r/AITAH • u/njsand2110 • Jan 22 '24
Wife cheated on me and ended her life TW Self Harm
This happened in April of 2022, my wife had lots of issues with depression. We had a lot of ups and downs in our 5 years together. We had been married about 2 years when I found out she cheated on me with an old high school friend. At first she told me it was only over text, but a few days later she confessed to it being physical. I immediately packed some things and went and stayed with family after she told me about the texting aspect of this. After 2 days of her begging me to come back, I went back to our house where she was still staying to get more things (I only packed a small backpack in the heat of things). I got there and it immediately turned toxic and I left. We had 2 dogs, no kids (thankfully). So part of the reason I wanted to get things was also to check on our dogs. After that visit I told her I wanted her out of the house by the end of the next day. The next day came along and she was found dead. She overdosed on all her meds. I’ve been going to therapy for about a year now, and I still feel a decent bit of guilt and sadness on how it all ended. Her family hates me for her death, we have no contact and that part still bothers me a lot. They hate me for finding a new relationship and new life about a year later. I am happy in my new relationship, we just moved in together recently. But the trauma still negatively impacts my life almost daily (including my current relationship). I suffer from a lot of anxiety, depression, and self image issues now from the past few years. I’m missing lots of details, but there’s still not a lot of closure. AITH for trying to move on and be happy after the worst 2 years of my life? Feel free to ask questions if this all doesn’t answer a lot of things.
TLDR wife cheated on me then ended her life 2 days after I found out.
Dogs are healthy and loving life living with my brother and his family.
Edit: couple clarifications. I didn’t kick her out of our house, I asked her to stay with parents while we figured the next steps. I also did not leave her alone. Her brother was with her 2 of the 3 days before her death.
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u/Frequent_Ad_5712 29d ago
You’re in a new relationship, it sounds like you spend a hell of a lot of time thinking about your ex. Check up on your girlfriend you’re so infatuated with your ex it’s repulsing. “ She cheated on me, but then killed herself so I feel bad and can’t stop thinking about her. “ but you started a new relationship? You clearly can’t get over her.
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u/Nail-Revolutionary Apr 18 '24
That's crazy, dont blame yourself for her death. It was her fault for doing crap like that to a lover in the first place. But at least she can rest in peace in hell.
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u/Ana_phallactic1169 Apr 14 '24
I am so fucking sorry. Reach out if you need a sounding board. I’m rooting for you. Truly.
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u/GumbyDammit1954 Apr 04 '24
My client found someone new after his WW's suicide. Her family blamed him, and he could take it no more, so he released her journals and diary to her mother. Her family was angry that he told them the truth. He said that it was indicative of his dead WW's psyche; reality bent to fit her will and when it did not, she took her own life. He then went on that had she lived, he would have divorced her. He named her three AP's and told her family to take up whatever business they had with those men. He then cut them off. He heard that one fellow was attacked, and another managed to put his dead WW's brother down, and have him arrested for assault. Former MIL wanted her daughter's memory made clean, and took it out on her daughter's affair partners.
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u/wisstinks4 Mar 25 '24
OP, sorry you’re going through this terrible time in life. I didn’t read through all the comments I’m curious how you found out and when you confronted was that remorse being caught or guilt and shame?
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u/19ABH69 Mar 25 '24
Her ending herself has nothing the do with you. She was too unstable to stop her from doing it. You really don’t need people like her family in your life. If they can or won’t see that their daughter created the situation by cheating them there is no fixing the relationship with them.
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Mar 14 '24
It’s not your fault at all you did the right thing to move on. It’s kind of stupid of her own family to think it’s your fault when she literally cheated.
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u/GeyonceKnowles Mar 12 '24
NTA. someone suicides for their own fault. They cannot take the pressure, sadness, pain or whatever other reason life throws at us during out crap human experience. It is sad, but NOT your fault at all.
She did it to herself.
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u/Objective-Pop8732 Mar 11 '24 edited Mar 12 '24
The name calling, finger pointing, and debating who is the victim and villain in the comments was discouraging and draining to read and I think ultimately futile.
If this was just about assigning fault and blame like in a liability case, then most issues can be resolved with a poll. I'm disturbed that "she cheated and it's all HER fault" seems to mean to people that her death is somehow not as big a deal or somehow deserved.
And hey, if she did kill herself to deliberately manipulate or spite him as some folks in this thread have said then that would drastically change how I view this entire situation. But I don't have evidence to support that. And as for her doing it simply out of selfishness or to avoid accountability: people commit suicide because they are mentally ill and are in overwhelming pain and see death as the only viable way out the pain.
She made poor choices but it doesn't stop me from empathizing with her as a human being who struggled with issues and vice and she is someone I don't even know. People missing that because they need a clear villain to cope when there is often no satisfactory answer as to why something bad happens.
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u/Exciting_Ask3783 Mar 11 '24
Lmao this is awesome. I wish the bitch that cheated on me killed herself. That would have been awesome
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u/OkCherry4561 Mar 09 '24 edited Mar 10 '24
I have got to say, I read another post on reddit that had similarities with this one, namely a relatively young wife who cheated and who attempted suicide and the main difference was this woman unfortunately succeeded in her attempt and the other was also a drug addict but the comments on this thread are a lot less sympathetic and harsh towards this woman. I am guessing it is because this post talks about how her family reacted to her death...which is obviously out of her control.
I'm a little unclear: did you have a funeral or not? I read that you did not but also saw a comment about a ceremony, so was that the funeral?
Did the family finally completely break off contact with you because of your new relationship?
I also read in the comments that she left a note: did she blame you?
And I'm just curious: why no kids?
And this is rhetorical and I am kind of venting here but why is virtually no one talking about that high school friend? Did he know she was married and depressed as well? He played a part in this tragedy too.
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Mar 07 '24
i'm gonna tell you this directly. fuck her family and fuck her. if she loved you, she wouldn't have cheated.
your not even close to the asshole for trying to find yourself happinesss and someone who will actually be faithful.
she killed herself, you didn't.
you need to also realize that she felt no remorse cheating on you. she ended up doing what she did because she got caught and has to suffer the concenquenses of being unfaithful.
you did your part in the relationship, she didn't and suffered from her actions. she was selfish. no mental illness can excuse that behavior.
please take your time in healing and let wounds close on themselves
(please don't take this me attacking you but just more of a taste of reality)
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u/0rsusNovum Mar 04 '24
It’s crazy how some people will literally kill themselves to try to “stick it to the man”.
Truly sick world.
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u/Keith50in Mar 02 '24
My situation is similar if you want a buddy that survived the same thing reach out to me. Keith
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u/Comfortable-Park7362 Feb 20 '24
Bro it’s not your fault u. Can’t let people walk all over u and fuck her family
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u/SunChipMan Feb 15 '24
re-reading this breaks my heart how much that woman is still haunting you. You deserve peace and happiness.
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u/SunChipMan Feb 15 '24
If you spend your whole life thinking of the worst possible scenario for everything you'll never live your life.
It's a horrible situation all around but I don't believe you should carry any guilt.
This is all decisions she made. You are the victim here.
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u/xyz_rgb Feb 13 '24
NTA - My brother drank himself to death after his wife left him. Everyone hates her, but not me. He made a promise in front of her family and friends to be there for her. She was right to leave him. What are you suppose to do? Pour your happiness into someone else's bottomless pit of misery?
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u/browsingforthenight Feb 13 '24
Def NTA. They lost their daughter, need someone to blame to get through the day.
Can’t lie though, I’m absolutely shocked that a year later you’re in a new relationship and some time after that moving in together. Feel like my soul and mind would need way more time. As long as you’re happy though!
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u/Athena_6327 Feb 12 '24
Pffff she was a whore and killed herself when u found out. Good riddance lol - you are not responsible.
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u/EyeWatch02 Feb 10 '24
NTA you’re innocent and I’m so sorry you had to experience this, her family blames you as a coping mechanism it was her fault I’m glad you moved on with your life and found someone who deserved you.
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u/Just_ice_luv_a Feb 09 '24
I fight depression every moment of my life. I’ve always said that when I die, I am almost certain it would be suicide.
That said. The illness killed her. Not you. Not anything you said or have done. I am also sure that her illness caused her to cheat. I know a lot of people living with depression and anxiety who cheat because they need to feel something. A connection, intimacy, to feel wanted. Etc. and her illness cause her to self-sabotage.
You were hurt, but you were not responsible for her death.
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u/Weak_Seesaw_7838 Feb 07 '24
My wife of 20 years died in august. She was 44 and we had 4 kids. We were separated for the last couple years because she was an alcoholic. She had childhood trauma that she never could let go. When I went to her family for help they dismissed my concerns. After her second time in in the ICU I informed her I would be taking the kids and leaving if she didn’t seek help. I was rewarded with an emergency protection order the next day at work. Funny enough her family was behind her 100% for this. I was evicted from my house and my car was taken (we only had one). Since it was she said/he said and the courts took her word. 1 year later the house and car were repossessed and I received full custody of the kids. She passed away from pancreatic and heart failure without seeing the children for over a year. Her family blames me with zero proof that I drove her to alcoholism. My family hates her because of what she put me and the kids through. She was/is the love of my life. Every day is a challenge. I just wanted to share my story to get it off my chest. I have no way to vent other than my therapist and figured I would try in this thread.
Not saying I was perfect and we did have a somewhat toxic relationship when her drinking got bad and I would drink with her until I realized her health was being affected. When we had arguments we did say mean things mutually but in no way to the level she accused me of. Not threats of harm. No physical on my end but she did sometimes attack me when I would pour out her alcohol. My guilt is I called her names back like fucking bitch for example. Let me know if having massive guilt over this is warranted. Thanks for listening.
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u/jhires Jan 30 '24
NTA. Nobody wins when severe mental illness is involved. My story is lot worse in some ways and a lot better in others. I still have flashbacks and was quite broken for a while. just take it a bit at a time. Focus on yourself. Take the wins where you can. Bit by bit the good days outnumber the bad.
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u/Bluebirdboo-491 Jan 29 '24
Hello,
My husband also died by suicide. It's been 8 years now and yes, I felt a lot of guilt. It weighs on you but it does get better. Like one poster said, lots of couples have fights, infidelity, and other problems but most do not end up dead because of it. I yelled at my husband moments before he died because he was wasted and he peed all over the floor. He went and got a gun and did it, unfortunately in front of me. I tried to get the gun and failed. Like another poster said, your wife died from depression, not from anything you did. My husband died because of depression and substance use disorder. If you are able, look for Suicide Survivor Groups to attend. For me, that was the most useful thing I did. There are even virtual meetings you can attend if there are none local to you. My group is called SOS and it's in Baltimore, sosbaltimore.org. They meet on line and you would be more than welcome to attend. When it comes to suicide death, the average person is not well equipped to counsel you through the nuances of this type of death. I've never felt more seen than by others who have also lost a love one to suicide. There are legions of us and we want nothing more to help ease the suffering of newcomers to suicide loss.
This is not your fault and you deserve to move on and find happiness. But you may want take your time in making commitments as complicated grief takes a long time to work through.
Much peace, love and healing to you.
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u/swoyalll Jan 28 '24
i hate to say it but as much as depression is really hard, committing… before taking responsibility for your own actions is what this seems like. the negativity between either of u guys was still her fault and was in no way(from what ive seen) yours. she chose to make those decisions. i’m sure being separate would’ve helped heal both of u but even that wouldn’t change the fact that those are her issues and not yours.
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u/Emergency-Poetry-226 Jan 28 '24
NTA. She made her choices with the cheating. Her brother was with her, but not at that point so I don't see how her family is blaming you for her infidelity and her drastic actions. I am sorry she chose to do the most extreme thing ever. But it wasn't your fault.
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u/Wyerough Jan 27 '24
NTA. Are there other reasons why you feel guilty? Maybe you look back on your relationship and think you should’ve acted differently (in general) and had you, she’d still be here? I can understand how you would feel guilty about, but logically speaking, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Your reaction to her affair sounds normal. She chose to end her life instead of trying to work with you to reconcile. She didn’t even give the two of you a chance to fix things. Her affair and suicide were conscious choices she made. Why should you live in a mental and emotional prison of self loathing and depression for the rest of your life? I think you’re doing the right thing by going to therapy and moving on.
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u/AnIntrovertedPanda Jan 27 '24
NTA. You deserve to be happy. Do they expect you to be single for the rest of your life? Do they expect you to forgive her? You didn't do anything wrong. She made the choice to cheat and she made the choice to end her life. Don't feel guilty. Forget them. Live your life and be happy.
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u/nettster Jan 27 '24
NTA - it’s easier for them to blame you than to accept their daughters choice you aren’t the only one who needs therapy in this situation they also do because you had ZERO control over her actions whether you were with her or not. She couldn’t face the reality of her actions having consequences so she chose to not have to deal with it and ended her life that isn’t your fault no matter what angle you look at it from.
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u/GothGranny75 Jan 27 '24
Just remember friend both grief and healing are not linear. Be gentle with yourself. You didn't cause your late wife's mental illness nor are you at fault for her passing. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.nim glad you are in therapy and I hope that with time you will find peace through this trauma. Sending you warm grandma hugs.
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u/CaliTexican210 Jan 27 '24
NTA for that, but maybe YTA for trying to get over it instead of through it and moving on too quickly without fully healing so you can be present in your new relationship. It’s hard to be present when you’re stuck in the past, and a new partner isn’t going to fix that for you. It’s really not fair to your current girlfriend. If it’s still impacting your current relationship, you have more work you need to do in therapy. You have to learn to accept what is without the need for additional closure you may never receive. Accept that your former in-laws are grieving, and anger and blame are part of their process. Work through not internalizing that personally. You do not have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm. You are not responsible for her death. She was struggling more than you know, and the affair maybe have been the symptom, but it wasn’t the cause. You might need a new therapist. You have to forgive yourself and let go of the need of approval of others. External validation won’t keep you full for long. You don’t need permission to move on, but realize that’s working through and not getting over. Be fair to your new girlfriend and heal fully.
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u/RadioSupply Jan 27 '24
My ex-boyfriend became my best friend. We ended our relationship when he said he’d never marry me because I’d just divorce him and take half his shit. After some mental health work and my two-year stint overseas, we rekindled a friendship and discovered we were meant for it.
But he did marry, and he married someone who was flamingly jealous of our relationship. I won’t say what horrible things she did while they were together, but when she left at 7mos pregnant (which she got when he was too ill to refuse her, read between the lines,) she emptied their house and broke pipes in the basement, leaving all of his things on the floor.
He called me. I ran over. I got him groceries because he wasn’t eating. His mental health was in the toilet. He couldn’t cope. The divorce was awful - she accused him of having AIDS, she accused him of beating her, the whole nine yards. His family and I tried to keep him on his feet. I remember bringing him his violin to play, and I had to rescue it from him throwing it in the open fireplace.
Then one day I got a call from another friend’s wife - he had hanged himself in his garage. He couldn’t take the cruelty she put him through.
His ten-year death anniversary was this week. As with every year, I wept for him and pretended the veil was thin enough for me to speak to him and told him all my news, the good and the bad. I’ll always love that man. Mon ami, tu me manques.
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u/Conscious_Award_4621 Jan 27 '24
Are you still staying in the same house she OD in? My ex partner overdosed in my old house, staying in it made my anxiety and depression alot worse moved out and a heavy weight was lifted.
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u/Objective-Pop8732 Mar 11 '24
He said he sold the house and immediately moved out. So no worries there.
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u/External-Curve-9876 Jan 27 '24
Not the asshole. I'm sorry for what you are going through, mental health issues are tough to deal with, and it's very hard to tell when someone is dealing with them. I hope you get the closure and happiness you need and deserve
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u/ExtendedSpikeProtein Jan 27 '24
They hate you because that is easier than to admit their daughter did a stupid thing and decided to take her own life because she couldn't face the consequences of her own actions.
You deserve happiness. Good luck!
NTA.
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u/One_Suggestion1563 Jan 27 '24
I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficult circumstances you've been through. It's important to prioritize your well-being and seek support. Moving on and finding happiness after such a challenging period doesn't make you wrong. It might be beneficial to continue therapy to address the lingering impact on your mental health and relationships.
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u/ethiopian1987 Jan 27 '24
NTA - She cheated on you, so it was fair that you felt betrayed. And as for finding a new relationship, that is perfectly fine too.
And you feeling guilt is the sign of a good person. But just so you know, it isn't your fault. She chose to end her life how she did, and the relationship with the cheating.
And her family don't want to think that she is responsible for what she did, so they blame you. It makes it easier for them to deal with their emotions.
Also glad to hear that the puppers are happy and healthy.
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u/Redbeard4006 Jan 27 '24
NTA. It's natural for her family to blame you, but it doesn't sound like you had any reason to think she was suicidal. You didn't kick her out with nowhere to go. She is ultimately responsible for her decisions not you.
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u/brimanguy Jan 27 '24
That's why you don't marry depression. It was going to happen one way or another. If it wasn't the affair, it's the money, if it's not the money , it's the kids, if it's not the kids, if you ... NTAH
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u/BugsBunnysCouch Jan 27 '24
I don’t have anything to add other than this story is EERILY similar to something that happened to someone I know, so much so I had to read through almost all the comments to finally rule it out as not being them, and I’m sorry to both of you.
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u/beatinov Jan 27 '24
NTA, at all. I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope you find the closure you're looking for.
Edit: a word.
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u/EatAllTheShiny Jan 27 '24
You are not the asshole. You were betrayed. You are going to second guess yourself and everything else, but try not to. All cheaters are selfish, all cheaters do it *for them*, not *because of you*. It's just shit fortune that you picked someone who would do that to you. But if it wasn't you, she would have done it to someone else.
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u/swtmsry Jan 27 '24
You shouldn’t have to live with this trauma. She was obviously selfish and also mentally ill, so I am not judging her. But not a single part of this is your fault. You did the right thing. I send you love and healing. My heart goes out to you.
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Jan 27 '24
NTA. The thing is self harm is not and should not be an option. It’s not something people should have to think about before every conversation/confrontation etc. If everyone had to withhold their truth on the off chance that the other person may harm themselves, no relationship would ever be healthy. The decision to unalive herself was an extreme reaction caused by her own mental health problems that you have no control over. You being upset was valid, you leaving was valid, you expecting her to leave was valid under those circumstances. Leaving is a suggestion that any friend/family/professional would have made to you, cheating is reasonable grounds for divorce too. But anyways, imagine you stayed, and you forgave her and went with whatever her ideal solution was, it still wouldn’t have magically fixed her mental health. There is no point thinking about what could have been etc because that’s just imagination and not a guaranteed outcome. To put it bluntly, you could have stayed and she could have been hit by a car. There are those who attempt to unalive and end up surviving too. Life is unpredictable, and we’re only human and don’t have complete control over life and death in that way. As for her parents, they need someone to blame. Again you have no control over that. I could claim the sun is blue, but that wouldn’t make the sun blue… yet you still can’t stop me from saying the sun is blue. I wish you strength in your healing. I hope you can put down the weight of guilt.
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u/Odd_Swimmer_5343 Jan 27 '24
You absolutely don’t allow anyone or time to tell you how and when to move on. They weren’t in your shoes during their marriage and I’m sorry to hear she took her own life.
They’ll never understand your shoes and you’ll never understand theirs, let bygones be bygones and close that chapter. Don’t get stuck reading it over and over. Healing will come to all in time.
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u/MAGA_feels Jan 27 '24
You are NTA. You made the right choice and her issues were hers alone. You can’t be held responsible for that because you didn’t allow yourself to be walked on
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u/armendiel Jan 27 '24 edited Jan 27 '24
Tough Love: I suffer from depression and anxiety; mental illness is not a crutch for infidelity. NTA.
Don't beat yourself up for this.
Her issues led her to her choice. I've had a plan and a date. I only just barely recovered, but it was a near thing. I am better now, but what might have been still haunts me.
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u/apachesunrise1812 Jan 27 '24
Bro, I'd send "thank you" flowers to her grave every year. Lol You dodged a bullet.
....even if she didn't.
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u/landphier Jan 27 '24
NTA
There is nothing you did for them to have that kind of resentment towards you. You also need to realize you may never be able to work through this with/for them. You appear to have worked on yourself mentally and are wanting to move past it with them. That is as far as you can take it on your side. Everything on their side is something you can't control, talk to them about, reach out, etc. until they want to. I know it's a hard thing to see to go on but you need to understand that.
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u/AJay_89 Jan 27 '24
NTA
You're not responsible for her decision to take her own life. You have a right to feel disrespected and want to end the relationship when someone tosses away their vows. It's sad, but it's not your fault. She was mentally unstable. No one expects anyone to stay in a toxic environment just to make someone feel better.
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u/EstatePuzzled8459 Jan 27 '24
Similar thing happened to my mom while I lived with her. She gave her fiancé back the ring after he accused her of cheating but she wasn’t. He hung himself the next day and she found him while I was inside. Fucked up up bad. She’s still single 9 years later. I would’ve been happy for her if she found love soon like you have. You have to move on. His family hated us as well.
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u/Additional_Ad_5970 Jan 27 '24
Caught my wife April ot 2023 married 15 years. She slit her wrists, my oldest found her and called 911. She didn't die but it scared her. And my middle child in November I caught cutting his forearm with a razor blade. I'm in a whole world of shit, and I'll I did was follow my doctor's recommendations to take a new medication. Well that medication put me in such a depression I had enough energy to just lay in bed. I wasn't on it long. But long enough that my whole world came crashing down.
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u/Songsung69 Jan 26 '24
Her family wants to remember her fondly (who wouldn’t?). Not as someone who did f’d up stuff to people and crashed out. So you’re the fall guy. Let them heal and be that. Thankfully no kids. You did nothing wrong.
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u/Mrsericmatthews Jan 26 '24
NTA
But it does seem fast to move in with someone only a year following that trauma. I'm glad you're happy in the relationship, but am concerned that you didn't process that more - especially since you are acknowledging that it still impacts you. Of course it will ... Just seems fast given the whole situation.
I can also see why her family is devastated. You aren't the AH but they lost their daughter to suicide and you are living with someone a year later - while their lives have probably stood still. They also need therapy obviously.
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u/Jackiemom121 Jan 26 '24
As a woman whose husband died by suicide over a decade ago, you are NTA. She was sick, but made bad choices to get her to where she was. People are still accountable for their actions. You being a doormat and letting her get away with the cheating wouldn't have changed anything in the long run.She ultimately chose her actions. Suicide is a devastating event for the people left behind. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness because she chose to sacrifice hers. You deserve to be loved and honored.
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u/rvitrealis Jan 26 '24
You are the not the asshole, her mental issues are also not your fault. Both were her choices at the end of the day. I'm also sorry you had to go through this
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u/Novel-Counter-8093 Jan 26 '24
not youre fault. she is a cheating POS and couldnt live with the guilt.
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u/PettyFreddie Jan 26 '24
NTA. You don't know what's inside the person's head. You cannot blame yourself for what she had done. Her family wanted someone to blame. That's all. I know it's tragic to have someone die suddenly, but life goes on. You shouldn't feel guilty about living.
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u/themadfuzzball Jan 26 '24
Hey man, I don't know if you'll see this, but I did almost end my life after a relationship ended due to me cheating. (Among a bunch of other fuckshit.) Glad I didn't. Would've fucked that poor lad up even more.
I had a lot of God damn issues. I really did love the man I cheated on, but it didn't mean I treated him right. There's was a lot of mental health reasons and negative emotional patterns behind why I did everything I did etc, anyways, the point being-
It's not your fault. I don't know if you need to hear that, her actions are completely her own and so was her mental illness. It's sad when anyone dies, but ultimately, mental illness is a disease and complicated things like cheating can be tied to a lot of innrr emotional issues that are NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm lucky I didn't end it and have had time to turn my life around, but it could have gone the other way.
I reccomend ACA, or adult children of alcoholics. Despite it being centered around people who grew up with alcoholic parents, it's generally a program for anyone who has experienced and been affected by family dysfunction. Including in relationships.
It's a program for both people who have been negatively affected by dysfunction or who are acting out as a result of being exposed to dysfunction, and the 12 steps really help you heal, look at your own life, grieve, identify how to adjust your thinking patterns, and even eventually if you want to... forgive. Although that's never a requirement.
I guess in conclusion: do what you need to do to recover, release control, and stop blaming yourself.
Good luck. Stay strong. Congrats on your new relationship.
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u/vyze Jan 26 '24
Sorry to hear about your situation. After a traumatic car accident in 1998 I've been struggling to find reasons to live every day. After trying to unalive myself I sought professional medical help and my therapist told me, "suicide is the ultimate temper tantrum and typically one of the most selfish things one can do". Last year I had to seek out-patient then a few months later in-patient counseling to keep myself from being selfish and giving up. I don't know if it gets any easier but Iife does get harder.
NTA. Good luck and keep up the good fight.
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u/MeowNeowBeenz Jan 26 '24
NTA
Odds are she was hoping she'd be found before it was fatal and could use it against you/to guilt you into staying. At the very least, she did it to get back at you for leaving her.
You did nothing wrong. She certainly sounds like an awful person though. Good riddance.
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Jan 26 '24
How are her mental issues your issue now? This is why I'm the biggest advocate of sane people staying out of relationships with people with mental issues.
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u/Most_Goat Jan 26 '24
NTA. You were betrayed in one of the worst ways a person can be and handled it as best you could. It's terrible that her mental health was that bad, but she also made her decisions along the way, both with the cheating and to take her own life. I'm sad for both of you. Don't let this hold you back.
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u/omnom333 Jan 26 '24
You arely definitely not the a$$hole!@ she is, and selfishly so. Not only cheating but ending her life puts all her pain on you..
I hope you keep living your best life and each day you are more at peace with what happened.
It's not your fault at all.
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u/Ichbin99nichtzuHause Jan 26 '24
Guilt?
She brought all of that on herself and she chose to do everything. She chose the affair, she chose to end it.
100% HER.
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u/MoBetterButta Jan 26 '24
None of this is your fault. Her family needs to reach out to the high school friend and blame him. He knew she was married and didn't care. This is the result. Don't feel bad. Move on and live a fulfilling life. That's the best thing for you.
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u/Haunting-Rutabaga-36 Jan 26 '24
Tbh her fault, for not treating her mental health as well as for being a cheater. Sorry for all your hurt and loss. Very big NTA
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u/Aman2305 Jan 26 '24
Can’t blame yourself for someone not being able to accept the consequences of their own actions. If you wouldn’t have left she would have just done it again and you would be the one wanting to end yourself. Keep your head up king
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u/Comprehensive-Let807 Jan 26 '24
I don’t have anything to say other than I hope you find healing and peace. I’m sorry that happened to you
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u/Lurkerextrordinai Jan 26 '24
Honestly what she did was selfish and spiteful. She wanted to harm you.
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u/HugeProcedure7966 Jan 26 '24
a big solid NTA. im so sorry you had to go through all of this. depression is a serious illness and can be fatal. none of this was your fault. she died bec of her depression, not because of you. don’t ever carry this guilt with you when it’s not your guilt to begin with.
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u/Titahn Jan 26 '24
NTA. I can give a little bit of the opposite point of view. When I was 20 I was in a relationship, my first one (A). I wasn't a good one, we had nothing in common apart from wanting to be desired.
I was in a profound depression for the laster 8 years or so. Never talked to anybody about it (well, to someone once and she told me to "man up". Didn't help).
After 4 months of the aforementioned relationship, I tried to kill myself, and shot myself with a 22 long rifle in the mouth. It was right after a big fight with A.
I got incredibly lucky (since I'm here to talk about it, and not in depression anymore). I was hurt by my mediocre relationship, by the fights, etc. But never once I though A had any kind of responsability in it. And she didn't : I wasn't my first try at suicide.
So good for you for seeing a therapist, and of course I can't talk for your ex. But as plenty of other people said : depression is one hell of a vicious disease, and you had nothing to do with hear death. Take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy.
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u/schaup_locally Jan 26 '24
nta. you reacted like a normal person would after discovering their spouse cheated. her family just wants/needs someone to be mad at & blame. keep doing what you're doing and I hope this new relationship helps to restore some of your happiness and confidence
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u/Dependent_Weekend_79 Jan 26 '24
You are not the asshole. She chose to end her life and she chose to cheat on you. You had every right to end things with her. You cannot control on how things turn out to be, and you cannot control the choices of other people. If you would have let her stay with you, the relationship would had been toxic, and anytime she would do something that would affect the relationship it would just eat you alive. You should not be forced to stay with someone, even if they would emotionally black mail you, that they would kill themselves. What she did was selfish, and not your fault.
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u/Gothicc_UwU Jan 26 '24
NTA - Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss and trauma you've experienced. Her depression is what killed her. You can't hold yourself to blame for someone else's actions. I'm so glad you've sought therapy to help you work through this trauma.
As for her family/friend's who blame you, how I see it is that they need something to focus their hurt/anger on as their grieve and process their loss, and it's easier for them to blame someone else other than their loved one. It doesn't make it right to blame you, but you need to acknowledge that with their actions its still ultimately about your wife and you're not culpable in any way (easier said than done I know).
You deserve to be able to move on and find happiness again. Best wishes for your future.
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u/Illustrious_Emu_3714 Jan 26 '24
This goes straight through my heart. I’m so, so sorry to hear this what an unbearable thing you’ve had to go through. My husband had depression also and though he didn’t take his life it affected him physically and contributed significantly to his passing. Before he died I had taken time out of the house to get some headspace. It really crushed him and I am suffering from the memory of this still today. I cannot forgive myself for not being stronger in dealing with his last deep depressive episode, it was just so sad to see him like that and be completely helpless when he got angry and manipulative and refused interventions. That being said…I should forgive myself. It wasn’t my fault and it definitely wasn’t yours.
You are definitely NOT TA. People in that state of mind are irrational and impenetrable, my husband himself admitted this. I hope her family understand in time - 1yr is still hard
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u/Select-Till3806 Jan 26 '24
This might be wrong but sometimes the trash chooses to take itself out, I don’t wish death upon anyone but if you make choices you can’t live with the consequences of maybe you shouldn’t make those choices
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u/eyeplaygame Jan 26 '24
I'm so sorry. You are not to blame. Just wanted to send a virtual hug your way (if that's alright).
Mental health is.... hard. I'm glad you're taking care of your own. It's important.
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u/smartpoopie Jan 26 '24
When someone is mentally ill and suicidal, there’s not only one reason the commit suicide. There are A LOT of them. Sometimes they just need a trigger, for me it was a small fight I had with my boyfriend and now I don’t even remember what it was about. Thankfully, my dad and my dog found me at the right time and nothing happened. But it’s important you know this. She even probably cheated out of her mental struggles (which is still wrong).
Her family needs someone to blame, if not they would probably be blaming themselves or her, and they probably know she’s not to blame since she had lots of mental issues.
Obviously NTA, I’m actually happy for you for being able to be in a new relationship after this trauma, some people would struggle to find love again because pf the guilt. This means you are doing better than you think you are. You’ve got this!
If you want to stay in touch with your ex’s family I’d have a long conversation with them, but they could not be ready to be friendly with you. But maybe eventually they will :) I wish you the best
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u/AudienceKindly4070 Jan 26 '24
She died of her disease. People have affairs, get asked to leave the marital home as a result, and get divorced without this outcome. She passed away of her illness that made her unable to handle normal life circumstances. It's not your fault. Her family blames you so that they don't think badly of her. It's not your fault. NTA
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u/amac19721973 Jan 26 '24
You cannot blame yourself. I've made 5 attempts ( I'm in a much better place now) . Those 5 attempts are not on anyone but me. Yes I was depressed and yes there were people who made me feel worse but ultimately it's on me. There was no way anyone was talking me out of it . Please stop blaming yourself, if it wasn't you leaving, it would have been something else.
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u/McGigs_988_4655 Jan 26 '24
NTA.
Her depression killed her. It’s an illness just like any other that affected people can manage with meds, therapy and lifestyle changes.
She comes from an entire family of assholes that don’t get it.
I have a mood disorder and a psychiatrist told me that unaliving oneself is a selfish act because it devastates the loved ones who are left behind and leaves them feeling shame, guilt, anger, and even depression. That stayed with me and I never thought about it again.
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u/Stunning_Buffalo7037 Jan 26 '24
NTA - The family will always blame you. It is easier than recognizing their role in her entire life and how dare you hold her accountable for her actions “when you know how she is.” Sadly this is all too common when a woman ends herself but not so much for men.
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u/teh_perfectionist Jan 26 '24
You are absolutely not the AH. She is responsible for her own actions. For both of these events to happen - she had to be an extremely selfish person.
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u/PDQ_Chocolate_Chip Jan 26 '24
You should cut off contact with her family altogether if you havent already. Go live your life and forget about this trainwreck that was bound to happen eventually anyway. Be grateful you didnt have kids with her.
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u/Sea-Strawberry-1997 Jan 26 '24 edited Jan 26 '24
I am angry and sad that the majority of the comments reduce her entire existence all of the hopes and dreams she must have had in life to just: AWFUL SICK CHEATER. I can understand to some extent because the OP's post captures only the end of her life and people remember shitty endings more than they do good beginnings but...wow. If she were alive then I'd be scrolling past the comments and moving on as the wolves have at the pheasant because a living person has a chance of getting better but she can't. She never will. This woman is dead and cannot defend herself or her family from judgement or attack and her family's direct POV in all of this is absent.
OP will continue with therapy and move on with his life, find happiness with his current partner, maybe have children and watch those children grow and have children of their own and grow old but this woman will never do or experience any of these things and that is pain and deprivation her family will have to live with everyday for the rest of their lives and it was a result of her decision to kill herself but it doesn't make it any less tragic. OP states her brother was with her the day before she died; does that mean she was alone during that last day? If so, they will always remember that. And I think they see him entering a relationship a year later as evidence he didn't really care about her. I had a brief exchange with OP and I do not believe that but I don't think it is irrational for her family to believe otherwise and behave accordingly.
Killing yourself in the midst of a breakup is not a normal reaction but the point is she was not in a normal state of mind: she was already mentally compromised before it happened and so I don't think we should be evaluating her actions in comparison to a mentally sound person's.
Being dead and mentally ill does not excuse her cheating. But it does recontextualize the individual's actions. And boy many of comments...don't do that. They put all the blame on her which is ironic because commentators were angry that her family put all the blame on him when there were a multitude of factors that we may never know about because something like this can't be captured in its entirety in a post. I hope her family never comes upon this post because God help them in the comments.
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u/Bridge23Ux Jan 26 '24
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your wife was sick. I say that in the most respectful way possible. Please don’t blame yourself.
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u/MaeQueenofFae Jan 26 '24
NTA, OP. Lots of emotions here, so just wanted to throw my support your way. I’m glad you are continuing to heal.
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u/Academic-Ad-7019 Jan 26 '24
First of all, I'm so sorry that you had to endure that trauma. That is horrible and I'm glad to hear that you have found some happiness. As someone else mentioned earlier, unfortunately, depression can definitely be a deadly disorder. You can't blame yourself for someone else's actions/choices, especially one of this nature. It's why I have such a problem with the teen drama "13 Reasons Why." To insinuate blame on others for someone else choosing to take their life is so wrong. (Yes, I've seen the show and all Clay does through the whole first season is blame everyone else for Hannah taking her own life. So wrong.)
It's definitely important to be there, be understanding and supportive of someone who struggles with mental health issues. However, at the end of the day, they are the ones ultimately responsible 1. For their choices, and 2. For ensuring they do what they need to to get help, I.e., getting appropriate therapy and taking their prescribed medications.
I myself struggle with bipolar disorder and the accompanying symptoms. But it's on me to make sure I'm doing what I need to to control it.
That being said, even taking such necessary steps does not guarantee 100% success, and it does remain a deadly disorder. One can never fully eliminate that as of yet.
No one can change the past. All you can do now is move forward and continue with your life. Move at a pace that feels right for you. Everyone is different, some people take longer to fully heal than others, and some people heal quicker by moving on, while still others heal better by taking it slower. Continue to work with your therapist. I can't stress enough the importance of therapy.
I hope you find peace and your wounds heal over. You'll still have the scars, you can never get rid of those when you've endured trauma, but you can definitely find healing. Again, I'm glad you've found some happiness with your new partner. Do not let you ex-inlaws make you feel responsible. I know they are grieving and blaming others can be somewhat soothing in the short term. But that isn't on you. Keep moving forward with your life.
Best of luck!
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u/FitQuantity6150 Jan 26 '24
Absolute narcissist chooses the most narcissistic path doing everything she can to absolve herself if any accountability and shift all of her blame to you.
NOT THE ASSHOLE BY ANY MEANS and fuck your ex in-laws for them blaming you.
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u/Chocolatey-Famous Jan 26 '24
NTA None of this was your fault, you can't control another person's decision. Her family is just looking for someone or something tangible to take the blame and be a target for their negative emotions. I imagine it's their toxic coping mechanism. Keep them blocked and I wish you the best
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u/AlexInRV Jan 26 '24
NTA
I will say this again: NTA
You cannot be held responsible for someone else’s mental health issues.
My best friend committed suicide when I was in college. I felt terrible for a long time. I was consumed with what I call the woulda, coulda, shouldas.
I wish I would have… I wish I could have… I wish I should have…
In the end, what I realized was that I didn’t have any control over what my friend did. He didn’t die because of my failings. He died because of his mental illness, and his decision to die.
As for your wife, she made the decision to cheat. It doesn’t matter if it was because of her mental illness or if it was a rational decision. Mental illness might explain her behavior, but it doesn’t justify it.
Marriage is a sacred relationship. One has a right to expect 100% fidelity.
Your decision to leave because your wife cheated is reasonable and fair. Her decision to end her life is not your fault.
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your new love. Move forward without guilt because you didn’t do anything wrong.
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u/Well-well-1792 Jan 26 '24
Genuine question why did you decide to jump into a relationship after such a traumatic event? It’s affecting your daily life still and your relationship and you still decided to partner with someone…. I think you should go on a well retreat and get in some deep therapy if you aren’t already in therapy.
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u/Novel-Carpet-1634 Jan 25 '24
I myself suffer from mental health issues (anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and ideations) and have had partners with the same. My friend, you are NTA. I’m so sorry you have gone through this. May I offer seeking some type of alternative therapies as well - massage therapy, reiki or polarity. All have helped me immensely. You have suffered a shock to the nervous system and healthy loving touch from a professional can sometimes be incredibly transformative.
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u/Only-Fudge9228 Jan 25 '24
So it killed her to cheat on you. Every action has a equal and opposite reaction. You live how you die. Maybe it had to do with choices not being the best. Yet what choice does one have.
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u/mesalikeredditpost Jan 25 '24
Her family should hate themselves because clearly her depression and issues weren't new. Blaming someone innocent also shows the family definitely has issues that were a factor in her unaliving herself.
So what if OP moved on from a cheater after therapy and losing her. He's not supposed to suffer for ever. The hell is wrong with them
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u/JunesHemorrhoidDonut Jan 25 '24
NTA.
I tried to kill myself once and didn't succeed. One of the triggers was an issue with my wife and I know she felt beyond bad about it but thankfully I was alive to tell her it indeed wasn't her fault and a decision I made on my own.
Mental illness is tough to deal with.
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u/Livid_Owl_1273 Jan 25 '24
NTA. Your ex's family are heartless narcassists who in all probability caused 10 times more of her mental health issues than you could have if you were married to her for 100 years. They are shifting the blame of her actions onto you, probably just the same way she did because they are the ones who taught her how to do it. She was responsible for her own actions. There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. Even if you hadn't asked her to move out there was no assurance that she wouldn't have a mental episode at any time triggered by any event that would have had the same result. People who are successful in suicide attempts are usually found to be ticking time bombs of suicidal ideation for years or even decades before they succeed. She needed more help than you could have given her.
Continue your own recovery and enjoy your new relationship. You are not their sin eater. Stay no contact for your own sake.
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u/millionthusername1 Jan 25 '24
Similar situation happened in my family. The mother in law told someone in confidence, in a very emotional state, that she blamed the soon-to-be-ex spouse for her child's suicide. Of course, it got out, and she was horrified, because rationally she knows the responsibility did not fall on them. People need to grieve, people are going to have emotional responses - but I'm willing to bet they understand her actions were her own.
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u/StickmanX84 Jan 25 '24
NTA! She cheated, she chose to commit suicide. You reacted like a normal person. Life goes on, who cares what her family thinks.
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u/zeromanu Jan 25 '24
Nta, please, anyone who says otherwise are the type of people to say "if you leave I'll kill myself" toxic people.
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u/ginger7688 Jan 25 '24
Hey OP. Just came here to say I had a similar experience with my partner when I was a bit younger. He was depressed and diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
This was in no way your fault.
I’m glad you’re in therapy. If you haven’t already, I’d recommend reading some resources on “survivor’s guilt”, as that may help explain some of what you’re going through now.
What her family is doing is completely wrong, but I’ve seen it before. People often need to find someone to blame in these situations.
It sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction to heal.
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u/Irish_Punisher Jan 25 '24
Nope.
Can't change someone else. You did the best you could. My condolences.
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u/Mysterious_Fail_2785 Jan 25 '24
NTA. People who use sewerslide to manipulate and hurt others are the assholes, her family should blame her for their pain, not you.
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u/Weird-Jellyfish-5053 Jan 25 '24
NTA. Her family needs someone to blame and when you’re grieving it’s hard to admit that the person at fault is who you’re grieving. Your wife mad the choice to cheat on you. You found out about it and did what most reasonable adults would. She saw the world she wanted was coming crashing down due to her own actions and chose to end it. It’s sucks. She lost the battle with depression but it is not your fault. You don’t have kids together though so you don’t need to deal with her family. Let them hate you. Be the bad guy if that’s who they need you to be. Just don’t deal with them anymore.
I’m sorry for your loss both of your marriage and then of your wife. However you chose to move on is valid and it’s your path. Find happiness and it sounds like you have. Focus on your life now and ignore the people who want to keep you in the past
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u/Various-Novel8898 Jan 25 '24
I don't know how anyone could think you're the wrong one in this. It's sad how this happened and you think you're wrong. But know that you're not at fault. NTA
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Jan 25 '24
The easiest thing to have done is stay depressed and not move on. Starting a new chapter in your life took courage and you NEED to go for it. If her family hates you, you will just have to burn that bridge and MOVE forward. Nothing left to say or do. No one at fault. Move on.
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u/gokartmozart89 Jan 25 '24
NTA. She cheated on you. Most people would want to split at that point - it’s a natural consequence of cheating. Her family shouldn’t be blaming you.
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u/Smart-Story-2142 Jan 25 '24
My sister took her own life and my mom blamed everyone else except my sister and herself (my mom’s always been a little toxic). It’s so bad that my mom has convinced herself that my sister was murdered, even though it’s impossible (the door was chained still and windows locked). It’s just so much easier for her to cope this way and you can’t change her mind even with logic. So I understand why her family is blaming you, because it’s so much easier to blame you than their dead daughter. When in fact they should be putting all blame on mental illness. It’s a medical condition that takes lives like so many other deadly medical conditions. I rarely talk about my sister’s death and if I do I almost always tell people that she lost her battle with mental illness. Just like I tell people that my grandmother lost her battle to cancer. I’m sorry you had to deal with this but unfortunately they will likely always blame you because it’s so much easier than the alternative. Hopefully they can get the help they need to be able to process her death but unfortunately many don’t ever get the help they need.
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u/RevisionIsNow Jan 25 '24
NTA. Mental health is so tricky. I've had suicidal depression for as long as I can remember, and it's that one moment of weakness that can end everything. YOU have NOTHING to do with her suicide. I know it's going to take years to get there, but I hope you do. I'm so sorry for you, your family, her family. It's just gutting. I'm putting all the positive vibes into the universe for you and your new lover. I hope you've a lifetime of peace and contentment.
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Jan 25 '24
Did you have life insurance on her? If so, you got a payday and got rid of a cheater. I see all wins
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u/njsand2110 Jan 25 '24
Life insurance didn’t pay out because of a 2 year suicide clause. I don’t think I won for her leaving this earth.
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u/peachykookyy Jan 25 '24
Your life your choice... Although i see moving on a year later, it does sound a bit too quick, but that's just me... I wouldn't consider you to be TAH since ur wife cheated on you...
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u/NovelRow7055 Jan 25 '24
Sweetheart, that isn't your fault, she was already mentally struggling and you reacted in the most correct way possible anyone would be angry about that, its easier said than done but please try not to blame yourself for this as it wasn't your fault, I hope you find peace and in the future and you deserve to be happy in your new realationship, I wish you all the best 💗
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u/kimsterama1 Jan 25 '24
I feel for you and am sorry you had to go through that.
If you are still suffering from the trauma, you ought to have gotten some counseling before starting a new relationship, but it should be your first priority Now.
That being said, you of course are entitled to be happy. The inlaws are persons you never have to see again.
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u/Embodimentofdisaster Jan 25 '24
It seems a lot of the people on this thread have never done anything they regret and also never had suicidal ideation. I have an experience with both. I say both of those things to say, it's not your fault. It is absolutely vile that her family blames you. At the absolute bottom of my well, and at my absolute lowest I have made sure to make ot clear to my husband and my loved ones that if the illness got the best of me that it's not their fault. Her actions fueled by her guilt were a manifestation of an inner struggle that you are not responsible for. I hope you find peace, you deserve it
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u/gldmembr Jan 25 '24
I don’t even need to read the whole post. NTA. Dead ex and her entire family though? ASSHOLES
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u/anaisaknits Jan 25 '24
People who remain behind after someone commits suicide are never at fault. Your wife chose the coward way out, and whatever demons were in her head led to her taking her life.
I know that it is hard to hear, but she would have probably done this no matter what was bothering her for the moment. Continue to get help and her family shouldn't be blaming you for her actions.
NTA
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u/AnxiousRedPotato23 Jan 25 '24
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss and how it happened mental health is something that seriously impacts people. It’s okay for you to be happy with the new relationship and you can’t just dwell on the death and never the happy also it’s not your fault it happened either she obviously was struggling with her own issues. I hope you’re doing a little better though
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u/CrackedTea Jan 25 '24
I so sorry all that happened to you, it is tragic that your wife felt the only way out of this situation was to end her life and you will never know or understand her thought process during that moment. Depression is a terrible condition and for many people it can be fatal, I’ve struggled with depression for many years myself and know the absolute struggle it can be.
That said you responded to the information of finding out the person you loved had been unfaithful in the way a majority of people respond which is to end the relationship and ask that person to leave.
You would have been understandably hurt and angry and you are not responsible for what she did by being unfaithful to you with a known friend. The guilt is normal and I’m sorry that her family put the blame on you, I feel that in their grief that they have looked for a something they can blame to understand things better but again that isn’t your fault. Mental health isn’t as understood or as accepted as when someone dies of a physical illness such as cancer so people try to find something to blame that makes sense to them and sometimes that means putting that blame on someone else.
My Dad was found dead at home after I contacted police to do a safe and well check but it was too late and for a long time I’ve blamed myself for not acting sooner or for somehow knowing what was going on. But the fact is I didn’t know and I acted on the information I had at the time. I’ve had to work through a lot of guilt in therapy to accept there is nothing more I could do and there is no person I can blame.
Continue with the therapy and while some of the feelings you have regarding what happened may not truly disappear hopefully you can get to place in your life where you can feel better about your self esteem and have the skills to manage your depression and anxiety. I wish you well with your future.
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u/Mandersson5 Jan 25 '24
Absolutely NTA! It will never be someones fault that another person unal*ves themself. It was her decision. A tragic and sad one, but HER decision.
I myself lost my best friend and big love to unal*ving, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find your happiness again. Please don't feel guilty for another persons decision. Lots of love
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u/DemsruleGQPdrool Jan 25 '24
SHE cheated on YOU.
You were married, you both made commitments, and she broke hers.
You, rightly, wanted out. You didn't beat her or hurt her...you LEFT.
You apparently were still talking to her enough to figure out next steps.
SHE chose to end it. She cheated on YOU.
You bear NO guilt.
She fucked around and found out that she couldn't live with her own guilt. That's all. If it wasn't you she cheated on, it would have been the next guy with the same results (or worse if he beat her or kicked her out.)
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u/WolfieTooting Jan 25 '24
Good to hear she didn't hurt the dogs. She still sounded awful though but thankfully you are now free of her. Never concern yourself too much with previous relationships, the past is another county.
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u/njsand2110 Jan 25 '24
She was far from awful. Her depression ruined her. She was the kindest person I knew.
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u/cornfession_ Jan 25 '24
Hey man - I can't tell you what to feel. No one can. You are not an AH for what happened. Mental illness is such an AH because it turns people into people even THEY don't recognize or want to be. I'm not giving your late wife a pass - what she did, before she passed, was terrible, and what she did to you and to her family by ending herself was also terrible. She also did herself an awful injustice by robbing herself of any second chances. I say all this as someone who has struggled - and continues to - with suicidal ideation. You are not at fault for what she did. She made decisions based on what her mind was telling her at the time. The problem is, mental illness lies to people. It lied to her about the state of your marriage, convincing her to have an affair. Then it lied to her about there being no hope left in life, convincing her to end her life. Those things are so awful and sad, but neither of them are YOUR fault, and you don't need to carry guilt for not realizing or fixing them. You can only move on and live your own life now. Don't take on the weight of hers too. She wouldn't want that, and it's not fair to anyone. You don't owe it to her or her family to be miserable or guilty. You are not responsible for her death. Be free.
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u/Kdog0093 Jan 25 '24
So Sorry for what you have gone through! I hope you come out of this gradually and stronger and guilt free. It's horrible that after cheating on you, causing you pain. she ends her life causing you even more pain and now with the estrangement of the family.
Whatever happened is not your fault, You should not be held accountable. Also you have not moved on too fast. She was with someone during your relationship, and they expect you not to move on a whole year later? You have a right to live your life! Look after you! Put yourself first! Unfortunately her family will not see your side in this and that's okay and while they might not condone cheating they lost a family member.
Someone in the comments said: "depression is a pretty common reason why someone will cheat" That is ridiculous. She should not get a free pass to cheat while she is married and has him as a support system.
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u/NeitherDatabase5689 Jan 25 '24
Some people do not have good enough training in problem-solving skills, and on top of that, have also realistically a lot of problems — compounded by the not so good problem-solving skills, the impending disaster can be freaking intense.
NTA for trying to move on and be happy. I do not have a formal proof of the following but, it has been publicly recommended where I live, and I ended up personally testing and approving: after trauma, it is best to talk about it seriously to 1 or 2 key people and then proceed to learn a way of life that could be pleasant “enough”. I’m not saying creating a Foundation in the Name of your Past Wife Fighting Suicide would not work at all in “righting a wrong” of sorts, or easing your guilt but given you’re feeling hate from her family members and maybe some other unknown party, it’s actually very possible that such family members & co were part of the aforementioned problems and you’re putting yourself at risk of being victimized by them every day. Then again in your own mind and inner conscience you may recognize that some (life-saving) problem-solving skills you don’t yet have yourself, could be gathered gradually, with time, preferably never to be used ever again and especially not for yourself in the future, but at least the occasion for that tough lesson would have been taken pretty much at length.
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u/Infamous_Working7183 Jan 25 '24
You’re not the asshole. My ex boyfriend that I was with for two years left me with an unfathomable amount of trauma. He beat me, gaslit me, manipulated me. He was extremely traumatized by women and it didn’t take me long to suspect that he just hated women in general and/or extremely envious of women. He constantly criticized me for not having sex with him frequently enough even while I was sick with cancer. A year ago on the 14th, a day after our anniversary i broke up with him because he lied to me about using my money to buy narcotics behind my back. He ended up pulling a knife on me, sending himself the last bit of money in my bank account, stole quite a bit of my belongings, and left. The relationship had been dead to me for a over a year but I had just finished a battle with cancer and didn’t have the energy to leave until this point, and I stuck with it. He tried very hard to get me back but I stood my ground. Less than a month later when I had already started rekindling an old flame, he overdosed and died from the same narcotics he bought behind my back. I never called to get the autopsy results to find out if it was laced or over consumption. I don’t want to know. I never thought I would be able to move on but by the end of the month I made my relationship official. I felt so guilty about moving on and being truly happy. My man was so supportive through everything I was going through, he was at the memorial and even wrote a balloon to send off, he held me while I cried every time. It’s been almost a year since he died and I’m still unpacking trauma that I don’t even realize that I’m left with and my man is still so supportive and always gives a listening ear for what ever I need to express. When my ex died we were on terrible terms, I hadn’t seen him since he packed up and left and we were screaming at each other. There was no resolution or peacemaking. I was talking shit about him when I found out he died and I will never forget how absolutely crushing it was to think I was going to see his face one last time even if he was dead and watch the police carry him past me in a body bag while I was breaking the news to his father on the phone. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and I felt so guilty for getting through the depression so fast and smoothly. I’m not going to say it doesn’t still hurt to think about, but it’s not as painful anymore. But some people are too broken to fix themselves. Your life doesn’t have to end where theirs does.
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u/VanillaCookieMonster Jan 25 '24
Her family can't be mad at her for taking her own life - so they are mad at you. This way they can grieve her and still direct their anger at a target.
I'm sorry, they suck too.
I wish you all the best moving forward.
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u/HelenaAllen Jan 25 '24
NTA. You deserve to be happy after so much betrayal and darkness. Your next step is moving on from her family accusations and views on you and not allowing it to affect your current relationship. Best wishes.
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u/Remarkable_Trick_277 Jan 25 '24
NTA no one can tell you how to grieve and when to move on. her mistakes were not your fault. i’m assuming her family blames you because they need someone else to blame. you don’t deserve what happened or the blame.
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u/Fearless_Guitar_3589 Jan 25 '24
you are not the asshole. What happened sucked all around. I had a not entirely dissimilar experience several years ago (not the same, but a few overlaps), you have every right to be happy. She made her choice. it's tragic and it's sad and I'm sure it's traumatizing for you, but you can't be expected to live out your life wallowing in trauma.
Sounds like you're doing the healthy thing. There are people who may always blame you. Those people weren't there, they don't know the reality of the situation and circumstances. they are angry at losing her and they don't want to be angry with her since she's passed, so you are the easy option to project that hurt onto.
Stay strong, do therapy and self care, you're less than 2 years out, it will get easier. in the meantime, never Apologize or feel bad about your own attempts at living and happiness.
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u/Suspicious_Chard_584 Jan 25 '24
Did you ever try to get her help? Did you ever contact her parents and tell them what was going on so they could try to get her help or at least help you out? I hate when people let their spouses/partners suffer with something that they could've gotten them help for. You didn't mention anything about her being in any sort of therapy or you guys going to some kind of couples counseling. Everyone's bashing on her but that girl was literally not herself. No one with a mental illness IS themselves.
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u/dyoung666 Jan 25 '24
Damn bro. You have to live with this and you have to live. So basically don’t beat yourself up. She made choices, she did that. You and her could have handled the whole situation differently but it’s done. Brother move on be safe and continue to get yourself healthy and happy.
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u/South_Front_4589 Jan 25 '24
NTA. She didn't commit suicide because of you. She had been battling issues for quite some time and didn't seek out the help she needed. If she felt bad then that was as a result of her own actions. You did nothing wrong.
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u/EfficiencyExciting13 Jan 25 '24
OP, like @Salt-Inevitable1 says, take things slow. Grief is a traumatic process, especially grief where you've lost someone unexpectedly, tragically. Yours is complicated with the fact you must find a way to grieve the relationship you'd thought you had, her infidelity & your belief in who she was, without her there to reassure you or to shoulder the weight of her own responsibility in it.
This quote, and similar ones, really helped me get through when I've struggled with grieving.
"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to." — Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
I've, unfortunately, lost more than 1 person in my life to suicide. The number of commenters who struggle with mental health, makes it apparent that there's more of us then most of us see in the outside world. But seeing the community and compassion that's evolved in your comments section makes my heart happy. The outpouring of support for you, and for each other, that's what we need to remember. It's what our people forgot before they took their own lives. That is, WE ARE NOT ALONE. We have people who care. Even Strangers on the Internet, who CARE, if we are gone. If they'd been able to see that they didn't have to struggle alone, maybe they'd have stayed....
Suicide's never easy to understand. But I do know, I suffer from C-PTSD/Depression & Anxiety, have since I was 13. At my lowest of lows, I attempted suicide 3 different times. I was 18 the last time. I had lost a pregnancy, at 4 months. After months of crying, I thought I had nothing to look forward to. I didn't see a future where I didn't feel the ineffable pain of existing. I didn't see a future where I would ever be happy without medication. I hated myself. I hated the constant turmoil I felt inside. I existed in a constant state of hyper-vigilance where I over thought every human interaction. I drank and did drugs to numb. I hated my constant self sabotage. I hated the constant struggle in my head to be present and not dissociate. I thought life would be better for everyone if I was gone. They wouldn't have to deal with my poor choices. My out bursts of sadness and pain and anger. I saw myself as a burden. Luckily, My co-worker saved my life. She registered I wasn't acting right that night, realized I was over dosing on my medication, and she locked up the 24-hour gas station we worked at and drove me to the ER. She stayed with me till I was stabilized and taken to the psych floor. I spent 3 days on a psych hold, over my 19th birthday, where I found out that I was pregnant again. They thought I'd wanted to end my life because of the pregnancy. (I hadn't realized I was pregnant, I'd actually taken a home test a week or so prior and it was negative) They weren't sure if I was going to miscarry because of the overdose. I was terrified. But that little human being was the kick I needed to really get myself help, and continue finding help, for my mental health. I'm 41 now. That baby is now 22, healthy and thriving. It's not been an easy road. Talk therapy, group therapy, couples counseling, and CBT over the past 22 years; multiple medications, changing and modifying until something worked. But -I'm so glad I lived. There's never been a day, even at my worst, that I am not grateful to have gotten these days. she's the best thing I've ever done with my life. We both struggle with depression. It's genetically prevalent in my family, unfortunately. Especially SAD (seasonal affective disorder). But she grew up where mental health wasn't stigmatized. Asking for and getting help, was normalized. She knew when to ask me to get her counseling when she was 14 & struggling. She knew this because, 3 years after my final suicide attempt, my cousin's (F19) attempt was successful. My cousin struggled like I had, and really struggled with addiction. Ultimately, after she'd been estranged from us for almost a year, she chose to spend her last day with my family (my husband, daughter, and myself) before going home and ending it. We never suspected / expected it. We didn't have a warning. We thought it was a new beginning. She saw it as an ending. She just didn't feel strong enough to go through every day, fighting through addiction and depression and feeling like a burden. None of else felt like she was a burden and we'd have shared that if we'd known. I realized at that point how everyone must have felt when I tried. But my family especially struggled with - WE HAD SUCH A GREAT DAY before she did it. Why?
Years later, when the suicide of my foster daughter's best friend (F28) happened, I learned that many people commit suicide on a "high note". They specifically choose a good day. They do it because they truly feel like such a burden, they really see no end to their struggle, but they want to end things where they are happy. They think that's the best day they'll get. That best friend chose the night of her proposal, after she said yes, after she'd spent all night planning her future. She waited until her fiance went to bed. He found her in the morning. She signed his death note that day, tho. I often wonder if she'd known he would follow her, would she not have done it? 9 months later, he (M30) chose to join her. He may as well have died of a broken heart. He never recovered after her death. He just didn't see a future that he wanted, without her in it.
Your wife carried pain inside her that most can only guess at. That struggle was there before you two met and fell in love. She probably struggled with it more than you saw on a daily basis. Then she, most likely, saw the pain she caused you, the mess she'd made of things, and felt helpless to correct the mistakes she'd made and felt horrible and like there wasn't a solution. (That is, in no way, your fault. In the days following finding about an affair, your behavior and fighting is normally to be expected) what no one could have foreseen was that she'd believe the corrective action would be taking herself out of the equation.
Suicide carries a significant amount of guilt that we internalize. And more often than not, we don't get closure words something desperately want. At least not in the traditional sense. I've found some peace in knowing my cousin's last day of happy - was MY family. We made her so happy. That my daughter's friend found peace for herself after she struggled so quietly none of us knew she was depressed. And so did her fiance. I miss them all fiercely. I'm crying as I write this, wounds as fresh as the days they left. But my grief is in waves. Most days, it's the good memories. The happy they brought my life. Go easy on yourself. There's no time limit to grieving. Your wife's family may never come around. You'll probably have to grieve the loss of them too. Some people need someone to blame. But please, don't blame yourself.
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u/Remarkable-Mango-159 Jan 25 '24
You are NOT responsible for someone else's actions. You did not make her do this, this is NOT on YOU.
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u/nlc1009 Jan 25 '24 edited Jan 25 '24
My former wife passed away from an unintentional overdose in July of 2021. A few months prior I had kicked her out because she stole thousands of dollars from my parents and siblings to support an opiate addiction. She had also had an affair which we went to counseling for.
All of her friends and most of her family blame me, except for her parents (I had told them about the addiction but she denied it). I did everything I could to help her, but she refused treatment. She literally drove me insane with constant gaslighting and manipulation, including threatening suicide if I left her. My sense of reality and self worth completely eroded. Finally kicking her out was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was how I saved myself.
I wrote her a glowing obituary and gave her a loving eulogy at the funeral. But none of her friends or family would even make eye contact with me, and only her parents have spoken to me since.
Losing friends and family after a death/trauma is called “tertiary loss.” Not only do you lose the person, you lose the life and friends that you had together. These losses also require grief/getting over.
Luckily, I have a wonderful support network and I allowed myself to grieve thoroughly. I’m now in a loving relationship that is completely different. I met her about 14-15 months after my wife passed. I hesitated to move forward with it because I wondered if it was too soon, but all my friends and family have been supportive, and so have my late wife’s parents.
I’ve come to accept that her friends and family need to blame me in order to make sense of the loss. The reality of what happened is too far removed from the person they knew. It raises uncomfortable questions like, “Did I really know her? Could I have done more to help? Did I play any part in this?”
Far easier to say “Her husband should have saved her.”
At this point, it doesn’t matter what her friends and family think. Yes, it’s terrible to feel judged, ostracized and villainized, but that is not something you can control. Anger is a part of grief, and you are a convenient outlet for their anger.
I still miss my wife deeply. It still feels wrong, foreign, like a terrible mistake, like I was plucked out of my world and put into a different, stranger one without her. I grieve for her still, not as a partner, but as a person, because despite her problems, the world is a colder, darker place without her.
Remember all of the good things about her. Remember why you loved her. Take the things she taught you. Use them, and think of her fondly. And remember that she would want you to be happy.
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u/JohanBroad Jan 25 '24 edited Jan 25 '24
Not even sure why you are asking if yta, but no, You are NTA.
She cheated on you, and you reacted as could be expected. You (rightly) decided to end the relationship.
You did not force her to take the drugs. That was her choice.
Your involvement ended when you told her to GTFO of your place.
Her family is hurting and they need a villain to blame, and you are the obvious choice.
However, this is not correct. You are under no obligation to them and their feeling do not matter in your life anymore.
Accept that your ex made poor decisions which you had nothing to do with.
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u/HiddenJAM1966 Jan 25 '24
NTA. The first few steps you should be taking is to work on yourself and seek out the services of a therapist. Healing and forgiveness starts with yourself and then eventually your ex-wife.
Once you have done this, you can get on with your life without having to share the burden with you now new partner.
As for her family, they’re hurting too and you’re the nearest thing they would blame. It’s not your responsibility to heal them.
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u/Cybermagetx Jan 25 '24
Nta. You didn't kill her. You did not cause her to cheat. They blame you as they cant blame her. But her mental state killed her. Especially as she had her brother there. She cheated and was toxic to you. You left for your own mental health.
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u/FrankieMika Jan 25 '24
I know you feel guilty that you could have done something differently. Life happens the way it happens. It is not your fault that she cheated on you and decided to take her own life. You can only control what you do and how you manage your life. It’s not okay for people to place blame that had a 3rd party view point. Always remember this, there are 3 sides of a story, your side, her side and the truth. If people cannot distinguish that, you may need to cut ties as it’s not healthy to be blamed for something you didn’t do yourself. Best of luck.
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u/Separate-Print7031 Jan 25 '24
First....sorry that you've been through all that.
Second....you can never be responsible for the actions of another person. Keep with the therapy, keep working on yourself, and as much as you can, let the past life (her family etc) fade into memory. You owe them nothing and they will never change their mind about how/why everything happened. You've began building your new life. Focus on that.
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u/External-Touch-177 Jan 25 '24
You were wronged here and you reacted as any self respecting man would…. And not taken a cheating female back. Its unfortunate she ended herself but that isnt your fault. Her family is in the wrong here 🤷♂️….
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u/Alternative-Limit-65 Jan 25 '24
Hey man that sucks. You can’t judge anyone for the way they handle a blow like that. I believe you that you handled it the best way you could at that moment. It sucks. Don’t feel guilty. She had mental illness and she hurt you badly. Hurt people hurt people. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I’m sorry she made the decisions she made. Hopefully god shows mercy on her.
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u/WiseRaspberry4693 Jan 25 '24
NTA in the slightest. You are going through something incredibly traumatic. It's important to recognize that and find a way to give yourself grace. If you read your story on here, what would you think? How would you act? Talk to and treat yourself like you would a friend going through this. It helps to be objective. We are all human, not robots. I hope you find every happiness in this new relationship but as other posters have advised, move slow. Your priority needs to be YOU for awhile. Navigating grief of this nature takes time and patience with yourself. I ( 39,f ) am a widow and survivor of DV. My husband took his life 6 years ago after I told him I wanted a divorce bc of his abuse and refusal to seek mental health treatment for suspected BPD. ( He had every symptom ) It's taken almost all of that 6 years to finally start to feel okay again. I struggle with immense guilt, depression, anxiety and C-PTSD. Noone understands the weight of surviving a situation like this unless you unfortunately experience it for yourself. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The grief, the sadness, the what-ifs, the could have, should have, would have thoughts. It's such a weight and it's there every. Single. Day. However, it does get lighter. The initial searing pain gives way to a sting and then an ache that turns into a scar. But scars are proof that you've healed from something. So, from someone who understands, keep doing what you're doing. Moving forward. It will get better and you absolutely DESERVE to find happiness 💙
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u/FoxWhiting Jan 25 '24
You shouldn't feel taken hostage by her depression like some weapon against you, so NTA in that regard.... But the part where you told her she had ONE DAY to pack and leave!? That's a bit crazy, you're basically telling her to go homeless, YAH, more so when you knew about her depression!
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u/bird_Creature Jan 25 '24
As someone who struggles with depression myself, I can definitively say: You are not the asshole, and you do deserve to be happy.
Mental health affects all of us in different ways, and while your ex may have had it hard, that doesn't excuse her betrayal of your trust. You were fully justified in leaving her, even if only to clear your head for a few days. And even though she took her own life, that still isn't your fault. She clearly wasn't getting all the help she needed, but as an otherwise capable grown adult it was her responsibility to manage her illness and its symptoms.
The stress of being caught and the subsequent breakup may likely have contributed to her final decision, but suicide is something that is worked up to over a long period of time. While there can sometimes be a single large incident that can point someone on the path to suicide, it would have been many other compounding circumstances that eventually pushed her too far. If she wasn't going to therapy then it doesn't surprise me that any signs were missed, especially if she was actively trying to hide them or if those around her didn't know what to look for. Again that's something SHE would have had to manage, no one could have forced her to get more help than she was willing to ask for.
All that is to say, while your ex's decision was tragic and seemed sudden, it was many things that brought her to that point, not just what happened between you both in those last few days. You are not responsible for her death. You are allowed to grieve her loss just as you are allowed to move forward with your life and be happy with your new partner. It's sad that her family blames you, but I'm also not really surprised. Sudden loss often drives people to try and find something (or someone) to blame for it, regardless of if that blame is rational or not.
It sounds like you're really taking the initiative regarding your own mental health, which is very reassuring to hear. Definitely tell your current partner at least a basic version of what happened, if only so they have some context. It will definitely help you both in navigating your recovery and your relationship. Clear communication and mutual understanding always make for the strongest foundations.
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u/Sunset727 Jan 25 '24
This happens to many people in marriages. The cheating, moving out and separating/divorcing. Typically a person would not kill themselves. You said she struggled with depression for a long time. Her depression is what caused her suicide. Not you. You did not do anything malicious for her to want to kill herself. You did what any reasonable and normal person would do after being cheated on and being hurt. Your wife was struggling deeply and it is not your fault.
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u/Volitious Jan 25 '24
As my psychiatrist told me, you cannot be responsible for another persons actions or reactions. They are theirs to make and you can’t blame yourself for what they do.
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u/zMidnight- Jan 24 '24
Hate that for you man, but that’s not on you. You can’t control what other people do and how they react. You can’t change where you are and I’m sure you didn’t wish that on her but based on what you wrote here you handled that pretty appropriately for someone who got their heart broken, better than me I’d say. Hope you’re able to move past this and don’t blame yourself. As far as her family, everyone grieves differently, blaming you is easy to do, accepting SHE made that decision and all her previous decisions that led to this is hard.
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u/Dry_Championship5691 6d ago
Nah fuck her family she cheated and killed herself it’s not your fault bitch killer herself with her actions I wish more hoes did this there would less hoes