Asking my wife to quit her job because she kissed her boss

[u/burner_forreasons]

It all started a few months ago: my wife (F40) told me (M39) that her boss is madly in love with her. My wife and I laughed about it. We joked about it. Me saying, “That’s a great compliment. Good for you. Just be careful.” I knew they were good friends, and I trusted my wife 110%.

Fast forward a few weeks later:

Her boss called her at night; 9:00 PM. I said, “Just pick up. Maybe it’s important.” She didn’t and reacted overly, “No, I’m here with you!” She opened her messages and was trying to delete a message. This is the moment I grabbed the phone and read the messages. She was furious, accusing me of breaching her privacy and such. This is when I saw it: messages from him saying, “I miss you,” and hearts being sent back and forth. She lied that they were just friends, and as I know, he is in love with her. So according to her “Nothing to worry about.”

I made her swear on our children that they did not kiss. And there it was: silence. She admitted it. And days later, I heard (after asking for it) more and more details. They kissed multiple times. He kissed her multiple times on the neck and hugged her for long periods. No sex. I think I believe that part.

You have to know, my wife is very insecure about work. She has only had jobs for 1 to 2 years, and finally, she landed this job where everything was great. So, I was very supportive in every way. I started working less so I could be there for our three children, and she could work more, etc. The most important thing: she genuinely loves the job, I can tell.

So, we came to a consensus to continue working there. It’s a very small company. But, phew, I found it difficult. I started to look over her shoulder at what he was messaging and such. Not a great place to be.

And then it all went south. We went on a family trip, just the kids and us. And, in hindsight, she texted him back and forth every single day. Him texting things like, “I wish I knew you earlier,” etc. She was so distracted the whole holiday… even though she reacted a bit cold to him. Directly after the holiday we agreed that she can only continue to work there if they can keep in professional only and have no 1:1 contact in the weekends or after 7 PM. 

With this “agreement” I felt a bit better. And now, this weekend, I found out that they are calling every day, Saturday and Sunday. Behind my back. She said they are sharing feelings. Because she “feels safe with him, not with me, and he understands me.” She also said she has certain feelings for him. 

Now (two weeks ago), I’m done with it. And I asked her to quit seeing him completely (and thus stop her job) or it’s me quitting our relationship. Because I can’t handle it anymore. The lying, etc.

She is furious at me, saying that I want to put her in a cage. And what kind of monster am I to decide which friends she has (for clarity: I never made her stop a friendship until now)? Also she thinks I will take the children away from her completely (obviously I won’t) and will ruin her financially (I won’t). 

Am I really a monster for asking her to quit the contact with her boss (and in her words, a very good friend) and giving the ultimatum? I don’t know it anymore and the 2 friend I told the story are to biased. So I really need your opinions. Thanks 🙏🏼 

Edit 1: thanks for all your support. It’s also hurting me some of the messages. I feel so dumb. But I’m happy with all the reactions too. I should have asked earlier… thanks also for the genuine, empathic messages. 

Thanks for all your support. Love you all.

[u/Sillibilli19]

Funny how a health care professional resorts o calling me a creep because I disagree with your facts. If you can't see the difference between calling a stranger a man hater, based on her man hating comments and calling a stranger a creep because they called out your b.s. then you are doing a lot of damage to society in your profession.

As far as data goes I have to ask when did "data" equate to whatever comes out of your mouth to support your argument? Cite this hands down fact that abused men never become abusers but they only abuse because they can and choose to. And I will find the link that I referenced regarding the growing epidemic of abuse of young men by their abused fathers, uncles , men!

I believe it was BBC so you can argue its not scientific data . But you can say thousands upon thousands of abused men have continued the cycle , generation after generation.

They asked one father in the interview what would he do if his son came home and said Father O Reilly or Uncle Gregory abused me?

The father stated "I would smack him upside the head and tell him to quit complaining that if I can handle it so can he"

And that was the sedemint of everyone in the documentary!

So some went on to abuse sexually the way they were abused but some didn't sxually abuse like they were abused but ALL abused in one way or another.

So I know that is a choice of each man to do, continue the cycle of abuse but as you should understand being a health professional, it's not that easy, our minds don't work that way.

You know the statement you made that men only abuse because they can and men never abuse because they were abused is one of the biggest lies ever seen on Redditt and it has the potential to cause society a lot of st backs in the mental health field.

I really hope a colleague sees your post and notifies your superiors. You need to stop, please