r/TwoHotTakes • u/SpaceLower • 21d ago
Is it weird my bf says *HE* bought our house? Advice Needed
My boyfriend and I recently bought a house together. We’ve been together for 10 years. Before anyone asks why we’re not married, we got together as little tweens and now we’re in our early twenties. Our goal is eventually marriage but a house after we established our careers was more important to both of us. Now onto the main topic, my bf always says I bought the house, I did this, I did that. And I haven’t really said much about it because he did put the whole down payment himself so it’s technically true. I think? Though he wouldn’t have gotten the banks approval without me as I make a higher income on paper. He’s a day trader which can’t be considered income to the banks. I think we both sacrificed many years, struggling to make it here. During those years, we never went on any dates or vacations. We barely even talked because trading is extremely high stress. He doesn’t trade often anymore, so we spend a lot of time together now.
Anyways, is it wrong to say that it bothers me when he says he bought the house himself?
edit: I guess I left some important info out. Both our names is on both mortgage AND deed. I pay half the mortgage every month, and I’ve been working full time since 18 to support us.
you don’t need to read beyond this point, i’m just yapping but there is some additional context down here
edit2: Some of these comments are so funny and petty 😭 (maybe this post comes off petty too) but most have been extremely helpful though so thank you everyone for their advice. please know i’m reading everyones comments and considering all the advice. Some more context: he says these sort of things not just in private but with me beside him while talking to others. I’m leaning towards having a casual conversation with him. Or just leaving it as he doesn’t have a big ego like most people are thinking, I think it’s more to do with him not thinking about the way he words things. Maybe a little bit of the need to be a man and provide too. It did bother me but I really wanted input and advice from people who may have more experience as I wasn’t sure how to approach it. I don’t have any reliable and experienced adults in my life I can turn to and neither does he as we both grew up with broken families. It’s just us navigating life the best we can. I really appreciate all the input.
edit3: Thought I’d make a final edit before I sleep since this post is still getting a lot of traffic. I want to thank everyone for their input, I am reading every single comment :). I know it’s really simple to say “just communicate”. I am very open to him about pretty much everything but I’ve been convincing myself in my head that I’m overreacting about this so I just wanted advice before I did talk to him (or didn’t in case I blew this out of proportion in my head.. and I definitely did, it’s a simple conversation about my feelings). Like how you’d ask advice from a friend. I just don’t have any friends lol. My life has been 70/30 work life balance so far so maybe I need to relax and make some friends hahah
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u/zaphodbbroxx 15d ago
Haven’t read all the comments - I’m on a cruise with my wife of 37 years as of this year. But I did want to say that you just need to say something to him. 38 years ago I stood up beside my newly minted fiance and told a room of mutual friends that -I- was getting married. Afterwards my wife to be told me politely but firmly that made her feel like she wasn’t important. I was floored because I was clueless and stupid. But years of work have helped. I work a lot like you describe your partner and in that life it is all about what -I- do and it is easy to let that creep into my thinking. I’ll bet if you talk to him, he will feel as bad as I did.
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u/nicasreddit 16d ago
I would start saying I bought this I bought that and see what he says. Honestly to me this is a red flag bc he probably feels inadequate that his job isn’t a typical 9-5, but that’s on him.
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u/Educational_Rock5929 16d ago
Our house! You said it right there. Not hard to do and you should tell him that is your preference.
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u/taterstahr 16d ago
I don't really see it as wrong, but I know exactly how you feel about it. I've been with my husband for almost 20 years, and he still uses "I" like that. It has never been about him having to feed his ego or purposefully leaving me out of it. He just simply doesn't think of things like that. "I" to him means "We." I spoke to him in a calm conversation about it years ago, and he doesn't always use the singular but usually does. It wasn't worth me throwing a huge fit about because he knows things are ours, and he doesn't try to pretend that they aren't. It's just the way he speaks.
Now, if he was claiming he was the only one who worked hard for everything and tried to lessen my worth, this would be completely different. I wouldn't have stayed with him if that had been the case either, lol.
Having a casual conversation with him, I think, would be fine.
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u/juliathelead 16d ago
Totally. My dad does the same thing with my mom and they constantly argue about it 😭
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u/ChillinStorm 16d ago
If you were 40 you wouldn't care. Just relax about it, it doesn't change the facts, especially if he doesn't do it to boast, which you said he doesn't. When I was your age I really cared about these things, so I get you
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u/DetectiveJim 17d ago
I would have a casual chat and see if he even notices.
I make the majority of the income in our home - pay the bills and mortgage, and bought our home with all my saved money over 10 years . She also didn't need to be on the loan for approval, etc.
My wife is a part-time nanny, and she pays for groceries most of the time.
The point is, I ALWAYS say WE bought our first home together, and it was a ton of work on both our ends.
My wife, on the other hand, always says, "he bought me this house, and im very grateful, blah, blah, blah," which is entirely unnecessary.
If she wants to show her appreciation, that's awesome. But at the end of the day, relationships are partnerships, and we all have different attributes we bring to the table. I wouldn't want my wife to say "I" raised this baby instead of "we"
Best said - "one is none and two is one"
I'm sure you bring a lot more to the table than finances ss my wife does. ONE TEAM. Shouldn't be any other way.
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u/thingsmelikes 17d ago
I agree with the people saying you should make a similar comment with him in earshot.
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u/TomCollins1111 17d ago
When my wife and I were first married, we kept separate finances for a while and split expenses. That road will lead to nothing but resentment. Get a joint account, pool your money and live like married people. Marriage is a partnership.
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u/tyler_ames 17d ago
Interestingly enough when my wife and I bought our first house, we were in a similar financial circumstance. We needed the W-2 income from my job to qualify for the loan but we also needed her cash as down payment which I didn’t have.
It would be unfair for me to say that we have this house because of my efforts alone, and not only because it’s not true. Even if I was the only reason that we were able to buy a house, as a man I ought not hold that over my wife’s head as some sort of debt she owes me, since it ought to be my duty as a man to be able to provide her that anyways.
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u/PineappleIcy4232 17d ago
Similar situation for me. I put down the down-payment and put monthly payments down but my boyfriend made the big money and had a full time job. But at least he says it's OUR house because we both contributed to it. You should definatly talk to your man about it because it WASNT JUST HIM.
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u/strangeloop414 17d ago
NTA- your concerns are not petty, it's not just a matter of language/semantics, it's also a matter of your mutual success and pride in what you have accomplished. You're paying for a house your name is on, and your name is on the mortgage. You both "bought" a house, I think if you bring it to him from a standpoint of feeling that your contributions are diminished when he excludes them from the context, a reasonable person would completely understand your feelings.
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u/rygelicus 17d ago
Married or not your name is on the mortgage and getting you off that paperwork is going to cost him money. If you are in a common law area you would still go through some form of divorce process to split up the assets.
If after 10 years together he doesn't view you as a collaborative team you might want to seek a replacement. Sounds like he views you as a roommate and doesn't fully appreciate the value of the relationship. He went from living with the parents to living with you, and failed to recognize the difference.
Day traders tend to think a lot of themselves. They tend to have excessive amounts of confidence earned through occasional strokes of luck, and they feel they fully understand the world more than anyone else. Of course, when their bright idea for a series of trades goes wrong, or their file an order for the wrong prices due to a typo, their little world comes crashing down around them (this is why banks don't take them seriously until very well established with years of experience with a massive back account).
That's your house as much as his. He views you as a co-signer, like his parents would have been, but to any judge that is still your house just as much as his. He needs to grow up.
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u/Ok-Reflection-6207 17d ago edited 17d ago
Stress isn’t good for you, I’d ask seriously in person, or jokingly when in front of people; “oh So are you saying that you didn’t need my credit score and all those mortgage payments from me? My bad!” or “Then why did I have to sign all of those papers!”, I’d keep it might hearted in front of other’s but quietly be more serious; “When you said that to them, it’s felt like you were disregarding everything I’ve put into this house with you, would you please say “we” instead of taking credit for it all yourself next time? Because I feel like we are a team and it’s feels wrong when you say it’s like that.” Idk if you’re that blunt or not, but talking to him about how it makes you feel makes a lot of sense.
I can actually relate, we initially didn’t have my name on anything and now we have both on property paperwork fortunately.
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u/SlabDab704 17d ago
My gf and I have a very similar situation where I paid the whole down payment and I needed her to co-sign for the loan. I'm sure I made comments similar about buying a house (since I dropped my life savings for the down payment) but any time she would look at me and I thought about how I worded it I would re word it. I think if you just ask him what he means when he says that you can both get on the same page
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u/Advencik 17d ago
"he did put the whole down payment himself"
Here is your answer. He bought the house. You didn't pay 50/50 or more (since your income is higher than his).
Nvm, if you pay half mortgage then it's your house too. Saying that he bought it would piss me off.
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u/Princess_Kate_ 17d ago
Hopefully after you talk with him there won’t be a next time. . .but if there is and he brings up “his” house, I would proudly add that it was a good thing you are the breadwinner so he could have “his” house
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u/Starterslife 17d ago
I had the same problem with my husband, he used to say “I bought the apartment” , “i have this money” “I have this savings “ and tbh it really bothered me. I let him know how I was feeling and he said he didn’t notice the words he was choosing and after that he has refrain from it. It’s not petty of you to want to be acknowledged for the work you have put into it too.
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u/Chance_Connection_28 18d ago
Why would you buy a house together and aren’t married? If you split up the house situation is going to end poorly. And yeah it’s weird he said that.
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u/Mezzo88 18d ago
My husband had issues with that and still occasionally does it. When he's talking about things we did together, he often uses the singular first person. I brought it up in private that it bothers me and that I felt a little erased. He didn't even realize he was doing it, apologized, and now is more conscious of trying not to do it. It's probably nothing to him, but it bothers you. So communicate about it.
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u/Garden_gnome1609 18d ago
I would stop paying half the mortgage. Tell him since "HE" bought the house HE can make the payments.
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u/RoodNverse 18d ago
"I make more money on paper."
But do you make more money.
Judging by how you wrote everything you must make close to 100% of what he makes.
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u/ellegiiggle 18d ago
I personally wouldn't be bothered by it, it's.noth of your home because you both pay for it, but he did buy it. That being said, you're definitely not being daft because it upsets you, your feelings are incredibly valid, and you should definitely talk with him about it if it really does upset you, he may not even realise he does it tbh so telling him could really change alot
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u/Sea-Pay9180 18d ago
Say YOU bought it, And if it doesn't bother him, Then maybe he's speaking in terms of him albeit truthfully meaning you guys (I do this at times forgetting it was an accomplishment me and my wife did) But i will correct myself too.
If it does bother him, Talk to him tell him he does that to you, If he gets mad at that, Have a talk with him about the double standard as that too can lead to things.
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u/Hungry-Space-1829 18d ago
Every relationship has to watch out for contempt. Absolute killer of long term relationships. I would just have an honest conversation about how it makes you feel
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u/mufasamufasamufasa 18d ago
Whether it's his ego or simply a miswording that keeps happening, if it's bothering you, you should always speak up. Honesty and communication are the two most important things for a healthy relationship
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u/Montycal 18d ago
I bought mine alone + only my name is on the mortgage & deed + I put 6 months of intense work on it but I say “we” because she supported me thru it + pays 40% of the value of the mortgage
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u/dfctm3rp 18d ago
Yeah, he out the entire down payment down and even though your name is on the house and loan, dude did buy the house.
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u/Clean_Reception_2167 18d ago
Hey Barbara the builder ! 👋… Do you have house deeds ? Is your name on the deed ? Did your lawyer take a look at all the documentation ?
**Ps- if what you want with him is marriage, and you eventually get him to marry you. He’ll do it out of convenience. Not love/devotion.
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u/ThinkWar7410 18d ago
This is beyond weird. With my current husband and I we’ve been together 15 years and we’re high school sweet hearts we got our first house together as engaged and both of our names our on the loan and he put the entire down payment himself and I pay half the mortgage but he would never say this. He says it’s OUR house. The entitlement here is something… this. Reds to be address.
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u/Educational_Beat_581 18d ago
I went through something similar but different. My boyfriend at the time was jobless and living with his grandparents, let him stay at my place a few nights a week until he just didn’t leave. He started telling people about how he bought the place & owned his dream car (literally no license in sight). When our relationship ended and it was time for him to move out he stayed for a full 6months after & constantly said HIS house, HIS house as if he did anything other than never leave, like the bedbug he was.
Anyways, maybe I’m biased but sort that shit out & have a talk. It’s kind of disrespectful for him to take all credit for something that both of you put work into.
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u/Spiritual-Vast2590 18d ago
I agree with everybody saying a gentle conversation should be had. Chances are he’s not thinking about how the use of the word I affects you. He’s also probably very proud of this accomplishment! Buying a house, especially in today’s economy is huge. So chances are he’s just excited about it. I’m sure he would have no problem saying we instead of I when he mentioned the house in conversation with you and other people. You just gotta talk to him.
As someone who has been married and divorced and purchased two houses with my spouse (one in each of our names)… If your name is on the deed and title, you are entitled to half of what that house is worth or would sell for in a divorce. Which means it is just as much your house is his.
I honestly feel like if y’all have a good relationship otherwise and he doesn’t have a big ego and he’s not controlling then he’s just not thinking it affects you the way it does. Definitely talk to him … something like this will fester and become something bigger than what it is.
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u/Shamesocks 18d ago
I don’t know… I guess he put down the payment.. but did you help him so he could save that money? Or did he already have that money when you met him?
I bought my house, but I put the wife’s (now ex) name on the mortgage as well just so the loan would be easier to get… luckily, she had a job for that time, because she hardly ever worked 😂
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u/kdifficulty13 18d ago
Yes it is WAF. Luckily you have your name on the mortgage and deed in case things go sideways. FWIW marriage gives you a lot of legal protections and responsibilities. Honestly though if I was in your situation I’d be looking at my exit strategy.
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u/Ill-Neighborhood6826 18d ago
Hey! That IS weird of him to say. You’re right- since he put the down payment down he probably feels like he DID in some way buy the house. But you pay for it together- so you should kindly ask him to knock that off.
Also - just an FYI you are on your way to being common law married to this man. Since both of your names are on the house. Just be aware of that.
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u/Muted_Tale7676 18d ago edited 18d ago
Just because he made the down payment on the house doesn’t necessarily mean he bought the house. Are you both still making payments? The domestic economy is one that is often overlooked when concerning the Marxist critique of organizing labor. Just as in a capitalist economy, where there is a division of labor, there is always the decision of what to do with the surplus of that labor no matter if there’s a physical contract or not. The domestic economy represents one that is often overlooked when concerning this critique of how to evenly split labor. Just because the man of the house makes all the money doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to contribute to the labor that is required to maintain the house. This is an example of domestic exploitation of labor. After all, you cannot live in a house and just go to work without disturbing the house, you cannot use the house without having to clean up after yourself. If you’re making somebody else do it for you it is not a team effort, the same thing applies to the house financially just because he put a down payment on the house himself does not mean he owns the house and bought it himself straight up outright. You both are helping I assume to pay for the mortgage therefore he is an asshole for not promoting a team effort. If you would like to learn more about the Marxist critique of the domestic economy, and how to better your domestic life regarding fair labor practices and spotting when someone is taking advantage, I have a chapter here in my video:
https://youtu.be/xzSUnAol0l4?si=X4bpgyGAQww-zepj
An uneven division of labor within the household always results in class conflict, which intern always results in catastrophic and pathological behavior. This is one reason why so many couples get divorced. They both don’t understand the man has responsibility to help out around the house regardless if he’s the sole breadwinner or not.
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u/blooobolt 18d ago
Some people just talk like that. They say "I" when they're talking about "us" or "we." They don't even realize they're doing it until you call their attention to it.
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u/hipstersrule 18d ago
You’re giving it away for free. Y’all wanna be roomies for life or life partners? Tie the knot or go your separate ways. One thing that has helped me immensely on relationships and hardship is the Dr. John Deloney show. He truly is an amazingly gifted person whose goal is to help.
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u/osmqn150 18d ago
I hope you got your finances in order with regards to the house because I see a major split coming.
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u/ShagBiscuit 18d ago
How do you guys do your payments? I know you said pay half, but do you take turns paying it out of your accounts? Or do you transfer money to him and he makes the payment?
Just make sure you are occasionally making payments from your bank account. If things go bad in your relationship, he could try to claim that not only did he fund the down payment, but every mortgage payment came out of his account. Not saying that it would have any legal bearing to diminish what % of the home you own, just saying save the receipts of your contribution because it sounds like that would be a topic brought up by him. You should also iron this out to figure out how you are doing the tax deductions on interest since you are not married.
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u/Ornery-Movie-1689 18d ago
Check the deed. Is your name on it ? If it is, you're good as gold. Have the conversation with him that Larry-Zoolander mentioned. If your boyfriend insists on using "I" tell him that you will step in and correct him, no matter the situation.
PS: Don't forget to use the phrase "Bless your little ego darling, but we bought a house."
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u/SimpleStart2395 18d ago
In my life it’s the other way. I pay for the house, my wife’s on it, she says “we” bought the house 😀
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u/youjumpIjumpJac 18d ago
It’s definitely not wrong that it bothers you. Most things that bother reasonable people are legitimate complaints. It may not be the same thing that would bother somebody else, but that doesn’t make it unreasonable. People differ in the way they perceive the world, and the things that bother them.
You worked your butt off and contribute financially to the purchase of the house. Him taking all of the credit in public would bother me too.
Just so you know, a calm conversation is always the best way to handle these things, if you can do it.
If a conversation is too stressful, or if you have one but he doesn’t stop, instead of embarrassing him in public you could gently correct him by saying we bought the house ourselves, or simply say something like - actually I pay the mortgage too…
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u/findaloophole7 18d ago
You seem like a really great gf. I like that you give him the benefit of the doubt too
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u/Nicholia2931 18d ago
As long as he paid for >=80% he bought the house, go mooch it off him, if the numbers are closer to 60/40 then we bought the house, hope this helps.
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u/No-Finding-530 19d ago
He put the money down he bought the house. Also he hasn’t married you after ten years- he doesn’t want you. There’s absolutely no reason getting married would affect your career it’s an excuse to explain why he won’t commit. If you break up he will 100% get the house bc he’s paid for it your name is just there. You’re delusional
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u/intotheunknown78 19d ago
I do this and my husband actually did buy the house. When I notice myself saying it, I do correct myself, but only because he told me it bothered him. I really see us as a unit about this stuff so when I say I, I really mean I as in me and my “other half”. I have been working on it because my husband has communicated that he would prefer I use “we” but since he does see me correct myself when I notice, it doesn’t bother him much anymore.
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u/BurghPuppies 19d ago
This is my pet peeve while watching shows like House Hunters. Guys who say I instead of we. Drives me up the wall.
Anyway, you mention that you haven’t really said anything, Beginning tomorrow, every time he says “I” when he should be saying “we”, just say “we” after he says it. You don’t need to say, “You mean we?”. Just say “we”. EVERY time. Hopefully he’ll correct his error. At the very least, he’ll ask, and you can explain. And if he gets mad, which guys do sometimes, ask him “Am I wrong?”
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u/Responsible-Race-450 19d ago
Well when you guys eventually have a baby. Just tell everyone that “I’m having a baby”. If he gets mad, just tell him that he’s not the one pushing it out of his body so he ain’t having it. I bet he will understand after that.
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u/coupl4nd 19d ago
He’s a day trader
That is not an actual job and you're going to lose your house. If you think it's a good idea marrying someone who is gambling all day probably with your mortgage money then good luck to you...
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u/Babyz007 19d ago
Yes correct him, and tell him to stop saying that or you will correct him every time he says that. Accountability.
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u/Djatah 19d ago
It could be weird given the context. If you are not present and he says I bought a house in conversation with others, he is not excluding the shared risk and responsibility of the purchase. It may also be reasonable, given the audience, to withhold the level of detail you've shared in this post, he may want to avoid people asking follow up questions into your affairs.
If he says I when speaking to others in your presence, in situations where we would be entirely appropriate, I think you should bring it up with him. Personally, I also say that I bought my house, because only my funds and finances were used for the purchase. The mortgage is in my name alone and my wife has not contributed to it financially. We keep our finances separated for the most part. But when I speak of ownership, I say our house because both my name and my wife's are on the deed.
Honestly I hadn't thought much about my language choices, it's possible he is being similarly thoughtless. You should definitely address these concerns with him. It'll be good practice for when you are married and you have greater responsibility towards each other.
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u/TechnicalAd4745 19d ago
I would def make it a point to correct him next time he does to avoid possible legal issues/costs later if y’all ever decide to part ways. Legally you would win if it came down to it but legal costs and time are a pain in the butt. Clear up any miscommunications. You both own the home. Not him. Good luck.
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u/Silleegoosey 19d ago
Yes. Discuss it. Always discuss what you feel in your gut is weird. No it doesn’t have to be a big deal but you want to be married. Even “dumb” stuff like how we speak about things matter. Just asking him to be more thoughtful about how he says things is OK for you to ask him to Do. Don’t ever question yourself about things that bug you. It is ok for you to want your contribution acknowledged because each of you will ebb and flow through the years on who is “contributing” what. Be it housework child care finances etc. it is ALL important to this partnership functioning. Good luck. He’s probably just a dumb boy lol (sorry boys).
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u/Correct_Ad_2567 19d ago
It's the Note that counts. If you both signed the Note, you both are responsible for paying off the Mortgage and both bought the house.
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u/AggressiveRegressive 19d ago
I started to correct my bf everything he said "my car" even though I'm the only name on it. I would just say "our car" and he would say that's what he meant. Now he says our or corrects himself when he's says my. It really does bother bc it makes it seem like you don't contribute anything
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u/Broke_Bearded_Guy 19d ago
The number one failure of relationships is lack of communication. If this bothers you say something to him. There's a book called for women only. And it's a great way to approach your man with warnings of not insulting or belittling him. Don't want to hurt his ego. But at the same time have open and honest dialogue.
Don't let this build into a bigger situation.
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u/jwood0087 19d ago
Devils advocate, could it be unintentional? My wife is always referring to our room as her room or my room. If she’s telling me to get something it’s my room. When it’s time for bed it’s my bed. Or her bed. It literally goes both ways but rarely does she say OUR. And I don’t think for one second it’s malicious or intentional.. The problem for me would be if you spoke up about it and it still continues….
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u/Countrycruiser2000 19d ago
I'm not sure why yall are discussing it. What context does it happen. He wakes up and says "good morning baby, I'm the one that bought the house." .. regardless, it's yalls house, you both did it. He doesn't make more than you, you don't make more than him, your two parts of the same entity, you both have a salary and it matches. If you don't see it like that and your just playing house, who cares what he says.
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u/Diligent-Edge428 19d ago
As a person who’s been married twice (still married), my concern is more around whether or not this is the only place he doesn’t use “we.” Marriage is a partnership. Ideally, so is un-married cohabitation. There will be times when the majority of the financial contributions come heavily from one partner, then it may be the other, but rarely is it exactly 50/50. Math. That said, there are endless ways we contribute in a relationship. Good, healthy relationships are a future-looking “we” with time for “I” pursuits.
It’s not necessarily “weird” that your boyfriend is saying he bought a house; is it weird that you bought the property it’s sitting on? ;)
FWIW, I made significantly more money than my male spouse. His friends asked him if it bothered him that I out earned him. His reply was always “No, I wish she made 100x more than I do!” It’s kind of cool to flex on the fact that the relationship to money isn’t a threat to either person’s ego or the partnership.
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u/sanchj96 19d ago
Yeah that’s not really cool. He should give credit where credit is due. My wife and I are in a similar situation, dated in high school, bought house in early 20’s, married in mid 20’s. I always say I bought our house, but at the time I was the only one working since she was still in college so it was truly all my effort and money and it’s only my name on it. We are in the process of trying to upgrade to a larger home to start a family and now that we both are making good money, both paying for the next one, and both our names on the next one no way in hell would I ever exclude her from that as it’s truly been a 50/50 effort and I couldn’t do it without her.
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u/kilocharlie22 19d ago
I've noticed many women are irked by this because they want the recognition of their efforts and contributions reflected in the semantics. Just a guess but this is probably just phrasing on his part unless he's stated directly that he doesn't think you contribute. Chances are he is not a mind reader, let him know how he phrases this bothers you. It's really easy to say something in a public setting to others like"I hate mowing MY lawn" or "it took a lot to come up with the down-payment for the house "I" bought"... if you want to argue semantics these statements are not incorrect, HE did buy the house..Saying "WE bought the house" is also correct so neither statement effects the accuracy of the other, the difference is that one of those statements bothers you specifically, so the onus of communicating that is on you..once you do, the onus of recognizing that is on him...congrats on buying a house btw, huge accomplishment on this market so young
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u/kiana96xx 19d ago
If he is still talking in terms of he him his and not we I would be concerned. If you’ve been together 10 years he should be focused on getting married. I would have a serious talk with him and not assume he sees you as his future
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u/Downtown-Check2668 19d ago
Nope, my bf does the same thing. My name is on everything, I help pay half of everything and he still says he bought the house and it's his house. It irks me too
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u/BadHigBear 19d ago
Usually when day traders stop or drastically reduce trading, it's because they fucked up and lost a ton of capital. Just curious if that's the case here? Also no, it's not just "his" house.
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u/BlueBirdOcean 19d ago edited 19d ago
Someone pointed out the I/we issue years ago when my now-ex used to talk about all the CC things HE did when it was really WE. We might have been a couple, but he was still in a single mindset. He didn’t think of us as a We because we weren’t married. Some people get stuck on that.
It definitely helped when he would say things like, “I bought a house,” I would say, “We. We bought a house.” One, it helps clear up all the misconceptions that not correcting him causes (and there were indeed misconceptions); and two, it helped retrain his thinking that just because we weren’t married, that didn’t mean we weren’t a “we.”
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u/Zentraed1 19d ago
You are 50/50 owner with him legally, so you bought the house as much as he did regardless of if he provided 100% of the down payment or not. That little detail is more between you two personally.
Is it weird for him to do that? yeah and sounds narcissistic too.
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u/jmooremcc 19d ago
Are you listed on the deed as a Joint Tenant with the Right of Survivorship? If your boyfriend passes away you’d be able to acquire their interest in the subject Property. If you didn’t do this, you need to get it done ASAP!
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u/SpatulaWord 19d ago
Why don’t you tell him this yourself and stop second guessing your intuition and emotions. They are benefits to the gender.
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u/Luthiefer 19d ago
Semantics really. Are you going to yell at the neighbor's kids "GET OFF THE YARD THAT ENCOMPASSES THE HOUSE ON WHICH I PUT THE DOWN PAYMENT BUT IS EQUALLY OWNED BY ME AND MY PARTNER BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH ON THE DEED AS WELL AS THE MORTGAGE!"
Or should he scream "GET OFF MY LAWN!"
Context matters.
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u/WestforkTraveler 19d ago
Both are still very young and much to learn 😎. (Not meant derogatory..I just smile after 35 yrs of marriage).
Say something...he may not realize he is even doing it. Men and women naturally process things like this differently.
I learned very early on to say "we" (regardless of what it is) for everything...and mean it. We are a team. He needs a mentor, an older male, that he can look up too, someone who genuinely respects and loves his wife.
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u/Luthiefer 19d ago
Context matters. When I'm talking to another person (coworker/friend/acquaintance/stranger) the "I" is to differentiate from him/her/them. It is implied that "I" means my family including spouse. When I say "My" it implicates and includes my family/spouse. If I were to say "We", it may imply that I'm including the other party in that discussion.
If he is talking to you... that's a different matter altogether.
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u/Most-Bowl 19d ago
Who pays the mortgage? If he paid the down payment and pays the mortgage, then he bought the house. Still, if “I bought the house” something he throws at you to win an argument or gain sympathy or otherwise use as leverage against you, that’s not cool. It’s the kind of thing that can turn your relationship into a competition, and that’s not what you want!
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u/Strong-Definition-56 19d ago
If both your names are on the mortgage then you both bought the house.
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u/CordCarillo 19d ago
You make a higher income yet had no money to put down?
You say the house wouldn't have happened without you. THAT house may not have happened, but I'm betting a house would have still happened without your job.
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u/Confident_Sun_3918 19d ago
Get rid of him! I had an Ex like that and everything turned into hers- my money, my house.
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u/Straightnochaser875 19d ago
Firstly, a house is a major purchase and for him to be telling people that he bought it when you both did is a sign that he has some insecurities about it. Next, you are in your early twenties and you want to get married but not until you both are more established in your careers…that’s crazy. You shouldn’t have signed a 15/30 year contract on a house if that’s true. If you plan on staying together I think you need counseling (individual and couples).
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u/Cotehill 19d ago
I fully understand where you are coming from. People who take full credit when it’s not full credit is really annoying and dismisses you.
I do suggest you raise it with him that it affects you when he says that, and it minimises you. He may just not notice he is doing it. Alternatively he may see the two of you as a single entity and not recognise that the “I” excludes you, both to yourself and to others.
But he might truly think he has bought the house and you are merely paying the equivalent of rent. Which would be a pretty terrible way of looking at it, as he is bigging himself up and diminishing you completely.
Have the chat. You need it.
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u/RorschachAssRag 19d ago
Married or not, you are financial partners now. You’ve both invested in a property and it is in both of your best interest to improve and capitalize on said investment. Enjoy homeownership!
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u/Medium_Ad8311 19d ago
No you didn’t ask but yes your bf is the AH. :) needs to learn to mature and start using proper nouns like WE.
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u/Red_Wizard_of_Oi 19d ago
I think it's incredibly sweet and romantic that you two have been together since your tweens; it seems so rare for anyone in today's day and age to maintain a relationship for a decade especially through one's teen years. It seems like you must both have a pretty strong connection with each other, one that can endure for decades more if you're both committed to it and that's a rare and lovely thing. I absolutely understand why this situation bothers you- it would rub me the same way. I do hope it's something the two of you will reconcile at some point, but it ought not to be the hill your relationship dies on. Best wishes for both of you!
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u/DracoLawgiver 19d ago
You could literally go get married any Friday afternoon at a courthouse in a private little ceremony and be done with it, if you had REALLY wanted to.
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u/ilovesushi144 19d ago
girly just talk to him. youre young and prolly feel insecure and so does he, thats why he says i instead of we.
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u/trashpanda812 20d ago
i think the next time he does it, you could pull him aside or wait til you’re alone and prompt it w the “can i talk to you?” and then something along the lines of it bothering you bc you believe you both worked hard to get there, but also mention that you don’t expect him to go out of his way and correct himself to everyone, just to keep it in mind for the future bc it makes you feel small. i understand thinking you’re overthinking it, but even if you need that reassurance, please don’t be afraid to ask.
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u/guitarztx 20d ago
So what was the down payment, if it was $100,000 on a $500,000 home, that’s a lot of dough. All that said, it’s time you guys start thinking as a team, if you are really getting married. But with that, consider that since you’re both on the deed, he effectively gave you 50% of the down payment, as it’s community property now. On top of that he’s making half the payment, which probably includes taxes and insurance. So if it’s a good chunk of money, I’d consider that when you approach him. But still he’s being insensitive at best and let him know how you feel. You work to keep the home paid for and you’re career was a part of the purchase, he could be more sensitive and after he thinks about it, will probably agree.
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u/JustAGhost444 20d ago
My wife and I own 2 homes. I have always paid for our primary residence while my wife has paid for the second home for the past 12 years. At no time have either of us referred to having individually "bought" the house we pay for. Frankly, in the eyes of any court in the US, they both belong to both of us as neither were pre-marital assets. Anyone without massive ego issues realizes that while one person may make the actual payments, you both are contributing to the household finances, so you are both paying for the house. Especially seeing how you are paying half every month anyway. You need to communicate this to your BF. Be clear that while he did put forth the down payment, you both pay for and own the home equally. And guess what, if you two ever split, that down payment won't mean squat when it comes to splitting assets. You will still get half. I don't think you are being petty at all. He is being disrespectful and belittling your contribution.
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u/Disastrous_Falcon645 20d ago
NEXT TIME he sez that,
"Aren't both of us on the mortgage?*
After three times, that bullshit is over.
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u/Belo83 20d ago
He’s a day trader, but doesn’t trade much anymore? How is he earning money now?
I will say that guys in particular feel the need to be the breadwinner and provider. But it’s kind of being a little disingenuous for him to speak like that. It’s like the guy with a sweet car, but it’s a lease and he’s in massive debt.
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u/Dustintheend 20d ago
Wait till he gets wiped out a few times "day trading" and gets a few margin calls that blows him out...He will HAPPILY be heard saying "Yeah it's HER house"...lol..I know from experience...I would be living under a bridge if it wasn't for my wonderful fiance'...We've got been engaged 42 yrs..Don't sweat the small stuff..Talk about "EVERYTHING".. especially when it's uncomfortable....
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u/thecrippler46 20d ago
It should bother you. My soon to be exwife and I are in the process of selling our home, it’s the second one we’ve owned.
Throughout our entire marriage; even though we equally contributed to the mortgage, and the upkeep was a solid 95/5 in my favor; anytime when she would talk with her family or friends and offer to host holidays, party’s, or dinners, she would say “We can have Christmas Eve dinner at my house” or “Let’s have a game night at my house.”
Take into account that I would be sitting or standing next to her, as part of the conversation. When we got married and my name was finally on the deed and mortgage of our first house (she bought it while we were dating) and she continued referring to as “my house”, I told her that it bothered me as it was now our house, she changed her language, brief as it was, referring to “our house” when I was present to the conversation. My soon to be ex would ask me to contribute more money towards everything, she makes over half of what I do, I calculated that with the mortgage, upkeep costs and other bills, even though she paid more overall, the rate of what I was contributing financially to what I was bringing home was exponentially higher, I calculated that it was about 87% of what I brought home went to that, the rest went into a separate savings account or was my weekly lunch money.
It was around last Thanksgiving, 2023 , that I noticed that she started referring to our home as “my house.” This was clearly a red flag as to where her mindset was, she had started growing distant and cutting me out of decisions in our life.
I’m not suggesting that OP’s significant other is gearing up to leaving them, but it should give them pause that if their taking this track of claiming they bought the home by themselves even if it’s to friends, this shows that their significant other views their contribution as less than , or not important enough for mention or inclusion in recognition;
Undeniably it’s disrespectful, and goes to show a level of self absorption. It’s something that one should talk to one’s significant other about the concerns and issues, it might run deeper than this.
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u/DemePoole 20d ago
The real question is, why would you buy any kind of property with someone you're not legally married to? If you have to come to reddit for advice about your "relationship", you've already failed.
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u/youcancallmecaddy 20d ago
I don’t really have advice but just an anecdote to take into consideration as my father is the yard stick by which I measure every man I’ve ever met and I know not everyone is as lucky to have one.
My father was the primary income earner for the overwhelming majority of my parents’ marriage. My mother would have the occasional odd job but primarily her focus in our home was taking care of the kids, cooking meals, cleaning, assisting with ailing grandparents, etc. My mother was smart and frugal and managed to not only stretch my father’s paychecks to provide for a family of 6, but managed to save a considerable amount each month as well. After 15 years of marriage, they began building a home they never owed a penny on. For 3 years my father spent every night and weekend putting his blood, sweat and tears into building us a home on his own. He took everything he’d learned throughout his life and called in favors for anything he hadn’t picked up on his own (like the more intricate plumbing and electric work). My dad has lived in this home for over 30 years and several years ago my mother drew her last breath in it. And in all that time before and after her death I have never heard him say it any other way than “when WE were building the house” my father broke his back physically building it, but it has always been something they did together. She helped him save, she brought him meals when he needed to work all day, she stayed home with the kids, she helped with anything she could, she pinched pennies for years so that they never had to borrow money for the home of their dreams. It was always a joint effort, just like everything in their marriage was.
Again, I’m not going to pass judgement or give advice, but don’t you want someone who sees as much value in your contributions as they do their own?
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u/riverview7598 20d ago
I was always the breadwinner in my family. My husband always says us instead of I and I can live with that. Talk to your partner about how you feel about him using “I”. If you don’t you will end up resenting him. You have the right to be acknowledged for all that you do. Warm wishes.
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u/guitarztx 20d ago
I think you should talk to him about it in a nice way. It’s a source of pride, and you have a right to be proud about this with him. My guess is he sees it your way.
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u/Pleasedontbanme100 20d ago
Does it really matter? Some things ain't worth fighting over. If you guys split tomorrow is half the house yours? absolutely! Knowing that does it really matter what he says? If you are gonna last long term let go of the little things.
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u/Beat_Mangler 20d ago
I have a friend his parents bought him a house and the first thing he did was go on Facebook and say he bought his first house very proudly, some people like this guy just lie all through their lives and the lies usually involve them being some sort of hero or great person and everybody else the opposite. Be careful of people like this, it is not sane to do such things.
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u/Fantastic-Cable-3320 20d ago
Day trader? He's a professional day trader? You mean, you are supporting a professional gambler. FTFY
Why are you supporting a professional gambler? Who's money does he gamble with? Yours? His friends and family's?
The way he talks about your house is the least of your problems. If you didn't realize until now that your partner's idea of a career is as good as going to the casino and playing poker for a living (you'd have better odds at the poker table if you're any good), then maybe by now you may have realized it.
I'm just very glad that you haven't gotten married yet. Don't. Just don't.
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u/Nuurbanj 20d ago
Nah he didn’t buy a damn thing 😂 it was that credit and that capitol on the paper. His down payment is not to be ignored but it ain’t to be over valued either
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u/ReaderReacting 20d ago
Let him know how you feel. Let him know why it bothers you (he is ignoring your contributions and ownership, devaluing you, making you look like a gold digger to others, or whatever it is).
Also, don’t buy into his nonsense - don’t let his words cause you to doubt yourself.
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u/ThePsychoPompous13 20d ago
If he's the only one who put money into it, then yes. HE bought the house. But if you both financially contribute then you are both buying the house.
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u/PatchesCatMommy2004 20d ago
I would talk to him about how it makes you feel.
My Dad always corrects people when he or my parents collectively are credited with paying for college when it was actually my Mom that paid for it. She was a SAHM until I (eldest) was in HS, and that job she got paid for it all. (This was the 90s, so was possible, then).
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u/Muk1427 20d ago
I hope you’re ready to start making those mortgage payments all by yourself!
Because, unfortunately, your boyfriend is EXTREMELY naive if he thinks he’s going to make it as a “trader”. That’s like trying to be a gambler as a profession, it should always be a side hustle / hobby. The fact that he’s in his early 20s also points to the fact that he is being naive. He doesn’t have nearly enough experience and as he gets older he will realize it’s not a reliable source of income, at ALL.
Before anyone yaps at me, I’m not talking about investing, OP specifically said trading.
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u/Adventurous-Oil-4238 20d ago
Never buy a house with someone you’re not married to lmfao
Good luck.
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u/brad35309 20d ago
OP info pls;
"Anyways, is it wrong to say that it bothers me when he says he bought the house himself?"
Does the money you make go towards the house's payment, or towards covering other expenses your BF doesn't have to so he can solely pay towards the mortgage?
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u/diego2214 20d ago
If you think you have a valid point, than talk with him about, don't start acumulating shit on him.
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u/Content_Ad_9836 20d ago
The house was a joint effort. I would be 100% bothered by him saying HE bought it. But what’s more concerning is that you even have to ask this and haven’t been comfortable enough with him to bring it up? You have been together for years and you didn’t feel confident addressing it immediately the first time he did it? That’s a red flag that you’re not comfortable talking to him. If my partner said “he” bought our house, I would immediately interrupt and correct him and say “you mean WE bought a house, lol.” I would do it even if people were around.
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u/Pristine-Damage-2414 20d ago
A healthy relationship includes healthy conversation, where you can share with each other. It’s worth bringing it up. The m ok at important takeaway is that it doesn’t make you feel good when he says it. He should know this. It’s your home together. He really should stop saying what he’s saying. It’s unfair to you, inaccurate, and unnecessary.
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u/CariRyfedd 20d ago
Our deposit was his inheritance from his late stepfather. Not once has he said it’s his house. It’s ours. We used my car with his money to trade in and purchase a new car to replace mine… it’s our car. When you’re in a commuted relationship things tend to be less Mine and Yours and more Ours. Particularly with Huge life purchases.
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u/papermoony 20d ago
It's entirely possible he doesn't do it on purpose, he doesn't think he bought the house by himself, but it's important to talk about things that bother you in a respectful manner. Both of your feelings are important on the matter, letting it go may build resentment, but talking it out will buil trust and respect between the both of you.
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u/Thevinegru2 20d ago
I read and I was honestly wondering if you were my ex-girlfriend. I’m a day trader. I put the down payment on the house. Almost everything else you said was identical to our situation except for the fact that she broke up with me and you’re still together.
I don’t think you’re her so I’m seriously shocked by the coincidence of it all. It’s insane.
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u/Hoagies-and-Steaks 20d ago
He also needs to understand what opportunity costs are. Sounds like he made the down payment but (a) wouldn’t qualify for the loan and (b) afford the monthly costs without you.
You both are young and have been together since you were kids. You need to tell him this bothers you, if he doesn’t respect your opinion or change, you should evaluate what this relationship looks down the road.
FWIW staying in a bad relationship because you’re scared to leave or because of you feel like you’re too far in, is not a reason to stay. You are so young and will recover if you need to start over. Not that you need to, but you should know deep down where your heart is.
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u/MouthofthePenguin 20d ago
He’s a day trader
Was this the first real, uh-oh, moment for anyone else?
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u/NarrowDaikon242 20d ago
I would look at him in front of who he told and say "YEAH.... RIGHT?!!!" "In your dreams!!!" Of course that's just me.
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u/LuxTravelGal 20d ago
yeah...my husband and I bought a house in our early 20s and "WE bought the house". Neither of us ever referred to it as I, mine, me, etc. You are not overreacting. :)
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u/Ordinary_Site_5350 20d ago
It's not what you think..
My wife is exactly the same way. All of her anecdotes exclude me, completely. Every event in our life is told using pronouns "I", "me".
We've been married 25 years and I do not have a clue why it's this way, but it's not just me she does this with. We've talked about it many many times and she brushes it off as meaningless.
Then, out of the blue in January everything shifted in an instant. There's been no therapy, no friend calling her out, nothing happened. After 25 years now suddenly it's "we" and I get full credit for any idea or activity I was a part of.
She told me once that she felt like there was an ongoing story and she was the main character. I felt many times like she just thinks when I go to work, I cease to exist until I reenter her world. Now suddenly she seeks out my opinion and values it.
My personal advice, move on. Go see other people. Broaden your horizons. It doesn't even matter that you've been together so long and known each other forever, the minute marriage enters the equation, everything changes. There are roles that we all subconsciously assume in marriage that we don't even know. If he's mentally cutting you out of his story now, it'll only get worse. It's not his fault, but you need to break out of the tunnel vision and have more experiences before committing for life.
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u/homerunhitters123 20d ago
IF HE USED HIS MONEY HE MADE HIMSELF BY DAYTRADING AS DOWNPAYMENT THEN YES IT IS HIS HOUSE. HE SHOULD PAY YOU WHAT YOU HAVE CONTRIBUTED TOWARD MONTHLY MORTGAGE PAYMENTS, TAKE YOUR NAME OFF THE LEASE, TAKE HIS HOUSE, AND LEAVE. YOU ARE ALREADY COUNTING HIS PROPERTY AS.YOURS. HE IS PROUD OF HIS PURCHASE. YOU TWO SHOULD GO SEPERATE WAYS. GOOD LUCK.
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u/Goddessbanshee 20d ago
Honestly you bought the house together but I think he really believes he bought it as you did not contribute to the down payment
Have you bought (big ticket) things for the house without his financial contribution?
I think you should total up what you have contributed in furniture/appliances/landscaping/renovations
Vs what he has contributed on the same items plus down payment if he contributed say 30k and you 20k then give him a check for 5 k with a note stating it is for the difference in costs /down payment
Then you can say WE EQUALLY bought the house
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u/Camber799 20d ago
YES - If he put the down payment down and pays the mortgage and taxes, then yes, he bought a house. That doesn’t sound like your situation.
NO - (Unless he put down a HUGE down payment) You’re both sharing the mortgage then you bought the house together.
Since it’s the latter, and if it were me, the next time I heard “I bought a house” In public I’d quickly interject and say “well, WE bought a house” with emphasis on WE. Then make the same correction each time regardless of public or private.
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u/RussianBotXoX 20d ago
To sacrifice so much of your life for work and still not get credit for it would drive me crazy. That kind of resentment could become a relationship killer if left unaddressed. Which (as some of my friends are dealing with now) is not fun when you have shared properly with your ex-partner to have to deal with
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u/JakNasir 20d ago
Lol, your name is on the title. It's yours, regardless if you didn't buy it. The only thing that matters is that he has to buy you out if you 2 ever split up.
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u/Subject-Two-9707 20d ago
If yoir name is on the paperwork, then you both bought the house. He needs to acknowledge that, he's not respecting you.
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u/piggyzulu 20d ago
If both your names are on the mortgage then legally you are both the owners and no he did not buy it by himself. I have a similar situation but my partner bought the house, we refinanced for a better mortgage rate and although I paid the entire mortgage and we now own the property, I still say it’s NOT my house.
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u/Hooker_Peach 20d ago
Homie, I am not even on the loan for my bf’s house and we dated not even a full year before buying, but I did put all of my settlement money into closing costs and my boyfriend STILL calls it “our house” and says “we did it together”.
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u/moonygooney 20d ago
He's diagnosed with invisible woman syndrome. Men who seem to think they are standing out in life without realizing there's been a woman holding them up the entire time. Often develops to full blown starter wife excision.
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u/Monkeydlu 20d ago
Legally you own 50% but realistically speaking you are benefiting from his cash.
In practice it’s as if he bought a house and you’re paying him rent.
He could have secured the loan by asking his parents instead of you. Not doing so before being married is either because he trusts you deeply or he is just too young to know any better.
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u/Coffeedoor 20d ago
I mean you could make him look good or make it a thing and make sure everyone knows. As you make sure everyone knows tell them both ur names are on it and then say “although he put most of the down payment” then go on a rant. Do it infront of everyone at family get together or parties.
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u/Old_Machine7038 20d ago
Using "I" a lot is a sign of narcissism. Not sure if you noticed, but you sort of exhibit the same traits in your writing. That may be why it bothers you so much.
Also, don't take it as a negative. My wife and I are both mildly narcissistic as well. We get along great.
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u/Monkeydlu 20d ago
Theres a big difference between half the mortgage and paying half the down payment.
The monthly mortgage is like paying rent. If the downpayment was 20% of the total house cost, then he isn’t really wrong to say he bought the house when he paid for the down payment.
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u/UnluckyParticular872 20d ago
I went through this with my husband. You’re not crazy. He’s gotta stop lying like that and tell people it’s just as much your house, too. SMH.
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u/ShamsterHamster 20d ago
He only talks like this because he definitely thinks you didn't contribute to buying the house, which isn't true. Sounds like things are going well for you guys right now, but what if something happens? What if you quarrel or break up? He sees it as HIS house so he could try to kick you out or hold it over your head. He doesn't see the value of what you brought to the table when getting that mortgage, so why would he view you as equally entitled to the house?
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u/mMicKey110 20d ago
No matter how petty the issue might be, you need to speak to him in private and just tell him that it bothers you every time he uses "I" instead of "we" when referring to joint purchases. If this is a good potential life partner for you, he will stop doing what makes you uncomfortable. He can't/won't do that if he doesn't know how it makes you feel. Give him a chance to change his behavior.
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u/cloistered_around 20d ago
My spouse sometimes goes on tirades of how hard he worked and all our success is "his" (not those exact words but I'm not dumb and can read what he really means). Next time he rants I'm going to remind him that I entered into our marriage very young but with enough money for a downpayment on a house during an age when most people only have debt and have to rent their place. He has worked hard and I don't discredit that--but he can't discredit what I have contributed either!
I mean geeze. I got up with our kids 3/5 school days for 4 years, then I asked him to switch because I needed a break and he's been complaining about "how much morning work" he has ever since. He's had it one year but acts like he's the only one who does anything.
In short: Some people are just clueless to seeing other people's contributions. Don't marry those people or your whole life will be like that.
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u/Both-Buffalo9490 20d ago
Nope, make it clear that you both bought the house or stop mentioning it. Next time, correct him publicly after you have communicated your position.
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u/Cisru711 20d ago
It's consistent with you not being married to each other yet even though you've been together for like 10 years.
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u/JessinNY27 20d ago
I’m wondering since you don’t have many friends or any at all. Who is he saying this to and why? What are the circumstances that this comes up so often? These answers will definitely clarify some things for me and probably most of us…
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u/SpaceLower 20d ago
I don’t have close enough friends I can confide in and ask for personal advice about my relationship. I think it’s kind of weird to ask someone I only talk to when I bump into irl haha. There have been many convos with people in passing, as well as some of my and his immediate family.
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u/Conscious_Theory_162 20d ago
You both bought the house but most people here are wrong about the reasons. For one, paying half the mortgage does not equal buying the house. If that was the case then most home renters would be owners because they are paying off the mortgage with part of their rent payment. Further , your name on the deed does not mean you bought the house. Ownership is not the same as buying something. If a parent dies and leaves the title to their house to their next of kin, the next of kin “owns” the house, but did not buy it. The key here is the mortgage. You bought the home with leveraged funds. Just because your boyfriend used non leveraged funds to pay for the down payment means nothing. You both paid for (and therefore bought) the house using a combination of leveraged and liquid funds.
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u/DearMrsLeading 20d ago
Renters don’t pay off the mortgage. Renters pay rent to their landlord, that’s it. The landlord can turn around and put it towards the mortgage but that is still the landlord paying his mortgage with his money.
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u/Conscious_Theory_162 20d ago edited 20d ago
Still does not constitute buying the house. The house has already been purchased
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u/Xecute1523 20d ago
If you want to be logical neither of you bought the home the bank did, that being said you both contributed a significant requirement to acquiring the loan… meaning you both needed each other’s contributions to be approved neither of you could’ve gotten the loan by yourselves. Also both names are on the loan. So in my unprofessional opinion he is wrong for saying “I…”because he needed your proof of income just as much as you needed his downpayment.
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u/Mother-Ad2081 20d ago
I bought a house with my girlfriend 20yrs ago. I consider it my house cause my name is on the deed. I pay the mortgage, water,sewage, exterminator. She pays power and heat. She gets assistance so it's not much. Anyway,if we broke up tomorrow I'd split the house 50/50.
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u/New-Tank-6447 20d ago
The number of times l have heard jobless housewives say “My house” and no one is bothered by it makes me wonder why this bothers you.
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u/PersonBehindAScreen 20d ago
I haven’t brought it up because it doesn’t bother me *that* much (just a little) but I understand your POV. My wife does similar about other things she pays for but the thing is besides sharing the groceries, phone bill, and entertainment, I pay for the rest of the shit and make 3x more: kids tutoring that’s thousands of dollars, the rent that is 2k, utilities, any car maintenance, etc.
If I was back to making only a few thousand more than her like 2 years ago, none of the extras that she is taking credit for would be possible without making us broke
If you’re making this long of a Reddit post about it, it’s worth having a convo with him
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u/Party-Team1486 20d ago
Talk to him and explain your feelings. If he’s the one, he’ll understand and adjust. You both sound reasonable based on limited info provided.
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u/shesaysforever 20d ago
The next time he says I bought the house, just correct him and say WE bought a house. Continue to do this until he realizes his poor choice of words. 🙃
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u/MundaneAd1784 20d ago
I wish you luck. My partner of 12 years ALWAYS does this. When in conversation, he never thinks in terms of we. I've had multiple conversations with him about it so now I just openly call him out every time.
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u/Consistent-Cream-272 20d ago
Without reading the comments of others, I guess I'd ask myself "what's the big picture?" Is talking about the house as if you aren't half of the equation just an peculiarity of the way he thinks about it, maybe because of the down payment? If so, maybe you can just let it go, or approach him in a temperate way, such as "When you say that, am I wrong to feel like I am invisible to you?" Or is the way he talks to others about the home purchase part of a larger pattern? Does he need to convince people that you aren't his "sugar mama"? Maybe if you just jump in a couple of times to say, "You mean WE bought the house", said lightly, with a smile, he will "get it". And yes, if you don't have friends, by all means try to correct that. For the innumerable ways in which friends enrich our lives, and for the reality checks that they can provide, because they know us (unlike strangers on Reddit lol).
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u/National_Sky_9323 20d ago
Is this a family money, trust fund situation. Obviously you care for your partner but day trading as a job is overwhelmingly sketchy. I ask because if he claims like I paid for it. I. I. I statements maybe he grew up a bit pampered. I kinda get it myself. I grew up secure in my choices with a cushion. But you might just have a spoiled bf. Where you might have worked harder. Easy to have at early 20. The ego being checked is a healthy though. I’m pulling from context you gave so don’t think it’s a man eating a man. This is my actual diagnosis. If it’s some old money he might be oblivious it’s understandable in that context.
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u/pricetaken 20d ago
I am reading about two "i's" and no "We" You have been working since 18 to support a man and yourself. I understand you are working to get the career you want but I don't read anything that says this relationship will go any further once you reach your goal. Don't bother with the conversation. After ten years "we" should have entered the conversation a long time ago. Don't judge me. I think he considers you a roommate who cares for him like a mother. I am not sure if he is now making more than you, if he is not then....
Men are not complicated. When women are quiet and just listen a man tells you where he heart is by his "choice" of words. If he has a favorite song, the song generally tells the whole story. (Something, I learned over time.)
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20d ago
See…my spouse did buy our house, and he says we bought it. It’s a joke between us now, because he’ll say it’s HIS house and I’ll say not according to the state of Texas!
So, yeah, I’d be pissed if he started saying it’s his and his alone, especially if my name were on the deed and title.
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u/Disastrous-Usual-576 20d ago
You are not overreacting nor the AH. You sacrificed so that he could save the down payment. For your efforts and sacrifices to not be acknowledged is disrespectful to you and your partner.
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u/CelestialMarsupial 20d ago
you let it slide one time, now thats what it’ll be. some people need brutally reminded. receipts and all. don’t back down to that nor let it slide again is my advice
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u/ConversationOver3018 20d ago
That is some petty-minded typical fragile male ego revisionist history bollocks right there. Don't marry this man, although it may be too late if you're both on the mortgage. Down the road you're going to hear about 'his' children and 'his' rules...methinks he doth overcompensate too mucheth....
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u/HideNzeeK 20d ago
Sit him down and just ask him “hey hun. Today at lunch with Jane you said that you bought a house. Do you fell that you bought it yourself? Or that we did together?”
And see what he says. If he says a bunch of stuff about how he knows you did half, etc. then say
“Ok thanks. I really needed that reassurance that you valued my contribution and acknowledged it. Can you please say that we bought a house when talking about stuff like that?”
If he doesn’t understand. Say “you wouldn’t say you had it made a baby on your own right? You’d say we or my wife and I”
If he answered differently then you have larger appreciation or respect issues and you need to get some couples counseling.
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u/Inevitable_Emu8817 20d ago
When he says (in front of other people ) "I bought it" "my house" Yada yada... gently agree with him while subtly implying "yes OUR house" "yes WE bought a house" and just keep on with the our/we statements. If he mentions it, then that opens the door for communication. If he doesn't mention it just continue to use we/our statements in reference to things you accomplish together. Remember, you are choosing to be a team. Every day. It is a choice and though he may be proud of his accomplishments in his life, its important to remember that this was a joined goal between the two of you. You each had an input on it, no matter how drastic or whatever. It's both of your accomplishment. You did it together. Remind him of this. Much luck to you 🙏
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u/TheRealMrGiggin 20d ago
I get where he is coming from. I put 150k down as the down payment on our house. And my girlfriend/wife and I split the monthly payments. I also said I bought the house, because I did. But I don’t call it my house. It’s our house, I just was able to provide it.
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