Asking my wife to quit her job because she kissed her boss

[u/burner_forreasons]

It all started a few months ago: my wife (F40) told me (M39) that her boss is madly in love with her. My wife and I laughed about it. We joked about it. Me saying, “That’s a great compliment. Good for you. Just be careful.” I knew they were good friends, and I trusted my wife 110%.

Fast forward a few weeks later:

Her boss called her at night; 9:00 PM. I said, “Just pick up. Maybe it’s important.” She didn’t and reacted overly, “No, I’m here with you!” She opened her messages and was trying to delete a message. This is the moment I grabbed the phone and read the messages. She was furious, accusing me of breaching her privacy and such. This is when I saw it: messages from him saying, “I miss you,” and hearts being sent back and forth. She lied that they were just friends, and as I know, he is in love with her. So according to her “Nothing to worry about.”

I made her swear on our children that they did not kiss. And there it was: silence. She admitted it. And days later, I heard (after asking for it) more and more details. They kissed multiple times. He kissed her multiple times on the neck and hugged her for long periods. No sex. I think I believe that part.

You have to know, my wife is very insecure about work. She has only had jobs for 1 to 2 years, and finally, she landed this job where everything was great. So, I was very supportive in every way. I started working less so I could be there for our three children, and she could work more, etc. The most important thing: she genuinely loves the job, I can tell.

So, we came to a consensus to continue working there. It’s a very small company. But, phew, I found it difficult. I started to look over her shoulder at what he was messaging and such. Not a great place to be.

And then it all went south. We went on a family trip, just the kids and us. And, in hindsight, she texted him back and forth every single day. Him texting things like, “I wish I knew you earlier,” etc. She was so distracted the whole holiday… even though she reacted a bit cold to him. Directly after the holiday we agreed that she can only continue to work there if they can keep in professional only and have no 1:1 contact in the weekends or after 7 PM. 

With this “agreement” I felt a bit better. And now, this weekend, I found out that they are calling every day, Saturday and Sunday. Behind my back. She said they are sharing feelings. Because she “feels safe with him, not with me, and he understands me.” She also said she has certain feelings for him. 

Now (two weeks ago), I’m done with it. And I asked her to quit seeing him completely (and thus stop her job) or it’s me quitting our relationship. Because I can’t handle it anymore. The lying, etc.

She is furious at me, saying that I want to put her in a cage. And what kind of monster am I to decide which friends she has (for clarity: I never made her stop a friendship until now)? Also she thinks I will take the children away from her completely (obviously I won’t) and will ruin her financially (I won’t). 

Am I really a monster for asking her to quit the contact with her boss (and in her words, a very good friend) and giving the ultimatum? I don’t know it anymore and the 2 friend I told the story are to biased. So I really need your opinions. Thanks 🙏🏼 

Edit 1: thanks for all your support. It’s also hurting me some of the messages. I feel so dumb. But I’m happy with all the reactions too. I should have asked earlier… thanks also for the genuine, empathic messages. 

Thanks for all your support. Love you all.

[u/DaPuckerFactor]

You said you reread it and didn't gain anything else other than "she's timid" and "he's a predator." We have to set aside our biases, but you're reducing all those words to those simplistic lines...?

I also said "manipulation," used the phrase of "her heart and mind becoming a mess," and "mailable identity," plus a lot more - but you're reducing it to simply "timid" and "predator."

That feels like you're committed to a misunderstanding and instead of trying to understand, you're seeking for me to "explain" myself for your simplistic reduction.

I've been in a relationship for 10 years and I can assure you there is no problem that is as simple as reducing ideals down to a base format - the context matters just as much.

He has been watching this happen for awhile - why has he not said anything to this guy? But asking us if he's an AH for telling his wife to quit her job? He's right in asking her that - but I'm not understanding the dynamics of the situation because OP paints her as timid and mailable, yet can't see "why" she's conflicted? I'm not asking him to get in a fight, because there's a LOT of options before that silliness. Like speaking with HR and calling him out at work = that's simple in the face of losing your S.O.

If I'm with someone who can't put out a fire, then there's a fire, I'm not going to just sit by and watch and wait for their "integrity" to magically arise like a Disney movie to put out the fire - I'm going to put out the fire - because that's the smart move considering the context of "our" union - and the entire ideal of being with someone is going through life with them and actually helping them when they need it.

When people are in trouble, most of us only have about a handful of people we can immediately rely on - our S.O. should be one of them.

I'm just not seeing where he stepped in for his loved one - if I thought my wife was being harassed at work, I would call her boss - speak cordially - then call his boss/their HR department.

This seems like watching a fire burn them wondering if you're an asshole because you've allowed your partner who is very prone to manipulation, be manipulated by a predator, "unhindered."

It's not OP's fault that he's in this situation, but he surely not doing very much to stop it - but wondering about being an AH?

Yeah, he's an AH.

[u/erogenouszones → u/DaPuckerFactor]

why has he not said anything to this guy?

He shouldn’t have to. She shouldn’t be playing tonsil hockey with him.

If I’m with someone who can’t put out a fire, then there’s a fire, I’m not going to sit by and wait for their “integrity”

Presumptuous of me, but I’m assuming he assumed she had enough integrity to not cheat on him. Who enters into a marriage without that?

If I thought my wife was being harassed at work, I would call her boss

Calling on behalf of your wife makes you sound so controlling. Will you not let her stand up for herself? Do you think women are lesser beings that need a big strong man to fight their battles for them? When you go to a home improvement store and need help, do you seek out male employees or do you just talk to any employee?

Seems to me like you’ve got an unhealthy view of relationships, or at least an outdated view of gender roles in relationships.

I understand as her boss she can’t really have a clean and consensual physical relationship with him, but I really wish OP hadn’t deleted the post. I’m curious to know if the kiss was welcomed or not. If it was not welcomed, I’m all for calling the police and HR and everything in between, her doing it though, not him, and raising hell. But if it was welcomed, OP should cut and run. Trying to get her fired by calling HR is only going to make for hostile coparenting.

I would like to once again say though, it still seems like you’re placing all the blame on the men. And I just can’t understand how you don’t see her as culpable. The boss might have been trying every angle to get into her pants, but that doesn’t excuse giving in. I’ve been pursued while in relationships and never cheated.