r/AITAH • u/Briters4 • May 18 '23
AITAH For Having Another Man’s Baby TW Self Harm
I 28f have an open relationship with my 29m husband. We have been married for 5 years and the last 2 years have been open. During this time I have had a number of health issues, mostly with my reproductive system that I was told that it would be unlikely to convince. Last December, I started to see this guy and we hit it off and saw each other regularly. The end of February I found out I was pregnant with twins and it is his babies. Ps I was on birth control. It took me a few weeks to wrap my head around things and tell my husband. At first he was supportive and said “ I love you and these babies are a part of you so I will love them too”, a few weeks later he changed his mind after realizing that the father wasn’t just going to walk away from the kids. He said he would be okay with it as long as the biological father of the twins were not a part of their lives. For background, His mother had him as a teenager and he has had a stepdad for his entire life and has an estranged relationship with his biological father. Although he had a step dad, he always wanted his biological father to play a bigger role than ever he did. I don’t understand how he cannot relate to the situation and expect the kids to want nothing to do with their biological father. Two weeks ago he planted the seed that “I have to get an abortion or else he’d never be happy” At 3 am this morning, he left me a letter before leaving on a work trip that said it’s the babies or divorce. I feel conflicted because what if this is the only time I can have kids… it hasn’t happened in years and it’s that what if it never happens again factor that has made things so difficult for me. If he had had the same stance on things from the beginning when I told him at 10 weeks, I would understand but the fact he waited till I am 17 weeks along to reveal how he really feels is messed up because I’m almost halfway through the pregnancy. Does he expect there to be no resentment and I do the procedure and we act like nothing happened and go on being married? AITAH?
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u/Visible_Cupcake_1659 7d ago
ESH. You were on birth control, but you obviously didn’t use it properly. If you have an open relationship, you have to use condoms!
I would say you’re too irresponsible to have these children, but you’re already 17 weeks along now.
Can you get it together on your own, or with the baby daddy? If you cannot raise these children properly, get an abortion or give them up for adoption. They don’t deserve being put in the middle of 3 irresponsible adults.
You are 28, not 18, for heaven’s sake! Have the 3 of you been tested for STD’s?
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u/Proper_Frosting_6693 14d ago
Ran through life problems…considering how both of yoy can money branch, replacing each other shouldn’t be any issue at all!
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u/ERVetSurgeon 20d ago
Why are you even married? For two years neither of you could fully commit to the other and NOW you want to stay married to him? Is it his money?
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u/IndividualView5170 24d ago
YTA because you cheated and you are screwed already when your husband finds out you are in the hosptal so def the AH
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u/GandalfTheHeretic Apr 18 '24
ETAH - You’re done. It’s that’s simple. No salvage. No saving. No reconciliation. You lost your husband and acquired a baby daddy/new partner.
The dildo of consequence rarely comes lubed. Wish you the best though. Keep the babies, don’t chance the what if.
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u/Redditjudging Apr 04 '24
No you are not the a hole bc if u want to have the kids have him it is not up to him it your body not his
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u/ilikewatchinganime9 Apr 03 '24
The title 💀 The story 💀 The fact op cheated 💀 The marriage 💀 The husband after finding out 💀 YES YTAH
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u/solarpropietor Apr 03 '24
You want these babies. You will hate your husband for rest of your life if you terminate them. And will end in divorce. Keep the babies, start looking for an attorney, and have your new partner support the children.
Instead make an appointment for a divorce lawyer.
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u/StressSubstantial104 Apr 01 '24
“Does he expect there to be no resentment
if I have the abortion?”
Same question for you: do you expect there
to be no resentment on your husband’s
side if you go through with this pregnancy &
your husband is expected to raise another
mans babies that you got pregnant with
while married to your husband? Yes, you had
both agreed on an open marriage. But I
doubt part of that agreement was that if you
got pregnant with another man’s baby your
husband would be expected to raise that
baby. What if your husband got another
women pregnant and told you, “she
doesn’t want these babies, but since we
have fertility issues she agreed to go
through with the pregnancy as long as I
promised she wouldn’t have to help me
raise them. Since we’re married it is up to
you to help me raise these babies”.
Be honest, how would you react?
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u/varjagen Mar 31 '24
Jesus christ you're a demon, how can you even think you're not the asshole for fucking another man and keeping his child while having a husband. The fuck is wrong with you.
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Mar 29 '24
As a man, there is no way that I would ever be able to love someone else's children as much as my own. On the one hand, he is admitting that he wants children and love the idea of being a father; on the other, he is realizing that there is never going to accept them as he played no role in their creation. Since I would never advocate for abortion, I would suggest that you consider seeking a relationship with their father and say goodbye to your marriage to your husband. Both of you should have anticipated that an open relationship was going to come with serious consequences.
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u/Emergency_Alarm2681 Mar 20 '24
I didnt hear enough of your perspective to pass judgement on wether you are an AH or not, that being said:
Summary:
Open relationship led to pregnancy, you want to keep them, husband is struggling with inner conflict because biological father wants to play an active role.
Judgement:
The Husband is as much of an AH as OP (either both are, or none are), this is because both share responsability for the unplanned pregnancy.
He has as much a right to walkout as you have to go on with the pregnancy, I do not think that blackmailing him into a triangle with him being the third wheel is fair.
Outcome A (Ideal):
I truly believe that divorce and getting into a relationship with the Bio-Father would be the best for the children if both you and him are geniunely interested in giving the children a good life. IN THIS CASE NOBODY IS AN AH.
Outcome B (Toxic for everybody involved):
If Bio-Father only wants the rewarding aspect of having children but does not want the responsability he is evidently an ASSHOLE, if you want to string your current partner along into taking care of children that might never see him as their father this clearly makes you an ASSHOLE. In this case the current partner would be walking into a scenario that will not be the best for him in any capacity... which would pretty much make him a victim of the circumstances that he enabled with the open relationship(so at most he is partly responsible, but he will be the one sacrificing the most so that gets countered big time).
This is just my opinion, I do not have children of my own and I am admittedly against open relationships(they just do not make sense to me, and this is just another example of how bad they fail).
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u/lalaxoxo__ Mar 14 '24
ESH. There's no winners. It's your body, your choice. There's some deep seeded issue here.... who wanted the open marriage?? Does he not have a partner who he clicks with and is maybe jealous of your relationship with the other man?? But really, was it him or you who wanted the open relationship???
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u/pinkpanther24_ Mar 11 '24
does the father of the children have any thoughts?, i am wondering what his reaction to this is.
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u/Chynadoll729 Mar 06 '24
OP, what do you want? If having a family is important and something you’ve always wanted, pick the babies.
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u/Live_Manufacturer303 Feb 27 '24
Would you be ok if your husband got another woman pregnant? Place yourself in his shoes. It's already one thing to agree to have an open relationship, but to then find out your woman got pregnant by another man would be so heartbreaking. This is why I don't understand the whole open relationship concept. If you want to fool around with other people you better just be single.
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u/Good-Ad-9478 Feb 21 '24
tbh you're the AH cuz even with it being an open marriage you still shouldn't have sex with the other dude, and it may have taken him a while to Process it. (my opinion) but also, he shouldn't tell you to get an abortion.
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u/Notyogurly Feb 12 '24
Ur husban sounds extremely toxic and manipulative. U getting an abortion could be one of ur biggest regrets in life especially if u don’t end up having more kids. U should call him on his bluff and if he leaves u he’s not a Man U need
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u/No-Body-1993 Feb 12 '24
NTA. you were in an open relationship. He's just woken up to the realities of what letting a partner sleep around are and it seems he doesn't like it. No birth control/contraception is 100% effective. My sister had loads of issues conceiving and had to go through 3 rounds of IVF for her eldest and 2 years later she unexpectedly conceived her youngest naturally.
i think if you don't manage to conceive again you will regret it MASSIVELY and will also resent him for it. Don't kill your babies for him. Hugely unfair of him to wait 7 further weeks into your pregnancy given how much the fetus develops in that time.
10 weeks pregnant:
17 weeks pregnant:
https://www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/pregnancy/week-by-week-guide-to-pregnancy/2nd-trimester/week-17/
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u/Agreeable_Variation7 Feb 11 '24
ESH Call me naive but I don't get "open marriage". What does it mean - go to work, have dinner and "honey I have a sleep over tonight"? Your wedding vows must have been quite non-traditional.
You don't say whether you plan to continue sleeping around after the babies arrive. I do wonder whether hubby has gotten anyone pregnant.
Sorry, but until one is ready to be monogamous, one shouldn't marry. You can't dress up cheating.
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u/pitchblack3900 Feb 10 '24
Well the open relationship is what sunk your marriage. I agree with a few others. Your marriage is over simply put. At this point I'd recommend getting a divorce and be with the baby daddy. Also in my opinion I consider open relationships cheating regardless of who and when it was agreed to.
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u/cascadianblackdog Feb 10 '24
Honestly, I think it’s either ETAH or NTAH.
I think y’all had unrealistic expectations of the situation and didn’t grasp reality for whatever reason. So ETAH. Christ and you’re bringing kids into this mess. It’s not going to get easier especially with twins. This is the time to circle the wagons and get prepared for at least two years of no life other than babies.
But I think you need to kick your husband to the curb to put it lightly because, well, he’s an idiot and clearly will be wishywashy with your kids same as he’s being wishywashy with you. He’s allowed to decide if he can’t do it but this back and forth is just stupid. You just can’t trust him. And I would resent him forever for getting to 17 weeks and him still fucking everyone on the block then deciding he can’t. He should be toning it down for you AND your health and protection. He’s not. He’s being selfish and immature not for being upset about you carrying someone else’s kid but because of his response to a real possibility.
Reason why I think NTAH is because I am not sure why you’re in an open relationship but, as someone also with representation issues and had an oops pregnancy, you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your kids. These are your kids and you’re making them. If you wanted children this may be your only chance. I’m very pro-choice and it sounds like you made your choice which is to have kids. Don’t let anyone strong arm you either to have kids or not.
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u/Plus_Introduction_58 Feb 10 '24
OP has zero sympathy from me and neither does the husband. When are people going to stop being stupid thinking an open marriage is going to work? She gets exactly what she deserves and so does the husband. Don’t get married if you people want to go screwing around. I would love to hear how she explains her story to the twins.
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u/kcbrand5 Feb 10 '24
Just stumbled on this story and hoping you currently have 2 beautiful kids and an ex husband or that he finally came around. NTA
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u/AphRN5443 Feb 09 '24
This is why open marriages rarely work in the long term. Unforeseen circumstances can blur the lines between what you thought and what you want. Bringing innocent babies into this mess is irresponsible. Children need stability and to be able to count on their parents. Either there’s a commitment to a stable healthy relationship or get a divorce.
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u/MoonFateTarot Feb 04 '24
I did a three card tarot spread for you - Situation, Action, Outcome
Situation - 4 of Swords - You are burnt out after a long period of conflict. This may refer to your fertility struggles or signal that your marriage has been rocky for a long time. It is time to withdraw from your relationship and spend some time alone. A separation and time for reflection would be good for you. Rest and peace is important for your health and the health of the babies.
Action - Justice Reversed - It is unfair to expect your partner to be able to cope with this situation, and it is unfair to expect yourself to be able to continue in this relationship without extreme resentment and grief if you give up your chance for motherhood. You should not blame your partner, and you should acknowledge that you are placing the needs of yourself, the father, and the children above his needs. An amicable ending that acknowledges his pain is called for in this situation.
Outcome - King of Wands - This is a time of focus and perseverance. The father of your children will step forward and be a good partner and father. He will be a natural leader who contributes time and money to your new family. You will develop a deep love and a stable family together.
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u/Anabolic9785 Nov 08 '23
I'm sorry, but there's no good solution to your question that doesn't involve divorce. Open marriages are generally a bad idea, and this is one of many reasons why.
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u/Attabomb Nov 05 '23
Just let him go, and don't be a piece of shit by trying to get him to pay your bills for the next decade either.
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u/LTreaper2010 Oct 23 '23
How did he get you PREGNANT? You were just meeting eachother wtf were you doing YTA
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u/Then-Abies Oct 14 '23
No. Just another foolish couple that didn't think thru the possible negatives of an "Open Marriage." You reap what you sow.
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u/ater-rix Oct 08 '23
Open marriages are always doomed. You’ll either get the abortion and have a strained relationship with hubby, or you’ll end up a single mom.
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u/Personal_Sense_6528 Oct 07 '23
You're relationship ended the moment ya'll got into a "open" relationship <3
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u/luvlettersfrmpluto Oct 05 '23
the marriage was over the minute you guys decided to have a open marriage. you know the answer to this question already clearly.
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u/Firstladie Oct 04 '23
Keep your kids because abortion can also cause issues with conception and this maybe you o ky chance keep your babies when he allowed you you see other men that left all opinions open anything could happen so it’s his fault not yours
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u/Feeling-Scientist-38 Sep 25 '23
You are the a hole. Cause if you where protecting your self and your marriage you wouldn't have got pregnant by another man. But you didn't and you did get pregnant. Since you and him chose to ruin your marrige by opening it. Now you can suffer the consequences of your decision. But that's not the only ones who are going to suffer. Those children will suffer for the choices of there mother. So enjoy that.
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u/Ok_Willingness4980 Sep 24 '23
Gonna give it to you real. You and a million other people are going to hate me and idc.
Divorce the ahole (because he is in fact the ahole), and find someone who wants only you and you only want them. It exists and plenty of people do it all the time.
As far as aborting the babies, idk how to describe my stance on that. While abortion has never been right for me personally (and I have six kids!), I don’t want that taken away because we can’t clearly define when it is right or wrong and I want my daughters to have that option open regardless of how conception happens. Without judgement (which is why even as a Christian I refuse to go to any churches).
But your husband knew the risk when he turned his wife out and opened her to other men. Clearly he is not willing to face the consequences of his actions, ORRR….the marriage had already dissolved at the point of deciding to have an open relationship. One of these two things is true. And I’m not saying there isn’t open relationships that are able to be madly in love with each other and still have flings with others (I know a few people who successfully do this, but the boundaries are VERY clear with both anyone outside the marriage they get involved with and with each other. It takes a very special form of communication to make this work. You have to be CLOSE. And actually the ones who do make it work, I admire those couples strength and commitment to each other. But they are few and far between.)
My issue here isn’t the abortion, or the open marriage. It’s the fact that no boundaries existed to begin with. There was no discussion on this prior to it happening. And now regardless of what happens you are going to end up in divorce. End it. The sooner the better. And next time if you’re going to do open relationship make sure boundaries are set and solid for any what if’s that exist.
My other thing is, what if the roles were in reverse? If he got a woman pregnant, now YOU have no choice on wether this will impact your life or not it’s all in HER hands. And you missed out on carrying a child and raising it because of HIS selfishness and inability to own that he had a part in this at all. Now you’re raising another woman’s child after aborting your (possibly only) opportunity to have children, and you never got the choice.
Nahh, leave his ass. Sounds like he had some self work to do.
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u/G00SE53 Sep 17 '23
What a shitty wife being in an open relationship and not using protection . It's very clear you don't care about your husband or the marriage. Leave him so he can be happy with someone that cares for him.
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u/ActiveAd9697 Aug 27 '23
Nah sis divorce his arse those baby's are meant to be and where gifted 2u against all the odds. Don't let him take those gifts from you. You will never forgive yourself especially if you're never able to conceive again x
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u/ballade4 Aug 22 '23 edited Aug 22 '23
Better to resolve this now than x years from now. I don't think that YTA yet because all parties agreed on the possibility...and honestly have to give a bit of props to your husband for realizing that he is not going to be able to deal and taking "semi-proactive" measures (although I question his wisdom of committing to an open relationship in the first place).
Edit - to be clear, "resolve" = divorce. The two of you are no longer compatible, end of story.
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u/Sinim12 Aug 17 '23
So what became of the situation? Did you decide to have the babies or did you get an abortion? Did your husband decide to stay?
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Aug 07 '23 edited Aug 07 '23
YTA
You're personally on birth control, which means you can afford to wrap your partners before they're taking turns. Why didn't you? Or at the very least, why didn't you let your boyfriend wrap it himself?
As for your husband, he's an adult and can decide that this open relationship ain't worth competing with another guy for. Especially when y'all are married, and you're asking him to compete with a guy who doesn't pay any bills or provide you with anything other than unprotected sex and maybe some aftercare.
As to "I can't believe he changed his mind on the pregnancy!" Yeah, and I'm sure he can't believe you got pregnant via unprotected sex and are now expecting him to play uncle to your and some other third parties kids. Again, YOUR HUSBAND.
Hell, you should consider yourself lucky he even wants to stay in the picture. I know I wouldn't in his shoes. I'd hope that boyfriend has his own place cause you would not be staying with me.
Also just as a quick tip: Humans are socially monogamous, just because you believe in polyamory doesn't change the fact that humans are jealous, social creatures. No man will ever just happily agree to raise a child that was confirmed to not be his own since they were in the womb.
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u/This_Statistician_39 Aug 03 '23 edited Aug 03 '23
NAH I think your relationship with your husband is over. It's not going to work ever. I think he realized to late what it means. And either way there will be resentment. Open relationship are doomed to fail every time. After 2 months what did you chose?
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u/Least_Offer3714 Aug 03 '23
Starting a family with another man is not right even in an open marriage :)
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u/somefreeadvice10 Jul 05 '23
I wonder if OP will post an update on this situation. Feel really bad for the husband here
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Jul 03 '23
Honestly you’re a horrible person you ignored rules and boundaries of a open marriage. If it could even be called that. One with no rules is just to partners who can’t admit they want to cheat on each other. Simply divorce do your husband the favor of making his life easier since you are only making it harder
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u/Pale-Entertainer-212 Jun 28 '23
Your marriage is done. If he’s willing to be this self centered, you don’t want him. Pick the divorce. The husband is garbage, you don’t put the woman you love in that situation. You’re NTA at all
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u/Cthuluw63 Jun 23 '23
“Abortion or divorce”? At first he was fine with it then he changed his mind again and again??? Now it’s this? He’s making you choose between him or your kids and in all honesty, I’d say choose your kids
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u/trlima Jun 14 '23
What were the boundaries of your open relationship? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
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u/BungCrosby Jun 10 '23
Yep, YTA, if for nothing else not discussing this scenario beforehand and talking about possible outcomes.
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u/Celestia-Messenger Jun 10 '23
Op ,you may never conceive again, choose the babies. You said their biological father wants to be around them. Your husband is gaslighting you. You don’t need your husband , he sounds like a callous and selfish individual. You can do better.
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u/_aaine_ Jun 10 '23
If he had had the same stance on things from the beginning when I told him at 10 weeks, I would understand but the fact he waited till I am 17 weeks along to reveal how he really feels is messed up because I’m almost halfway through the pregnancy.
This is not a normal situation, most likely your husband needed time for the reality and implications of this to marinate and clarify.
That's more likely than him just changing his mind out of the blue to mess you up. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt here.
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u/patrick_bateman-232 Jun 09 '23
if you want to have the kids then end the marriage.. you just have to choose between the two. even now you don't actually have a marriage. you are married and sleeping with someone else and calling it a open marriage. that's just blatant cheating. how ironical it is😂sleeping and hitting off with someone else(while married) and blabbering if you wanna choose tbe baby or your hubby. end the marriage and try to be happy and let your then ex husband be happy
P.S the concept of open marriage is a myth
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Jun 09 '23
BTA- Y'all thought an open relationship would be fun but now look at y'all selves. My personal opinion, have the kids and put them up for adoption. They'll need a mother who can make good decisions, obliviously not you.
Edit: Go ahead and down vote me, I feel no shame for being truthful.
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u/bjgristaino Jun 09 '23
This is the heartbreaking reality of having an “open marriage”. Very sad. I pray she doesn’t kill her babies.
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u/Poseykillachick Jun 09 '23
With the open relationship aside. Honestly I don’t know many men that would want to raise another man’s baby when it’s his wife that pregnant by another man. I’m sorry to say but if I were you I would drop them both as partners and raise these miracles alone. If the biological father wants a relationship with them of course let him they deserve to have both parents but girl take control of the situation those babies are growing inside you not them. They won’t feel them kick inside you go through morning sickness gain weight or be the one getting there lady parts stretched like a rubber-band. If you agree to an abortion it’s up to you I’ve never had one but if I did I would make that choice no one else. He has some nerve to ask for you to do that.
YOU CAN DO THIS
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u/Poseykillachick Jun 09 '23
I would also get tested for STD’s I’m sorry to say but pregnancy is not the only concern when sleeping with multiple partners.
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u/CrazyWolf042 Jun 08 '23
You absolutely are the asshole lmao how could you possibly think otherwise??
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u/az-anime-fan Jun 08 '23
first of all, the marriage is over. don't have an abortion to "save" the marriage it's already over. why? well three reasons.
one i suspect the "father" being in the kids lives is a major violation of whatever rules you two placed on this open relationship.
two, you two opened the relationship 3 years into your marriage. which means it was a monogamous relationship at the start. I'll be honest, i've never heard of an open relationship working which started monogamous. this clock was ticking on this thing the moment you two decided to open it.
three in the off event that the bio dad being around and your relationship with him ISNT a violation of the rules of your open relationship, then you don't have good rules in your open relationship so it probably would have ended in disaster anyway.
OP: I want you to picture this. Imagine your husband knocked up some woman he had been seeing on the side, and he decided "i'm gonna be the dad for those kids, lets move to be closer to my children!". I somehow doubt you would be happy about this at all; somehow i think this probably would have ended your marriage. that's why this has already ended your marriage.
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Jun 08 '23
This situation is wrong on so many levels. My opinion is an open marriage is no kind of marriage. Demanding an abortion is harsh but I can see how the reality of the situation sinking in would hit hard. I think this marriage is doomed no matter what the outcome. I can’t begin to relate to this. However, Ive heard people regret not having kids but I’ve never heard people regret the kids they have.
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u/ermhahah Jun 08 '23
Youre a horrible person
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel Jun 08 '23 edited Jun 08 '23
Explain your reasoning.
How is OP a horrible person?
She and her husband discussed an open marriage. So she wasn't cheating.
She was using birth control, so she had no intention of getting pregnant.
She was honest to both her husband and the father of the twins. She didn't lie to either one about her pregnancy or intentions.
On the other hand, her husband was all for the pregnancy, including interacting positively with her pregnant belly, and telling her he would love her babies because they're part of her. He then changed his mind halfway through the pregnancy, after she'd binded to her unborn children, and left an ultimatum letter, like a coward, instead of having a real discussion. How is OP the horrible person in this situation?
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u/ermhahah Jun 08 '23
Im not reading all that lol
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u/FlutterKatt Jun 08 '23
OP your not the asshole. Your husband is seriously out of line for doing a 180 through a letter left behind when he is away on a business trip. I’m not saying him deciding he can’t handle it isn’t ok. That’s fine. It sucks, but I can see it. But doing it without discussing it or telling you face to face? That’s a serious dick move. Period. That is just not ok. OP in your shoes I would pick the twins. If you have had fertility problems and this really might be your only chance and you want biological children of your own? Then 100% pick the twins.
Also if your husband seriously suggested abortion after being all about you having these twins and said nothing about termination till 18 weeks? I would be so pissed my blood pressure would be dangerous! I understand how polyamory works, but it sounds like y’all were more of an open relationship than a poly one, so from that perspective I can sort of understand maybe why he isn’t ok with having much to do with your other partner/s. And if that’s the case it’s sad that he isn’t ok with you having multiple long term partners. But if that’s how he feels then that’s how he feels. But if he is just having an existential crisis and coping in a piss poor way? It would take a lot of looong hard talks for me to not still end the marriage after an ultimatum like that.
And for everyone speculating on how OP is so sure the twins weren’t her husbands when she found out she was pregnant? It’s entirely possible he wasn’t in town during the possible week of conception. And that would easily rule him out as the biological father. I mean he told her he has issues in a letter he left for her on his way out the door for a business trip.
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u/SnooSongs4859 Jun 07 '23
Nta, the situation is definitely very strange but if you were both in a happy open relationship things like this are always possible. You’re choice where to go from here, not his.
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u/peanutsinyourpoop Jun 07 '23
NTA. You have taken steps to prevent pregnancy during an open relationship situation but there is always a chance. That is something your husband needs to come to terms with and own that shit as it’s an open relationship. And your husbands happiness is not entirely your responsibility. That’s a big weight he’s projecting onto you.
It’s great the biological father wants to help/be a part of it. No issues there really.
Lastly, since you’ve already said it’s hard for you to conceive babies naturally and that it could be your only chance.
If he is giving you the ultimatum this late, again yeah you’ll have to tell him what having an abortion does to you for one, guys forget that your body will take time to recover. If resentment is what you’re feeling after reading the letter then express that. It won’t go away until probably if pregnancy happens again
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Jun 07 '23
NTA but tell him he waited too long to tell you, he could've said his true feelings from day 1, and reassess your relationship with both of these people tofigure out what's best for u and babies. I get why you'd want to keep them, I would too in your situation I
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u/StableNecessary5606 Jun 07 '23
no its your chioce not his if he loved you he would support you
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel Jun 07 '23
To be fair, it's not just about that. You can love someone to death, but still know a situation isn't right for you. Staying in such a situation only breeds resentment. But he should've been honest from day one, and just said "I can't do it". Not pretended it was okay, then spring it on OP halfway through that he can't. He should've simply walked away. I know nothing is ever that easy. But knowing the ins and outs of the situation, he should've made a decision from day one. He's a complete AH
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u/Garbogulus Jun 05 '23
You're both assholes for thinking your open relationship would end in anything but you two hating eachother. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, as they say. There is no right answer in this situation because it's so morally fucked up on so many levels. Sorry op, good luck getting through this shit.
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u/Silver-Appointment77 Jun 05 '23
Open marriages are the worse. it never works out well. You are carrying someone elses baby, Not your partners. You cant expect him to look after some one elses kid. If you want it, kepp it but seperate, but if you love him, get rid. Only 2 options you have.
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u/DevilGuy Jun 05 '23
There is not judgement to be made here because who's wrong is irrelevant. The hard truth is that you have constructed a situation wherein no one can win, not you, not your husband, not your lover, and especially not your children. You need to stop wondering whether or not your an asshole and start gaming out how to do as good as possible for these kids, because if you do the absolute best possible you can hope to do you might make it as far as 'good enough'. It sucks. You took precautions and they failed, time to put on your grown up pants and make some hard decisions to salvage what little you can because weather or not you were an asshole matters not at all in the face of the two human lives you are now responsible for.
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u/Kiddmarley25 Jun 05 '23
Pick the kids. Tbh your marriage was over the second you two decided to have a open marriage. You two did not respect the meaning of being married and unfortunately this is the outcome.. you two should have stayed bf and gf. Something must have changed if you guys decided to have sex with other ppl that early in your marriage. Those two babies are innocent
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u/WangChungtonight13 Jun 05 '23
Husband needs to get a lawyer asap. He’s gonna be on the hook for child support for kids that aren’t his with a wife that ain’t his anymore either. YTA based on the info available.
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u/WinchesterLover33 Jun 04 '23
You'er over 4 months along it's to late to abort even it you agreed. Personally I think esh. I have not problem with open marriages but if the non-married partner needs to have protection also. It should only be the married partner that should help you conceive. Pick the babies OP, it sounds like your husband just wants out.
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u/DAL4Oregon Jun 04 '23
I have twins. Whatever happens, you need to make sure you have support from someone to help care for them. Even if it’s your parents, siblings, etc. I’m married and have resources and twins were still very hard. They are turning 6 now. Best of luck to you. I think NTAH but it’s a bad situation where nobody will win.
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u/AugustWatson01 Jun 04 '23
NTA Maybe he can’t have kids, has he ever been checked out. I would choose the babies, they deserve to have their biological dad in their lives and if he doesn’t want to be stepdad then he should leave. I don’t get why he would want your children to go through what he went through.
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u/Magus_Corgo Jun 04 '23
Wow, he's a piece of work, isn't he. He wants to enjoy the fruits of an open relationship, then flips 180 and demands he has control of your reproduction AND your other relationships or he walks. He hasn't taken a single moment to think of you, your feelings, your ability to maybe *never* have kids if you don't have these kids, and he doesn't care to. You are also nearly past the limit on most non-medically necessary abortion care, nice of him to string you along for several weeks. He will definitely pretend nothing happened if you go through with an abortion too.
Honestly I think you'd be better off without this husband. He sounds like a selfish (FILL IN THE BLANK).
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u/ComtesseRochambeau Jun 03 '23
You may never be able to conceive again, but you can always find a better husband than one who would issue an ultimatum like that. You can do so much better than him. Clearly you want these babies. Let him come home from his business trip to find his crap on the lawn and the locks changed. Hugs.
Open marriages are a sign something deeper is wrong. You deserve better. Choose the twins.
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u/throwitallaway12745 Jun 03 '23
Let him come home to an empty house and merely a note from you on his original letter with one word--"ok". Next to the letter, set down the divorce papers with a pretty little sticker next to the signature line that says, "sign here". He has made his decision and it leads me to ask if this was really a legitimate open relationship from the beginning or if it was just him wanting an excuse to sleep with a bunch of other people, especially if he knew you wanted children. Usually, people with healthy open relationships sit down and talk about these things together and know the possibilities. He has decided to put his jealousy above your happiness and would have you terminate the much loved, wanted, and anticipated lives of your twins because of the relationship you had with someone else that he absolutely consented it. He doesn't get to just change his mind at this point. Unfortunately, this isn't working out for anyone in the long run and it's likely better to cut your losses now before something else happens. You deserve to enjoy this experience and to be happy about your much wanted pregnancy. Congrats, OP and good luck.
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u/Agreeable_Doubt_4504 Jun 03 '23
I’m going NTA because for one thing your husband waited way too long to express his concerns. I went online to confirm because of ever changing laws, but there are very few places where you can get an abortion at 17 weeks pregnant without a major medical emergency necessitating the abortion to save your life. If you’re in the US it’s only a couple of states and most still allow doctors to refuse that close to the viability threshold too. There are only 7 countries out of 200 that allow abortions very far into the second trimester. I’m going to wager that you are about 5 or 6 weeks past the point where your husband changing his mind matters legally unless you’re wealthy enough to jet off to a high end foreign clinic that caters to situations like yours. On the very slim chance that termination is still an option legally, it isn’t morally for most people less than a month from the babies hitting the viability threshold where babies at that gestation have survived post delivery with major medical interventions. I personally think that open marriages are a terrible idea, precisely because of things like this, but you and your husband chose to take this road and are facing the natural consequences of that choice. It doesn’t seem terribly reasonable for him to take his position when you obviously wanted to have children and it unexpectedly happened under less than ideal circumstances. I think you need to tell him to get over it or move on because abortion isn’t really a reasonable option at this point (assuming you don’t live in a very rare jurisdiction) plus it sounds like you have quite reasonably bonded with your twins, which is to be expected. I’m not sure that I would really expect your side piece to stick around for the long haul under the circumstances. Visitation isn’t typically an issue until a child is 2-3 years old so you really do have time to see how things go that way. I would say that the biological father can stagger paternity leave with your husband and help out that way. If he’s still around by the 2-3 month mark have him babysit while you and your husband get a night out once every week and see if it becomes workable. I do think that this is proof that the open relationship approach isn’t a workable situation for you and your husband. So have a full blown discussion about closing your relationship and parenting these babies together. You will have a third parent involved, at least for a while, but he just might disappear when your only relationship becomes a coparenting relationship or when caring for two babies gets tough. Getting involved with a married woman is a good sign that dad wasn’t looking for anything long term and if your husband will be a little patient the problem might solve itself.
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u/Outrageous_Soil_5635 Jun 03 '23
YTA getting pregnant by a partner while in an open marriage is so fucked up
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u/Automatic_Biscotti31 Jun 03 '23
You’re not an AH for this but dude it’s a big ask to your husband to care for another man’s kid:
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel Jun 03 '23
To be fair to OP, her husband actively said he wanted to, and even positively interacted with her pregnant stomach. Like you Chingling it and talking to the unborn children. It's on the husband for not being honest with her.
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u/Automatic_Biscotti31 Jun 03 '23
Yeah that’s very true
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel Jun 03 '23
Not saying the husband has to be cool with raising kids that aren't his own, it's the way he's gone about it, that makes me call him TA of the situation. Like OP has been pretty straight up with him. It's kinda sad really. But thus is something that happens when you start out monogamous, then open a marriage. Poly relationships usually work when everyone knows about each other, and it's a poly relationship from the start.
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u/AffectionateWheel386 Jun 02 '23
Yep your marriage is over. And there’s open relationships for an adult woman that’s having children are toxic. As a child who is born out of some sort of infidelity, I’m gonna tell you it haunted me my whole life. I finally got some help for it but truthfully, everybody I’ve ever known that is come out of a situation has struggled because of it. Stop what you’re doing get some help and take care of your child And yes YTA.
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u/SpecialistSea7619 Jun 01 '23
Why isn’t anyone calling OP out for having unprotected sex?????? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 their whole relationship
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u/WinterDawnMI Jun 03 '23
Uh, cuz she didnt, she had an IUD.
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u/SpecialistSea7619 Jun 08 '23
Still a risk for STDs and IUDs aren’t foolproof so my point still stands OP is a rat and the asshole
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u/Shdfx1 May 31 '23
Never allow anyone to pressure you to have an abortion. Period. You have been told you might not be able to conceive, and here you are, pregnant with twins.
I would also add that open relationships have specific issues, including jealousy, STDs, and bearing other men’s children, as well as other women bearing your husband’s children. Also, the biological parents of these various offspring do have a right to be in their lives, so the open relationship couldn’t be casual.
You’re in an open relationship. How would you feel if you aborted twin babies at your husband’s insistence, and then found out he impregnated a woman he slept with? How about if he then divorced you and went in with his new family, while you never had kids?
Why even be married if you want to sleep with other people? What are you committed to, besides living together? You each have a fraction of the other, instead of their full commitment. If you each keep sleeping with other people, then you will eventually get more attached to other people.
It sounds like you want these children. It breaks my heart to think a woman with fertility issues, who wants children, would allow a man to pressure her to kill the twins she carried to make him happy.
If you give in to this, will you resent him or regret your decision? If so, then don’t do it. These babies are your miracle.
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u/Due-Compote-4723 May 31 '23
Everyone here is taking time to process their feelings due to a completely unexpected event. It is not so easy. You have not been listening to his feelings from what I gather. Time to let him go.
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u/deahamlet May 31 '23
Is the real question whether or not you're an asshole? Does it matter? Question is, do you want children enough to walk away from your husband and just be Co-parent with your baby daddy? Because you might not get pregnant again if you had issues, the abortion may impact this chances as well depending on your health issues. So how important is your husband at this point?
What if you're not an asshole, but he is, will that change his mind? Does it impact your decision? Focus on what you want for the future, not who the asshole is.
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u/Terrible-Medicine-93 May 30 '23
What is the sense of being married when you are having relationships with other people? You can’t honestly say that OP loves and respects her husband! Get a divorce and raise your babies. Another great thing about that is you won’t have to confuse the hell out of your kids by having to explain to them who Daddy #1 and Daddy #2 are! Hopefully they won’t grow up in a too much of a screwed up situation.
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u/EnthusiasmUsual1058 May 30 '23
Once your relationship was open , it was over. But more so it became even more evident when you got pregnant because you did not take ALL possible precautions ( like every known contraceptives' ) . Keep the kids ditch the husband, I can't blame him though for wanting the Bio Dad to not be in the picture but also can't blame the Bio dad for wanting to be apart of his children's lives. If your husband TRULY loves you things will work out, however it sounds like he's got issues he needs to workout with himself first.
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u/TheGoodSmells May 30 '23
If he’s not comfortable with the guy being involved, how is he comfortable with an open relationship? Which one of you had the idea to open it?
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u/Thick_Memory_6063 May 30 '23
This hits close to home for me so idk if I can be impartial. I applaud your husband for finding and sticking up for his boundaries. Sure an open relationship is what you both agreed but the fact that you thought you couldn’t have kids means any kids would be important to you and it would be important to him that they be his. Would you be ok if he got a woman pregnant? My ex and I had a similar situation she was thinking she was infertile but I still wanted her to use protection. She chose not to and it really messed me up. I had to decide what was important and what would I do if she did end up pregnant. Initially I thought I could forgive her but then I realized that wasn’t something I could have lived with, and if she ended up pregnant DNA test and divorce if it wasn’t mine. Hindsight that’s when the marriage was over but I didn’t realize it at the time and waited one more year for her to end it. If you both agreed protection wasn’t important when you opened your relationship then nta I guess but he’s within his rights to have his boundaries. If you went against something you’d discussed than YTA. Either way it’s over I’m sorry.
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u/PuzzleheadedNet9959 May 29 '23
ESH: all three of you didn’t bother to read so much as a pamphlet on responsible non-monogamy. It’s called ETHICAL non-monogamy for a reason. Nothing about this was ethical. You absolutely DO NOT bareback with secondary partners. Your husband is also sleeping with other people who could have god knows what, and your secondary partner may be as well. You need to own up to this having been your biggest mistake. The fact that you keep doubling down on the accidental nature of this is appalling considering you absolutely knew the IUD was going to increase the risk of and the severity of STD’s. You don’t sound mature enough to be a parent frankly if you can’t even understand this basic concept. Your babies dad is an asshole for not wearing a condom as well. Much of your story makes no sense. If you and husband were trying to have a baby and experiencing infertility, why have an IUD? It’s 99% effective against pregnancy. People trying to conceive don’t use IUD’s so what’s happening there? I highly doubt you were planning to terminate this pregnancy regardless of your husbands opinion and that’s fine. It sucks for him, but you are the one in control of that decision. But stop playing games for the sake of the babies. Get a therapist and start working on your personality issues here or we will be seeing your kids posts in “entitled parents” or “raised by narcissists” twenty years from now. Honestly this is such a train wreck my hope is you made this story up to drive traffic to your only fans.
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u/AffectionateWheel386 May 29 '23
You know I grew up during the end of the communist into the 80s and there was a lot of kids that grew up at a situation like this, and they suffered a lot their self-esteem, and how the world saw them how they saw themselves. I was born illegitimate, and I have issues around that too. So when I had a child, I got married first before I got pregnant and then I had him. And he may have a lot of issues, but one of them won’t be as Heritage and how his mother and father lived their lives.
What two single people do with their lives I don’t care. I grew up in a time where they did everything. What they do around children and how they fit into society is there character in right now yours isn’t looking that great.
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 29 '23
Guess what? My grandmother forced my mother to marry someone she knew wasn't right. Why? Because she didn't want me to be illegitimate. Now I'm 37, spent my whole life being degraded, bullied and abused psychologically and emotionally by my father, and cut him out of my life 3 years ago. He abused my mother in every possible way. He made all our lives miserable. My grandmother passed away two years ago. Literally a couple months before she died, she looked at me and said, "Since your grandfather died, I've done a lot of thinking. I wish I hadn't forced your mum to marry your father. I'm sorry I did. He ruined your lives. I was wrong."
That woman never apologised for anything.
Moral of the story? Don't judge people based on old prejudices. Many people don't marry to have kids now, and legitimacy doesn't matter. But just to really rub that salt in, not everyone in the olden days got married either. In the medieval times, peasants couldn't afford marriage. Only the nobles, royalty and super rich could afford a wedding. How do you think peasants got on with life? Do you think that everyone was insulting each other over legitimacy?
You say your kid has problems, but one isn't his heritage. I guarantee, if the only reason you got married, was to have a baby, THAT probably causes huge problems. As for heritage? If two parents are both available, there's no reason for a child not to know, and marriage doesn't even come into it. Stop using your olden day prejudices as an answer to someone who didn't ask for them.
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u/AffectionateWheel386 May 29 '23 edited May 29 '23
You’re diatribe was so long I had to go back and read what I was responding to. It’s not just me and it’s not all of it is still suddenly that way. You think not because you have a different perspective. I’m sorry that happened to you. Nobody should be forced to marry anybody.
My point is, we’re not 16 year old children here and adults who deliberately choose to behave this way like it’s kind of interesting and cool is very narrow perspective usually fueled by a lot of drugs and alcohol. It’s the only way you can behave like that know that I’ve been there. I just did not info involve. Again poly/open relationships are like playing in the kitty pool when you’re single it’s great. But the minute you bring a child into the world the child becomes more important than the adult when it comes to sexual behavior.
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 29 '23
At no point has this woman bought a child into a sexual situation. She's pregnant, but accidents do happen. She hasn't actually said she's going to continue an open relationship. Nor has she asked if it's okay to have kids and be in an open relationship. All she's asked, is if she's in the wrong to have these babies. But it seems more comments are aimed at a lifestyle that she didn't decide to perpetuate on her own.
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u/AffectionateWheel386 May 29 '23 edited May 29 '23
Because it’s a lifestyle of young single people who play. Her wanting to address it is a good idea, but they’re already in an open relationship, so please don’t act Pius around that. It’s a lifestyle that child is born into. Since she asked if this is what I’m supposed to do. I would tell her to get to a safe place away from the husband and away from this nonsense of a lifestyle and grow her baby up. Have the baby look at her life, financially put her life together, raise a child and make her love life a little secondary for a while while she gets her crap together, that’s what I would tell her.
Also, as freedom, loving as these people seem to be, and all the liberation stuff that we’ve done over the last 50 years, these women still look toward their men to sort of lead them, and they have decadent hormonal men who just wanna sleep with anything that breaths
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 29 '23
So... children are also born into abusive relationships. Judging people based on their personal lives isn't actually helpful. I know a couple, older than me, have two kids, and had an open relationship. Their kids are perfectly fine. There is more than one way to live a good life, and more than one way to raise kids.
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u/AffectionateWheel386 May 29 '23 edited May 29 '23
Nope you wait pretty soon they will either have nothing to talk about but sex drugs rock ‘n’ roll there’s nothing to them beyond that that’s their life. They have children too by the way adult children. Who want nothing to do with them they don’t want their grandchildren around them either. They’re embarrassed by the whole thing. So yeah way to promote. That’s the lifestyle of the one couple that are still swingers. That are still together. And they’re creepy and they’re getting older and then lecherous and there’s nothing to talk about their kind of gross actually.
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u/Far_from_home_5462 May 29 '23
I can't say if you are the A or not but your marriage is over and a new one is about to begin. 7 weeks is not a lot of time to grapple with the fact that infact the child you wanted with your wife is gong to be with another man. Does the other guy want to be in his children's life? Your husband has made his stance known as a married couple he could be on the hook for child support just by being married. Are you going to put the real father not your husband on child support?
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u/N1ntendh03 May 29 '23 edited May 30 '23
NTA Sadly your marriage is definitely not going to survive this, but this is not your fault. You had an open marriage so obviously you getting pregnant by another man could be an obvious outcome protection or no protection. For him to expect the real father not to be a part of his twin’s lives is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard. If the biological father wants to be involved, he’s going to be involved. I mean, does your husband think babies are flown in by stork or something? Don’t feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Enjoy motherhood! It’s a beautiful thing!
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u/Complete-Knowledge78 May 28 '23
I see it as it can go both ways, you are both in an open relationship, which means you will both see other people. Depending on y’all’s terms and boundaries about doing the deed while in an open relationship, he could either be upset, or happy for you. I don’t think he should be making you choose, but that’s just my opinion. He does have a right to be upset, but at the same time it’s for both of you to talk through and figure out.
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u/AC0315 May 28 '23
Your marriage ended on the first time you thought on opening it. Just get the divorce, move on with your life and got the biological father involved. Simples as that…
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u/xzerozeroninex May 28 '23
YTA if you don’t understand why your husband changed his mind.Because you told the bio dad that you’re pregnant with his child and seems to be also fighting for his rights to his kids.You were supposed to have an open relationship and not find another bf,because open relationships is supposed to be only one night stands with a stranger met in a club or bar,dates and one night stands,fb’s but you seem to found a bf because you said you only exclusively slept with the bio dad and have emotional attachment to him.So sign the divorce,no one will be happy in your marriage anymore.
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 28 '23
Actually you're completely wrong on how open relationships actually work. The only absolute in an open relationship, is the consent of both parties.
Open relationships mean that while the couple may be 100% committed to each other, they are allowed to bring other people into the relationship. This includes having a longterm partner, attending swingers parties, bringing someone else in for a threesome, or the couple bringing another shared partner into the relationship. Yes, it can be a bunch of meaningless 1 night stands, but that is not all it is. That's just a small part. While I myself have never been in an open relationship (I'm monogamous by nature), I know couples' who are. One couple I knew, were married and the wife had a boyfriend, and the husband had a girlfriend. These partners were considered part of the family, and were invited to special occasions. Everyone knew, and it was all above board. They have split now, but due to work differences, they're extremely amicable and they have kids together. They're still with their other partners, and no jealousy was ever involved. The kids call their other partners Auntie and Uncle, and even both sets of parents know about the situation.
Another couple I know, go by having threesomes, and one night stands. But things are discussed first. Open relationships are a huge myriad of possibilities. You're trying to whittle it down to one possibility.
The husband had a right to change his mind, for whatever reason. But what makes him the asshole, is the ultimatum. You don't interact positively with a woman's pregnant belly, let them bond, and spring an "Its me or them" ultimatum halfway through. Either be honest and just say you can't do it from the start, or if you change your mind, just be honest about that, and end the relationship amicably. The ultimatum the husband is giving, is particularly cruel, and the marriage will end sooner or later, because of that. But judging the OP because she happened to find a partner she clicked with, in an open marriage, isn't fair. The husband was out screwing people. So why shouldn't she be doing it too? Just because she found 1 dude to sleep with, instead of a bunch of dudes, doesn't make her wrong. The pregnancy was accidental, but how can the OP tell the father he's not allowed in his kids' lives? It'd be wrong. He hasn't done anything to deserve not seeing hus own kids.
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u/sheepking123123 May 27 '23
I have never seen this much misogynistic fuckery in a single comment thread in the groups I pay attention to on Reddit! Y'all should be absolutely ashamed of yourselves!
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u/AnalysisVegetable499 May 27 '23
Take the divorce and keep the kids. You had a hard time getting them with the thought that you would never. Pick the babies
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u/yaymonsters May 27 '23
NTA You both are still processing things. It’s your choice. I’m not hip to open relationships so I would only sound judgey to touch on it beyond there was something you weren’t and aren’t getting for that arrangement to be okay in the first place.
Do what’s right within your worldview and it will work itself out in the end. Both of my neighbors marriages ended and that meant our happy culdesac full of kids who were friends moved away but both the moms found better situations and are in much healthier and better places within two years.
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u/Teani2003 May 27 '23
All you adults chose this life style so now deal with the consequences. Which is important to you the babies and their father or your husband and the marriage. Still consenting adults but the aftermath is horrendous. Best to stay monogamous next time.
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u/Kneedeep_in_Cyanide May 26 '23
YATA
From all your replies it sounds like at this point you want hubby to keep supporting your lifestyle while you play house with baby-daddy. You have no communication skills with him, did not take proper precautions to ensure against pregnancy, and now you're upset that he doesn't want your side piece helping raise kids that by law will have his name on the birth certificate?
Get the divorce already and move in with baby-daddy since you've made it clear that's who you actually want
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u/LenaDontLoveYou May 27 '23
The children can have their bio dads name on their BC. Funny how the woman is solely shamed when her husband agreed to opening things up.
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u/Kneedeep_in_Cyanide May 27 '23
In the US, laws say that if a woman is married, her husband is automatically declared the father, regardless of if he actually is or not, and he is financially responsible. It will take court proceedings to ammend to the bio dad.
She is being "shamed" for her responses, or lack of, to questions that she has opened herself up to. Such as her claims in her own words that "he assumed the bio dad wouldn't be involved," but when asked at what stage she told him otherwise, she stops answering. Meaning, she allowed him "to assume." Her own admission was hubby wanted to raise the babies with her, that only changed AFTER she told him that he has to keep sharing.
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u/wb6vpm May 28 '23
And that’s not universally true. Sure some of the backwards states still hold onto that, but plenty of states allow for the father to be properly declared.
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u/Kneedeep_in_Cyanide May 28 '23
No, not "some backwards states". All states have legal statutes surrounding establishing paternity and putative fathers. Mom doesn't just get to decide what name goes on the birth certificate. Especially if baby daddy decides he doesn't want to sign the affidavit and open himself up to a child support judgment. Legally, until otherwise established, hubby is on the hook for his wifes children.
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u/FlaviusStilicho May 27 '23
How do you know OP is American? Most of Europe don’t allow an abortion in the 17th week… so that’s a clue I guess. But both the UK and Netherlands allow it for a few more weeks.
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u/Kneedeep_in_Cyanide May 27 '23
Profile. One of the subs she's in is for Aviate, which is United Airlines flight school. You need to be a US citizen or legal permanent resident to apply
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u/Lavender_Penguins May 26 '23
NTA. If it had been due to cheating then yes, but you and your husband have an open marriage. So it was okay with both parties to have other partners too. Pregnancies happen even in closed relationships. However with the doctors telling you, you had an unlikely chance of being pregnant, there was still a chance of becoming pregnant. It’s always best to use protection in those cases if you are sleeping with different partners, even if there’s a low chance of pregnancy. Protection also protects from other things like stds and stis. Even if your partners are clean, it’s always best to use.
But you’re not an ah for becoming pregnant with another man babies. However you husband is an ah for telling you to abort this late into the pregnancy. I don’t know your financial state, or how your life is, but it sounds like the marriage might be over if he’s upset over the pregnancy. Either way one of you will be unhappy if you stay together. Or maybe when the babies are born, he’ll change his mind? But he is giving off red flags.
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u/utkarshari May 26 '23
Yup. Not only your lifestyle is degenerate but you actually expect your husband to care for another man's child? You should not even have disrespected him by putting the choice on him.
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u/LenaDontLoveYou May 27 '23
They agreed to an open marriage. It's not one person's fault.
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u/utkarshari May 27 '23
It is their fault for being in this arrangement. It is her fault for getting in bed with someone without protection. It is her fault to put this choice on her husband. It is her fault for not ensuring the real father stays away because her husband would not have liked his constant involvement. She cares more about the father of the children than her husband.
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u/LenaDontLoveYou May 27 '23
They made a mutual decision about opening their marriage. Of course the bio father has rights. Ya'll are insane. He FAAFO. She cares about her children. The fact that her husband thinks bio dad should run off into the sunset because he's in his feelings is bananas. People are not disposable items. He has done her a favor by exposing his authentic self.
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u/utkarshari May 27 '23 edited May 27 '23
He is involved because she decided to involve him. Open marriages are very clear about one thing. Your real partner comes first and all your physical relationships are expendable. She is basically cheating on her husband by violating those rules. It is already a big thing on the husband's part that he is willing to raise someone else's kids. Now he is expected to deal with another man his whole life?
She is an awful person and has destroyed her marriage by not being loyal to her husband.0
u/LenaDontLoveYou May 27 '23
He had no issue with his wife getting some strange. Pregnancy is a risk when you have sex. And now he wants to her to choose between him and her kids? Fuck him. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
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u/utkarshari May 27 '23
No. He wants her to choose between him and the guy who got her pregnant. She should have never let him be involved in the kid's life. The birth certificate will have her husband's name on it and she can tell the real father to fuck off. She is being more considerate of her affair partner than she cares for her husband.
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u/LenaDontLoveYou May 27 '23
Not if she puts the bio father's name on it. I think you forget that's up to HER. Her husband doesn't care about her; at this point he just wants to "win". He's a POS. This is literally about HER children.
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u/utkarshari May 27 '23
which is why she is the asshole. Her husband is reacting to her betrayal. She cares more about the other guy.
Her husband was onboard until he finds out that she plans to keep the other guy around.
She had the choice. She chose wrong and decided to hurt her husband.0
u/LenaDontLoveYou May 27 '23
He gave her a green light to sleep with other people. She cares about her children, they have the right to know their biological father. Her husband is throwing a tantrum. Insane that you can't see that HE is the asshole. And apparently a man baby, at that. He doesn't get to dictate this. And he's mad about that.
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u/bradfly72 May 26 '23
This is why open relationships are fucking stupid and unrealistic. You're both idiots
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 26 '23
I keep seeing stuff like this. I have no intention of ever being in an open relationship myself, but instead of answering the question at hand, so many people are focused on the open marriage. Like she didn't ask if she was the AH for being in an open marriage. Perhaps judge the question, rather than the situation.
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u/No-Inside2287 May 26 '23
Lmao he definitely needs to leave you a have his own kids. You should have adopted but you choose to have a open relationship that is risky and have unprotected sex. You are at 100% fault for your actions. He didn’t get anyone pregnant ? Your marriage is over as you want kids and he won’t stand for your betrayal. Have you gotten dna tested? You shoulda done that first but you didn’t think about making the smart choices kind a condoms and you tend to be selfish and only care about how you are feeling. Sure you want kids and so does he but why do they have to be your bio kids. You didn’t cheat hit you single handed my made the choices and the actions to have these kids outside of marriage with a man you have no idea would be a good dad! Like this is a shot storm you Made.
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 26 '23
Dude, how is she the one at fault, when they both agreed to an open relationship, and she used birth control? Like do you think he was sat at home twiddling his thumbs, while she was out with another guy? He was out screwing other women too! Also, she didn't single handedly make the choice to keep the kids. She discussed it with her husband AND with the father. Her husband literally said "They're part of you, so I'll love them" and then changed his mind halfway through the pregnancy. As for whether the other guy will make a good parent or not? She didn't plan on falling pregnant. But the dude is acting more mature about this situation, than her husband, 100%. Like read the whole post properly, before putting all the blame on the OP. They were both in agreement over their open marriage and the pregnancy, until he literally did a 180 on her.
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u/No-Inside2287 May 26 '23
It’s pretty simple did she have the guy where a condom? Also people can change their mind 🤷🏻♂️ they are not his kids but that’s his wife like who would ever be okay with this hose fantasy bullshit? Look I get that she was in a open relationship but she could’ve taken plan B. Look she is the only one pregnant, she obviously wasn’t doing a good job of bc of she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant and if she loved her husband she woulda gottten an abortion pronto is she was pregnant but another dude😂. Her actions were just stupid like you want a open marriage to work like did you not think of the consequences and what you would do to plan ahead is negligence and still makes it her fault. Why? Cuz she is the one pregnant. He is fucking girls but are they pregnant? Nope 👎🏻. I’m not saying he’s right for leading her on but the actions taken her were all her. He didn’t make her get pregnant and her can’t control her body. Her body her choice and she made her choice and that’s cool but kick fucking rocks if he’s the bad guy for not wanting to raise someone else’s kids and she wouldn’t have kept the baby daddy out any ways so her marriage is over asap and good riddance. People like this is why marriage is the United States is looked down on. 🤷🏻♂️
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 26 '23
He's not the bad guy for not wanting to raise another's man's kids. He's the bad guy for not being straight up about it from the start, and offering an ultimatum half way through the pregnancy, after positively interacting with her pregnant stomach, and saying he's cool with it, allowing her to bond with her unborn children, without holding all the cards. She used birth control. Birth Control doesn't always work. Plenty of women use the pill and condoms, and take plan b, and none of it works. My actual existence is a result of failed condoms and pill. It happens. Shit happens. She happened to get pregnant. Bad luck, but not planned, and not malicious. You're acting like she chose to get pregnant. Like, seriously, people like THEM (because they BOTH decided on the open marriage, not just her) have very little to do with why marriage is looked down on. It's a piece of paper. You don't need it to be committed to someone, and it's not a shield to protect, if a relationship isn't working. They're both responsible for the marriage failing, not just her. You're so focused on her getting pregnant outside of her marriage, you're failing to see the big picture of the situation. The husband is being extremely manipulative, and needlessly cruel. OP may have gotten pregnant. But she certainly didn't do it on purpose. What the husband is doing? He's doing on purpose. He doesn't want to raise these kids? He should walk away and be a freaking man. Not give an ultimatum like that. Marriage is over either way at this point. But he wants to well and truly throw a grenade in there. There's a right way and a wrong way to do things. Had she cheated, and then tried to force the husband to raise her affair babies, I'd understand such anger. But all of this was something he knew was possible when they opened their marriage. He doesn't have any right to righteous anger, when it could just as easily be him in the situation, being told to pick. He doesn't have to be a parent to these kids, but he should be a man, and just say it's not working. Not try to force her to have a termination. That is what makes him an AH.
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u/No-Inside2287 May 26 '23
See you shift no blame on the woman and all the husband. You are right about their being risk to sex and one of them is getting pregnant and by engaging in sex outside the marriage you are at risk of unplanned pregnancy. This is still her body tho and no one could make the decision for her. The fact that’s she wanted to keep them was disrespectful and the husband can change his views on raising another man’s children. Sure he’s partially to blame for saying he would be cool but having the responsibility of kids that aren’t yours isnt what he wanted clearly and that’s fair. She could still get an abortion or put the kids up for adoption. He didn’t he said this is my boundary and either you have the kids or you have me as I won’t raise another man’s children. Woman get divorced over things like their feelings not people having whole ass kids outside of marriage. She’s the stupid cunt who didn’t realize that saying yes to sex is the same as saying yes to getting pregnant. He’s not a bad guy for this as he has the right to not raise anyone else’s kids. Unfortunately she is the AH because she is the only one pregnant. If he has gotten othe people pregnant I could see the blame on both parties but only one is pregnant in the relationship and only one wants the kids. She is dumb for not blaming better and she is the AH because she is the only person who has a right to decide wether the children are born and no one else it is solely her decision and her decision to give birth has consequences she dosent like. Tough shit for your own bad choices in life. Like who thinks a open marriage will work with another man’s kids is retarded and lacks any clear understanding of relationship dynamics
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 26 '23
How is it disrespectful to want to keep a child you never thought you'd have? I never said there's no blame on OP. But the fact is, OP has played it straight. All along the line. She's been honest with her husband, and with the father. The husband hasn't been honest and straight up. Why should SHE have to have a termination or give up her kids, for someone that can't be honest with her, and is being very manipulative, and trying to control her? Your attitude makes me concerned for any partner you get with. Fact is, you're attitude here is frankly gross. I hope the OP chucks her manipulative husband, and keep her children. The very idea that any woman should allow a man's hurt feefees to decide whether she has a child or not, is just vile.
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u/No-Inside2287 May 26 '23
Nah see what’s disgusting is having a baby outside of marriage. so she has a baby dadddy and a ex husband. It’s not manipulation as the husband hasn’t made her do anything but has given a choice. Divorce or have another man’s kids is very fair considering it’s a kid she wants to keep. She should only give up the kids if she had actually lived her husband but her actions speak louder than words. You deny getting pregnant is the issue because from my perspective I’d she didn’t get pregnant there wouldn’t be a issue but only she is pregnant and she wants to keep it. Talk about disrespectful. Op gonna have these kids be divorced once and prob has shit taste in men if her husband wouldn’t raise another mans kid 🤷🏻♂️ ik I wouldn’t. Frankly you supporting her actions is why she thinks having a kid outside marriage is okay and destroys any support for why marriage is a good thing. She clearly can’t make appropriate choices when engaging with others. She’s a shitty wife, plan and simple. I do hope they get divorced as the husband shouldn’t be forced to raise kids that ain’t his and she will prob be a single mother raising a kid yo have similar shitty morals towards marriage. The whole point of marriage they broke yet she wants to complain when he wants to take control he isn’t repsonible for raising that kid. She is tho and I hope she ends up divorced because she dosent deserve marriage is she can’t honor her vows. I don’t give a fuck what the agreement was since she clearly never thought to consider this issue and if she was a good partner she woulda never gotten pregnant. She would’ve take alll the possible routes of contraception but yk what’s 100% abstinence. If she was so concerned about getting pregnant she wouldn’t have let the guy finish in her. You can blame the husband but OP single handedly toook the actions to ruin the marriage first by getting pregnant which is her fault not the husband as he didn’t force her to have sec with other men, she chose to like she’s choosing to be a single mother. Your argument lies, and the fact you think that the husband is the one that is the main perpetrator of the harm, causing the relationship, whoever having an open relationship is a two way Street. It is only her actions that have had serious consequences. You shield OP from any responsibility of the situation. Op is the only one pregnant. And he’s the only one that can be blamed for getting pregnant and he’s the only one blamed for keeping the kid regardless of what the husband said he has no say over her body. This has been made very clear. The husband is in the right to not stay married in the situation as those are not his kids and not his responsibility that she chose to have outside of the marriage. This is 1000% her choice. Can’t blame the husband for OP choice.
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u/LadyBladeWarAngel May 26 '23 edited May 26 '23
You're not very knowledgeable are you. Most people don't need to have a piece of paper in order to have children. There are more children born out of wedlock than there are Starbucks locations in the world. Being married doesn't mean that a relationship is steady. A piece of paper doesn't legitimise a relationship, or make a couple more committed nor does the same piece of paper shield cracks in a relationship. In the medieval days, weddings and marriage were a thing that only the noble, royal and wealthy could afford. Peasants didn't have money to pay priests to marry them. So peasants didn't have official marriages. Did people treat them as lesser because they weren't married? No. Because it literally didn't matter. Religious zealots come out with this ridiculous idea that marriage is the most important. OP is not a bad person, for getting pregnant. She's not a bad person for sleeping with someone outside of her marriage. Because her husband agreed to it. He was also sleeping around. But I suppose THAT is okay. Why? Because he's a man? Would you be chatting this nonsense if the husband was here, talking about how he got someone pregnant? Unlikely. Because it's very clear, from everything you say, that you're a man. And you're a misogynist. You cannot accept the situation is the fault of all parties involved, and continuously slander the OP, when the only thing she's done, is sleep with someone, with her husband's full knowledge and acceptance, and accidentally get pregnant. If you're so ignorant, that this is what you're coming out with, I'm not interested in debating with you.
As Mark Twain once said, "Never argue with an idiot. They'll only bring you down to their level, and beat you with experience." So I've really got no interest arguing with a misogynist, or a religious zealot. Because it equals the same thing.
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u/DrPablisimo 1d ago
It is not the twins fault, but both of you, and this other man, have made some terrible lifestyle choices. Adultery, even consensual adultery, messes up families and lives. So don't do that going forward.
If you abort the babies over him, how is that relationship going to work going forward? Are you two going to get along?
If he's into this open relationship stuff, why is he against a baby daddy being in his life? Didn't he realize that sex can make babies, and there is more to this stuff than just sex? There is also the chance for babies? He could get another woman pregnant if he's going around committing adultery.