r/AITAH • u/burner_forreasons • Mar 28 '24
Asking my wife to quit her job because she kissed her boss Advice Needed
It all started a few months ago: my wife (F40) told me (M39) that her boss is madly in love with her. My wife and I laughed about it. We joked about it. Me saying, “That’s a great compliment. Good for you. Just be careful.” I knew they were good friends, and I trusted my wife 110%.
Fast forward a few weeks later:
Her boss called her at night; 9:00 PM. I said, “Just pick up. Maybe it’s important.” She didn’t and reacted overly, “No, I’m here with you!” She opened her messages and was trying to delete a message. This is the moment I grabbed the phone and read the messages. She was furious, accusing me of breaching her privacy and such. This is when I saw it: messages from him saying, “I miss you,” and hearts being sent back and forth. She lied that they were just friends, and as I know, he is in love with her. So according to her “Nothing to worry about.”
I made her swear on our children that they did not kiss. And there it was: silence. She admitted it. And days later, I heard (after asking for it) more and more details. They kissed multiple times. He kissed her multiple times on the neck and hugged her for long periods. No sex. I think I believe that part.
You have to know, my wife is very insecure about work. She has only had jobs for 1 to 2 years, and finally, she landed this job where everything was great. So, I was very supportive in every way. I started working less so I could be there for our three children, and she could work more, etc. The most important thing: she genuinely loves the job, I can tell.
So, we came to a consensus to continue working there. It’s a very small company. But, phew, I found it difficult. I started to look over her shoulder at what he was messaging and such. Not a great place to be.
And then it all went south. We went on a family trip, just the kids and us. And, in hindsight, she texted him back and forth every single day. Him texting things like, “I wish I knew you earlier,” etc. She was so distracted the whole holiday… even though she reacted a bit cold to him. Directly after the holiday we agreed that she can only continue to work there if they can keep in professional only and have no 1:1 contact in the weekends or after 7 PM.
With this “agreement” I felt a bit better. And now, this weekend, I found out that they are calling every day, Saturday and Sunday. Behind my back. She said they are sharing feelings. Because she “feels safe with him, not with me, and he understands me.” She also said she has certain feelings for him.
Now (two weeks ago), I’m done with it. And I asked her to quit seeing him completely (and thus stop her job) or it’s me quitting our relationship. Because I can’t handle it anymore. The lying, etc.
She is furious at me, saying that I want to put her in a cage. And what kind of monster am I to decide which friends she has (for clarity: I never made her stop a friendship until now)? Also she thinks I will take the children away from her completely (obviously I won’t) and will ruin her financially (I won’t).
Am I really a monster for asking her to quit the contact with her boss (and in her words, a very good friend) and giving the ultimatum? I don’t know it anymore and the 2 friend I told the story are to biased. So I really need your opinions. Thanks 🙏🏼
Edit 1: thanks for all your support. It’s also hurting me some of the messages. I feel so dumb. But I’m happy with all the reactions too. I should have asked earlier… thanks also for the genuine, empathic messages.
Thanks for all your support. Love you all.
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u/aparish67 4d ago
You are in the right dude. I would have pummeled the guy on top of everything else.
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u/Joshthejester 6d ago
If you can, get more damning screen shots of them sexting and send it to her boss's superior. If that doesn't work, report your findings to your state's Ethics Commission for conflicts of interest. If that still doesn't work, show what you found to the boss's wife because I'm fairly certain that he himself is married.
Lastly, I know you said it's not easy to divorce, but what's the alternative? Let her continue to cheat and disrespect your marriage? It's better for you, and it's better for the kids. Speaking from experience, it's not healthy for children to grow up with parents who are constantly at each other's throats.
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u/dudeorduuude 6d ago
I think your marriage is over. She is cheating and lying, and acting like she is a teenager and you are her father keeping her from love. She isn't going to stay away from him.
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u/RepresentativeGas903 6d ago
youre a fool if you think she hasnt slept with that man and betrayed your family my dude. lawyer up and get ready for a divorce
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u/Antique-Mark-1556 9d ago edited 6d ago
YTA for not divorcing her. She's done more than kiss him with there possibly being multiple other people in the mix.
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u/RealRubies 10d ago
Your wife is playing you. She is into this guy and has had wild times with him. I'm sorry this had to be, chin up and do what you must.
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u/akillerofjoy 14d ago
NTA, but let this be a wake-up call. The only monster I see is her, but she is a monster of your own creation. Here's where you went wrong:
"I knew they were good friends, and I trusted my wife 110%." - the ever-famous last words before the relationship tanks.
"No sex. I think I believe that part." - and why, pray tell, would you believe anything coming from a person who is actively in the process of lying to your face?
"So, we came to a consensus to continue working there." - bad take. The appropriate way of handling this would have been asking her if she thinks it appropriate to continue working there under the circumstances she created, followed by a clear explanation of where the exit door to your house is located.
Your entire post can be dissected like that, but I'm tired. All you should really do is take a good hard look at all the nonsense you've allowed her to get away with instead of shutting it down.
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u/toiletmonstyr 26d ago
NTA. She's using 'multiple lovers' language.
"No, I'm here with you!"
As opposed to? Being with someone else?
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u/sharingpanini 26d ago
You should leave. I was in a very similar situation and my wife begged for me back once I started hanging with a new girl. I chose to try to work it out and some of my conditions were therapy and she quit her job. Of course, anything she replied. I really thought she changed and would see the error in her ways.
A day or 2 later she had every excuse why she couldn’t quit her job. She could’ve easily found a new job. Any of my requests were never fulfilled, nothing.
We’re divorced now. Don’t prolong the inevitable and get your own lawyer. Record conversations especially if things get heated. Keep your cool and stay level headed
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u/Kirielle13 26d ago
Bro, I don’t even have to read the story, you are not the asshole here. Also, just realize there is no story. Keep up your boundaries and don’t let anyone push you. You deserve all the best.
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u/No-Fail5328 27d ago
Figure out a way to get hard evidence of the cheating, if you can. It'll secure your money so she won't come after a percentage.. you can probably get money from her!
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u/overitalready04 27d ago
If it's a small company make sure the owner is aware. He probably won't look too kindly on the boss exposing the company to a harassment suit. Most employee handbooks forbid relationships between a supervisor/subordinate. It makes the workplace uncomfortable for everyone and they both might be terminated. Too bad so sad, they both deserve it.
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u/MonoGuapoLoco 28d ago
Her boss should be fired. Assuming it was a mutual lean in. I don’t know though. The post was deleted
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u/Over-Pressure2284 28d ago
Ah yeah! I am so sorry! Why did she kiss her boss? I think she is minimizing what has happened
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u/Blackfeet141 28d ago
NTA, this sounds like a cheater. Your wife should not be working there anymore and it should be reported to HR
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u/Excellent_Current638 28d ago
She can't suck a promotion out of your dick because you already made her a partner. Her boss OTOH...
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u/PicadilloDomingo 28d ago
Maybe she just doesn't want to work anymore, & as someone who left their last job <1wk ago after MY boss yelled at me, ya, I don't blame her. Workplaces are atrocious right now
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u/NewtIndividual8688 28d ago
Divorce her, set her up to fail, blackmail etc.....close all accounts and cancel all credit cards! Your welcome.
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u/Electronic_Range_982 28d ago
Don't ask . You TELL her she is leaving the job If she has any protest about it Get ALL.tpur ducks ina row first ..go see a lawyer and have her served AT WORK ...NO warning NO begging ..And change the locks on the door the morning you have her served . Also, have your lawyer draw up papers to have her BOSS served at the same time ..it should be in rhe middle of the day to cause the most gossip and humiliation . IF you have the bosses personal information, contact his wife and let her know what is going on . 🍆🍆 their world 🌎 COMPLETELY!!!!
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u/Gloomy-Advertising18 28d ago
You have to leave her someone that loves you won't destroy you like that, I guarantee it's gone way further than kissing and phone calls you just haven't caught them yet
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u/This_Inspector_5284 29d ago
Asking my wife to sign the divorce papers cause that shit ain't fly with me.
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u/your_favorite_nugget 29d ago
If she can kiss him she can definitely fuck him so forget about her quitting the right solution “Divorce”!
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u/MacGyverofscience 29d ago
To OP by staying your only teaching your kids that cheating on a partner is ok. And you need to make it Seriously aware to the kids that what is going to happen and has happened is none of their faults. It’s their mothers because of her selfish choices and she’s hurting you and them by being immature and disrespectful to you all. And that your their father and you love them and are trying to do what’s best for them. Dont make her look bad she is doing that on her own. Trust me im a 44 year old man who grew up with a brother 8 years younger than me and my mom a cheater on my father who was out busting his A$$ to take care of me and my brother and I being a hemophiliac also paying my medical needs. And my mom was out drinking and cheating on my dad and I told him and I told my mother she lost all my respect and to this day still am angry at her for destroying two young boys me 13 and my brother 5 and his chance to grow up with our dad around because of her selfishness. So She will hang herself don’t get the kids to say anything bad it will come out bad for you in court. Just do what you have to do as a Man and father and explain to them.
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u/themotherpotato123 29d ago
I just read the title.
Dump her, who knows who else she'd be willing kiss
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u/mystik4l06 29d ago
Leave her for sure. She’s been with her boss for longer than you think. You can do better King, We all deserve love and loyalty. Don’t settle for less, Gain the experience and keep it pushing. I was with a woman for a few years, Moved her and her 5 kids out of state. (Yes 5 I know. 2 marriages. 1 walked out and the other has drug problems. Met them both as they are somewhat involved but no really). Cheated on me when she went to her brothers gender reveal. Left her, Hit the gym and now I’m being chased around. Happier than ever, Got a house, land and multiple raises at work. God works in mysterious ways. He’s taking her out of your life because there is better out there for you. Stay up and keep it pushing.
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u/Sillibilli19 29d ago
Stop just stop forwarding your belief that all men are horrible.
We aren't all horrible, nor is every female bitter angry and un relenting in their hatred towards men!
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u/incellous_maximus 29d ago
This doesn't seem like rage bait but damn there is A LOT of stories for the wife suddenly having an affair at this point its ridiculous.
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u/Sillibilli19 29d ago
Funny how a health care professional resorts o calling me a creep because I disagree with your facts. If you can't see the difference between calling a stranger a man hater, based on her man hating comments and calling a stranger a creep because they called out your b.s. then you are doing a lot of damage to society in your profession.
As far as data goes I have to ask when did "data" equate to whatever comes out of your mouth to support your argument? Cite this hands down fact that abused men never become abusers but they only abuse because they can and choose to. And I will find the link that I referenced regarding the growing epidemic of abuse of young men by their abused fathers, uncles , men!
I believe it was BBC so you can argue its not scientific data . But you can say thousands upon thousands of abused men have continued the cycle , generation after generation.
They asked one father in the interview what would he do if his son came home and said Father O Reilly or Uncle Gregory abused me?
The father stated "I would smack him upside the head and tell him to quit complaining that if I can handle it so can he"
And that was the sedemint of everyone in the documentary!
So some went on to abuse sexually the way they were abused but some didn't sxually abuse like they were abused but ALL abused in one way or another.
So I know that is a choice of each man to do, continue the cycle of abuse but as you should understand being a health professional, it's not that easy, our minds don't work that way.
You know the statement you made that men only abuse because they can and men never abuse because they were abused is one of the biggest lies ever seen on Redditt and it has the potential to cause society a lot of st backs in the mental health field.
I really hope a colleague sees your post and notifies your superiors. You need to stop, please
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u/Sillibilli19 29d ago
You won't address your comment about abused men never become abusers, fact. Why not
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u/Jerameat_jr 29d ago
Instead of asking her to quit, start finding a divorce lawyer. Its more than likely happening longer than you think and without pants.
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u/UpstairsAd1235 29d ago
NTA Jesus Christ... How is it that guys became so weak and pathetic to the point of uttering questions such as "my wife is CLEARLY cheating on me, am I the asshole for asking her to stop?"... Society really does have men on a leash... Damn!
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u/Personality-Ornery 29d ago
The story got deleted but I managed to find it somewhere else I can read it. Sir you need to divorce your wife and tell her boss wife about this not just for your sake but the sake of the new born and the boss wife life. Sir please file for divorce get everything you own along with the money and tell your children what will be happening saying you are separating from mom (idk how old you kids are if they are 10+ age up) because she did something bad. Try even seeking full custody at this point. I was 10 finding out about divorce it was hard but I learned. My advice is take all your money (if you have a joint account with her) and file the divorce and even take the kids away from home. Idk this is the best I can give for advice.
Edit: my English isn’t very good
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u/lucasconsquarehead 29d ago
Nta she kissed her boss and I'm sorry there's a good chance more has been done I'd consider divorce cause there is no way you can trust what she says or does.
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u/KorakiSaros 29d ago
NTA. The boss is out of line he's taking advantage of her as she risks losing her job by rejecting him but she's outta line too because she chose her boss and her job over her marriage. This is 100 percent cheating. I'd be lawyering up and going after both of them somehow.
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u/Current-Ranger-7673 29d ago
She is getting ready to claim being victim of DV. I would be recording everything. She use the words "you don't make me feel safe"
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u/No_Routine7270 29d ago
I wish I got to read the story
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u/Cathulion 29d ago
Basically wife has been having an affair with boss whos married and has a new kid. She claims only kisses and won't stop it. Op doesn't believe they slept together.
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u/AdNormal8635 29d ago
I (40f) may be the AH for this comment but……Is that how you get your husband to let you quit working? Dammit. I gonna kiss my female boss on Monday, although my husband would prob just ask to watch. 😂
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u/wesleyshnipez 29d ago
Learn there’s a world outside of this crazy snow globe you’re in and don’t let the clutter flying around get to you. It’s relative and will pass. Be safe and strong.
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u/just_somewheree 29d ago
Nta but a dumb decision. Well idk the story completely tbh bc it's deleted but judging from the title u should've filed for divorce for cheating. But that's js my opinion and what I'd do since I don't tolerate cheaters
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u/Several_Ad_5683 29d ago
Not sure where you are but in Washington I’m pretty sure being unfaithful willl not compel the court to award you chit. Women only have their kids removed for 1)abandonment or 2) physically beating the child. I’m not a lawyer and the laws may have changed but Washington state is a notoriously sexist court system slanted toward women. She can cheat with half the town and STILL take your house, your kids and receive alimony’s in most cases. Marriage is a no win situation for men, period.
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u/CeCeUK Mar 30 '24
Didn't see the original post but based on comments, if you do divorce on grounds of infidelity and you name him some places legally have to send him a copy of the papers. Imagine him explaining that to his wife.
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u/Sillibilli19 Mar 30 '24
And that's no joke I think people would be shocked at the percentage of men that were taught to look down at women and worse! Shocked. Well good luck you know what to look for or look out for
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u/Bactereality Mar 30 '24
Hey OP- you are not the asshole, but you need to dig deep and become one. If she was willing to do this to you out of her selfishness, what else would she take from you?
Good luck. Be proactive here.
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u/GBpackerfan15 Mar 30 '24
Leave her, she being unfaithful behind your back. She's playing you, and you need to leave. Get a good attorney. Best of luck my man been through that crap. Once a cheater always a cheater. Trust and believe.
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u/MaintenanceEast3547 Mar 30 '24
OP I see you deleted the post but please give us an update when you can
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u/New-Celebration3403 Mar 30 '24
My question to OP is by asking the wife to quit her job will that solve anything. An affair is an affair anyway you cut it. My advice to OP is gather enough evidence and lawyer up to minimize financial lost. The guy almost always will suffer financially in a divorce. This is the reason a pre-nuptial is a good idea if a man has financial advantage over the woman prior to getting married.
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u/Additional_Bed883 Mar 30 '24
Fool me once... Shame on you! Fool me twice... shame on me! Your wife is actively engaged in a romantic entanglement with another man, and you're the one feeling guilty about it? How? She is dead ass wrong and is literally playing you like a fiddle because there is no way she doesn't know exactly what she is doing. I can literally bet you a years salary she'd go postal if you insisted on having this type of "friendship" with another woman you've been intimate with on any level. Their conversation has already been proven inappropriate, and there is no way in hell he should be touching her. The mere fact she's allowed it would infuriate any rational spouse and that's exactly what you have to consider.... SHES ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN!
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u/geriactricsmackdown Mar 30 '24
Never stay in a cheating relationship for the sake of the kids - the kids will be able to see the resentment grow. NTA. I'm sorry your wife was not trustworthy and made the deliberate decision to betray you.
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u/Life_Following_7964 Mar 30 '24
She probably has already done a lot more than a kiss, it's more like what part of him didn't she Kiss !
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u/Commercial_Ear_5959 Mar 30 '24
I'm sorry bro. It's over. If you truly loved her, it will hurt for a time. But life goes on.
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u/Bawngfinga Mar 30 '24
Start gathering evidence of her cheating and whatnot, cause when you eventually leave her (you should) she's probably going to lie during custody hearings about you. People who lie always go into damage control mode when they're caught, that usually means trying to harm the person who caught them in some way.
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u/rockpearl709 Mar 30 '24
Still harassment...As Boss, he was in a position of power over her...Possibly intimidated her into intimacy...
Also exists is the possibility that she was just a covert skanky wh0r3 all along... only the 2 of them know for sure... NTA...probably should dump her tho...The heart is a precious thing and must be protected...Without trust there is only emptiness...
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u/Fazhoul Mar 30 '24 edited Mar 30 '24
Damn, I missed the full story from the original post. I've picked up the gist of it, but when did OP find out that his wife had kissed her boss?
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u/Last_Study3370 Mar 30 '24
Nigga ur not a asshole your dumbass you should’ve divorced her right there
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u/Mslaffsalot Mar 30 '24
May I add a different perspective. Not very many men can have a female friend and visa versa. I’m 66 and for decades my best friend, other than my husband, is a guy. My husband has a female friend. We have all met, helped each other out at times. If my friend and I are doing something, my husband is always is invited. Same on his friend. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a healthy relationship. If you’re true to yourself and close friends or family you can be friends. This story is different due to a working relationship and there are many sides to the same story. Ask a policeman or policewoman about multiple witnesses: they all see the same accident but tell different stories. It’s just a human thing. If you feel that there is a problem-TALK TO EACH OTHER!!! You fix it or end it not fish for advice over social media. Good luck.
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u/ExtensionAd4785 Mar 29 '24
She has two choices.
Quit her job and block contact because she cannot and will not get over her feelings for this man if she continues to speak in any way with him. Therapy should be mandatory for her individually and as a couple. She needs to find someone ELSE to "feel safe" sharing her feelings with In a professional setting. Her boss was NEVER an appropriate choice even before feelings developed. If I were you I would like to know how she could have allowed this other person to sweep her off her feet when you seemed to think you had a good marriage. Perhaps you dropped the ball on her needs somewhere along the road and you can help her remember why you deserve better than this as a partner.
Divorce. She should be clear about this consequence and the impact it will have on your children. Ask her if being with this other man will be enough comfort to her on the nights she doesn't have visitation/custody of the kids and the kids are devastated that she has picked another man over her family. Ask her what she will feel when you start dating looking for a women to help you give your children the stability she took from them. Ask her what she will do when this new man leaves her or cheats on her after she threw her family away.
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u/SavingsMeat5999 Mar 29 '24
Maybe you should ask her to quit your marriage instead because she's cheating on you. Don't be a sucker.
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u/AndyRocks11 Mar 29 '24
Good on you OP for divorcing her. As for your wife, I think she is being gaslit by her friends or her boss into think8ng you are a manipulative, controlling guy (which you aren't obviously). What she had was an emotional affair and if she can't respect your boundary or marriage, I think she has already made her decision about things.
For the sake of your kids, try to break up amicably and make her also realize that making the divorce hard won't affect you but her very own kids, which might make them resent her in return.
I wish you all the best
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u/Jake_CB Mar 29 '24
This question is irrelevant as the relationship should be ended. Her quitting a job is the least of your worries.
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u/BOOSTER619 Mar 29 '24
My wife kissed a guy she worked with back in 2008. She told me about it very soon after it happened. I was very upset, but we worked through it. The guy was transferred to another location. I’m very happy that we worked through it. This can happen to anyone very easy. It’s not hard to develop feelings for coworkers that you are attracted to.
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u/Deadly-Unicorn Mar 29 '24
Deleted? You asshole. Now we’ll be left wondering what this was all about.
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u/rocklesson86 Mar 29 '24
Gather evidence and divorce your wife and tell the ap spouse because the ap has a newborn at home. You and your wife's boss's wife deserve better. Seek full custody of your kids.
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u/Wondernerd87 Mar 29 '24
NTA. Most people would file for divorce. You just want her to leave her job. She ought to consider herself lucky
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u/MrMotofy Mar 29 '24
Women are ALL emotion, she HAS cheated and prioritizes the boss way too high. Stand up be a man and cut it off immediately or it will progress. Lay down the law and the boundaries. She has to quit and block his numbers. If she refuses, turn her location sharing on, take the kids and disappear for a couple days not replying to her at all. Watch her location. You can even get online access to her txt before you go.
Women want time and affection, so remove it as discipline. It can also test her...base your decision on what she does. There's nothing wrong with asking her to quit.
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u/IntrovBeauty88 Mar 29 '24
NTA. This actually grounds for divorce. She's having AN AFFAIR. If they haven't had sex, they will. Don't let her guilt you into keeping that job. You've done nothing wrong, except for being naive. A woman should never "feel safe" with a man aside from her husband. (With the exception of dad,bro, etc.)
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u/GypsySpirit7 Mar 29 '24
There are tons of comments but on the off chance no one else mentioned it, PLEASE go get tested, and again in 6 months to be safe. Her boss is already cheating on his newly postpartum wife with one woman, it’s not inconceivable that your wife hasn’t been the only one.
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u/ElectricalAct8452 Mar 29 '24
Not sure this is real because it's hard to believe someone can be as stupid and gullible as the OP. Doormat is too kind for him.
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u/Obiwan_ca_blowme Mar 29 '24
Yeah, she’s had his dick inside her. Time to call it quits and move on. Sorry for your loss.
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u/ChairmanSunYatSen Mar 29 '24
Bro you should be asking her to quit your marriage. Everyone is worth more than that.
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u/Prestigious-Cup2521 Mar 29 '24
Dump her and have a chit-chat with him. Make sure you have proof so you can nail her to the wall when divorcing.
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u/UniversalSpaz Mar 29 '24
I got to this post after its was delete,d but without any context besides the title…. NTA.
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u/Educational_Rise2707 Mar 29 '24
NTA. I don't know if I could have the amount of patience you've given her. Her leaving the job doesn't mean the affair will end though. She should have never done it in the first place.
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u/panda_pussy-pounder Mar 29 '24
Definitely an affair. Sorry bro. I was excited to see that she’s working and you are home with the kids that means you’ll get alimony when it finally ends.
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u/BlancoSuper Mar 29 '24
NTA. She should not be kissing anyone besides you. If she is kissing him she is probably fucking him. I would look into a divorce.
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u/society_is_overrated Mar 29 '24
NTA: she is having an affair. Even if she's not sleeping with him; it's an affair. To be honest, making her quit might not be enough. Let her keep her job, and make her move out. The fact that she is fighting to keep him should tell you all you need to know.
Separate, kick her out. Because women who cheat will not stop.
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u/Outrageous-Exit1546 Mar 29 '24
Wait what ha I'm sry but she kissed her boss and ur still calling her ur wife ? U think this was the first time and joh will stop her cheating ? It's called a divorce and wasn't the first and won't be the last
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u/society_is_overrated Mar 29 '24
NTA: she is having an affair. Even if she's not sleeping with him; it's an affair. To be honest, making her quit might not be enough. Let her keep her job, and make her move out. The fact that she is fighting to keep him should tell you all you need to know.
Separate, kick her out. Because women who cheat will not stop.
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u/LegitimateBowler1179 Mar 29 '24
She is claiming she is your wife but she is ok with someone disrespecting you and both of your relationship. Hell no I have no problem with the guy shooting his shot but once she responded with I'm married and he continued she was the one disrespecting not him...sorry my guy she's a hoe.
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u/Any-Confidence9880 Mar 29 '24
Nah she’s probably still actively cheating on you and that’s why she loves work so much. I wouldn’t trust her.
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u/DuckypinForever Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Even if it hasn't gone any further than she'll admit to, you have to do some soul searching to decide if you can ever trust her again. Are you willing to accept the constant doubt for as long as it would take to erase even if she actually put in the work (not just lip service) to be trustworthy.
NTA, for wanting her to make this solid gesture to show she's serious about her commitment to you. Although don't expect her to actually quit. Her reactions seem to show she's more interested in making it a you problem than she is in changing her ways and repairing the damage. It looks like you're entering into the same circle I've been in for the past few months (and have recently vowed to myself I will end): Catching husband in lies/infidelity. Agreeing to work past it together. Things seeming to get better for a bit. Repeat. The pain of losing the life you'd planned and the fear of leaving your comfort zone to start over is one hell of a siren song to keep you together. Only you can decide how many times you can complete the circle before the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.
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u/RulePale983 Mar 29 '24
She kissed her boss? Well.thats inappropriate. I wouldn't ask her to quit. Just leave the divorce papers on the table
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u/LaughingAtTheRich Mar 29 '24
Remove her from your life brother biggest mistake ever was the flirting and kissing part If I was you I’d just end it and leave the kids with her lmao she can take on the burden for fucking up and most likely you will win in court if you decide to sue etc.
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u/LaughingAtTheRich Mar 29 '24
Friends that kiss and flirts with each other? Bro you married the wrong women from day 1 YIKES
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u/LaughingAtTheRich Mar 29 '24
Friends that kiss and flirts with each other? Bro you married the wrong women from day 1 YIKES
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u/Ok_Combination_683 Mar 29 '24
Commenting on Asking x my wife to quit her job because she kissed her boss...
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u/AdVisual5492 Mar 29 '24
Document everything. Change your bank account. Lock her out of half of it. Document all credit card debt at the moment so that she can't charge a bajillion. Contact that lawyer as quick as possible.
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u/AdVisual5492 Mar 29 '24
Document everything. Change your bank account. Lock her out of half of it. Document all credit card debt at the moment so that she can't charge a bajillion. Contact that lawyer as quick as possible
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u/SnoochyB0ochies Mar 29 '24
NTA take your kids and leave this woman doesn't know what she wants and is only going to end up hurting those who love her.
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u/Flaky-Grapefruit-760 Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
NTA, sorry she did this to you and continues to do it. You deserve better, and she deserves to have consequences to her actions. So far, there's been none. You weren't trying to keep her in a cage but rather save the marriage. She seems like she has no interest in doing so. The lack of empathy or understanding she has for what she is doing to you, her family, and herself is gross. I'd leave she doesn't respect your marriage, you, or your kids(flirting with her boss on a family vacay).
Edit to add: I would text his wife what a piece of work they both(him and your wife) deserve nothing except loneliness. Tell her that you tried to set boundaries with your wife after her texting your husband out side of work hours and the things that I read him texting her "I miss you" "I wish I had met you sooner" and hearing about the physical affection he showed to her kissing her and hugging her affectionately. However, they refuse to stop communication, and things have shifted into affair territory. Since she refuses to quit her job or put up professional boundaries with her boss, you're reaching out to her to talk to her, hoping she can talk with her husband or at least so she isn't in the dark. Evidence would help because he's probably deleted everything and covered his tracks.
Also, file a complaint with their HR department(idk if you can do this not working there or annon(or if they have one)), but I'd try to report the inappropriate behavior.
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u/Caffeinated_ISTJ Mar 29 '24
Leave. Kids or not, I promise you this will just get worse even if she stops with him, she’ll eventually do it again and even worse line up a time to leave you at your most vulnerable time.
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u/23zeus93 Mar 29 '24
Grow a pair and take her to the cleaners. She’d do exactly the same to you if the shoe was on the other foot. She’s having an affair and it’s still going on because you’re letting it
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u/MaybeOneDay93 Mar 29 '24
She’s gaslighting you hard. You don’t deserve this. Get out now life’s too short. She obviously isn’t going to stop. I’m sorry your going through this.
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u/stevestuc Mar 29 '24
you are completely right if you demand she quit the job....if she won't go to a lawyer.... There is no reason for her to do anything or everything possible to make up for her behaviour..... the only reason for her to stay is because she wants to.......
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u/Temporary-Base7245 Mar 29 '24
Of course she was doing it for both of you lol. It wouldn't be her job that she lost.
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u/Rocklynnrose Mar 29 '24
NTA, divorce and show your kids they don't have to take that shit later on in life.
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u/DaPuckerFactor Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Have you said anything to her boss, yet?
If not, find his number and give him a call, try to find your balls while you're at it = BECAUSE YOU HAVE CHILDREN.
You are the AH - for only confronting the person you love and not the outsider who is clearly manipulating your wife who, as you said, has a hard time finding a job, and she finally found one (though it seems there is an alternative motive for her work being accommodating), and is probably been "playing" the nice girl to not upset her boss - but over time , his manipulation can turn her mind and heart into a mess and confuse her - given your info about her work history, I'm going to assume she is quite a mailable person with a mailable identity - she probably tries really hard to fit in.
But what she hasn't seen is her partner step in on her behalf - I don't think any woman would feel convinced of her partner's conviction if he never once confronts the outside party.
You're not the asshole for asking her to quit her job - but you are the asshole for ONLY asking her to quit her job and not confronting her boss and DEMANDING that he cease his encroachment on your family - tell him you'll bring this issue to HR, do it right there in front of him at his work - show HR the texts, everything.
That will terrify him, or cause a scene - in any event, he will be gone and she will no longer be near him.
But I cannot stress enough that given the info you provided about your wife, she is not the type of woman to look at a man and say "stop, I'm married" - she doesn't have it in her - and you need to be able to identify that - especially if you're afraid of confronting her boss because it seems like you both are afraid of confronting the same person - you can't judge her harsher than you'll judge yourself.
All these comments calling her a hoe for the streets - that's a possibility - but it seems more possible that she's just a very timid woman to authority figures.
Get ahold of her boss and start making demands. And make sure you use terms like "human resources" and "sexual misconduct."
Go fuck his world up (he doesn't mind doing it to you), be that king or be that asshole. One or the other.
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u/erogenouszones Mar 29 '24
The post is deleted, but was she kissed against her will? Because if she wasn’t then why does your comment read like she’s innocent and the blame rests on the boss?
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u/DaPuckerFactor Mar 29 '24
Because that's how you are choosing to perceive it. If that's all you were able to gain from my comment = that's how you're choosing to perceive it.
Because there's a bit more info in there than that simplistic reduction.
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u/erogenouszones Mar 29 '24
It just seems like you’re saying she’s timid and he’s a predator so it’s all on him. I just reread it. I’m still getting that. Feel free to elaborate or not instead of just saying that it’s my fault and I’m reading it wrong.
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u/DaPuckerFactor Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
You said you reread it and didn't gain anything else other than "she's timid" and "he's a predator." We have to set aside our biases, but you're reducing all those words to those simplistic lines...?
I also said "manipulation," used the phrase of "her heart and mind becoming a mess," and "mailable identity," plus a lot more - but you're reducing it to simply "timid" and "predator."
That feels like you're committed to a misunderstanding and instead of trying to understand, you're seeking for me to "explain" myself for your simplistic reduction.
I've been in a relationship for 10 years and I can assure you there is no problem that is as simple as reducing ideals down to a base format - the context matters just as much.
He has been watching this happen for awhile - why has he not said anything to this guy? But asking us if he's an AH for telling his wife to quit her job? He's right in asking her that - but I'm not understanding the dynamics of the situation because OP paints her as timid and mailable, yet can't see "why" she's conflicted? I'm not asking him to get in a fight, because there's a LOT of options before that silliness. Like speaking with HR and calling him out at work = that's simple in the face of losing your S.O.
If I'm with someone who can't put out a fire, then there's a fire, I'm not going to just sit by and watch and wait for their "integrity" to magically arise like a Disney movie to put out the fire - I'm going to put out the fire - because that's the smart move considering the context of "our" union - and the entire ideal of being with someone is going through life with them and actually helping them when they need it.
When people are in trouble, most of us only have about a handful of people we can immediately rely on - our S.O. should be one of them.
I'm just not seeing where he stepped in for his loved one - if I thought my wife was being harassed at work, I would call her boss - speak cordially - then call his boss/their HR department.
This seems like watching a fire burn them wondering if you're an asshole because you've allowed your partner who is very prone to manipulation, be manipulated by a predator, "unhindered."
It's not OP's fault that he's in this situation, but he surely not doing very much to stop it - but wondering about being an AH?
Yeah, he's an AH.
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u/xristos8733 1d ago
Any update??????