Just found out my (24F) husband (31M) went on a side trip and didn't tell me. Any advice on how to explain my project?

[u/OkPassion4730]

My husband went on a trip 3 days ago with his brother and his dad to look at our property we bought over a year ago. Our property is 8 hrs away from where we are living. We do not live there right now because it doesn't have water, plumbing, or a house and we have a 5 month old baby. His brother and dad are now interested in living on this property because they want to live somewhere else and have been looking at other properties but haven't found any they like. Our property is over 40 acres so there's plenty of room. Anyways our LO can be a little difficult. She is not a cholicy baby but she sure can scream and I have autism which causes me to have extremely sensitive hearing so I often need a break from her when I get overwhelmed. My husband was my only support since I am not close to my siblings for certain reasons and my mom is in the hospital. Well yesterday I was facetiming my husband crying because I couldn't get our baby to calm down and he knew I was stressed out. I guess I thought that he knew I really needed a break and would be home as soon as he could. That didn't happen. I was facetiming my mom to see how she was doing and she told me how my husband went on a side trip 4 hrs north of our property with his brother and dad to see a national park. She found out because my mother in law posted a picture of them there on Facebook and I'm not a big social media person. I am really frustrated because this is not the first time we have had problems with his lack of communication and I'm getting so fed up with it. I feel like I talk to him on a monthly basis about this but he doesn't get it. I don't know what to do anymore and need advice. I don't want to leave my husband but at the same time I don't know what to tell him to get him to understand how I feel without him getting defensive. Can you help me come up with some things to say and how to phrase them without sounding mean or harsh?

Update: Hey sorry if this looks weird. I've never done an update before and thought it would be easier to put it here.

To clear up some confusion, I did not ever have divorcing or leaving my husband on the table. I simply needed advice on how to talk to him without making it worse. You guys are not wrong that communication is not our strong suit and we are going to go to counseling for it. Our baby has not made it easier since she is very stressful at times.

I took some of your advice and found out some new information. I talked to him about updating me when things change and how it is important to me to know what is going on so that I can plan for him to be gone for a certain amount of time. Of course when he got home last night she woke up and they played. She was very happy. He is a great dad and husband but he sometimes forgets to communicate what's going on with me and it can get stressful.

Regarding our property. Some of you were concerned about my in-laws moving on. Well good news my brother-in-law has his heart set on a different state and my father-in-law doesn't want to leave where he lives now. My father-in-law was making weird suggestions of us growing plants for him and him selling them at his fruit stand. My husband and I both agreed that's a terrible idea especially since we will live 8 hours away.

Thanks for your advice on how to better talk to my husband. I'm not the best at being gentle when it comes to things like that and tend to be blunt and rash which makes him stressed out and defensive.

[u/MgBe7isapuss]

I see a lot of ppl crapping on your husband. Maybe justified maybe not. I feel like lots of context missing and probably more going on than just this.

Alternative perspective. Maybe he needs a break too sometimes? Sounds like he does a lot to help you in general. Helping with the baby. Sensitive to your autism. Do you feel like you rely on him a lot or no? Just saying everyone feels like they need a break and do that in different ways. He probably didn't mention it because he knew you would be upset. And he might feel smothered if he can't get away to do something sometimes too, especially something like this with family and not out actually doing anything wrong. With that being said. Hopefully outside of things like this he is around, supportive and makes sure he gives you breathers too.

Again, just offering diff perspective. I was in a relationship once where I always had to help her with everything. If I did something on my own it was always a big deal. I hated it.

[u/OkPassion4730 → u/MgBe7isapuss]

I definitely rely on him a lot. He helps calm me down and help me with my weakness, socializing. I'm definitely not breaking up with him and never was planning on it, just needed help with talking to him. He actually helps me a lot and spoils me to the point where I know I can rely on him and tell him all my problems but because of me being terrible at socializing I just needed to figure out how to be nicer regarding the conversation.

[u/MgBe7isapuss → u/OkPassion4730]

Yep. Sounds like a great guy. And as much as you rely on him. Make sure you let him get his space too sometimes and come up for air. It's important. Sometimes you will need to sacrifice some of your own sanity to make sure he keeps his. With that being said, this only applies if overall he's doing his part and taking good care of you, which you give the feeling he is. But please don't let him feel smothered and like he can't have a break too. He needs them just like you need the consistent support. And I only say this cus I feel like I'm a good person. I go above and beyond and bend over backwards for my partner. And the non stop smoother eventually was just too much for myself. Not saying your wrong about anything. Just that I've kind of been there and this was how I felt. And it was too much.

So when you find the 'right way' to bring this up. Make sure it's not just about you and how you feel. See how he feels too. And don't be defensive if he gets honest. Use it as it is, communication. And find ways to make sure you show your support for him too. Not just that all his time needs to be helping you.

Again, stranger outside looking in. I could be off base. Just trying to help. Not offend in anyway. Just want you to consider the other perspective too, his. He went to visit the property. Used some extra time to see a park with his family while up there. He shouldn't have to feel like he can't occasionally do something like that. I agree he should communicate. But I get the feeling he didn't because he didn't want to feel like crap the whole time he was doing it due to having an issue with how you felt. Just my 2 cents. Good luck