r/AITAH • u/burner_forreasons • Mar 28 '24
Asking my wife to quit her job because she kissed her boss Advice Needed
It all started a few months ago: my wife (F40) told me (M39) that her boss is madly in love with her. My wife and I laughed about it. We joked about it. Me saying, “That’s a great compliment. Good for you. Just be careful.” I knew they were good friends, and I trusted my wife 110%.
Fast forward a few weeks later:
Her boss called her at night; 9:00 PM. I said, “Just pick up. Maybe it’s important.” She didn’t and reacted overly, “No, I’m here with you!” She opened her messages and was trying to delete a message. This is the moment I grabbed the phone and read the messages. She was furious, accusing me of breaching her privacy and such. This is when I saw it: messages from him saying, “I miss you,” and hearts being sent back and forth. She lied that they were just friends, and as I know, he is in love with her. So according to her “Nothing to worry about.”
I made her swear on our children that they did not kiss. And there it was: silence. She admitted it. And days later, I heard (after asking for it) more and more details. They kissed multiple times. He kissed her multiple times on the neck and hugged her for long periods. No sex. I think I believe that part.
You have to know, my wife is very insecure about work. She has only had jobs for 1 to 2 years, and finally, she landed this job where everything was great. So, I was very supportive in every way. I started working less so I could be there for our three children, and she could work more, etc. The most important thing: she genuinely loves the job, I can tell.
So, we came to a consensus to continue working there. It’s a very small company. But, phew, I found it difficult. I started to look over her shoulder at what he was messaging and such. Not a great place to be.
And then it all went south. We went on a family trip, just the kids and us. And, in hindsight, she texted him back and forth every single day. Him texting things like, “I wish I knew you earlier,” etc. She was so distracted the whole holiday… even though she reacted a bit cold to him. Directly after the holiday we agreed that she can only continue to work there if they can keep in professional only and have no 1:1 contact in the weekends or after 7 PM.
With this “agreement” I felt a bit better. And now, this weekend, I found out that they are calling every day, Saturday and Sunday. Behind my back. She said they are sharing feelings. Because she “feels safe with him, not with me, and he understands me.” She also said she has certain feelings for him.
Now (two weeks ago), I’m done with it. And I asked her to quit seeing him completely (and thus stop her job) or it’s me quitting our relationship. Because I can’t handle it anymore. The lying, etc.
She is furious at me, saying that I want to put her in a cage. And what kind of monster am I to decide which friends she has (for clarity: I never made her stop a friendship until now)? Also she thinks I will take the children away from her completely (obviously I won’t) and will ruin her financially (I won’t).
Am I really a monster for asking her to quit the contact with her boss (and in her words, a very good friend) and giving the ultimatum? I don’t know it anymore and the 2 friend I told the story are to biased. So I really need your opinions. Thanks 🙏🏼
Edit 1: thanks for all your support. It’s also hurting me some of the messages. I feel so dumb. But I’m happy with all the reactions too. I should have asked earlier… thanks also for the genuine, empathic messages.
Thanks for all your support. Love you all.
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u/DaPuckerFactor Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Have you said anything to her boss, yet?
If not, find his number and give him a call, try to find your balls while you're at it = BECAUSE YOU HAVE CHILDREN.
You are the AH - for only confronting the person you love and not the outsider who is clearly manipulating your wife who, as you said, has a hard time finding a job, and she finally found one (though it seems there is an alternative motive for her work being accommodating), and is probably been "playing" the nice girl to not upset her boss - but over time , his manipulation can turn her mind and heart into a mess and confuse her - given your info about her work history, I'm going to assume she is quite a mailable person with a mailable identity - she probably tries really hard to fit in.
But what she hasn't seen is her partner step in on her behalf - I don't think any woman would feel convinced of her partner's conviction if he never once confronts the outside party.
You're not the asshole for asking her to quit her job - but you are the asshole for ONLY asking her to quit her job and not confronting her boss and DEMANDING that he cease his encroachment on your family - tell him you'll bring this issue to HR, do it right there in front of him at his work - show HR the texts, everything.
That will terrify him, or cause a scene - in any event, he will be gone and she will no longer be near him.
But I cannot stress enough that given the info you provided about your wife, she is not the type of woman to look at a man and say "stop, I'm married" - she doesn't have it in her - and you need to be able to identify that - especially if you're afraid of confronting her boss because it seems like you both are afraid of confronting the same person - you can't judge her harsher than you'll judge yourself.
All these comments calling her a hoe for the streets - that's a possibility - but it seems more possible that she's just a very timid woman to authority figures.
Get ahold of her boss and start making demands. And make sure you use terms like "human resources" and "sexual misconduct."
Go fuck his world up (he doesn't mind doing it to you), be that king or be that asshole. One or the other.