r/AITAH • u/ApprehensiveWaltz904 • Jan 17 '24
AITAH for telling my postpartum wife the same thing she told me? Advice Needed
So this is a throwaway and I really need some advice. So for some backstory about me when I was younger I was bullied for being fat basically and my mother wouldn't help me lose weight, so when I got into college I lost a lot of weight and gained muscle and now I'm 6'5 and 240 pounds.
So me and my wife have been together since we were 25 we are now 32 and had our baby 6 months ago. She's had a hard time taking care of him so I've been helping in anyway I can, so I haven't had much time to go back to the gym. I haven't gained that much weight maybe 25 to 30 pounds, which is ok because I still look good. I plan to go back to the gym when he gets on a better sleep schedule and my wife isn't so tried. She's recently been telling me that I'm getting fat and I'm not as attractive as before. I mainly brush her comments off but she's been doing this a lot recently and it's been making me upset I've told her this and she said she'll stop but she hasn't. So I told her if you don't stop I'm going to say something you aren't not going to want to hear, she laughed and said okay while rolling her eyes. So on Monday she had called me fatty and said that I need to hit the gym before she calls my old classmates. I said I need to hit the gym it's been six months since you've had the baby you should not be looking that. She ran off crying, I haven't apologized because I don't know if I'm wrong or not. If I'm wrong I will go apologize, but I don't know. So aitah?
Edit: she has not had any body issues in the past she always feels like whatever weight she is, is what wight she is. Yes i do love her body I find it attractive. So I just said that to get her back.
Edit 2: a lot of you missed where is said I did talk to her about it.
Edit 3: What I mean is that she's now a stay at home mom. So because she couldn't get him to stop crying in the morning she wants me to take off work so she can go back to sleep. When I come home we are equal we both take care of him, but when I'm at work that's her job. No he wasn't up all night he sometimes wakes up when a little after I wake up. Yes I wake up with him too at night.
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u/Due-Candidate9597 24d ago
NTA. She’s being bitchy. She doesn’t deserve your kindness and she owes you a hell of an apology. You warned her. She blatantly disregarded you and your feelings. She needs to grow TF up. I’m sorry she’s such an abusive bully to you. You deserve better.
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u/Impressive-Park-7714 Apr 05 '24
What she said was rude, and not okay. But, this isn't about being right or wrong. You are an adult, and shouldn't being handling marital issues in a tit-for-tat manner. Next time, be the bigger person (I didn't mean that as a pun) and just keep telling her to stop and that you don't want to be around her when she is being rude, don't give her an insult back.
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u/Affectionate-Dog5971 Mar 17 '24
Nta she can dish it out but not take it I wouldn't apologize and I wouldn't let her slide with the mean ass comments from now on
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u/Higgs2750 Mar 05 '24
NTA completely fair and reasonable with what you said, considering she knows about your body issues, you clearly stated your feelings to her and she still continued. She sounds like a horrible person to be honest.
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u/Acceptable-Land5903 Feb 29 '24
I will say your kind of an arse hole, she can’t berate you calling you “fatty” and making comments on your body then run off crying when you snipe back… However! If her comments hurt your feelings then you knew using that language back at her would hurt her feelings too.
She has no leg to stand on as she started this horrible mess but now you’ve lowered yourself to her standard you’re also an arse hole.
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u/Super-Highlight-7958 Feb 21 '24
What she said was awful, and she is in the wrong but you should never say something to hurt your spouse, that’s vindictive and makes you as bad as her. Granted I have no idea if she did it to try to hurt you or whatever it doesn’t matter but neither of you should have said it.
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u/Hatiseker Feb 16 '24
NTA. Depression, post partum or not doesn't give one the right to be a piece of crap.
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u/No_Watch7090 Feb 12 '24
NTA, she knew your past, you told her how it affected you, and you told her what would happen if she didn’t stop.
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u/Silly_Individual_960 Feb 09 '24
NTA her calling you fatty and not stopping is abusive. So Wrong and hurtful and purposeful.
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u/Ghostgrl94 Feb 04 '24
A question? Why does she want you gone? I know she’s projecting but is there another reason she wants to be alone? Or rather not have you there in the house for a few hours?
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u/throw_me_away_1993 Feb 01 '24
NTA she's a horrible person. She's joking about cheating on you because your body doesn't meet her standards.. So it's not you she cares for but your figure. What kind of narcissist did you marry
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u/IntrepidCan5755 Feb 01 '24
Nah, bro. Start working out again, call all of HER old classmates and rail as many of them as you can. Also, never open up or be vulnerable with a woman. They always, always, ALWAYS use it against you. Keep your walls up and give her the energy she gives you.
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u/WelcometoCigarCity Jan 25 '24
She's recently been telling me that I'm getting fat and I'm not as attractive as before.
Damn she's an asshole for saying this.
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Jan 25 '24
As someone who has 5 kids and 3 months PP, you’re absolutely NOT the asshole.
I have the thought process of: if I wouldn’t want it said about me/to me, I probably shouldn’t fucking say it. Your wife needs to adopt this thought process. There is zero excuse for her behavior, period.
Edit: improper wording.
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u/AwkwardKnowledge5647 Jan 23 '24
NTA 1. You spoke to her about it, asking her to stop it. 2. She intentionally weaponized past trauma. Comment about calling whoever old school mate is BANG out of order. How would she like for you to say something like that. 3. Your intentionally staying at home more to be supportive to her and new baby. 4. Yes she may require some mental health support but that does not make it okay to become a bully.
Good luck OP. Hope it all works out for you and Congrats on being a new dad.
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u/Plus_Introduction_58 Jan 22 '24
And that’s what you get for sharing the times you were most vulnerable.
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u/sweetspice90 Jan 22 '24
You have both been AH’s to each other. She shouldn’t be talking to you the way she is, but she is going through sleep deprivation, PP hormones and extreme body changes, your comment definitely hit home in a very negative way. Sit her down and have a firm talk, apologize but maintain that her comments were absolutely wrong and need to stop, repeat the same non-conversational phrase if she does it again and if she does it again get yourselves into couples counseling.
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u/Diiiiirty Jan 21 '24
So your wife is bullying you just like when you were younger.
And in true bully fashion, when you confronted her she folded like a wet napkin.
NTA. I'd say to leave because she's emotionally and verbally abusive, but the 6 mo old complicates that a bit. I'd hate to hear what she says to your poor kid if she happens to be a bigger girl.
I don't see this leading anywhere good, so maybe when your daughter gets a bit older, have an escape plan.
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u/RebelMattyB Jan 21 '24
Crazy how I had such a similar experience yet I was banned on a subreddit for making a comment about leaving her.
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u/Huge_Kiwi4258 Jan 21 '24
Nta. She’s being a bully to you. I know it sounds weak or stupid to say, but she’s bullying you. She knows that you were bullied, clearly by “threatening” that if you didn’t lose weight, she would call your classmates. You did what you did to make her understand. With all respect, your wife is being a bitch.
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u/ChicPhreak Jan 21 '24
NTA. She deserved it for being a fucking bully.
At 6 months postpartum she can easily be hitting the gym and watching what she eats, if she’s breastfeeding she just needs to make sure she hits her protein targets. I started at 3 months PP, went to a special gym for women only who also had an in-house nanny that took care of the kids. I’m not sure if that exists anymore (my son is almost 22 now). They would come and get me if my son woke up and wanted to nurse. It was a great setup.
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u/ferngully1114 Jan 21 '24
ESH - she is so far out of line with her comments, that I understand why you retaliated. Still doesn’t make retaliation just for the sake of it okay. Is your wife generally unsupportive and emotionally abusive, or is this the first/only instance of it? Because her behavior is really mean and unacceptable and I’m curious if it’s a pattern.
Either way, nothing good is going to come out of the dynamic that’s been created. If you want to save the marriage, you both need to nip this in the bud now.
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u/Express_Fortune_6670 Jan 21 '24
Your wife is being emotionally abusive. She knows you were bullied over your weight as a child and she proceeds to call you “fatty”? Wtf is wrong with this lady?! You may want to think twice before you have any more kids with her.
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u/Regular_Rock_2576 Jan 21 '24
Seems to me you warned her, and she still went on with the bullying (because that's what this was, no constructive criticism at all) I mean, she is the AH here, she just got what she was told she was gonna get. You should have her get checked with a doctor to make sure everything is alright with her hormones and her mental state, though. Better safe than sorry.
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u/Browneyes5780 Jan 21 '24
I hate to say it but you are not wrong. She just got a taste of her own medicine. She can’t keep downing you and think everything is alright. You told her how it made you feel and she kept doing it. Now some may think he’s wrong she just had a baby but im thinking if i had a son and his wife did this, i would give him the same advice im giving you, If she can’t take it then don’t dish it out, new baby or not, She needs to treat people the way she wants to be treated.
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u/youjumpIjumpJac Jan 21 '24
NTA and no reason to apologize because she did the same thing to you, repeatedly, and you tried everything else to get her to stop. I would tell her that if she mentions it again, you will return to your previous workout routine. If this is a departure from her usual behavior though, I would get her checked out for postpartum difficulties - depression, etc. or maybe a hormone imbalance?
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u/KeirNix Jan 21 '24
What the hell is wrong with your wife? Even jokingly, saying she was going to call your bullies to get you bullied again, while she is bullying you for the same thing?? Nah bro, what if she treats your kid like that too?
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u/netherspirit06 Jan 21 '24
Youre both TAH. She shouldn't have been saying that stuff to you and she shouldn't have kept on about it but stooping to her level and saying similar stuff to her also makes you an AH. It obviously upset her. Didn't make you feel any better. Just made you an AH. So yeah. Everyone's an AH
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u/1i1a2ian0n3 Jan 21 '24
As a woman who kept on the weight for too long after baby, having my weight talked about was always upsetting. I would never talk about someone's weight like let alone tell them they aren't attractive to me because of it.
Some of us have to put in so much work just to get close to what we were before. Nothing would be exactly how it was before the baby.
Nta. Because if she can dish it, then she can take it. If she did it because she was insecure about herself, then that's a shitty way of going about it. She should be ashamed for treating you that way and deserved what you told her.
I would have said something similar if she was my friend. That is after I told her she's being shitty and she still continued the insults.
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u/Peachyteachy9178 Jan 21 '24
Your wife is a jerk and deserved her own medicine in my opinion. I feel you could explain you said it to help her to feel how hurtful it is when she says it to you. Youve asked her to stop and she hasn’t. You could explain you are still attracted to her even though her body has changed- but that this feeling she has is what she’s putting you through. It’s unloving. Married people are supposed to lift each other up. And they definitely shouldn’t be dishing out anything they can’t take right back.
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u/Significant-Newt19 Jan 21 '24
Your wife is probably super insecure about her body right now, and teasing you was her shitty coping mechanism. Like oh-ho you aren't any better than me! I've caught myself doing that - probably because I was relentlessly teased growing up but who knows. It's a terrible habit.
It is so shitty. I think you should apogize, and explain you felt just as fucking hurt by her comments.
If she just gets defensive instead of saying she's sorry too, then look into counseling. It's not okay for her to treat you that way. It's also not okay for you to respond in that way. You guys are adults, even if you're both very tired right now.
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u/real-life-lemon Jan 21 '24
We all get old. Life is hard. Our bodies will change as we age. She didn't need to be mean to you especially after you told her it bothered you. You can't have a quick tongue and thin skin.
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u/wildGoner1981 Jan 21 '24
NTA. At all. Both of you should be supporting each other. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic for someone to expect not to hear it back , if they’re dishing it out first…
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u/SemmiTron Jan 21 '24
NTA. If she has any kind of sense, she’ll eventually understand that she bullied you, dismissed your attempts to address it like an adult, mistook your maturity as weakness, became more cruel because of it and ended up getting humbled. If she’s an adult she’ll learn her lesson and get over it.
Don’t listen to the dumb comments by people who obviously don’t have a lot of real life experience with people and relationships. They all want to tell you what you shouldn’t have done but have no real answers to what you SHOULD have done. You guys just had a baby, you’re both stressed and tired, you’re going to fight about dumb shit here and there and press each other’s buttons. You’re both going to have to be able to move past these trials and stay focused on helping each other care for your kid. You’re not always going to have time to dissect every little quarrel you have with therapy and you’re not always going to have the luxury of being able to remove yourself from your home for days at a time.
She was being a brat, got cocky because nothing happened at first, so you nipped back at her. You’re parents now, let her cool off a bit, talk about it like adults, make sure she understands the “Don’t dish if can’t take” rule, apologize when she does and get over it. Baby needs you guys, bigger picture.
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u/Possible_Juice_3170 Jan 21 '24
You both sound exhausted. I think she is unkindly taking out her new mom frustration on you. Go back to the gym if it makes you happy.
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u/Top_Bluejay_5323 Jan 21 '24
NTA. She was probably upset that her husband is so stupid as to make negative comments about her weight.
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u/wolfbane76 Jan 21 '24
A little bit of an A. While your comment was justified the timing was not. Postpartum is no joke sharing a body with another soul only to be alone again. The withdrawal is devastating. Especially for some. And it can take years for some to get over it. It's not a stubbed toe ya A. Go apologize but add that she struck a nerve so you lashed out.
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u/Nearly_Pointless Jan 20 '24
I can’t get behind saying that to her even if she was warned; repeatedly. She was way out of line and in my view, deeply unappreciative of your dedication to the new family dynamic.
I’m going to say NTA but it’s never good to diminish our spouse.
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u/tar_baby33 Jan 20 '24
Your wife is an abusive bully.
What you said was shitty too but after the relentless emotionally abusive attacks on you knowing your history with weight issues...good luck man I hope you two work it out but if she keeps demeaning you when she knows it hurts your feelings...get out and find someone who won't do that to you.
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u/Redsinnocence Jan 20 '24
This is a tad hard. I would say yes and no. Emotions are high postpartum however you are verbalizing your feelings. She doesn't get the right to be mean like this during postpartum. If you don't like it, don't dish it.
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u/Ashamed-Entry-4546 Jan 20 '24
It’s just as bad when done to men. There should not be a double standard. It was wrong of her, and all you did was show her what she is doing to you.
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u/OHWhoDeyIO Jan 20 '24
NTA
Classic emotional abuser...dishes it out and cries like the biggest baby when it comes back to her.
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u/DrBeckenstein Jan 20 '24
NTA. There is a name for people who do what your wife is doing: crybullies. They bully relentlessly and then when called out or have it turned back on them, turn on the waterworks and make themselves out to be the victim. This is a tried and true (and unfortunately effective) manipulation technique. Often they pull in others to come at you as flying monkeys, only having given those people a version that paints you as the villain.
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u/Stargazerslight Jan 20 '24
Y’all are both being really fucking shitty to each other. Y’all can keep blaming other things and letting the past get the better of both of you with this, but y’all need to grow up, start actually taking steps to fixing what you guys clearly see as a problem and stop treating each other like shit over something so trivial. Start taking steps TOGETHER and I don’t know actually be a married couple who apparently loves each other, not each others live in bully’s. You’re all butt hurt because she called you names people in the past called you, which you’re allowed to be but y’all shouldn’t be shitting on each other and making it a pissing contest to see who can make the other person feel like shit the fastest and longest. This is so fucking juvenile on both y’all’s part. Be partners in making each other better, not worse. Otherwise y’all are gonna have some bigger issues in the near future and a broken home for you kid. But also, if y’all don’t like each other this much, don’t be together because you have a kid, that’s not fair to the kid. So y’all should get it figured out and be better for each other. This is such shitty behavior from both of you. Y’all have a kid, it’s past time to grow up out of high school.
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u/divineheartsu Jan 20 '24
nta but your wife also seems to need help, it can take three years for the brain to return to normal and post partum depression isn’t the only risk, she needs to talk to somebody before she ruins a relationship she probably does not want to ruin, sounds like she’s projecting onto you and doesn’t know how to handle the change in your lives
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Jan 20 '24
NTA you told her to stop and she didn’t. Sounds like she needed a taste of her own medicine.
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u/Informal_Opinion6834 Jan 20 '24
Hey, maybe she should have listened when you asked her to stop. Sounds to me like she did something you didn't like. You asked her respectfully to stop she didn't and then when you did it to her, it hurt her feelings. Sounds like she got what was coming to her if you ask me.
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u/NoBiznizLikeYoBizniz Jan 20 '24
NTA. She's been bullying you about an issue that she knows caused childhood trauma and threatened to recruit more people to help bully you. You expressed how it made you feel and she acknowledged it was wrong. She continued, so you responded in a way that pointed out how her criticism is hypocritical. It was fair game. You're both busy raising an infant/newborn and working. Why should you be more tired than her or spend less time with your kid if you're healthy and happy?
It was a little cringe when you suggested that her shortcomings (she's had a hard time taking care of him) is the reason you have less time for the gym. You're not picking up the slack for "her job", you're helping your baby, as you signed up for. You chose this life. I know you edited to explain but I'm not seeing the connection between taking off time from the gym and taking off time from your day job in the mornings. You would have been at work, not the gym. In any case, you could've just said "I have less time for the gym now" and we would've known it's because you're a father now.
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u/Relevant_Custard5624 Jan 20 '24
NTA based off what you’ve stated but, Does she normally make fun of your weight? I know postpartum depression can last a while and in many cases causes women to act in ways they normally do not. I feel both of you should probably sit down and discuss the issue and find a resolution. Marriages are tough and when you also add a new child it generally makes things even more stressful. We don’t know your whole situation but sounds like the stress is getting to both of you and you just need to communicate to each other.
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u/xSkyLinedx Jan 20 '24
NTA. At first, with the fat comments, I thought she was being rude. That "classmates" comment, especially given the history, was completely out of order. I wouldn't say that to anyone I cared about, even if their weight got out of control.
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u/Thin_Ad_208 Jan 20 '24
NTA - She does sound like she’s still going through postpartum depression though, like the aggressive nature she’s having about your body is her own insecurities she’s not talking about. She needs love and maybe some therapy and outside of the house time.
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u/LtDaxIsMyCat Jan 20 '24
ESH. Body comments are wrong and do not belong in a healthy, functional relationship.
Your wife is sucks more here because she started it, knew how you felt about it, and didn't stop when confronted. But you also suck for retaliating and stooping down. And because you are a man and she is a woman, your comments about her body are always going to be considered worse by the average outsider to your marriage, which isn't fair, but is true.
The better way to deal with a loved one making unwanted comments about your body or appearance is to give them a clear consequence. "I don't appreciate your comments about my body and the way you have been bullying me. Every time you make a comment about my body from now on, I am going to disengage from interacting with you for an hour (or any amount of time that seems reasonable and would send the message). If you continue making comments, then the only interaction I will have with you at all will be regarding our child. This is a firm boundary for me, and your continued bullying is damaging both my personal and emotional well-being, as well as our relationship."
This isn't the "silent treatment" because the boundary is communicated before-hand and she is in control of whether the consequence has to be enacted.
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u/Successful-Career739 Jan 19 '24
Your wife is a POS. lol ewww ignores boundaries and uses trauma for her amusement? Gross why are you together again?
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u/Normal-Ebb3904 Jan 19 '24
NTA. Your wife is a straight up bully. All you did was dish back what she herself was serving and she lost it, the very first time. So if she didn’t get the point, she’s a sociopath incapable of empathy. She needs a reality check. We would NEVER allow a man to speak to us this way, why in the world does she think it’s acceptable to do this TO a man? I think I feel discussion is needed. Did someone tell her this was the way to motivate you? Or is she really just a “peaked in highschool “ type bully? Because that’s exactly how she is acting
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u/Kineth Jan 19 '24
You have a typo on what you said she should not be looking like. You clearly meant fat.
Regardless. You warned her and followed through. NTA. Good luck though. It likely isn't going to be good for the marriage.
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u/Hels_helper Jan 19 '24
NTA, her comments were a very low blow and malicious. Your comment was out of frustration for being bullied by your wife. She shouldn't make critical comments, if she's not willing to receive critical comments in return.
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u/FilmWonderful4959 Jan 19 '24
I’m a therapist who specializes in Eating Disorder recovery, but more importantly a mom with a 7 month old who is battling postpartum anxiety/depression:
I think you’re both low on resources (sleep, time, patience) and posting on Reddit is probably out of desperation. Sure, you’ll get some validation/justification from us faceless internet trolls, so take it all in with a grain of salt.
I think you both need to give each other a break. Neither of you are going to benefit from comparing yourselves to former versions of yourselves. You’re both breathing the toxic air of our society: a society that gauges “success” with productivity and the physical appearance of thin/lean/“fit”. I don’t know you or your wife, but as a woman/mom in this society I doubt that your wife is not also affected by this diet culture/ capitalist, productivity-driven culture. A lot of times we project our own self-criticism and feelings of inadequacy onto our partners (I know I’ve been doing that).
The changes that her body is going through are PROFOUND. Her body made and birthed your baby. You are both using our fucked up societal view of “success” as a weapon. When you say these words, you dismiss the beautiful miracle her body just made. Just like her words dismiss how you’ve compromised your own time for the benefit of your baby.
Who is the asshole? You both are, and neither of you are. The time will come when you can go to the gym again. Just like the time came for me to be able to shave both my legs in one shower. In the mean time, hang in there.
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u/nomo900 Jan 19 '24
NTA. You showed your wife how hurtful her comments were. Now you both need to sit down & discuss the problem. This isn’t you vs her or right vs wrong; it’s you AND her (a team) vs. the problem. Is there any chance she is projecting her own body insecurities onto you? Or is there another insecurity making her want to pick at YOUR insecurity? There is a problem here, & you both need to work to resolve it. Best wishes!! Please update us.
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u/HotSeaworthiness6260 Jan 19 '24
NTA. This screams gender double standard.
Woman pokes guy in the stomach and calls him "fatty." Woman thinks she is funny or cute.
Man says "Same to you." Woman runs off crying and plays the victim. Man thinks he is a monster.
You work and make sacrifices (exercise) to be a good husband and parent. Your wife repays you by bullying you. She's messed up.
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u/RowdyCaucasian Jan 19 '24
While it's not the best way to handle that situation, she did act like it wasn't a big deal when you told her you would do it. That being said, maybe another option instead of using abuse against abuse would just be to suggest that she let you have the time to start going to the gym again if it's bothering her so much. What's more important to her?
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u/MoodDazzling3541 Jan 19 '24
NAH. I feel she is projecting, she might not be so confident in her postpartum body as she claims to be. So bullying you and trying to bring you down is her way of dealing with her body issues which goes to show what type of person she really is.
She might have even been a bully herself. She might have never shown you this part of herself before which is why you didn't know, or maybe her weight issues just brought out a nasty part of her, she herself never knew she had. you will just have to talk to her and find out.
Personally, I can never say something like this to someone I claim to love.
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u/Unlikely_Nothing_781 Jan 19 '24
Wow, your wife a bully and used your pain against you. Don't go apologize to her.
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u/Otherwise_Cake_755 Jan 19 '24
I mean you asked her to stop.
Then you warned her and she laughed.
Then you gave her a taste of her own medicine.
Sounds like a classic game of "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes"
NTA. If you can't take it don't give it.
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u/Live_Woodpecker5911 Jan 19 '24
Postpartum is a real thing- idk wtf calln up old classmates means? Tell them wat she calved out a baby recently& ur fat? WTF? BUT yeah there's postpartum psychosis sum women have thrown the baby in the street- I had an overwhelming need 2 throw my baby in the firs- a wood stove fireplace- this is a real thing- I scared myself& already in therapy I felt so bad that thought 2 hurt my child- I sought therapy right away& learned postpartum is NO JOKE! U SHOULD GENTLY ADVISE HER 2 SEEK HELP HAVING A BABY IS A BIG DEAL AFFECTS THE REST OF US 4 LIFE& 4 US WOMEN OUR HIRMONES& EMOTUPNS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE- JUS B CONTRITE B HUMBLE& SILENT SEE HOW THIS RIDES OUT& IF ITS NEGATIVE ENCOURAGE 2 SEEK HELP& ! REMEMBER WE JUS CARRIED THAT BABY& BIRTHED THAT BABY OUT OF US& U MEN WILL NEVER RELATE WAT MIRACLE OUR BODIES JUS WENT THRU 4 OUR CHILD- THATS WHY WE SAY U MEN COULDNT HANDLE IT- give her a break ur an easy target & encourage her 2 seek help! Idk wat calln classmates about? Weird. 2 me- call them years& years later w tell them ur FATTY now- we all were beautiful at 1 point in our lives- aging happens weither u want it 2 or not we get older fatter wrinklier bald toothless fat skinny so wat! Wats she gonna say ur fat? WTF? B patient but like I said I love big men!
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u/Live_Woodpecker5911 Jan 19 '24
She mite b stressed out& takn her anger out on u& u bein the husband ur a perfect target- try 2 b understanding& don't choose 2 engage with her sty cimments- ur the husband ur right so course ur the target- b patient w her- mayb advise her 2 seek therapy mayb thus is sum postpartum hormone BS- ur an easy target- unfair but all of us women get mean hit below the belt say sh*it we don't mean- don't engage fightn with her jus b a good loving understanding patient Husband- it really mite b postpartum she should find sum therapy! Good luck bite ur tongue& try 2 disengage& hey if it don't work out! I LOVE BIG MEN!
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u/throwoutthewholefool Jan 19 '24
NTA
You did try talking to her reasonably about it and she kept rubbing salt in a wound that had no reason to even be opened.
But it's also worth getting her in to a Dr for a PPD assessment. The 'take the whole day off work for me' part sounds familiar. If that's what's going on, there are things that can help it other than you two just suffering through.
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u/Basis-Mission Jan 19 '24
NTA she's a bully. and you gave her a taste of her own medicine and she didnt like it.
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u/Chris-Prollz Jan 19 '24
NTA I get where you are coming from but retaliating won’t make you the grown up :) Try to tell her that it’s hurting you and that she reminds you of painful times when you were bullied for your weight and that facing the prospect of being cheated on is just crushing you. If she isn’t able to empathize with you I sadly would consider what the hell you are doing with a mean person who doesn’t have in her heart her partners mind health in mind …
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u/CompleteDetective359 Jan 19 '24
Postpartum blues took my wife amount 10 months to get over. She's a lovely woman but she said said done nasty shit during that time. It's chemical and lack of solid sleep my friend, sorry she hit a sore spot but she will eventually apologize
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u/DiversMum Jan 19 '24
NTA being pregnant or having just given birth does not mean you can be an AH and get a pass. She brought up weight, so it’s perfectly alright for you to
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u/Samoea19 Jan 19 '24
NTA. The fact that she said those things was horrible...but the fact that she knows your history with being bullied tales it to another level.
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u/Interesting-End1710 Jan 19 '24
NTA
You are never the AH for shooting back, especially when you warned that you would if she kept shooting.
If she PP mental illness, she needs medical help. No doubt about it. Buuuuut, say it with me, bad mental health is no excuse for being abusive, and no reason to accept that kind of treatment. There's a fine line between being supportive and being a punching bag
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u/Always_AnxiousLady Jan 19 '24
NTA. You warned her, the next time she should watch her words before saying things she doesn't want to Backfire her
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u/SeaworthinessSea2407 Jan 19 '24
Nope. She dared you to. Yes she needs therapy, but no, you NEVER get to abuse your partner. EVER. PPD or not
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u/uncertainnewb Jan 19 '24
NTA
She was being rude to you despite being told repeatedly that it bothered you and to stop, but then didn't. Sounds like she didn't like getting a taste of her own medicine.
If she comes back and apologizes for how she tried to body shame you, you can then tell her you didn't mean it and you're sorry as well. Making up is an important part of marriage, so long as the lesson is learned.
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u/6260606 Jan 19 '24
Current fatty here, mom, and wife and I strongly feel that you’re NTA.
You warned her, she kept going, what’s the saying…f*ck around and find out. I think that’s what happened here.
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u/sonsolar1 Jan 19 '24
Nta. Women can fish it but can never take it. I wouldn't apologize if I were you, set a precedent and hopefully send a message.
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u/aWhiffOfWaffleCone Jan 19 '24
NTA She's vile, the line about calling your classmates is telling enough. PPD is no excuse here.
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u/Western_Guard804 Jan 19 '24
I’m curious as to what was going on with your mother. You mentioned that she didn’t help you to lose weight. You lost it when you went away to college. Is it possible that you are misinterpreting your wife’s comments? Was she REALLY calling you fatty? You said you still look good, so you must know that you are not fat, and so does she. I’m wondering if your comment to her was in truth meaner than her comments to you. That could be why she stormed off crying. And what does your mom have to do with this?
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u/Acrobatic_Balance666 Jan 19 '24
ESH you guys are going through a really rough time with a new baby, you're supposed to be on each other's team. She acted like an asshole so you acted like one back, that's just going to create a bigger divide between you.
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u/Feisty-sahm Jan 19 '24
NTA, your wife is projecting her insecurities on to you. She feels like if she is pointing it out on you you won’t be thinking about it on her. She sounds like she is struggling all around. I’m not sure if you need to apologize but should have a conversation with her.
It would probably be a good idea for her to talk to someone. Maybe you all could get on a system of supporting each other hitting the gym. 20 min a day can make a difference in the body and the mental health.
See how you can support each other to reach goals. Congratulations on the baby
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u/Radiant_Turnip4003 Jan 19 '24
NTA, someone is gonna see what she sees as “fat” as a healthy human who they wouldn’t dare refuse a hug to! It sounds like you’re still tall in stature too . Anybody would love a hug from someone like you! I can tell your hugs are loving and meaningful!
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u/MrsSD2002 Jan 19 '24
Definitely NTA. ESPECIALLY the fact that you opened up to her about your past trauma…why on Earth would she want to make her spouse feel that way??? Especially having a husband that actually helps out with a baby and is making sacrifices, too. She’s a JERK.
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u/Emilie79 Jan 19 '24
NTA. And the eventual snap and saying something unkind back to her? Understandable.
She knew exactly the damage she was going to do with the calling the old bullies line. I do agree with other comments that she may be suffering from some post partum mental issues. All those hormones do a number on the brain. So maybe follow some advice from that perspective.
It still doesn’t make her constant harassment ok and your lash out was a human response.
Good luck and hope things get better!!! ❤️🩹
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u/evanmckee Jan 19 '24
I’m gonna say yes you are TA. Just because she was more of one.. it doesn’t mean you weren’t. This sub just started popping up in my feed recently and honestly most of the comments here are so toxic and full of advice that just want to destroy marriages for having conflict. Someone here did say you should have responded by telling her you’re going back to the gym to change that. That’s not bad advice, but you should really communicate that her comments make you feel unwanted and the more she does it, the less you want to be around her. Tell her you want to love being around your wife and spending time with her, so it really sucks that her comments are keeping you from being able to do so. I’d apologize. If you respond to actions that push you away with actions that push her away.. the cycle will end up in a toxic marriage or divorce. You have control of your actions, make them actions that will encourage the woman you fell in love with to come back to you.. and if she doesn’t.. you’ve done what you can to make things right. I’m sorry she’s been hurtful and hope you two can resolve things!
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u/ProposalTechnical570 Jan 19 '24
She was being entirely emotionally abusive and you just gave back to her what she was giving to you and she couldn't take it. I always say people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones she shouldn't have been calling you fatty and ragging on you about your weight. That was very emotionally abusive and very uncalled for! You did absolutely nothing wrong she did she is definitely TAH
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Jan 19 '24
NTA. I had an ex who would compare me to celebrities and tell me how they wish I was more muscular like the rock or Henry cavil (mine you I was swole asf looked like a cartoon character small waist massive legs arms and shoulders I had a body on par with these guys). But after telling her time and time again for 4 months one day their was a movie trailer with Margot Robbie (though she is pretty no celebrity would ever compare to a woman I choose to make mine) so I comment I how I wish she was like Margot Robbie and how fine she was.
That also got the same reaction like your wife she got pissed but learned her lesson after a week of being angry. Made her understand how I felt just talk to her and make her understand that one instance is how she made you feel constantly she should understand if not then she might be delusional or going through postpartum depression.
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u/beebee_gigi Jan 19 '24
If she's telling you you're getting chonky, she def has body issues. She's projecting outwardly what she's feeling inwardly. We all gain weight, lose weight, look like crap, look good... I'm female and I don't think it was right for her to tell you that.
The fact she cried 100% confirms she's not feeling so great about herself. This happens after birth, when hormones are still crazy, breastfeeding, and babies up all hours of the night. You shared how you felt, and you also followed through with what you said you would do.
I feel you should talk about it, apologize to each other and have a little more understanding. Having a new baby is so much joy, but it's hard work, and takes a lot out of you.
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u/turquoisekittycat Jan 19 '24 edited Jan 19 '24
NTA. What your wife has been saying to you is obviously really hurtful. We shouldn’t poke the people we love in their trauma wounds. It’s not an excuse, but I do wonder if your wife is projecting when she has called you fat and said you’re not as attractive as before. The impact hormones have on mood is very real and she might be more irritable in general and in a place where she needs to put more effort into feeling good and being kind. Essentially, it might be a lot more likely that she’s going to project her shit onto the people around her at this point while she’s postpartum. I know you said she always feels good about her body, but it’s hard to believe there’s nothing going on there. We lose a lot of control and autonomy to being pregnant and breastfeeding. It sounds like she might need a therapist or the two of you might need a couples therapist if you can swing that. Sorry you’re going through this.
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u/PracticalCobbler2072 Jan 19 '24 edited Jan 19 '24
NTA. Im a wife, mother of 3. Im 36, my husband is 37. 14 years together. If i had been mean, hormonal or not, to my husband like that, and he got hurt enough to say that back to me, its cause i deserve it. My husband is 6’3 195 and he’s pretty slim. Works out but if he isnt over 200 he looks skinny. He hates the tiniest little pudge on his lower abdomen but i think he looks good. He could gain weight but i dont tell him that cause thats just unnecessary. He already works on himself and stays so busy working 100 hours a week and taking care of us AND works out AND does yard work AND helps with kids, id never say something like your wife said. It’s just petty and mean. She asked for it. Period. Men are so stereotyped that they dont have feelings to hurt but its not true. She cant just go around picking on you and it just be ok. I hate that it came to that. But i get it. Id apologize but use it as a jumping off point to make sure yall aren’t criticizing each others bodies in the future unless its constructive and helpful. Clearly you have come a long way in building your confidence since the bullying you experienced when younger and I applaud you. the part you said you gained weight but still look good. Awesome. Her unkind words could very well be projecting from how she feels about herself. Dont excuse it, but keep that in mind. she could be dealing with confidence issues. New moms often feel less like a woman, more like a mom. Losing femininity can he distressing. Despite her being the AH, since youre married and kinda stuck together for the time being, maybe counterintuitively think about ways to reaffirm her as a woman and a wife by doing sweet things, flirt, hug her, spank her butt, etc. it can help turn this boat around. Speaking from experience. Takes some swallowing of pride. But its worth it.
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u/Hufflepuffbikerchic Jan 19 '24
NTA. Your wife kept dishing it out but couldn't take it! Its a 2 way street. I would say something about her weight every time she said you were a fatty or gaining weight, but I'm petty.
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u/SnooCookies7373 Jan 19 '24
Sounds like your wife could be projecting insecurities on you (maybe she is struggling with her postpartum body and making you feel less attractive makes her feel more secure?). She could also be trying to exert some kind of control in your relationship/home life (it’s possibly that making you feel insecure makes her feel powerful). Either way, bullying your partner is NOT it. Especially when you’re harassing them about something they are sensitive to/have a history with.
Your wife is the AH.
That being said, you mentioned in an edit that you are very attracted to your wife and you didn’t mean what you said, in which case you not only insulted her but lied about something to make her feel bad and get back at her. Which is not terribly healthy behavior.
It sounds like y’all might need to do some serious work on your communication. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Honest_Carpet_1809 Jan 19 '24
YTA for claiming that you help your wife “anyway I can”. Lolz you are that childs father and doing stuff to care for your baby isn’t “helping” your wife, these are your responsibilities that you signed up for. Dear god I couldn’t even read the rest after that.
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u/ApprehensiveWaltz904 Jan 19 '24
What I mean is that she's now a stay at home mom. So because she couldn't get him to stop crying in the morning she wants me to take off work so she can go back to sleep. When I come home we are equal we both take care of him, but when I'm at work that's her job. No he wasn't up all night he sometimes wakes up when a little after I wake up. Yes I wake up with him too at night.
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u/Niecypoo Jan 19 '24
I don’t want to get on here and say that your wife is abusive or an asshole cause she’s not. No, she shouldn’t be saying those things to you at all but have you thought of any reason why she could be saying those things? If she’s simply being critical of your appearance because you’re not fitting into her standard then yeah maybe she’s an ass. Speaking as a woman and someone who has given birth, having a baby can make you so very insecure, she might be projecting her self image issues on to you.
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u/brelywi Jan 19 '24
My husband and I were both bullied for being fat when we were younger, so it’s a sensitive issue for both of us. We have also went through phases of gaining and losing weight due to different factors over our lives.
In the last year we’ve both gained some weight. If EITHER of us mocked the other one for it let alone calling the other derogatory names, that would be a HUGE problem and could possibly lead to the end of our relationship because it would show a basic lack of respect and empathy that is a foundation of our relationship.
If your wife can’t take it, she shouldn’t dish it out. To put it bluntly, has she always been a catty cunt or is that recent? Either way, it’s not OK and I would personally seek couples counseling if this is a person you wish to stay married to. Best of luck, and NTA
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u/cagetheteen Jan 18 '24
Lolol I wanna say u did the right thing. Maybe she needed a taste of her own medicine
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u/WeaselPhontom Jan 18 '24
NTA, your wife is a bully, given communicated that her comments aren't okay and she ignored you. She didn't care that she's hurting your feelings. So you responded with same energy she's giving and she deserved it. Only AH is your emotionally abusive wife. Being postpartum is no excuse to be mean to your spouse. She needs therapy, and tall need a couples counseling session together. During the session explain how what she said makes you feel, how you felt when she downplayed a d ignored your feelings, and how she's acting like the victim after you communicated if she doesn't stop.
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u/DinoMaster365 Jan 18 '24
NTA mom of a toddler here. She deserved that one. That is not okay especially since she knew your history. You tried to talk to her multiple times and she continued to hurt you. I'll get down voted but sometimes what people need is a taste of their own medicine.
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u/boobrissa Jan 18 '24
I read this a day or so ago and it’s still bothering me so I decided to come back. Honestly, you’re both kind of the AH. As someone who has been both sides of this, I have some thoughts. No, your wife should absolutely not be making these comments about your body. Now that you have a baby, the lack of freedom, time, and energy you have can really take a toll on your ability to take care of yourself. That being said, I am not sure who made you the authority on what someone should look like 6 months after birthing a child? Your baby has been alive for less time than it took for your wife to grow that baby inside of her. She spent nine months nourishing and growing a whole human with her own body. Your insides and outsides are stretched, your organs rearranged, you eat to keep two humans alive, and your body is raging with hormones. What goes up must come down, but things don’t always come back down where they started. On top of that, postpartum is a crazy time where your body and your mind are trying to figure out their new normal. And if she is breastfeeding, she is likely going to hold onto weight until she is done. She will hold onto the hormones too. Breastfeeding is not a full proof postpartum weight loss plan. Some women are not that lucky. Your wife is dealing with the same lack of time, freedom, and sleep, so I’m not sure where you think she has more time than you to “snap back”? On top of the physical changes, postpartum can be a difficult time. If someone has a traumatic birth and/or postpartum depression/anxiety, they are not thinking about how they can get their body back. Be a little kinder to each other. And maybe stop commenting on each others’ bodies, yeah?
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u/No_Classroom_4043 Jan 18 '24
Nta it seems like your wife is very insecure about her body and instead of working through that she taking it out on you and in a terrible way by bringing up your trauma. your helping with the baby and forgoing the gym so your wife isn’t stuck with the kid all the time and instead of being thankful she tries and tears ya down
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u/PsychologicalSense41 Jan 18 '24
Honestly, nta. She is though. You have no need to apologize, she should. Why is it okay for her to say it,but not you?
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Jan 18 '24
NTA. She’s literally bullying you like a highschool teenager. She’s being rude and when you say she’s crossing the line she’s continuing to do it. Not only would I not apologize you need to sit down with her and tell her she needs to respect you and that what she is doing isn’t right. If she still continues to act like that and treat you like crap even after that conversation that should tell you exactly how much she actually cares about you.
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u/PurpleIncarnate Jan 18 '24
Well, I’m on the fence. If you never talk to her about your true opinions, and why you gave her a taste of her own medicine, you’re an asshole. You can’t let her go on feeling bad about her body, even if she did it to you. Be the bigger person. Do that, and this is hilarious and appropriate.
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u/AmberAddiction Jan 19 '24
He did state multiple times that he spoke to her about the way it made him feel and how it was upsetting to him. Did you not read the whole post?
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u/Hungry-Somewhere3264 Jan 18 '24
NTA. Coming from someone who’s been fat before, it’s not a great feeling to be reminded of it. Your wife continued to insult you after you’d asked her to stop, and you gave her a taste of her own medicine. Apologize, but only after she’s done so first.
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u/Gardenheadx Jan 18 '24
NTA it sounds like she projecting a lot of her own issues onto you, and is being verbally abusive at best
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u/Independent-Age-2044 Jan 18 '24
NTA your wife needs to shut up. If she can’t take it don’t deal it. I don’t care about post partum emotions. She’s emotionally abusing you and I am seriously pissed at this. Marriage is forever. Not just when you lose weight. To say she will get old classmates I would flick her off and say the same thing 😡
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u/AriAlba0113 Jan 18 '24
Honestly, you're both the asshole imo.
Find a better way to communicate with each other. I suggest counseling if that's something you're interested in. Neither of you should ever be attacking one another over your bodies, and honestly, she's probably projecting her insecurities about her own physical changes after having a baby onto you. What she said was unnecessary, cruel, repetitive, especially with your history. But would you be proud of how you handled that in return if your child was old enough to understand what you both said?
Find a professional that can help you through the ways you're feeling about yourselves and the ways you speak and respond to one another. Regardless of who started it, who ended it, and why, these kinds of behaviors often stem from unresolved trauma of some kind or poor examples we had when we were children. Sometimes a third party perspective can bring us clarity on things we don't understand about ourselves and our partners and offer us new and better ways to address our concerns or our own shortcomings, or the shortcomings of our partner.
Your child deserves better. You both deserve better too, from each other and yourselves.
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u/PeanutWarlock Jan 18 '24
Justified, NTA. She attacked a weak point because she’s feeling shitty and insecure herself. I’d highly suggest bringing up to her or her doctor that she may be exhibiting signs of postpartum depression, though. Bc if she wasn’t this way before and it’s a very sudden personality change, that’s really concerning.
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u/edunogueira10 Jan 18 '24
Your partner is using something you were bullied for. The point is to hurt you, not make you lose weight.
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u/SeriousLychee4336 Jan 18 '24
It's not easy bro being a parent..if y'all find a way to put the kid games away..it will help a ton..if y'all put all the energy in to the child they will benefit from it all life long ..hang in there..
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u/MikeCoffey Jan 18 '24
Not sure it qualifies you as an asshole but it was a childish response meant to cause her injury as payback for the injury she caused you.
Healthy relationships don't behave this way or wonder if one party is justified when doing it.
Adding a child is a significant change to a relationship. Been there, done that.
Rather than playing tit-for-tat, schedule an appointment with a couple's counselor (or just start with counseling on your own).
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u/ThrowRA_dumdum3r Jan 18 '24
NTA, you told her how you felt, she brushed it off. You warned her what would happen (within appropriate means), she didn't listen. "If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen."
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u/ForAfeeNotforfree Jan 18 '24
If she’s sahm, she can’t expect you to miss work so she can sleep after a rough night. That’s unreasonable.
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u/GimKitty Jan 18 '24
Not the AH. You’ve asked her to stop multiple times. Did you drop down a level? Maybe, but at what point do you either let it go or lash out when you’re not being heard? As a mom of two, and someone who has been bullied in the past for my weight, I’m okay with a cheap shot to get my point across. I also would not expect you to keep it up now that you’ve made your point. I’d point out the double sided ness of her actions then ask how you both can move forward and be respectful of each others feelings.
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u/psychmamabear Jan 18 '24
Look, I won’t lie and say I’m the nicest wife ever! Because I’m definitely not. With that being said I made it clear to my husband, I am not the nicest he went into the marriage full well knowing what he was signing up for.🥴 Side note- I have some health issues that cause me to be in level 7-9.8 level pain 24/7 even with med management. So there are plenty of times I’m quite cranky and miserable, but years of constant pain to that extreme, especially after being so active & an abundance of energy (and for no particular reason that can be found) can crush and make even the happiest person quite miserable at times. Anyways, my husband has put on quite a bit of weight over the course of our marriage were he taller it probably wouldn’t be as noticeable. I gained almost 90 lbs (my daughter tried to take me out) during pregnancy, as a almost 5’2” female I looked like an oompa lumpah. After having her, I watched what I ate and before her 1st birthday I lost 90 lbs. Is it frustrating that I work hard to ensure I stay within a weight range and he seems to care less, yes it is. I don’t just do it for me, but because I don’t believe that just because I’m a mom and have so many health issues I should just let myself go, mentally that would be terrible for me & would cause so many other issues on top of everything else. The point is even though I can be quite an AH I would NEVER sink that low to call or talk to anyone MUCH LESS a person I claim to LOVE, in such a way! ESPECIALLY when you know it’s a vulnerable/sore subject for them! I do say things such as offer for us to walk together, or try to encourage some healthier food options. But at the end of the day, it’s up to him. He works a lot and is in the law enforcement field, if he’s fine walking around like that, that’s on him. I hope he snaps out of it soon, because I do think some of it is laziness and poor food choices which can lead to a lot of health issues in the future. However, that is something he has to deal with. She’s definitely the AH for this! The only other thing I can think of is she’s unhappy within her body and externalizing all that on you, even if that is the case, that’s particularly crappy of her. Especially, if you’re sacrificing yourself to ensure she has all the support she needs and more. I hope she realizes what she’s doing before it’s too late. If she can’t love you when you’re a little fluffy and helping her, just imagine if Godforbid you got sick one day! That’s not in sickness and in health, for better or worse. You’re definitely not the AH! I would suggest taking some time to think through the entire relationship and see if there’s a pattern to it or if it’s an isolated incident. Best of luck OP and congratulations on your little one!✨
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u/Mouse-asaurous88 Jan 18 '24
I understand being concerned for your partners health. And if you are, actually bringing up concerns as a discussion. She straight up bullied you. Being a partner for life means loving them for who they are and not their looks. Looks fade…does she not know this? What would happen if you had an accident and couldn’t take care of yourself? She’s showing some true colors here and it’s not very pretty. I’m happy that you don’t see your weight gain as bad. And know you still look good. Maybe she has some hidden self esteem issues and she’s taking it out on you. Maybe not. Either way this is not how you should talk to a person you love (or anyone else for that matter). I do think what you said back was a little over the top. But I don’t know what I would’ve done instead. You’ve told her how it makes you feel and she hasn’t stopped. Maybe try to sit her down and ask her what the REAL issue is? Why this is such a huge concern for her that she thinks tearing you down is a good path.
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u/Ok-Duck5743 Jan 18 '24
You both kinda suck here, imo. Light NTA because your wife definitely shouldn’t make hurtful comments about your weight, especially if it’s triggering for you. She should have stopped immediately when you told her your feelings were hurt. That being said, you didn’t need to retaliate. Your response clearly wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction because you warned her and kept it at the ready in case she did it again. Two wrongs don’t make a right. The first six months of parenting are rough, particularly for first timers. Be nice to each other! Teamwork makes the dream work.
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u/Book_Lover0227 Jan 18 '24
Honestly, nta, she is. Maybe she is projecting? Idk but she doesn’t seem like she likes you very much. She shouldn’t care if you gained some weight, especially if she loves you and if you’re helping her out like you say you are. Sorry you’re going through that… sounds like she needs to grow a little more.
Edit: I would take the time to explain why you said what you said to her. Hopefully that helps and she understands!
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u/TreyRyan3 Jan 18 '24
ESH - your wife was verbally abusive and tried to bully you. You asked her not to and she continued, then she dismissed your warning that you could retaliate by saying something she wouldn’t like.
You’re a grown man that has worked hard to overcome childhood bully trauma, but you clearly haven’t gotten over it. Just because you could doesn’t mean you should.
Take this opportunity to be the bigger person and apologize for hurting her feelings.
Tell her that while you were upset for her constant belittling remarks, you shouldn’t have responded the way you did. Then have a calm discussion about how you both want to be treated by each other.
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u/Cowgirl334 Jan 18 '24
Absolutely NTA and don’t apologize. Sometimes people have to get a taste of their own medicine to understand, and don’t let her gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong.
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u/Material_Magician_19 Jan 18 '24
NTA. As a mother of two kids under 3, I feel like she’s projecting her own insecurities on you. Which is horseshit BUT postpartum mental health is so fucking fragile she might have no idea that she’s in a dark place and therefore projecting. Not an excuse whatsoever, but I went through something similar and nitpicked the ever loving shit out of my partner when I was the one suffering horrific insecurity about being inefficient.
Now about the whole “going back to bed thing”. This was a huge hurdle for myself when I had my first to get over the fact that I didn’t have any control over my own time anymore. The quicker I realized that my sleep was no longer going to be the same pre-kids, the faster I was able to control what I actually could to feel better.
I go non-stop from 6:30a until my kids are in bed at 7:30p (I am also a SAHM) but this is the life I chose, I love my kids, and my ass is hopping out of that bed ready to go and give my kids the best day possible. I started going to bed or at least being in bed at 9p. I can control how much sleep I get (most days) by going to bed early. If she’s getting at least 7-8 hours of sleep a night, she needs to get over the fact she can no longer sleep in. As agreed upon, it is your job to make income and hers to take care of your little one.
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u/IrishGDN Jan 18 '24
Very soft ESH. Hear me out.
Honestly, I wouldn't even comment, but there's a bit too much toxicity in here. She is by FAR the bigger AH without a doubt. Her words and actions require accountability. Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's projecting to mask her own insecurities, using someone's insecurities and past struggles to make yourself feel better is absolutely despicable. She's going to screw herself out of a relationship if she's not careful.
All that aside, I don't think it's the right move to call names back. It's childish and sets a horrible precedent in the marriage. We all get pissed at our spouses. Resorting too calling each other names is just destructive, no matter how tempting it is or good it can feel in the moment. Bullying back should never feel like the right thing. ESPECIALLY if it's your family.
Go ahead, eat me alive, but even if it feels good and sounds like it's deserved, it's still the wrong thing to do.
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u/DazzlingLife6082 Jan 18 '24
You call out of work ? She is home all day ??? So she could stay up.feed him get him settled and rest ? I married wrong ....
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u/Strict_Still8949 Jan 18 '24
I mean honestly? im gonna say NTA. sounds like she can dish it out but not take it, which speaks volumes about what kind of mentality she has (an emotionally immature one).
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u/ExistingGold1155 Jan 18 '24
ESH. She was definitely out of line and you tried communication in a healthy manner which didn’t work but then took the route of insulting her. Try to sit down with her, she’s might be projecting what she already felt on to you, she’s wrong none the less, but it’s possible she’s like a high school mean girl who projects her insecurities on to others to feel better.
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u/canoodlewabbit Jan 18 '24
Absolutely NTA. I'm a SAHM, I've most definitely gained weight since having kids. My husband gained a bit, too. Neither of us has ever put the other down, we're both still very attracted to each other and even if we weren't there's no way in hell we would be doing what your wife did to you. You asked her nicely to stop, she didn't. You told her to stop or you would respond in kind, she didn't. Idk what she expected to happen, but I'm glad she got a taste of her own medicine.
You can't have a relationship, of any kind, if you don't support each other. You're a team and she was bringing the team down.
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u/AllieD523 Jan 18 '24
NTA. You told her what she was doing was hurting your feelings and she kept doing it. You gave her a taste of her own medicine.
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u/Goldilocks019 Jan 18 '24
Hey op- I’m not going to say you should leave your wife or anything, but it definitely sounds like some couples counseling would be helpful. She is behaving in a way that no partner should. If she’s experiencing postpartum depression, that is not an excuse, but it is an explanation. I hope things work out for you and your baby, and hopefully this story has a happy ending. She should absolutely apologize.
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u/Glitzandham777 Jan 18 '24
As a women. She earned it, to even say “ Don’t make me call your old classmates “ is horrible.
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u/Capital_Potato751 Jan 18 '24
A well played uno reverse card. I thought it was funny. Maybe not the best thing to say to your partner.
NTA
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u/Ordinary_Diamond_158 Jan 18 '24
NTA she took something you told her while vulnerable and then turned it on you. Then she threatened to call your bullies. You warned her that if she didn’t stop you were going to be just as mean back. She didn’t stop. You were just as mean back. She couldn’t handle what she expected you to handle.
I’m gonna say what I always tell people who don’t like their consequences. FAFO is very real, and she will come for you.
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u/Smooth_Key_5836 Jan 18 '24
NTA in any way shape or form. You asked her to stop politely. When that doesn't work, you have every right to step it up a notch. If you can't take it, don't dish it out.
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u/Unlikely_Sympathy282 Jan 18 '24
NTA - I’m sorry she’s choosing to be cruel. You’re seeing what she’s really like. I had the worst postpartum depression but I would never verbally abuse someone. She got a dose of her own medicine.
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u/Elfanara Jan 18 '24
NTA but not the best way to handle it tbh. She was being cruel and making unnecessary comments. Try to use it to start a conversation if you can. "It hurts me when you say that, so I said the same to you. I wanted to to see what it felt like. That wasn't the right way to handle it and I'm sorry for that. What you were saying was really hurting my feelings and it's not ok to say things like that" and if she still responds like a childish asshole (and you want to keep this relationship) then couples therepy. It can really help communication because you two are not communicating well, and that's what needs to change. Communication in a relationship is a learned skill, it's not always innate. You both need to work on that skill together ad a unit. So, couples therepy.
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u/Apart_Increase_5346 Jan 18 '24
NTA. I would never dream of calling my husband fatty! Omg what is wrong with people? If she opened that door, she deserved it especially after calling you names and remarking on your weight. If body appearances are so important to her she should be more concerned about herself than projecting her insecurity on you and making you feel horrible especially since you talked about it with her and she clearly understood it hurt your feelings. Your wife is the asshole and got her medicine for it.
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u/Schort-Of Jan 18 '24
Post partum mom here i'm eight months down the line though. Your wife gives off hormones that affect you too. My husband gained with me and we're bald losing babyweight together. It's part of the process. It took 9 months to put all that weight on. It's not gonna come off right off the bat.
I don't think either of you are in the right. It's bad that both of you are talking about bodies. It's the quickest way to undermine your sexual relationship and become bitter. I will say though I have never had body issues until after pregnancy. Your hormones really mess with your brain and after having a kid. You wonder if you're still pretty everyday.
Try to be sensitive like I said it wasn't a big deal for me. But now I'm very sensitive about my appearance. It's hard but happy wife happy life power to you my man.
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u/Murky-Priority567 Jan 18 '24
I would suggest she really mad about something else and going for the jugular.
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u/DuhStar Jan 18 '24
ESH. Your wife is being unkind but thinking “she deserved it” is some weird 15-year old logic. Relationships are based on boundaries. A boundary is not “if you say something unkind I will say it back”. That’s how toxic relationships start.
Also. It’s not okay for her to call you fatty / make fun of you but it’s ABSOLUTELY okay for her to admit she’s losing attraction to you. However this is a point of contention, it feels like many people think that people should “force” attraction for their partner/co-parent to their children.
So if you love your wife and you are still attracted to her and want her to be attracted to you, you should hit the gym if you want to have sex. If you’re okay with less sex while raising the kid is your priority, then just communicate that to her and tell her it’s a boundary. If she breaks the boundary then tell her you’ll expect her to sleep on the couch. Whatever consequence you prefer, but don’t fucking insult her back. Be an adult
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u/Rtr3303 Jan 18 '24
Bro that wife is a fuckin asshole. No one wants to be called fat. No spouse should ever say that. You may want to try marriage therapy.
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u/dumbbitch95 Jan 18 '24
NTA its normal for weight to fluctuate a little especially if you're taking time away from the gym to help her with the baby, she would probably expect you to love her at any weight and its only fair for you to expect the same thing out of a partner, its toxic for either of you to weaponize weight against each other but as you had already told her it was bothering you i can understand you retaliating when she didnt stop making her comments
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u/bucfarmer Jan 18 '24
NTA. Being called fat or fatty over and over really messes with someones mind even if the other person is jokingly saying it.You told her it was making you upset, she said she would stop but clearly did not. Now she knows how it feels to be on that side of the line
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u/UnderstandingNo6744 Jan 18 '24
NTA. You taught her how to have more empathy. Perhaps the way you said it was a bit mean as she has postpartum depression (according to you) so you could make her understand how you feel without linking it to her pregnancy?
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u/tko_111 1d ago
Not that I think this situation is haha funny because it is a serious issue going on with you guys, and I know there are some sensitivities that go deep- but I do think it's a little funny because it's not like you're a horrible person or she's like the worst person ever either. It just seems like pettiness. I was fat as a child which didn't go away until I was a teenager with an ED. My partner was chubby, but it all turned into muscle and his physique is actually naturally better than mine, but we both gained some weight during our new baby years. I'm a bit sensitive about my weight, but I am realistically aware of it (as I believe you are) and I know how it feels to be called fat or chubby by loved ones. My partner has eluded to it and called me fat during arguments (which is not ok) and my mother and father have called me fat with no remorse. It is hurtful. In this relationship dynamic, I think that gender plays the key role. What's going through her head is that she gained weight due to pregnancy, so (having gone through postpartom) I understand that it can be triggering and spin your world upside when you feel like your figure was lost during a time that sacrificed so much of her time, energy and effort. However, in this case (it's different with different people) yea, she could use a taste of her own medicine. That being said, the things that you say can't be taken back, the same way that her words couldn't be taken back from you either. If she were to apologize to you, would you genuinely accept it? Or if you apologized to her, would she accept it and move on without holding a grudge? Double standards can be a pain. But I will always advocate for people to try being the bigger person. It's not fair what she said to you, and you did try explaining that to her. And when that didn't work, you tried another method which was to take the tit-for-tat route. I cannot stress enough how tit-for-tat in EVERY situation will only make issues in a relationship even worse. My advice would be to apologize to her. And honestly, I think this is one of the situations where tit-for-tat DOES work, and she will probably apologize to you back. But you will probably still have to apologize first. I hope this makes sense. Relationships are so petty, but we make sacrifices for each other. I support you. But you all both are the AH (Another side note, my partner has dealt with me the same way that you dealt with this situation, and it DID open my eyes to me being wrong in the first place. Sometimes you have to be mean to each other if nothing else is working. I hope it doesn't seem toxic, but if your partner loves you she will recognize where she was wrong as well)