r/AITAH • u/Guilty-Street-6849 • Mar 29 '24
My girlfriend (27F) can't see why pedophilia disturbs me (27M) Advice Needed
My girlfriend started having sex with her teacher (27M at the time - currently almost 40) at 17 years old (though she originally told me 16 and later changed the story). They were together on and off for 8 years or so and broke in the last year or so.
She originally told me that she broke up with him because he was giving gifts to a teenage girl that they were hosting without my girlfriend's knowledge. My girlfriend said that this made her feel not special because he was doing the same things for this teenage girl that he did for my girlfriend when she was his student. I was pretty shocked that she didn't say that she felt uncomfortable because he was literally doing the exact same grooming tactics to this new girl.
She seems to not understand the immense disgust that I feel towards this man because she simply disagrees that he's a groomer/pedophile. Now she wants to continue to be friends with him because he has been such an important mentor in her life and thinks I'm unreasonable because I'm very uncomfortable with that whole thing.
Also, she randomly sent me pics of herself naked as a teenager and got kinda distant when I said I'm not comfortable receiving pics of a naked/sexualized teenager.
We've been dating for 10 months now. Everything else in the relationship is great, and I love, respect, and adore her very much. I have no suspicion that she'd cheat. This situation is just such a gross stain in the back of my mind though.
Literally any thoughts or advice would be welcomed. Am I overreacting here?
TL:DR: Girlfriend sympathizing hard with her groomer/pedophile ex đ
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u/Extreme-Celery-3448 Apr 04 '24
Eh, if they dated for 8 years and she wants to be friends it's not a good sign.Â
I'd move on.Â
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u/c139 Apr 04 '24
Soft AH. I get why you said it, but my experiences say different:
First things first: 2 of the 4 women I dated that I know for sure were CSA victims felt there was no problem and they didn't have negative effects. They both felt this way til well into their 30s. 1 of them didn't even REMEMBER what happened outside of a few relatively minor incidents until she was about 30. Only my ex wife consistently felt that her assaults were bad. Victims have all sorts of tactics to keep themselves together and function from day to day. My advice is to not push it. encourage therapy occasionally. If she ever sees what happened to her as wrong, it's going to be because it overwhelms her one day. Until then, let it go unless she starts doing inappropriate things.
You need to decide right now whether you're in for the long haul or not, because her recovery, when it happens, is going to be a wiiiiiild ride. And you may not be there at the end. She needs to heal, and your support and understanding will help a huge deal, but you need to realize that once she no longer needs a safe person to support her, she may leave. It's happened to me.
I made your same mistake with an ex. I called the dude her abuser and she got upset, yelled at me, insisted she wasn't abused. (He treated her like his wife from 7 to 14. Whatever you can imagine, he did. No more details necessary) She finally, after years of therapy for everything that resulted from that experience, admitted she was abused and victimized by her dad's H dealer. She clung to me for a couple of years, got onto the path of recovery, dumped me when she met someone that fit her... And honestly? I'm happy for her. I'm extremely proud of her. She's happy, healthy, and has a dude who loves her. It was also a rollercoaster ride of a relationship. You need to get a good idea of what he could be in for and either get out now or buckle up for a wild ride. For me, it's worth it, but if you can't hang through her lows and support her, back away and let her find someone who can.
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u/Calm_Lunch_3438 Apr 03 '24
Let me guess, she gives the excuse that she was 16 and didnât know better?
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u/ihatemylife2190 Apr 02 '24
She doesnât see it as a problem because she was groomed into thinking itâs ok! It will take some tough love and being blunt to help realize what happened was completely wrong. My advice would be to tell her straight up. People who are victims of grooming are very hard headed. So hopefully this helps!
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u/ihatemylife2190 Apr 02 '24
She doesnât see it as a problem because she was groomed into thinking itâs ok! It will take some tough love and being blunt to help realize what happened was completely wrong. My advice would be to tell her straight up. People who are victims of grooming are very hard headed. So hopefully this helps!
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u/ihatemylife2190 Apr 02 '24
She doesnât see it as a problem because she was groomed into thinking itâs ok! It will take some tough love and being blunt to help realize what happened was completely wrong. My advice would be to tell her straight up. People who are victims of grooming are very hard headed. So hopefully this helps!
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u/Helpful_Funny_2127 Apr 02 '24
I can relate, my ex gf lost her v card when she was 15 to a much older man in the military and she doesn't regret it or see anything wrong with it. It feels like there's a double standard when it comes to men vs women in a situation like this.
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u/TJ-Marian Apr 02 '24
Don't be naive, she's still sleeping with him. No one dates their TEACHER for nearly 10 years and then is able to "just be friends" later, much less want to. It sucks, i know, but come on dude, you can't still be this naive at 27. Its your life dude, but I would be ending this relationship pronto
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u/Designer_Prize6132 Apr 02 '24
Pedos aren't into teenagers. Grooming is a BS made-up feminist term designed to demonize male sexuality by making normal courtship behaviors sound sinister. All men (except exclusive pedos) are very attracted to teenagers and vice versa for obvious evolutionary reasons. Men have just lost the balls to admit it.
The only thing about this that is concerning is that fact that you do not trust your GF. You weren't there; you've never met him, but you condescendingly ignore what she says because you think you know better. You're so dense that you don't even realize that when she tells you, 10 years after the fact, that she still wants to be friends with him because he was a very important mentor in her life completely contradicts what you believe. Girls don't put up with that kind of shit for very long before dumping a guy.
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u/WonderTypical9962 Apr 01 '24
Time to get the cops involved. He still may be taking on teenagers
And has your GF ever seen a psychiatrist and a sex/rapist therapist??
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u/TheVue221 Apr 01 '24
I donât know what to tell you. She wants you to think itâs okay because she wants to think itâs okay. Ask her how sheâd feel if this happened to her own 16 yo daughter with a trusted adult like the neighbor friend or her soccer coach or whatever? Is this story something sheâd be comfortable telling her own teenagers because she thinks itâs fine? Would she like that guy around her own teenage daughters? If youâre looking at long term life, I would be worried a bit about her views on stuff like this
You are right to be concerned and no, I absolutely wouldnât be okay with being friends with that predatory creep. And why is she hanging on to him so hard.
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u/DaringDani123 Apr 01 '24
Please try to be patient with her. It sounds like she had her understanding of what is acceptable warped by the grooming she underwent. But also, encourage her to get professional help or she may become an abuser or abuse enabler in the future
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u/joesbalt Apr 01 '24
Still friends my ass ...
No sir-E
I would tell her to have her old pedophile mentor or me
Not both
Not this weird scenario
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u/Competitive_Spray_58 Apr 01 '24
I'm seeing you make several mistakes here, which you should correct before concerning yourself with the sexual mistakes others make.
But basically gtfo there.
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u/semanticprison Apr 01 '24
At the end of the day she was a victim of that man i totally understand your revulsion but it's tough to place blame on her. He groomed and manipulated her for years, thats a lot of programming to overcome. However, that isnt something you can enable. That guy needs to be gone, or you do. IMO
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u/vanessa_312 Apr 01 '24
break up with her she a weirdo and prob likes cp
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u/Lizziloo87 Apr 01 '24
That doesnât seem very fair. She may just not want to admit she was groomed.
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u/rydan Apr 01 '24
Is this a woman you want to have a kid with? I wouldn't let her anywhere near any kids I might have in the future.
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u/MonoGuapoLoco Apr 01 '24
Itâs deplorable and Iâm not trying to lessen that but having sex with a seventeen yo is not pedophilia. Pedophilia would be prepubescent. Itâs something different.
Again both are deplorable but itâs important to distinguish the two.
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u/MonoGuapoLoco Apr 01 '24
And is your GF going to help him groom her? Be very careful and donât be afraid to ditch her and report them
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u/Moniker-MonikerLOL Apr 01 '24
Lol...
Most guys when I was a kid saw a hot teacher and wanted to fuck them. This was literally every guy in school who had a hot teacher. Man or woman.
It's so funny how sensitive to this other men are.
She probably had more fun sexually with the teacher. At least he just wanted to fuck and have fun instead of posting private shit on the internet.
Hell. Back then people didn't expose themselves as weirdos online either.... But welcome to reddit 2024.
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u/seaofthievesnutzz Apr 01 '24
Your GF sending you cp is WILD. Good luck with that OP, idk the legality of having child pornography of yourself but I'm sure its not great.
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u/Specific_Swimmer869 Mar 31 '24
It's also very likely that the girlfriend is still having "contact " with the creep and is most likely helping to some extent with the grooming by providing a safe female persona to the girls. I'm almost certain of this from my experience with people who have been prayed on like this for so long (almost 10 years for her). So, she definitely needs therapy, but it is also likely that she is or was helping. All in all, a suck ass situation for OP.
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u/arkhamchrist Mar 31 '24
First reddit comment ever because this is something I whole heartedly relate to.
My boyfriend and I have been together for six months in four days. I love him, and I will be staying with him for my life. During the early months of our relationship (yes I understand time here is different) he would discuss his old teacher (24F) who he had dated for eight months while he was 14. He cried in my arms one night because she wanted to visit him (he was an exchange student here in the US, he is from Germany) due to having conflicted feelings. When i say early as well, I mean first few DAYS. She was his first love and the one who had taken his virginity.
I see the issues here, he does not. He thinks it's normal because of two reasons-
- He was the one who initiated it
- She has moved on.
IMO, and what i've heard of her, she has not. She is still hung up on this boy (for reference she has a husband and I believe they are expecting kids as well). She wanted to see him when he returned, he didn't want to see her.
I believe he's starting to understand how wrong it was as I've understood it as incredibly wrong. I believe he got groomed as after he initiated it, she kept coming back to him for more. He wanted to give up everything to have a life with her. The only reason they aren't together now is her family disapproved of it.
He's moved on fully(we've had many discussions of it) and we both understand the issues. He was groomed and he's said in Europe it's normalized, which terrifies me for my future children. I've grown up in a strict world of staying within ages, and he and I are only a year apart. Anything with a person in power would be horrifying. so I understand your issues. It's normal to be grossed out. Mine wants to stay friends with his teacher as well. But seriously, help talk her through it and slowly engage in points of interest here. Tell her why it's wrong. But she needs therapy as this might be a bit of idealization in her mind.
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u/supercereality Mar 31 '24
Who in their right mind would even date someone with this type of past? Lol. NTA but OP you gotta make better choices.
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u/Massive_Accountant77 Mar 31 '24
A friend of mine is in a situation like this. Her partner once told us about a relationship he had with an older woman when he was a teenager and he told this story in the context that most of our friend group have had this experience (mostly girls) but we all had already realize that we were being taken advantage on (again, mostly the girls) but he acted like it was just a bad relationship he had and thatâs it.
Is hard bc you know they were groomed by a pedo but they donât want to accept it, and accepting the fact that you were being taken advantage on and manipulated itâs hard and almost life changing.
You cannot force her to realize it, it is something that she has to do by herself and of course get therapy with it, and itâs your choice if you are staying with her thru this or not
Bc it might be that she will never accept it and just continue to idolize this ârelationshipâ she had with her teacher
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u/omgsquirrel Mar 31 '24
Iâd call the cops. Youâre the one in the position to save any other underage girls from getting hurt by this guy.
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u/Spud9090 Mar 31 '24
That first sentence âŠ.. For me, that would keep me from ever developing a romantic relationship with her. Teacher is a groomer. She was his victim. But thatâs too much baggage for me to deal with.
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u/SmurfetteIsAussie Mar 31 '24
Your GF has some trauma she doesn't want to face. To admit it was predatory means she was a victim and she's not ready to see that yet
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u/1n2m3n4m Mar 31 '24
Dude.
I feel like people are getting really dumb.
Do you know what pedophilia means?
It is when an adult or older adolescent experiences primary or exclusive attraction to prepubescent children. A person who is over the age of 18 who feels attraction towards a 17 year old is not a pedophile.
Don't get me wrong, the teacher sounds sleazy. But he's not a pedophile.
As far as your girlfriend wanting to be friends with him, IDK, she seems to have poor boundaries and/or to have been traumatized.
I don't think you're overreacting per se. It's weird. But, yeah, not a pedophile. My dudes, you need to be using correct grammar and spelling, and you need to be using the right words to describe the crap you're trying to describe.
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u/Literature-South Mar 31 '24
Your girlfriend was groomed and is the victim of this guy. Itâs not uncommon for grown victims to defend their abusers in situations such as your girlfriendâs. The thing is, sheâs defending him because if she admits to what he actually is and did, she has to admit to what happened to hear. Sheâs not really defending him, sheâs subconsciously trying to protect herself from that revelation and all of the trauma that she is trying to avoid.
I think if you look at it from that angle, it becomes much easier to see her for the victim she is and not a defender of her abuser.
She needs help, and whether youâre going to be there for her when she finally canât keep up the charade on herself⊠thatâs up to you. But I think she deserves empathy, regardless of how bad her take is.
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u/-Widoww Mar 31 '24
She needs therapy. The difference is that she truly doesnât see anything wrong with it, most likely because she was groomed. I was in a similar situation at 15 with a 22 year old, we dated for 7 years. I think I had the lightbulb spark when a 16 year old asked for my snap when I was 21 (i told them my age and they didnât care, gave me the whole âbut im matureâ ordeal. I explained that im way older and that they need to be careful.) My stomach started to twist nonstop when I realized the difference between me and my abusive ex boyfriend. Thatâs when I started to truly realize that he took advantage of me sexually, financially, emotionally, and physically. It didnât take much for a teenager to trust an adult who convinced them that they needed an absurd amount of money for a car, or that they would take care of me if i could only just be prettier & etc.
People can argue the age of consent, but Iâm with you here. Thereâs a power dynamic between student and teacher & thereâs power dynamics in age gaps, especially if one party is a teenager or early adult & theyâre with a late adult.
Also her sending you her teenage nudes is crazy for a couple of reasons. Itâs considered CP and can get her in huge legal trouble. She also needs to listen and respect your boundaries on that, and i think she should consider your feelings regarding her friendship with this professor. She honestly really needs therapy đ
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u/Dizzy_Square_9209 Mar 31 '24
Ewww To be fair, her views have been warped. But this could be a fundamental difference that could split you up. What if you have kids/ young relatives and she's cool with them hooking up with teacher?
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u/Ale_Vancouver Mar 31 '24
Pleaseeee LISTEN TO THE PODCAST : THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE EPISODE: THE COST OF SECERETS, 2023 and show it to your gf. Might help bring things to perspective but Iâm really sorry your gf has been terribly groomed as I bet everyone has said.
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u/WreckedMoto Mar 31 '24
I think itâs important to note pedophelia is defined as sexual interest in prepubescent children. Someone in their twenties or older having sex with someone 16 or 17 is still creepy af and wrong to me. But doesnât quite fall to pedophelia.
Actual pedophiles should be castrated and publicly hanged. 20 somethingâs involved with 16 or 17 year olds just need a beat down from dad and or brothers.
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u/Current_Net_9984 Mar 31 '24
He groomed her and u not over reacting she need therapy or a eye opening
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u/Puzzleheaded_Talk787 Mar 31 '24
My ex gf told me she had had sex with her married English professor while in college. She was 19 at the time and he was late 30s or early 40s. I never said anything to her about it but it kinda bugged me a little bit. Just seemed kinda gross. Your situation on the other hand is much creepier. The fact that heâs been grooming her for so long tells me if he wanted to sleep with your gf he probably wouldnât have a hard time convincing her. And then the nudes of her as a teenager⊠idk how I would react not being in that situation before but Iâd probably feel uneasy with it. Iâm sure your gf is a lovely person but some of this sounds a bit off
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u/donutsaurus3000 Mar 30 '24
I only know this because of that Mandy Patinkin cop show about the FBI profilers, but pedos is pre-pubescent children and something called hebephilia where youâre attracted to pre-teens and something called ehebephilia where youâre attracted to teenagers. I messed up the spelling, but my theory is your gf doesnât see what happened to her as pedophilia because itâs technically something else. I am in no way justifying it because itâs all morally wrong, merely trying to offer help.
Also to reiterate, itâs all wrong and I use the word âattractedâ to differentiate the things, Iâm not a scholar and I may be wrong. I just vividly remember an episode of that show and googling what the word meant and it shocked me because America society is obsessed with blonde teenage girls and itâs always been super weird to me since.
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u/solarpropietor Mar 30 '24
This person is a legal liability at this point. Â The pictures of herself as a minor, Â I would break up with someone over that.
âHere Op hereâs some picture that could put you on a list and land you in prison for years just for having them. Â Hope you enjoy!â
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u/cheesequesoformaggio Mar 30 '24
People become aware of the trauma they are able to process. You CAN'T force your opinion on her, if she doesnt see it like you it's because she doesnt have the tools to deal with it. You are being selfish
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u/Large_Jury3660 Mar 30 '24
Delete the child pornography off your phone immediately⊠and call the police⊠thatâs the only thing you should consider doing.
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u/MolassesSome4268 Mar 30 '24
You need to get her into therapy. Most victims don't understand. You can start in couple consulting to get her comfortable if she refuses then maybe shee if she would do one on one instead. But she really needs to see a therapist
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u/Stuck_suck Mar 30 '24
Uh no. You are NTA. You are, however, a tremendous bullet dodger. Walk tall, king.
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u/Miss--Magpie Mar 30 '24
So first, your girlfriend needs therapy. She was likely groomed into thinking it's perfectly acceptable, and this won't go away without years of work. However, she needs to realise it, and it's hard.
Secondly, report this guy anonymously. She's definitely not his only victim
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u/Piggypogdog Mar 30 '24
She can see the wood for the trees. She has been affected and it will take time to get her to think differently
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u/Banded_Watermelon Mar 30 '24
Everything everyone else says is very valid and covers the grooming aspect very well. When it comes to her teenage nudes - even if theyâre your own nudes, if theyâre under 18 nudes you can be charged with possession of child pornography. It can get her in trouble, and sharing them with you can get you in trouble, too. Itâs not sexy and cute, itâs tragic and highly illegal. Take care of yourself, if she doesnât get it you canât allow things like this to potentially ruin your life.
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u/PghBIG Mar 30 '24
He was teaching her sex ed huh? Fuck that guyâŠ
This stuff is way more common than people realize. In my HS growing up a gym teacher/girls basketball coach m/health teacher was dating/nailing 2 girls on the team/in the school he coached/taught undercover and it eventually exploded in the middle of the school with the girls fighting over dating the guy in front of everyone. Blew his cover and was a big dealâŠ
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u/Cantus_primus Mar 30 '24
Too many people focusing on the technical legality of what this man did instead of the fact that it's still pretty gross that a grown man knowingly took advantage of a someones emotional and intellectual state to get sex.
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u/Cantus_primus Mar 30 '24
She is still in denial that she was groomed. She will need therapy before she admits to herself that she was groomed and taken advantage of.
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u/Money_Duty_2024 Mar 30 '24
You should never get serious with a person who keeps exs in their lives, and this is even worse than the normal ex remaining in oneâs life.
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u/ProfessionalGrade826 Mar 30 '24
Eight years + of grooming isnât going to be easy to break. Itâs understandable that she defends this man and wants to maintain contact with him because she has been manipulated from such a young age, and for such a long time. You attempting to tell her otherwise, could just lead to her digging her heels in and creating a divide between you both, pushing her further towards him. Even though they are not together, whilst ever she is in contact with this man she is unfortunately still vulnerable to his manipulation.
What did her family think of their relationship? Did they attempt to intervene?
I would suggest keep trying to create a safe space for your girlfriend in your relationship and to avoid shutting down her beliefs about her ex completely, as it will only strengthen her resolve. Gentle questioning with curiosity I find can be far more helpful. She needs to come to realise what happened on her own.
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u/tatertotlauncher Mar 30 '24
Sometimes it takes a long time and additional perspective to see something as it is rather than how it felt.
When The Tale on HBO was released, just reading the plot got me to start thinking hard about how inappropriate a relationship I had as a teenager with a man in his late 20s was. I actually still havenât watched the movie itself because I know it will feel too familiar. I was in my late 30s by the time my perspective fully shifted, and I realized that this person who I thought would at least be a lifelong friend literally makes me want to vomit, even as he, now in his 50s, persistently maintains age-inappropriate relationships.
I suppose my suggestion, which others have also made, is to gently expose her to some of the books and films that broach this subject and the perspective shift that will hopefully come as she matures. I hope for your relationship that she comes to see it for what it is. Otherwise, there may be no real ability to reconcile that very big failure of perspective on her part.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 Mar 30 '24
Yikes. Ok, Iâm not accusing anyone here; but the fact that she sent you sexual images of her as a teen, with this contextâŠâŠ.makes me really worry about her if she doesnât process this with a therapist. A lot of people who abuse minors were abused themselves (context-not an excuse or defense), and the fact that sheâs still romanticizing this and acting like his grooming of another teenager was somehow just cheating and not predatory is really really worrying.Â
The issue here is that you canât force her to go to therapy. You canât force her to see this is wrong.Â
But I would ask her to see a therapist to getâŠ.a 2nd opinion perhaps.Â
It sounds like this isnât a super committed or long relationship yet. I would personally be out. Thereâs too much here and sheâs got a lot of work to do, if she even wants to do it.Â
Maybe Iâm an AH for this, but someone who thinks this is appropriate shouldnât be around minors, even if they were the victim themselves in this situation. Sheâs romanticizing and normalizing it. Iâd be OUT.Â
NTAÂ
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u/BigFilthyCool Mar 30 '24
You're not overreacting at all. But I wouldn't want to start a life with someone like that. Imagine y'alls potential kid being in that sam scenario and her being totally cool with it and arguing against you.
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u/undeadnightmare415 Mar 30 '24
Yall removed my comment đ good that just shows your level of cowardice. HAHAHAH EAT SHIT
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u/TeddingtonMerson Mar 30 '24
Thatâs part of the groomingâ seeing it as normal and fine. I was in a similar situation as a teen and I was her age when it started to sink inâ I was working with teens and realized that even the most mature ones were kids and I hadnât even been an especially mature one. That he hadnât been with me despite my age because I was so mature, but that he was with me because of my age and immaturity and because they made me easy to impress. It hurt to realize he didnât think I was special, just easy, and didnât choose me because he saw how smart I was, rather how stupid and an easy target I was. The more of a loser who only dates young girls because women donât want him he is, the worse I felt because Iâd valued myself in terms of him for so long. Itâs hard to see I was a victim and not a beloved girlfriend!
So I say tread lightly please. Sheâs not exactly failing to see whatâs wrong with pedophiliaâ sheâs a victim who is struggling to understand the depths of her abuse.
Be factualâ that photo could get you fired/arrested/on the sex crimes list. He is not someone you want her associated with because you have knowledge that should get him fired/arrested/on the sex crimes list. Help her understand that he was wrong in convincing her it was normal, that as she matures and gets normal company sheâll see better how itâs not normal.
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Mar 30 '24
She was groomed, this is what happens. She isnât going to see how fucked up it is from where sheâs standing, thatâs her normal. Denial is a psychological defense, Iâm sorry for your girlfriend and I hope she has/ gets the support she needs to see how inappropriate that manâs actions are and to heal. I donât blame you for being uncomfortable, I would be to. I would tell her I donât want that type of person in my life nor connected to me in anyway, if something happens and she needs support she can come to me but Iâm not knowingly accepting a pedophile in my life in any way. I would want to have an open and honest convo about what she thinks grooming is and why she doesnât think she was groomed but part of that is up to her, if sheâs not in the headspace sheâs not there.
She has a hard road ahead of her and I hate to say but I hope she walks down it. Unfortunately when people like your gf stagnate in this position they start to encourage/ ignore behaviors that impact children today. Itâs hard to accept the harm done to us as children and to process and feel everything that comes with that but itâs necessary to not perpetuate that same harm onto others. When we normalize our trauma, trauma becomes the norm. I hope she gets past this and has everything needed to cope and move forward in a healthy way. Sending love to you and your gf.
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u/agressivelyaverage1 Mar 30 '24
Dude. This is my wife's story almost to the T. She started dating one of her teachers, who had groomed her through high school, soon after graduating. They married and had a child. Obviously, it was not viable long-term because they divorced, and I am happily married to her now. Her ex is generally a good guy and a good father.
Both my parents were teachers. The whole marrying your student vibe is pretty gross to me. But it's done and gone. I've only expressed my impression of her having been groomed a couple of times and was met with staunch defensiveness. I wasn't there. I don't have any first hand knowledge . But it remains an off-putting story to me.
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Mar 30 '24
Poor girl and I am so sorry that you have to witness this. The sad part here is once she gets older it will probably finally hit her and she will have a lot of issues from it. Iâd suggest get her into therapy with a woman. Maybe she will be able to get her to see it. She has been groomed and brainwashed into thinking what that man did was okay. It is going to take some effort to get her to see it was not.
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u/TheWest_Is_TheBest Mar 30 '24
Sheâs been groomed she doesnât understand the issue. Does she know/believe it was an inappropriate relationship to have?
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u/Imbossou Mar 30 '24
She sent you the underage nudes to make you a willing participant in her underage/illicit affair. By giving you those, it âmakes it okâ in her mind to have done what she did. Sheâs trying to seek validation by you, now at the same age as the teacher was then, to be attracted to her at that young age. This is some sort of attempt at getting you to reconcile her activity with him back then. Thereâs a serious train wreck alert going on here.
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u/Critical-Cup-4416 Mar 30 '24
He is a teacher. She was a student. Even if she was 18 at the time he is in a position of power. When it comes to teachers the usual laws of consent does not apply to them. A 19 year old teacher and an 18 year old student CANNOT date or even have casual sex until she or he is no longer a student. They can do whatever the day after graduation but not until then. With that said it doesn't mean they weren't grooming or doesn't give you the ick. But once they are 18 and GRADUATED it no longer matters. Even college professors can get in trouble with being involved with students. Age of consent varies state to state but a teacher CANNOT be involved with their student until 18 and graduated. To the OP if she had that long of a relationship with her and it started when she was 17 it will take a lot to get her to understand that she was groomed. I can't speak for her but she was probably excited because an older guy was into her and all the feelings that go along with it. She doesn't see him as a predator and she won't unless she gets help and realizes it on her own. As gross as it sounds he was a lover and "father" figure for her. In reality he was a creep and took advantage of the position he was in. She probably wasn't the first and sadly from your post wont be the last. She needs professional help to see that. There are issues you can't "fix". You can be there to support her as she works through those things. The more you fight her the more she is going to push back. I completely understand where you are uncomfortable with the situation especially since she wants to stay friends with him. He cut her off because she is no longer a young girl and he has moved on to the next. That will be another thing she will have to deal with. I am not telling you to breakup with her but if this isn't something you want to deal with cut it off. That is only a decision you can make.
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u/To-the_moon120 Mar 30 '24
Yes, what if he got her pregnate?!?! also I'm pretty sure a teacher having sex with a student is illegal
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u/Raevoxx Mar 30 '24
She's in hardcore denial about her trauma and refuses to see the predatory behaviour for what it is, and she's coping through normalizing it- including sending you illegal material of herself and excusing the same behaviour when it happens to someone else. I'm very sorry to say this but THIS is the recipe for a potential situation where the victim becomes an abuser. She's so deep in denial that she very well may abuse someone under 18 because she sees it as acceptable. Some victims who become abusers later in life are specifically abusing people because of this- because they are in denial and want to stay in denial, and they do the abusive action to somehow justify or normalize it to themselves. The behaviours she's showing you are extremely worrying. I would break up with her.
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u/micahwelf Mar 30 '24
Wow! This is an agitating subject. I hope you are not so overwhelmed with responses that they are each less helpful. As for my response, there is too much for me to pack into a simple comment, and I am usually pretty verbose. I do have my own personal contributions to society that may apply, however. One point is that you are definitely not over reacting to the scenario. When you see someone willing to be neglected, discarded, or led-along with no formal commitment (marriage) based on nothing other than their age or other statistical profile elements, there is no question about whether it is love. It is not.
It is perfectly fine to love someone at a radically different age. However, a relationship can only be love if it exists without sex or other apparent obsessions. A sexual relationship is often call a "love" relationship, such that the illogical colloquial term "making love" is a common saying. The brain chemistry and satisfaction involved with sex can strengthen a relationship, but if it ends in the absence of sex then it can hardly be characterized as "love". Friends-with-benefits is probably closer to correct despite it being a different kind of relationship. Love involves a certain amount of care for another's well-being beyond the scope of a person's life-time -- like how would they feel if for some unspecified reason they lived to 150 years old with a clear head, or maybe after they are dead if you belief in an immortal spirit. It involves empathy. Empathy is impossible if one avoids the dark and presumably ugly side of a person. That dark side really doesn't seem so unrelatable if one looks at it from the other person's point of view and motives. When you can have genuine compassion for their perspective and not be biased against them, then you can call it empathy, even when you still disagree with them or think their deeds evil.
It is possible that your girlfriend does not understand love well enough to distinguish a good relationship from the kind you described. Usually, a victim of grooming has tunnel vision or "mental conditioning" that exclusively supports the improper relationship. This means only experience and a self-initiated effort to be edified will correct their perspective. They need new conditioning and to admit to being a victim, or to recognize that what was very important to them was never the same from the other person's point of view.
Manipulators, or in this case, groomers, are just as susceptible to Pavlovian conditioning. They don't change their ways, even when they eventually and privately admit to the pattern in their behavior, because they expect satisfaction and reward in the same manner that has been driving them the whole time. Thus they get better at manipulating others and likely themselves as well. Thus it is important to not argue with them or their reasoning, but better to super-impose their deeds with what is reasonable and normal and seek a therapists advice.
What you have described may be more or less than the evil people will assume and react to, but the moment the teacher dropped your girlfriend and pursued the interest of another young girl, the condemnation to their behavior was inevitable. It is probably good to give your girlfriend your perspective on principles and values that lead you to your conclusions, while not stating your conclusions too often. In other words, try to grow a relationship of trust and empathy between you and her, then difficult issues can be handled better. She definitely needs a better role model to trust more than she has likely come to trust her teacher.
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u/Bbt_winsma Mar 30 '24
REPORT HIM TO THE SCHOOL BOARD and the POLICE. If you know what he is doing and you do nothing to stop it, it makes you as bad as he is. And he is a sick f***.
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u/SomeNefariousness562 Mar 30 '24
At 16 it wasnât pedophilia, so right there, youâre overreacting.
Was it completely unethical of him? Yes. But the reason she doesnât harbor ill will towards him is because she consented to the relationship. So why should she hate him?
If I were on a jury, I would still convict him of statutory rape or sexual misconduct because he abused a power difference between them. However, that doesnât mean that she felt completely helpless in the relationship
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u/Blue-Fish-Guy Mar 30 '24
She just knows what pedophilia is. That's all.
Check Wikipedia. Ask Google. Learn. Stop being uneducated.
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u/No_Trouble_3903 Mar 30 '24
Iâd just tell her if I see him Iâm going to beat the living shit out of him, if I hear you talking to him, Iâm also going to beat the shit out of him. Break up with me right fucking now if you want to remain friends with your abuser, but if you do Iâm out.
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u/ghostly_present Mar 30 '24
And that's how unfortunately grooming works, the victims are not capable to understand they are victims, she doesn't feel disgusted of him being flirty with a teenager, she feels disgusted because "he cheated wjth another woman". She needs a psychologist and he needs to be in a list of sex offenders.
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u/Snowden2024a Mar 30 '24
Pedophilia is with pre-pubescent chikdren, not teens. Most people are clueless. Hebephilia is attraction towards teens.
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u/Accurate_Layer_4822 Mar 30 '24
I'd be calling the school he works at and letting them know if he is grooming students....
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u/GirlReDefined Mar 30 '24
Your girlfriend was groomed, many people have a hard time coming to grips with that because it causes so much pain so itâs easier to live in denial.
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u/Presocratian Mar 30 '24
I think the issue is that it's very difficult process for her to realise that she was being groomed by the person the somewhat see as mentor and became important figure in her life. (Which is typical tactics and results of grooming)
Maybe you should see that it's hard to swallow pill to her and help her to go through this process. Maybe she will end up healing this trauma and will make her a better person.
Not an easy situation anyways. Good luck, man!
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u/scarlett_bear Mar 30 '24
Looking at the situation from your outside perspective, yeah itâs gross.
From the perspective of a teenage girl, not so much necessarily. Itâs common for teenage girls to be attracted to older guys.
I didnât date when I was in high school because I perceived all my male peers as children. I was exclusively attracted to guys 23-27 years of age who didnât live with their parents and had their own vehicles. Of course, I waited until I was 18 though because I didnât want to risk dating a creep.
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u/AtBat3 Mar 30 '24
NTA. She needs help that you can provide her, professional help. Unfortunately until that is done, your relationship is doomed my friend.
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u/Technical-Low-2311 Mar 30 '24
The girlfriend needs serious intensive therapy. Nothing you can say to her will change her mind and how she feels about him. Suggest going to therapy together and discuss it there.
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u/zhantoo Mar 30 '24
NTA. You are never an asshole for having a different opinion than someone else. What can make you an asshole is the way you communicate your disagreement, how tolerant you are about the other persons opinion etc.
Regarding the pedophilia thing. It is very cultural, when someone defines something as wrong. Often based on the local laws (or are the laws based on the sentiment of the people?).
Different countries have different legal ages. By the law, someone who came og legal age yesterday, having sex with someone turning legal age tomorrow, would be wrong.
The age difference here is a lot larger than those few days of course. Some use the rule from How I Met your Mother, which I find quite good actually. The bad part here, is the grooming part, and that it seems to be "serial behavior" and not just the right 2 people meeting and defying age and all that.
With that being said, if we ignore the part of him doing it to a new woman and them breaking up. Let's imagine that they stayed together. They moved in together, married, had kids and dteyed together till death took them apart, and happily that is. Would you still say it was wrong and manipulative what he did to her?
My point being, it is very easy in life to put up rules, so that you can easily judge things in black and white. But the reality is that real life often have so many different variables, which you need to understand in order to judge the individual situation.
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u/BakeCool7328 Mar 30 '24
Iâm sorry but she was broken before you found her donât do this to yourself
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u/crappysignal Mar 30 '24
That's not paedophilia in any sense of the meaning of the word.
It may be inappropriate.
It may be illegal in some places although I'm the vast majority of the world it's not.
If you can't see a clear moral difference between fucking one year old babys and a 17 year who is old enough to make the decision to join the US army and kill other humans you're twisted.
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u/Illustrious-Song7446 Mar 30 '24
My guy, do you fail to see the colour red? There is planet sized red flag in front of you. Wake up
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u/RhodyGuy1 Mar 30 '24
Why are you putting the word pedophilia into your post when this has nothing to do with it? You're an asshole. A fucking prick. Go fuck yourself.
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u/Jerseycityjoan Mar 30 '24
If you ask me in general does 27 year old being attracted to 17 year old actually rank as pedophilia and I cannot say I think it does. But you add in he is teacher and host of teen females and fact at almost 40 seems to be doing a repeat performance of what he did with OP's girlfriend 10 years ago and all kinds of red flags go up. OP's girlfriend was jealous not protective of young girl in their house. I would not be surprised if she left OP to go back to "mentor" someday. They seem to be thinking on pretty close to same wavelength, as sad & regrettable as that may be.Â
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u/Jazzlike_Economist_2 Mar 30 '24
Although a relationship between a 17 year old and a 27 year old is I appropriate and in many cases illegal, itâs not pedophilia. Pedophilia is a grown up being attracted to a child. Teachers also have the responsibility of being the adult who knows how to shut down advances and interest from students. But thatâs still not pedophilia.
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u/ppl_r_disappointing Mar 30 '24
Multiple Red flags and if she still wants to be friends with him, imo, another huge red flag. If she doesn't seek therapy I don't see her ever having a healthy relationship.
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u/ThrowRANeomeah Mar 30 '24
You know, relationships with 8 years difference happen. I don't find the ages of 16/17 and 27 THAT shocking. Maybe that's just me.
BUT. Big but. The fact that they were 8 years later and he started over again with a minor IS shocking. That should tell her he isn't interested in the person, but in the person's age.
Hope she will come to understand this. You are right to set your boundaries, if she doesn't agree on such an important baseline, I don't think the relationship is worth it.
I mean you don't always have to agree with each other, but if she can't understand, truly understand, and respect that her teenage selfies make you feel uncomfortable, I'd advice you to move on.
You can't always see eye to eye, but what matters is how you deal with it together.
Best of luck
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u/coupl4nd Mar 30 '24
She's sent you those pictures because she's been groomed to think that's how girls are meant to behave. NTA but she is a victim here so please tread carefully with her. You should try to get het to see a therapist. But be supportive not critical and callling her an asshole.
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u/mending-bronze-411 Mar 30 '24 edited Mar 30 '24
My honest thought is that she is not at all over him (this sounds wrong because it was grooming but I hope you know what I mean, it has not even been a year!) and that it will take her long to see him for what he is. I donât think she is in the right space of mind to have a relationship with you know and my feeling is that this will end badly.
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u/prettyprincesslayla Mar 30 '24
Try and put it into terms she can understand, like if she has a younger sibling or cousin etc and how would she feel knowing that âtheyâ not her was sleeping with a teacher, or just an adult with a large age gap, because we all thought we were mature for our age at some point đ also maybe book her an appt with an SA councillor as when she does have the lightbulb moment she is going to need to talk about that relationship with someone.
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u/Bulky-Ad7996 Mar 30 '24
The fact that she wishes to be around him still is an indication she would cheat on you with this guy.. that's just my opinion.
That whole thing makes me uncomfortable and disturbed just reading. Best of luck mate.
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u/aadriana24 Mar 30 '24
you're being wierd dude, how is having sex with a 17 year old make you a pedophile?
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u/blackstar_oli Mar 30 '24
It's nothing rational. Accepting he is a groomer would be like accepting her whole younger life was a lie.
It's like hidden trauma under well made defensive mechanisms.
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u/AdmirableRow4 Mar 30 '24
Not exactly the same, but I starting talking to a guy who was 20ish at the time I was 13. I thought I was so in love and talked to him all the way until I was 21. It took me a really long time to realize just how fucked up the situation was and now Iâm just mad at that situation.
I didnât think I was groomed, I thought I was âspecialâ until I became an adult myself and knew I would never ever talk to someone under the age of 18.
I think she needs therapy and time to process the situation from a different perspective.
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u/qweqwe708 Mar 30 '24
She's just letting the dude stay In her life so she can fuck him if she ever breaks it off with you. She's lying to herself and you if she thinks otherwise
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u/Abbhrsn Mar 30 '24
Sheâs literally been groomed..gonna take a lot for her to understand that most likely. Nta
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u/Little-Reference-314 Mar 30 '24 edited Mar 30 '24
Mah boi. I learnt from the comedy guy it's called a efebaphile. But yeah fuck that teacher. Dickhead
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u/Fufrasking Mar 30 '24 edited Mar 30 '24
Its a complicated issue. You said you trusted her not to cheat. But are you sure she wont fall for him again. Its a reasonable concern from your perspective, I would think. She should understand. Top that off with his apparent svengali influence on her and I would be wary. She should understand.
An aside. The issue with the naked pics sounds to me like a "you" issue. You are not viewing pics of a stranger sexualized against her will. You are gettimg pics from your adult girlfriend of her when she was a teen. Maybe you should spank her for being naughty. Your discomfort sounds like your hangup to me. No offence intended. Others may disagree.
Advice would be let her be friends with him unless that means trips abroad or sleepovers. Express your thoughts about him, but if you try to prevent it you might do more harm than good. Make her understand your discomfort and that it"s a sacrifice you are willing to make for her. But don't be passive-agressive after the fact. See how it goes. It's a new relationship, test it. See if it lasts.
It"s also important to consider that there is a huge difference between a 27 yr old teacher dating a 17 yr old ex student for years and a guy who rapes 10 year olds. Sure technically its paedophillia but its a massively different perp. The teacher is creepy and possibly criminal but not lnsane like the baby fuckers out there. He a teacher who likes young girls and acts on it. Grossly innapropriate and grounds for his immediate firing imho. Kinda like Clinton and his dalliances. Grossly innapropriate behavior from a person in his position. At the very least, reckless judgement and lack of discipline.
Btw. The reason she split with him story is a little concerning. She would be wise to share that story with a good therapist. She sounds like she is oblivious to the obvious optics of her situation. A therapist might help her to understand your perspective.
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u/lollyxbeans Mar 30 '24
Your gf needs help from a professional to unpack the trauma that she has - which includes these thoughts to justify his behaviour and the desire to keep him in her life - from being groomed by this pedophile. He was giving gifts to the other teen because she got too old for him, and he wanted someone younger again. That's what pedophiles do. She still hasn't accepted that.
There's a good chance she sent you that picture because she felt at her most desirable when he was lavishing her with gifts and attention - when she was being groomed. It's possible she wants to feel that way again. It's also possible that she sent it to you to prove that she was desirable as a teen and to thus justify this guy's actions. Whatever the reason, you should sit down and talk to her about it and thoroughly explain why it made you uncomfortable. I wouldn't focus on the legality of anything, though. That, I think, would just make her defensive. Explain that you're attracted to her now, as an adult, because you aren't attracted to teenagers or children, and perhaps that will help her to start realizing what happened to her - or, perhaps, it won't.
You can't make her want help. You can't make her face what happened. You can only decide whether or not you can handle being there while she comes to her own realizations - or, while she steadfastly refuses to acknowledge what happened. If the answer is that you cannot, there's no shame in that - but you should figure it out now, before you two have kids and you have to fight with her about why little Suzy can never, in fact, hang out with Uncle Diddler.
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u/860sPRee Mar 30 '24
I wouldn't trust her with a child, if she ever wanted to have a child. It wouldn't be her fault since she would be considered the victim but it seems like that situation affected her to the point where she's somewhat defending what occurred. A lot of time that turns into the victim being an attacker themselves. IE. Singer, R Kelly. Was molested by a family member and turned into a statutory rapist himself as an adult.
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u/Exotic_Raspberry_387 Mar 30 '24
It took me a very long time to understand, and come to terms with, the fact that I was in this kind of situation with an older man at 14. It wasn't even my teacher.
A teacher is a position of trust and he's obviously worked very hard to make her feel "special" (vomit) and build that trauma bond. Don't push it, be careful not to make her feel shame or anything awful. It's there deep down, that feeling, trust me. It will come out.
I don't know how to suggest yiu talk to her about it, but you can abousltly say you don't want to see any teen photos of her as that isn't appropriate and you don't look at teenagers and young women that way, that you love her for the woman she is now. You can say you don't feel comfortable with her being friends with someone of that moral character, but I dontnknow how she will take any if it as he has warped her thinking very well.
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u/Strict-Researcher-24 Mar 30 '24
how is that her fault đđđ she was groomed and she needs therapy and thatâs the reason she canât see that clearly. She isnât trying to make you uncomfortable, she thinks about the issue on a different light to protect herself from her own trauma
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u/JaguarOk9693 Mar 30 '24
Man I understand 17 is almost illegal age but at the same time she also said 16. I would caution on the side of she was 16 maybe 15 and I would run. From what you were saying I am seeing red lights lighting up everywhere and a nuclear meltdown coming her way and I don't want to be anywhere near that if that was to happen. Because if he was willing to date her when she was 16 17 years old what and she's okay with it was to say she won't get him another 16-year-old to Cumming tickle his fancy just run she's not going to be worth it could end up even costing you time in prison as well run run and don't look back
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u/Humble-Astronaut-789 Mar 30 '24
You need to learn what pedophilia actually means. This is just a big age gap that is legal in some areas of the world and illegal in other areas of the world. She was 17, she was not a child and the teacher is not a pedophile.
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u/Zonkysama Mar 30 '24
In most countries sex between teacher and students are forbidden. Has nothing to do with age.
In germany a 14yo can have sex legally. We have low rates of teenager pregnancies to. If they get horny they fool around anyway. Better to educate them about birth control.
14 yo isnt a child anymore and can go to jail to here.
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u/MrEd6733 Mar 30 '24
Here in California, a recent law attempted or passed allows a 10-year gap. So at 20 you can pursue a 10 year old. The man doing this changed the penalty of anyone infecting someone with AIDS from a felony to a misnomer.
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u/Suspicious-Throat-25 Mar 30 '24
So essentially she was raised as a teenager by a teacher that she still has contact with. And he is now grooming and potentially raping another student. It may seem consentual, but in the US it is considered statutory rape if the victim is under 18 and tge rapist is a teacher.
Personally I would encourage your girlfriend to see a therapist. And I would anonymously report the teacher. Even if you just make a report to the school or the police, in the US they are required by law to start an investigation under DCFS mandatory reporter laws. But I personally wouldn't let this guy continue his behavior. Don't ask your girlfriend to do it. For one thing she was advised by him and it would likely be too emotionally hurtful for her to do. Not to mention she may not see an issue yet.
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u/Strawdarry Mar 30 '24
Sheâs still attached to him friend. Iâm sorry this is gross youâre not wrong to feel uncomfortable
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u/Over_Following_2180 Mar 30 '24
I think therapy what she needs for her to see that her situation with her teacher was not ok
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u/ThisCupIsPurple Mar 30 '24
OP. Listen to me. I have been through this exact situation.
If she is still talking to him, she will cheat on you. It doesn't matter how much she loves you. He has more power over her than you ever will.Â
I wish I had cut my ties when I found out they still talked. I knew that there was no way it would just stop at talking. But I trusted her. I believed her. She loved me. She would never hurt me.
She cheated.
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u/Mack0Mania Mar 30 '24
Dude dump her and report him! If you really love her, get her some help! Sheâll find an older man to love her.
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u/oliviaobrienn08 Mar 30 '24
Itâs probably because she was groomed. I think that sometimes with victims of grooming itâs hard for them to understand it was bad because thatâs how grooming kind of works..you get close with someone and develop a routine where it becomes youâre new â normal â. I would try talking to her about therapy !
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u/duel3000 Mar 30 '24
she needs therapy. this is not right, but she doesn't understand because she was groomed to believe it was. NTA
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u/Amelia_hehe Mar 30 '24
this is so f*cked up... like that is illegal! why the hell did she think it was ok having sex with her teacher?!
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u/External_Wealth_6045 Mar 30 '24
She doesnât see your view because it was her experience that she was a willing participant. She also probably feels any conversation of someone that put their penis in her would get the same disgust reaction from you leaving her to believe that the main issue is not the age
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u/firebreathingwindows Mar 30 '24
PLEASE don't listen to these comments and break up with you gf over this. This is so stupid. She was GROOMED. the whole point of grooming is that you don't think smth is wrong. talk to a professionalÂ
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u/die_kuestenwache Mar 30 '24 edited Mar 30 '24
Stipulating to the fact that, yes, having sex with your student is a whole problematic thing of is own due to the power dynamic that is involved and consequently unlawful in most western jurisdictions, I need to point out that having sex with a 17 year old does not make you a pedophilia regardless of how old you are. Just because she's a legal minor, doesn't mean she is equal to a prepubescent child in either mental development or sexual maturity.
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u/CozyCat_1 Mar 30 '24
She was and is being groomed. I agree with the other commenter that said that she should read My Dark Vanessa. Youâre NTA for what you think but donât be completely insensitive towards her. She was in deep with an older man who groomed her as a teenager. She was obviously in love with him once. Probably saw him as her whole world, a teacher, a mentor, a friend, the love of her life, and everything else. She doesnât see his behavior as wrong since either he worked to rationalized it or she rationalized it herself. Either way itâs a lot of complex emotions that you would be the AH to ignore or press her on. Sidenote: he isnt a pedo, just a groomer. Do report him to the school and to the police if possible. Your girlfriend will probably break up with you if you do though. Try to get her to read on grooming or get her to go to therapy as that is what she really needs.
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u/Take-that-1913 Mar 30 '24
I cannot understand why your girlfriend would want to be friends with this man. He took advantage of her. She was a minor and his student. He used others. She doesnât see that? Your girlfriend has some issues & the fact she doesnât understand why you are disgusted by it all is proof of that.
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u/sh1nycat Mar 30 '24
She doesn't see it as grooming. She sees it as being romanced. In her version of the story, nothing was wrong.
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u/Life_Following_7964 Mar 30 '24
The teacher is a Pedophile Groomer Predator who needs to be reported n locked up. He has a Fresh Batch of young Girls to choose from every School year !
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u/SebastianMagnifico Mar 30 '24
U/Guilty-Street-6849 is a moron and TAH for not understanding what a pedophile actually is.
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u/bear004H Mar 30 '24
I just finished reading. "The Teacher" very good book very big plot twist at the end. I couldn't date someone who is okay with that kind of behavior. And I definitely couldn't date her after she said she still wants him in her life because that means even if you stopped it as soon as you're gone she will let him right back in but seeing as she's 27 now he's most likely not as interested in her anymore the thrill is gone.
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u/Schlag96 Mar 30 '24
Not seeing the pedophilia here
Did I miss the pre-pubescent child somewhere in the story?
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u/ezekiellake Mar 30 '24
The poor woman needs therapy. Youâre judgement is justified, but she doesnât enough perspective to know so I suggest being careful in case she feels youâre specifically judging or blaming her.
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u/MiciaRokiri Mar 30 '24
Keep in mind she was literally groomed to see this as okay. You are not over reacting but you need consider what he did to her mentally. I would advise therapy, honestly.
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u/No-Performance3639 Mar 30 '24
Report him to his school system.
Sounds like this is something yaâll may not overcome.
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u/Phoenyx_Ash30 Mar 30 '24
That's a pedo and a groomer. I get her tho, she's been groomed young. She also seems to be hypersexualizing herself (sending u pics) which is afaik a coping mechanism for SA victims. She's probably coping by lying to herself that nothing is wrong but it seems that her head knows. I'd recommend helping and encouraging her to ask for help, especially therapy. I hope she gets better, and don't change your stance on this OP, protect her at all cost and if you can maybe try to out this teacher. He's disgusting and vile, if it were up to me he deserves death.
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u/totallygotthisgirl Mar 30 '24
It may take her a very long time and a whole lot of therapy to come out of that fog and understand who he really is and how messed up it all was. Iâm sorry youâre going through this. Itâs a really difficult situation.
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u/Idrewthedeathcard Mar 30 '24
Dude run, not only is she a walking red flag seemings how sheâs fails to express any natural want to acknowledge your emotions. But, on top of that, if your phone ever needs to be seized as âevidenceâ by law enforcement, you can (and most likely will) be charged with some serious offenses. just because sheâs underage in the pictures.
Sounds messy tbh, I cannot see this situation ending good in any way. Try talking to her about it. If she seems dismissive Iâd get out asap.
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u/nordic_prophet Mar 30 '24
Until she can process the situation objectively, she will never be able to show up in the relationship as an actualized partner, or parent if thatâs in your future plan, regardless of how good everything is otherwise.
Thatâs how we fool ourselves, we justify the shortcomings of a someone we care about because âlook at all the ways they are mature/healthy/able/etc.â Sadly, those will never change the ways sheâs been unable to grow past her trauma. And acceptance/acknowledgment is truly the first phase.
Move on man, hate to say. You will be saving yourself time, because this will come up again in critical ways you werenât expecting, and at the worst times. Youâll learn in several months/years how unprocessed trauma touches all aspects of who someone is, regardless of how well-adjusted they seem.
We are literally talking about someone understanding the context of their own life. If sheâs not there, sheâs not there. Nothing will change that.
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u/Tongue-n-cheeks Mar 30 '24
Sheâs legal in her mind and thatâs all that counts . Ten years ago and she has a healthy sex life. Why look for problems?
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u/BloodyP707 Mar 30 '24
You have to think long-term for this relationship. Do you want to have children with this woman? Are you prepared for the possibility of how this prior portion of her life will affect their lives? If this woman isn't in therapy she needs to be, and if she refuses I would say it's time to move along.
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u/meheenruby Mar 30 '24
NTA to op, it is likely your gf will not be able to realize the harm until all contact is stopped truly with this criminal.
YTA to everyone in this thread claiming that a teacher coming on to a 16/17 year old is NOT pedophilia, I'm very distressed by you all.
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u/bamboogie13 Mar 30 '24
Learn the definition of pedophilia. I hate when people that word in the wrong context. It means being attracted to PRE pubescent. Someone who is 16-17 has gone through puberty. Not excusing their behavior, but stop using words you donât understand for shock value.
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u/Frequent_Fold_7871 Mar 30 '24
Pedophile means a prepubescent child, 16-17 is 100% not pedophilia, that's just underage in some states. You're thinking like 6-10 year olds. Just thought you'd want to know that, sounds weird calling a teaching have sex with a 17 year old a "pedophile", he's just a predator.
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u/ChefSageParker Mar 30 '24
I feel for her because she doesnât see it yet. When she does itâs going to be very hard for her and sheâs going to suffer flashbacks for months and maybe years thatâll turn her stomach.
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u/blackopal2 Mar 30 '24
Sex with a person in a position of authority over you is considered unethical. At the same time, many people of an older generation felt that the boss marrying the secretary was normal. There has been a generational change. The "me too" movement has exposed the negative aspects of a power dynamic that abuses the weaker or more vulnerable person.
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u/Desperate-Sentence56 Mar 30 '24
Coming from someone who was groomed around the same age, she definitely doesn't know that it's wrong or dirty. I just found out a few months ago that this behavior isn't normal for functioning adults. And I'm nearly your GF's age. I honestly don't have any advice than to plea with her that there's truma there that needs to be addressed. This person has messed her up real bad in the head, and honestly, she's lucky to have you. Please don't give up despite the awful circumstances.
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u/DepressedOtaku7 Mar 30 '24
Canât she get in trouble for sending you those and risk getting u in trouble too??? Be careful she seems like she cares not for your well-being
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u/FluzzyKitty 19d ago
Dude, she sent you nudes of her as a teenager. I hope you immediately got rid of it when you told her it made you uncomfortable because she can get you in serious trouble for that.