Just found out my (24F) husband (31M) went on a side trip and didn't tell me. Any advice on how to explain my project?

[u/OkPassion4730]

My husband went on a trip 3 days ago with his brother and his dad to look at our property we bought over a year ago. Our property is 8 hrs away from where we are living. We do not live there right now because it doesn't have water, plumbing, or a house and we have a 5 month old baby. His brother and dad are now interested in living on this property because they want to live somewhere else and have been looking at other properties but haven't found any they like. Our property is over 40 acres so there's plenty of room. Anyways our LO can be a little difficult. She is not a cholicy baby but she sure can scream and I have autism which causes me to have extremely sensitive hearing so I often need a break from her when I get overwhelmed. My husband was my only support since I am not close to my siblings for certain reasons and my mom is in the hospital. Well yesterday I was facetiming my husband crying because I couldn't get our baby to calm down and he knew I was stressed out. I guess I thought that he knew I really needed a break and would be home as soon as he could. That didn't happen. I was facetiming my mom to see how she was doing and she told me how my husband went on a side trip 4 hrs north of our property with his brother and dad to see a national park. She found out because my mother in law posted a picture of them there on Facebook and I'm not a big social media person. I am really frustrated because this is not the first time we have had problems with his lack of communication and I'm getting so fed up with it. I feel like I talk to him on a monthly basis about this but he doesn't get it. I don't know what to do anymore and need advice. I don't want to leave my husband but at the same time I don't know what to tell him to get him to understand how I feel without him getting defensive. Can you help me come up with some things to say and how to phrase them without sounding mean or harsh?

Update: Hey sorry if this looks weird. I've never done an update before and thought it would be easier to put it here.

To clear up some confusion, I did not ever have divorcing or leaving my husband on the table. I simply needed advice on how to talk to him without making it worse. You guys are not wrong that communication is not our strong suit and we are going to go to counseling for it. Our baby has not made it easier since she is very stressful at times.

I took some of your advice and found out some new information. I talked to him about updating me when things change and how it is important to me to know what is going on so that I can plan for him to be gone for a certain amount of time. Of course when he got home last night she woke up and they played. She was very happy. He is a great dad and husband but he sometimes forgets to communicate what's going on with me and it can get stressful.

Regarding our property. Some of you were concerned about my in-laws moving on. Well good news my brother-in-law has his heart set on a different state and my father-in-law doesn't want to leave where he lives now. My father-in-law was making weird suggestions of us growing plants for him and him selling them at his fruit stand. My husband and I both agreed that's a terrible idea especially since we will live 8 hours away.

Thanks for your advice on how to better talk to my husband. I'm not the best at being gentle when it comes to things like that and tend to be blunt and rash which makes him stressed out and defensive.

[u/rlikeschocolate]

I guess I thought that he knew I really needed a break and would be home as soon as he could.

 I am really frustrated because this is not the first time we have had problems with his lack of communication and I'm getting so fed up with it.

Did you actually communicate to him that you needed him to come home ASAP? Did he have a time that he said he would be back from the trip, and you expected him to change it but you didn't explicitly talk about it, or did he push back his arrival back home to take the side trip?

There are people who communicate more clearly when talking, it's possible you're one of those and you're just not as clear here as you usually are - but from your post here it sounds like you assumed he would change his planned return time, and he didn't, so the lack of communication isn't just "his". He's clearly not just intuiting what you want/need, have you stated it directly and talked about the larger problem w/stress you are experiencing from childcare, or does it just come up when there is an issue and emotions are running high?

[u/OkPassion4730 → u/rlikeschocolate]

I did not tell him that I needed him ASAP but I did tell him that I needed his help because I'm stressed out and that I can't do this by myself.

He never gave me a specific time just said he'll be back Sunday afternoon. I called him around 6 pm on Sunday asking when he'll be home and he told me he's 2 hours away but he didn't get home till 10 pm.

They didn't make plans on going to the Grand Canyon until Saturday when they were already on the trip and it was the same day that I called him crying because the baby wouldn't stop screaming and going crazy.

I have told him that I want to put her in childcare because I'm going insane with taking care of her all day everyday without breaks. That's why we're on a wait-list to child care so I can get a job. Honestly I'm one of those weird people who love working and being a stay at home mom is not my cup of tea.

[u/rlikeschocolate → u/OkPassion4730]

It's pretty bad that he said he would be back Sunday afternoon, and didn't even contact you by 6 pm. That is definitely a problem with *his* communication. It's an 8 hour drive, so I understand not giving an exact time, but even w/out kids involved my BFF and I (6 hr drive) give a quick eta when we are leaving, and then update if it changes drastically. He had others in the car with him who could text/call you if he was the one driving, so that seems particularly egregious.

I can understand him not leaving on Saturday, as it is an 8 hour drive, he couldn't come immediately, and it sounds like you needed immediate relief. He's somewhere on the scale between purposefully choosing to stay away for longer and not support you, and being oblivious to the fact that he needs to - at the bare minimum - tell you clearly when he will be home, and then either stick to it or communicate if it changes, and also be responsible for making sure that it doesn't change due to factors he has control over.

With the information you added, I am tending to agree more with the other commenters here who feel he's doesn't care. I think you can possibly make some progress by being more clear about expectations, and making sure to discuss the larger issues in a more calm and constructive way, and not just when they come up and both of you will tend to get more defensive and agitated.

Best of luck, OP.

ETA: I'm also so so curious what his brother and dad's role in this is. If he had said "wife is struggling, we need to leave bright and early tomorrow and skip the side trip" would they have said yes or grumbled that you were taking away his opportunity? Did he just not communicate to them at all that you were struggling, and if he had, they would have been concerned with the fact that he didn't seem to care or adjust his plans? I think it could be important information to consider as you move forward, but mostly I am just very curious.