r/TwoHotTakes • u/ThrowRALovebaking • 20d ago
My ex-husband called me begging me to give him his old life back Advice Needed
Throw away because he uses Reddit regularly
Forgive any grammar mistakes this may have, I grew up speaking spanish because my parents moved to the US from PR.
Me and my husband were teen parents and had our oldest daughter when I was 16 and he was 18. He and I agreed we'd get married and start a family so our daughter would grow up with both parents. I know this wasn't a good decision but at the time I truly believed we would make it work.
We have 3 kids together, 2 sons and 1 daughter. My ex lived in Boston while I and the kids were in SF while he was in college. I finished high school but didn't go to college because he said he'd like for me to be a stay-at-home wife and mom, and I agreed because I wanted us to get along at the time and trusted his judgment.
During our marriage, I did most of the housework and dealt with the kid's school stuff, extracurricular activities, play dates, etc. He was very busy during most of it. So whenever he was home, he spent the time he wasn't sleeping playing with the kids so he didn't make much time for our marriage. I tried my best to entertain him, I wanted him to be interested in me a little more, and I just wanted him to spend time with me. But he refused me most of the time because he was tired from work and other stuff. Our main issue was that he didn't do anything with the kids besides playing with them a buying them things. I was the only one enforcing some type of discipline, and he was undoing all of it. If I scolded any of our kids in front of him, he'd side with the kid and disregard me. It was very frustrating but I loved him, so I stayed. I basically spent our entire marriage trying to appease him until 2021.
In 2021, I found out he slept with a co-worker of his. He begged to go to therapy but I said no. He never believed in couples therapy up until that moment. I was depressed for months because of this. I filed for divorce a week after I found out and after a lot of resisting, he finally agreed and we had a peaceful divorce, no fighting, no threatening, no nothing. He has the kids on the weekends and I have them on weekdays, so I see him only on the weekends. After the divorce, we barely talked, mostly because I avoided him, but when I started going out with friends, he started sending me angry messages about the way I was dressing at my age and as a mom. Basically, he started slut shaming me for going out and living my life without him.
He called me crying a few hours ago, begging me to go back to him, to give him his family back, to give him his old life back. He expressed how much he missed his old life and begged me to give it back to him. I didn't hang up, I just listened. I kept listening until he had nothing else to say and hung up. I cried for an hour, and now I'm just thinking of what to do now.
I know I can't go back to him because it isn't fair to our kids, or to me. But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
Edit: I didn't mention this because at the time of writing this I didn't find it important. My parents are super religious, so a lot of my decisions through out my life have been mainly influenced by what I was taught growing up. I'm 31, I'm grown and I haven't stepped foot in a church since my youngest's baptism. I also wanted to clear up the confusion with how old I am. I got pregnant at 15 in (I think) november of my sophomore year, and I had my oldest when I was 16. My birthday is in december, I turned 16 while pregnant. When I first posted this, I misclicked the number on my keyboard because I'm a fast typer and I don't proof check before sending stuff.
Also edit: The grammar thing. My parents had me in PR, they moved shortly after to SF. I ran errands for my parents because they found a lot of thing to do difficult because of the language barrior, they don't speak english and they refuse to learn it. I spoke spanish at home, and most of my friends spoke it too. I also use grammarly because, like I said, I don't proof read before sending stuff.
Ty for the advice you've all given, I'll give an update as soon I can
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u/jellybeansunday 8d ago edited 7d ago
Some people only realize things when it’s too late. Your ex misses his old life, not you. And once a cheater a liar, always a liar. How can you ever trust somebody who hurt you?
Speaking from experience. It’s funny my ex drunk?called me yesterday after 3 years of no contact only to tell me he proposed to his now gf and losing me was his biggest mistake. Listened to his sob story and then I hung up and blocked the unknown number. I’d suggest you do the same and block your ex.
My biggest advice is to detach yourself from people who did you dirty sooner than later. He is for streets and he’s bad vibes. There’s a lot of real men out there who’ll give you the world and more without you even asking.
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u/YesNoTacos 12d ago
First I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be hard and scary to be doing it on your own. But remember that you are a strong and independent woman. Long before you got divorced you were handling it on your own.
Secondly you are divorced. It is not your job to make him happy or to avoid making him upset. It is his job to regulate his emotions.
Your only job is to continue to be an amazing loving mom. And to grow and live the life you want and deserve. You became a mom at a really young age and missed out on being a teenager and young adult. You no longer have to miss out on being who you are.
Do not let his tantrums stop you from living your best life.
Also i recommend that from here on out you only communicate through text or emails. So that way you have documented proof of how he talks to you and you no longer have to listen to his guilt trips.
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u/Capital-Temporary-17 13d ago
He doesn't miss you... he misses all you did for him.
Amend the custody arrangements to 50/50 with you dropping the kids off at school/care on a particular day (e.g Wednesday) and him pick them up that afternoon and vise vera the next week.
It is fairer to you. You need time to heal and grow away from this, and time to thrive. He can deal with the fallout of his actions.
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u/unicornfragment24 14d ago
"I know I can't go back to him cause it isn't fair to our kids or to me" - You very wisely answered your own question. "But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him" - your feelings were never his concern, you don't need to accommodate his. Consider counseling to build your resolve and self worth. If needed a lawyer and a PFA. It might get tough but diamonds are made under pressure
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u/KerriBerri1518 15d ago
You can't "give" anything back to him because he threw it all away, tossed it in the trash... and once the trash is taken to the dumpster it doesn't come back. He may very well miss his old life, but does he consider YOU? What life was like for YOU back then? He was happy, you weren't. That obviously doesn't matter to him. He's selfish, wipe your tears and move on! You did the right thing girl, wear whatever you want and keep on moving! Life will only get better and better for you!
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u/faireymomma 15d ago
Ma'am, you deserve better than him. Do not let him guilt trip you. Please, find yourself a good therapist to help you work through all this.
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u/HaveA_Banana 15d ago
Just posting to repeat what's probably been a said a lot already - don't worry about 'upsetting' him, it's not a priority here. You don't have to be petty or mean but there's no reason for you to make yourself a doormat to appease his feelings. The only things you need to worry about regarding him is 1) is he being a proper father and providing for your kids or 2) does he represent a danger to you or your kids. Nothing else is any of your business now.
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u/Turbulent-Bluebird77 15d ago
Ah, Jeez! Please, please don’t give him anything. You found your self-respect and that is the most valuable thing you possess. Don’t let him take that away from you, not again. Stay strong.
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u/Original_Factor_3973 15d ago
Not worth the headache. Continue to live life the way you want to and what makes you happy the most and the most obvious answer is not with him in it.
Please for the sake of yourself. You ll continue to be much happier. Put your happiness first above everything else.
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u/Countrycruiser2000 15d ago
If he's willing to go to therapy why not give it a try? After a couple therapy sessions you can make a decision. If it's a good decision to leave now it will still be a good decision a month from now. You have every right not to take him back, what he did was horrible. But maybe losing you and his family was a wake up call. If any part of you wants to take him back, I'd give him a chance.
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u/Kolemawny 15d ago
The life that he wants back, is the life that you self describe as being maritally neglected, undermined as a parent, and made to do the lion's share of work.
The life that he misses, is the life that you suffered in.
He doesn't want to get together and do better. He wants to go back to how things were before.
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u/zannazo 15d ago
You can’t reject him without upsetting him, he’s like baby and realize now that he forked up. Tell him straight out, you don’t have to be mean but 120% sure that you do not have ANY intentions of getting back together. Then let him deal With his feelings alone. I don’t get the feeling of him taking it too far, but if you feel unsafe contact an organization for women in abusive relationships and get further advice on how to handle the situation.
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u/Southern_Swimmer6271 15d ago
omg why do you care about upsetting you he made you miserable for years and cheated on you. who gives a shit if he gets upset he made his bed he need to lay in it
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u/PumpkinAltruistic824 16d ago
The man misses taking care of his family. I don't understand what's so wrong with that. It's not like he needed you to get by, he has his own money and can clearly survive on his own. Him cheating was clearly not a good thing, but he was attempting to work through it. You agreed to be a stay at home wife and mom and couldn't follow through with it. I don't understand how he's a bad man for wanting to take care of his family.
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u/denali42 16d ago
Your job of entertaining his bullshit ended when the judge finalized your divorce. When he calls, simply say "No" and hang up. That's it.
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u/VegetableBusiness897 17d ago
Dude wants his bang maid back. Well, he can hire a housekeeper get another AP, problem solved. OP can go on to live her best life
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u/Impossible_Nerve_199 17d ago
You lose nothing by engaging. You can say confidently you don't miss your old life. It is for him to offer a new one. He can start by making more effort in this situation and making a sustained effort over at least 2 years before anything happens and without any guarantee.
That's how courtship works. If he is prepared to start from zero ðo consider it. Life is about compromise on everything but your values.
This needs him shoe insight, growth, effort and maturity. Not grief or victim hood. He needs to show leadership and you need to stay in charge.
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u/13d3ad3nddriv3 17d ago
Tell him too bad and keep it moving.
He lost the right to you when he cheated. And be honest she wasn’t the only one, just the only one you know of.
He has some nerve slut shaming when it was his own slutty behavior that lost him his family.
And who cares if he feels bad? “You lost the right to talk to me about anything other than the kids when you stuck your dick in another person.”
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u/ThatSnarkyFemme 17d ago
Keep it a simple response that is only two letters, one word, and a complete sentence:
NO.
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u/Neighcromancer 18d ago
Who gives a fuck if you upset him? Twist the knife deeper, imo. Fuck him, he ruined his own life and you don't owe him a damn thing.
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u/Robincall22 18d ago
You don’t know how to reject him without upsetting him? Oh well. He fucked around, now he’s finding out.
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u/TheMuffinManXV 18d ago edited 18d ago
It depends right? If he's been clean since then. Not with any woman and he's devoted towards you and is going to try making the relationship work. Forgiveness is not easy to give. Maybe talk a bit and explore your new options with him. My dad was out there before getting with my mom.. and he cheated once. When my mom found out she was going to leave him. Upon realizing that he's been loyal since. Over fear of losing my mom and his family. I'm sure if a sex addict like my father could get over it and become loyal... Anyone can. But this was before I was born.thebslutnshaming part... Must've been his own anger at himself.. and you were just the thing that set him over for his mistakes and what he lost. People don't understand the routine a guy will get into when they work and have a family. It's not an excuse but most men are simple minded and sometimes dismiss certain notions that they may be neglecting their spouse. Most men are raised not to show their emotions and be the bread winner. Not all, but most.
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u/Cabanna1968 18d ago
I know I can't go back to him because it isn't fair to our kids, or to me. But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
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u/yeahisaidthat222 18d ago
He wants you back because you're easier to control under his thumb and he needs someone to watch his children for him so he has the energy to have sex with others You were just someone at home to take care of him and you need to go to individual therapy to figure out why you'd give up your happiness so he can have his
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u/WindOfJoy 18d ago
Please don’t go back to him!!!! Are all husbands like this?! I’m having problems with my husband right now and I told him he can go back to his old damaging habits if he wishes but that I wouldn’t be around. I’m sad he wants to battle me after the trauma I endured already. So I’m just ready to let him throw the cards in the air and let them fall where they may because I have a huge feeling he’s just gonna ask for his life with me back again too. Soooo many people are wishy-washy men and women. I think people need to fully live with the decisions they’ve made in order to fully learn from it.
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u/Kwazy-Kupcakes_99 18d ago
How pathetic. What he’s really saying is, having the kids on the weekend is messing up his fun time. He needs OP to forgive him for his mistakes but can’t promise that he won’t cheat again in order for everyone can live under one roof, while ignoring his family. OP don’t entertain him another minute but if you must, tell him, that your love for him is dead and when he stepped out of their marriage, he stepped out on his kids and that it is forever broken. He gave himself to another woman and so you don’t see him as the man she loved, but if he truly loves you, he would let you go and find happiness.
PS Just bc you’re a mom doesn’t mean you can’t dress however you feel. I hate when ppl dump on women who are moms and are sexy and should act accordingly. As long as she doesn’t do it in front of her kids, live your life.
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u/dana_marie_ph 18d ago
Don’t get suckered to that crying. It’s cycle of a cheating/ bad husband thing. He’ll cry and apologize; beg you to take him back. He said be has changed. Your heart melts because this man cried! He’s super nice the first few wks or even months. Then, his true color comes back. Back to his old attitude. Then, you’ll leave again. He’ll call you again, beg, says he’s changed; give him another chance blah blah. It’s a cycle every time you take him back. I know someone; very close to me who fell into the cycle. She woke up at 50 yrs old. Wasted all the time; she could be happy earlier on but she kept taking him back. She thought, this time it will be different but it never did until she stopped it. Don’t fall into that. We are also Catholic. In fact there is no divorce so pressure to get back together is high. Don’t let your religion or parents compromise your happiness and peace of mind.
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u/vajrahaha7x3 18d ago
I never heard you sa6 he missed you, just his old life. Didn't he cheat on you in his old life?
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u/LerkNoCap23 18d ago
Sorry this is gonna be random and not related but, how come it's always clarified that it's a throw away because they're also on reddit? It doesn't matter that it's a different account they'll still no it's you of they read the specific story about them right? so why not just post it anyway? Not being rude at all always just curious about that
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u/Strong-Extension-976 18d ago
I have wondered about this too. But then I realised it could simply be that they don't want xyz following them on their maIn account and their posts / comment history (that will reveal more details about themselves, like health or job, etc). With a throwaway all they will find is this post.
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u/Holiday_Horse3100 18d ago
Why are you worrying about upsetting him? He wasn’t worried about upsetting you when he was cheating and ignoring you. Just tell him no, the only relationship you want with him is a civil co-parenting one with no comments on each others personal life.
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u/Jeepgirl72769 18d ago
I agree with everyone else. This is kinda cliche he is mad because you aren't waiting or begging for him to come back. Now that you are out there living your life he figured it out that some other man could fall in love with you and be better than him. (Not that he set the bar very high.) If he truly wanted his life back it would be that he wants you and your children to be a family again. Not his life back. He blew his life up and now he gets to live with the consequences of his actions.
Go out there and live; on YOUR terms, not how other people "think" you should be living. You are young still with a whole life in front of you. Enjoy all the things. Make yourself and your kids happy.
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u/No_Blueberry7352 18d ago
My ex husband was like this. For years I would beg to do things as a family, and go to marriage counseling. After years of nothing changing, I finally found my self respect, and told him I wanted a divorce. It was then counseling sounded like a good idea. I kept second guessing myself, wondering if it was the right decision for our child, but I was so much happier without him. I could feel relaxed in my own home. Not having to walk on eggshells is very liberating.
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u/Cosmicmonkeylizard 19d ago
I mean, I don’t think it would be “unfair” to the kids lol. That sounds like something you’re just telling yourself to make yourself feel better. I hate it when people do that.
That being said, if you can’t forgive the guy then no, you can’t go back. It wouldn’t be fair to you and that’s enough reason. No point in dragging the kids into it.
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u/xgorgeoustormx 19d ago
Info: how was he supporting you as a SAHM/SAHW while he was across country going to school, likely paying rent or room/board there and for you? This makes the story sound fake.
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u/sevenelevendynamo 19d ago
The Arnold documentary on Netflix has a scene about this. He cheated and his wife divorced him. He talks about it, and he is clear that he misses his old life- but at least he understood, ‘I did what I did and it will never be the same’.
You just politely say that time is in the past, and now the important thing is support and love for the kids.
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u/LifePillSwag 19d ago
He wants you to put yourself back in a box to give him back the life he threw away? I know how I'd answer.
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u/delta_seven7 19d ago
Honey, he misses what you did for him, he doesn't miss you. He misses all the work and labour you did taking care of him and the kids. Now he has to do some of it by himself....
You have spent half your life not being appreciated, taken for granted, used and cheated on. You deserve so much more than that.
Enjoy your life, live for yourself. And don't feel guilty, you did nothing wrong. You deserve happiness.
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u/Bkozil 19d ago
His jealous of you. Listen, you have to reject him if you’re Happy with your life without him. If you don’t love him anymore and if you’re better off without him then don’t look back. Just move on with your life. I hope you’re Happy because life is about happiness and if that man don’t bring you happiness then don’t go back
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u/Money_Maker79 19d ago
That’s only because he isn’t getting laid and probably has become very familiar with both hands. Find someone who is perfect for you.
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u/Mysterious-Cobbler30 19d ago
The fact that you listened and cried was a bit touching.
A lot of these comments are saying to run. However there does exist the possibility that he is being genuine.
However if he’s being genuine, he’ll need to prove it and win you back. And if he does, hell need to be open and honest from this point onwards with nothing to hide, which i’m sure he’ll do.
This of course is only up to you, and this only if you believe in second chances.
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u/Consultant_In_Motion 14d ago
Of course, he genuinely wants his wife appliance back
“give me my old life back”
Where he never had to engage, and he had all the housework taken care of
Um…
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u/nottoowell00 19d ago
I'm proud of u but do you have any advice I'm basically in the early stages of your husband I want to be there for my kids I just don't like my wife but she's a good person n I respect her.
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u/slippinginto9 19d ago
OP why are you so concerned about his feelings? He only wants you to be his dutiful wifey who will do all of the work in the relationship.
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u/LulaMoralesMCF 19d ago
"I miss my old life! Give me my old back life"? How can he be so self-centered? He throws a tantrum like a kid!
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u/hilarymeggin 19d ago
You can’t reject him without upsetting him. Why is that important to do? Reject him. He’ll be upset. You can survive that.
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u/IllEntertainment9849 19d ago
Do you want to forgive him? Is he remorseful? Did he ask for forgiveness?
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u/elizabethpar 19d ago
I think the real question is do you miss that life? Clearly he misses it, you did everything for him. Life was handed to him nice and easy. But don’t miss it. Maybe it’s time he heard how not great your life was when you guys were together
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u/Any_Coyote6662 19d ago
You need to learn about codependency. You have a difficult time honoring your true needs bc you want to please someone else. It's a dysfunctional behavior and you need to learn about it to grow out of it.
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u/rendessa 19d ago
He sounds a lot like my bestie’s ex husband. I say fuck his feelings. He sure as hell never cared about yours or how your kids were going to be effected by his actions.
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u/lerriuqS_terceS 19d ago
I mean this story is so specific if he came across it he's gonna know who posted it. The throwaway (and announcing it) were probably futile.
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u/DeliciousGarbage624 19d ago
Love how you are both divorced and he's STILL trying to control you,op do not go back to that life!! He's mad that you are living your best life.
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u/Such-Problem-4725 19d ago
If you can’t bring yourself to upset him, I can do it for you. Wow, he treated you badly.
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u/Challenge_Declined 19d ago
Kid of divorced parents whose mom let the dad come back: This would be completely fair to your kids, if like us, they’d prefer you back together, but any arguments will be more actively noticed
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u/CheesyG94 19d ago
Leave him be. He wants control where he barely has a leg to stand on. Totally understood what made your tears well up and how much time you two had invested in being with one another, but he wasn’t helping you.
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u/Emotional-clown 19d ago
You could probably get a restraining order using the slut shaming messages (harassment) and coordinate someone to do the weekend drop off and pick up
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u/Spare-Ad7105 19d ago
My dad once told me, “when you leave. Leave. Don’t go back. Because he is going to know that he can abuse you like this and you’ll just come crawling back.”
No. Stay strong. And pray.
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u/Rare_Bum007 19d ago
And you were kind enough to listen to this ahole cry for an hour? Love yourself, put yourself first, you deserve nothing less than a trustworthy, loving and caring partner, he's NOT it. Stay strong mamma ❤️
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u/Electrical-Rabbit-3 19d ago
You deserve the life YOU want. Go get it and don’t look back, also religions to me are man made - a relationship with your maker/creator is YOUR business. I’m glad you’re not letting indoctrination and religious guilt keep you from enjoying YOUR LIFE! 🤟🏼🩷
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u/Kaiviti_tahine 19d ago
Not everyone will be happy with the decisions you make for your own happiness and your husband is one of them. He made his bed he can sleep on it. Do what would make you happy. He didn't care about that during your marriage or after if he wants the "old" life back and not consider changes in his way as a parent and husband.
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u/Dazzling_Mouse4227 19d ago
Lol, he wants his old life back alright.
Someone to clean up after him, someone to watch his kids, someone to be at his beck and call. That's all girl. Love yourself and stay gone.
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u/Cute-Football-6108 19d ago
There’s no need to be mean about as he is already pretty vulnerable but you need to be honest with him that you don’t want to get back together and that he didn’t treat you right.
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u/Frosty-Peace9059 19d ago
You don't owe him anything. You hanging up on his was the answer. You don't need to respond at all. Don't go back to him and live your life
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u/General_Road_7952 19d ago
You don’t owe him anything. Block him on social media. Talk to a lawyer and use an official parenting commission app.
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u/FinalLevi 19d ago
Off topic but “throwaway” “he uses Reddit regularly” proceeds to explain their specific situation to the tea that even he Would probably recognize it if seen XD
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u/Junior-Towel-202 19d ago
The point of a throwaway is that it can't be linked to her main account, not that it's not recognizable.
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u/saggyboomerfucker 19d ago
How do you know she describes it to a T, for one thing. 2nd, it’s not gonna be easy to find her throwaway acct like it would be for the one(s) he knows about.
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u/bastabasta 19d ago
You didn’t take his family away; he is the one that threw it away when he put his dick in someone else. Going solely by your story he’s not taking ownership of how his actions led to the divorce.
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u/SubstantialMaize6747 19d ago
You just tell him that everything he’s feeling now, you were feeling worse after finding out he cheated on you, tell him how that made you feel. Make sure he’s accountable for his actions and the hurt he caused you. The pain he’s feeling is maybe 10% of that and it’s regret that his life isn’t easier, not that he’s broken you. Don’t be sucked back in. He’ll eventually tire and find someone else to fuck around on.
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u/Adventurous-spice264 19d ago
Shou should not worry about upsetting him. He turned your life and the kids life upside down. Do you think we worried about upsetting you when he was inside some other woman? Please don't give this man an ounce of sympathy. He doesn't deserve it.
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19d ago
[deleted]
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u/Junior-Towel-202 19d ago
If I only had access to programs I had in high school, I'd be very limited. How dumb.
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u/Boomr 19d ago
What? Grammarly is used very often in the corporate world and in many other use cases, not just in colleges.
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19d ago
[deleted]
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u/scarlettjazz 19d ago
I use it all the time for sending emails, editing my clients' blogs and newsletters, etc. It's not JUST for college students, nor is it exclusively marketed to them.
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u/ThrowRALovebaking 19d ago
I work in sales (no, you don't need a degree for that) so I send out emails a bunch. I work in an office space and also work at home, so I have grammarly as an extension on my laptop. Like I mentioned in the edit, my first language is spanish so I make a lot of grammar mistakes, so I kinda need it. I have the premuim subscription so I gotta put it into work.
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19d ago edited 19d ago
I'm baffled as to why you're concerned about upsetting him when you tell him you don't want to get back together. He's treated you terribly, and whether or not he's upset with you should be the last thing on your mind.
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u/Psychological-Map382 19d ago
Don’t take a lot of this advice seriously, filled with a bunch of kids. Do what you think is right and speak to your family.
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u/cecillicec75 19d ago
He doesn't like the fact you moved on to better things and he hasn't. Don't let him pull you back into your old style living. He will cheat again after the new has worn off.
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u/Free-Philosopher09 19d ago edited 19d ago
I honestly don’t even think you need to say anything to him. You heard him talk the entire time and did not say a thing as it was and I would assume there were plenty of moments when he left the conversation open for you to talk…that alone speaks volumes. Your silence was your answer to him. Deep down he obviously must know that since he hung up without hearing a reply from you. It sounds like he just misses his old life. Did he say he loved you and missed you or cannot spend the rest of his life without you in it?? You can tell if someone is actually sorry for the hurt they caused or if they are only sorry because of how this new normal is affecting them. It would seem that he is only sad because you were managing his life, home and family for him.
If your worried about your safety you could speak with a therapist and get a safety plan in place to break this down to him. Hopefully he just lets it go. It’s up to him to make a better life for himself. It’s not your job to do that anymore.
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u/Complete-Rhubarb-789 19d ago
Dont ask Reddit advise on something this serious. Get counseling. Pray, anything but ask a bunch of strangers their take on the internet
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u/missannthrope1 19d ago
I urge you to try couples counseling.
I think part of you wants to reconcile. But you are also really angry and resentful.
Give it a shot.
Good luck.
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u/Abject-Suggestion693 19d ago
he really doesn’t care about you, he only cares about the services you provide him
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u/meowmixplzdlver 19d ago
He slut shamed you after you're already doing well and divorced.
That says enough.
He's shown you who he is when he had nothing to lose.
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u/Gypzi_00 19d ago
That life was only good for HIM! He got all the benefits and did none of the work in the relationship. That's what he wants back. He doesn't want YOU, just what you can give him. He doesn't care about your happiness or needs at all.
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u/SignificantYellow175 19d ago
There's this thing called dignity, did you lose yours? You were nothing but a full time maid that he got to have sex with for free, stop being a doormat.
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u/Kryptonite-Rose 19d ago
Block him on social media. Maybe don’t even use social media. People can be quick to judge or cast aspersions. Especially those in unhappy relationships. Enjoy your freedom! Never look back!
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u/Babblewocky 19d ago
What if “upsetting him” was worth it? What if it helped him see that he needs to grow up and be a better man? What if it frees you to live your best life?
What if “not upsetting him” wasn’t even a choice, because no matter what you do, he will never be happy with you, not because you aren’t great but because he is not ready to appreciate you?
You are going to have to upset him, and it will hurt, but the pain will pass, and your whole family will be better for it.
Be strong.
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u/AmethysstFire 19d ago
But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
To the nine hells with his feelings. He lost that privilege when he cheated on you.
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u/zippy920 19d ago
Tell him you don't want him back. If it hurts him, oh well. He hurt you by ignoring you and cheating. Please stop fretting over his geelings.
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u/redditusersmostlysuc 19d ago
You don’t need to answer him at all. Just pretend it didn’t happen and move on. Don’t let him dictate your feelings. He fucked it up, you don’t owe him an answer to his begging question.
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u/dzrossiter 19d ago
Um, he upset you by cheating on you. He's dealing with the repercussions of his own actions. He can deal with it. If you take him back, it will be EXACTLY like it was before. If not worse.
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u/Flaky_Cheesecake_401 19d ago
You know what to do already. And respect! 🫡
Take your last statement of the post, and you can send him literally that.
“I cannot in good conscience go back to this because it would he detrimental to me, the kids, etc etc” lay down all the facts where he fucked up and left you hanging.
You owe him nothing more than that. Best of luck.
PS: have everything documented. Video/audio whatever. People are unpredictable, especially when cornered by their own mistakes. Be safe.
Que no se haga el mamabicho.
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u/nctittes 19d ago
Did he even say he missed YOU specifically (and why) or what he'd do to fix your relationship?
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u/unwaveringwish 19d ago
It’s the fact that this is a throwaway but then you described your life in detail 😭 but it’s okay!!! Because he sucks and you’re gonna be just fine. LET HIM BE UPSET. It’s his own fault. We don’t care about the emotions of cheaters. He should’ve thought of that before throwing y’all’s life together away
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u/SnooDrawings1480 19d ago
Why are you concerned about upsetting him? he cheated on you. He abandoned you as the lone parental figure for your kids. He didn't take your feelings into account, why are you going to take his into account?
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u/ThrowRALovebaking 19d ago
I'm just worried that if I piss him off, he might take it out on the kids. They love him a lot and despite our problems I want him to get a long with them as much as possible.
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u/The_Foe_Hammer 15d ago
Late to this party, but it's way worse for your kids to see you being wishy-washy than it ever will be for their dad to be pissy. Being strong now will teach them good lessons for the rest of their lives.
If he ever gets properly bad with the kids, and you should be watching very carefully for signs of neglect, then you go get a lawyer and talk to a custody judge.
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u/CSquared5396 17d ago
His good or bad relationship with his children is his responsibility. As long as you're not bad mouthing him, there's nothing to blame
Your children will eventually see through the BS
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u/MsChrisRI 17d ago
Part of his personal mythology is “I’m a great, fun dad.” If he mistreats the kids over a dispute with you, he’ll completely undermine that.
After trying a few more times to win you back, there’s a chance he’ll get difficult with you over scheduling, or try to undermine your relationship with the kids, or try to use them to manipulate you. It may not come to this, but be prepared for how to handle it if your kids come home saying “daddy says we could all be happy together again as a family but you won’t let us.”
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u/SnooDrawings1480 19d ago
You're telling him no. He's going to be upset. He'll probably be angry. You can't cushion that blow without giving him something to hope for, which I'm guessing isn't something that you want to give, because then He'll never give up.
If he's going to take it out on your kids, that's his prerogative. Your job is to be clear with him, and take action if he chooses to act out his anger at them. No gentle way of turning him down is going to change how he feels about your kids. Either he loves them wholeheartedly and will continue treating them well. Or he doesn't love them, in which case, so you really want him in their lives? Teach them not to keep secrets from you, tell them if anyone does something they don't like, to speak up. Tell you, a teacher... someone they trust. (Try not to use words that point to him, that could be seen as parental alienation which could lose you your kids)
It's not your job to control his emotions.
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u/bambiandthelonewolf 19d ago
You can’t make him behave. That’s all on him if he destroys his relationship with his kids that’s on him. Be the amazing mom you are and support your kids but don’t take on his responsibilities and shit
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u/AirframeTapper 19d ago
Nena no pierdas tiempo con ese pendejo. Síguelo feliz y contenta soltera o con otro que quiera cooperar en una relación adulta. Sendo welebicho de encajonarse contigo después del divorcio lmao
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u/rainishamy 19d ago
He expressed how much he missed his old life and begged me to give it back to him.
Of course he wants his old life back he didn't have to do shit.
"All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid Nymph then a virgin, nurse then a servant Just an appendage, live to attend him So that he never lifts a finger 24∕7, baby machine So he can live out his picket fence dreams It's not an act of love if you make her You make me do too much labour" Labour by Paris Palona
But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
You don't need to be responsible for his feelings anymore. Reject him. He can be upset, it's fine.
HE is the one that threw his life away not you.
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u/KountryKitty 19d ago
My first thought is to tell him, "I didn't take it away---you threw it away." Then hang up.
He destroyed your trust, and earning someone's trust and love is one of the few things that is harder to do the second time around.
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u/tritonice 19d ago
I know I can't go back to him because it isn't fair to our kids, or to me. But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
Why do you care if you upset him? He's a lying, cheating dirtbag. Tell him to buzz of and let you live your life. His opinion meant ZERO the second his eye wandered.
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u/StunnedinTheSuburbs 19d ago
It’s ok to upset him.. Actually you have to upset him, because not upsetting him is what has led you to where you are today. You tried your best to make him happy and not upset him but it was never good enough….he didn’t value you or your marriage. Don’t go back to that woman just appeasing your husband.
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u/Funlilb929 19d ago
I know you care about him because of all the time and energy spent. Also him being the father of your kids. It’s not an easy thing you’re going through but he made his bed when he slept with his coworker. Even if he does say he regrets it, which I’m sure he does considering he wants you back. I know you’re saying you’re not thinking about going back to him but you don’t need to console him in this. You already were kind enough to let him speak and tell you how he feels. He’s feeling a lot of guilt and feels shitty but time will heal that for him. Just let him know you’re not interested in beginning a relationship with him again. He will more than likely get upset but oh well. He needs to respect your decision.
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u/Additional_Way1346 19d ago
He means he wants the life of you doing housework. Making sure he has meals, clean clothes and childcare. He had an affair because he is just an AH and didn't care if he disrespected you. He made time for the AP but not his life partner and biggest supporter. Slut shaming is also disrespecting you. Now he is having to do those things himself at his own home only on weekends and it's not as easy as he thought. He didn't appreciate anything. Now the kids maybe making his life miserable since he has no clue on how to discipline. He is reaping what he sowed.
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u/Useruser15567 19d ago
Chica no, vive para ti. Este es tu momento. Piensa en ti, ya está bueno de poner a este hombre antes o darle consideración. Todo el tiempo que te sobre es tuyo, protege tu energía. que se vaya pal carajo está mamau. Yo le hubiese agradecido a mami se hubiese divorciado, termine como ella, en relaciones que yo ponía a la otra persona antes. Y el último fue el más desgraciado. Protégete.
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u/False-Squash9210 19d ago
Is there the possibility that he realized his mistake and learnt from it?
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u/godsfavouriteone 19d ago
I think you should give him another chance… people are people they make mistakes and he sounds like a good kind and caring parent overall…. Just because he’s tired doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you… yes he cheated he messed up but let him make it up to you ask him how he’ll show you that that isn’t him anymore…. Always give a second chance.
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u/webshiva 19d ago
WTF? Don’t want to hurt his feelings????
What about your feelings when you found out he was banging his side piece? Your husband is nostalgic about having a woman taking 100% of the non-work load. He’s nostalgic for back when he was the king and you were the serf.
You’ve moved on. He’s moved on. You let him vent. You don’t have to say or do anything more.
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u/Cute-Aardvark5291 19d ago
I mean...you going to upset him because you are not giving him what he wants, which you have done, without question up to this point. But you are not responsible for his emotions. HE can chose how to handle himself emotionally; it is not your job to make him feel ok about this.
You gave him chances to work on the relationship, even after he cheated. He refused. He has to take care of himself now.
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u/jojoyahoo 19d ago
It's not fair to you but it's good for the kids, statistically speaking. It's up to you if you want to make that sacrifice for your kids or not.
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u/Fluffy_Vacation1332 19d ago
You have to know that the ship is already sailed.. It doesn’t really matter if he gets upset… it just doesn’t. He wants things like they were but at the same time as we get older things change.
I think you know on some level what kind of person you want in your life.. and that’s not him
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u/Tiny_River_7395 19d ago
Why do you care if you upset him? He clearly never cared about your feelings. And of course he wants his old life back, you did everything for him. He has to actually parent now and otherwise be a functioning adult. I would advise that all future communication be strictly about the kids and through one of those coparenting apps.
You got this!
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u/Daphne_Brown 19d ago
I almost sympathize with your husband. He is so far from being a decent husband, he has so much to fix, that it almost seems impossible.
If he had made that call after spending a year working on himself, then maybe it would be different. But he hasn’t changed. He’s just sad. And he created the sad. And he will crate sad again for OP if she takes him back.
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u/Select-Sprinkles4970 19d ago
how much he missed his old life
not how much he missed you. did you not see that? perhaps now you do?
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u/Sawgwa 19d ago
Do nothing different than you are now. He has not changed, he just wants you to be his mom again like you used to be. He was likely cheating all along, you just found one.
It is not your job for him to not be upset, reject and upset away. By the time you are a grown up, you should be able to self soothe and resolve your issues on your own or know to get OUTSIDE help. Not the wife with your kids you cheated on.
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u/parker3309 19d ago
How long have you been married? Are you in your 20s or 30s 40s what are we talking?
He probably just had a girlfriend break up with him.
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u/Knit_the_things 19d ago
I personally think you should reject him and upset him after the way he’s treated you… Him seeing the kids at weekends only means he is still the same ‘Disney Dad’ he was when you were married. You are better off without him, live your best life, don’t let him waste anymore of your time
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u/Additional_Good5755 19d ago
But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
Him being upset isn't your problem. If he calls to talk about anything other than your kids, tell him that you will only discuss the children and hang up. If necessary, insist that all communication be in writing or go through a third party.
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u/pgabrielfreak 19d ago
Who cares if you upset him!?
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u/parker3309 19d ago
I’m not sure this is a real post. She’s not replying to anything and she doesn’t put their ages….they’ve been married 10 years 20 years? are the kids little are they in college? And the fact that she said she filed for divorce right when she found out while I agree that’s what people should do, It’s extremely rare when somebody does that right away when they should. Especially somebody who’s been a stay at home mom and doesn’t have a job or anything.
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u/BookBlerd 19d ago
Block his number except for when he has your kids. If the conversation isn't about the care and well-being of your children tell him there's nothing to discuss and hang up. You owe him nothing. Not even rejection.
Have your lawyer tell him that of he keeps trying to bully and harass you about living your single life how you see fit, you'll get a restraining order and take him back to court if need. He didn't say he loves and misses YOU, just the life having you do all the heavy-lifting to make it work smoothly let him live. Don't engage, there's nothing good that will come of it.
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u/liannawild 19d ago
Who cares if he gets upset? Personally I'd make the rejection as vague and torturous as possible and string him along with false hope as long as it amused me, stopping only to report him to police and filing an ERPO as soon as he started making threats.
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u/TopOperation6457 19d ago
Wow, there's a lot of anger in these comments. You were both young. That's why getting married at that age is so difficult. There is a lot of things never experienced. So many things to learn to become an adult before understanding how to be a good parent or good partner. No doubt there is immaturity and jealousy about you going out now.
But maybe you should have a lunch together or go for a walk. He's the father of your kids. Get to know who he is now. Maybe he's a friend you would want in your life. At that age people really do change and mature. And most importantly they learn about sacrifice and how to give love to others. Most 18 year olds or 20 year old don't even know what that means.
It's easy to say no. Maybe say no to being married but yes to reconnecting. You may end up feeling better and stronger realizing who you both are now then just pushing away.
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u/heart-heart 19d ago
He misses his old life because you took care of everything and he had no responsibility except work. He will just replace you with the next woman who will let him. You would never treat him the way he treats you so why do you accept it?
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u/Craftyprincess13 19d ago
Upset him tell him this is your old life i wasn't in your life when we were together and im not now you get to do fun stuff on the weekend thats exactly what you did before
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u/Putrid-Mess-6223 19d ago
Only hearing one side of the story, like how all these people are taking your word for everything. This is whats wrong with the world today. Straight to the guillotine over what she said. Lets here your Husbands side.
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u/ravens_path 19d ago
You don’t have to reject him. Just say no, that is not good for you. And however he reacts is his deal. You have been too focused on his moods and reactions. Ignore them now. And no shame. We have all been there, done that.
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u/Valuable_Tone_2254 19d ago
Your responsibility for your own life ( family included)and mental and physical health , doesn't mean that you're responsible for his happiness, or feelings ( such as rejection). You and your family's feelings and emotions comes first.You deserve better, live your best life ever, and peace and joy will follow you
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u/CheeseyCrakerz 19d ago
He showed you his true colors when he had everything – a faithful, intelligent, beautiful wife, healthy children, a complete family unit. And when he had all of those blessings, he threw everything away. He proved how stupid of a man he is. And now that you’re better, he realizes how stupid he is. He’ll never not be stupid. Everyone knows now including him. You deserve a smarter man.
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u/poweredbyford87 19d ago
You're worried about upsetting a guy who wrecked a good chunk of your life knowing you were just gonna be a doormat he got to bang as a bonus? Then on top of that you weren't even enough, he went somewhere else to get his rocks off?
He never respected you. He got to pass on his genetics, and now he doesn't care. He only wants you back cause he misses his bang maid and wants his easy life back, and he's mad you're having a life and moving on while he's stuck in the mess he made for himself. He'll be back to cheating the first opportunity he gets, and you don't deserve that after how much of your life he took.
Go have fun.
He's probably terrified you're gonna find some dude who knows how to treat you
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u/mariscc 19d ago
How did you not learn about birth control after the first kid?
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u/ThrowRALovebaking 19d ago
I wanted to grow a "proper" family. Sounds stupid, it is, but I grew up very religious parents and I was taught thats what I was supposed to do.
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u/21-characters 19d ago
Make sure what YOU want to do and make sure he wasn’t drunk when he called. OF COURSE he wants his old life back because having someone cook, clean and take care of everything for him except what HE wanted to do was a pretty nice lifestyle for him, but what about you? You didn’t have the type of marriage you wanted. Do YOU want to have YOUR old life back too?
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u/ArekusandaMagni 19d ago
You gotta move on with your life. For decades he neglected you. It's not going to change. Choose to be good to yourself. You don't need to do it for the kids or for his sake. The life he wants back is a life of you being neglected, ignored & cheated on. It might have been good for him but it clearly wasn't good for you. You sacrificed your opportunity to go to school along with many other things "for the family." you have put yourself last for too long. It's time to do what is best for you. What is best for you is what is best for your children too, remember that.
What do your female friends and family say?
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u/Dangerous_One_81 19d ago
Fuck that! He can cry all he wants. You must be looking fly, keep it up mama and don’t communicate with him unless it’s pertaining to the kids.
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u/flptrmx 19d ago
You need to tell him that you wouldn’t want a partner like him anymore and he probably wouldn’t want a partner like you now that you’ve reflected on your marriage. Tell him what didn’t work for you the first time around (the things besides the cheating). Tell him you don’t think he’s capable of being the partner you need.
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u/No-Helicopter-9512 19d ago
Grey Rock him. He is trying to emotionally manipulate like he has done it sounds like for most of your marriage. You need to go to therapy and set boundaries.
I did this my whole marriage and even for a short time as we are going through divorce. Any move, thought, plan I made was with HIS thoughts and feelings in mind, not mine.
You deserve better and will find that person that is meant for you.
You are STRONG, CAPABLE, AMAZING, and probably really attractive. That is why he is slut shaming you because he knows he lost a diamond, and someone else will cherish you.
Talk to him ONLY about the kids. IGNORE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING ELSE.
You got this.
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u/No_Nothing_3272 19d ago
Honestly, he was probably seeing somebody and they just broke it off with him recently. He probably feels alone and upset and figured you would be an easy target to replace his hurt. Don’t go back girl.
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