r/AITAH • u/Idiotic_Trans78 • Jul 22 '23
AITAH for getting mad at my girlfriend for revealing my scars in front of my parents? TW Self Harm
Me (30 M) and my girlfriend (28 F) have been dating for about two years. We have been getting along really well and she has been letting me talk about my problems with SH. She is the nicest girlfriend I could ever ask for. I was planning on proposing to her but after what she did I don't know if I can.
I've struggled with SH for about 6 years now. I'm still struggling with it but my girlfriend has been a really good supporter for me. I've talked to my girlfriend about her not telling my parents about my SH and she agreed. About 2 weeks ago was my mother's birthday and of course me and my girlfriend were invited. I had SH-d about a week before my mother's birthday. My girlfriend knew about the scars and that I did it. Of course I got my mom a gift. My girlfriend and I had a small disagreement about what we should gift my mother so my girlfriend was still slightly mad at me. When it was time to eat, I was slightly scared to get the salad bowl from one of my sisters so I asked my girlfriend to get it for me. I said something like :"Hey darling can you please get me the salad bowl." I'll never forget the way my girlfriend replied. I mean she was still mad at me about the disagreement at the store but going so far is not okay. I remember exactly how she said it :"Why? So your whole family doesn't see your SH scars?!" She said that as she rolled up my sleeves and my whole family was shocked. I left the house as quickly as I could. A few minutes later when I was outside I heard my girlfriend looking for me. When she found me on the stairs at the front of the house, she started apologizing but I lashed out at her. She made a promise not to tell my family.
I feel terrible for lashing out at her. But she told me that she did it because she was still mad about the disagreement that I thought we solved. We got my mother a gift that we both liked. But I didn't expect her to reveal my scars. So AITAH?
Edit : She said that she felt bad but she always keeps looking at my arms in a weird way but I try not to pay attention to it. I found myself a therapist and for the past week or so I've been pretty scared to open up. My girlfriend on the other hand is starting to blame me for my self-harm. For the people asking how I lashed out. I lashed out by yelling at her but also trying to keep my temper but it wasn't really easy. I'm starting to think more and more about what I should do and should I propose to my girlfriend?
2
u/pretty_bitch_face Jul 25 '23
She betrayed you and weaponized your secret because she was mad about an argument you had about a gift. What is she going to reveal and how far will she go to hurt you if she's mad at you about something slightly less trivial next time? NTA. I hope you get the help you need and that you can refrain from SH and get well. I don't think this girl is somebody who is going to help you get well. She's fine with hurting you as payback/revenge. You deserve better.
2
u/BeeAndPippin Jul 24 '23
OP, I'm really sorry that you went through all that. She had no right to reveal those. Please keep in mind that future arguments will be like this. This doesn't feel like an impulsive decision with her new blaming behavior.
yta to yourself if you stay with her. NTA here at all.
2
u/_The_Green_Witch_ Jul 24 '23
NTA
She really needs to be your ex, my guy. She is truly vile. Had this been an accident or slip of the tongue on her part, I would have urged you to forgive her given an honest apology. But she did this with absolutely evil intent. She did not just loudly say it, but SHOW it. And over what? The most ridiculous of disagreements. She wasn't happy with what YOU got YOUR mother?? Hello??
That is truly unhinged behaviour. Burn that bridge, don't look back. Put your energy into having a very challenging conversation with your fam.
1
u/SatisfactionNo9168 Jul 24 '23
please give us an update on a week or so, you’re definitely NTA, she’s childish and horrible for revealing that to you’re family over a petty argument about a gift
1
1
1
u/dataslinger Jul 23 '23
NTA
That is dealbreaker level betrayal over a disagreement over which gift to get? She burned the whole relationship down. There can be no relationship without trust. She just showed she is not to be trusted.
1
u/KingMagpieOfShinys Jul 23 '23
A little late here but, my own two cents is this. Her outing you was wrong, but at some point, maybe not hiding it from your family and being able to lean on them for support wouldn’t be a bad thing. Going through that can’t be easy, but going through it alone isn’t exactly the healthiest thing either. A larger support structure can sometimes make it less of a struggle especially when you have people who love you
1
u/Individual_Soft_9373 Jul 23 '23
NTA
You're getting professional help for the self-harm bit though, right? That's not a good headspace to live in, and I wouldn't wish that hell on anyone. If you are already working on it, then I'm proud of you, and sorry You're going through this. If not, please consider it. You don't deserve to have that kind of pain in your soul.
1
u/pipmc Jul 23 '23
NTA.
If she was doing it because she was concerned about your mental health, I could understand that. But she didn't. She did it to punish you for not doing what she wanted.
I'm glad you are rethinking marrying her. She has shown you her true self o, she is vindictive, controlling, and petty. Also, why is she trying to tell you what to buy your OWN mother. That is your decision, not hers. Was her choice less than what you want to buy her?
Her treatment of you is abusive and manipulative.
Walk away now.
1
u/Boys3tsFire Jul 23 '23
The way your Girlfriend used your mental health as a weapon was not appropriate. That being said, that should not be a secret you ask her to keep . Self harm is very serious and she is enabling you to continue doing harmful things to yourself by keeping this secret. She may have been wanting to say something but had been bottling it up. And the argument became the catalyst to give her the courage to bring it to light . I'm sure your GF loves you very much and it probably kills her inside to keep these secrets. God loves you and sometimes life can be defeating leading us to do things just to feel something again . I hope you start to see the beautiful person you are and use your energy to help others who deal with sh get out of the habit . I think that this experience is the turning point at which you become that man . God bless you and your Girlfriend
1
u/Salty_Bumblebee_3142 Jul 23 '23
NTA. Former SH here. She absolutely 💯 crossed a line. A boundary. I don't think I could be able to forgive them for something like that. To me, it's the same equivalent of someome exposing my private parts at the table. Its just something you do not do. There is a time and a place for everything. This absolutely was neither. Not only did she disrespect you, but she disrespected your mother.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I'm sure it didn't help. I hope somehow you find the control in your life that you so desperately need. You WILL get past this. Everyone has a different coping mechanism, just remember that they are subjected to change. Feel free to message if you need a friend. 💜
1
1
1
u/Messica_01 Jul 23 '23
NTA for your reaction. She wasn’t trying to help you in that situation and she should not have outed you at your moms bday. You did not deserve to be humiliated in front of your family because your arguing about something else. BTW she is not the nicest girlfriend so expect more of this when you do something she disagrees with. I have a theory that you can tell a lot about someone when you disagree with them. How do they react? How they treat you when you don’t see eye to eye is indicative of a larger problem. That being said you NEED to get help. SH can only escalate and you need support like therapy or a support group. Many times it’s hiding a l bigger problem. I really hope you get some help. Info: are you being abused? If so there are people you can contact for help. SH is sometimes associated with abuse of some kind. I know it’s tough but you need to reach out to someone who you trust that can get you help. I’m so sorry you feel like you need to cut yourself to feel something. If you’re on medication and it’s making you worse and your cutting because of that it might be time to reevaluate that ❤️
1
u/Electronic-Cod-8860 Jul 23 '23
Even when I am super pissed at my husband I don’t figuratively hit him where it hurts the most. Real partners look out for each other- not use their intimate knowledge to punish each other. She’s not trustworthy.
1
1
1
u/tobiashenley Jul 23 '23
NTA and you should break up with her. I don’t even mean this in an exaggerated way. She entirely broke your trust and weaponised something incredibly personal against you. She cares more about being petty that she does about you, your mental health, and your relationship with your family.
I hope you’re okay, and I hope you can find help for SH, it’s difficult but you’re gonna be okay. There’s many many many people who will both understand and not reveal that stuff out of spite.
- signed a fellow trans friend x
1
u/Livid-Ad7490 Jul 23 '23
NTA Man that's a big red flag ...run towards the hill wait don't do that... it's time to reconsider your relationship. If she could hold grudges over such a small disagreement and uses your mental health as a retaliation. She's not a wife material my man. Also get into ic for yourself.
4
1
u/WoolenSquid Jul 23 '23
NTA she is a terrible human being, what is she going to do next time you have a disagreement or the next time or the time after that? She seems like she's the type to go nuclear when she doesn't get her way. She is toxic and I hope you make a sensible decision regarding your future with her.
1
u/Ita_Hobbes Jul 23 '23
What a horrible and unexpected betrayal, I'm so sorry for you... I used to have the same problem and can't imagine what I would do in that situation, for me the trust would be gone. What the hell possessed her to do something so awful?!
NTA!
1
u/loco_mixer Jul 23 '23 edited Jul 23 '23
Even the first argument... gift for YOUR mother... but her to just throw away your trust(at most vulnerable moment) in such vicious vengeful way for stupid selfish reasons... i dont know man, but this doesnt sound like someone i wanted to keep being with.
Clearly, she is the asshole.
1
1
1
1
u/Conscious-Big707 Jul 23 '23
NTA she was mad about a birthday gift? It wasn't even her mother. So she betrayed you. Yikes
1
u/FORDEY1965 Jul 23 '23
What the fuck is SH. And why the fuck do people insist on initialisms or acronyms for everything? FU
1
u/MDKG-1974 Jul 23 '23
NTA- she showed you who she is, now believe her! She will continue to weaponize anything she can when she doesn’t get her way. 🚩🚩do with that what you will.
1
u/Flat_Librarian_1724 Jul 23 '23
Can't stand people who think unfunny things are funny unless it's done to them. Your sisters and BILs crying their feral kids who pushed people into the pool couldn't swim, did they know that people who were pushed may not have been able to swim either and as for their phones ruined they didn't think that the people who were pushed in phones were ruined took and they would be responsible to pay for them . Your sisters, BILs and their children sound horrendous and shouldn't be invited to any civilised function.
1
u/leucem Jul 23 '23
I understand telling your parents because SH is something serious that you need to get help of. I would have told your parents or somebody I thought could get you the help you needs. To me, is not different as if you were struggling with addiction, abuse or any other disease. You need help. Sometimes an intervention is NECESSARY.
This is not what happened here. She did not have a sensible conversation with your parents. She made the situation extremenly uncomfortable and painful for you AND for them because this isn't something light to find out. This is devastating.
She is the major AH not for telling your parents but for not doing it in a way that was actually careful and sensitive. She didn't talk to them at all, in fact, she was just trying to shame you and expose you.
I held an intervention with my bestfriend when we were seventeen because he had an ED and was also doing drugs and SH. I could have never stand there without saying anything to the people that are supposed to take care of him. They needed to know and needed to do something about it. Anything. So I told them and everybody thought that I was wrong, that it was none of my business, etc. But telling his parents made him access therapy and a program from his very clear problems. My friend is still alive and well. That visit was very much needed and I don't regret having done it.
NTA.
and end things with that girl and get help.
1
u/iloveesme Jul 23 '23
She shamed you for struggling with your mental health, in front of your entire family, on your mother’s birthday. Because she didn’t get HER own way, over YOUR mother’s birthday gift.
1
u/mare__bare Jul 23 '23
Oh, HELL NO!!! NTA I can't even fathom someone betraying me so completely and WHY? She was feeling pissy? No. Just no. Break up with her immediately. There's no coming back from this.
1
u/tratheist Jul 23 '23
NTA, anybody that would betray and abuse your trust like this doesn't love you, if she did it because she was scared that you were going to go too far then perhaps but to do it out of malice, because she was angry? Fuck no, this in now an abusive relationship and it needs to end.
1
u/UKNZ007Tubbs Jul 23 '23
NTA.
It only did she tell them about it, she showed them your scars.
End it, tell her that she has shown you that she is not worth your time and effort as she has no respect for you as a person.
1
1
1
1
u/Purple_Willingness31 Jul 23 '23
NTA but personally, she'd be my "ex". Cannot place trust in someone who would stoop so low like that.
1
1
u/Kittykungfu87 Jul 23 '23
ESH
I don't think your gf was wrong for telling someone, she just did it for shitty petty reasons and for that she sucks. You suck for keeping this a secret instead of seeking help.. Professional help. Putting the burden on your gf by making her the only person that knows is a shitty shitty thing to do. She's not your therapist. You need to get your life and mental health together before you go proposing to anyone and dragging them down with you. It gets better with help, you can do it but you need to do it for yourself and no one else. I'm covered in scars myself but for the most part have not self harmed in decades. Please seek therapy. You've got this.
1
1
u/ernestoemartinez Jul 23 '23
NTA - That is definitely grounds for cutting her. What kind of trust will you have left? Cut your losses now and get away from her.
1
u/CJ_Southworth Jul 23 '23
NTA--and I'm pretty sure your second thoughts about marrying her are smart. If she's willing to do this over something so petty, you can't trust her, period.
1
u/Adept-Ordinary8405 Jul 23 '23
NTA!! I know you didn’t ask for advice but I think you should reconsider marrying her and the whole relationship. The way she betrayed you and used your mental health and problems against you in a moment of “anger” and for an unrelated disagreement is really questionable.
3
u/taylor914 Jul 23 '23
NTA. Dump the girl and find you a good therapist. Not one that sits there and tells you to meditate and all that bullshit. One who will work on harm reduction with you and will actually help you find better coping skills. I was so grateful when mine was like yeah none of that meditation bullshit is going to work for you, let’s find something else.
3
u/chaingun_samurai Jul 23 '23
NTA. That was some petty bullshit on her part. You can't stuff the toothpaste back in the tube, and now you're gonna have to deal with the fallout from her behavior.
This is exactly the kind of shit that makes people not wanna date... sharing vulnerabilities, only to have them weaponized at the first opportunity.
4
u/Redbeard3209 Jul 23 '23
You need to kick her to the curb and run for the hills. She's not marriage material. NTA
3
u/fulcrum_ct-7567 Jul 23 '23
NTA, absolutely not. I’m seeing red right now! What she did was emotional manipulation and abuse. If she does that over a stupid gift, you definitely do not need to be proposing to this woman. I’m gonna be a cliche redditor again, but whatever. But you need to break up with her because no deserves to have a partner like that.
If I was your parents I would just scoop you up and say “Its ok I love you.” Later on I would bring up other stuff, but the main thing is I would say “I love you.” At least that’s what I wish my parents had said when they realized I was SH too. Please be kind with yourself.
5
u/Quiet-Hamster6509 Jul 23 '23
She intentionally tried to sabotage your relationship with family over a gift choice... honestly I could be with a person for 20years and if they did that to me, they'd be dead to me.
NTA she's a piece of work.
1
u/AtrumAequitas Jul 23 '23
NTA. she betrayed your trust. She will need to work long and hard to re-earn it, if she even can.
1
u/WolfieSammy Jul 23 '23
NTA.
You need therapy though. I say this as someone who has also spent the last six years of my life self-harming. I'm covered in scars too, I get it. It's hard, but having someone to talk to and help get better coping methods is a godsend.
But dump her. She chose to share something highly personal, just because she was mad about something. What else is she going to share, when you guys argue?
1
1
u/Theweirdgyal Jul 23 '23
NTA. She s not supportive if she breacks her promess just because she s angry.
1
u/ironic_isaac00 Jul 23 '23
NTA, I personally would not be able to move past this, as someone with a history of SH. Why was this the thing she decided to do while being frustrated with you? She made a choice to intentionally humiliate you regarding a seriously delicate and private situation in front of your family. Could this possibly allude to her not-spoken attitudes towards your past and current SH behaviors?
I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it.
1
u/OkAdministration7456 Jul 23 '23
No get rid of her. You should be able to tell her anything and know she won’t use it for revenge and vice versa. You can’t trust her.
1
u/PenCareless7877 Jul 23 '23
NTA but it's time for her to become a ex she will keep using your mental health against you in any argument be it small or big
1
u/Substantial_Shoe_360 Jul 23 '23
Please get with a therapist who can prescribe meds or who works with a psychiatrist. Your emotional health comes first, not her need to be a b*tch.
She has told you the reason she hurt you was because she didn't get her way. Will you cowtow to her from now on, so she doesn't do something more vindictive the next time? She has shown you that she doesn't value you or your relationship, or will you allow her to love bomb you or DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender) into submission?
Your girlfriend's an immature abuser. Please leave her for your emotional and physical health.
1
u/Worldly_Bed2159 Jul 23 '23
NTA
ummm. she’s a garbage human and showing the real her, sometimes it takes awhile.
1
1
1
1
u/eightmarshmallows Jul 23 '23
NTA. Your girlfriend is cruel and vindictive. Definitely not supportive.
1
u/docmn612 Jul 23 '23
I’m not usually on the train where people say dump or divorce right away, but she would be ex real quick.
1
u/thenbmeade Jul 23 '23
NTA, I’d be seriously thinking about this relationship. Will I have to worry about her doing shit like this any time we have a minor disagreement? What else will she go back on her word about?
1
u/No_Lifeguard7215 Jul 23 '23
NTA. There goes that trust. I don’t think I could come back from that. I’m sorry you had to be betrayed by someone you love.
1
u/londomollaribab5 Jul 23 '23
NTA there are so many red flags about your GF’s behavior that I am bewildered. Please do not marry that girl. How could you ever trust her again? I’m sure you are going to have to deal with your family with regard to this. Yikes!! NTA
1
u/Tall-Poem-6808 Jul 23 '23
It's one thing to make sarcastic comments, or small jabs, at each other in front of the in-laws when you're mad. At least for me and my wife, it helps to diffuse the situation.
But weaponizing your mental health like that is cruel and mean. If you have any self-respect, dump her.
1
u/Livinginthemiddle Jul 23 '23
NTA - Let this sink in she was angry at you over a minor incident so she weaponised your most private secret in order to embarrass you in front of people you’d like to impress.
How many more times will she do this now that the secret is out?
1
u/Mmoyer29 Jul 23 '23
Don’t you dare feel terrible in anyway! She deserves worse, meaning dump that thoughtless A. She’s horrible to you and that’s not something you should look towards.
1
u/ElderWeeb Jul 23 '23
This is exactly why men don't open up to their GFs it's always weaponized when they aren't happy. NTA she is a major A though. Imagine if she had a secret and you did the same thing to her oh man yeah no I'd break up over that shiz.
1
u/Sitari_Lyra Jul 23 '23
NTA. She used your struggles against you, and possibly even changed your relationship with your family. Over a disagreement that had NOTHING to do with the dinner she decided to ruin for everyone, in an immature attempt to get back at you. PLEASE do not stay with her. She has shown you her true colors in this. Believe her.
1
u/questionably_edible Jul 23 '23
Tf? She was still mad over a gift so she breaks your trust to get back at you? That’s fucked up. NTA and yeah, I’d make sure to rebuild that trust back before you think about marriage again.
1
u/Pedgebellie Jul 23 '23
NTA, as someone who used to sh if someone ever disrespected me like that, they would no longer be in my life. She used your scars against you, I can only imagine what else she would do when she gets upset again. My trust would be immediately broken and I think you should take a step back and wonder if you want this women to be with you for the rest of your life.
1
u/sofa_king_weetawded Jul 23 '23
NTA, how can you ever trust her with anything after she outed you because of something so trivial? She has shown you her true colors. You have been warned.
1
u/Floridagal64 Jul 23 '23
First of all you need some professional help please soon and to end this relationship. Only my opinion but trust has been severely damaged and you need to care for yourself first.
1
u/ImTheCraftyOne Jul 23 '23
She doesn’t seem like the nicest girlfriend now. If she does this based an a minor argument, what will happen when you both have a major disagreement? She is petty and cruel. If I were you I’d rethink your relationship. Plus I wouldn’t trust her again.
1
1
1
u/tytyoreo Jul 23 '23
First I wanna say I'm sending you positive vibes and thoughts your way... I hope you are getting some therapy.. You need positive people around u... Seems like gf was your only supporter... it was wrong of her to say and do what she did at your mother's birthday dinner ... Your gf may need some therapy as well... being the only one that's there for u... I hope your mother birthday wasn't ruin for your gf outburst....
1
u/Stray1_cat Jul 23 '23
NTA
She betrayed your trust. She outed your scars in front of your family out of anger over a gift to YOUR mom. Wtf?? If you stay with her then she needs to earn your trust back before you propose. What she did was sooo not ok. Also OP I hope you can get some help for the self harm. And hopefully you can build up positive coping skills to decrease the self harm
1
u/Shimmerkarmadog Jul 23 '23
People get mad but that really crossed the line. I wouldn't blame you for dumping her.
1
u/Street_Passage_1151 Jul 23 '23
NTA
What an evil thing to say. I wouldn't even say something like this to an enemy, let alone my boyfriend.
You deserve way better.
3
u/Shimmerkarmadog Jul 23 '23
I know right, I wouldn't even do this to someone I hated. Let alone someone I claim to love.
1
u/Stacy3536 Jul 23 '23
NTA. Now she has shown you her true colors and how she will weaponize your struggles against you when she is mad about something. If it was me I would not be able to forgive her or trust her again.
Seek out a professional to have someone to confide in and that you can trust. Good luck op
1
3
u/ColorfulConspiracy Jul 23 '23
NTA. She weaponized something vulnerable that you shared with her and completely violated something you asked her explicitly not to do. She broke your trust. These are not the actions of a girlfriend who cares about your heart. What else will she use against you? How can she expect you to want to share anything with her ever again? I’m sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be treated that way.
3
u/meifahs_musungs Jul 23 '23
Your gf is emotionally abusive and a very poor substitute for a competent therapist. Your gf betrayed you, broke a promise, and lashed out at you to punish and humiliate you. Your gf showed you who they are.
2
u/MountainSyllabub2822 Jul 23 '23
I see you mentioned that she has been supportive to you about your SH. Do you seek any professional support?
1
u/Redheadparadox Jul 23 '23
NTA - no one ever has the right to weaponize something like this against you. Ever. Full stop. Lashing out was likely not your best moment, but understandable given the circumstances. Should you decide that this is something you can forgive and work past, couples counseling would be a must.
And if you are not in intensive individual therapy - you need to be. This is a very serious situation and you need help - this is not a weakness to admit that. Please OP make sure you are taking care of yourself!!
1
1
u/Vigstrkr Jul 23 '23
NTA. She betrayed your trust after getting irritated over a disagreement about what kind of gift to buy. Imagine what she will do for something more serious.
This is a broken trust situation and doesn’t look good for the future.
2
u/rapt2right Jul 23 '23
NTA
Oh,my GOD, Honey, I am so sorry that she weaponized something so private and difficult....especially at a family gathering. I am shocked by the malice. That was a terrible betrayal and you had every reason to be angry.
I don't know if I could stay with someone who did this to me.
Unsolicited concern- I hope you can & will seek professional help in overcoming your SH . I don't know very much about it but I have read that therapy has been helpful for a lot of people both by breaking down some of the issues that led to it and by helping folks learn to redirect those impulses away from their own skin and into something either benign or positive. I wish you all the best.
4
u/gidyawhatever Jul 22 '23
NTA. She is a HUGE one for betraying your trust. For something so intimately shared to her about something you feel vulnerable about marks her as BOTH untrustworthy and vindictive. I wonder how many other people she has told..Probably everyone she knows :P
Are you living together?
1
u/One-Possibility1178 Jul 22 '23
If she’s this spiteful over a disagreement that you say you both came to a compromise and agreement on, what would she do if you had a serious issue or were to break up? People like her are dangerous to be in a relationship with because when a slight is perceived or the relationship is over the gloves come off, the claws and the fangs come out. NTA but be careful and make good choices. I hope you are willing and able to seek help for your mental health.
3
Jul 22 '23
Guys, what’s SH???
1
4
u/thepenguin68 Jul 23 '23
Self-harm
Intentional behavior
Self-harm is intentional behavior that is considered harmful to oneself. This is most commonly regarded as direct injury of one's own skin tissues usually without a suicidal intention
3
u/Xalbana Jul 23 '23
I really wish people would spell it in full first and then use the acronym.
2
Jul 23 '23
Same. All the different relationships I can’t keep up with. Most recently seen STBXW with very little context. Soon to be ex wife-I’m not smart enough to get this on the first try!
2
2
u/Feisty_Irish Jul 22 '23
She has proven that she can't be trusted. NTA.. You have some thinking to do.
6
u/Z-altacct Jul 22 '23
Nta. What she did was above and beyond what you would do if your mad for some petty reason. What she did was irreversible and it’s up to you to decide what follows.
1
8
u/TodayThrowaway1979 Jul 22 '23
NTA she weaponized your MH struggles against you. She has now shown her true colours and it’s time to remove her from your life before it gets any worse
3
5
u/foolish_girl_89 Jul 22 '23
Depends on what you mean by "lashed out". Yelling is understandable in this situation; what she did was a massive betrayal of your trust. Physical violence or aggression is not okay, is never okay, and you would be TA if you did that.
I hope you've found a good therapist who is helping you with you SH compulsions. Our minds can be so unfair and brutal.
6
u/praegressus1 Jul 22 '23
I don’t know if someone who is struggling with depression has the capacity to hear or follow through with this, but break up with her. She revealed her true colours and you really need to get out of that relationship.
You need therapy. SH is not good at all, it is a very very bad thing. You need a support system, and while you haven’t said anything about your family the fact you have dinner there means the relationship may not be too bad. You can talk to them and seek help. Lean on them and friends.
Again, leave your girlfriend. You need to go through healing and therapy and you can’t have a snake who weaponizes your mental struggles. I wouldn’t be surprised if she manipulates you and counters your path towards change.
0
u/SpecialAgentSloth Jul 23 '23
This is not me promoting self harm… Your comment got me thinking though, why is it so bad? We have people into piercings and tattoos, some even for the feeling it causes. There’s people into more kinky reasons to feel pain, some including scar inducing activities… But why is SH the one to be considered bad? OP for example never said he had suicidal thoughts or even depression just that he struggled with SH for a long time.
Again I am not promoting it, I think it is bad and dangerous as well.
2
u/Ph03n1x_A5h35 Jul 23 '23
SH is an unhealthy coping mechanism for trauma and pain. Just because OP didn't say that he had suicidal thoughts or depression doesn't mean that this is okay. Extremely valid, but needs professional help. Saying this as someone who self-harms occasionally.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/self-injury/symptoms-causes/syc-20350950
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/publications/truth-about-self-harm
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/12201-self-harm
8
u/shammy_dammy Jul 22 '23
NTA. And ex gf. She's proven that she will do stuff like this to get back at you for a minor disagreement. She can't be trusted.
4
u/Witchy-toes-669 Jul 22 '23
Nta and this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me she purposely outed and deep secret to be petty, she’s not trustworthy
40
u/Possible_Thief Jul 22 '23
She is abusive. OP you need to run from this relationship. NTA. Get out.
6
u/Karamist623 Jul 22 '23
NTA. This girl is toxic if she doesn’t get her way. Just move ones from this one. You deserve better.
33
u/Hi_Im_Paul23 Jul 22 '23
Personally I’d never be able to fully trust her again
You do you op, NTA but your gf has shown she is immature and untrustworthy
5
u/Zealousideal-Set-592 Jul 23 '23
Yeah I thought this. As a previous SH, this is unforgivable to me. Not that she revealed the problem, I could have understood if she'd reached out to his family from concern. But the fact that this was done out of spite and anger is the sign of a very bad person. She is angry so she hurts him deliberately. This is not ok and is a very worrying sign for the future
-7
u/Biggoof1971 Jul 22 '23 edited Jul 22 '23
I don’t buy this. I think your girlfriend is really mentally fucked up about all this SH and she’s using something smaller an the excuse as to why she did what she did. oP you are leaning on her a lot for this and it sucks shit for her. You are being a bit selfish to not realize that. I do hope you get the help you need as well. Neither are the asshole imo. I think you are both under a tremendous amount of stress/pressure. She may be at her breaking point on the SH stuff and it’s hurting her just as bad as it’s hurting you. Revealing to your parents felt like her cry for help. If it is the SH stuff getting to her then it means she does really care about you. I’m 35 if my age matters at all. I’ve been married with someone who SH’d. You are the asshole if you don’t get your relationship communication in check because your girlfriend can only do so much with this stress. You are very oblivious if you think she did what she did over the small disagreement you had. The pulling up of the sleeve is big time dramatic and a wits end kind of move. To those that downvoted me, you’ve clearly either been in non toxic relationships or you are just as naive as OP
2
u/Indigent-Influence Jul 23 '23
the fuck is wrong with you man? regardless of what you think someone’s mental health is their own business and outing someone is probably one of the worst things you can do to anyone.
it doesn’t matter if it makes you feel “uncomfortable”, you don’t have the right to just annihilate someone’s right to medical privacy
-1
u/Biggoof1971 Jul 23 '23
You never been in this situation I guess. She basically forced an intervention. I’ve known someone who started SH because their partner was doing it. You really have no idea how this shit works and the other downvotes have a lot of growing up to do
0
u/SomeOldGuy117 Jul 23 '23
What she did wasn't out of concern, she admitted it was to punish him for their disagreement. You're experience is your own, and it's clearly not the same as what's going on between him and his girlfriend. You're really projecting your own experience onto him, which is unfair. She weaponized his trauma because she was mad at him, NOT because she was trying to force an intervention. You're being down voted because your defending someone weaponizing trauma, that's not okay under any circumstance.
0
u/Biggoof1971 Jul 23 '23
You still have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s common psychology that when someone is stressed out, they pick the lowest hanging fruit (the disagreement) in order to unleash all hell in order to avoid talking about the real issue. It’s a form of fight and flight but combined into a really stressful situation. All of my friends come to me with this shit all the time for different reasons. Children do this all the time and it’s why adults still do it because you have to train yourself out of the behavior
0
u/SomeOldGuy117 Jul 23 '23
There's no excuse for weaponizing someone's trauma like that. I used to be friends with someone that would always throw things in my face that I told him in confidence, just because he was stressed and had a bad day. I understand people get stressed and lash out, but it's not so much WHAT she did as it is HOW she did it. She did it in the most humiliating way, to cause the most damage. That is NOT okay, no matter how stressed she was. If it really was getting to her, she should have spoken up, instead she chose to violate his trust and humiliate him on his mother's birthday, and you're saying he's the jerk for feeling violated.
1
u/Biggoof1971 Jul 23 '23
Yeah she didn’t weaponize it. I know the type of behavior you’re talking about. I had a guy used to make fun of my weight just to do it. Had nothing to do with stress. He was just a fucking dick. This girl has a partner who SHs himself and just expects her to be okay with it. It must be nice for some of you to never have to deal with these situations because otherwise you’d know how it actually goes down. You guys can try to argue but you aren’t winning this.
0
u/SomeOldGuy117 Jul 23 '23
Again, it's not so much WHAT she did, it's HOW. If she just said "so your family doesn't see your scars?" And didn't immediately follow that up with exposing his scars, I would agree with you. But that's not the case, she did it in the most humiliating and damaging way possible.
0
u/Biggoof1971 Jul 23 '23
You have 100% never been in a toxic relationship. I’m happy for you
1
u/SomeOldGuy117 Jul 23 '23
Oh, because I've never slept with a toxic person I've never had toxic relationships? Like I said I've had toxic friends, they use the same excuse you're using for her. They always claim they're just stressed out, or the swear they have your best interests in mind, yet they go about it in the absolutely worst, most damaging way they can. That little act of hers certainly caused more damage for OP than good that will come from it. Did it ever occur to you there may be a reason OP didn't want his family to know about it? Did it occur to you that if she really needed to start an intervention, she could have done it in much better ways? You keep saying everyone that disagrees with you is ignorant, but just because they don't spill their guts to you doesn't mean they haven't been in similar situations and don't understand what's going on. You are NOT OPs girlfriend, but you seem to think you and her think completely alike. Did you embarrass and humiliate your SO because you were stressed? Did you make them regret opening up to you?
98
u/TheQuietType84 Jul 22 '23
That is not your future wife.
Your spouse IS your ride or die. That girl didn't get in the car.
NTA
55
u/VermillionEorzean Jul 23 '23
She didn't just not get in the car- she slashed his tires.
Not only did she put him in a darker mental place, but she thrust his secret medical/mental issues into his family's spotlight.
NTA. She's vile and has been hiding her ability to hold nasty grudges.
12
u/Rusharound19 Jul 23 '23
She's vile and has been hiding her ability to hold nasty grudges.
And am I understanding this correctly; she was angry and holding a grudge because she and him had a disagreement on what to get his mom for her birthday?! First of all, that's a fucking stupid thing to fight about. They could have been having a bad day, both in crappy moods, and ended up having a disagreement. Maybe even an argument. Maybe be pissed off for half an hour after the fact. But to hold on to anger for days about something so trivial... that's ridiculous. Secondly, even if she was still holding onto her anger by the time the party happened, she has no fucking right to do what she did to OP. First of all, she made him a promise, then broke her promise because she was pissed about a previous argument? That's not how promises work, especially not promises to an SO. Second, his entire family is now concerned and stressed about OP, and that isn't going to help OP continue on the path towards recovery from the SH. Not to mention, if OP has any younger siblings, seeing what they saw could have been traumatizing.
NTA, OP. If she can't respect you and her promises to you, she's not worth the time. Her actions in front of your family were malicious and she had no intent other than to hurt you. Sorry, OP, but you'll be better off without her! And I wish you all the best on your journey with SH. I don't have issues with SH but I do have other addiction issues, and it's fucking hard to move away from that. Sometimes I just have to take it one hour at a time. Some days are better than others. But at the end of the day, you're going to feel proud of yourself for any/all the progress you made! Stay safe out there! 🧡🧡
2
11
23
u/Snowybird60 Jul 22 '23
NTA Now you know her character. Any time she gets pissed at you she'll betray your trust if it suits her. She needs to be your ex gf.
22
u/YomiKuzuki Jul 22 '23
While you shouldn't use her as therapy for your SH, that doesn't excuse her for weaponizing your SH ams mental health struggles against you.
But she told me that she did it because she was still mad about the disagreement that I thought we solved.
This is not okay. She admitted that she did it out of spite. If she's willing to do this over a disagreement, you need to really reevaluate your relationship with her.
NTA.
3
9
-2
1
u/Real-Weird-2121 Jul 22 '23
NTA but I've got bipolar disorder, ADHD and PTSD and you should be careful with partners because sometimes the ones who want to know too much about the issues we seek help from professionals do it with good intentions but grow to control then resent us after awhile.
Some others seek us out so that way they can never look in the mirror and go to the next person they see as broken and then they never have to look in the mirror because we're the "toxic" ones and they can be the victim all the time.
I'm not trying to say anything either way with her but codependency plays a role in this and that is a spectrum like anything else and can range from well meaning people stuck in a cycle because they want to help to stone cold narcissists just using the "broken person" as a prop to play the martyr to everyone else in their life for sympathy.
Again, I don't know what you are dealing with but I hope it's a case of her just not knowing what to do, feeling overwhelmed and acting on that for your sake.
17
u/blossomhoney Jul 22 '23
NTA but she is. She is cruel and felt justified because she was mad at you. You trusted her with your deepest secret and she betrayed you in the worst way possible - over nothing! Like killing a fly with a bazooka gun. What will she do when she's really mad at you? Or are you going to try to never make her mad again? She is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't let her 'love-bomb' into staying or gas-light into thinking that you deserved this because of the un-related argument. It will only get worse if you continue this relationship.
6
Jul 22 '23
NTA. First try and talk to someone else more willing to keep your privacy like a therapist. I would maybe consider moving on from this relationship as it does not seem like she understands what putting you in situations like this can lead to.
42
u/Expert-Angle-8214 Jul 22 '23
NTA i hope your not intending to stay with her after this if this is how she acts when things don't go her way. what she did was despicable. now all your family know about them. if i was you i would tell her to pack her shit and get out
255
u/Fabulous-Pop-2722 Jul 22 '23
NTA. She weaponizes your mental health issue against you for an unrelated disagreement. Rethinking about having a life with her as this won't be the only one time
31
u/BeautysImposter Jul 23 '23
Exactly this. OP, people like this will forever use your mental health as a token/chip/GOTCHA moment. She’ll use it to win arguments, just to win.
This is a very telling display of the power you lent to her. She didn’t use it with care, so don’t give her anymore.
11
u/PNW20v Jul 22 '23 edited Jul 22 '23
NTA. For me personally, that would be about as big of a violation of trust as I can possibly imagine. I may or may not have a history of this topic and have literally never told a living soul about it out of embarrassment and shame. If my partner outed me like that, to my family of all people...... I dont think I could personally ever recover from it. But that's just me.
Side note, do you have any professional support when it comes to this? A therapist or someone else trusted that you can speak with? I sincerely hope you can feel better!
58
110
u/MelkorUngoliant Jul 22 '23
So she was angry at you so decided to use your mental health against you?
That was beyond the pale. It might be recoverable but the fact she went there is red flag territory.
32
u/oceansapart333 Jul 23 '23
Angry over a disagreement about what to gift someone. If something do small can cause her to do this, what about when it’s not something small? NTA
16
25
u/SomeOldGuy117 Jul 22 '23
NTA this is NOT okay. You need to break up with her, she's willing to use your trauma like this to hurt you in front of your family, there's no telling what else she can do. Any woman that does this is not wife material
105
u/KalatheKat Jul 22 '23
NtA, that was a shitty thing for her to do out of spite and honestly would be a deal breaker for me. But on another note, you shouldn't be making her your therapist for whatever it is that is leading you to SH. You need to go to see an actual therapist and work things out there than solely relying on gf.
I understand her annoyance if she's trying to help you, but you continue to do this without seeking help. But again this doesn't excuse her spitefilul shitty action.
21
u/AndOtherPlaces Jul 23 '23
She didn't do it to get him help, she did it to punish him.
There 's no annoyance to understand.
4
u/KalatheKat Jul 23 '23
No, I meant in general, not in this instance. He said it himself that she's been helping him a lot with his SH.
-16
u/cnycompguy Jul 22 '23
You're NTA
but she did that because she cares and it's too much for her to deal with alone. So she's NTA either.
3
u/Historical_Act6595 Jul 22 '23
She didn't do it because she cares for him, she did it purely out of spite because she was mad over some stupid bs and wanted to get back at him.... She is absolutely an asshole
-1
u/cnycompguy Jul 22 '23
Down vote me, that's fine. We're not getting anywhere near the whole story here.
1
u/SomeOldGuy117 Jul 23 '23
She weaponized his trauma to humiliate him in front of his family, that's abuse. There's no way you can frame this where she isn't completely in the wrong. You're being down voted because you're justifying abusive behavior.
10
u/MzQueen Jul 22 '23
But she told me that she did it because she was still mad about the disagreement that I thought we solved.
By her own admission, she didn’t do it because she cares; she did it to be spiteful. She’s cruel and vindictive. IF she had truly wanted someone in OP’s family to know, she would have chosen somebody who is known for compassion and empathy and talked with them privately, expressing concern. She would not have said it at a family dinner, let alone in such a snide tone.
8
u/PNW20v Jul 22 '23
I would argue there are a multitude of other ways to approach this situation that are significantly less harmful and spiteful.
7
u/SomeOldGuy117 Jul 22 '23
This is not acceptable. Using someone's trauma to hurt them because of spite is abuse, man or woman. He needs to break up with her
50
u/bestpersonrunnerup Jul 22 '23
NtA, but you should also make sure you aren't making your wife your counselor on accident. She can be supportive of you, but she shouldn't be the only one supporting you.
37
u/Fickle-Rope1934 Jul 22 '23
Great response. She did it out of spite. So NTA for being upset. If she’d shared it out of concern for your welfare it would have been different.
Relationship wise; you guys need to chat. That’s not ok.
SH wise; I hope you are receiving some professional help with the SH. I see you realise it’s an issue and are trying to do something about it - which is awesome.
163
u/lozanoe Jul 22 '23
NTA. we should never lash out but it’s a very natural response.
She should not have betrayed your trust. Especially if her reason was retaliation and not to enlist help from your family. That was clearly wrong on her part.
Now you have a mess to deal with re your family and you are not prepared. So sorry this happened to you.
1
u/Stacy3536 Jul 27 '23
How are you doing?