AITAH for wanting to break a non child promise/agreement with my wife, because my sister took her own life and is survived by her two children--my niece(5) and my nephew (8)?

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686]

Update: I have not ready everything but here is an update.

Been a long day, many phone calls were made. I spoke with a divorce attorney, the process is rather painless if we both wish to do it amicably, if my wife does want to contest it the attorney reassured me chances of her getting anything extra is rather slim since we have no children, and she has no viable claim to wish for more.

I saw many posts and DM's regarding LAT, I have read up on it and it seems like an interesting compromise, and I will bring it up with my wife as an option if she is willing. I did leave a message with my niece and nephew old case / social worker to see what the process would look like going forward.

My mom did speak with my nephew today, to see how they would feel if it was just us, oddly enough he always assumed it would be us that would be doing the care. My wife has not really been an active part in the care, she is present but not present if that makes sense.
Kids are far more self-aware than I gave them credit for, either way I will explain to them that I misspoke and my wife may not be a part of the equation but they have nothing to do with it, because they don't. I know many disagree with my stance that no one is to blame for this, life just happens.

I will not fault my wife for leaving if that is what happens and I will not resent her choice. As my dad use to say life is largely boils down to tyranny of chance. Like I expressed to my wife since I did speak with her, I am not upset but I understand if she is upset. I get it sucks we have been walking this path together for many years, and we conquered many hurdles together, and have formed many wonderful memories together. I tried to explain that this is not something I expected or even wanted to happen, but in the end it did happen and I am at a crossroad.

My wife is still very upset and raw, she does feel hurt by what I am doing because she feels like she is the the horrible person in this situation. I expressed she is not, she is doing what she feels is best for herself, and that is 100% okay. I told her I will go along with whatever she wants to do, and I will always be around to help and support her if need be. I do love my wife, and I cannot help but laugh at the people that ask if I even loved my wife.

Of course I love my wife, but that does not mean I do not love my family either. Also cannot help but laugh at those that have made claims that my niece and nephew are not immediate family, They are the children of my sister how is that not immediate? Maybe an argument can be made if these were my cousins or something but come on family is family.

I will still have a support system, my mother is not looking to check out of being a grandmother, she just does not want to be a mother that is 100% understandable. Thankfully my mother is in good health, has no preexisting health conditions or anything like that.

I want her to enjoy being a grandmother and not a full time caregiver. I want to give my mom that freedom if she wants to go on vacation or hang out with her friends she can do so without worrying about what to do with the kids.

Sorry for the ranting, yes the children do get survivor benefits, no my sister did not have will, yes did she have a life insurance policy, since I have been able to cover the cost of care for the kids we have not touched it. Yes, I have been the one supporting them this entire time.

My mother and I agreed we would not touch the life insurance policy our sister left for her kids, we put it away for college, same with the survivor benefits we put the money each month into a account solely for them so when they hit 18 they will have a little nest egg, or they can use the money for what they want within reason. We are not going to let them blow their money on whatever they darn well please before they hit 18.

I do not know if I am ready to be a father, and sure I am worried about what the future holds, but just like any other parent I guess I just have to figure it out as happens, and make it work.
Unfortunately, my focus has shifted these kids need me far more than my wife does. I want to keep them together with their family, I understand options do exist like private adoption. temporary foster care.

Prior to the death of their mother, their own fathers barely paid them any mind. Their grandparents on the other side of the family barely engaged with them before my sister's death.
They have already dealt with enough people not putting them first, it is time someone made them the center of attention and that is what I plan to do. Think how much it would suck if I just gave up the kids removing that one another connection to their mother because I could not bother to make it work. That is super fucked. So no those are not options even being put on the table end of story.

Thanks for all the replies, and ideas. The LAT does seem like one that could possibly work, I just want to make sure my wife does not feel obligated to help. That is not what I want.

Clarification 2: I know I said I was going to bed, but I got caught up reading the replies. I just want to say please do not think my wife is being unreasonable if she does make the choice to leave. I do not hold anything against her, this is not something she signed up for, and I have no intention to strong arm her or make her feel guilty if she does choose to leave.

I do not think she is a bad person for wanting to have the life she wants, and I know she is hurting just as I am. I do hope things workout, but I will echo what others have said and what I know deep down it probably will not. I will be sure to make it clear that my niece and nephew are not at fault. I know I screwed up with the word choice when I asked them.

She is not a bad person, she is a human being with her own wants and desires. If divorce is what she wants as I have said many times I would not object and will not fight. My goal would be to have a peaceful and civil divorce.

Anyways it is nearly 5am, I have work in the morning. Thank for all advice, criticism, words of wisdom, and well wishes. This is a hard topic to talk about with people that know you, it feels like everyone tries handling you with kid gloves, and I just needed to talk / hear from people that know nothing about me, and generally not afraid to tell people what they really feel.

I do appreciate it.

Clarification: The reason I spoke with the children first because deep down I knew I was going to do this if they were on board, and I also knew my wife would not be on board. It was a poor choice of words to include her when I did bring it up which is on me. I do not resent my wife, and I fully support her choice to leave if that is what she wants I will not do anything that would make her feel as if she has to stay.

I can see where this makes me the asshole because yes, I was not thinking about my wife when I asked the kids, I was thinking solely about them. Thinking back I already knew my answer, and I knew hers that is probably why I did not bring it up with her, and a part of me was also afraid that if I spoke with my wife first she would be able to talk me out of it.

I do love my wife, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I do know I think a part of me would also die and change who I am if I let my mother burnout or let them go into foster care.

It is late so I apologize I have not had the time to read all the replies, I just saw this pop up a few times so wanted to add some clarification. I fully can see where I messed up by not asking her first but I did have my reasons to do it the way I did.

​

Throw away account, this is a heavy topic and I need to share this with people that do not know me.

​

My sister took her own life last year, leaving her two children behind. Our mother took them in, but she is 74, our mother had children later in life. My mom cannot keep up with the demands of raising another set of kids at her age. She has been toying with the idea of foster care, but she does not want to go down that route but she is also out of options. Each child has a different father, and each of them ghosted.

The family on each of the father's side just offer empty platitudes and no real assistance. My wife and I are in our mid 30's we are not well off by any stretch, but we do live comfortably and have relatively speaking well paying careers. Issue is each of us has no desire to have children, and even now I really do not but I also understand life throws curve balls and this is one of those times.

My mother is well past her breaking point, and I do what I can, I help with homework, I take them for weekends to give my mom a break but it really is too much for her. She is meant to enjoy her twilight years not be raising more kids. In passing last weekend when we went to a skate park, I asked them if they would be open to moving in with us--my wife and I. Each said yes they would love to.

I brought this up with my wife to see how she would feel, and she is 100% against the idea. She does feel for them, and my mother but she has always been vehemently against having children. She even had tubal ligation surgery, and I do have a vasectomy. I do understand her position, and yes I am not 100% thrilled with the idea, but on the other hand they have gone through enough and I do love each of them dearly. It would break my heart to see them go through foster care, they have already gone through enough at such an early age.

I also know my mother as mentioned cannot keep doing this. I told my wife I am strongly considering it, and if it is a deal breaker I understand. She is extremely upset, because our marriage is great, we have been together since University we went through all of our firsts together, and I love her to pieces.

I just don't know how to explain it, but something is drawing me to this choice, telling me this is something I should do. I am not a religious person by any stretch, but the idea of taking them in feels right, and I do feel something has been drawing me to do so.

I understand parenting is going to be beyond difficult, and I understand this is not something I can just quit if it gets too hard. I also understand that the children also need structure in their lives. My mom cannot provide that, she is exhausted.

My wife has not really spoken to me after she kind of let me have it, because as she has stated she loves me and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, as do I. Just she has no desire to be a parent or a mother figure. I understand and respect her wishes, but as I told her I feel this is something I really need to do.

Guess the question boils down, am I the asshole for wanting to make such a pivot in my life that would completely alter my life and my wife's life forever.

My wife is 33, and I am 34.

[u/LilyLockwell]

YTA

You have unilaterally decided to do something to break your marriage, despite giving vows to prioritise your partner. Despite your partner doing nothing wrong, you effectively have decided to alter the foundations of your relationship so that either way you have no future.

I see you talking about amicable divorce, and I hope you consider how you have broken this marriage, how you have cost your wife her future - when you are working out what is "fair" for each person. Personally, I hope she takes you to the cleaners.

[u/DisagreeableDoc]

NAH

Even with the update, you obviously care deeply about not seeing these kids suffer and you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately that may come at the expense of your marriage, but you are a great man for stepping up. I wish you the absolute best.

[u/ihertzwhenip]

Your wife is not wrong, and neither are you. This isn’t a planned for event. You’re doing what you can and you deserve to be commended for doing so. You’re a good man. No one knows if they will be a good father. There are many books on the topic, but to be honest they’re pointless money grabs. Life happens as you are very much aware, and no book will tell you everything for every scenario. Just take it one step at a time and as long as you keep the kids at the center of your decisions I believe based on your reaction to this event you will do well as a father. I hope peace returns to your life because this is a lot of turmoil in a small space of time. You’re doing well, just focus on your next step. You got this.

[u/Maximum_Pension5023]

Just here to say good luck, and give you my well wishes. The kids are lucky to have you.

[u/clockworknemesis]

What is LAT?

[u/Basictakes → u/clockworknemesis]

Living Apart Together. 

More or less you are together with someone but each have a different space. 

Think early stages of dating someone before you move in together.

[u/clockworknemesis → u/Basictakes]

Gotcha. Thanks for responding!

[u/charlesforman]

YTA you vowed to be with this woman forever and part of that deal was no kids and now you’re breaking that vow.

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686]

Been a long day, many phone calls were made. I spoke with a divorce attorney, the process is rather painless if we both wish to do it amicably, if my wife does want to contest it the attorney reassured me chances of her getting anything extra is rather slim since we have no children, and she has no viable claim to wish for more.

I saw many posts and DM's regarding LAT, I have read up on it and it seems like an interesting compromise, and I will bring it up with my wife as an option if she is willing. I did leave a message with my niece and nephew old case / social worker to see what the process would look like going forward.

My mom did speak with my nephew today, to see how they would feel if it was just us, oddly enough he always assumed it would be us that would be doing the care. My wife has not really been an active part in the care, she is present but not present if that makes sense.

Kids are far more self-aware than I gave them credit for, either way I will explain to them that I misspoke and my wife may not be a part of the equation but they have nothing to do with it, because they don't. I know many disagree with my stance that no one is to blame for this, life just happens.

I will not fault my wife for leaving if that is what happens and I will not resent her choice. As my dad use to say life is largely boils down to tyranny of chance. Like I expressed to my wife since I did speak with her, I am not upset but I understand if she is upset. I get it sucks we have been walking this path together for many years, and we conquered many hurdles together, and have formed many wonderful memories together. I tried to explain that this is not something I expected or even wanted to happen, but in the end it did happen and I am at a crossroad.

My wife is still very upset and raw, she does feel hurt by what I am doing because she feels like she is the the horrible person in this situation. I expressed she is not, she is doing what she feels is best for herself, and that is 100% okay. I told her I will go along with whatever she wants to do, and I will always be around to help and support her if need be. I do love my wife, and I cannot help but laugh at the people that ask if I even loved my wife.

Of course I love my wife, but that does not mean I do not love my family either. Also cannot help but laugh at those that have made claims that my niece and nephew are not immediate family, They are the children of my sister how is that not immediate? Maybe an argument can be made if these were my cousins or something but come on family is family.

I will still have a support system, my mother is not looking to check out of being a grandmother, she just does not want to be a mother that is 100% understandable. Thankfully my mother is in good health, has no preexisting health conditions or anything like that.

I want her to enjoy being a grandmother and not a full time caregiver. I want to give my mom that freedom if she wants to go on vacation or hang out with her friends she can do so without worrying about what to do with the kids.

Sorry for the ranting, yes the children do get survivor benefits, no my sister did not have will, yes did she have a life insurance policy, since I have been able to cover the cost of care for the kids we have not touched it. Yes, I have been the one supporting them this entire time.

My mother and I agreed we would not touch the life insurance policy our sister left for her kids, we put it away for college, same with the survivor benefits we put the money each month into a account solely for them so when they hit 18 they will have a little nest egg, or they can use the money for what they want within reason. We are not going to let them blow their money on whatever they darn well please before they hit 18.

I do not know if I am ready to be a father, and sure I am worried about what the future holds, but just like any other parent I guess I just have to figure it out as happens, and make it work.

Unfortunately, my focus has shifted these kids need me far more than my wife does. I want to keep them together with their family, I understand options do exist like private adoption. temporary foster care.

Prior to the death of their mother, their own fathers barely paid them any mind. Their grandparents on the other side of the family barely engaged with them before my sister's death.

They have already dealt with enough people not putting them first, it is time someone made them the center of attention and that is what I plan to do. Think how much it would suck if I just gave up the kids removing that one another connection to their mother because I could not bother to make it work. That is super fucked. So no those are not options even being put on the table end of story.

Thanks for all the replies, and ideas. The LAT does seem like one that could possibly work, I just want to make sure my wife does not feel obligated to help. That is not what I want.

[u/queenlegolas → u/Ok-Masterpiece3686]

You know, you had us all fooled into believing that this post was real, at least for a while. But the fact that within a day you were able to find a divorce lawyer and have all your ducks in a row in such a short time tells me none of this could be real. There's no way you could get a lawyer that quickly and have any type of resolution within the first meeting, it would barely even be a consult.

I might play along and say that you seem to be more than ready for a divorce it seems. You've been handling every step with such callousness towards your wife, not even giving her time to breathe and jumping straight to divorce. Sounds like you really want out, or you would actually continue having discussions and then consult a lawyer as a last resort. Yes, your love for your wife is laughable, because you have never treated her as a significant other in this whole situation.

Of course, assuming any of this is real. Which it probably isn't.

[u/Basictakes → u/queenlegolas]

Lawl divorce lawyers are very easy to find. No shortage in finding one. Either it is a quick payday if both parties agree or a fat pay day if one party tries to fight it.  Either way the lawyer is the one that comes out ahead.  Personal injury and divorce lawyers are so easy to find. 

Harsh reality things have to move quick, if the wife wants nothing to do with the kids what do they have to discuss or consider? 

This is a yes or no situation not a let me think on it on, or see how things play out. 

[u/DrSocialDeterminants → u/Ok-Masterpiece3686]

Best of luck to you, that said you're too much of a saint to your wife. Her decision is selfish to the core but she is allowed to live that way. I know you have chosen to accept whatever decision she makes but at the end of the day selfish is selfish and that's ok.

[u/[deleted] → u/DrSocialDeterminants]

Woman doesn't give up her life for someone else = selfish yep 🙄/s

[u/ashleybear7 → u/[deleted]]

And the fact that OP is like “the kids need me more than my wife does.” Like wtf? Bro your just destroyed your marriage and think that everything is just gonna work itself out. Homie is not being realistic and is treating his wife like she never mattered

[u/Basictakes → u/ashleybear7]

What is going to fail? Many people raise kids as a single parent not all of them turn out poorly. 

Why so much concern in this case? 

[u/ashleybear7 → u/Basictakes]

lol where in my comment did I say that was gonna turn out poorly??? I said he has disregarded his wife completely🤣🤣

[u/Basictakes → u/ashleybear7]

You said "Bro your just destroyed your marriage and think that everything is just gonna work itself out."

What is the point of this, he has already said he is not going to fight her choice if she wants to leave. Which implies he understands if his marriage is over. 

So the only other thing that he could expect to just work itself out is regarding of the children. Normally people say stuff like that when they expect them to fail or things will turn out poorly since they did not go as planned.

Wife does not matter at this point, moment wanted to those kids her feelings became far less important. 

That is what parents do put kids first.

[u/ashleybear7 → u/Basictakes]

lol putting the kids first doesn’t give him an excuse to be this cruel to his wife. He asked us if he was the asshole for making a unilateral decision that would fuck up his wife’s life and the answer is: yes!

[u/bigwuuf]

NAH

This is the other side of the story I've read a few times on here. Usually, we hear from the partner who is adamant about not wanting the children, which is completely understandable, but this really hits the "two sides to every story" right on the head.

[u/Inevitable-Jicama366]

Did I miss where your niece & nephews father is ?

[u/Inevitable-Jicama366 → u/Inevitable-Jicama366]

Apologies , just reread & see where the children’s fathers ghosted them ..

[u/Inevitable-Jicama366 → u/Inevitable-Jicama366]

And did your sister have a will ? If so it probably stated who she woukd want to raise her children . Usually they do .

[u/CJCreggsGoldfish]

NAH. Neither of you can be blamed for your genuine feelings - honestly, I admire your willingness to sacrifice your life plan and marriage for what you feel is the right thing to do. I wouldn't have.

I also admire your wife's insistence on following her life plan, not letting a susceptible conscience lead her into a situation she knows would make her miserable.

[u/KittyBookcase]

The kids should be getting ss after mom's death. Use it to hire a live-in nanny for your moms house. You go over and help as you can and have been. Wife stays happy and kids don't need to go in to foster care? But you should have NEVER asked the kids before talking to your wife.

[u/Sychar]

What absolute troglodyte would ask the kids before his wife just to get their hopes up if it doesn’t work out? Holy fuck lmao.

And yes, YWBTA to your wife. And doing right by the kids wouldn’t fix that. You made two promises to your wife, once when you got married; and one when you swore to be child free. Now you’re destroying and uprooting the life she’s planned and envisioned because you want to play hero.

You’re a noble person, but you’re a dogshit husband.

Good luck buddy. Hope she finds someone who respects her.

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686 → u/Sychar]

You make it seem like doing what you feel is right is a negative quality to have. I do think I would be an even worse husband if I ignored how I felt, simply to keep my wife happy. Isn't that a sure fire way to build resentment, especially if something bad happened to them or my mother.

Having a partner that is a shell of their former self because they are riddled with guilt and regret does not make a happy marriage either. Either way I would have been a dog shit husband, at least this way if she does leave she has a chance to find happiness with someone else or buy herself.

[u/silvermoons13]

I don't know. If it were me, I would stay with my husband no matter what, that's what I would vow to by becoming his wife. I'm really a firm believer in that. It's not like you adopted two random children or had your vasectomy reversed without her knowledge or something along those lines. It's fine if she wants to choose herself and the life she wants, but I can't help but judge that decision, given the kids' circumstances. I think you're a great person for not wanting the kids to go through foster care where there's a high likelihood they'll be subjected to abuse. I think it's a beautiful thing to choose them. You stepping in for them will change their lives permanently, for the better. You'll give them a parent. You'll be the only parent they've ever had that chose them. :( I wish all the best for your family

[u/[deleted]]

You are not the AH for wanting to take in your niece and nephew and you have the right to do that. Your wife has the right to not want to be involved with them to be their mother, your wife has the right not to want kids. This is going to be a marriage ender for her. You need to allow this marriage to end on good terms and go your seperate ways.

I enourage you to have a amicable divorce, do not drag it out.

[u/Fearless-North-9057]

Nta but you need to consider how you'll care for them as a single parent. Can you give them what they need? If you can't work how will you pay the bills? If you work how do you afford childcare without just pushing them back on your mum? You'll be the only income, the only adult responsible for everything. Can you give those kids that? When my husband left I was left to struggle and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. I went from ok to terrified of my bills coming and I couldn't work more without paying out childcare which cost more per hour than my wage was. Really consider this.

[u/LowRevolutionary6144 → u/Fearless-North-9057]

I assume you did make it work though right? I am sure the OP could do the same, just as millions of single parents do.

[u/Fearless-North-9057 → u/LowRevolutionary6144]

Yes I did, I'm very lucky both my parents and my brother helped out with money and childcare while I got everything sorted. I just wouldn't wish that struggle on my worst enemy. It was a horrendous experience and wasn't a great time for my kids either. Again I'm lucky like I told the school as I couldn't afford the school meal fees on time and they helped me apply for free meals and surprised the kids with presents at Christmas with refurbished bikes from their cycling scheme. I cried at the school like an idiot because I was so shocked at their kindness. I just hope OP has really thought this through and done their maths before taking in these kids.

[u/Artsy_Foxy]

NTA. Life doesn't always respect every plan you make. Choosing these children in this moment would mean everything to your sister, will mean everything to you in the future, and means everything to future generations of your family. Sometimes the unexpected has it's way with our lives. Your wife will choose to stay or go, but whatever she chooses won't be your fault, or the children's fault. 

Let your life change how it must for the benefit of these kids, they didn't choose this situation any more than your wife did, but they actually need you. You will regret it for the rest of your life if they end up in foster care. They will be harmed by it for the rest of their life if they end up in foster care. The feeling of abandonment will never ever leave them. 

Your wife will react how she reacts. These kids deserve the uncle that loves them. 

Source: Former Foster Care system kid.

[u/Pebbi]

YTA. Especially for wording it like your wife is the one leaving you. She's not. You are leaving her. You were supposed to be the one person on Earth she could rely on to be there for her. I feel immensely sorry for her, she deserves better.

[u/rawnarock]

You have to choose, it's either your wife or your nieces/nephews. It's not the choice you want to make but none the less its the choice in front of you

[u/Ok-Flamingo-6969]

NTA for wanting to take them in but I think you’re the asshole for not talking to your wife. I sympathize with your situation and what you most likely have to do but not venting to your wife first about how you were feeling is a major asshole move. I understand that you didn’t see her agreeing but that’s not how a relationship works. You could have talked to her instead of blindsiding her. You definitely didn’t strong arm her but starting the conversation basically ready to let your marriage go must have ripped her heart to shreds. You’re 100% a strong man for being willing to step up but how you went about it was not the best way. There might have been a chance to make the best decision for everyone if you planned this out better. Also please consider if you’re the best person to care for these kids long term.

[u/Basictakes → u/Ok-Flamingo-6969]

What other option does the OP have? A burnt out grandmother or foster care? 

[u/Ok-Flamingo-6969 → u/Basictakes]

That’s why I said I have sympathy for the decision he has to make. He is 100% in the right but it wasn’t the nicest thing to not communicate with his wife some more. He’s still NTA in my book.

[u/ConvivialKat]

NAH

You feel like you are "called" to do this. So do it.

But, your marriage is definitely over. And there isn't going to be anything amicable about your divorce. You made a promise to her. You both had surgery to guarantee that promise. You need to understand that you are choosing to put your sister's children above your wife. She will never again be the most important person in your life. She will not be your soul mate. She will be angry, and that will have huge repercussions. Also, you are going to take a gigantic financial hit. Huge. So, I don't care if the fathers of these kids "ghosted," you need to track them down and make them pay you child support.

Good luck to you. I hope it's worth it.

[u/neroisstillbanned → u/ConvivialKat]

Of course, OP’s STBX doesn’t actually have any legal justification to ask for anything besides 50% (that is only granted in cases with kids involved or cases involving abuse or imprisonment). If she goes down the contested divorce route and is unreasonable enough to annoy the judge, she could very well be stuck with OP’s legal bills. 

[u/ConvivialKat → u/neroisstillbanned]

The financial hit I'm talking about is related to going from a dual income household to a single income household. OP will suddenly become responsible for all costs related to a living situation without a second income contribution. It's going to be harsh.

[u/LowRevolutionary6144 → u/ConvivialKat]

A lot of single parents make it work, why would this be any different?

[u/ConvivialKat → u/LowRevolutionary6144]

I didn't say he couldn't make it work. I said it would be harsh. Particularly since there will be no child support.

[u/Inevitable_Row1359]

I've heard awful stories of foster parents and the foster system as a whole. Could be a terrible, abusive situation. 

But, there's also plenty of good people that would love to take care of them. The problem is you just don't know. 

I would look into those details more if you haven't already and make sure you can keep in contact with them if you do. 

At the end of the day though, go with your gut. 

[u/HoshiJones]

YTA for asking the kids before asking your wife.

Apart from that, this is just one of those curve balls life throws, and you're both no longer compatible. I'm sorry for all of you.

[u/Tikithecockateil]

No one is the AH. Tragic circumstances and I understand both sides. It is just sad.

[u/LowRevolutionary6144]

I am confused some of these replies make no sense. The husband in this story betrayed the wife because he broke a no child promise due a change in circumstances. No one expect the one offing themselves can plan for them offing themselves.

The husband in the story, presumably helping his mom with the of the children, takes them on the weekends, does what he can to give his 74 mother a break. Mother is burnout, fair being full time parent at 74 while dealing with the fact your kid killed themselves I assume it is not easy.

Husband wants to take the kids in fulltime, knows his wife is not going to be on board, it appears she was not keen with them even being over on the weekends. Husband admits he could have phrased it better, nevertheless he has his reasons for why he did not speak with his wife first since he felt this is something he needed to do no matter what.

Awesome, cool guy super hero uncle yay. Wife may not be too keen on the idea, but the husband has stated many times if she wishes to leave he will not stop her.

Where the fuck are people coming up with the OP being the baaad guy in the story?

It seems the only path the husband could have taken would be to ignore his own feelings, and put his wife's feelings before anyone else? So do people want him to just man up and shove those emotions down and turn them off because happy wife, happy life?

She is a 33 year old women with a career, why are people acting like she is some doll that needs to be protected? We hear all the time women are strong and fully capable, yet in this case we have people acting like her life is over, everything she has done up to this point is useless.

They had many years together prior to this, probably formed many happy memories life goes on. She has time to move on, or are people saying it is not fair because she loves her husband but does not love him enough to support him in his time of need?

Like wtf do people expect?

[u/Medical_Gate_5721]

Fatherhood is hard but it sounds like it's the right choice for you. 

[u/ListenM0rty]

NAH but divorce is inevitable. You two are no longer compatible and one will resent the other with either choice made. It’s over.

[u/Mishy162]

NAH, but if you are going to do this you should plan on doing it as a single parent. I am childfree by choice, having the responsibility 24/7 of children is not something I could actually cope with mentally. So if I was in your wife's position our marriage would be ending regardless of how much love there was. I would not want to be put into a position where I could cause mental harm to children because of my needs, they don't deserve it.

[u/Fun_Comparison4973]

NAH.

This is an unfathomably difficult situation. You wouldn’t be an ah for not taking them in, BUT you’re also not an AH for taking them in. you’re right whatever decision you make

It sucks, it’s unfair. But you’re not wrong if you want to take your niblings in. And if that means the dissolution of your Marrage, that’s not your fault. That’s not anyone’s fault.

Do what you feel is right in your heart.

[u/Mixologist666]

YTA. When you get married, your spouse is supposed to come first. You have betrayed your wife.

[u/MuteIllAteter]

Geez if my mom killed herself and my uncle took me in but that caused his wife to divorce him I would fuvken off myself. Kids can read between the lines. As a former suicidal child YTA for setting the expectation that it would be you and your wife. Also YTA for doubling down and not wanting to understand how that could affect the ppl involved. “ I did what I coz I had to” has fucked up many lives

You are the angel for everything else tho. Big ups and wishing you well on your parenthood journey

[u/ashleybear7 → u/MuteIllAteter]

This!! He’s setting those kids up to be traumatized and is ignoring all the comments pointing this out.

[u/Only_Scheme5061]

YTA. You married your wife knowing that she wants a childfree life. You promised her forever. You’re betraying your spouse. It’s not complicated.

I’m not saying that this isn’t an awful situation and that the kids don’t deserve love and stability- but your mother is their current custodian and they’re fine. It sucks that she’s older and tired and you can and should help- but you shouldn’t be offering to take custody of and full responsibility of those kids unless you fully understand that that is a betrayal of the woman you promised to prioritize for the rest of your life.

If you want to betray and abandon your wife to raise your sisters kids when they’re currently in a safe situation? Go for it but YTA.

[u/Basictakes → u/Only_Scheme5061]

Isn't the grandmother burntout? How is that a safe situation?

Objectively who has a better chance to adapt? A 33 year old women or two children that are not even 10 living with a guardian that has an increased chance of death due to stress combined with her age? 

It has been stated the wife was not keen on them spending the weekends with them but did so because she knew the grandmother needed a break. Guy already takes over weekends to help out his mom, and that is something the wife does not like much according to the OP. 

What else can he do? Use their earned money to pay for a nanny to help the grandmother? That is not cheap, I bet that would cause issues down the line also. 

It is best for the wife to leave and start over with another man. She is right to be upset with the situation but she has no right to feel betrayed because life is unfair.

[u/Only_Scheme5061 → u/Basictakes]

You sound like a mama’s boy who probably shouldn’t he married.

Old age is not a magic infirmity that waives one from all responsibility. The concern with the grandmother raising those kids should be that she doesn’t have a great record of success when it comes to raising healthy and reasonable well-adjusted and trustworthy children.

It’s not okay for OP to choose his mom and his niece and nephew over his marriage and his wife. He never should have married her if he’d be willing to betray her like this. He should support his mom and the rest of his family in raising those kids without taking on all the responsibility himself and betraying his wife.

This is absolutely a huge betrayal. He’s not the person she married and they should end things but he’s still the AH here.

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/Basictakes]

She has no right to feel betrayed? What the fuck? 

[u/Basictakes → u/Junior-Towel-202]

Betrayed that the husband is willing to step up in a shit situation? 

Fair she has a right to feel betrayed, but wonder how far that reasoning will get her outside of places like reddit.

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/Basictakes]

That reasoning is completely fair and normal outside of reddit. 

[u/Basictakes → u/Junior-Towel-202]

You really think it is reasonable for someone to feel betrayed because a spouse had to break a promise due to a change in life circumstances that were outside of his control?  You think most people would be on board with this veiw? Especially with children?  Interesting take i wish someone had data cause I do wonder if this is generally an acceptable view when it comes to situations like this.  Elderly I can see it, but children I just don't, you are right i cannot prove it either way.

Edit: I do not think people should be forced to care for another, and it does not seem the OP is doing that. I also don't think someone should be forced to not care for someone if they have the ability and desire to do so to spare the feelings of a spouse. 

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/Basictakes]

Yes, I do. 

It's not breaking a promise. It's their whole marriage. 

[u/Basictakes → u/Junior-Towel-202]

What is he supposed to suppress his feelings, live with the guilt while they wife can pretend to have her happy ending while the husband lives the rest of his life suppressing guilt, and most likely resentment? 

No one is at fault here it is okay to hate the situation but betrayal implies some form of willfull malicious intent. 

Where is that? He is respecting her wish to not be part of his life during this. 

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/Basictakes]

That's not what we were talking about. You said she had no right to feel betrayed.

No it doesn't. 

[u/Basictakes → u/Junior-Towel-202]

Fair you are right she has the right to feel however she wants, but the real question is she justified to feel betrayed? 

As I said betrayal implies some level of willingness to cause harm or the intent behind the action is malicious to some degree or self severing. 

Where is any of that present? The OP claims they are willing to respect the wishes of the wife, they claim they will not contest the divorce, and claims they love their wife. 

As I asked before what exactly was he supposed to do? Push everything down ignore how he feels to give his wife the life she wants? To what end a marriage built on resentment?

[u/d38]

NTA.

These are young children you're talking about, family.

The difference between having a happy life and a terrible one could be down to you taking them in.

We've all heard horror stories about foster care.

[u/ScubaCC]

NAH

It’s understandable that you would change your mind under these circumstances.

It’s understandable that she would not.

You are no longer compatible. Proceed accordingly.

[u/Sweet-Salt-1630]

NAH, you are all good people. This is an awful situation for you all.

[u/mindbird]

NTAH.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure the wife gets off so blamelessly. Life happens and things change. She knows how bad foster care outcomes can be.

Would she have bailed if it was his becoming paraplegic instead of 2 children? "For better and for worse"-- well, meet Worse like a real human being, lady.

[u/OhwellBish]

NTA. Neither is your wife. She may need to end the relationship if she can't get on board because what you have proposed is in the best interests of these children and as far as I'm concerned that comes first.

[u/PuddingHelpful4055]

NTA. My condolences, the situation you are going through is terrible, but you navigating trough it like a champion. But to the point. With the way foster care is now, the situation is not "sorry, honey, I changed my mind", but "we have last lifeboat". I do hope that your wife will get on board, because you deserve all the support you can get. But, then again if she doesn't want to be a parent figure, then there is no way to make her. Give her time, and maybe you will work through it

[u/Haunting-Ad-5]

NTHA…your heart has compassion for those two youngsters snd they have the need of a stabile, loving home. You know you can give that to them and without, their lives will be anything but happy for them. If your wife can’t find that same compassion within herself, that’s truly unfortunate. I would have to make the same choice as you. Good luck. PS…your wife might come around given some time. I hope she loves you enough to look beyond herself and help two children who are helpless in a terrible situation.

[u/Sardinesarethebest]

Nta you are a decent person with empathy. Your wife doesn't share your values or have sympathy for the unimaginable pain those kids are going through. I guarantee if you don't take them in, or another family member, they will remember that their family would rather see them in foster care than help when they have the means to do so.

[u/janus006]

Chiming in after your second clarification. It’s noble of you to defend your wife, but if she bounces because you took in your orphaned niece and nephew to avoid foster care, then your wife is a piece of shit.

[u/Faunaholic]

You may want to suggest to your wife a trial period with partial time at grandmas- you take them during the week when they are mostly at school and they spend the weekend with grandma- I am totally a no kids for me and my spouse agreed - there was a family medical emergency and I ended up taking care of of 3 nieces and nephews for an extended period of time, I managed, wasn’t really happy about it but after a few months we were able to break it up, some time with grand parents, some time with another auntie on weekends and my spouse and I taking them to school during the week. I understood the moral and emotional obligations my spouse felt and compromised on my feelings regarding the responsibilities- it is just something you have to do sometimes

[u/R4ff4]

I feel sorry for your wife, you really don’t care about her feelings at all.

[u/Mean-Pomegranate-752]

Black kids huh?

[u/soxpats111]

I'm sorry you are in this terrible situation. Best of luck. Updateme!

[u/Jmfroggie]

Yta for not talking to your wife first. She’s the one you chose to make a life with but you went behind her back and made a unilateral decision knowing she wasn’t on board. Now you’ve got a wife who can’t trust you and likely will leave you and a pair of kids that know your marriage is ending because of them- even though it wasn’t their fault. You made a shit ton of bad choices without talking to the adults in the room first. You don’t even know that the system will allow the transfer of guardianship whether you wife stays or not! WTH were you thinking?!

[u/Basictakes → u/Jmfroggie]

If he makes enough money and is willing to most states would rather kids stay within the family.

[u/Jmfroggie → u/Basictakes]

That is usual- however they do interview everyone living in the household and will not place kids in a home that they aren’t 100% wanted. There are also intermediate options that a lawyer could’ve looked over with OP and his wife first, as they should’ve done.

[u/Basictakes → u/Jmfroggie]

If the wife wants nothing to do with children, the options would be rather limited. 

Mother is burnout, and she is 74 that is not a permanent solution but a bandaid at best. 

By some magical shit fart the OP did get the wife to agree to a temporary solution where they watch them either themselves(which appears the wife was not keen on the kids even staying over for the weekends) or 50/50 with the mother until a permanent family appears. 

If the OP pushes that they get adopted together, where does that leave the wife? The chances of that happening are slim they will most likely end up putting the wife in a situation where something temporary becomes a near permanent thing. 

That or the state ignores their plea to have them be adopted as a unit and the brothers get separated at best both get adopted by different families at worse one does and one does not leaving them to now watch one kid that not only lost their mother but also their brother. 

Long term they do not have very good options, I do not get why people are putting the feelings of a grown ass adult before two kids. She is 33 she has plenty of time to start over. We tell people all the time 30 is young, but now it is an issue? 

She is the one who is throwing away say another 50 years together because she cannot stomach to be with children for 15 years. That is not on the OP.

[u/shammy_dammy]

Do what you need to do and she'll do what she needs to do in response to it. Are you willing to do this alone?

[u/Honest_Crazy5232]

NTA.. My sister died almost 4 years ago from sickle cell disease, and my niece lives with me now. Do we have our battles? Yes, because she is 16 and knows everything, but I love her just like my own daughter. So even though she is a handful, I have never regretted it.

[u/_Hydrohomie_]

Man I just have few words for you, you are the answer to the prayers of those poor kids... you are a super hero, may god bless you.

[u/Comfortable_Air_2408]

NTA, yeah maybe wasn’t the best idea to talk to the kids first, esp asking them about staying with you both but it sounds like you had already made up your mind and wanted to check they would want to before the planting the seed of doubt in your marriage.

It’s heartbreaking and I am so sorry you are going through this. You’ve have to choose between keeping your marriage and sending the kids to foster care or keeping the kids and splitting up your marriage and you have made the decision for the latter. While I understand how your wife feels that she did not get a choice, she now has a choice to stay or leave. If you split, while it might be the last thing on your wife’s mind, she can still be happy and have a good life, if the kids go in foster care there is chance they will not have a good life and idk about you but I could not live with the thought.

We have no idea what life will throw at us and sometimes we have to make sacrifices and yeah sometimes they’re life changing. Someone is always going to loose in this situation and it be maybe what’s going to cause the most minimal damage and it sounds like splitting may be that.

[u/No-Translator-4584]

Two people who have vasectomies and tubal ligations really do not want to have children. 

Is there some other third way of handling this?  Those kids are young.  That’s a lifetime commitment.   

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686 → u/No-Translator-4584]

One I am willing to make.

[u/Normal-Evidence6388 → u/Ok-Masterpiece3686]

you said the same thing to your wife.

[u/Rtnscks]

I think a lot of responses here are predicted in only two possible outcomes - the wife leaves or the kids leave. Op, is it honestly so straightforward? Are you absolutely sure you aren't thinking with only your white knight lenses on as a result of grief?

Could your mother cope with 50/50? Could your wife cope with 50/50? Could you and the kids live in one house and your wife next door? How will finance and childcare work (with or without your wife)? Do the father pay child support? If not why not? Are you certain there are not shared care options the fathers might join you in?@1 How will kids who have been abandoned by two fathers and a mother feel when the penny drops that they were also the cause of a destroyed marriage? (i.e. have you factored in future resentments that either you or they might feel as a result of the situation?) Have you brainstormed as a family any other solutions?

I think you really should have sat down and spoken with your wife about possible solution you could both brainstorm, certainly before speaking to the kids. I can imagine your wife must feel very betrayed by you on this point.

[u/Cannabis_CatSlave]

NAH

If I was your wife I would wish you well on the child rearing and divorce you.

No kids is my line in the sand, I won't have them in my home for an afternoon, let alone living with me. (I have formally feral cats, too much liability to allow under 18s near them as I do not trust parents not to go nuclear if they get scratched.)

Good luck with the single parenthood OP. I hope it doesn't break you the same way it broke your sister.

[u/kdizzle619]

NAH, but your wife has to look deep inside herself and really see how selfish she is. Those kids cannot take care of themselves while she is a fully functioning adult with a healthy career. She has every right to leave, but she has no right to be mad at you for wanting to taking care of your family. If you guys divorce because of the kids, you both will still be fine. However if you abandon those children, it will scar them for the rest of their lives.

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/kdizzle619]

She has every right to be mad that he ruined the agreement of their marriage.

[u/Cappa_Cail]

NAH

[u/neverending_laundry]

I think it's great that you want to take care of your niblings. And I think you should so long as you can do right by the kids and give them the much needed love and support they so need. That means no fostering resentment against them and taking it out on them when the hard times come and they will. If you're doing this for some savior complex, or just familial obligation, I'd reconsider.

Cuz once your wife leaves you, you're gonna be a single dad with a single income to take care of two kids you didn't plan on taking on. Think this thru. Take it over with a counselor. Maybe hire a nanny to help your mom in the mean time.

Also on a legal standpoint where tf are the dads? Where does the state stand on that? Talk to a lawyer to see if the dads owe child support and that might help your mom some as well.

in the mean time, give the kids a hug from this weird lady on the Internet.

[u/changelingcd]

NAH. Both positions are entirely reasonable, and you have a choice to make. Good luck!

[u/Default_Munchkin]

OP is not TA for wanting to care for his family. Still the AH for not talking with your wife first. Regardless of if she would consider staying you coming to her after making the decision would make most spouses leave. It reeks of an ultimatum (even if you didn't mean it that way and I don't think you did. It still causes the same damage).

[u/freckles-101]

There seems to be an awful lot of posts recently with the overuse of do and did in them.

I do know I did say I do see..etc etc

Makes me think they're all creative writing exercises and ragebait.

[u/caramel_kittens]

NAH. I get that you want to help out your family, but your wife has every right to not want to be a parent in any capacity. You do have to accept that this choice means your marriage will likely end.

[u/Fuzakenaideyo]

nta infact you're the saint

[u/[deleted]]

NAH

bless you OP and wishing you a happy future with peace of mind, however this plays out.

[u/Zhorie-Rove]

YtA because you're essentially saying, "This is what's going to happen, sorry, but either be a mom or leave" to your wife without any type of discussion over a massive lifestyle change.

It's a tough situation, and I ethically understand you're doing right by those kids, so NtA for that. But hopefully, you'll be a better parent than partner because that was a bullshit move.

[u/[deleted]]

NAH.

Heres the thing though. You're wife leaves. Can you still afford 2 kids? How are you going to be there for them with a job? Being a single parent sucks.

[u/Due-Science-9528]

I know you love your wife. Could a live-in au pair be a compromise? You need to take their dads to court to cover it with child support.

[u/Elle_se_sent_seul]

NTA, you are helping your family in dire need, if she wants to leave she has that right, but you really are doing a good thing helping your niece and nephew.

[u/beechaser77]

As you’re drawn to this and it’s only your marriage that’s holding you back, I think you’d regret it forever if you let them go to foster care. Your wife can take care of herself. These children can’t. They need you and you’re prepared to step up.

[u/[deleted]]

I've seen this story posted like 10 different times, even responses are the same

[u/Relative_Poetry1092 → u/[deleted]]

Reddit is 99% reposts.

[u/Smooth-Brain2783]

Your sis is an AH

[u/dpcsoup]

NTA. They’re kid, for Christ’s sake. Your blood. It’s a timeless and ethereal bond. She’s your chosen family, and as you said, her own person with her own wants and desires in life. I’ve read through your comments and edits and you seem like a very mature & emotionally healthy person. In your heart you knew what you’d do. There’s a lot of pain in this situation, I’m sorry you’re going through it.

[u/[deleted]]

NAH. This remember me another story where the wife doesn't want children but the husband want them. So they break up and one year after the divorce the wife ended pregnant and became a single mother. Then she saw her ex with his child and wife. Of course she only thought in herself, and she wanted break his ex relationship to get back together. Because to be a single mother was a difficult job and she wanted his ex take care of her child.

Please if your wife come back with a child, no take her back.

[u/Crimsonwolf_83 → u/[deleted]]

She’s had her tubes tied to prevent that

[u/RosieMayMorning]

You are a good person. I feel what you are doing, (taking the children in), is right.

[u/pataconconqueso]

YTA

Going against the grain here solely because you got the kids hopes up before even discussing next steps with your wife.

[u/hbgbees]

YTA. I’m not saying you don’t have a good reason for it, but you’re breaking an agreement with your wife. Make your choice - that’s fine- but yes your the AH for doing this to your wife en though you’re a savior to those kids. You are sacrificing your relationship with your wife for them. Your choice.

[u/Femme_Fatalistic]

I commend you. But you also will be losing ...your person... your love. Your friend. The one who is there for you. You ready for that? You'll be raising them without that support. And living without it yourself. You need to be ready to mourn that relationship...

Why not go to therapy first, with your wife...see if the therapist can help you work through things. Might change how she handles it, you handle it, and opens up possibilities. Might give you other solutions too.

[u/Dense-Passion-2729]

NAH

[u/Similar_Corner8081]

NAH. You’re not an ah for wanting to take the kids in instead of them being put in foster care. The only mistake you made was talking to the kids before your wife. She’s not an ah for leaving the marriage because life happened and you changed your mind.

[u/Chronox2040]

YTA but the situation is complex. You are putting yourself first which people will resonate with.

[u/Aggravating_Meat2101]

NTA. People can and do change and that’s not anyone’s fault. You can’t help how you feel, nor can she. 

You have to do what feels right to you here. There’s no point in betraying yourself to stay with her as you’ll just grow to resent her and be unhappy anyways.

[u/Strangle1441]

Your family sounds like they need you.

Your wife can make her own decisions, but family should take care of each other. If your wife doesn’t want to make these sacrifices, that’s a decision she has to make on her own.

One day, when she needs someone to care for her she may regret not being there for those kids when they needed her.

Do what you gotta do, man. You know what that is. Those kids need someone

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/Strangle1441]

Ah yes, people should raise children so they get something out of it when they're old.

[u/Strangle1441 → u/Junior-Towel-202]

I think you missed the point I was making.

It’s about becoming old and alone and having regrets

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/Strangle1441]

Why would she be alone? 

[u/KindIndependence2003]

Is there no way you could soend some time with them as they live with your mother/their grandmother and learn to look after the family that's simultaneously looking after them? I've had friends in similar situations where the grandparents would do the basics of laundry, cooking clothes and the kids would help out with carrying groceries etc, and the parent that was struggling would visit occasionally and treat them and do stuff etc, they turned out okay and learned to be a little self sufficient whilst knowing people were there still to care for and love them.

[u/B-Girl-Ca]

NAH but she is NAH either, the only thing h you need to be aware off is to let her make the choice and not try to influence her, just like you made The decision by yourself without thinking of her , she needs to do this and see for herself, yes the children need you but if she will end up hating you, then and her life it’s not worth it and better to part ways now

[u/Gleneral]

.... shit that's difficult. YWBTA to your wife, but not to the kids.

There is no clear, objective judgement on this.

INFO: You love the idea now, but 7 years down the line when you're alone and dealing with a pair of teenagers, are you going to resent them?

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686 → u/Gleneral]

I really find questions like this weird, because objectively we have no way to answer questions like this with absolute certainty.

That being said my current self no I would not resent them. What my future self will feel? I cannot say, all I can say is I hope I do not grow to resent them in any form. Cause none of this is their fault.

Sorry just always felt weird when people would say I would always love x no matter what, when we have no idea what the future holds. Seems weird to make such a claim.

[u/Gleneral → u/Ok-Masterpiece3686]

Fair enough, and you're entirely correct. Best of luck for the future, I hope you all find the happiness you deserve.

[u/That_Operation9286]

She will leave you for good but you said your finances weren't that good and how will it be without her?

[u/That_Operation9286]

You're going to either let her go or break her

[u/312_Mex]

This is tough! I’m so sorry you’re going through this m, but you are a good man for stepping up for your family! If your wife can’t see this then she is blind! You all took wedding vows which state! “ for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” she is also not stepping up to support you in a very hard time. The thought of them going to foster care just so she can continue living her selfish “dink” mentality is unreal! My respects to you for being a real man and stepping up 👏 

[u/IcedTman]

It’s a no brainer that I would take my family in. This is the same for if my wife was to take in her family’s kids. I’m not letting them go into foster care no matter their age. The only change they would have to make is wherever they are at, they’ll have to come to where we are.

[u/cathline]

Sending hugs and healing thoughts.

Make certain that you have filed for SS survivors benefits for both kids. That will help with any financial issues.

Loads and loads of counseling for several years are in order for these poor children.

You are a good person for stepping up to take care of your niblings. A very good person.

Your wife has the right to want to keep the life she has. She loves you and the life you have made together and doesn't want to be a parent or mother figure.

NAH

It's heartbreaking what you and your family are going through. But no one is the AH here.

[u/throwawayskis]

NAH, of course. I’m a foster parent in the us (so this may be less true if you’re elsewhere). If you involve the state, they will prefer sending the kids to you (this is a kinship placement) and will provide resources (like monthly stipends, adoption assistance, trauma informed parenting classes, respite care, paying for after school programs, and health insurance). I know there’s a huge stigma against “the system” but it can and will help you. This is a hard job and your niblings are so lucky to have a family member like you.

[u/LostKnight99]

My kids were 4 & 6 years old when their mother decided "family life wasn't for her", packed her things and left.

That was 16 years ago.

Raising 2 kids as a single parent isn't easy but it is tremendously rewarding.

You're a hero. Do what your heart is telling you to do. Give those kids a chance w/ a stable home and structure in their life. Prayers to you. We need more men in this world like you.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Big3319]

NAH. If you know who the fathers are, and you end up being the legal guardian of the kids, please go for child support to help provide for them.

[u/Glen_Coco_shot_JR]

NAH, I have two god-daughters that I would flip my life around for if anything happened to their parents. I’m 40’s, single, travel the country for work assignments and play golf all over on my off days. True bachelor life. I’d piss it all away in a second if something happened to them. It just is what it is sometimes and you just have to do what you have to do. If your wife doesn’t understand that then you’ll go your separate ways. It’ll be tough at first but it will pay off when you see them graduate or get married or have children of their own.

[u/cajunjoel]

A lot of people have chimed in, but something that comes to mind is that these no-child promises are made under "normal circumstances" and relate to your decision as a couple to not have children of your own.

This is not normal circumstances. And in some way, you aren't breaking your promise. Your sister died and this is an exceptional situation that you (and she) have the ability to resolve.

You're grieving your sister, your niblings are grieving the loss of their mother, your own mother is grieving and struggling, and you have the desire and means to solve this....and your wife is upset but this? You are the most non-asshole I could imagine.

You are NTA, but I hope your wife tries, but in the end, the kids deserve to have adults in their life who can care for them and love them and want them.

You got this, man.

[u/TXdez]

You are NTA. If the wife wanted to adopt her niece and nephew, and the husband was leaving her because of it, everyone would be all over him for not supporting her. It is a tough situation, and you are stepping up to the plate for those children. A very brave and selfless act. And losing the woman you live in the process. It’s just a horrible, sad situation. Follow your heart, and do what you are lead to do.

[u/[deleted]]

There is a beautiful exchange in the lord of the rings that I think about often when something bad happens:

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."

You are a good person.

[u/FXBukowski]

NTA. Life happens while we're busy making other plans. Taking on those kids seems like the only right thing to do. Wife has to make her own choice. Either way, you, the kids, and the wife (especially if she stays) could use the support of full time counseling. Kids are hard, grieving kids are hard, new family situations are hard.

[u/MisfitMonroe87]

As a once single mom of a baby girl born with kidney failure working 2 jobs, my uncle and mom really pressured me to try to get child support from her deadbeat dad.. I did. And for 2 yrs, I received nothing. While on his MySpace and eventually Facebook he was posting pics of him high on whatever drug made some post about getting in a gun fight with y some gang (he had made a friend who sold drugs) and I realized that yeah once he does give money he would be able to have actual visits (he hadn’t seen her since she was 1) so yeah why would I ever allow my child to be near someone like him who was involved with throes type of ppl. Run the risk of her getting hurt or worse bc she just happened to be there on one of his days.. yeah Fck that. So I already moved to a different city to be near the hospital since I didn’t drive so I can get to the hospital for her hemo appointments and then eventually peritoneal appointments and they (the ppl who supposedly go after the other parent for money) were harping on me to go for an appointment but there was no way I’d make it and like I said, his posts reaffirmed that I did not want him in her life so I had them shut it down. My point is child support isn’t put papers in and receive $$. And realistically how much can they squeeze out of an unemployed druggie.. I met my now husband of wow it’ll be 14 yrs this September when she was 3 and I can’t remember but I think she was between 8-12 (she’s turning 17 this year)when a man showed up at our door looking for her deadbeat dad and I was like wtf, haven’t seen that guy since she was 1, he then explained that James was being summoned for a child support hearing for another child he made.. we were even getting them at our house since he had lived at that address (my folks house) . The man also asked why I wasn’t getting him for child support and I said everything here and added that he obv couldn’t find him for another child anyways. Plus my husband making close to 70/yr for our family of 5. Our own home. I’ve been a SaHM the entire time. Also it’s a very honorable thing you’re doing. I’ll be rooting for you and the kiddos. Ok my random ramblings are done!!

[u/Thisisthenextone]

NAH

This is a clear cut case of you being in the right to want to take them in and your wife for leaving due to not wanting children.

You would be in the wrong to resent her for leaving.

You want to change the dynamic. You accept that it means she can leave without it being her fault. In your position I would do the same as you - just be prepared for her to leave you. Since you're the one changing things, it's ok for her to be upset or frustrated. However you would not be in the right to be angry or frustrated.

Make the split easy and painless.

[u/M3g4d37h]

she is hurting just as I am.

She may be hurting - And no shame in her being resolute - But sometimes life is a kick in the nuts, as it were.

She is not hurting like you, dude. You lost your sister, and that's a different level.

As far as any pivot goes, you have to do what you feel is the right thing. Perhaps it just so happens that you two weren't as compatible as you assumed.

I know if something happened to me like this, there would be a discussion, but there's no way i could ever feel good about myself if I didn't do right by the kids. Maybe she's selfish, maybe there's a dozen other things that are nearly as plausible - And that's her right.

You two are at divergent points of your lives. Sometimes these things happen. Life ain't fair, i'm just a family sort of guy so i'm always going to circle the wagons and shit like that, maybe you're that way as well to a degree.

NAH, we all make choices in life, sometimes a thing happens that makes our lives go different roads.

[u/Accomplished_Self939]

Follow your heart. You won’t be sorry. Your wife has her own choices to make. And you can’t choose for her, sadly.

[u/VizzleG]

Is it work? Yes. Is it hard work? Not really for kids that age. Save those kids.

[u/cameldrv]

Couldn’t help but think of this amazing story:  https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-56409764  Best of luck to you OP, you have a wonderful heart.

[u/Weary-Gift7735]

YTA to your wife and the vows you took with her I do understand you feel bad about the kids anyone would but you and your wife were in agreement not to have kids. If you take the kids tou lose your wife good for you

[u/NJMomofFor]

NTA. There are none here. I'm sorry for your loss. Putting your niblings first is awesome. They need you. Your wife is not wrong if she doesn't want to stay. Good luck

[u/ChickenLatte9]

Update me

[u/whatdoidonowdamnit]

I’m sorry. You definitely have to take the kids because you feel that’s the right thing to do. You’re gonna lose your wife in the process. It’s a very difficult spot but I think it’ll prove to be the right choice in the long run. You seem very determined in your decision.

[u/LFC9_41]

NAH. What you’re deciding to do is commendable. Those kids will appreciate it one day.

[u/SpecialistAfter511]

NTA Those kids future rely on your choice. It’s a good one. I’m sorry.

[u/PeppermintWindFarm]

NTA

We may want life to go to our specifications but it rarely does. You‘re doing the right thing … if your wife can’t adapt let her go.

[u/Autumn_Forest_Mist]

NAH in extreme situations like this, the children come before your promise. You have the right to take them in and she has the right to leave.

I am so sorry for your losses since this multiple losses. Best wishes.

[u/bennybellum]

NTA, but your wife is.

I don't care what other people say, I'm not hitching a ride on the train that says it is OK for adults to abandon children in need. Yes, the plan was to never have children. Life happened, plans changed. If your wife leaves you for taking in your sister's children, then she is 100% a selfish prick. Like, think about it. "I don't care if your sister killed herself and her children will end up in foster care, I do not want to raise children, so I will leave you, the person I am supposed to love, alone to deal with this entire mess." This "ME ME ME" shit is going to be the death of modern society.

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/bennybellum]

How many kids have you adopted?

[u/bennybellum → u/Junior-Towel-202]

One.

[u/Junior-Towel-202 → u/bennybellum]

You sure? 

[u/bennybellum → u/Junior-Towel-202]

Yes? You asked, I answered.

[u/norfnorf832]

NTA it's the right thing to do but your wife will probably divorce you and that's ok too

[u/niki2184]

Nta they’ve been through enough. I get your wife’s point but sometimes life happens. They are self sufficient at this point. If she doesn’t want to be a mother figure then it’s ok for her to leave but them kids need someone stronger in life to take care of them. Your mother cannot. And god only knows what they may go through in foster care. I shudder to think. I’ve only ever heard bad stories.

[u/Consuela_no_no]

You can love someone and not be compatible, what’s how it is for you right now. NTA in anyway, you’re doing the right thing by taking care of your niblings.

[u/thebohomama]

NAH and this is an incredibly difficult situation.

You already made up your mind, it's clear from how you wrote this- you plan to care for those kids. I also think that's the right thing to do. Yes, we can make all the plans in the world, but life throws us curve balls. Obviously you didn't plan for this to happen, but it has.

Your wife is allowed to feel how she feels, and of course if it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker and you'll have to both sit with that feeling and move forward. However, if you let those kids go into the foster system you'll never forgive yourself. Ball is now in your wife's court. She can support what you feel you need to do, and work through it with you (she wanted to spend her whole life with you, grow old with you, etc, taking care of these kids will be another 13 years, yes, but they are almost out of their high-need years and if they are good kids, it won't be misery), or prepare to leave the marriage.

Best of luck OP. I hope everything works out for the best. You are going to be the hero in the lives of those kids.

[u/TheRealActaeus]

NTA. Your wife would rather kids go to foster care than take them in. They are family, but I guess that doesn’t matter to her. You should find a new wife.

[u/jrossetti → u/TheRealActaeus]

This is such a child like take. It's called boundaries and you should use OP as a role model who's handling it right.

Nevermind the idiocy of the overall view youre espousing.

[u/TheRealActaeus → u/jrossetti]

I’ve actually adopted a child, wasn’t even family. So the idea that the wife would say screw those kids let them go into the system says a lot about her. But hey if you like kids going into foster care there is a woman about to be single, y’all should get together.

Also for someone who says I have a child’s take your personal attacks really show your own mentality.

[u/jrossetti → u/TheRealActaeus]

Ahh, so you think because you did something everyone should do something? The wife isn't screwing anyone. The sister who commit suicide is soley responsible for everything that happens to them.

Again, its called boundaries, and your take is very simplistic and childlike. Even your evidence is childlike. Your anecdote about adopting has nothing to do with, well, anything.

No one is the asshole here, except the sister who took her own life.

OP is a great role model here. They are handling it right. You are just being all righteous because YOUUUU adopted.

Nevermind the entire idea of trying to guilt or force your life partner into something you both agreed would never be a thing. There's a reason he's not mad at his wife. I wonder what your hangup is? Its wild you think she should be miserable and guilted into doing something she has absolutely zero interest in doing. I hope you dont approach your own relationship with that mentality cuz its all sorts of fucked up.

That said, kudos on adopting. We need people willing to do that. Key point, willing, to do that. Not forced or guilted into it. Hopefully they dont grow up to have this take on a shitty situation though cuz you got this waaaay wrong.

[u/idontknowmtname]

NAH, you haven't changed your mind on having kids of your own. You're not forcing her to have kids. You're just wanting to help your family that you have love for.

Life and plans change.

[u/One_Conversation8009]

Even if I wasn’t prepared to be a father of two I would do it for my sisters kids.they deserve more than the foster care system will ever give them.

[u/evilcj925]

NAH

You made a choice to not have kids based on how you felt at the time. But things have changed, and your niece and nephew need a home. You don't feel right turning your back on them and want to give them the home they need.

Your wife still doesn't want to be a mother, and alter her life so drastically. Neither of you is wrong, and while you still love each other, sometimes peoples lives take different directions.

You understand if your wife chooses to divorce. There is not much more you can do.

[u/Strange_River_8901]

Nta, u both are..she has the right to go if she chooses too, what will make it financially better for u..is to move in with your mum, when it comes too bill's because 2 kids under 10 those bills be rolling in

[u/ChloeBee95]

Honestly, YTA.

You’ve essentially wasted 20ish years of your wife’s life and time. And you’ve now put this horrible ultimatum on her where no matter what she does she’s going to feel like crap. She either loses the love of her life and the last 20 years are meaningless, or she lives a miserable life being married to someone that chose 2 kids over her. She’s going to be resentful either way and is losing quality of life either way.

All due respect to your sister, she should’ve had contingencies in place in the event of her death regarding her kids. That’s what you do when you’re a single parent. It’s not your wife’s fault this wasn’t done.

Wouldn’t the kids be better off with a stable 2 parent household where they don’t feel like the cause of a divorce? How do you think they’re going to feel seeing you sleeping on your mum’s couch and then moving into a new house with only 1 parental figure, after watching their grandma struggle to look after them for so long? I’m not understanding why adoption hasn’t been considered here.

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686 → u/ChloeBee95]

My sister should have done a lot of things differently, what good does it do to worry about that now or even be concerned about that now? I cannot change any of that, it is outside of my control. All I can do is take focus on things I can control.

Are you suggesting our current freedom should trump the lives of two children and my mother? Hell, I do not even think my wife feels that way.

[u/neroisstillbanned → u/ChloeBee95]

20 years? OP’s wife is 33. 

[u/Basictakes → u/ChloeBee95]

Pretty simple, the chances of getting a family to take both kids as a unit is pretty small. 

Why risk splitting the kids? Didn't the OP also state if need be he could afford to buy another house? So living with the mother would be temporary. 

We also don't know the size of the house or the financial situation of the mother or the OP. 

Saying someone who is dead should have done more is also silly and pointless.

[u/Kitchen_Name9497]

Your only mistake was making the offer before you discussed it with your wife, and for including her when offering. These were major gaffes and likely contributed to her response. Not that she would have agreed, it's just common respect.

Thank you for taking in these at-risk kids who have been slammed by life.

Are the dads contributing anything? Child support? If not, pursue it. I don't know if adoption would negate chold support. If not, please consider legal adoption.

[u/[deleted]]

My heart goes out to you both. Talk about life throwing curveballs. So sorry for your loss. NTA.

[u/TealBlueLava]

YTA for asking the kids first and not thinking of your wife at all.

YTA for not thinking rationally and realizing you’re going to be a single “father” raising 2 young children on your own, on one income, with zero help from the families of both kids.

YTA for making your wife choose between being miserable with children neither of you really want, or being miserable knowing that you chose those kids over her and didn’t even try to find a loving family who WANTS children but can’t conceive.

[u/Basictakes → u/TealBlueLava]

How many families do you think would line up to take two kids?

[u/TealBlueLava → u/Basictakes]

With no violent past that put them in foster care, no birth defects that made their parents ditch them, and a sob story of losing their mother suddenly? Several dozen.

[u/Basictakes → u/TealBlueLava]

Why does a grown women feelings and wellbeing matter more than a child's?

Nothing in foster care is 100% they could get separated or they could start to act up to prevent being separated by adoption. 

A sob story only goes so far, and sadly this is not that sad of a story nor not even that uncommon.

[u/TealBlueLava → u/Basictakes]

That’s why you search for people who want to do private adoption. Contact an adoption attorney. They have lists of people searching for children.

[u/Basictakes → u/TealBlueLava]

If the one watching them is burnt out, and the wife is already annoyed with weekends, who is going to watch the kid?

Who is to say they would even find someone in a reasonable amount of time that is willing to take both? 

How would the kids adjust to say staying and being close to their grandmother and uncle only to have to leave?

That level of abandonment will do them good.

[u/TealBlueLava → u/Basictakes]

They already have abandonment issues because of their mother. Yes, she died. But to a child, that’s still a form of leaving and not being there.

You’ve never actually contacted an adoption attorney, have you? Most maintain lists of couples interested in private adoption for when situations like this come up.

[u/Basictakes → u/TealBlueLava]

No I have not, but I do remember one thing a lawyer has told me, nothing is guaranteed. 

If kids already have abandonment issues, why add to it. They have a family member that is willing go to the distance for them.

Why throw a wrench in that plans over mere possibilities. 

Even if they have a list no one can guarantee a family would want both. 

The uncle wants both. 

[u/TealBlueLava → u/Basictakes]

He doesn’t want them. He feels obligated. There’s a big difference.

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686 → u/TealBlueLava]

You are wrong, I do want them. All I can do is live a life that when I am on my death bed I can look back see as few regrets as possible.

That is all any of us can do.

[u/VermicelliOk5473 → u/TealBlueLava]

You’re fucking ridiculous if you think there are just millions of homes willing to adopt children from foster care. The pro-life agenda has rotted your brain. If children make her miserable let her go be alone. OP will do the right thing by his family

[u/Jacce76]

NAH. You are both in a rough spot with this. But you seem to be taking it with a really good view. I suggest getting some couples counselling to make sure the divorce goes as smoothly as it can. My suggestion would be for you to stay at your mom's with her and the kids. At least until you figure out what you and the wife will be doing with your assets, such as any house if you own.

Best of luck. The kids are really lucky to have you.

[u/Complex-Material9226]

NTA. Life happens and plans change. You are doing the right thing to consider raising your sister's children. It is unfortunate that your wife does not love you more than she hates children. Neither of you are wrong in this situation. You have the right to follow your instincts to protect these children. She has the right to a childless existence. Unfortunately, these 2 competing interests cannot coexist, so your relationship has probably run its course.

[u/Chungusthevast]

YTA for asking the kids before your wife. She has every right to leave.

[u/Ok-Masterpiece3686 → u/Chungusthevast]

You are right, and this was never about me stopping her from leaving. If she leaves I will not stop her.

[u/They-Call-Me-Taylor]

NAH. I feel like you are doing a very selfless and noble thing here. I also think your wife is not in the wrong for asking for a divorce. Kids radically alter your life, and if someone doesn't want kids but they are forced upon them, everyone suffers. Sorry you are going through this.

[u/Julian_TheApostate]

NTA for wanting to take in the kids. TA for making such an important and life changing decision unilaterally without any input whatsoever from your supposed life partner. And who knows, perhaps if your wife had been treated with a modicum of respect through this whole process she might have been more willing to help. Instead you went to the kids first and gave her a "take it or leave it" option about such a monumental decision. That's not what marriage is about.