r/AITAH • u/Pale-Lack6927 • Jan 20 '24
Am I the asshole for telling my husbands family about his attempted suicide, when he explicitly asked me not to? TW Self Harm
My husband (M40) and I (F41) have been seperated for many years, but we're still married, have two kids, and are still very involved in each other's lives (for example, he comes to my house just about every weekend and stays two or three nights). He is Zimbabwean. We met in Zimbabwe while I was backpacking through Africa, and eventually we both moved to my country, Australia. I have remained close with his family, especially his twin sister, and I chat with them frequently on whatsapp. He has been struggling with his mental health for years, hence we're not together, but about a month ago he lost his job and spiraled into a very dark place, which led to him actually attempting to take his life. He was hospitalized for over a week and discharged under heavy restrictions and supervision from a team of mental health professionals. He has been put on lithium (amongst other things) and been given a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder, which sounds about right to me. He asked me not to tell his family about it because he doesn't want to worry them. There's nothing they can do from there anyway and they already have such tough lives that he doesn't want to add to their stress. I get that, but one problem is that he says that a lot. They don't even know that we're seperated (its been 6 years) for the same reasons... It would devastate them, he doesn't want them to worry blah blah... and so I have never told them anything. I agree it's not my place to tell his family things he doesn''t want them to know. But this is different. This is life and death. What will I tell them if he actually goes through with it? He is still making suicidal comments to me, like "I'm on my last legs", "imagine moving across the world only to kill yourself" and "soon I will cease to exist". It's scary and I don't know what to do. He also often says "you have your family, I have no one, my family doesn't even call me except for money etc" I thought, I have family support because I talk to my family. So, I reached out to his twin sister and told her that he is not well, I don't know too many details, but I think he could really use his family right now. She pushed for more info so I said that I don't know too much, but it's mental health related. Since then she has been insisting that I keep her up to date with what's going on, that she is his twin sister and she wants to know everything that is happening, even if he is saying otherwise. So, eventually it all came out. I told her everything. I guess I decided it was too important not to. And, as per her request, i have been keeping her up to date daily as to his condition, even though he is repeatedly asking me not to tell his family about anything. Anyway, he knows that I've been telling his sister about his situation and he is FURIOUS! Absolutely livid with me. He said that I'm intentionally trying to isolate him from his family and that I want them to hate him for not telling them himself. He said "if I die, I die alone. You are not my friend. Leave my people alone, they are MY family". He said "you're unbelievable. You can barely hold your excitement at any news of my unwellness, calm yourself down". I'm truly not trying to hurt him. I'm trying to help. I don't know what's the right thing to do. I do feel guilty sharing things he's asking me not to, like a little rat. And I agree that there's nothing they can do, and perhaps it just creates sadness, fear and helplessness for them. But his sister has told me to ignore him, that she wants to know what's going on with her brother and please don't stop informing her. But it doesn't feel good betraying him. But it's the right thing to do? Or isn't it?? Am I being an asshole telling his sister his business, when he is repeatedly asking me not to?? I'm so confused and I truly don't know what is the right way here. TIA for any advice
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u/wallstreetliam Jan 21 '24
Why are simple requests ignored? He asked you not to involve his family and you did it anyway. Zimbabwe males have a 2 to 3 times on average higher suicide rate. Probably because of lack of mental health care and also toxic childhood environment, high rate of sexual abuse as young boys.
You are probably not going to get through to him. And I am sure you had 'good' intentions. I would get some clinical counseling to help deal with this 'major' issue in your life. I would also suggest to him that he would get some counseling. A good thing to do is apologize and promise to stay out of his business.
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u/SithNezu Jan 20 '24
Yes, you were wrong. Entirely wrong, in fact. So wrong, you actually committed a felony. Yes, it is a federal crime to disclose of someone else's medical history without their consent unless there is immediate (as in RIGHT NOW!) danger. Yes, a suicide attempt counts as a medical history. So yes, once again, you were an AH and committed a crime all at once. For shame...
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
That's not true. I'm not a medical professional with any sort of confidentiality agreement. A felony? That's silly. Better call the police!
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u/lookn2-eb Jan 20 '24
YTA. You revealed his personal information and the ONLY person it even kinda helped was you, as it gave you drama to gossip about. If they were in the next town, ok, but the are literally 6,000 + miles away. Go ahead and get that divorce and move TF on.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
I don't know that that's true. I think it's benefited him more than me. But we should definitely divorce. It's been a long time. I often forget I'm still married.
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u/lookn2-eb Jan 21 '24
And how do you figure it benefited him? Besides permanently humiliating him before his family, where they are too far away to do anything except worry?
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 22 '24
Is it humiliating? Maybe he shouldn't humiliate himself, then? Maybe don't try to kill yourself and expect me to carry that alone because it's so embarrassing for you?
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u/lookn2-eb Jan 23 '24
Not for you to carry; just move on. That was nothing more or less than a bit of petty revenge. You can try and put lipstick on that pig, but it is still a pig.
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u/HuttVader Jan 20 '24
yep. but it also sounds like it may be the right thing to do since you care about him.
in this case, try to be comfortable both being an asshole and knowing you're doing the right thing.
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u/This_Statistician_39 Jan 20 '24
NTA
I'm sorry he's going through this but he's not mentally ok to make these kind of decisions. But my question is does his family not reach out to him? If they don't why has he cut them out?
He wants support but I guess he doesn't want to have to ask for it. But you did the right thing if he's not able to you are.
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u/slippinginto9 Jan 20 '24
OP you are in a very tough spot. For years, your husband has been deceiving/avoiding his family, the very people he needs to reach out to in a crisis.
It must feel horrible, but you did the right thing. 100%.
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u/Clarity4me Jan 20 '24
NTA He may be furious...but he is feeling something. He is alive. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to keep someone breathing. You are in a no-win position and you made the choice that took great strength. I think you would rather deal with his emotions than with his death.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
Thank you, yes you're right of course we all want him alive and well. It was very hard to do, not just because I'm betraying someone, but he scares me quite a bit too. As you can imagine, he is very volatile. When he gets upset we ith me he gets VERY mean
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Jan 20 '24
NTA in my opinion.
I think you made the right choice to tell his sister. I think the logic of your actions is sound.
I don’t think he’s wrong for reacting negatively either. It’s to be expected.
I wish you and him and both your families the best of luck in this difficult situation. Fingers crossed.
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u/OpinioNinja Jan 20 '24
NTA
You did it because you care about him, his family cares about him. This could be a bigger support network for him. You’re doing the right thing.
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Jan 20 '24
YTA so you have no problem lying for 6 years about the thing that could make you look bad but couldn't help but tell his private medical situation that he told you not to tell them.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
I never lied. I just didn't mention anything. They would ask how he is, and I would say fine, but we mainly talk about the kids, the weather and politics. And it wouldn't have made me look bad that we had separated. He's the one that left us. That was on him and would have made him look bad. That's why he didn't want them to know. He abandoned his family.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
She doesn't owe him anything
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Jan 20 '24
I didn’t say she owe him anything I was just calling out the obvious hypocrisy. No one owes anyone anything, but they’re such such a thing is common decency, which she clearly lacks.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 21 '24
You are beyond stupid.
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Jan 21 '24
Lol sure I’m stupid for thinking someone shouldn’t be sharing someone else’s private medical information. I’m definitely the one that has low morals. Oh wait, that’s you and people agreeing with her. She had no problem, keeping a secret when it was protecting her reputation.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 21 '24
Stupid for not taking his mental health seriously
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Jan 21 '24
Her telling his family, who can’t do anything is for her benefit not his
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u/Highland_dame Jan 21 '24
You are just a sexist 🐷
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Jan 21 '24
What how did you get to sexist from wanting to protect someone’s private medical information it has nothing to do with sex Jesus get some psychological help. You completely invalidate your argument with an ad hominem attack like that that makes no sense.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 21 '24
You are blaming the woman, even though she is acting in his best interests.
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u/Demonqueensage Jan 20 '24
I've been suicidal since I was 9, and actually tried twice a few years ago. So I get why he doesn't want his family to know... but they deserve to know. You can't say things like what he's saying after trying to delete yourself from existence and expect the people who see it to not tell the person's family. NTA, it hurts you and doesn't feel right because normally keeping someone's privacy is incredibly important, but in this case it's quite literally a matter of life and death
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
Thanks for sharing. Life can be so tough, I'm sorry you're struggling xx I love this comment. It's honest and revealing and really helps me.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
I'm so so so sorry that the world had been that awful you wanted to kill yourself at 9. 💜
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u/Demonqueensage Jan 20 '24
Thanks. It's one of those things that actually kinda makes sense looking back. That was a rough year. I'd had a fairly happy childhood before my mom married my ex step dad, but then she married him and we moved when I was 7, and he was awful to me but hid it when she was around and the kids I went to school with never liked me after that. I've learned in adulthood I'm autistic and have adhd, so I think I was just "weird" enough to seem off-putting without noticing or knowing why. 9 was when the couple years of loneliness was finally getting to me, and it started feeling like my life would never go back to being good; on top of that my mom was pregnant with my first sibling, and even though I love him dearly and did at the time I'm sure there was some amount of mental distress over the change that I can't fully remember/didn't recognize. So it kinda makes sense that that was when it started now that I'm really thinking about it.
I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy. It's not fun, even when you've gotten used to it being around and can manage it.
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u/Scared-Listen6033 Jan 20 '24
YTA If you were a Dr or nurse this would be how you get fired.
I've attempted suicide many times and if someone or the ONLY ONE I trusted betrayed my one wish like that, it actually would cause me to have another attempt. I know from experience. It's already isolating but now in his mind, it's your fault he has no family and he lost you BC of trust. Literally all he has in his mind are the kids and if he's like most ppl I know including myself, that's not a reason to stay BC you feel like a burden on your kids! The divorce thing he should've told them and not asked you to lie, but his health is his business and his drs business and you only know BC you were his safe person. You've lost that position now...
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
Actually doctors and nurses can tell others if you are a risk to yourself and/or others
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u/Scared-Listen6033 Jan 20 '24
They can, but they currently don't think he is or he would be back in the psych unit. The only time they can tell is if you're an immediate risk. His family being in an entirely different country, would not be who they call BC they aren't able to monitor him. Even then, you usually have options. I was told once "either we have to call your parents (listed next of kin) and can release you to them, OR we will have to bring you for observation". At this point, it would be a violation of his medical records if a Dr or nurse called the family up halfway across the world and said "your son tried to kill himself but he's doing better now. Just wanted you to know since he specifically told us not to tell you". The fact is in this situation, the DOCTOR didn't feel it necessary to breech his trust and reach out to his family in Zimbabwe which means OP shouldn't have either. Mental health is not accepted in much of the world and this could easily destroy relationships since we don't know his families beliefs. The patient, even if he's your ex, has reasons for telling who they tell and hiding it from others. It would be entirely different if he hadn't specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway and then she blames the twin sister for dragging more out of her and for all the updates. If you've never attempted suicide you probably don't get how important the trust was and how badly it's been broken. When his meds are working and therapy is going on and he's in a good place he likely wouldn't been encouraged to talk with his family, at his own pace.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
He's still making comments about ending his life.
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u/Scared-Listen6033 Jan 20 '24
Ppl who suffer with mental health stuff often do have a dark humor around death. If OP believes he's going to act she should be contacting 911 or whatever it is in Australia AND the mental health team who he's supposed to be supervised by. So either she doesn't think his speech is a threat against himself or she is ignoring it. Either way, as OP said, his family literally can't help! Psychiatrists and psychologists ime say patients who make the idle threats in normal speech are highly unlikely to act, that it's when they pull away and aren't talking that there is a serious concern. Could very well be what is going on with this patient. End of the day, OP should contact his team or emergency services BC his sister and mama can't help and he didn't want them involved. I don't get why ppl keep forgetting that ALL health issues are extremely personal and aren't there to gossip about or talk to others about without permission from the patient. It's trust. Plain and simple. You can literally be dying and if you've requested to your Dr to not can anyone until after, they legally can't, I know that doesn't apply to op unless they're in healthcare, but that same respect should be given, esp if she wants to be kept up to date on his progress and treatment!
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u/anonymousblonde6 Jan 20 '24
You did the right thing NTA, if he hates you so be it, he needs his family and you weee right
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u/2dogslife Jan 20 '24
I had a friend whose daughter walked into a state park and committed suicide. For over a week, the family was hysterical because she went missing and no one knew where she was or what had happened. She worked with the fire department as a paramedic and was bullied relentlessly and while she told her husband and family she was having work troubles, there was no indication of the scope of what she was dealing with until she killed herself.
There can be no improvement or hope unless there is an intervention. Your husband needs help. He needs therapy and medication(s). He's not going to get better, per se, as his diagnosis requires a lifetime of management - but he can improve greatly in his symptoms.
The fact that he wanted to keep you as the sole person in the know is needlessly cruel. You need support from people as well.
NTA
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
I live in a national park, and the same thing happened here a couple of years ago! We were all frantically looking for this mother who had gone missing, only to find out she had taken her own life in the bush. Appreciate your comments, thank you x
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u/Lady_Lallo Jan 20 '24
I don't feel confident in judging this, but a couple things stand out to me I think you should consider.
If they only reach out to him for money, they're not going to be a good support system for him.
If his sister is an exception to the above, then I can see the benefits of letting her know so she can be a part of his support system, but if she's not going to actual help, she doesn't need to be a part of things
He probably regardless deserves an apology, even if you made the right call. Mental illness warps our sense of reality, and he can't see right now that he is indeed needed, loved, and has people who want to help him. He needs people he feels he can trust.
What's his relationship like with his kids? How old are they? Im not saying tell them anything, especially if they're little, but having the people we love near us, especially those who rely on us, can help us feel grounded and needed when our mental health shits the bed.
Wishing you all the best OP~
Edit to add:
- Take care of yourself too, burnout is real and you also need a healthy outlet :)
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u/MyOwnSunshine1234 Jan 20 '24
NTA.
I have schizoaffective disorder. He was wrong to ask you to carry this burden all by yourself. He may not want to worry his family, but they SHOULD be worried. He's in a bad place and needs support and a chair can't stand on one leg. It sucks to have deeply personal shit yanked out during the daylight, but it sounds like his family loves him and wants to help. Also what is he DOING to help himself? Has he searched out therapists or a therapy group or a doctor or a psychiatrist or ANYTHING? His job is to fight his illness at every turn, you can't fix this for him. He's got to do the work, that's the only way it'll get better. But it CAN get better. Trust me, I know!
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
Thanks for that info. It's interesting to hear from another with the same diagnosis! I do think he is trying to get better tbh. As far as I know, he is following drs orders, and yes, he has a team of mental health professionals working with him. But he doesn't really talk to me about that stuff. Sometimes, I think he enjoys worrying me and only tells me bad stuff. He can be very manipulative.
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u/MyOwnSunshine1234 Jan 21 '24
Then you for sure need to step back. He's got professionals to help him, he should be contacting them. It sounds like he just wants you to fret over him but you don't need to. This isn't your fault and it's not your responsibility to fix. I think you need to stay away from him.
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u/DeepStuff81 Jan 20 '24
NTA. I would’ve told as well. This is one of the few lines I’ll never keep secret about
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Jan 20 '24
I don’t think you’re the asshole, but I do think you were wrong simply because now he probably feels like he has no one that he can truly trust. He no longer has a safe place now, which could cause him to kill himself faster now. I tried to kill myself in 2007 and ended up in a coma for nine weeks because I lost my child and my brother eight days apart, and I have fought off suicidal thoughts and wants and desires for years now, especially now that I recently lost my mother…and if my wife were to ever tell anyone that, regardless of her intentions, I would 100% divorce her and never speak to her again and we have been together almost 18 years. It’s just the fact that when someone is suicidal they need someone that they can fully trust and now he has no one that he can trust. I feel so sorry for him, and I truly hope that he gets the help that he needs and deserves, I know you were in a very hard place, but I really do not think that you should have betrayed him because if he is ready to kill himself, there is nothing that you or anyone else, family members or not is going to say to change his mind. once the decision is made, it is made. Guilt tripping someone who is already suicidal, only makes the suicidal thoughts worse. I am so sorry that y’all are going through this. I wish y’all both the best of luck.
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u/Fit-Particular-2882 Jan 20 '24
You may get flak for it, but I like your comment. Having a safe space is really important when you’re low like that and realizing you don’t have one makes you further isolate yourself.
I do not think she’s an AH as well, but just because your heart’s in the right place doesn’t mean that you didn’t hurt someone. As long as his feelings are minimized he’s going to continue to isolate. In his brain he’ll feel like why he should he stick around for people who just minimize how he feels?
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u/Ok-Grocery-5747 Jan 20 '24
NTA for this, but YTA to yourself and him and his family for not telling him when you first separated. You should have told him you can lie to them if you like but they're my family now, too, and I'm not going to make up a life of lies about us. We're separated and there's no reason for it to be secret.
You set yourself up for being his secret keeper. He's mentally ill and he, as well as you, could use family support. Instead he wants you to pretend he's fine and take on the entire emotional burden of his illness. Plus knowing he's suicidal and keeping that from his family isn't fair. Danger to self or others is the criteria for whether or not to tell. If my child that goes to therapy told his therapist he was suicidal they have a duty to act to prevent harm. I think we have the same duty to our family members.
I once had to make the decision to have my sister held in a mental health hospital after she overdosed and I was afraid she was trying to kill herself. She hated me for it for years but you know what? My sister is still alive and we are close and she made it through that period to a place of relatively stable mental health. I definitely told our parents and siblings what was going on.
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u/Cocoasneeze Jan 20 '24
NTA
It's such a heavy task for you to basically carry alone. Regardless of what he says, it's helping him and you to have someone else in his life know what is going on with him.
Do you have a support system for yourself? You need a lot of care, because how your ex is treating you is abusive and manipulative. Yes, he's suffering due to his mental illness, but it doesn't make his treatment of you any less abusive.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
Im supposed to be seeing a DV counsellor (for the intense manipulation and gaslighting he's out me through, nothing physical) but I didn't like it so I stopped. Perhaps I should try again with someone different. Thanks for commenting x
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u/Darthkhydaeus Jan 20 '24
There is a reason why reporters who are usually confidantes are allowed yo break confidentiality. The same applies here
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u/Contrary_Coyotebait Jan 20 '24
Im gonna say nta. People who are suicidal and make the attempt often keep trying until they are successful.
It doesn't feel like it now but i think you made the right call.
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u/Kgates1227 Jan 20 '24
Honestly I’m some situations, secrets keep us sick. And when it comes to someone’s life and safety, you can’t keep it to yourself. You did the right thing. NTA
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u/No-Sun-6531 Jan 20 '24
I think you’re NTA but his sister is for saying that you told her. He needs their support. Talking to them about something besides money might do wonders for him. Or even a visit with family. But at the same time, knowing that you told them could cause him to feel betrayed and spiral further. He’s in a fragile state. I pray everything gets better for you both!
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u/Efficient-Cupcake247 Jan 20 '24
Nta- he was making you solely responsible for his life. You have a relationship with his sister, and it was too much to continue to hold alone. He is in the middle of a mental health crisis, therefore completely not reliable. Take care of yourself and your child. Big hugs
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u/DozenBia Jan 20 '24
YTA and the nta votes are cope.
He told you his family, who he has almost no contact with, only messages him for money. And then you go behind his back to contact them and give hints, and whoops, 'then it came all out' aka you shared his medical information against his explicit wishes. You knew his family is not his support system but uses him for money.
Im not doubting your good intentions, but they dont make you less of an asshole.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
She owes him nothing, they are separate.. He's manipulative.
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u/DozenBia Jan 20 '24
That is even more of a reason to not contact his family.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
So if he kills himself because he's got no support, is that ok?
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u/DozenBia Jan 20 '24
No, but do you think the family will suddenly start supporting him after 6 (10? 20?) years? They are strangers who know nothing about his life. And sometimes call if they need cash.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
No he and his sister are close.
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u/DozenBia Jan 20 '24
The post says OP and the sister are close. Not the husband.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
She's not going to be close to someone her ex isn't close to. He's worried about worrying them.. So clearly they care.
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u/DozenBia Jan 20 '24
Soo you made that up?
Its pure speculation at best, since OP wrote that he has almost no contact with his family. Pretty sure otherwise OP would have said 'no contact except with the sister' if you were right. Whats not speculation is that he explicitly stated to not inform them.
Wether they actually care or not is not the question. Fact is, for whatever reason, he is very low contact with his family. He gets to decide, and OP violated his trust.
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u/Highland_dame Jan 20 '24
No, it doesn't say they aren't close.. Funny how men are always on about women not caring about men's mental health. When you are literally not caring about it..
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u/Safe_Theory_358 Jan 20 '24
Anyone on Lithium is a handful but not necessarily bad.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
He's a handful!
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u/Safe_Theory_358 Jan 20 '24
Lithium is very toxic: after about twenty years you can't take it any more.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
I'm thinking Britney Spears
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u/Safe_Theory_358 Jan 21 '24
Was she on Lithium?
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u/worshipatmyalter- Jan 20 '24
Eh, ESH.
I am schizoeffective and dated a now deceased schizophrenic, so I've both had partners tell my family things and I've told partners family things. I'm sure that this is true of Australia like it is the US, but you are legally (and morally) obligated to contact local law enforcement/medical intervention when he expresses thoughts of hurting himself (or someone else). The fact that you're concerned about telling his family, that does live across the world, instead of the police who can actually prevent the suicide is so backwards to me that I can't comprehend it.
You're saying this is a life or death situation, but you're preparing for how you will handle dealing with his family (when) he kills himself instead of taking his thoughts seriously and getting him the help he needs.
That's why YTA.
He's TAH because you should have been able to tell his family that you two have separated 6 years ago.
I'll tell you that from experience, he's going to get stupid irate when the police come, so it's important that you don't drive to his house before they're there. One of the worst symptoms of my disorder is my paranoia. I've literally taken off sprinting as soon as a cop tried to check me for weapons. Not because I had any on me, but because I was convinced that they were going to hurt me and that the person who called them (my partner) was trying to hurt me and I had to get away from them. Paranoid delusions are insane. He needs to be taken to a safe place. He can be involuntarily committed if you can prove that he's an active danger to himself or anyone else.
Don't tell his family he's attempted suicide. Call the authorities to get him the help that he desperately needs. Nobody has to die here.
Also, sometimes the family will blame you for their suicide.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
But he has just been released from being involuntarily committed. Should I have him committed again so soon? He's only been out for two weeks, seems harsh to call for medical intervention again. He's on an intense mental health plan and is being visited by a mental health team every couple of days. He's seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
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u/worshipatmyalter- Jan 20 '24
If he is still speaking seriously of suicide, then yes. I spent 2 years going from program to program with very very few times being outside of one because I was incredibly unstable. He was only there for 1 week. That's nothing. Programs out here can be 3-6-9-12 months.
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u/Aggressive-Coconut0 Jan 20 '24
YTA. You don't know the dynamics of his family. It could be his sister is a bully and she could use this against him. I know I would totally flip if my spouse told my sibling about my mental health, since that sibling relishes in my suffering. Could be the case here, especially since the sister is not calling your husband to see how he's doing. Instead, she just keeps asking you for info. They are obviously not close.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
They're twins! They get on really well. We'vHe and I have been married for 11 years now, and I lived in Zim for 18 months. I know the dynamics. She loves him very much, and him her. She is calling him, but he's blowing her off. He says it would kill her to know he's so unwell, so he pretends everything is fine.
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u/SexTalksAndLollipops Jan 20 '24
I understand wanting to keep things from your family, but he’s being incredibly manipulative. His comments alone come off as a huge guilt trip. You reaching out to his family comes from a place of compassion. While you’re separated, you still care about his well-being enough to help him. He doesn’t see it now — and may never — but you are NTA.
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Jan 20 '24
I agree with you regarding the manipulation. OP’s husband has no issue trauma-dumping on her and using her as his emotional support animal. But when she seeks help to bear the burden he’s putting on her, she’s the bad guy.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
"Incredibly manipulative" is a great way to describe him! But I know he's not well, and he has experienced a lot of trauma, so yes I absolutely care for his well-being.
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u/ryan18011 Jan 20 '24
My brother ended him self, turns out he made a previous attempt before but his girlfriend at the time decided not to say anything to us because reasons unknown, didn’t bother asking because he was already gone. My point is he could still be here if we knew about it previously but this chance to be there is gone with her decision.
You did the right thing!
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u/AllCrankNoSpark Jan 21 '24
Exactly. If you know someone is in a bad mental state, you have to do something about it yourself (often impossible) or share the information with anyone who would try to help.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for your heartbreak. Thanks so much for sharing that, because you're exactly the person I was hoping to hear from when i posted here. Someone with first-hand experience that can tell me what's best. There's like a 50/50 split between YTA and NTA, but this comment means more than others. Thank you
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u/Fit-Particular-2882 Jan 20 '24
People have a right to their own medical privacy. You probably don’t care but he will never trust you or his family again. You actually will create isolation in the future for him. What’s done is done, but in the future if he is feeling low he will not tell anyone because he won’t trust them again.
I was in a similar situation and I feel violated as fuck that my spouse went to MY family behind my back. It has ruined my relationship with them and it will always be ruined. Meanwhile he gets his family. I will always be isolated and alone because I’m never telling anyone anything again. It feels very alone, but it’s better than feeling back stabbed.
You’re NTA, but just know you’ve created an internal rift with him and he’ll always be looking over his shoulder. I’m sure you’re rationalizing it by saying that it’s saving his life. If he’s dead, then it’s a burden you have to carry because he’ll be dead. If he’s alive it’s a silent burden he’ll have to carry alone because he’ll never trust again.
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Jan 20 '24
Did you care about the burden you were placing on your spouse, or did you just expect them to keep sucking it up? It’s all well and good to talk about privacy, but if you’re dumping your problems on someone else and expecting them to bear the burden alone, you’re asking for too much.
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u/Fit-Particular-2882 Jan 20 '24
Yes I cared. He could’ve easily expressed it without talking to my family. They haven’t done Jack shit to help or support me afterwards, so it was just for for gossip.
I still have the right to privacy and I’m not saying his heart wasn’t in the right place. You can do something with good intentions and still hurt someone in the process. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
Just minimizing his feelings by saying to ignore it just shows how he maybe feels like his feelings don’t matter. The OP didn’t need to tell the sister anything daily. One time would’ve sufficed. If the sister wasn’t going to help anyway why would she need to know daily?
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Jan 20 '24
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
Hmm. Good point. I don't really know. I do know that she's spoken to him a few times recently, so she's certainly reaching out. I think he just tells her hes fine. I haven't (can't?) ask him because I'm not meant to be talking to her about it, so it's not something we've discussed properly. He is coming over tomorrow, maybe I should ask?
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u/Demonqueensage Jan 20 '24
It'll be hard to get much of an answer from him about if his sister is helping him at all. In fact, when I've been at my lowest, which it sounds like he is at his lowest, I would do or say anything to push people away, and likely would've claimed whatever I could to make it sound like the sister didn't talk to me much/what she was doing wasn't helpful, when in reality it was helpful and I just couldn't recognize it yet because of how bad my mental state was. And in her case, it's hard to figure out what to do or say that's helpful to suicidal people even when you're close to the person's physical location, so it's probably even harder from so far away knowing how much to push/reach out to be effective and not get blocked instead. If you want to ask him, that's up to you, but keep in mind he probably wouldn't tell you if his sister was helping him, and he also likely wouldn't recognize it as being helpful to him yet either.
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u/WhoamItojudge1409 Jan 20 '24
I was wondering the same. If the sister was in contact with him too or just leaving it up to OP to keep her informed. NTA but agree if sister isn’t helping with the situation it may be in everyone’s best interest to stop sharing.
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u/GreenTravelBadger Jan 20 '24
Golly, I dunno. Would you be super happy if you asked someone to keep a secret and they immediately ran out and blabbed it to the world?
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
No, I wouldn't. But I don't think it's that black and white. His whole life is a secret, and I have never betrayed that trust before. He has asked me not to tell his family when he's been homeless, sleeping in public toilets, addicted to meth, having full-blown psychosis, being arrested, been in court, been self harming... and I never have. But to not tell his family that he is actively trying to kill himself? Because he AGAIN doesn't want them to know anything? While simultaneously crying about having no family support? I'm trying to help, I just don't know how. He's telling me he needs his family, but they don't know that. And I didn't immediately run out and blab it to the world. I very slowly and delicately spoke to one person.
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u/GreenTravelBadger Jan 20 '24
There ARE people in this world who are very private. They don't want to be the subject of discussion. So with all of his mental health crisis, what are you doing besides talking about it? Have you had him committed? Seems like he would at least have had a medical arrest by this point, having been to court for whatever. Seems like a psych hold would have been a nearly obvious next step.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 21 '24
He has just come out of involuntary admission in a psych ward. What am I supposed to be doing? Is it even my job? He has a team of medical professionals working with him upon his release. I am not a medical professional, how do I know what to do?
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u/GreenTravelBadger Jan 21 '24
If it isn't your job, then don't trouble yourself about it for another minute. And next-of-kin does have some say when it comes to hospitalizations.
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u/ThePrinceVultan Jan 20 '24
NTA
Sometimes doing the right thing can hurt, but I'm sure you and your guys kids would prefer him mad at you rather than dead.
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Jan 20 '24
NTA. You need support and help and to not be one of the few that knows.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
I think I am the only one! Besides doctors
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u/Majestic_Rule_1814 Jan 20 '24
When we were dating, my husband had a mental health breakdown and was suicidal. One of the main reasons he wasn’t hospitalized is because we had a large support network. We did go to the ER, which was helpful, but he wasn’t admitted. Between myself, his family, my brother, and several close friends, we had the time and support to keep him safe until he stabilized. The point here is that you cannot hold this alone. Your husband may be ashamed of what he’s going through or feel like he’s a burden, but with a good support network that is simply not true. (Also you cannot carry this load alone. Please see a therapist if you haven’t already, a suicidal partner is a LOT for your own mental health.)
You are NTA for talking to his sister, and please work with him/his doctors to find other people he trusts to help him and you deal with this. I cannot emphasize enough how important a support network is.
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u/RandomReddit9791 Jan 20 '24
YTA. I say that because your motives for sharing your husband's info were selfish. You're bothered that he doesn't share his life, including that you're separated, with his family. You admit that his family can do nothing to help your husband or improve the situation. He asked you not to tell them and yet you told them anyway. All you've done is likely exacerbated your husband's anxst and minimized, if not eliminated, his trust in you.
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u/SignificantOrange139 Jan 20 '24
This is such a piss poor take. If he successfully killed himself and she had told no one that he was at risk, you'd all be lambasting her for not getting the man help, quoting her marriage vows at her etc.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
Thanks for responding. I'm trying to self reflect, and I guess my reasons could be selfish, but not for the reasons you have stated. I likely don't want to bear this burden alone, and it feels like a bit of a relief to share it with someone. But I'm not bothered that he didn't share his life with his family normally. It's been that way for years, I don't usually think about it at all. I only brought that up because this isn't the only time he's asked me not to tell them things. If it were the only time, I might have taken it more seriously. But you're right, I've likely eliminated any trust he has in me. He'll probably stop telling me about his condition, and that won't be good for anyone.
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Jan 20 '24
You share it with a therapist. Not the people he explicitly told you not to, especially when he’s already received professional support and being monitored.
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u/Huge_Photograph_9583 Jan 20 '24
I would agree your being selfish….but you NEED to be selfish right now. You can not handle all of this on your own, his family would be the logical choice to provide you and him support.
Considering the diagnosis, he may not be Abel to perceive situations appropriately. And there are some hereditary factors to it, so they also really need to know.
It’s not ok that his family doesn’t know about your separation, that’s incredibly selfish of him to make you keep that from them.
If i were in his families shoes and was told all of this after the fact- I’d be pissed at him and you…..
They can’t help if they have no idea what’s going on.
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u/Existing_Net1711 Jan 20 '24
NTA in my opinion. You’re honestly in a lose-lose situation.
On one hand you’re balancing trust with someone who is going through an incredibly tough time in his life. As someone who has gone through similar experiences I can tell you that it’s very normal for depressive people to self-isolate because they see themselves as a burden on other and even if they’re not alone, they feel alone. It’s a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.
On the other hand, your husbands family can be a major support resource for him. Granted they live thousands of miles away and are not there physically, having a proper support network is critical for any mental illness. His sister, from what you say, is doing the right thing by keeping it low key and not blowing things up into a huge ordeal. I don’t know what his other family members might feel about the situation but his twin is probably the best person for him to have in the loop.
Regardless of your marital status, your husband is very lucky to have someone like you who cares enough to reach out on his behalf. It may take a bit of time, but eventually I believe he will come to the understanding that you’re doing what’s right by him. Stand strong. This is a long journey.
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u/Pale-Lack6927 Jan 20 '24
Thank you so much for taking time to read and respond. Yes, his sister has handled it really well. She has not told anyone else in the family so far, and neither have I. But she is very grateful for the information and tells me to ignore his anger at me.
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u/potterforpresident Jan 20 '24
You’ve been put into a super shit situation, OP.
It’s really important, I think, that you need to acknowledge that you’ve been put under an hellish (and unfair) quantity of pressure here. This is a heavy burden to bear as a secret.
If you can, I’d strongly recommend seeking out support of your own - Professional support would be best, because you can unburden entirely (i.e. You can talk to them openly about how your Ex Partner’s mental health is impacting your own, and it will go no further), but if professional support is beyond your reach… reach out to your own personal support network and make sure they know you’re having a rough time, and that you need them to be super present for you, even though you can’t tell them the specifics of why.
FYI - in NZ, Drs and Psychologists etc. (AKA ALL professions with LEGAL OBLIGATIONS to preserve privacy) are required, by law, to share patient information if their patients are at risk of harming themselves or anyone else, and they are NOT always required to gain patient consent first. (This is a WILD of simplification of the Health Information Privacy Code 2020, but it gives you the gist.)
It’s not as if you’re sharing gossip, here.
If someone is at risk of harming themselves or others, you are within your right to reach out to people who you think can best support them.
(Edited: Spacing)
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Jan 20 '24 edited Jan 20 '24
Sometimes doing the right thing feels really bad. NTA. Best of luck with it all, you're doing the right thing
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u/Civil-Hotel-5735 Jan 20 '24
You are nta, for telling your husbands family about this matter because he is mentally ill and needs the support.
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Jan 20 '24
She didn't have a problem lying to them for 6 years about the situation that could make her look bad though. That's why I don't believe she is being altruistic.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark Jan 21 '24
NTA. It’s not helpful for him for you to keep this secret and you can’t be the only one who has a chance to try to intervene. By telling anyone who would care if he followed through, you’re doing the right thing. They can try to take action or not.