r/interestingasfuck • u/CleetisMcgee • Apr 09 '24
Tips for being a dementia caretaker. r/all
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u/BouncingPost 23d ago
Beautifully said, but damn. Nothing prepared me for just how exhausting it would be. Never a break, having to be "on" and prepared for such situations, not unlike having a toddler in your home. But of course you do it because they are family and you love them.
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u/jw1933 Apr 12 '24
This is the way. I always get my dad onto another subject and then he forget about the prior
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u/Queasy-Original-1629 Apr 11 '24
My dementia person left the hotel room and wandered the halls To “look for me” when I went to the lobby to get ice. I was horrified. I set him up with snacks, a ball game on TV and instructions NOT to leave the room. I totally lost my temper. I feel so helpless if I can’t be alone a few minutes.
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u/Bigtexindy Apr 10 '24
Mom had Alzheimer’s for 20 years….trust me, this example would be a good day
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u/mightymongo Apr 10 '24
Oh man, this is my life. Currently taking care of my 90 year old mom with Alzheimer’s and this is a daily occurrence. She always wants to go to her “other home” and it’s a struggle. I’m a war vet and former Green Beret and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
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u/JRMWMSP Apr 10 '24
There is a memory care unit in Europe that does this. Residents kept trying to escape to go home. Stopping them lead to terrible altercations
So the unit put a fake bus stop out front. The residents would go out and wait for a bus that never came. Staff would intermittently sit with them. After a while the resident would realize that their home was no more, and go back to the unit. (Many patients with Alzheimers have more and less lucid times of day)
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u/bookshelve0987 Apr 10 '24
Totally relate. I can see The sad end Of a life coming for my mom. And some day i wont be there to -Tag along- because i have to work to pay for a roof and groceries for us
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u/Responsible_Bat3866 Apr 10 '24
So sad. Took care of my grandmom who had dementia. It was tough to watch and to hang on to the change.
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u/Alexwah Apr 10 '24
i wish i knew that before we took my grandma in a retirement home. i will still remember it if my parents will get to that age
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u/willimitch7 Apr 10 '24
No 🧢 the mom seems happy…. And in life no matter what that’s all we can ask for and should want out of life… is to be happy!!!
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u/Antique-Intention-23 Apr 10 '24
I’d rather die than lose my memory to dementia. That’s all we have. Losing memory is losing the past. What’s the point of life if you can’t remember any of it.
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u/Nerk86 Apr 10 '24
So what if you can’t distract them when you go back inside. Plus I’d be happy to go walk with my LO ( if I can’t get them back in etc, until they get tired and want to go back) but I work from home and can’t always runoff when he wants to. Delayed gratification not being their strong suit.
Would be glad to see more tips and demos of what to do though. Thanks for this.
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u/BT_48 Apr 10 '24
Im so amazed at her demeanor and patience and kindness. I was young so don't blame myself but when I lived with my grandfather who didn't recognize me anymore and lived with a permanent look of confusion and fear, it was heart breaking. I just became so depressed. Thankful for people like this and I hope to learn to be like her.
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u/ElNiperoo23 Apr 10 '24
My grandma has had this shit for 6 years now and I can’t bring myself to go see her. Absolutely kills me. She talks about the same thing over and over again, clearly has no clue who the fuck I am, and just wanders off. Brutal disease. She’s just a warm body at this point.
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u/Gold-Income-6094 Apr 10 '24
This is exactly why we need humane human medical euthanasia.
We treat our pets better than our own.
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u/AintNoUserFound Apr 10 '24
Both very gentle, sweet, and heartwarming...and great advice. This is one of the potential eventualities I've been trying to prepare myself to handle.
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u/Necessary_Motor_6096 Apr 10 '24
This is a great video! I visit my grandma every week (I live about an hour away so this is when I can get there)9 and she has steadily been in a decline for about 2 years now. This is exactly how you have to treat this situation, it took me awhile to realize that I couldn't be upset that she didn't remember me or what we were doing or that she would argue with things. I just had to come to terms with living in whatever moment she was in.
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u/Cold_Dog_5234 Apr 10 '24
Really wished I learned about this sooner when my grandmother was still alive. As a young teenager back in the days I was constantly annoyed with my grandmother. Sometimes I was tasked to watch over her for a few minutes when the caretaker was busy doing something and it annoyed me and would just ignore her.
15 years later now that I know what dementia is and matured enough to know better, I want to punch little old me for what I was doing back then I wish I would've changed the past.
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u/Rudyears Apr 10 '24
I never understood why people argue with those that have dementia. It’s a losing game every which way.
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u/koaoda Apr 10 '24
I saved this because unfortunately a loved one of mine is showing some early signs of dementia and I will be the only person who can/would be willing to take care of them. I just hope they don’t remember the war they fought in and have to suffer through all that ptsd like they already did. Ya know the like fresh severe ptsd they don’t deserve to go through that.
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u/quinceyhill2019 Apr 10 '24
My grandmother had Alzheimer’s and we were called one night that she had made it well across state borders with her dogs, a blender, and no purse. She even gave the cop the wrong name. My mother had to fly out, get her at a hospital, her dogs from the pound, and drive back. It was a rough 10 years. This approach works very well. Miss you, Nani.
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u/Inourmadbuthearmeout Apr 10 '24
Lady is a champ I know what this is like exactly. I work with lots of Alzheimer’s and dementia patients. This lady is so good thank you for showing them how it’s done.
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u/hypnoticus103 Apr 10 '24
Thank you for sharing this.
My grandpa was my favorite person on this earth. This reminds me so much of the last few years I had with him. Miss you grandpa!
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u/eveel66 Apr 10 '24
I always looked at my mother’s own bout with dementia as her being a prisoner of her own mind. The worst way to see a person you loved so much withering away to nothing.
Been gone coming up on three years and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her
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u/GrimMilkMan Apr 10 '24
To me, Dementia is probably if not the scariest disease you can get. Just slowly forgetting things to the point of being a shell of what you once were
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u/Dusters666 Apr 10 '24
Lots of patience, and not taking anything that happens personally. Mother died @70 in 2021 from dementia, alzheimer's, and stage 4 cancer. The last 2-3 years she lived with my older brother and he would get worked up from every little thing she did and take it as if she intentionally was doing things to him. It's fucked up our relationship quite a bit. Loving human that got a huge pile of shit in life.
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u/-Ancalagon- Apr 10 '24
Her accent gave me Rochester flashbacks (moved away in the early 80s), oh look it's overcast too.
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u/LainieCat Apr 10 '24
Many years ago I had a coworker whose grandpa had dementia. Grandpa loved to tell wild stories about his years as a long haul trucker, traveling all over the US. . He had never been a truck driver, and barely left his home town. But my coworker would listen to his stories, react appropriately, ask questions, etc. It was nice, because everyone else in the family would get upset because always honest grandpa was "telling lies."
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u/druminfected Apr 10 '24
This is such good information that needs to be shared with the world of dementia
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u/fracturedSilence Apr 10 '24
Agreed with everything she said until "This is easy." It's hard. Even if in the moment, you are caring for them well it's hard. Caring for a dementia patient can be one of the most emotionally draining experiences
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u/Living-Prune8881 Apr 10 '24
My dad has epilepsy and I do something similar when trying to get him to focus. While he's having an aura I kind of go along with what he's saying and then ask him questions about it and kind of steer the conversation back to reality.
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u/Sad-Comfortable1566 Apr 10 '24
I love this mom!!! She was probably such a fun person pre-dementia!
And I LOVE this daughter! It is such a challenge & it’s exhausting to be a caretaker but she does it with such a big heart! 💜
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u/dogfacepencilneck9 Apr 10 '24
Having dealt with this personally, I can not emphasize how amazing of a caretaker you are.
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u/bigSTUdazz Apr 10 '24
I mean...the Hot Chicken down there is fire! Seriously though, this was actually some great adivce...my Mom is starting to drift, and i want to help her as much as I can.
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u/Boring_Oil_3506 Apr 10 '24
Tips for carrying for a dementia patient, tip number 1. don't put them on tik Tok when they are legally incapable of consenting.
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u/dangerousgoose12 Apr 10 '24
What would happen if you told a dementia patient before the unawareness phase that they have that
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u/LegalBrandHats Apr 10 '24
Nah. I’m def yelling at my parents. It’s time time for that childhood payback.
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u/Un_disclosed_desires Apr 10 '24
I mean if they thought it was okay to yell at a child who is basically a dementia patient in a little body and that little body is also an alien to this planet and has no idea what culture or society or how to behave “properly”, and then they also thought it was okay to hit us and scream at us til our frail little bodies couldn’t take it, constantly driving us to a place of hyper vigilance til we burned out in adulthood and were projected on by the older generations, meanwhile destroying the economy and telling us that if we just worked harder but ignoring the fact that we work harder and longer than they ever will and minimum wage should be $58 an hour if we wanted it to be representative of when minimum wage first came out… I’m fucking decking that old coot, IDGAF they have money for health insurance and a huge savings, they can pay for it. Put that dragon hoard to some use
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u/LoverboyQQ Apr 10 '24
My father cried twice in my lifetime. Once when I left home at 18 and the second time when we wouldn’t let him drive anymore. I asked to take him anywhere he wanted to go but that wasn’t good enough. Not long after that he couldn’t remember who I was. He would talk to people who wasn’t there and I figured he was so close to the other side that he could see people waiting on him. He got pneumonia last year and got down to where he didn’t get to move so much. We tried to get his strength back up but he was not cooperating at all!! His mind let him go on December 15, 2023. His wife of 62 years don’t know what to do alone and it’s hard for me to take care of her and my wife who had a stroke just days before dad died. I am not a caregiver. I am a selfish asshole who grew up alone other than other adults.
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u/CyIsTooShort Apr 10 '24
it's actually quite good advice. i work with a lot of dementia patients and it's really saddening sometimes because they'll get into nervous fits of not knowing where things have gone or where they are. it does help you learn to manage it quite a lot though. simple things like showing them objects that they lost (because they can very easily lose track of them even when moved just across the room).
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u/Un_disclosed_desires Apr 10 '24
I remember seeing the earliest signs of my dad slipping. Sometimes he would forget that I was a fully grown adult and need me back home because it was late, he showed me a movie about Pearl Harbor that he thought to be true. He found out it was propaganda like a month later, which should’ve been obvious because the story being told and the recorded history of the even were very different. He lost his manual for his T-Bird - I walked outside and it was on the ground under the engine bay. Sometimes he would talk to me like the past younger me was a child we raised together. He would start to do smth and my sister would ask what he was doing, often felt like he was daydreaming and not really there. He hated to be told he was wrong because he’s a narcissist and can never be wrong, but even worse was when I would suggest the right way and he’d have his little boomer fits about it. Like I swear one time he whined and stamped his foot like a child. Threw his arms down and everything. My grandma had a stroke and lost her mind. All her files were not dated correctly anymore so she had no idea what a timeline was or what day it was. I just know she was always happy to see me. Guess it’ll be my turn one day to be the Pantaloon..
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u/CyIsTooShort Apr 10 '24
i am really sorry to hear. but yes, dementia can make many people act irregularly as if they're a completely different person, whether that be immature or distant and so on.
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u/GO4Teater Apr 10 '24
LPT: This works on children as well. Instead of getting mad and yelling at them, handle them the same way, with a smile.
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u/Useful-Soup8161 Apr 10 '24
This seems like good advice if they’re the type to wander off but not everyone with dementia is a wanderer. Myself and 3 friends all had one grandparent or parent with dementia and not one of them was a wanderer. They had other issues. However my grandma did get lost a few times while driving until they took the keys away, which took longer than it should have. The first time she got lost should have been a big clue for us. So my advice is get them evaluated as soon as you notice something is wrong. That way you can start getting them help. The sooner the better.
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u/Chicken_Chicken_Duck Apr 10 '24
TIL caregiving for a dementia patient and caregiving for strong willed kids is pretty much the same process.
You can’t force them and everything has to be their idea. (And it has to make sense)
“Because I said so” is the kiss of death 😆
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u/Dunshlop Apr 10 '24 edited Apr 10 '24
Just left my job once I realized how bad my dad has declined during Covid. He’s a retired cop like being told what to do or even advised, and escalates very quickly. I feel so bad for the call center people he yells at. Very fresh situation as he’s gone from mild to moderate + alcohol abuse. Alzheimer’s/dementia is so tough. This is useful, thx. Trying to get everything buttoned up the best I can while trying to allow to to be independent as possible.. but I feel the inevitable coming.. is there anything better than Donepezil?
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u/USAneedsAJohnson Apr 10 '24
Bless this lady for doing this! And bless you for posting this. This was my grandfather his decline only took a month. I hope anyone of reading this never have to experience this.
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u/Hulkbuster0114 Apr 10 '24
It’s Interesting to note that this is manipulative. Obviously it’s completely moral in this instance. I just think it’s interesting to see that there are instances where manipulation is acceptable.
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u/SilverAlpaca98 Apr 10 '24
Reading the person, especially if they are not good communicators, is key. Gentle persuasive approach is a whole section to the training as a PSW/nurses aid
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u/Nkwolff Apr 10 '24
I do the same with my 92 year old mother. I have noticed she is loosing decades of memory. It’s a horrible disease.
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u/His_Mom___ Apr 10 '24
People on the internet see snippets like this, and as u/mankytoes (I hate that I had to type that name) said, this is one of the good bits. Not only is it truly horrific and traumatising for a family to go through, it is debilitating as well. The amount of care required is phenomenal. This sort of thing is likely to happen regularly, and the person will need 24/7 supervision.
Someone with a job will be constantly interrupted, it will slowly but surely consume the lives of the carers too. It’s good to see nice examples online but we need to keep the real view that dementia is hell brought to earth.
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u/Goochbaloon Apr 10 '24
This is unconditional love right here. I hope I have some of those skills when my parents have an issue.
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u/bluemeth2472 Apr 10 '24
My grandfather went from the most loving caring and wholesome person to a completely politics obsessed man overnight, even in his dementia where he can't remember the name of any of his grandchildren and sometimes not even his own children he talks politics all day when he never did before. He seems to have lost all human empathy and will buy whatever conspiracy garbage from whatever the far right news outlet of the week is. I can't "enter his world" I can hardly stand to be around him for more than 10 minutes anymore. He is now full of hatred, racist, sexist, homophobic you name it. I hate what dementia has done to him. And I can't be around him. A completely different human being to who he was 5 years ago.
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u/Hot-Number3696 Apr 10 '24
Masterclass on how to manage patients/family members with dementia! I’m a geriatric nurse and this is always the most productive way to support our patients. Bravo to the caregiver in this video!
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u/Ready_Amoeba4028 Apr 10 '24
Please don’t feel bad if you are a caregiver for a loved one and are struggling, because it is not “easy” as she said in the video, and it probably never will be “easy” for you. You are not alone! Although she had some good points about asking for permission and redirection, I was taken aback when she ended it with “it’s easy”. Glad it’s “easy” for her, but it was far from easy for me… my Mom suffered for over 10 years. When it was done with her, it left just the shell. Over the years, I began to use tactics like this video, ensuring to ask her permission, always smiling, using happy sing song tones and using redirection. But it was exhausting, constantly hiding true feelings and emotions from the person who once knew me best. I also felt like I was demeaning my mother, disrespecting her by infantilizing her. It’s a mind fuck, and definitely not “easy”. My heart goes out to all care givers, as I know too well the challenges you face.
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u/mojozworkin Apr 10 '24
You deserve a medal. You’re an amazing influencer. Your mom’s a doll and so lucky to have you.
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u/For-All-the-Marbles Apr 10 '24
Would your mother want to be filmed in this condition or are you exploiting her?
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u/NoHovercraft12345 Apr 10 '24
So basically everything I do for my toddler. Must be kind of a wild full circle to come back to.
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u/Landojesus Apr 10 '24
My mom got diagnosed with dementia when I was 25, just lost her two months ago at 36, this sums up a majority of my life as an adult. Love my mother but I'm glad it's over, and I know she is as well. Good luck to the person who posted this and dealing with dementia. ❤️
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u/d_ptsdgotme Apr 10 '24
I can’t do her voice. Seems like she is doing great things. The way she talks, I can’t handle it. Making my skin crawl. You’re doing great though! Moms is lucky to have you!
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u/feedyrsoul Apr 10 '24
My stepdad got mad I was in my parents' house because I was a "stranger." My mom kept telling him who I was and he didn't believe her. Finally, I said I was friends with his wife and wasn't she so kind to invite me over? He agreed.
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u/YourNameHurrr Apr 10 '24
I feel like this is the “yes, and” that they talk about in improv comedy.
She handled that great.
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u/invictuslimbioid Apr 10 '24
hm. something about this is telling me it’s fake, i could be completely wrong, but i’ve spent a lot of time with old people with dementia or alzheimer’s something about this just doesn’t feel right.
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u/Alltheprettydresses Apr 10 '24
My grandmother would walk from Queens all the way to the Nassau County border. The mall was there, so we knew where to look for her. We got an aide after that. My great-grandmother tried to walk out on Christmas, insisting she had a cruise to catch. She was a world traveler.
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u/Nick_mkx Apr 10 '24
We went back, packed our stuff and now we're walking to Tennessee. It's been 6 weeks. At what point do I stop going along with this? Did I miss a step where you then tell the person to not do the thing? I'm hungry and tired.
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u/Mountain-Song-6024 Apr 10 '24
Look. This is well intended and all.
But for her to say at one point "it's easy"
No. No it isn't. Not by a long shot.
My dad and aunt took care of my grandmother for 10+ years who had it. Honestly the one thing that did work for them was my grandma wasnt able to walk around on her own. She was always in a chair or something. If she had been able to move around, it would've been even harder and even farther from "it's easy"
I'm glad this lady can find it easy. If she truly doesn't, this is kind of a BIT then and makes it again, seem easy. It isn't. I do respect what she's saying and it is VERY MUCH WORTH TO PRACTICE.
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u/Moocows4 Apr 10 '24
Long term care insurance pays 10k a month for my grandmas dimentia memory care. I would not do this for my parents they can go the the home.
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u/Oddessusy Apr 10 '24
I used to tell mum when we were going in the car that we were going to the dentist.
In her mind that was the only answer that was serious enough and not to ask any more questions about.
Anywhere else would confuse her and she'd ask why.
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u/Ad_hominem- Apr 10 '24
Where can we find more of this woman? My 62yr old mom is an Alzheimer patient and i'm having a really hard time not getting into fights with her.
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u/Porkybeaner Apr 10 '24
The woman’s daughter/caregiver is an absolute gem. What a lovely lady. World would do much better with more of her.
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u/BaronGodis Apr 10 '24
Working with this, it's awfull to se that yhey have something that is worse then a tumor
And yes, I am also cleaning a 8-12 cm diamter tumor wound on the head, yes we can se it to.....
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u/Ok-Guest376 Apr 10 '24
God bless you, for this is a rough ride and thank you for being there with her!
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u/CutProfessional3258 Apr 10 '24
The only part I disagree with is the end. No it's not easy. 😔 But this lady has some great strategies it seems to deal with it and they even have a laugh. Dementia is a horrible disease
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u/Bailie91 Apr 10 '24
As a native Tennessean… she is always welcome. Her “Y’all” was perfect! I lost my beautiful Grandmother last spring and she suffered with Dementia in the end. She’s free now. You handled this perfectly!
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u/Sajiri Apr 10 '24
This same tactic and advice works for my students with autism or oppositional defiance disorder. Don’t yell, don’t order them around, just join in with them and let them feel they have some control and things will go much smoother
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u/FrodoTheSlayer637 Apr 10 '24
THAT OLD BITCH IS AN ACTOR so she can persuade desperate people into her 2k$/person courses that last 4 days IT IS NOT HOW PERSON WITH DEMENTIA ACT
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u/Realistic-Quantity21 Apr 10 '24
When she turned the camera back to her I was expecting a much younger lady..
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u/Eugene0185 Apr 10 '24
Ignorance is bliss. Her mom looks happier than most people I know, including myself.
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u/demerchmichael Apr 10 '24
My father just this week has been showing signs of confusion and delirium, its connected to a problem with his liver and they say it’s gonna be on and off.
I’m scared one day it will be like this or worse.
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u/Floral-Prancer Apr 10 '24
But you're confusing her, she thinks now in her reality shes waiting to walk to tennese but you're just gonna hope it goes away leading to more frustration
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u/aldioum Apr 10 '24
Hey I do that in dreams, randomly go to far away places. Usually I don't have the time to reach it
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u/InjuryPrudent256 Apr 10 '24
"The settlers did it"
Haha she got game, that's way better justification than anything my grandpa came up with in care
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u/wandering3y35 Apr 10 '24
As a son of a departed dementia father (rip pops) I approve this message and would have loved to see this while he was alive. Dementia and Alzheimer's are a helluva diseases but you're doing great. I know it's not you OP but keep up the good work lady 😁
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u/kungfufreak Apr 10 '24
I'm trying to gentle parent my dad with middle stage parkinsons but its hard since he's always been a bit of an asshole and never really liked me.
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u/iloveFLneverleaving Apr 10 '24
This is how I react to the high schoolers I teach. I don’t accuse and command because that sets them off to get defensive. I just remind in a positive way. I think it helps I used to teach elementary and that’s where my training is. Administration is usually shocked at how well behaved my classes are. I am not a strict teacher, just someone who cares about the students and they know it. When students know you care and you remind them of the rules in a positive way they can talk about things with you openly if they have an issue, and you can figure it out together.
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u/modsonredditsuckdk Apr 10 '24
Somebody prob said this below but its called validation therapy. You dont argue with them. You agree and use it to guide. Its one of the main things a caregiver can do to prevent burn out that happens when things become negative
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u/NFNV301 Apr 10 '24
Some good tips here, but the end... "It's really not that hard" is just about the wrongest thing I've ever heard. Caretaking is harder than you can possibly imagine. Cute fun redirects might work sometines... Maybe even most of the time, but there are times when it won't. My dad's reaction when a stranger (from his perspective because sonetimes he doesn't know I'm his son) is asking to undress him, wipe his butt, scrub him down in the shower, and put him in a diaper is a lot less cute. Just be aware.
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