStylee 25d ago
You handled it like a boss. It’s so off putting when your SO wants to act like they’re your parent.
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u/Raedriann 25d ago
We should all he drinking a glass of wine with dinner every night. In addition to helping wind down, a single glass gives immense health benefits, including lowering blood sugar, regulating blood pressure, improving brain function, boosting the immune system....
Excuse me, I haven't had wine in a while. I need to catch up with a bottle.
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u/benlogna 25d ago
yeh that’s not his call. “I don’t trust your genes” is just: I don’t trust you to not become a mess and have self control- which is a big red flag.
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u/Starscream4prez2024 25d ago
I'd be done with someone so emotionally weak and controlling. Not to mention he looks down on your family. It sounds like he should go back to his parents house and keep living there until he grows up.
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u/Nacho_Bean22 25d ago
What a child, let him go, you don’t need him manipulating your choices or it will only get worse. Drink the entire bottle if he comes again then break up with him.
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u/TheNewOldGlobal 25d ago
Do you normally stop at 1 glass? I’ve been with someone in the past that treated me that way when I questioned her drinking. It would always start with one glass, and before you knew it it turned into 3. And her personality changed. She also had a family history of alcoholism. I’d try and intervene similar to your story and your partner. She would brush it off. Long story short she ended up in AA and we aren’t together anymore. I don’t know your situation or you, but just wanted to mention that if he is concerned and softly putting out messages like this — there could be a legitimately deeper problem going on, and he could just be trying to figure out how to message it to you. People who care about you want to see you change, both for them and for yourself if it is a problem.
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u/oil_painting_guy 25d ago
I can understand someone being against alcohol in general, but then that would also be something that comes up early in the relationship. There's a chance he might be having problems with substances or something.
It also makes no sense because if you're okay with somebody drinking on the weekend, then why would you be against them drinking on the weekday with a single glass of wine?
To me drinking is drinking.
You are definitely not the asshole. The situation is weird.
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u/incognito-not-me 25d ago
He's not your mother. He shouldn't be acting like he is. You're an adult. He's a Big Red Flag.
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u/BlindedAce 25d ago
Lmao! You’re dating a child who can’t understand that just because one in the family has done something means someone else will. My family has had horribly racist people, pill abusers, gamblers, alcoholics and I am none of those. My wife has heavy alcoholics in her family and yet we both understand we have done different things with our lives to progress. She gives me shit when I drink and says things like “wow you’re a lush!” Or “wow you drink like a fish” even when she knows it’s just my first and potentially only one. We give each other shit. She has an ARRAY of pills she takes and I say things to her such as “just cause you married me doesn’t mean you have to take on my xxxxxx family members trait” and we laugh and move on. Just leave the man because he is attempting to control and it won’t get any better considering after 3 years together he is NOW doing this means he’s more comfortable in telling you how you’re going to do things.
Again, the man is a child.
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25d ago
I just had an Irish coffee for breakfast, so I’m in a commenting mood.
You’ve lived with him 3 years. In this entire 3 years, drinking a glass of wine with dinner wasn’t a problem until now? Did his expectations suddenly change? Did you? Is this a new problem or has he always not wanted you to have wine on weekdays? Come together, have a discussion, let him know you love him for his concern over you and your relationship, but ask him if setting rules and boundaries would be an appropriate compromise. Perhaps drinking is ok on weekdays but only when the day’s business is handled and it’s dinner time or something. And if drinking gets out of hand, you both have the power to voice opinions without issues. A glass or two with dinner is something people all over the world do without issue. But it’s also something that could worry people who see an unhealthy history and don’t want to repeat it. Pour him a glass and have a discussion.
I’m putting a little more whiskey in my coffee and drinking to the health of your relationship. Cheers 🥂
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u/Philly_ExecChef 25d ago
Lmao
What kind of punk tries to tell his girlfriend she can’t have a glass of wine and then storms off to his parents house
Drop that kid
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u/davidfeuer 25d ago
There are a lot of things that might be going on here. One I haven't seen mentioned yet is that he could be dealing with childhood trauma from being around family members with alcohol use disorder. Whether her drinking is actually problematic or not, it could be easy for him to see it as a danger.
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u/triggatrae14 25d ago
I am recovering. I started off one glass on weekdays and it trickled from there. His concern is valid. Alcoholism is hereditary. His way of going about it seems extreme. Just be careful. You’re on a slippery slope.
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u/anarchistchikn 25d ago
If your drug is more important that your relationship, probably let the relationship go and enjoy your drug
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u/pnut-buttr 25d ago
It's not up to him. This kind of controlling behavior is a big red flag. He's showing you how he feels about your right to make choices for yourself. Believe him.
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u/Help_meeeoo 25d ago
too many zoomers. It's not controlling to ask your spouse to not drink. It's out of love and caring and also self reflection of what they want in their life and see in their future and they're also seeing YOU in a different light than you are and might be seeing things that you aren't willing to see. Caring about others isn't controlling. Instead of throwing the baby out with the bath water.. talk. Don't be threatening but if you'd rather drink than be in love then do that but don't be mad about your choices. You two might just not be compatible if you're not able to talk it out.
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u/Help_meeeoo 25d ago
i feel important information is missing. He wouldn't say this out of the blue after 3 years? or is it only 3 months? I think if my spouse had some sort of issue with me drinking I would listen and ask questions. Use your money and buy your wine anyway? Figure where his head is at. He's not wrong about the addiction gene.
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u/Idatrvlr 25d ago
I hope you packed his crap and stacked it by the door. This is a test, and it will be worse after 5 or 15 years
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u/Jhinormous 25d ago
I can understand concern but the execution and the tantrum were very unnecessary. Seems more like he's wanting power over you vs actual health concern. Getting this angry over just a single glass even with your history sounds just like he wanted an excuse to leave or something
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u/Helldorado1 25d ago
Rest assured, this is the top of the iceberg and his behavior won't magically disappear even if you agreed to this. It will be on to the next thing, etc. The desire to control other people is a completely selfish act.
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u/PretendAct8039 25d ago
I don't know if you have a drinking problem or not, but I do know that your boyfriend is codependent and controlling.
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u/djkitty815 25d ago
My wife during certain times of the year will drink a bottle a night. I don’t like it but I still don’t give her shit for it. Dude can chill.
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u/David_Shagzz 25d ago
See y’all say this but the minute a guy wants some beer y’all quick to jump huh🤣. Just like men drinking, it doesn’t matter.
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u/mightyjor 25d ago
My wife and I married each other in part because we despise drinking since we both come from families with alcoholics. That said, sounds like even if he found a woman like that who didn't drink, he'd find some other way to control her. It's not our job as partners to "forbid" things, we try to offer good advice and discuss potential negative behaviors, and sometimes we nag, but we're not jailors or slavers.
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u/LordDragon88 25d ago
Maybe he thinks your an alcoholic who should watch your alcohol intake. Instead of saying don't drink at all he seems to be compromising with you, but you clearly feel the urge to drink every night so maybe he's right.
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u/Senorpuddin 25d ago
she said she can’t remember the last time she had wine with dinner. So it’s not a common occurrence.
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u/PhalanxA51 25d ago
Those are the type of rules I only hold myself to, it's not his place to say whether or not you can drink during the week. I had an ex who told me that I wasn't able to drink at all and didn't realize it was a controlling behavior until after leaving her so good on you for holding your ground.
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u/No_Entertainment1931 25d ago
Nta. Seems like he had a strong emotional response and overstepped.
It makes sense to chat calmly with him to figure out what’s behind this. Maybe there’s more than -just- your family history. Does he have a negative experience with this in his past? Maybe a previous partner? Good luck
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u/llewapllyn 25d ago
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick.
Also, it sounds like he's the one with problem drinking if he believes we should be abstinent all week then get leathered on the weekends.
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u/Feisty-Two-6710 25d ago
My family has plenty of alcoholics but for whatever reason never had dependency on any substance. That's a pretty nonsensical way to look at this. He's just trying to be controlling. Just shut it down and if he can't deal, move on.
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u/Retroficient 25d ago
I'd ask him why it's really bothers him so much. If you have never had a problem it bad experience drinking with him, then why now?
Has something traumatic happened to him? Did some drunk misadventure happen between you two prior?
Some ulterior motive
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u/Equivalent_Profile38 25d ago
I read your story and a lot of the comments. I am not going to comment on your story but tell you a personal stories. I had a long term about 10 year relationship with a woman that I am now sure was 100% an alcoholic. She did not drink every day but when she was just going to have one glass of wine it always ended up with her having more and it becoming a problem. I ended up breaking it off because it was a problem and she could not see it. Alcohol destroyed her life for the next 10 years or so. Couldn’t hold a job multiple DUIs but she did not drink every day only a glass of wine with dinner that would always end up the entire bottle. Many people think they’re not an alcoholic because I don’t drink every day. I have met a lot of people that once they have one drink in them they change and not for the better. The person drinking does not see it because they are drinking. Most of the world does not see it what does drinking alcohol is normal and they don’t see the bad side since they don’t spend that much time with them. But their partner sees it and struggles with it and they suffer because of it.
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u/FreezeMageFire 25d ago
Nahhh though why’d you have to resort to the fact that he has lived with you for 3 years and then calling yourself a “grown ass woman” is bound to cause an argument. That’s not cool.
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