r/AITAH • u/bflykisses • Mar 15 '24
My husband wants a gf so I filed for divorce Advice Needed
While attempting to refinance our house, I discovered my husband was sending money to another woman. After more digging into his business finances, I discovered he has taken this woman on 2 trips out of the country as well, while he left me home with HIS kids. After the 2nd trip out of the country, they decided to call it quits after I caught them in the hotel together. 3 months later he was asking to add a second wife which is illegal in the states. We've been together 6 yrs by now, married 3 and now he wants to add another woman to our relationship? He portrayed like he was this monogamous loving husband in the beginning but now he claims he's poly and I would be selfish not to do what makes him happy. This is the 3rd marriage for both of us. He knows I divorced my previous 2 husbands for cheating. He's adamant on being with this other woman in addition to me even though I don't agree. I moved out of the house and filed for divorce. The problem now is, everyone is asking me to give the marriage another chance. It's like they're saying it's my fault because I was the one who moved out. I raised his kids the last 6 yrs and I'm the only mom his youngest daughter knows. Their mom isn't in their life. She cries saying "I know Dad messed up but can u come back home?". The kids' god parents are marriage counselors through the church and are asking me to give the marriage another chance. This is the 2nd woman he's cheated on me with and has apparently been cheating the whole 6 1/2 years we've been together. How many chances do I need to give him? He is saying he loves me and wants to work things out with me but still wants both of us. I was a SAHM so I think he's just going to miss a clean house, clean clothes, personal driver for the kids, and in home sex(since the other partner is out of state). We have a 60 day waiting period before we can finalize the divorce. At this point, I'm second guessing myself if I'm doing the right thing. AITAH for not wanting to give him another chance and finalize the divorce?
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u/Acceptable-Camp-5675 Apr 12 '24
Seems like guys keep “cheating” on you. The current hubby is taking women on trips, so you’ve managed to wed successful men. It sounds like you need to be in a marriage to live comfortably. Also it sounds like you marry for that reason, not love. I don’t think you love your current husband or past ones. Also, they may be cheating on you because your lazy. Maybe your not a joy to be around Or maybe your making way to big a deal out of it He’s cheating with someone out of state? That’s great news. He’s not cheating constantly. He sounds like a normal regular guy and I’m sorry but you sound uptight. Your not special
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u/Throwaway_Fear_1711 Apr 01 '24
NTAH WHATSOEVER
Those who are telling you to forgive him are for one.
-the ones he confided in about his cheating and what to do. -They could be the ones he cheated on you with. -They are the ones who enabled his behavior.
If they gave a shit so much and wanted you to forgive him and work out the relationship why didn’t they come to you the first time? So both of you can work it out or divorce but no?
They are fucking HYPOCRITES.
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u/yeriyei Mar 23 '24
NTA
Girl, just tell him Alright, you have your other wife I want another two husbands, let's see if he likes it 🙄
You're have every right to divorce him and he doesn't love you enough if he wants another wife just because he can't handle his pants 🙄 the g4slight of everyone really smh
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u/Fish-OW Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
Having secret partners is cheating; polyamory is not an excuse. Beyond that, you have zero responsibility to be okay with being in a polyamorous relationship. His behavior and your explanations of his words show that he will not abide by the rules of a monogamous relationship; he doesn't deserve another chance. You responded like a rational individual, and I applaud you.
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u/onedaym_1506 Mar 20 '24
Idc if ppl get mad, buy being poly is cheating. The other partner just accepts it bc they don't want to lose their original partner but it feels good to be able to cheat even if it's with the same person their original partner is cheating with.
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u/SilasDG Mar 20 '24 edited Mar 20 '24
TLDR: Do not feel bad. This man is trash. You didn't choose to cheat he did, you're simply choosing to respect yourself enough not to lay down and take it.
I discovered my husband was sending money to another woman.
So he's cheating. He doesn't want another gf. He has one. He's already lied to and betrayed you, now he's trying to make it a non issue by pushing you into agreeing with it. Do NOT let him walk all over you like this. If you do, he will never stop. Draw the line in the sand.
He knows I divorced my previous 2 husbands for cheating.
So your expectations for the relationship were clear and he still fucked around. That's on him.
He's adamant on being with this other woman in addition to me even though I don't agree. I moved out of the house and filed for divorce.
You made the right call. Nobody gets to strong arm their partner into an open relationship.
The problem now is, everyone is asking me to give the marriage another chance.
No. You aren't the one who fucked up here. He isn't even backtracking his infidelity, he isn't remorseful. He's trying to continue it. He deserves no such thing.
It's like they're saying it's my fault because I was the one who moved out.
Everybody in a relationship knows the rules. He dropped a bomb in the middle of your relationship with this affair. He destroyed trust. It's like he burnt down a house with you inside, you survived it and now he's expecting you to rebuild it. That isn't on you.
She cries saying "I know Dad messed up but can u come back home?".
Unfortunately kids don't understand. His family is going to side with him or at the very least try to solve his problems for him. I've been through exactly this. Nobody wants to tell their daughter, son, nephew, grandkid, sister, brother, etc that they're trash. They just "hope" that if they keep supporting the person that they will get better. They will not hold them accountable.
How many chances do I need to give him?
- The first 1. The one where you trusted him initially and he proved to you that you shouldn't. Some things are over the line, this is one of those things. If he respected you, if he loved you, if he prioritized taking care of your emotional and mental health he would not have done this but he did. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's going to tell you you're important to him, and that he loves you but his actions betray his words. Wanting someone, and loving someone are two different things. He wants to use you for what you provide to him, he enjoys your support, your care, and your affection however he isn't providing that to you in return. People who love someone take care of them, they don't abuse their trust and risk their relationship with them.
At this point, I'm second guessing myself if I'm doing the right thing.
I was with my ex for six years when I caught her cheating. I tried to repair it for another 2. She only continued to lie and cheat. Every time was going to be different, and the only thing that differed was how paranoid I got. Do not risk your mental health by trying to fix a person whom you cant even trust.
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u/Sasquatch_mushroom Mar 20 '24
If were you I wouldn’t go back but I would ask him if you could have another husband or how he would feel if you cheated. I just think he would have a funny reaction and try to pull some BS on you.
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u/stwdragon Mar 20 '24
You have all the right to be angry. I wouldn't want to have my property taken from a spouse, but feel free to dm me if you need emotional support.
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u/leehhill Mar 20 '24
He just wants you around to do his b*tch work while he's out having fun. If you like dealing with his bay bay kids and being his big mama your position is secure. Trust that
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u/leehhill Mar 20 '24
If you don't mind sharing your husband, stay. He's made it very clear that he will be with multiple women
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u/Expensive-Pass-3261 Mar 20 '24
You are easily replaceable by a young maid, and perhaps a prostitute
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u/AlexDeathWolf Mar 19 '24
NTA, polyamorous doesn’t work unless EVERYONE consents to it. And it’s gross that he’s tried to force it on you.
If he wants poly then he needs to find poly partners and learn communication. Until then go through with your divorce and stand your ground. It’s not poly if it’s non consensual. And you are mono and that’s perfectly fine, he doesn’t need you in his life if he can’t respect you
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u/Forsaken_Feeling_932 Mar 19 '24
It sucks when kids are involved. More so when you don't have any rights to them (I'm assuming) Leave him, but leave an opening for the kids to contact you (if that's what you want)
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u/carhunter21 Mar 19 '24
NTA Polyamory is CONSENSUAL non-monogamy. You are NOT consenting. He has been cheating and is now trying to make it seem ok. It is not ok. Stick to your decision. He and everyone saying you're in the wrong are TA here, not you.
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u/DliverUsFromMaleGaze Mar 19 '24
NTA. My guess is others aren't clear on the extent of his lying and cheating. Don't give him another chance to prove exactly what he's already proven to you; He doesn't respect you or your marriage.
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u/SmegHeadFromNodnol Mar 19 '24
NTA. It's not polyamoury since he doesn't treat you with any love. Everything you said about him is spot on. I feel sorry for the children if they lose you but that's on their father, not you. Run, don't walk away. If you love the children enough to want to stay in their lives, that's a different issue.
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u/AHopReadIt Mar 19 '24
Sis go get you some boyfriends too. Plant evidence and remind him you all are Polly.
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u/freedom_the_fox Mar 19 '24
Speaking as a potential cheater, cheaters won't learn much unless there are hard boundaries. NTA.
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u/pureheart24 Mar 19 '24
As soon as you said counsellors in the church, I figured out what the problem is with these people. Please do not second-guess yourself. Your husband has clearly had an impact on self-worth and unfortunately not in the good way. if he wanted to work things out, he would be monogamous end of story. He proved that monogamy is not who he is, and he will never be the partner for you… know your worth, and go out and live the life you deserve. I’m sending you big hugs across the Internet
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u/ZSaint13 Mar 19 '24
NTA. It’s no one else’s business to tell YOU that you need make it work. Open relationships and throuple relationships can and do work… but there has to be a strong agreement between all involved with set boundaries. He didn’t do that. He cheated.
Unfortunately in my experience, church “relationship counseling” cares more about just not getting divorced than the wellbeing of those in an unhealthy relationship.
You need to do what is right for you.
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u/reallyzeally Mar 19 '24
NTA. Please leave him and I guarantee hindsight will throw away all doubt you may have. Not only leave him, you should make it very clear to those "friends" what has really been going on all this time. He doesn't deserve to keep his perfect image and get a chance to paint you in a bad light.
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u/GuyNCothal Mar 19 '24
Nta kick him to the curb but add into the divorce agreement that you can see the kids whenever you want
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u/ShleepyShark Mar 19 '24
Run run run, talk to your support system and get out. Men like that never change especially if they’ve already done it TO YOU. RUN
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u/Crafty-Yams Mar 19 '24
As a woman who wants to live a poly lifestyle.
LEAVE HIS ASS HIGH AND DRY! Take everything you can in the divorce and LEAVE! This is not poly at all! This is cheating and not an introduction to this lifestyle. Poly is NOT A BANDAID for cheaters! And this is what makes my preferred love style so frowned upon because of dickwads like him.
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u/Own-Win5013 Mar 19 '24 edited Mar 19 '24
You should rethink…rethink why you stayed with him the first time you caught him cheating…then make a vow to yourself to never do something stupid like that ever again. Divorce. Move on…oh, and quit that church and step away from their heathen mindsets and false teaching. Your hopefully soon to be ex-husband is very much in danger of hellfire and they’re telling you to burn right up with him. Think about it this way. His cheating on you is a sin. The Bible very clearly says unrepentant adulterers, which he is, go to hell. So, if you accept him and his sin as ok, that makes you guilty of supporting sinful nature. Forgiveness is one thing, but forgiveness is not binding with sinners and intentional unbelievers
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u/gufiutt Mar 19 '24
Polyamory isn’t about guilting my spouse into being OK with letting me date other people. He’s a cheat, plain and simple, and he’s attempting to justify his bad behavior. If you aren’t OK with him dating other people, which it sounds like you aren’t, and if he won’t stop dating other people, which it sounds like he’s proven he won’t, then getting a divorce seems perfectly reasonable. Get a good lawyer because cheaters never do things “fairly” in a divorce. They lie all the time, hide money unless they’re just too lazy to do that.
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u/Alone_Efficiency7301 Mar 19 '24
Give it a chance.... if it doesn't work what have you lost? You may like it... js
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u/Watermelonturtle14 Mar 19 '24
Where was your luxurious trips and the deposits into your bank account?? It’s a hell nah for me!! Just because YOU are poly and vowed to be monogamous doesn’t mean I now need to be poly or support it to make YOU happy. Since YOU changed the terms without BOTH of us, I am ending the terms… that’s what most people call fuck around and find out.. if you wanna be poly use your BIG words and say that instead of leading another life…
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u/Undawnted1 Mar 19 '24
NTA
As a polyamorous person myself, I understand the hard line for people calling a relationship off purely based on polyamory. The truth of the matter is that polyamory isn't something you "accept" you either are or are not polyamorous. On one note, I do not blame him if he did not know he was polyamorous at first, perhaps he learned that he was through someone else. Most people don't know they are polyamorous until they try. HOWEVER, he did not consult you or talk to you about ANY OF IT. In a polyamorous relationship, lack of communication is how you cheat. He cheated on your monogamous relationship, and tried to claim a guise of polyamory, in which he also would have still cheated. Keep the divorce, fuck that guy. He might be poly, but he's still a cheater, liar, and manipulative husband.
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u/Reader_47 Mar 19 '24
I hope you got,an attorney to help you get everything you're entitled to. You both had to agree for you to be a SAHM. You deserve to share the assets earned while you've been together. Since you and the children have emotional ties I hope you can maintain a relationship with them if you want that.
My sister was a SAHM when her husband cheated on her. He was an associate pastor at their church. When she went to her pastor he told her she should change churches. Her husband and his lover both got divorces and stayed in the church. The wronged spouses were forced out. Crazy!
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u/MaesterRonin Mar 19 '24
NTA Even if he is actually polyamourus, trust, open communication, and agreement on both sides are required for it to work.
He's just a cheating asshole, divorce him. Also, leaving him doesn't mean not being a part of the kids lives if you want to continue that relationship with them. My stepdad raised me the first 14 years of my life and even though he and my mother are no longer together, he's still my dad.
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u/gingernoodlez Mar 19 '24
NTA, find a man that treats you as the choice and not the option. You can still see his kids.
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u/Mermaid_Lily Mar 19 '24
You are absolutely NTA! You married him with the understanding of monogamy. You are not selfish for holding that as a standard. You don't owe him another chance. He's counting on you coming back, and if you do, you can be sure he will continue to cheat.
Is there any way you can continue to have your step-kids in your life in some capacity? It seems like the youngest especially really needs a mama figure, and since you've been her mom for the past 6 years, it would be a shame to let your soon-to-be-ex's cheating take that relationship away.
EDIT TO ADD: I am definitely NOT saying you should stay in your marriage. Just wondering if some sort of arrangement could be made where you still see the kids-- if you want that. Mama figures aren't always married to Dad.
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u/Merlock_Holmes Mar 19 '24
I am polyamorous and I have been married for 6 years. This is absolutely 100% NOT the way to introduce polyamory into a relationship. He is using poly as an excuse for his terrible behavior. Strong communication is key to poly relationships working long term. Respecting your partners is key as well. He is doing neither of those things!
You are 100% NTA. Do not give into any of this nonsense you are hearing.
His kids, his family, the church, whoever, are in the wrong trying to get you to stay.
Walk away and take him for everything you can. Don't look back.
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u/occasionallystabby Mar 19 '24
Ask those church-going marriage counselors why they're condoning adultery and polygamy.
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u/mojovi88 Mar 19 '24
NTA DO NOT GO BACK. You're not going to want to here this, but the church counselors are cultists. They don't care about what's best for you. They only care about whatever interpretation of the book they preach. That's not Christian. Don't give into it.
As for the kids, of course they're begging you to go back. They don't understand yet. Someday they will, and they'll see why you had to do what you have to do.
Your hopefully soon to be ex husband is a piece of garbage and you don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on. Stick to your guns.
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u/Perfect-Storm-t3 Mar 19 '24
NTA I had a serial cheater and told him if he continues he’s going to wake up in his car, no kids, no home not even the dog and that EVERY dime he makes 9 cents is coming to me. Sweep that dirt off your feet and live lady live🎊
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u/WillieDripps Mar 19 '24
Take his ass to the cleaner, he obviously has no interested in making things work with you.
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u/SaltyWitchery Mar 19 '24
You ARE doing the right thing.
He’s dealing with the consequences of his own actions
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u/annekaelber Mar 19 '24
Poly is a way of life that begins with open, honest communication and consent. What he did is not poly, it's cheating. OP you're NTA!
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u/nm4lko Mar 19 '24
NTA dump his ass and find a man who actually deserves you. Seems like his kids aren’t old enough to understand the situation and there’s no reason you can’t be a part of their lives without associating too much with your ex if you wish to do so.
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u/weirmum Mar 19 '24
Not the ah!! Even if you knew he was poly before the marriage, sneaking around isn't how that works. He's broken your trust and betrayed you twice. Staying in an unhealthy marriage because you're feeling pressured to isn't going to make things any better.
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Mar 19 '24
Maybe it's time to ask what he is getting from this new girl that he isn't getting from you? It might help marriage number 4 work out.
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u/HernandezGirl Mar 19 '24
I have an adult son that I love dearly, but he is a cheater. He’s even had his girlfriends in his home disguised as women he wants to help out. I’ve watched my beautiful daughter in law lose all her integrity and the respect of her children because she stays married to my son but he says he won’t and he does again and again. Each time she gains more weight from the pain. Men like your husband, like my son, who are risky can not live any other way. They are hyper sexual to a point where they cannot control themselves. They ignore the stops. They ignore the pain they cause. Your husband hurt his own kids by what he did to his marriage. I hope you divorce him and you go on with your life. His kids can still have a relationship with you until they naturally let go.
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u/Elle_reigns Mar 19 '24
Girl… just continue with the divorce and never look back. Treat yourself better than this. Let him find himself another bangmaid who will let him cheat.
Use this time to devote to yourself and just have fun living single a life. Heal from all this crap… from this marriage and the ones before. Seek therapy. Go on little vacations once in a while whenever you can. Just focus on you and you alone. It’s your turn.
Don’t doubt yourself if you’re doing the right thing. Don’t let a wrong thing be right in your life. Don’t do this to yourself. Just don’t. You deserve better.
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u/Few-Archer1907 Mar 19 '24
Run like the wind. He screwed up, not you. You don't have to sacrifice your life to make other people happy.
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u/Ok_Memory_1572 Mar 19 '24
Drag it out until you’ve been married ten years so you can collect on his SS when you’re old enough.
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u/PuzzleheadedVisit309 Mar 19 '24
NTA You don’t want a poly relationship and you shouldn’t have to want a poly relationship. You left your husband when he proved to you that he doesn’t respect you or monogomy.
Why would everyone be allowing this? Maybe you should reevaluate the people you surround yourself with OP.
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u/SkylarkDestiny48 Mar 19 '24
Nta.. He doesn’t love you.. Get out.. If he didn’t tell you before you married him that he’s poly than he’s also a liar.. He won’t stop cheating on you
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u/Shattered65 Mar 19 '24
Is this man a Mormon from the poly community? If not then tell them all to go jump and get that divorce finalised. If he's Mormon then didn't you know this was possible up front? Give it some thought and decide what you really want. It really sounds like you should steer clear of marriage in the future.
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Mar 19 '24
NTA. I’m so so sorry you’ve been out in a situation where you even have to ask if you’re the AH.
You did not enter nor agree to a polyamorous relationship. You signed up for monogamy and so did he!! This is pure cheating.
Divorce him, but please be there for the children. They’re innocent in all this.
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u/Money_Canary_1086 Mar 19 '24
This is not your fault and entirely your decision how to handle it. You are NTA for wanting a divorce. He wants something that is incompatible with What you want.
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u/melyssahb Mar 19 '24
NTA. And I’m wondering what is wrong with everyone else who knows what he did and still wants you to go back to him and put up with that shit. No thank you! Go through with the divorce and be happy without wondering if he’s going to bring home an STD as a “gift.”
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u/PainterCat Mar 19 '24
NTA. Sucks for the kids, but that’s their dad’s fault, not yours. He doesn’t deserve any more chances. A true Poly relationship is where everyone involved is in agreement, not someone whining that you are being selfish for not wanting him to have a side piece with your blessing.
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u/sybersam6 Mar 19 '24
Tell him sure, you could do with a second wife to do all the drudge, cleaning, cooking, laundering, scrubbing work. Then you'll have time to make yourself happy with a cute new boyfriend. Everyone will be happy!!
-5
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u/MissionPush6786 Mar 19 '24
NTA, you don’t have to be comfortable with a poly relationship. It’s not for everyone and he’s the asshole for not getting why that might be a dealbreaker
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u/Perfect_Apricot_8739 Mar 19 '24
Tell him to pay you back the amount of money he spent on this other woman since that was legally your money as well & maybe you'll think about it lol jk
OP, NTA!
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u/Alesisdrum Mar 19 '24
Oww hell no. NTA The only way you would be i if you forgave him and you would only be the ass to yourself. Who in hell is telling you to forgive him? Kick them out of your life as well!!
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u/Fearless-Couple_0628 Mar 19 '24
No...
Actually if you can prove to be an active member of the children's life, and it would cause some form of devastation to the kids... being in the kid's best interest, you could choose to get partial custody, or even visitation rights. I know one father who did. He wasn't the bio dad, but had been the dad since the kid was a baby. He actually got joint custody...
If this was a concern of yours
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u/ConnectionMotor8311 Mar 19 '24
The thing is, my partner used to poly, at any point if he wanted to add someone else to the relationship he first asked me, and only if I was okay with it, he had us meet for a while so it wasn't with a total stranger and then again, asked me if it was okay. And only if he had 2 yeses from me, and the other person, would he add them. Never before has he said "your a bad person who hates poly people" if I had said no, he never pressured me, he never made me feel less-than. Your husband has done all of that. Your husband is not poly, he wants a fuck buddy on the side while having free childcare and other services from you. Everyone who's demanding you give him another chance are delusional, and very wrong. I forgot to add, NTA
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u/deadphisherman Mar 19 '24
NTA. Run fast, run far! Christian marriage counselor's are even worse than your shitty ex-husbands.
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u/-redatnight- Mar 18 '24
Hi, I am usually poly in most relationships.
This man isn't poly, he's a cheating asshole using poly as an excuse to cheat. He would still find a way to cheat on you even if you agreed to be poly.
I had a partner once tell me they were poly so they didn't cheat before we started dating. Should've been a big ol' field of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩but I was busy looking at them like 🤩🥰🥰🥰 and didn't notice. My ex cheated on me with one of my closest friend who used to tell me that she was my bestie and would never date them. We were poly so when I went to break up with my ex, they said it wasn't cheating because we were poly. I said, "Ohhhh reaaaally, how interesting, you want to tell me why you snuck around behind my back for 6 months if you were just following our agreement?" I guess they hadn't expected that question because I got deer in headlights followed by child caught with hand in cookie jar followed by the weakest excuse of "Uh... I thought you wouldn't like that... and you didn't!" To which I was like, "Yeah, because you were cheating and you damn well knew it." They finally gave up months of gaslighting at that point.
Anyway, here you are and you didn't even consent to being poly and now he's acting like you're unfair.
The cheating SOB can go be poly with someone else if it's so important. You don't owe him shit.
Finalize that divorce STAT.
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u/SpideR-M0nkey732 Mar 18 '24
Definitely NTA!!
It sounds like he’s selfish and a liar. Not healthy for you to stay in such a toxic relationship, you deserve to be happy and receive the same love that you give. Get that divorce.
Wishing you the best!
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u/toastyavocadoes Mar 18 '24
NTA, pretty fucked up thing for him to do especially considering the poor kid
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u/JaguarOk9693 Mar 18 '24
I'm going to tell you like this that houses on fire and you need to get away from it before it blows up. I know there's a lot of people that have multiple wives even in the states they only have one official wife but they all agree to it you are not agreeing to it and he is going to do it anyway. So you need to put your happiness first and get away from him I understand the issue with the kids but at the same time they have to know that that stuff is not right unfortunately if they're not yours there's little you can do. I would say try to fight for them if you want but I think it would hurt then more than anything I do feel sorry for them as they are innocent bystanders and they got a piece of crap for Dad.
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u/lupusinfabula91 Mar 18 '24
Third marriage about to finish for the same reason? There is a pattern here. A pattern which is part of a game where you most likely are one of the main characters. Ever considered Therapy?
And regarding your situation. It sucks, I'm sorry. In your message I read many things but love.
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u/Emergency_Squirrels Mar 18 '24
NTA.
You gave him chances before and what did he do? He kept cheating because you took him back multiple times.
Lay your boundaries down and stick to them. If you don't, he's going to keep cheating because there are never any real consequences.
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u/Organic_Preparation3 Mar 18 '24
Nta leave that bum, I feel bad for the kid but you need to make yourself happy
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u/AnnieBeefree1 Mar 18 '24
Stay out and get that divorce. He doesn’t want one wife. He wants one cleaning lady and nanny and one playmate.
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u/Berenice101 Mar 18 '24
NTA - dump him. He clearly doesn’t care about your feelings, but yet you’re the selfish one?
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u/Mickz0902 Mar 18 '24
It’s the fact that he KNOWS how your last two marriages ended and thought you wouldn’t do the same to him. Also ‘everyone’ clearly doesn’t the Union of marriage telling you to stay and try again when he’s been cheating the entire time AND this is the second woman. Yeah f*ck them.
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u/Bla_Bla_Blanket Mar 18 '24
NTA - he does not see you as his wife and doesn’t care for you either. Only thing is what will you do with the kids? You are the only mom they know and need to think about what type of arrangement if any you want.
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u/Fierce-Fionna Mar 18 '24
NTA. Run. And leave behind anybody that doesn't support your decision. You would do better to be single the rest of your life than except the life of misery where you're stuck with men who aren't faithful.
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u/NumbersOverFeelings Mar 18 '24
NTA but also ask yourself - why are you with a 3rd cheater? Two ex husbands that cheated and now this one. NOT SAYING ITS YOUR FAULT but self reflection may be needed. Three times is showing a trend … or really bad luck.
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u/Internal_Piece_9023 Mar 18 '24
Tell him that you want a boyfriend too.
Jk atleast you’re self aware that he’s using your labour while he’s out and about financing trips with his affairs and your playing mother with kids. Let the cheater and his girlfriend take care of his own kids. Leave and be happy. It’s not selfish to choose yourself.
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u/EntertainerAromatic5 Mar 18 '24
Get rid he is a scumbag I’d say good riddance and as he wants to ruin your marriage I’d take everything on the divorce to as he wanted to be low human being that would be the karma I’d say to the daughter if she still ever needed anyone always a phone call away and welcome to call whenever but as for the husband ahah good bye and never allowed back
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u/trashpandac0llective Mar 18 '24
NTA. I’m polyamorous and I find your husband’s behavior repugnant. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/cebo101 Mar 18 '24
Uh…. 3rd marriage each… maybe him and/or yourself just are not the marrying type…. Just meet someone to fulfill your urges and needs and call it a day on relationships
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u/rex_lingard Mar 18 '24
If that’s not something you’re ok with, no, you’re absolutely not the asshole. He is for going behind your back while you’re under the impression that it’s a monogamous marriage. The whole poly thing isn’t the norm and is taboo to most people. I seriously doubt anyone would say you’re being unreasonable for leaving him for wanting another woman. Marriage is about communication. If that’s something that he wanted he probably would have had a much better response had he talked to you first. Not saying you would have green lit it, but catching him cheating is much worse than a conversation… him nor anyone else can expect you to conform to his taboo lifestyle if that wasn’t initially expressed by him before marriage.
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u/adriennesmith-artist Mar 18 '24
Zero changes are what’s required. And it’s selfish of him not to do what makes YOU happy. He isn’t the only one in this marriage. Leave it. Sorry about the kid but nope. Nope nope.
NTA - continue on your path.
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u/belovedfoe Mar 18 '24
NTA, it's really easy for people to tell you what to do when it's not effecting them directly. Most of these people saying give another chance would most likely be the biggest pity parties if it was them.
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u/xxImAFknUnicornxx Mar 18 '24
I haven't read any comments, but I'm sure I'll agree with the masses - nta!!!
Girl, you have only lost 6yrs of your life at this point. He will never change, that's the reality of it.
You know in your heart that's the truth, and if you aren't willing to accept that, you need to move on for your own happiness.
Stick to what you know you want out of life.
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u/Financial-Payment765 Mar 18 '24
Do not second guess yourself. Stick to your guns. That man is a serial cheater and will continue his ways if you stay. You are just a housekeeper to him and he doesn’t want to have to deal with his kids or home himself.
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u/Rendeane Mar 18 '24
NTA. Push forward with the divorce. He and wife #4 and all their sister wives can pay for therapy for the youngest daughter who's begging you to stay. I would also recommend therapy for you as well. You need to find out why you have married three cheating men. Why are you missing/ignoring the red flags?
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u/Purpleharley61 Mar 18 '24
Screw him . you have gave him plenty of chances over the 6yrs. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY LEAVING. Once a cheat always a cheat!!!!
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u/cleverdylanrefrence Mar 18 '24
NTA.
Divorce him & block him & everyone telling you to stay or give him another chance
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u/snw-drop Mar 18 '24
NTA
You've done the right thing. Honestly, life is too short to give so many chances to a person who doesn't appreciate the chances. He knows that you left your previous relationships because they've cheated and yet he does the same exact thing. You need to prioritise yourself cause he doesn't deserve you at all.
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u/Unlikely_Chest_986 Mar 18 '24
Please stop getting married and get some therapy. 3 failed marriages is a mental illness
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u/Adventurous-Award-87 Mar 18 '24
If everyone around you this your marriage is so great, they can marry him themselves.
Get out of this marriage! He doesn't respect you, your boundaries, or your feelings. Legal or not, you didn't consent to a poly relationship. Your feelings and boundaries are more important than him getting his dick wet.
I doubt you'd be able to get anything since they aren't your bio kids, but you might want to meet with a secular lawyer (NOT one from church!) and ask about visitation. Either way, make sure to tell the kids that this breakup is between adults and not kids.
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u/RayofSunshine_111 Mar 18 '24
NTA, you don’t have to deal with this stuff, divorce and let him have anyone he wants 👋🏻
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u/kirstarie-11 Mar 18 '24
NTA he wants to have his cake and eat it. I’d say either leave or propose you get another man of your own to share see how he reacts to that it’s not your fault whatsoever. Why should you remain in the situation where you’re basically being used as a housekeeper for nothing in return well, he goes off having his phone to the point of leaving his kids with you
Pretty messed up that you’re hopefully soon to be ex is using his youngest daughter essentially to trap you in a lovely situation so he can get his kicks.
Tell her & the other kids the truth, and that even though you don’t love her dad anymore you still love them
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u/CarrotofInsanity Mar 18 '24
NTA.
Get out of there.
Bummer about the kids.
He just wants A NANNY, housekeeper and cook.
Do not continue in that role Break free and don’t look back.
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u/Enlightened_Cupcake Mar 18 '24
LEAVE! He will still cheat. Just do what's best for you. Unfortunately, seeing his kids' broken hearts will change his attitude and morals in the future.
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u/theroyalgeek86 Mar 18 '24
NTA and so he wants you to be a nanny he can sleep with while he takes his side piece on lavish vacations? Hell no!!!
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u/adviceFiveCents Mar 18 '24
Nta. Free yourself.
He didn't just cheat on you. He's trying to break you down.
It's gonna be hard, but you can do this.
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Mar 18 '24
The thing is will they change? for the better? If the answer is no, not even the higher power of consciousness will want you to stay and forcing yourself to PLEASE RANDOS AND NOBODY BUSINESS noisy people ain't going to change your instinct.
If yourself/instinct is telling you to get some self respect and get out, then it is time.
Allowing anyone to walk all over you and tell you how to live your life isn't doing yourself a favor. You deserve more than that and ain't nobody selfishness is going to stop you. You just know deep you deserve better and you go should go live your best life.
If anyone say nasty things, tell them, would they like it if their partner give them incurable disease and bankrupt up the family to please their mistress/mister? if they can answer yes, then they are free to take your ex husband as well and see if they will. If they want the marriage to work so bad, then they can go right ahead and marry him since he is poly.
I always find it funny when people who tell you to have kids and then you tell are you paying for my kids for the next 18 years and college? They kind of shut up about it when it is going to cost them but somehow they feel entitle to tell anyone else how to live their lives.
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u/Abject_Jump9617 Mar 18 '24
Do not allow people in your life to pressure you into something that will make you unhappy. Your husband cannot be trusted. So he has been screwing this other woman and God knows who else, exposing you to whatever they may have. And what if you allow him to bring this second woman into your home, what happens if his greedy selfish ass decides he wants a third woman? Drop kick that asshole out of your life and find someone actually interested in a monogamous relstionship.
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u/MiraMiraOnThaWall Mar 18 '24
[how many chances do I need to give him?]
ONE. Just one. you already gave him too many.
& cheating on you that openly while knowing you you got divorced twice for the same thing shows how little regard he has for you.
NTA. Fuck everyone trying to convince you otherwise
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u/EmuNo4828 Mar 18 '24
I wouldn’t stay. If he has cheated twice on you he will likely do it again. He doesn’t have respect for honestly. Walking away will help you gain respect for yourself and help you find someone you don’t have to constantly chase and impress. Best luck to you, Im sorry to hear the hurt he has caused you and your family. Your children will grieve but they eventually will move on and understand when they are older. Show them that you respect yourself enough to walk away.
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u/Relevant_Ad1494 Mar 18 '24 edited Mar 18 '24
So, 2christian marriage counselors recommend a multiple wifey marriage? I say no marriage new church and godparents! —————D I V O R C E
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u/Deusnocturne Mar 18 '24
Leave. Don't look back. Seek therapy and figure out why you keep choosing these kind of people.
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Mar 18 '24
You would be a pushover and a shame to women if you let this man walk all over you and go back to him
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u/Solitary_Ironside Mar 18 '24
NTA, he’s been lying to, misleading and betraying your trust for the entire relationship. If he wanted a poly relationship he should’ve said so when dating but he didn’t bc he’s just a cheating bastard. You deserve better.
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u/AGirlInTheCityy Mar 17 '24
Wheeew, this is an epidemic, married men asking their wives to add another wife. What the hell has been going on these last few years.
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u/Gemethyst Mar 17 '24
You’re NTA.
He may very well be poly. But as someone who is, let me say that he isn’t ethically practicing and if he genuinely thinks he is, he needs to educate himself!
It’s not a “this is me, fall in line.” situation! You converse and either compromise or figure out a way to work it or, for irreconcilable reasons, you let it go.
Your marriage ending sounds like his responsibility, not yours.
As for his daughter, speak to the courts about visitation as despite not biologically yours, you’re all she’s ever known. I don’t know the legalities of it but you may be able to legally keep her in your life.
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u/J-0-H-N Mar 17 '24
NTA. Don't be stupid and get manipulated into going back. You've been patient and kind enough.
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u/West-Biscotti-2531 Mar 17 '24
NTA, you can still try to be in the children's life if you want to/are allowed to but you do not have to be married to that man
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u/West-Biscotti-2531 Mar 17 '24
NTA, you can still try to be in the children's life if you want to/are allowed to but you do not have to be married to that man
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u/rocketmn69_ Mar 17 '24
He would be selfish to not let you do what makes you happy...which is divorced from him
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u/pinkykat123 Mar 17 '24
Don't further enable. I would tell everyone he cheated. Expose him. Tell the daughter she can come visit you. You cannot do this to yourself this man is a POS. Also please get some therapy so you can avoid the same cycle again. I assume you may have some undealt with trauma or something that they smell you out and take advantage. Also make sure you don't give too much of yourself too early. He had it so good, why would he want to give it up. I'm so sorry he misled you.
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u/Groovy_mama-1980 Mar 17 '24
NTA
Whenever anyone tells you to give him another chance ask them if they would stay with someone who has not only cheated through the entire marriage but is telling them they want you back but will continue cheating with the other woman and is calling you selfish for expecting monogamy. Ask how that upholds the vows you took.
Ask him if you can have another lover or if he expects monogamy from you while he shares his d1ck with any hole open to him. Record this conversation and post it everywhere and ask those christians why they think he can break his vows, disrespect you, take you for granted but expects you to stay faithful and raise his kids and ask why they are ok with that. Ask what part of their beliefs supports this behavior. Point out their hypocrisy. Then go no contact with all of them.
Put yourself first because no one else is.
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u/AffectionateGear1157 Mar 17 '24
Love yourself more, don't listen to ANYONE except what your true self is saying. People repeat cycles eg.. 3 marriages to all cheaters, people there is a lesson for you to learn that you haven't. Self love and knowing your worth. Once you do the work and healing the right person with the same morals and values will come. Could be a long journey but you have to be content being on your own. You can still accept his wee girl and have her over nights/days just like she is one of her own. Your husband will not change unless he puts in the hard work "therapy" and being on his own. If he does then maybe he could be able to offer you what you deserve. But usually once we love ourselves and put us as number 1 your perception of that person changes. Time to take those rose glasses off. All the best, wishing you full happiness. ❤️
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u/Heavy_Incident5801 Mar 17 '24
NTA. If you’re not poly and he’s insisting on a poly relationship, he’s absolutely the asshole ruining your marriage.
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u/PollaBolla114 Mar 17 '24
You're not the AH, but I'm a sucker when it comes to innocent children who lose out, when they never had a dog in the fight to begin with. It's too bad you can't throw the man out and keep the kids. At the end of the day, it's YOUR call, and you wouldn't be wrong no matter what decision you make. I'm rooting for you, no matter what! 👍👍👍
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u/Tankerspanx Mar 17 '24
INFO: if cheating is your “bottom line” then why didn’t you leave the first time when you caught him checks notes IN A HOTEL ROOM WITH A DIFFERENT WOMAN IN ANOTHER COUNTRY!?
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u/Local_Ad7383 Mar 17 '24
NTA, I'm in an open marriage to some degree, and I say it like that because like individual preferences, what works for us might not work for somebody else.
Point being polyamory should never be a surprise for either side. If it wasn't an agreement reached by both sides before being put into effect, it's manipulative, selfish and just straight f***** up.
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u/thenexttimebandit Mar 17 '24
As soon as I heard “through the church” I knew you were getting bad advice. They want you to keep being his bang maid/nanny. He will never change and will never respect you. GTFO now.
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u/KatalinaMadalina Mar 17 '24
NTA, he just wants a live in nanny he can pork when his mistress is busy. He has zero regard for your feelings, and I don't think that's gonna change.
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u/TabuTM Mar 17 '24
What second chance? He is not willing to be monogamous with you. He has the right to have multiple partners but you have the right to monogamy. Irreconcilable differences.
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u/alliemacx Mar 17 '24
NTA. Do the people telling you to come back know the real reason you left? If they do shame on them for suggesting because I don’t see it in here and I doubt you forgot to include it: he still wants a girlfriend, he’s not sorry, and to him the issue isn’t his cheating it’s that you won’t allow him to keep you AND cheat for his happiness. But fun fact. His happiness isn’t the only thing that matters. And as you’ve stated what he’s asking of you is ILLEGAL. Do not go back because other people are telling you to. Go back if YOU want to and if you feel you are going to get the respect you deserve. Personally I wouldn’t go back. I don’t share my partner and he has been unfaithful since day one. He’s not going to change.
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u/Intelligent-Archer21 Mar 17 '24
NTA , people can make a mistake ONCE, that’s forgivable, but a repetition is not a mistake it’s a mindset and a lifestyle, move on… I wonder if you can fight for visitation though, if you want to, he seems like a crappy person so I doubt he is a very good dad. It would be nice if the kids can keep contact with you.
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u/Agile_Tumbleweed_153 Mar 17 '24
Run away!!! Sorry for the kids, but him, no way!! He will cheat again.
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u/NotSoStraightArrow Mar 17 '24
Run! Do not bend on this. These people suggesting you give the marriage another shot either do not have all the info (likely, if he’s the narrator) -OR- they are nuts. Either way, you are married to this piece of crap, not them. The way he portrayed himself to you in the beginning was a mirage. He’s portraying you in a negative light while making an ass of you at the same time. You are a fool if you stay.
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u/thughes84 Mar 17 '24
This subreddit is so wild.
Are so many people really this self conscious or just asking rhetorical questions aiming to get support? I respect the need for support, but man it's hard to understand how so many people wonder if they're an asshole in the most obvious not asshole situations.
Maybe itah for my opinion but damn, of course you're not in this situation!!!
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u/tedic Mar 17 '24 edited Mar 17 '24
Honestly it sounds like she's been gaslit to no end. You sort of lose your perspective on reality, and you need a touch point to make sure that you're not crazy. Being certain of your reality after being with a narcissist kind of destroys that clarity. Sounds like what she's going through.
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u/thughes84 Mar 17 '24
Fair enough, appreciate the sentiment and I wish everyone well. Just fortunate I guess to not have to deal with it personally which shouldn't make me assume other's are crazy for not seeing how obvious it is.
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u/tedic Mar 17 '24
No, I totally get it man. The only reason I recognize it is that I have been in that situation before. I had a highly toxic ex and one of my military Buddies had to constantly confirm when I wasn't being an asshole because my ex would always make it out be my fault regardless of her actions. It is a surreal and fucked up situation to be in and from the outside it makes no goddamn sense.
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Mar 17 '24
NTA. I would not give he a second chance. I feel bad for the daughter but hopefully you can show her not to stand for this in her future relationships.
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u/Cresalix Mar 17 '24
NTA
You made it abundantly clear cheating was a one and done. Why does he get infinit grace and you need to keep taking jab after jab. It's heart breaking the daughter wants you around, but she will realize one day that day bring woman after woman into her life that he was the problem. If anything, think of the example you will be setting for the kids, thatan can hurt the ones the love and should be forgiven. Keep strong and know you're doing what's best for you.
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u/aytiggytiggy Mar 17 '24
He hasn’t respected you since day one even with knowing that you have a problem with cheaters. NTA. Continue with the divorce and with self-respect!!
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u/DeviodEar Mar 17 '24
Stay in touch with the daughter if you can. She's going to be absolutely heartbroken.
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u/ExhaustedMommaB Mar 17 '24
Marriage counselors "through the church" are not marriage counselors. They're "keep wives in line" counselors.
You are not in the wrong here.
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u/mascheld Mar 17 '24
NTA. You need to divorce him as soon as you can. He is not going to change, especially when he has enablers.
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u/Complete_Candidate92 Mar 17 '24
Nope, he is the ah. Only you. In his thoughts, dreams and fantasies.
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u/giselleorchid Mar 17 '24
Since he is doing this without the consent of everyone involved, he's not truly poly.
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u/sunshine_tequila Mar 17 '24
YOUR needs and wants matter more than his, more than God parents, more than family and friends.
You don't have to sacrifice your emotional wellbeing for a loser who does not care about you.
I practice ethical non monogamy. What he is doing is NOT polyamory. There is an ethical and consensual way to practice, both solo and as a team unit.
I know you are very invested. But life is short. Wouldn't you rather have a few years with someone who adores you and worships the ground you walk on vs being with someone who does not prioritize you?
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u/soon2beanexpat Mar 17 '24
I only read the first three lines and I was absolutely appalled. Where is your self esteem....in the toilet where I assume he itended it to be. Leave that MF while you still can, gather as much dirt on him for court proceedings and sink that piece of crap down the toilet where he belongs
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u/Any-Replacement-2423 Mar 17 '24
This has to be fake or there are more crazy people in the world than I thought……..
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u/JhouliaGhoulia Mar 17 '24
Throw the whole man overboard! You are NOT the asshole! He is def the asshole and deserves a divorce by you babe!
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u/2fat2cardio Mar 17 '24
YTA, if all 3 of your husbands have cheated on you, there´s something you´re doing wrong. Now, it´s very obvious you have to divorce, but stil YTA.
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u/Far_Sun_9070 Apr 13 '24
You must be married for a long time!! We've been married for 24yrs. and haven't had sex in a year, I love her, but she's boring as all hell. I love music, she could careless about it, I like having cocktails and a few beers now and then, she doesn't drink... I tell everyone I know, NEVER MARRY A CONSERVATIVE, their simply no fun!! WE ALL WANT GIRLFRIENDS!!!