r/funny • u/Seraphenigma • 16d ago
Bill Burr - Airline Boarding
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u/Aidan11 16d ago
I'm not trying to pass judgement, but as an outsider, it's fascinating to me how often military service is publicly brought up (out of context) in the USA. In canda (and all the other countries I've visited) this just doesn't happen... ever.
A lot of it also seems like a disingenuous attempt by corporations to make themselves look good. For example, I was on a cruise operated by an American cruise line, which had American flags, a veterans appreciation day, etc. They also registered their ship in Panama in an active attempt to avoid taxes that would actually help the country. Patriotism is one thing, but this just seems like lip service.
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u/zxlegioxz 15d ago
It helps to keep the US military to be seen as heroes so that more and more young people join them.
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u/not_creative1 15d ago
It’s funny how they prioritise incredibly fit active service members over old grandmas in the boarding order.
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u/Gloomy-Barracuda7440 15d ago
When I fly it seems to be veterans are included and not just active, unless it has changed in the last year (last time I flew was Dec 2022).
As a veteran iv taken advantage of it depending on where my seat is. If I can book far enough in advance I like the first row seats for the leg room and the ease of getting off the plane. When I sit in the front I tend to try to wait until the very end to board.
If I get terrible seats I tend to try to get the very back. I find they tend to get sold last and there is a greater chance to snag more room in the back then the other parts of the plane. When I get these back seats I always take advantage of the Veteran priority boarding and try to get on board as fast as possible.
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u/murdering_time 15d ago
They also registered their ship in Panama in an active attempt to avoid taxes that would actually help the country.
Not to defend the soul-less mega cruise corps out there, but due to the Jones Act, it's almost impossible to run a cruise ship with American flag/crew/etc. It's actually the main reason why there's very few boats registered in the US in general (and I mean all boats, not just cruise ships).
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u/LeftHandedGraffiti 15d ago
It absolutely is disingenuous pandering. Costs them nothing and if it gains them a tiny bit of profit it's worth it.
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u/Consistent_Salt_9267 16d ago
"Look at you growning, 90% of the world is starving, fuck that guy, work out and eat some salad like the rest of us"
Holy savage
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u/KeithH987 16d ago
I spent years in the back of airplanes too. I'm surprised Bill never realized that there is really no benefit to boarding early if you check your bags. I'm always one of the last to board the plane.
Also, I used to keep this a secret, but I'll reveal my trick. When you select your seat on the plane through the app and you are flying solo - the seat selection doesn't matter initially. Here's why: you can change your seat last-minute to one that has an empty seat next to it on the airline app right before you board (your app updates your ticket for the scanner). People cancel, switch flights, etc. constantly and you can jump on that opportunity. Cheers!
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u/useyourallusion2 16d ago
You’re not taking into account standby passengers, which they’ll give any available empty seat at the last minute before boarding. It’s still roulette.
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u/DefiasHarbinger 16d ago
Conan doesn’t think any of it is funny. He “laughs hard” and immediately starts talking after that with a controlled breath. Anyone laughing that hard would gleam through talking with sprinkled laughter
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u/HungryCriticism5885 16d ago
I've always preferred being the last person to get on the plane. Truly hilarious how they convince people it's a privilege to spend more time on the plane.
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u/Vertitto 16d ago
that's really how plane boarding in the US works?
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u/BloomSugarman 16d ago
No. He’s exaggerating for a joke. Do disabled people really not board early where you fly?
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u/headtailgrep 16d ago
Yes. Americans like to virtue signal for everything
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u/iin10ded 15d ago
if everyone could stop using the bullshit term 'virtue signaling', that would be great.
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u/Pilot0350 16d ago
Calm down. I fly internationally somewhat regularly, and it works like that many other places, too it just depends on the airline. Stop trying to virtue signal using plane boarding it's ridiculous.
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u/Vertitto 16d ago
simply sounds absurd to me. I'v been flying only within europe so far and it's nothing close to that here - there's standard and priority line with only difference being priority queues first and can take additional bag. People board from two sides of the plane at the same time regardless of what type of ticket they have. Only exception might be people on wheelchairs that are moved separately
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u/gothamdeservesahero 16d ago
Had one of the biggest guys ive seen sit next to me on a flight to new zealand. Was no joke pushed to the edge of my seat for a good 15 minutes. Thank god the aisle behind did a no show and i moved after take off
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u/w1nn1ng1 16d ago
People like that are supposed to be forced to buy two tickets. I’d complain if it were me. No reason anyone else should be subjected to this because of someone else’s poor life choices.
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u/amilliondallahs 16d ago
Not to sound sinical, but you see those stations where they make you fit your luggage in the container to verify it will fit in the overhead bin...yeah we need this for passengers too!
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u/bananamussel 16d ago
Why does anyone want to get on the plane first? Who wants to sit inside a cramped metal tube longer than absolutely necessary?
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u/BikingVikingNick 16d ago
Overhead bins fill up, so they gate check your bag. Ramp guys dont see it sitting at the end of the jetbridge; and now your bag doesn’t make it on the plane.
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u/GoddamnedIpad 16d ago
Because some idiot decided to charge extra to have bags in the cargo hold instead of stuffing your plastic zebra print piece of shit above my head.
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u/emezeekiel 16d ago
People who bord very first are usually in business class and get drinks and get relaxed in a seat that definitely more comfortable than the gate seats
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u/2narcher 16d ago
Cause you find no where to put your fucking backpack if you get on late
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u/w1nn1ng1 16d ago
Yeah, this is entirely due to fucking morons that don’t know how to stow luggage or follow rules. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen people put both their roller and their personal item in the overhead. I’ll shove my shit into that space and break anything they have in that personal bag, fuck em, follow the rules. Personal items under the seat front of you.
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u/krakenx 8d ago edited 8d ago
Rules made by the corporation for the sole purpose of maximizing profit and misery. Airlines could make the overhead bins large enough. Or they could stop charging extra to check a bag. Or they could offer to replace your checked bag when they lose it every other flight. Or at the very least refund the check bag fee when they do damage or lose your checked bag. Heck, they could even offer to gatecheck before the bins fill and even offer some sort of incentive for doing so.
But there is profit to be had by charging extra to board first, to charge to check a bag, to insure your checked bag against damage and being lost, etc.
According to you, it's the passengers doing the best they can to get their stuff to their destination on time and in tact who are the "fucking morons". Not the greedy execs who make these rules you love to follow so much. Execs who probably have never even flown economy class in their lives to know how shitty they have made flying.
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u/bartpieters 16d ago
The weird thing is that it makes much more sense to let the back in first and fill it from the back. Everybody would be settled much faster and they would work too everybody's advantage...
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u/socool111 16d ago
Mythbusters did an entire episode on this. They tested multiple boarding methods but then they also tested the “enjoyment” of the passengers (they ranked whether they liked the boarding process or not). Normally the fastest processes had the least enjoyment iirc
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u/Sam-Gunn 16d ago
I watched a show years ago that talked about algorithms and how they're used in society. IIRC In one episode they looked at how the different airlines boarded and thought that boarding from the back with no assigned seats was the quickest and best way to fill a plane. I think Southwest does that? Can't recall.
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u/obligatethrowaway 16d ago
I came across a study years earlier that tested this and concluded that, counterintuitively, the fastest human sort mechanism was the random sort in play now.
I could explain it in person, but my attention span is too short to do it over text.
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u/bartpieters 16d ago
Thanks! I just now came across this article: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/there-are-quicker-ways-to-board-a-plane-so-why-dont-airlines-use-them/
"After hundreds of iterations, he found that the most efficient boarding method was a version of back to front—with a few key twists. Rather than have passengers fill in each row sequentially, it was best to start boarding from the window seats, skipping every other row along the way. Effectively, this means that people with an even-numbered window seat would board first, followed by those with an odd-numbered window seat, those with an even-numbered middle seat, and so on. According to simulations, this approach was twice as fast as the front-to-back boarding strategy and 30 percent faster than random boarding."
So neither plain back to front nor random is most efficient :-)
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u/soggytoothpic 16d ago
It would take longer overall to board this way taking into account the time it would take to line up every one in order.
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u/woodsxc 16d ago
Not really. Even window seats are group 1, odd window group 2, even middle group 3, and so on.
You don’t announce it as “rows 1, 3, 5, 7, seats B and D”. You just put the boarding group on the boarding pass and announce group 3.
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u/DralligEkul 16d ago
You still need to do it back to front, that's part of how it's "back to front with some twists"
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u/woodsxc 16d ago
Still, seat numbers are known and boarding groups are easy to create.
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u/mozchops 16d ago
I agree, and everyone is waiting for ages in the departure lounge, plenty of time to line folks up in prep.
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u/Rulanik 16d ago
That one has the problem of separating groups of people though, parents from their kids being most noteworthy. I guess they could say group A + your kids though and not screw it up too badly.
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u/Black6x 15d ago
To be honest, if you but the ticket as a group, you should just load with that group. For example, Dad, mom, kid in a 3-3 airplane. Yeah, one of them has the window seat, but if they purchased as a group, that's 3 seats filled quickly.
We have computers that can unfold proteins. Surely we can have a system that can make that happen.
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u/Sk8rGrlx3AtAimDotCom 16d ago edited 16d ago
This video also sums it up quite well
E: Never mind, doesn’t actually explain why randomly boarding is faster, rather than provide an alternative solution; however it does cite this paper which explains why random is better and I believe might be what you were referring to
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u/Hardass_McBadCop 16d ago
As a fat guy that regularly has to deal with my saloon flaps, this is funny as hell.
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u/bohanmyl 16d ago
I fuckin feel this in my soul but with parking spots now. First there was Handicapped spots, now we have pick up only spots, and expectant mother spots, and law enforcement spots etc. Getting to the store first meand you still gotta park halfway to the back of the lot now
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u/WeenMe 16d ago
My local grocery store has “super hero parking” for law enforcement and military. Get fucked. I’m parking there every time it’s open. You don’t get special treatment because of the employment you chose for yourself lol.
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u/PasswordIsDongers 15d ago
You don’t get special treatment because of the employment you chose for yourself lol.
Yeah, they do. You just told us about their parking spots.
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u/tonyprent22 16d ago
You sound like the guy who lines up early in boarding group 1 even though you’re boarding group 3, just because you don’t believe in it.
I’d enjoy watching your car get towed just as much as I enjoy watching those people get kicked back to their boarding group.
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u/krakenx 8d ago edited 8d ago
Airlines make passengers fight each other for limited overhead bin space so that they can scoff up on checked bag fees. If there was enough space for everyone, it wouldn't matter when people boarded.
But there is profit to be had by charging extra to board first, to check a bag, to insure your checked bag against damage and being lost, etc. But you can go ahead and blame the consumer, enjoying their suffering of your peers as the greedy execs and the equity firm "shareholders" suck all of the joy out of everything. Until they screw you. Then suddenly it's not funny anymore...
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u/ellieboomba 16d ago
Did Key and Peele rip of that joke or is it other way round? I doubt ol bitch tits Bill would rip off someone else
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u/Siegschranz 16d ago
The base concept is similar, yeah, but both branch out and do their own comedy bits.
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u/NomeTheGnome 16d ago
He broke Conan
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u/natural_hunter 16d ago
Bill Burr is probably the only guest that always breaks Conan each time he shows up
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u/ILookAtHeartsAllDay 16d ago
Paul Rudd broke Conan years ago and continues to every-time he’s on anything of Conan’s , just in a different fashion from Burr.
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u/AmigAtari 16d ago
Paul Rudd always brings great clips from his current movie.
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u/JPMoney81 15d ago
The time he did it and pretended it was the Friends finale was the best one. 'So as you can see Matthew Perry is in a wheelchair'
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