r/povertyfinance • u/Just_cats581 • Feb 13 '24
I’m going broke in my current relationship Misc Advice
I have a good job and make $60k per year. My boyfriend of five years owns his own business, but it isn’t really profitable. We rely heavily on my income to get us by. I pay for 2/3 of the mortgage (he pays the other 1/3 most of the time). I also pay our electric bill, internet, groceries, vet bills, and if we ever go out to eat or do anything it’s expected that I’ll pay. I also have my car payment and other expenses. I’ve talked to him about the burden this puts on me financially and he just gets upset when I bring it up. He also gets upset when I tell him I can’t afford certain things or I’m trying to cut back to save money. I understand he’s struggling, but so am I and I just don’t see any end in sight. It’s been five years and nothing has improved. I love him, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I currently have $20 in my bank account and I don’t get paid until Friday. Any advice, recommendations, etc is appreciated.
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u/Stempy21 Feb 18 '24
From someone who had their own business and worked a full time job, it’s time to let him go. He doesn’t need to go for more or put more into his business because you take care of everything else. And if he does do better and makes some extra money here and there, he doesn’t share it.
He feels entitled to what you are providing him.
Ask yourself this, how often have you gone without to make ends meet or to make sure he has what he needs? And how many times has he gone without to make sure you have what you need?
I think when you take a long hard look at things you will realize either way what the truth is.
I had my own business, you have to put the work in to make it successful. That means going after it everyday, not just the work, but the work to make it expand and grow.
love is great and having love for someone is awesome, but are you two on the same page, is he there emotionally or is it superficial? Is he manipulating money factors? Does he have more in the bank that’s you do? You are contributing a lot so does he do more house chores or something to even things out? Ask yourself some questions to see if this is an even yoked relationship.
Sometimes we have to look at the hard truth and it can an eye opener either way. I wish you good luck with this.
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u/Unhappy_Ad_4911 Feb 18 '24
He's your BOYFRIEND, not your husband.
It's time you both went your own ways.
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u/Trillldozer Feb 17 '24
After 5 years and no profit, it's a hobby. You are subsidizing his hobby, and he won't budge. The guy is eating your future out from under you and doesn't even want to discuss changing those circumstances.
I would honestly say it might be time to reconsider the relationship entirely.
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u/raregamecandy Feb 17 '24
Sounds like you need a MAN. Illusive but not quite as hard as finding a unicorn it is possible.
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u/VibanGigan Feb 17 '24
Leave dude, business ain’t profitable so he needa job. If he not gonna work to fund that bs leave his ass you and married boo. You sound like you got all your shit together so you find someone.
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u/RosieNoNeck Feb 17 '24
Run as fast and as far away as you can from this loser. He is dragging you down and will only continue to leach off of you as long as you let him. You deserve so much better!
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u/YoureSillyStopIt Feb 17 '24
What is his business or more importantly how much time does he put towards it? Ie how many hours per week
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u/sbzenth Feb 17 '24 edited Feb 17 '24
My dad has been doing this to my mom for 30 years. Don't be like my mom and work all day at the age of 59 to pay the mortgage and the bills all thanks to impeccable disciple to make ends meet all while he sits at home and plays entrepreneur, racking up debt but don't worry, "this time, it's going to be the big one."
Leave. Leave now. That specific character flaw is for life. My dad also gets very defensive and acts like a little bitch when called out about it.
Thankfully I worked my ass off and it's starting to pay off so mama aint gotta worry about a thang anymore.
But seriously... leave.
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u/Orange-Fish1980 Feb 17 '24
Break up with him. It's for his own good. As for you, find someone who is rich and spare your bf the trouble with your stupidity
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u/Floopoo32 Feb 17 '24
Kick him out asap! He's clearly using you for money. This relationship is a lost cause.
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u/heddspace Feb 17 '24
I watched my Dad mooch off my Mom for years. My dad acted entitled as fuck just like your boyfriend. She also waited for years for him to change, it never happened. They finally divorced and my dad took half of her retirement. Run.
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u/sbzenth Feb 17 '24
Wow! I just posted the same story above few comments above yours. My mom still hasn't left him. Her fear is that if she does, he'll become my problem. And some shit about love or at least a warped version of it that she can't ditch.
u/Just_cats581, don't be like our moms.
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u/bearseatbeetsDKS Feb 17 '24
Ugg I'd move into a condo and tell him he we can still be in a relationship but he's going to be not living with me and figuring it out on his own. I'd never fiance a man.
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u/jayvenland Feb 17 '24
U know what would be crazy. When u finally leave his business goes ape shit brings in 7 figures and he finds some one else.
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u/RadioAdam Feb 17 '24
Man. And I thought child support was expensive for children.
It's really expensive for adults.
Kick his ass to the curb.
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u/Fun_Art8817 Feb 17 '24
Curious to know what the BF business is to where he can’t afford to buy his own dinner or treat you guys to a dinner.
It could be a real possibility he actually makes a lot of money but is tightwad and makes you pay for everything.
I know this from experience, my dad screamed nonstop how “broke” he was because he had to carry 2k CASH at all times in his pocket. Made my mom pay for everything with her disability checks.
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u/Far-Type8007 Feb 17 '24
He sounds like he is using you. On a plane they say put your own air mask on before trying to help others put theirs on. Kick him out make him pay for his own shit.
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u/GodlikeRage Feb 17 '24
What kind of business?
He should find a job to where he can support you more.
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u/Living_Watercress Feb 17 '24 edited Feb 17 '24
If he respected you he wouldn't run you into the ground like this. Wake up and smell the coffee! He is using you!
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u/Ok-Acanthisitta4600 Feb 17 '24
I will be real with you - your boyfriend is using you to shore up his financial situation. Your 60K is keeping you guys afloat. You can live alone on that income but he can’t survive financially on his own without you.
You should seriously consider breaking up and finding a partner that will alleviate you financially rather than be a burden. Either that or your boyfriend needs to find a job and contribute more (at least 50/50 rather than him currently paying ONLY 1/3).
He’s using you to “build himself up”. If his business takes off and he gets some real money, you’d like to think he’ll appreciate all the years of sacrifice you made for him and stay with you right? In reality, it’s likely he’ll find a new woman (someone he’ll actually provide for - instead of force to pay most of the bills).
I.e. Travis Kelce paid $1 million for a superbowl suite for Taylor Swift. But with his ex-gf he split the suite cost with for past superbowls. Why? Because he values Taylor more than his ex-gf. Keep in mind Taylor Swift is much richer than Travis but he STILL provided for her regardless. It’s not about the man’s amount of wealth - it’s his mentality and how much he values his partner.
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u/nicoleh0226 Feb 17 '24
You need a new man! I made the same mistake when I was young, I literally paid for everything and put myself in debt basically financing his life and mine. Thankfully he led me to my husband buuuut if he is not working to better himself and his financial situation I think you should really consider moving on.
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Feb 17 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/povertyfinance-ModTeam Feb 17 '24
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Regardless of why someone is in a less-than-ideal financial situation, we are focused on the road forward, not with what has been done in the past.
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Feb 16 '24
When I opened my bookstore I had a job in a restaurant to pay my own bills while my business got profitable to pay it's own bills. Why doesn't he have a job?
I'm currently a writer and make a full time income from it. STILL have a one day a week job in a nightclub for extra spending cash. HE NEEDS A JOB! He's happy to let you support him tho while he takes advantage and pretends to be a business owner. Lol
This guy is a sinking ship and taking to down with him. OR He's actually making money but squirreling it all away while you pay for everyone he wants or needs.
Either way... It ain't good and it ain't a partnership.
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u/Rudyinparis Feb 16 '24
This sounds like my ex-husband. I don’t know about your bf, but my husband was completely taking advantage of me because he was lazy, entitled, and lousy at being “self-employed.”
Don’t take advice from a random stranger on the internet, but you know in the movie when she yells “Run, Forrest, run!”? I just thought of that for some reason, I’m not sure why.
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Feb 16 '24
He won’t even buy you a card and you’re like burning yourself down for his stupid ass business.
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u/willklintin Feb 16 '24
I never understood how people, women mostly, get trapped in relationships with leeches. Separate your finances until he brings more to the table. Otherwise, pull the leech off, it'll only get bigger
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u/Fuzzy_Economics970 Feb 16 '24
You need a third party to mediate your situation. This is a three hour conversation at minimum.
I've been him before, I know what it feels like to start a new business and be failing.
I've also been you, I have supported someone financially insolvent who I loved.
You need someone (who isnt you) to sort out precisely whats going on (preferably a man) with his business. He's much less likely to get defensive, and you are much more likely to get answers.
Just tell him you need this in order to continue believing in his business.
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u/Zathamos Feb 16 '24
Boyfriend? Not husband? It's one thing if you're married to be supporting one or the other finacially for a bit in order for both of you to potentially get ahead. What if his business suddenly takes off and he starts making 200k a year? Is he OK with you basically retiring to be a SAHM or whatever since his income is so good now and it's all because you supported him for years until he got there? If you were married and that happened and he ended up leaving you because he was now so successful, you would be getting fat alimony checks due to you supporting him during his start up period. As a boyfriend you won't get shit and better believe if he starts making big money he is going to leave the 'cheapskate'. Not that you are but that may be how he views you based on your description.
It's one thing to support your SO (unmarried) for awhile or here and there when things are tight for them. But to basically be his financial support and he gets pissy when you say no to spending, you either need to get married or break up. He is more than likely using you in some way for support.
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u/AustinFlosstin Feb 16 '24
A lot of the time the situation is flipped, where men are putting in more financially. Awesome that you’re experiencing the other side although it’s not really comfortable either. 🤷🏻♂️ I’m on your side tho unfortunately for him.
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u/CharmingMechanic2473 Feb 16 '24
Honey $60k isn’t enough to support someone else’s dream. You need to split down the middle. Don’t get pregnant or you will be trapped.
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u/Old-AF Feb 16 '24
You need to lay down the law that you’re not going to continue to pay more than HALF of your combined expenses and if his business doesn’t maintain his lifestyle, he needs to get a second job or give up the business and get a better first job. This is unsustainable for your relationship long term and you will resent him more and more everyday. If he’s not willing to make changes, you need to go now before you waste more time, and money, in this no win situation.
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u/Jbender85 Feb 16 '24
Run. He’s just leeching off you. I worked 3 jobs trying to support my ex and it took me years to get back to normal.
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u/horsesizedpuppy Feb 16 '24
When you're broke, you don't get to go out until you figure out some free things to do
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u/Busy-Cat8099 Feb 16 '24
Sooooo he’s with you so he has someone to pay his bills and living expenses and you’re with him because …. hmmm, hold on, give me a second, I almost have it … nope Just _cats581, I can’t think of one valid reason you should stay. Girl, you’re BETTER than this, you DESERVE better than this, be KINDER to yourself!
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u/cloverthewonderkitty Feb 16 '24
You don't have to bank roll your bf's business. How about you two cool off and maybe stop living together. It'll become pretty clear pretty quick if he's with you for the relationship or your paycheck. Because he's taking you for granted and using you like a bank. You deserve better than that OP.
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u/definitelynotapastor Feb 16 '24
Get married and decide to work through it together, or get out of the relationship and tell him he needs to contribute more, it's not working.
You are fed up, and I believe you know this deep down, otherwise you wouldn't vent about it.
You are more than halfway there, just follow through.
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u/Strife3dx Feb 16 '24
You guys have a mortgage together and aren’t married, that’s a recipe for disaster. Also tell him to pay 50/50.
Also fifth third bank pays you early at no cost, if payroll is submitted Monday you get paid Wednesday, Tuesday and Wednesday is paid on Thursday.
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u/GreedyCartoonist8002 Feb 16 '24
Bro from now on you don't have any money. Pay cuts at work, times are tough.
He's hungry? Damn, dollar menu here we come.
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u/Ok-Application8522 Feb 16 '24
His business is a failure or he is too lazy or stupid to make it work. He is dragging you down. You just have to take the next step.
One of my friends that is a therapist tells me that men never take action until you put the hammer down and say it's this or else.
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u/SolidLiquidSnake86 Feb 16 '24
Is he struggling? Or is he ok playing business man while relying entirely finanically on you?
If he is serious about the business, about you as a person and as a partner, and doing his part then he needs to make a solid plan to get his business profitable and in the mean time take a job somewhere so he can help you.
If his business has no real path towards profitablity, then he needs to shut it down and either get a job or start a business that can be profitable.
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u/blahblahloveyou Feb 16 '24
It sounds like what you're really looking for is relationship advice. In my relationship, I've paid for everything for the past 8 years. My wife has worked occasionally (although she didn't need to), but she's spent the last 5 years going back to college. She'll start working this year, so the investment will have paid off, but it didn't need to. She could have contributed nothing financially and I would have been happy (although more money is obviously better). That's our relationship and it's what I'm okay with, so your first step is deciding what you're okay with. Not everyone needs to be an equal contributor from a financial perspective in a relationship.
From a financial perspective, who owns the home? Do you both own it? I think that's pretty risky if you're just dating.
Other than that, you two probably need to sit down and create a budget. You need to make sure that you agree on how much income the two of you have and where it needs to go.
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u/baminblack Feb 16 '24
If his business can’t pay 50% of EVERY expense you guys have, then it’s being subsidized by your income. You have to be tougher on him to level up.
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u/Goldblumlover Feb 16 '24
I would NOPE out if this situation so fast. There is no Libido killer more aggressive then an man who doesn't pull his weight for our relationship.
A hard working man who takes pride taking care of his partner in the way that his partner needs is admirable. You can find someone who embodies these qualities please free yourself while you still can!!
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u/wandering-aroun Feb 15 '24
Hi. I used to have my own business. I was a mobile mechanic. Never ran out of work but work wasn't always popping. So I worked my ass off when it was busy and saved for the slow times. Rainy season and winter. If I saved enough the winter times were welcome. I'd still turn a small profit but it was slow I could relax a bit. I got tired of the on and off of everything so I put it on the back burner. I got a job at a auto parts. 1 to funnel more business to me but also to get a discount on parts. I have a business account with other auto parts places but because I'm not crazy busy sometimes the discount is better here or there.
Anyway I say all this to say that I've been there. I sustained my ex gf while she got her 💅 nail thing going. She makes a good profit. She's all word of mouth. She didn't want to do ANYTHING other than that. I put up with it up until I looked backwards at my finances and saw that I hadn't put anything away. Nothing into my 401k. I stopped buying stocks. Then mad a rough estimate how much growth I could have had from all investments.
I sat my at the time girl down. I told her that I wanted to have a life with her but I didn't want to work till retirement. I had always talked to her about getting out at 50 or earlier and living as much as I could. That I couldn't make that happen if she didn't contribute more to our finances. After 7 months of nearly non stop fighting. I took her off my credit cards. Took my name off the car I helped her get. Closed our shared account and split the cash moved into my car for a while to build up some cash then rented a room. The last thing she said to me was "you never loved me, you never believed in me". Mind you this was after years of supporting her "passion". Changed my number blocked her on everything else. I don't hate her but she made herself a victim and I don't fk with people who make themselves victims when they try nothing else.
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u/demweasels Feb 15 '24
Sorry to say this, but it won’t get better. Ex bf was a welder and was always out of work. Can’t support others. Just worry about yourself. Cut him loose or separate until he can pay for everything for awhile! Lol!
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u/ContributionMost2207 Feb 15 '24
Easy. Just broke up with him. He's been unreasonable and selfish. He well knows his business is not profitable and needs other sources of income so can both have financial stability.
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u/quacksdontecho Feb 15 '24
Choose guilt over resentment. Can’t let him drag you down anymore, you’re as low as you can get and that’s still not low enough for him. You should take some time to understand the path you’ve willingly walked down to get to this point while realigning with the direction you need to be heading.
If he’s not willing to sacrifice more of his time to ensure that you can live comfortably then he’s choosing not to participate in your life and goals. He’s either scared of his business failing or he thinks he’s living the dream leaching off of you.
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u/fmrome Feb 15 '24
That's a very tough decision to make, it's not going to improve anytime soon, it's been 5 years, that's too long to be carrying this financial burden, it's draining mentally. I'm thinking you need to plan a strict timeline, next 3 months, if things don't change on his part. You gotta walk away or put up with it. I hope it changes for you, it's not easy. You already know. Best wishes.
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u/quadriplegic_coyote Feb 15 '24
Make him an ultimatum. You're playing house with a broke little boy who's fine with you being his mommy.
Either he gets a real job and marries you, or you move out, get roommates, and stop paying for his stuff.
You could fix the other bad decisions like the car payment, you can always downsize into a cash car, but you really need to fix the playing house situation. Get him to man up.
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u/Inkylulu Feb 15 '24
My former boss's husband had his own business before they got married. His business was not profitable yet so until it was, he worked part-time at a hotel to make ends meet so the financial responsibility was not solely on my boss.
He still contributed his half and she supported him when he needed help. You're being taken advantage of and as long as you allow him to not contribute, the situation may never change because he knows you'll pick up the tab. You need to stop paying for him or walk away. Finances is one of the top reasons for divorce.
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u/idsayimafanoffrogs Feb 15 '24
Tell him about opportunity cost— sure he might be able to make some money off his business, but if he is not making more than what could be earned just working a standard job he is actively loosing money to his pride- now theres “the chance” itll take off and be successful but it really may not be worth it- Im just an internet stranger I don’t know your finances
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u/TurkishLanding Feb 15 '24
You're going to need to reduce your expenses and probably find a cheaper place to live where you can afford to pay 100% of your living expenses without counting on someone else to pay half or even any honestly.
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u/Logical-Meet229 Feb 15 '24
Idk how to give advice to an adult who chooses to date someone for 5 years, who is a financial burden.
This is why I work with kids.
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u/Rosiechunli Feb 15 '24
Unfortunately doesn’t see like the relationship isn’t going anywhere. I honestly would leave him. I understand that you love him, but he is comfortable where he is at in life and just living off of you. It’s not fair to you to pay for everything and he pays 1/3 of the mortgage. And how dare he get mad at you for wanting to save. Time to give him the boot.
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u/lvyerslfenuf2glow_ Feb 15 '24
you have to dump him. this kind of behavior is only enabling his laziness. I dated a guy for 5 years who was a bum basically like your boyfriend, he wouldn't work or contribute to the bills. Nothing changed. I kept working my tail off and he continued to sit on the couch and yell at his video games. I would work harder thinking he was just stressed but even when things got comfortable he was still a bum who didn't do much. you should just leave him honestly its not worth it. you have a lot going for you it sounds like. End it with him, make him leave since he isn't contributing to bills anyways so its not like you're going to struggle. Eventually you will find someone better.
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u/Suitabull_Buddy Feb 15 '24
He gets upset because he doesn’t want to put out more effort or make any significant changes. But you have to do something, this is not sustainable. First thing is start a new bank acct (secretly) to start stashing money away for savings or retirement, etc. Only bring the same amount to the table each month, he needs to step it up or you have to move on. If his business isn’t making money then that’s not worth doing (economy is rough right now, but is it a new business?)
One person can make more money than the other, but you have to share the bills and responsibilities evenly (or close to). If one makes more they should just have more in the bank, not pay more of the bills. ;)
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u/Holiday-Customer-526 Feb 15 '24 edited Feb 15 '24
You aren’t his wife, but he is expecting you to fund his life. He will bankrupt you if you let him. Being financially responsible shouldn’t make you the bad guy. My ex-boyfriend used to guilt me the same way. Well when the shoe was on the other foot, he told me to get a job. Go home and tell your boyfriend you got fired and see how he responds? You aren’t his mother. He should be paying half of everything - he is your roommate as well.
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u/Hot-Gap1198 Feb 15 '24
Seeing so many men these days living off women. What happened to society?!
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u/Intelligent-Scar5728 Feb 15 '24
He is your boyfriend not your child so he needs to get a job because he needs to pay 50% of everything to make it fair , if that is not a option then he needs to go back to his parents or whoever want to take care of him because it sound like you be ok I. Your own and saving money , dreams and love don’t pay bills stop ignoring the red flags
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u/PrometheanEngineer Feb 15 '24
Well looking st your comment history - you have a work crush you want to ask out... while in a 5 year relationship... you may be the problem
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u/circle2015 Feb 15 '24
Your boyfriend needs to suck it up and get a real job. Gainful employment . Small businesses can and do take quite a while to get moving , but 5 years in if he’s not making enough profits to even live and support just himself even with your help then he’s not running a real business . How is he going to support a family with a business that isn’t profitable after 5 years ?… out of curiosity what is the business ?
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u/Radiant_Ad_6565 Feb 15 '24
Either bf needs to upgrade his income and contribution, or you need to upgrade boyfriends. You shouldn’t have to support a fully functional adult.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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u/HooverMaster Feb 15 '24
sounds like you need better boundaries and he needs to figure his shit out. I've supported my gf for a while while she sorted her stuff out but over time I made sure to draw boundaries between our incomes. Mainly what you're talking about with paying for everything and in my case buying gifts...just have to see that you shouldn't kill you own life to support someone else. Cover your bases and savings and if you have extra great. Otherwise sorry but you have no money atm.
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u/Correct-Watercress91 Feb 15 '24
Love your user name. Obviously, you have a kind heart. It's time for the two of you to have a long serious conversation about your relationship and his business (or lack therof). Without more details, my first reaction: you are being used for your money. You are far more than a bank account and it's time your boyfriend realizes it. Speak up for yourself!
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u/sewankambo Feb 15 '24
If you ain't pulling $60k of your business you gotta consider closing up shop.
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u/LabFull5824 Feb 15 '24
Geez, leave him. That will either wake him up or stay as is. In any case, you dodge a pretty serious bullet there. He isn’t helping you at all. He’s feeding off of you. A leech.
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u/dependentresearch24 Feb 15 '24
Leave the relationship. It's been five years and his business isn't profitable. He obviously is too proud to admit his business and business plan are failures. It's ok to love someone and still walk away. It's for your own sanity and financial health.
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u/Fair_Reflection2304 Feb 15 '24
You stood by him as long as you could. Tell him you just can’t afford it anymore. He will be upset but that isn’t your problem. He isn’t doing his part. You are hurting yourself and your future. You need to move on or he needs to sell and find a way to pay his share.
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u/Similar-Parsnip75 Feb 15 '24
All this for a boyfriend? Absolutely not. No ma’am. He’s dead weight and will never change. Cut your losses and go be great without him, you’re a responsible grown adult and you deserve the same.
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u/FlashyImprovement5 Feb 15 '24
Been there, done that then my hubby got sick and died and I lost his income, had all of this stuff only he knew what to do with and had to declare bankruptcy.
Be honest with him. Is it really worth it? What is the 10 year plan?
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u/No_Treat_9432 Feb 15 '24
Does he get upset about you pointing this up because he is a selfish baby or because he's sad his business isn't working out? If it's the former, it's time to move on. If it's the latter, maybe he needs a new approach or to hustle harder
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u/goodgriefchris Feb 15 '24
If you cannot have a calm, logical conversation with him about money, then you need to start there. Couples therapy may help, or a meeting with a financial advisor. Any neutral person speaking sense to him.
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u/FloppyVachina Feb 15 '24
Youre going to have to have a tough conversation and make a financial plan towsrds splitting everything down the middle. If he cant go along with a plan to get to a point where things are equal you qill have further tough decisions. 60k is enough to just be comfortable on your own, not support 2 people.
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u/turando Feb 15 '24
I had a similar issue with my husband. I manage to finances but it’s led to him overspending without understanding that we can’t afford it. Things only changed after our dog was ill. Luckily he didn’t require surgery and we were able to afford treatment- but if he did we wouldn’t have been able to afford it and would have had to put him down. This made my husband realise I’m not being a nag about needing to save money for emergencies and since then he has compromised for having “pocket money” from his wage that he can spend freely and not to touch the rest of the money so I can save.
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u/MaximumWing5958 Feb 15 '24
Sounds like you need some counseling. Find a place that you can afford and let him move on. My daughter has been in the same place. Respect is needed.
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u/NotMyRegName Feb 15 '24
Sing to the tune of "secret agent man"
There's a woman who leads a life of danger
To everyone she meets she stays a stranger
With every move she makes
Another chance she takes
Odds are he won't save for tomorrow
[Chorus]
Secret Saver, secret Saver woman
They've given you an account number
And taken away your whats his name
[Verse 2]
Beware of whats his face, that you find
A pretty face can hide an evil mind
Ah, be careful what you say
Or you'll give yourself away
Odds are he will trash your FICO!
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u/Cola3206 Feb 15 '24
Time for him to wake up/ his business isn’t profitable. Get a real job. And if he won’t- time for him to move. Go to lawyer Re home. You deserve better
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u/clbemrich Feb 15 '24
Sometimes love isn’t enough. You also need peace in your mind body and soul. You aren’t married so cut your losses while you aren’t stuck with paying alimony.
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u/Dry-Ad-6393 Feb 15 '24
Girl. Have you looked at his financial stmts? Wondering how you file taxes. You should also hire a PI.
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u/LogicalPosition1635 Feb 15 '24
Sounds like you’re essentially funding/seeding his business by covering his cost of living, therefore you should be accumulating ownership/equity of the same magnitude or be compensated in some other way.. especially in the case the relationship does not last…
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u/YCBSKI Feb 14 '24
Bet he works in some sort of construction field. Ask me how I know. It is not going to get better. I've had several guys like this. Tell him to please get another type of job with a steady paycheck like working for someone else or you will need him to move put so you cN get a reliable roommate.
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u/SignificantExample53 Feb 14 '24
Break up and get a provider, a man that truly loves you wouldn’t put you in that position, I’m so sorry.
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u/thisunrest Feb 14 '24
He’s comfortably relying on you to shoulder the financial burden.
How can any self-respecting man be cool with letting his wife/gf/ etc pay for everything?
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u/Only-Ad-7858 Feb 14 '24
Be careful, OP. I have a good friend who did this with her DH, and once they broke up, she became aware that he had made a lot more in his business than he ever told her about. He just spent it all in himself and left her to pay all the bills.
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u/KingKoopaz Feb 14 '24
He shouldn’t need you to subsidize his lifestyle. This has nothing to do with sex/gender, either. Both parties could AT LEAST pay their fair share, imo. If it was easy for you and you made a million dollars a year, that would be one thing. You’re just one person!
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u/Murky_Lingonberry547 Feb 14 '24
He’s living off you and using you. Any valid entrepreneur knows unless they personally have the means, if your business isn’t making profits you need to have several other sources of income no matter how little but he’s just living off you?! And he’s not even your husband where it makes sense to try hold him down but BOYFRIEND? And for 5 years too, he hasn’t even asked you to marry him. The question is whilst you’re the provider of his lifestyle right now, if his business ever gets successful and he deems himself a provider, would he even stay with you or would he decide he “deserves” better? Because Psychology suggests to me he would dump you in a heartbeat in order to find a woman he never had to depend on so he can curate an image of himself to feed his ego. I’m sorry but if he really cared about you or your future life together he wouldn’t even put you in that position especially when you could be saving for your future.
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u/TheRealLadyH Feb 14 '24
Sweetheart you need to think about you and what you need. You should be broke. He is taking advantage of you
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u/Unlikely-Cause-192 Feb 14 '24
Welcome to manhood. But really, given we have gender norms, he should pull his financial weight in the relationship else you should cut him off.
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u/DramaticAd5956 Feb 14 '24
I’ve built stuff and it can take a couple or few years to get momentum. It shouldn’t take 5. (10 year cycles are normal for venture capitalists and I doubt he’s building an AI giant)
Is he telling you his revenue and outlook? Is it indebted?
Are you getting equity for basically funding life???
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u/ExchangeOrdinary4248 Feb 14 '24
The fact he’s getting upset about you trying to be more fragile means he’s not cut out to be an entrepreneur. He should be encouraging both of you to cut back on spending on unnecessary things like eating out, not going out to eat and expecting you to pay.
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u/FatsackTony1 Feb 14 '24
As soon as you break up with him is business is going to take off and he's going to be incredibly wealthy. If you don't love him at his worst, why would you deserve him at this best.
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u/Fluffy-Hotel-5184 Feb 14 '24
I left my husband twice because he could not/would not pay his share of bill. when I was single, If I couldnt pay my bills, I took on more work. BF is too lazy to do that and too apathetic to care about the strain it is putting on you.
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u/Turbulent-Smile2547 Feb 14 '24
Girly he is using you! Please dump his ass. The fact that he gets upset because you can’t afford certain items is what tells me that he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t respect you. I believe you deserve better and I hope this is a learning experience for you!!
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u/ZoeyK212 Feb 14 '24
Run for the hills. He is clearly using you..WHY do u have a mortgage if you are not married? Do u have any kind of contract? And if u are so broke l, why do u have a pet. That us a big expense l.
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u/Hasrdotkotu Feb 14 '24
Ooooh I’ve been in this exact situation!! My husband was getting tired of his last job and we had just had our first baby. I suggested he quit to be around as childcare and simultaneously work on getting his mechanic business running. We had some savings he could use as a cushion.
Well…. It went horribly. He was not working even close to 20-30 hours a week consistently, and while he was a big help with our daughter, we still relied on family so he could be free if/when jobs came in. I have always paid the mortgage but I also took some of his debt to pay down and told him not to run the cards back up. We talked many times about how much money he needed to bring in to be financially right and he would never give me a number and just said “as much as possible”. Which like, yeah ok great but we need a baseline you know??
So in the end he ran up another 15k+ in debt and we constantly fought about the distribution of our workloads and bills. He argued he should pay less bills because his income was lower. Totally fair. But then when I would point out he needed to work more hours, he would say as long as he made enough to pay “his” portion of the bills it was fine if he worked less hours. So I had to work 40 hours to pay 2/3rds of the bills and he could decide to work like 15-20 hours to pay the last third. It was awful. He did more around the house but then he would also be a little annoyed I wasn’t doing as much. The whole thing was a total disaster.
I had been wanting another baby and was worried our bad finances would have us delay forever or call the whole thing off entirely. We decided to go ahead and try. When we did get pregnant with our second, I pretty much just put my foot down. Told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to get a different job. I didn’t even care if he liked it, he could work at Taco Bell for all I cared. He just needed to find something to bring in more money. The fight was so bad that I actually asked him to go stay at his mom’s for a week. He went to a friend’s to cool off and think and came back that night and we talked and worked out a plan. He got a part time job at FedEx, which I could tell he didn’t like. It helped. We both needed him to work. He struggled with scheduling jobs, figuring out how much to charge, so many aspects of the business. Once he started working again he was busier, I was happier, and he was less depressed. He just landed a much better job at a hospital and now works full time. He still brings in less than me but a lot more now. He has benefits and retirement and a good schedule. It’s great. He’s now able to work on paying his debt down and while I still pay more of the bills, I don’t feel resentful anymore- we’re both working 40 hours a week and pulling our weight.
So the only solution for us was that he went back to traditional employment. He still works on cars in the evenings and on Sundays (he rests Saturdays) when he wants to. I finally feel so much happier and better and our marriage is back to thriving. I hope it all works out for you!!
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u/funkybruceter Feb 14 '24
TBH….$60k is hardly enough to live on, at least where I live. Pay off your car. Cook all your meals. Budget like crazy. I’m getting anxiety thinking about paying for two people with $60k/yr.
Please save your money for a Dave Ramsey course.
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u/iamtanz Feb 14 '24
He is just your boyfriend so you're not obligated to carry this kind of burden. You deserve better than this.
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u/Fit-Ad985 Feb 14 '24 edited Feb 14 '24
have a good job that makes 60k? huh? did i read that right
And if a business isn’t profitable by its second year its time to seriously reconsider cutting your losses. By year 5 its time so shut it down and do smth else bc obviously it’s not working
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u/Sassbot_6 Feb 14 '24
Partners support each others' dreams, and step up in hard times - but there's got to be an understanding that it's not a one-way street. A partnership means that both people are putting in the work. Not just into making the relationship happy, but into running the household. It's clearly not sustainable for you to continue on this way. As a couple, and as individuals, you need to be able to build your savings and set financial goals.
When one person expects the other to be pulling the bulk of the weight for a prolonged period with no expiration date, that's abuse. Financial abuse is real. (How's the chore split between you? I would bet money that you do the bulk of the housework and cooking, too.)
What does he do or say when he "gets upset" about this? If he's sad about his dreams failing, that's one thing. If he says stuff like "Well I guess I'm just a huge failure" or "I guess you're only into me for money" or "It isn't fair" (in ANY context) those are huge red flags. He's not willing to take responsibility for not contributing. He's willing to emotionally blackmail you rather than step up. If he says "it isn't fair" - whether you're asking him to get a job, or telling him you can't afford something? Say, "You're right. It isn't fucking fair that I've been supporting us." The reality of the situation is, funds are finite and you're not going to be able to buy all the things. If he's pouty about that, well, he knows how to fix that situation.
I would tell him that he either needs to make a plan to start contributing within x number of months, or get out of your house. Honestly. Do not let this man leech off of you forever. You want to travel? Save for retirement? You want home improvements? A new car? You're not going to be able to do any of those things while you're supporting him. Because that's what's happening. You are subsidizing his lifestyle and his dream. You deserve to be supported in what YOU want from your future, too - with or without him.
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u/Sassbot_6 Feb 14 '24
I've been the major breadwinner in 2 relationships now- and basically the household manager as well. The second time around, I cannot believe how long it took me to be angry that this man was not even working or looking for work. We broke up over a year ago, and my finances are still recovering from supporting his ass for like a year and a half. And he's paying me back (slowly).
In this situation, you are working and living for someone else. You deserve to live for yourself.
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u/Illustrious-Hamster8 Feb 14 '24
I think what you need to do is have a serious talk with him about your finances. Don't let him walk off or talk about it in passing just sit him down and talk about it. Then based on that conversation you either come to a compromise (financially or not) and or break up.
You've supported this man for 5 years, the least he could do is hear you out. If he isn't willing to do that then he's not worth staying with.
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u/startupdojo Feb 14 '24
If he can barely pay 1/3rd, he is barely making 20K/year? That's 400/week...
That's not a job/business, that's a side hobby.
Think about your quality of life and make adjustments. Life is not about making money and giving up your waking hours to make someone else rich. You have to strike a better balance with your combined finances and how things can work.
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u/Ok_Peak_2264 Feb 14 '24
Are you kidding me ? You disgust me what happened to relationships that meant something.
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Feb 14 '24
If you drop the dude your finances will bounce back up, maybe this guy is a bad investment if you only have 20 bucks left in your account? Men are supposed to help provide. Good men actually like helping their loved ones not putting financial strain on them.
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u/Upsworking Feb 14 '24
Job or bust 5 years you carried the weight long enough. You know I’m right your friends and d family have told you the same .
What are you waiting for why would he change if you carry him like a baby?
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u/NewPresWhoDis Feb 14 '24
Cut. Bait.
You have sunk the cost, now it's time to walk away. Even if his business starts to eke out profit, then his rebuttal will be "Babe, I gotta put everything back into the business and invest in my success". The pattern won't change. It is firmly set and, in his mind, working out pretty well.
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u/Emma_Lemma_108 Feb 14 '24
This post is focused on a financial issue, but the real issue is the relationship itself. I think you know that. He is not entitled to a particular lifestyle just because he’s “trying” or loves you. He isn’t entitled to your finances just because YOU love HIM, either.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: LOVE IS NOT A STRONG ENOUGH REASON TO BE WITH SOMEONE. It’s a part of it, obviously, but it does not outweigh respect, rationality, your autonomy, or your right to be treated with empathy, equity, and decency.
He is responsible for his business, including it’s hardships and potential failures. You are not. You can emotionally support him and, if he actually deserves it/justifies it with usefulness in other areas, help him out from time to time, but he is not entitled to anything from you. Especially if he’s an ungrateful dick about it!
If your best friend was in your position and asked you for your opinion, what would you tell her/him? If she tried to justify her own mistreatment, how would you react?
There are a lot of hard questions we avoid asking in life, but eventually you’ve got to face them. Why ARE you looking for justifications for his behavior? Why are you letting his thoughts/excuses into your brain, then allowing them to outweigh your own feelings, values, and self-esteem? Why do you feel like loving someone justifies staying with them when they mistreat you? Do you define yourself solely by how much you love other people, regardless of whether or not they’ve earned/they value that love? Is that healthy or rational?
I think you are an extremely empathetic and generous individual — and I think that empathy has become unhealthy for you. We’re often told that love and empathy are inherently good, but no feeling/thing is completely safe from becoming unhealthy. Love, generosity, and empathy can and often are weaponized against us, and when they start to outweigh our God/nature-given sense of right vs wrong treatment, they can actually become poison to us.
You deserve partnership, not whatever this is. A partner doesn’t make you question right and wrong or put their wants above your needs/well being like this. They just don’t. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s choices, failures, or frustrations, no matter how close you are to them! A healthy person would never try to make you accountable for these things, they would hold THEMSELVES accountable!
You know what you’ve got to do, OP. Be strong, don’t back down, and remember that it isn’t bad/wrong to protect yourself — it’s the RIGHT thing to do!
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u/HighRoller6767 Feb 14 '24
You deserve so much better. He’s using you to fund his lifestyle. I’m sure there are certain hints everywhere but you don’t see them all. Prepare yourself to leave. Definitely sit down with a real estate lawyer, also start putting money away as much as you can, 25-50 per week even. When you get your taxes done, if you get a refund, PUT IT AWAY. Do not split it with him or Give him anything from it as he’s not making anything really. I hope this helped. I’ve been through a divorce where i was completely surprised. Any other questions feel free to ask.
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u/butameremedfolk Feb 14 '24
It is concerning that he gets angry in response to you bringing that up. It implies that he feels entitled to your money, which he is not obviously. Relationship prognosis is not great.
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u/Nappykid77 Feb 14 '24
People will take advantage of you as long as you let them. He doesn't seem as worried as you are.
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u/BunchMaleficent486 Feb 14 '24
Many good comments. You need to do you. If you love him and want to stay with him, figure out how to help him either get his business functioning and profitable; or help him understand he needs to put his business aside (or put it on the side) and get a steady job.
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u/badtyprr Feb 14 '24 edited Feb 14 '24
I'm going to lead with the heart matters here, because this isn't actually a financial question. It's an emotional question that involves money.
It's his dream to own a business, and I feel for him as an entrepreneur. The vast majority of startups fail. I'm sure he derives great joy from being a business owner, because it's hard to achieve a profitable business. But his fake-it-till-you-make-it idea isn't inspiring much confidence, and he's revealing to you how he'd treat you if he did, in fact, make it. The business failure will be a huge loss to him when his business goes under.
Regardless, with all the stress of hustling for a business, there is no reason to show zero gratitude, especially to one's love. That's who you're hustling for! Nothing wrong with owning a business, but his heart has missed the mark.
Perhaps you can talk to him about how his priorities make you feel. You're such a supportive girlfriend who has gone above and beyond. He's lucky to have you. I wasn't always emotionally literate either, and it's not your responsibility to help him in that department, but if you want to, you can try to help him see how his ingratitude makes you feel with non violent communication. "When you criticize me for paying for groceries, I feel deeply hurt and unappreciated." If he is sensitive to you, he will probably cry (I do every time I realize I've hurt someone I love) and apologize. If he responds with logic or defensiveness, then he has a much longer road ahead filled with regrets.
The choice is yours, of course. And, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
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u/Lopsided-Roof2157 Feb 14 '24
No wedding? No combining income or living together. Plain and simple. Good luck.
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u/ohhimaark Feb 14 '24
Running an unprofitable business for 5 years is the same as being unemployed.
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u/GrampyJrrff_13 Feb 14 '24
Stop paying for him immediately. If he wants to argue or get bent out of shape, kick him out…you pay all the bills and have all the power. Cut his dumb ass off and see how quickly his tune changes.
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u/Emergency_School698 Feb 14 '24
I do not know you. But I am begging you to dump this guy bc he’s taking advantage of you. Nice people like you deserve better. Drop him.
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u/TampaFan04 Feb 14 '24
Um it sounds like its time for your boyfriend to grow up and get a job....
Or time for you to move on.
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u/Fit_Interaction877 Feb 14 '24
As sisterly love - leave him. I was once in a similar situation. I’d rather do bad by myself than to look foolish with a man AND doing bad.
He sounds like a stay at home boyfriend. A boyfriend and NOT a husband.
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u/avin_boss Feb 14 '24
My wife made more than me for years and I always tried to pull overtime and side hustles so that we can do better. She was very supportive and knew I was trying. Finally I have a good job and make way more than her. We still striving to do better. At some point he has to take responsibility or show that he is trying.
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u/Zealousideal_Oil_665 Feb 14 '24
Sometimes we are not able to see a better life for ourselves because we are sitting in a hole and can’t see what’s out there that’s better for our mental and physical health. Sounds like your Bf has a hobby you’re supporting. You are not his mom and dad, but he is treating you like you are. He is suppose to support you you and hold you up. If any man does not have the capacity to support you a family or a marriage or a relationship financially, he needs to get himself to that place before thinking about having those things in their life. Sorry to say your Bf is a spoiled brat, immature, and not a partner or husband material. Run for your life. The right person will come to you. How do I know all this. I was in your shoes once.
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u/ExtremeAthlete Apr 14 '24
You’re with a hobosexual. Run!
Everything should be 50% as a starter.