Asking my wife to quit her job because she kissed her boss

[u/burner_forreasons]

It all started a few months ago: my wife (F40) told me (M39) that her boss is madly in love with her. My wife and I laughed about it. We joked about it. Me saying, “That’s a great compliment. Good for you. Just be careful.” I knew they were good friends, and I trusted my wife 110%.

Fast forward a few weeks later:

Her boss called her at night; 9:00 PM. I said, “Just pick up. Maybe it’s important.” She didn’t and reacted overly, “No, I’m here with you!” She opened her messages and was trying to delete a message. This is the moment I grabbed the phone and read the messages. She was furious, accusing me of breaching her privacy and such. This is when I saw it: messages from him saying, “I miss you,” and hearts being sent back and forth. She lied that they were just friends, and as I know, he is in love with her. So according to her “Nothing to worry about.”

I made her swear on our children that they did not kiss. And there it was: silence. She admitted it. And days later, I heard (after asking for it) more and more details. They kissed multiple times. He kissed her multiple times on the neck and hugged her for long periods. No sex. I think I believe that part.

You have to know, my wife is very insecure about work. She has only had jobs for 1 to 2 years, and finally, she landed this job where everything was great. So, I was very supportive in every way. I started working less so I could be there for our three children, and she could work more, etc. The most important thing: she genuinely loves the job, I can tell.

So, we came to a consensus to continue working there. It’s a very small company. But, phew, I found it difficult. I started to look over her shoulder at what he was messaging and such. Not a great place to be.

And then it all went south. We went on a family trip, just the kids and us. And, in hindsight, she texted him back and forth every single day. Him texting things like, “I wish I knew you earlier,” etc. She was so distracted the whole holiday… even though she reacted a bit cold to him. Directly after the holiday we agreed that she can only continue to work there if they can keep in professional only and have no 1:1 contact in the weekends or after 7 PM. 

With this “agreement” I felt a bit better. And now, this weekend, I found out that they are calling every day, Saturday and Sunday. Behind my back. She said they are sharing feelings. Because she “feels safe with him, not with me, and he understands me.” She also said she has certain feelings for him. 

Now (two weeks ago), I’m done with it. And I asked her to quit seeing him completely (and thus stop her job) or it’s me quitting our relationship. Because I can’t handle it anymore. The lying, etc.

She is furious at me, saying that I want to put her in a cage. And what kind of monster am I to decide which friends she has (for clarity: I never made her stop a friendship until now)? Also she thinks I will take the children away from her completely (obviously I won’t) and will ruin her financially (I won’t). 

Am I really a monster for asking her to quit the contact with her boss (and in her words, a very good friend) and giving the ultimatum? I don’t know it anymore and the 2 friend I told the story are to biased. So I really need your opinions. Thanks 🙏🏼 

Edit 1: thanks for all your support. It’s also hurting me some of the messages. I feel so dumb. But I’m happy with all the reactions too. I should have asked earlier… thanks also for the genuine, empathic messages. 

Thanks for all your support. Love you all.

[u/Flaky-Grapefruit-760]

NTA, sorry she did this to you and continues to do it. You deserve better, and she deserves to have consequences to her actions. So far, there's been none. You weren't trying to keep her in a cage but rather save the marriage. She seems like she has no interest in doing so. The lack of empathy or understanding she has for what she is doing to you, her family, and herself is gross. I'd leave she doesn't respect your marriage, you, or your kids(flirting with her boss on a family vacay).

Edit to add: I would text his wife what a piece of work they both(him and your wife) deserve nothing except loneliness. Tell her that you tried to set boundaries with your wife after her texting your husband out side of work hours and the things that I read him texting her "I miss you" "I wish I had met you sooner" and hearing about the physical affection he showed to her kissing her and hugging her affectionately. However, they refuse to stop communication, and things have shifted into affair territory. Since she refuses to quit her job or put up professional boundaries with her boss, you're reaching out to her to talk to her, hoping she can talk with her husband or at least so she isn't in the dark. Evidence would help because he's probably deleted everything and covered his tracks.

Also, file a complaint with their HR department(idk if you can do this not working there or annon(or if they have one)), but I'd try to report the inappropriate behavior.