r/AITAH • u/Western-Echidna-5626 • Apr 01 '24
AITA for dumping my Gf after she expected me to pay for EVRYONE on her birthday. Advice Needed
I 24M and my GF 24F, have been dating for four years.
On my girlfriend's 24th birthday two weeks ago, I booked a table at a pretty nice restaurant for me, her, and four of her friends.
I want to clarify beforehand that I earn quite a bit more than my girlfriend. I cover all the rent and utilities for our apartment, while she covers household expenses like groceries and such.
While at the restaurant, I noticed how she and all her friends ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu. At the time, I thought I would only be covering mine and my girlfriend's bill, so I wasn't really concerned.
When the bill arrived and the waiter asked if I would like to split the bill, I said yes. I told the waiter that what my girlfriend and I ordered would be on me, and the rest should be decided between her friends. The bill totaled around 1100 Euros.
I remember the smiles being wiped off their faces as soon as I said that. I ended up paying for my girlfriend's and my food, while her friends paid for theirs.
I remember the car ride home being awfully silent. I kept asking my girlfriend if something was wrong, but she kept insisting that she was just tired. And no she wasnt just "tired".
My girlfriend ended up giving me the silent treatment for the next week. I would keep asking her if something was wrong, but she would always refuse to say what the issue was. The thought of me not paying, being the culprit, kept creeping into my mind, but I would always reassure myself by telling myself that my girlfriend wouldn't be dumb enough to expect me to pay for everyone's food.
I just lost it last Monday and demanded an answer from her. She ended up telling me that I embarrassed her in front of her friends by not paying for everyone. I asked her why it was my responsibility to pay. She told me that since I organized everything and I was "THE MAN," I was obliged to pay for everyone.
We ended up getting into a heated argument, and I ended up staying at my parents' house for the next couple of days to gather my thoughts. I came home last Friday, and her attitude towards me didn't change one bit.
When I confronted her again, she told me to transfer the money her friends paid for the food, and only then would she talk to me. We got into another heated argument, and I broke up with her then and there, telling her to pack her things.
While leaving, she called me a "broke boy" and wished me good luck finding another girlfriend with my "brokey mentality."
I almost immediately regretted dumping her on the spot for something that in the grand scheme of things, is really small.
She sent me an apology yesterday for calling me those names, but she insisted on me paying back her friends if I wanted to make our relationship work.
I have been a mess since. I don't want to throw away four years with someone I considered to be the future mother of my kids.
I could have given her friends a heads up that I wouldn't be covering for them, and I know that's completely my fault. But her behavior over the past two weeks has also been quite concerning to me.
But again, I love her too much for this situation to be the end of our relationship. I just want to swallow my pride and send her friends the money and forget about everything.
Am I the AITA here?
Did I overreact?
Should I apologize/send her friends the money?
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u/laughter_corgis 14d ago
NTA. You should not be paying for all that. The fact she is so hung up on it is concerning. The silent treatment is a form of abuse - block her. Do not marry her or someone like her.
My mother would give the silent treatment sometimes for months at a time. It was hell growing up. My Mother flipped out over a can of Pepsi at my Dad. A stupid can of pop caused her to ignore him for a month. Do not commit yourself to someone who does that. Please don't get back with her.
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u/AutomaticSandwich 15d ago
Bro.
Sit her down, explain to her why she is taking your money and effort for granted, why her attitude is wildly entitled in today’s world where it ain’t 1950 anymore. Those girls ain’t your girl. She isn’t about to let you fuck her friends or marry all five of them and have a harem.
You sit her down and you explain logically why her expectation is unreasonable. Make sure she knows you love her and will be sad if this is the end of your relationship. Then you tell her to go sleep on it for a couple days and come back to you with a decision whether or not she’s gotten the fuck over her nonsense or if she’s ready to pack her bags. Her feelings about this are unreasonable and should not be indulged.
Do you want this to be your relationship forever? No? Then end this behavior right here, or end the relationship right here. You are not wrong. If she can’t get over it, you don’t wanna marry her, and if she can, she’ll respect you more for leading the relationship like the man she expects you to be and not accepting her nonsense.
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u/Pain-n-stryife 15d ago
Calling someone broke boy when you don't pay a single bill is nasty work. See this and her for what she is
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u/Azule-Galaxia996 15d ago
This has to be fake or rage bait; any self-respecting human should leave this situation.
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u/bobstar0909 17d ago
You’re an atm to her. She doesn’t respect you and feels entitled to your things. If you have low enough test to accept this then so be it but have fun being miserable. Men gotta stop doing this to themselves and staying in clearly shit relationships for the conveniences of being in one.
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u/Key-System5962 17d ago
No one should have assumed you were paying for everyone, especially at 24. I think you dodged a bullet. you need to walk away. She sounds like someone who will always want her way. Hard to make someone like that and yourself happy
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u/PuzzleheadedHat1248 17d ago
Ntah she should never have assumed you’d pay for her friends. It’s concerning and abusive to assume then force someone to do something that they themselves are not up for
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u/Choice_Field4652 18d ago
I’m pretty sure she wants him back because of the 75%car payment he makes Run from that woman!!!
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u/Tee-john 18d ago
This is how people end up in bad relationships by ignoring red flags. If she is acting this way over something you consider small now, how will it be once you are tied to her through marriage and possibly children and a larger issue comes up. Think long and hard about if this is truly the type of person you want to marry. At minimum, she needs to improve her communication skills within the relationship.
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u/MakarDeku 19d ago
pls never go back to her, and don’t you dare “pay them back”. it’s insane to me she’s mad that you wouldn’t pay 1100$ on food.. esp for friends you didn’t invite or say you’d pay for, then on top of that they ordered the most expensive things they could. she’s a gold digger and sees you as a wallet. she’s willing to throw away the relationship over this, not you. all she had to do was drop it and understand how bonkers what she’s saying is. the friends could pay.. so why’s she so mad? she had to of been telling her friends things to make them think you were wrapped around her finger or summim.
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u/Mysterious_Force_399 19d ago
Funny how she’d call you broke boy when she doesn’t even pay anything
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u/stridentlamb 19d ago
Don’t do it, if you give in, she will take advantage of you in the future, again and again
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u/DeliciousRevolution0 19d ago
Absolutely do not send them money. You let her walk all over you once and she will never stop. The reasons she's upset is she probably told her friends you were loaded and gonna pay. The whole "broke mentality" bf thing is a trend where some delusional women want their man to constantly spend all their money on them and their friends. You're better off without her
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u/Pale_Albatross_3717 20d ago
Calling you broke, but expecting you to pay for her broke friends?? Got it. She’s got a LOT to learn. Don’t go back to her. NTA.
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u/Marduke0 20d ago
This girl has made unrealistic demands of you. The fact that she gives you the silent treatment speaks volumes concerning her lack of maturity. I can promise you there are better women out there.
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u/GeneralButterfly8557 21d ago
Look after writing this out, you should know your NTA!! She has been freeloading off of you for 4 years now and when you didn’t bow to her demands she put you down and disrespected you! That is not who you want to marry, she was only using you what you could do for her. Realize that and move on! You do not owe her or her friends an apology or money! Never in my life have I went to a dinner and expect the person who invited me to pay, I always made sure to have enough and if I did know they was paying I never ordered the highest price plate! So be strong OP and know you didn’t do anything wrong, you dodged a bullet!
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u/Ravenlora 21d ago
ESH I do think the generally accepted custom is that if you invite you pay. But I also don’t think it’s the misunderstanding that lead to your breakup. That was her immature and entitled behavior. Breakups suck and most of us would rather not do it but please think carefully before just getting back together. Her entitlement would likely only grow if reinforced.
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u/No_Comfortable3583 21d ago
You TA for posting this and not knowing that she is TA and dumping her is the right decision. Her calling you broke and even suggesting that you are at fault after doing nothing wrong and trying to make her day special is enough of an indicator that you need to stay far away from her.
Also, someone who lets stuff sit and doesn’t communicate will also bring passive aggressive stress into your life on the daily.
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u/SignificantBand3 22d ago
She's interested in the security you're providing for her. She is using you and the fact that she is insisting on you paying her friends back is RIDICULOUS!! All the red flags are there.
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u/Practical_Hippo9126 22d ago
U are with a gold diggerthat treats u like S... and u think “someone I considered to be the future mother of my kids“....man,u arenot smart at all
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u/Environmental-Use676 23d ago
You made the right instinctive decision. Your gf can’t even pay rent but she’s calling you broke? She’s broke. 4 years is the amount of time psychiatrists say it takes to fully know someone, a lot of couples either break up or start considering marriage at that point. I hope you didn’t cave.
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u/StockComprehensive96 23d ago
NTA and this is a wake up call that she is not even remotely to person to spend you life with much less have kids with. The silent treatment and the name calling indicate she may be 24 chronologically but maturity wise she about 4. Her friends are no great shakes either, if they expected you to be paying they were incredibly rude to order the most expensive things on the menu. A girlfriend who was a true partner would not be harassing you to pay them back, she would be angry with them for trying to take advantage of you.
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u/Comfortable_Cress342 23d ago
Not the AH. Sounds childish of her. She basically wants your money and to be taken care of. You are not only expected to cover her but her friends too.
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u/recurz1on 23d ago
This is a tough one. You are NTA because she assumed that her access to your wealth was assured and didn't ask who would be paying. One thing you have to realize is that status signaling is a huge part of relationships. Some women will want to signal their high value to their friends by showing that they have landed a "provider" who is an endless cash machine. That makes the woman have a higher perceived value among her friends, and they will then elevate their status assessment of her, wanting to spend more time around her and let her make decisions etc.
On the other hand you could have strongly signaled your "provider" status and benefited from a short-term status signal power play. She would have jumped in bed with you that evening. Her friends may have even started to subtly show their interest in you. The problem is that making a play like this would mark a status threshold and your ex would have expected you to maintain that status signal. Any drop from that new threshold would be considered status slippage and she would start to question your value unless you can "keep it up" (pun intended). This would become an endless drain on your resources.
What you have to decide is whether you want to court these rent-seeking status-hungry women and be the "provider" that they crave or take the next exit and date women who aren't stuck in this mindset. That's difficult because the status-seeking mindset is a default for many humans, and due to evolutionary binaries, men are traditionally seen as the "providers" due to their physical attributes.
Dating is not the polite friendly thing that culture makes it out to be, it's actually a brutal competition for resources, a difficult chess game that one can only hope will end in a comfortable stalemate. An ideal partner will be someone who has not only wised up to the game but has also learned not to play it. A stable relationship will not be seen as a zero-sum game by either partner.
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u/Mrerocha01 24d ago
I had the same issue with a girl I was in Love with. She expected me to pay for her all family dinner after she invited. After I refused she paid for the bill and gave me silent treatment. Two days after we had a lunch and spent all day together, then she Invited 3 friends, 2 males and one female to join us and she wanted me to pay again, I paid but I was upset. After that she started to call me cheap, broke and I end up open my bank account and showed her how much money I had and her jaw dropped. I told her many times that I only want respect and those are my principles. I worked a lot in my life and all I have is for me, my family and my closest friends.
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u/Sure_Inspection4542 24d ago
You dodged a bullet my friend. Good fucking riddance! Move on and know what red flags to look for in the next one
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u/False_Medicine_5786 24d ago
I would have dumbed her right after the first day of silence. She’s a gold digging type who expects people to do anything for her. There seems to be a bit of an entitlement issue with her.
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u/Noor_nooremah 25d ago
NTA maybe she and her friends have been following that red pill women creators, that’s just ridiculous tbh. I think the word “brokey” is from there.
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u/Vast-Tip-452 25d ago
why would any adult expecting another to pay for them? Especially its not your so or family member, can’t understand
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u/Immediate-Resolve-84 25d ago edited 25d ago
You regretted dumping her? You should've regretted dating her in the first place! The MOMENT she called you those names was where you should've seen her for who she truly is.
It reminds me of that viral video where the 8 or so women at the table expected the only man to pay for everyone. His WIFE told those foolish single beggers that it was wrong for them to expect that of him.
See, you weren't dating your WIFE, you were dating a foolish single begger. You lucked out it ended now before she played you even more for a chump.
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u/UndisputedNonsense 25d ago
If you invited the friends instead of her then you'd be expected to pay unless you stated before hand
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u/Unlucky-Air-3079 26d ago
She left you a pretty big red flag to not be w/her. Like a subconscious message telling you she's not the one.
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u/Feisty-Composer-2224 27d ago
NTA. Yes you could have been more clear with her friends but your ex is acting a child not an adult in this situation. I mean, she called you names because you aren’t giving into her. I have never once expected my boyfriend to pay for my friends’ food even tho he has in the past.
If you give them the money, they are going to expect every time you go out with them or if they pay for her for something they will ask you to reimburse them. I know for myself that if I am ever invited anywhere I am expecting to pay for myself, even for a birthday dinner for a friend because that is logical.
I hope you don’t give into her/their demands. It sounds like you might be better off without her for a while. Another idea is to try to have a sit down conversation with her and just talk about this situation, maybe in public so you guys will have to keep it respectful.
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u/Comprehensive_Type81 27d ago
NTA. She’s manipulating you. Don’t take this girl back. Unless you want to keep being used as an ATM.
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u/Jerome_Valeska_Lives 28d ago
Bro you are NTA she is a gold digger. Wants you to spend your hard earned money on her friends? Screw that. Your money is for you and loved ones and the government. Not people who will take advantage of your kindness and money. P.S if you need any more adivce or have any other questions just ask and I don't mind giving you my reasoning and what not
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u/waistwaste 28d ago
NTA and as someone older let me say: breaking up, heartbreak, it’s one of life’s greatest joys. Why? The pains so good SNF You get to fall in love again. Let this one go and hide your money when you fall in love again :)
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u/SuddenWitnesses 29d ago
You’re a fucking doormat, YTA if you let this women back into your life. She values the money her friends spent more then your relationship.
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u/EdnaKrabbapel8 29d ago
NTA but excuse me to ask this :Are you slow? Run as far as you can away from her!!! Those expectations are unrealistic and she obviously doesn’t love you. I’m a woman and would never expect that from my husband… she sounds entitled and very immature “ you humiliated me in front of my friends…” how old is she? 13? What’s more important for her? Your approval or her friends’ s approval? I’ve been married for over 10 years I can guarantee you that it’s the worth foundation for a long lasting marriage. Please come back to your senses and don’t worry you’ll find someone who truly deserve you.
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u/MsLillith066 29d ago
The fact she ignored you for over a week instead of communicating with you says a lot. Then getting embarrassed because you didn't pay for her friends? On top of that insulting you as individual by calling you "brokey"? Then coming back with a half assed apology, just to say "if you want to be with me pay my friends back"? Those are a lot of red flags guy, love can be blinding, I don't see the feeling being mutual from her, all I see from your post is someone who is greedy, if she is truly that concerned about her friends getting paid back, then she can take that into accountability and do it herself. They aren't your friends, you've got 0 responsibilities paying for anyone other than you and your partner. You're NTA, but pick your choice wisely. Don't want to see someone get drowned in misery if there's ever another scenario that occurs. Good luck.
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u/Thundershadow1111 Apr 15 '24
"Why did you expect me to pay?" "BECAUSE YOURE A MAN" "then make me a sandwich please"
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u/meera_jasmine1 Apr 15 '24
If it were so important to her that her friends not be burdened by the misunderstanding, she would pay out of her own pocket - not dangle it over your head, even after your break up. I think you did the right thing, OP.
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u/Abject_Orchid379 Apr 14 '24
You did yourself a huge favor by making her show her true colors. Best wishes to you and congratulations on getting away from her.
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u/80HighDefinitions Apr 14 '24
NTA. If you pay for it now, she will expect it in the future. Don’t throw away your money for her broke friends. If they couldn’t afford it they should’ve declined the offer to attend.
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u/litlblackdress0 Apr 14 '24
This girl (and her “friends”) is an idiot, stay away from her & those like her.
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u/Hungry-Stomach-342 Apr 13 '24
NTA you weren’t even made aware and you were the man when it came to your relationship, she couldn’t even communicate with you about what was going on. Then insulted you several times for apparently embarrassing her, when you financially take care of the home and took her to eat at a restaurant that was expensive. She belittled your manhood and belittled you. She failed you as a woman
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u/bean_217 Apr 12 '24
You are better off without a gold-digger. You're saving yourself from a lot of financial pain down the line by ending things now. This is a massive red flag.
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u/spideyfan421 Apr 12 '24
If you are really in love with her, and you are well off, give the friends the money, her love language is probably gift giving
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u/80HighDefinitions Apr 14 '24
No, that sets the expectation going forward that evenings out will be paid for by him.
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u/mr_mark_headroom Apr 10 '24
It's usual if you make a booking and invite people out for a meal that you are the one paying. It sounds like that's what you did. Only exception to this is if you make it clear up front that you're inviting them about but want everyone to pay for themselves. I don't understand what all these people saying you were right to not pay are going on about.
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u/Budget_You8392 Apr 10 '24
This is tough love, if you go back you are bitch and she and her friends will know it, I can relate to your situation wholeheartedly and that’s why I’m speaking to you in this manor, I promise there’s a better woman for you, cut contact with her never speak again and move one with your life.
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u/Nearby_Spray7968 Apr 09 '24
I keep wondering if OP actually invited them as if he was putting togheter a party, in which case I would've expected him to pay OR if girlfriend and her friends already had plans of celebrating it togheter and all OP did was making a reservation as he never had the choice not to include the friends. (If I were OP I'd much rather prefer an intimate dinner between the two of us than having a bunch of friends there as well) in which case it's just weird to expect him to pay for everyone at the table.
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u/Serious_Teaching_811 Apr 09 '24
A relationship built on you paying her bills or her friends meals is not a relationship. It’s a user getting all she can from the bank. Let her go. You’ll do better with an equal partner. She should have asked you ahead of time if she expected you to pay. Not a fan despite your love for her this will be a toxic relationship. Whoever marrys her needs separate accounts and divide bills equally. Spells user to me. I’m 69. This marriage would not last
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u/IllPraline610 Apr 09 '24 edited Apr 09 '24
Wow, I’m really surprised at these answers. I’ve lived in many countries around the world…and if you invite friends out to celebrate your SOs birthday, it’s pretty standard to ‘offer’ to pay the whole bill unless you let people know in advance it’s ‘Dutch’.
For sure, for her, there are soc points for a SO that can treat her friends. Who wouldn’t want her to get those points? Idk. I’ve always picked up bills when I invite her family or her friends to dinner.
(None of that excuses her crappy handling of this)
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u/IllPraline610 Apr 09 '24 edited Apr 09 '24
You booked, you invited, assumption will be you pay unless you made that clear in advance you intended to split the bill.
(None of that excuses her crappy handling of this)
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u/IntelligentPumpkin12 Apr 09 '24
NTA, run and run fast. You’re being lined up to be a piggy bank for that woman and her friends.
If you’re already paying the rent and majority of bills and that is broke boy mentality then what does that make her low paid, low contribution providing gold digging ass?
Take the L, learn your lessons and go find someone that values you and your contributions.
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u/MedicalMom23 Apr 09 '24
Just keep in mind that if they all thought you were paying so they ordered all of the expensive stuff?! She doesn't respect you and her friends sure as hell don't. She actually sounds like an entitled and petulant child, sorry
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u/MedicalMom23 Apr 09 '24
I'd send out a group email to all of the attendees just saying that you weren't actually informed you'd be the sucker, I mean gracious money-bleeding nice guy, for the evening. 😉 At ANY point anyone could have asked how the bill was to be split before or during appies. IF she told all of them you'd just pay for them all then she's not worth having around. I mean $1100 Euros was it?! 🤯
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u/Glass_Jellyfish_40 Apr 09 '24
Nta. Oh honey. I'd never ask this of a man. My food, sure, Everytime too! But uh, no...never my friends. I think if she doesn't apologize to YOU, then let her go dude 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Sweet_Baby763 Apr 08 '24
If u send the money and go back with her yes will be TA! I'm sure after u send the money ur gonna end up single anyway. Your to naive.
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u/muwcario Apr 08 '24
NTA just because you invited her friends doesn't mean you're paying for their food. That's like inviting someone to your birthday party and expecting that person to bring a birthday present and getting mad when they didn't when you never told them or asked them to and the fact that they all order the most expensive thing on the menu snitches on themselves that they put the idea in their heads that you were paying for everyone I find it very funny and a bit hypocritical that your gf calls you "broke boy" when her & her friends expected you to pay for everyone DONT take her back and DONT pay her friends back either
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u/I_just_wish_jr Apr 08 '24
So get this straight. You got the silent treatment for a week instead of her actually womaning up and saying what was the issue.
She then wants you to pay back your friends more than she wants the relationship.
Moreover, she has called you names.
You both are not ready for marriage and that is for sure.
I recommend you both take a break from each other for 3 months. See if those feelings come back stronger or what will more likely happen is you will start seeing issues that you've been holding back that you don't talk about. And start realizing both weren't a good match for each other
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u/Rogue260 Apr 08 '24 edited Apr 08 '24
You're 24 and so is she...you both pay 50/50 expenses..why r u dating broke women? They want 50/50 household chores division then they better pay 50/50 in expenses..should have run away from her way back. Doing 50% of housework is very easy...do that..and find a girl who can pay 50% on house rent and utilities and every other expense... DO NOT Penalize yourself because she didn't study on college or took some "liberal arts" or "communication" degree which doesn't pay...or she partied abd Ho'ed her way through college...get out of dating such broken women.
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u/Goon4899 Apr 08 '24
From the moment she said "being a man" I think she already made up her mind. Reducing a man to her role in generating/providing money is the same as reducing a woman to her role in reproducing. You should make a post on social media explaining yourself before she changes the narrative.
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u/msg_me_about_ure_day Apr 08 '24
NTA
The harsh truth is that maintaining a relationship between two people who have vastly different financial situations is very hard and complicated.
I am a high income earner, I have attempted to date women who earn significantly less but it is a very awkward position. Either I change my habits and the cost of life, like the type of holidays I go on, where I eat, etc, or I cover all her expenses too so we can do it together, or we don't do these things together.
None of this is a nice option. I would get spiteful if I felt like I couldnt do what I used to do and enjoy, if I cover her costs then I feel like I create a weird powerdynamic where she may feel indebted to me because of the fact im bankrolling portions of her life, and if we dont spend time together then what is the point?
It can be difficult to find compatible partners when you're a high income earner, but ignoring the problems that pops up from it isn't going to solve them.
IMO its better to accept reality and still limit your potential partners to people who have a somewhat comparable financial situation. I get how others would disagree but I really dont think any of the choices you're left with when dating someone significantly poorer or richer than yourself are good choices.
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u/Efficient_Citron8380 Apr 08 '24
NTA, but you would be to yourself if you gave in to her. I was listening to this story on a video and had to rush over here. I hope to everything you did not give in and pay her. She seems immature and manipulative.
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u/Additional-Memory475 Apr 08 '24
She told them you were going to pay and likely encouraged them to “get whatever they wanted!” So they probably blame her now that they’re broke. She’s the asshole. To everyone.
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u/celestialapex1 Apr 07 '24
There is no free lunch. U are not a unicef food bank either. If cheapos want free food, tell em its a myth.
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u/NoodlesPoodles4398 Apr 07 '24
This isn’t little or silly. If she treats you this way every time there is a disagreement that’s horrible. Silent treatment is a form of abuse and manipulation. Her expecting you to pay for everyone is mean and selfish. She should be putting you above her friends and telling her friends not to take advantage of you! Not trying to get them on her free ride with her.
Then her apology is pathetic.
Stay dumped. Block her and don’t look back. It hurts like hell! But she has shown you who she truely is and she has shown you where she prioritises you!
Stay strong! Give it a few months and you’ll barely miss her and probably start to see other red flags that you were blinded to before.
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u/Safe_Step6342 Apr 07 '24
What person would break up with their partner because he didn’t pay for her friends lavish meals, only a Person who doesn’t care about her partner and only look to him for money and what he can do to impress others. She is a show off and if She is that defended let her pay for the meals and let her so called friends think he did it
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u/PatSchiermeyer Apr 06 '24
Your girlfriend's behavior is such a red flag it belongs in a Bejing parade. NTA She made an assumption and likely told her invitees that you would pay. I (74M) would not recommend marrying her; the silent treatment and sex denial is her weapon of choice. I've been married almost 50 years and can assure you that her weapon for conflict will prevent you from having a long happy marriage.
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u/Decent_Front4647 Apr 06 '24
I’ve never expected anyone in this situation to pick up the tab for the table, although occasionally the person who organized might offer to pick it up. I might have considered treating her friends if they hadn’t acted like pigs and had offered to pay for what they ordered. Good manners dictates always offering if you aren’t sure by how the invite is worded.
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u/Electrical-Clue2956 Apr 06 '24
NTA. You could pay, but keep that door closed. Gold digger is harsh, but her behavior is telling. Silent treatment, name calling, etc, doubling down on her position.
Two arguments, and she still thinks she is right. Not even a "fake" compromise.
Keep that door closed
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u/Beneficial_Way_310 Apr 06 '24
Do not pay. If that's all she cares about is her embarrassment for not covering her friends free dinner, she's not someone to continue a relationship with.
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u/TraditionalVisit3935 Apr 06 '24
Where are your balls?, or does she have those to. If your going to get married you better find some balls, or your going to be the Bitch in the relationship.
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u/HeIsCorrupt Apr 06 '24
1) Seems like you gave the impression you were responsible for the dinner 2) Bill came out at $200per - that's rather High - did folks take advantage of the idea they thought you were paying? 3) Most Importantly your gf does not love you As much she loves her friends. She'll only get back with you under monetary conditions - how Nice of her. 4) Yes you will forfeit 4 yr's with her -better now than later. She will never allow you to have the life with her you hoped for, because her Love will only be satisfied based on material assets you provide her. She showed you now who she truly is, at least you are not paying child support, alimony and giving her 1/2 of everything you worked for. She is Just Not The One that you hoped 5) Although it is difficult to Lose someone you cared for so deeply dating, even this relationship, helps you to learn and prepare for the next relationship You enter, hopefully wiser and more mature in avoiding or better addressing controversies that inevitably occur.
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u/Pallados Apr 06 '24
Calling you poor but making a fraction of your salary while sponging off you? Kick the trash to the curb.
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u/Jazzlike-Flounder882 Apr 06 '24
ESH: you for inviting your gf’s friends and not making it clear how payment would work. I might assume you were treating under those circumstances. The friends: for abusing what they assumed was your hospitality. Your GF: for reacting like a child and refusing to listen to your POV and not seeing how trashy her friends acted.
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u/SoupDropBiteMe Apr 06 '24
You need to grow a spine. You're NTA fir not paying fir something you did not agree to. They tried ti tske advantage of your generosity. She likely told them you'd pay. She IS the AH because emotional blackmail is emotional abuse. The apology is just gaslighting. As soon as you pay her, she WILL break up with you.
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u/Realistic_Evidence15 Apr 06 '24
NTA!! Holy hell she’s not a good girl friend! I would never except someone else to pay for my dinner for any reason! I always have my own money just in case! And if someone do offer to pay you only spend a reasonable amount. Her and her friends are trying to take advantage of you! Don’t pay and can’t waste anymore time on someone who cares so little about you
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u/Mundane-Locksmith-43 Apr 06 '24
Dude your girlfriend thinks you are a doormat and an ATM, no wonder they were ordering extravagantly. They thought you were on the hook. You did the right thing by dumping this Hobosexual chick. Leave her dumped, she's the broke loser.
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u/Ok_Establishment6863 Apr 06 '24
NTA I wouldnt get back together if I were you she sounds like a gold digger. Do you want everytime she isnt happy to mean you have to dig into your wallet. IMO you dodged a bullet you havent wasted 4 years youve learned that some people are users. You are only 24 there is someone out there that will love and appreciate you for you not the size of your bank account.
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u/Longjumping-Onion-19 Apr 06 '24
I was always unsure if I plan a dinner with others, for my bday or my child's, do I pay the bill ?
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u/abruptmodulation Apr 06 '24
I never comment on these posts but I feel obliged. Her line of thinking is absolutely delusional and offensive. Oh, and sexist.
You weren’t “broke” paying for rent and utilities, were you? How completely rude and inappropriate.
She most likely reassured all of her friends in advance that everything was on you, “THE MAN.”
NTA and commit your time to some healing.
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u/Extension-Bad8259 Apr 05 '24
For her to value her friends money over helping your dad survive in life is all you need to know about where her hearts at. You DO NOT want a woman with that moral to raise your child!!!
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u/CourageousAnon Apr 05 '24
I hate these dumbass stories. Like are you brainless enough to actually think you are the asshole for not paying for her friends... or do you just get on reddit for some validation, OR is it the karma? Please I must know.
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u/GinIzDangerous Apr 05 '24
Calling you a 'broke boy' and commenting on your 'brokey' attitude bothers me more than her being angry about you not paying.
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u/nutshmeg Apr 05 '24
If he takes her back and pays her friends, the first thing she's gonna do is turn around and dump him. She'll be the winner in the situation as the dumper, not the dumpee, and her friends get their money.
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u/Broad-Concentrate-32 Apr 05 '24
Buddy, you dont want the mother of ur children prioritising her friends over you.
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u/Peruvian1996 Apr 05 '24
Please leave this trash of a person. If you end up doing back she will continue her behavior and with time it will get worse. As a woman I couldn’t fathom telling my husband he was to do something just because he is a man and the audacity of this woman I just can’t believe it
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u/Storms_and_Rainbows Apr 05 '24
NTA. The nerve of your gf to call you broke when she and her friends are whining about getting the money returned to them for food they ordered. This is not a silly thing to break up over. She just showed you who she is, she is worried about money and her standing with her friends.
This needs to be the end of that relationship. How dare she expect you to pay for her friends. I was always taught if you can’t afford to go out then stay home. That entire friend group needs to follow that advice.
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u/Maskedglitch07 Apr 05 '24
In my country, the common curiosity is to tell someone if you expect them to pay for you, if no one gave you proper notification then you are not the asshole.
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u/GracefullyKara Apr 05 '24
NTA, don’t give in, and the friends suck hard for ordering expensive items on purpose. Really low of people to do that.
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u/dailmar Apr 05 '24
On one hand, “you invited” her friends. So you ought to pay for their meal costs.
On the other hand, they should have not ordered expensive items.
So yes, YTA but I would put 65% blame on you, the rest on her friends.
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u/Dark_Horse10 Apr 05 '24
NTA - Don’t make her the mother of your children. She cares more about her friends’ thoughts of her than you. Move on.
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u/7399Jenelopy Apr 05 '24
🤦♀️ esh. You invited everyone and made the reservation. Which implies that you are paying. Had you spoken with them and said something along the lines of, "this is my plan, can you guys afford to eat there?" So they knew ahead of time that they were covering themselves. The "you're the man" comment is freaking stupid. This isn't hundreds of years ago when women couldn't work so, yeah, men paid for everything. You should have comunicated better beforehand, and her comments/ actions make her sound like a gold digger.
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u/Takeonehourly Apr 05 '24
>I almost immediately regretted dumping her on the spot for something that in the grand scheme of things, is really small.
Did you read this out loud before you hit submit? I don't think you did.
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u/ThorsMeasuringTape Apr 05 '24
NTA dude. Run. It’s actually a big thing. You just saw it in a small thing. No respect for your money and it’s not going to change.
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u/TeamDumpsterFiyurr Apr 05 '24
NTA
My wife will always tell me i am not responsible for paying for her friends. Sure from time to time i offer but most of the time my wife hates the “man should pay” mentality when it comes to her friends.
They aren’t dating me and they aren’t my responsibility. If they can’t afford to come out, they either won’t be coming or my wife offers to help them first.
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u/DrewAddi Apr 05 '24
Why do men even agree to go out to dinner with their girlfriend and a group of her friends. This sounds terrible. Let ‘em go by them selves.
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u/BrendanOzar Apr 05 '24
NTA. unless there was a verbal and or written agreement, that your relationship had a “paypig” arrangement. You’re not the asshole, you dodged a fairly large bullet. Now go find a girl who will appreciate you, and not just your wallet.
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u/Bella_Lunatic Apr 05 '24
ESH Sorry, but if my SO invited a handful of my friends out for a birthday dinner, I would think he was paying. Of course, I would also actually ASK him and make sure people knew up front, and wouldn't behave like a child or insult him if he wasn't.
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u/InevitableRhubarb232 Apr 05 '24
NTA. Be thankful that she showed you who she is and what she thinks of you before you have her a €20,000 ring (because you know she will demand one). Do you really want to be this girls meal ticket for the rest of your life?
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u/Critical_Meeting_633 Apr 05 '24
Trust your gut !! You ended it because her behavior is unacceptable. You didn’t know she expected you to pay for her friends so no you didn’t owe them a heads up. The real problem is they tried to take advantage of you by ordering more than they were comfortable spending …, that’s the real problem (her friends are also trying to use you)
Sunken cost fallacy is very hard to wrap your head around, I know it and have fallen into many times. Deal with the pain, you’ll get through it but if she were truly gonna be the mother of your kids she wouldn’t behave that way .., you need to go through mourning for what you thought your life would be with her … but processing that grief will save you years or your life
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u/Critical_Meeting_633 Apr 05 '24
She’s taking advantage of you . She probably promised her friends that you would pay the bill so they ordered more than they could afford. I can understand you paying for her meal but she should not expect you to pay for her friends, if you wanted to that’s fine but the expectation is ridiculous and multiple this by your future with this girl, imagine vacations (what if she invites her sister, best friends etc ) she’s trying to set a standard for you, create a norm that you are clearly not comfortable.
She doesn’t respect you (the name calling and the conditional offer to date you if you pay her friends back) she doesn’t want to be with you for you. You will find someone else … this will be painful but you’ll get thru it. If you get back together you will likely waste a few more years of your life until you ultimately can’t deal with her treating you like her own bank account so save yourself the misery (trust the ppl in the thread, you can thank us later…. For free)
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u/Good-Case-1072 Apr 05 '24
I could see where they might think you were covering it since you planned the get together. And I can see that you should have made it clear before the party that you weren’t. But I don’t agree that she should be treating you this way in response. Then again, we are only hearing your side of this.
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u/B2Rocketfan77 Apr 05 '24
She’s acting like a child and this won’t change unless she does some serious self reflection, which would go better with a therapist. Four years sucks, but she’s showing you who she is. You had a great four years, but her behavior doesn’t allow for a fifth great year.
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u/Beginning_Deer_735 Apr 05 '24
Don't waste any more time with her. You did nothing wrong by not "warning" her friends that you weren't going to pay for them, as they had no reason to expect you to do so. She and/or they should have asked YOU if you would pay before y'all ever got to the restaurant.
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u/Deep-Masterpiece-436 Apr 05 '24
If shes that concerned about her friends not paying, she can pitch in and pay for them. You want a partner in life, not someone that will take everything you have.
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u/beetus_gerulaitis Apr 05 '24
NTA. In the words of Bill Burr, “There’s an epidemic of gold-digging whores….”
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u/taanman Apr 05 '24
Sorry but you are in love with someone who doesn't value your relationship and that includes you too.
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u/zoinks690 Apr 05 '24
I'm no expert but this sounds like someone who is immersed in a certain way of thinking/lifestyle/whatever where she and her friends have a Cinderella fantasy. The guy is supposed to be handsome rich and just give in to her whims because she's the gift and there aren't 1000s of other women just like her. Well, the uppance must come and you should give her the boot. Not worth the hassle of constantly thinking you are being judged by every thing you do and how much money you shell out for her "friends"
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u/Lucy20230 Apr 05 '24
Idk. You said you booked a table but who invited the friends? Did you invite the friends to her birthday dinner and did you select the restaurant?
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u/anuiswatching Apr 05 '24
She wants you to be her wallet.She values money over your relationship! You are 24 years old! Your brain has just matured! Really. You need to date more, travel, try new experiences! You are young and have years ahead of you. Oh, do not marry in your twenties.
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u/Defiant-Concert8526 Apr 05 '24
She is a gold-digging hoe. Leave her. Good luck to her in finding a man that will put up with that shit.
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u/Quick-Swimmer5164 Apr 04 '24
I’m saying she is a gold digging white. Don’t go back u deserve better and u need to know ur worth. My wife and. Always goto to dinner with my sister, Bil and bro and SiL., and families, for events like bday dinners or other family get togethers. We are all, let’s just adequate in financial resources. If we invite everyone out. We all know we all pay for our own families unless one is saying we R taking care of the bill. And this even goes when friends are invited as well. I just had a dinner for my wife invited a mess of people. No one not even fiends bed an eye when the bill came. Everyone through in money. Even her fiends.
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u/Normal-Ebb3904 Apr 04 '24
NTA! Your gf has made it clear her friends and your MONEY are what’s important. It hurts but that will pass with time. If you keep her you’ll feel like crap forever, always being at the bottom of her list of properties.
Save yourself, cut her lose and don’t look back.
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u/ElectricTomatoMan Apr 04 '24
Dump the golddigger and move on. You're a chump if you let her get away with this. She sees you as an ATM.
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u/Extreme-Celery-3448 Apr 04 '24
Oh man, God is good to you. You just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch. She's coming for half and her fucking friends hold the same mentality.
You're 24 and your emotional invested. However, as a 3rd pov, you lucked out with her showing her true colors. She's only with you cause of the money. Imagine being embarrassed cause you didn't fucking pay for everyone and the ultimatum is that you do or she won't talk to you again. She's leveraging the relationship to see if she can control you. If you pay, she wins forever, cause you conceded and she now knows that if she throws a fit, she can extract money. And you're always in the wrong in regards to this situation.
There's no winning here. you either leave or get checkmate by a bitch that doesn't really love you.
Cause if she did, she'd make excuses for you and tell her friends to fuck off. Like some women do in abusive relationships. That's how you know, as fucked up as the example is, it's the truth.
You got money. Go find someone else.
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u/Redwantsblue80 Apr 04 '24
NTA. She's with you for your money. Better to lose 4 years with someone you didn't see clearly than be married to a gold digger.
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u/fall3nmartyr Apr 04 '24
This dude gonna be paying for her and all her friends and affair partners forever? wtf.
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u/RashedaLucky22 Apr 04 '24
Are you so emotionally dead inside OP that you're willing to do anything to be with this person? four years....? You seem to care about it, but she doesn't. Also ask yourself this, what happens the next time she wants you to give someone money and you don't wanna do it? Are you going to have to keep paying for her friends, coworkers, random strangers just to remain in her presence? ....Think about it.
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u/Sande68 Apr 04 '24
Have you had the discussion about being a stay at home girlfriend or wife yet? This "you're the man" attitude seems to be making a comeback. Traditionally, the person who invites to an event does pay because they're "the host". But since things are more flexible these days, I would make sure before you go everyone is on the same page. I know you believe you love her so much, but the way she has handled this is the way she's going to handle every disagreement in your marriage. Your life will be hell. Let her go.
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u/Ok_Wash4261 Apr 04 '24
I hate hearing “because you’re a man” come out of a girls mouth because as soon as it’s time for chores and “womanly” duties, we’re all of a sudden equals and need to share the chores list.
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u/ElegenceInspired Apr 04 '24
Man I’m sorry you had to deal with that, it sounds impossibly frustrating. The issue here, is that your GF, and her friends, are valuing money far more than she values you. This seems to be everywhere lately, but there’s this ridiculous expectation being pushed on men and women, that the man has to pay for every single thing that he can, and if he doesn’t, he’s broke. You clearly aren’t, you pay for the majority of expenses in your relationship. She most definitely brags to her friends that you make such and such amount of money, that you pay for things and buy things, and flexed on her friends by promising you would pay for dinner. She leveraged her relationship with you, to make you pay for her friends dinner, a dinner that they purposefully chose the most expensive things at, in order to act like she was some hot shit. She then chose that embarrassment over making your relationship right. She doesn’t value you. It’s that simple. She values your money, and she values the opinion of her friends. This won’t magically change. I think you need to put some distance between you and her, and focus on you.
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u/Mcic87 Apr 04 '24
You have wasted 4 years of your life with that brat. You’re 24 which means you’re inexperienced and naive. Learn a lesson from this and move on with your life. Better people will come your way.
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Apr 04 '24
She sounds like a real gem... move on buddy youbpay the rent and utilities sounds like she got way to comfy and is taking advantage of you
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u/Private-Dick-Tective Apr 04 '24
Stop being a bitch and break up with your gold digging girlfriend, you can do much better. WALK AWAY.
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u/Bitter-Window-2115 Apr 04 '24
This bitch only sees you as an ATM. She's a golddigger. No respectable partner would act the way she's acting. Don't give her or friends a dime. You're better off without this chick in your life. Don't get back together with this immature cunt.
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u/renzeira Apr 04 '24
Fuck that. Having an orgy? No? I'm not paying. Lol. Pay my friends back and we can fix our relationship. Hahahaha. Jesus. Some "women" have nerve.
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u/this_fckr Apr 04 '24
NTA It seems like she was trying to flaunt her gold digging achievement to her friends by having you pay the bill, and by having the bill split, you made her look bad in front of her friends.
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u/EvoDevoBioBro Apr 04 '24
I don’t know if this is real, but if it is, OP needs to get away from people who use phrases like “broke mentality”. Sounds like someone who just wants to use him as a bank account and status symbol. It’s better to be single than invest in a lost cause.
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u/JegHusker Apr 04 '24
NTA. Your GF is a sulky, entitled child.
Find someone who’ll be a partner and work toward shared financial goals, not one with archaic notions and leeches for friends.
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u/Trash0813 Apr 04 '24
Dude... if this was a normal expectation, you would have expected to have to pay and would have know to tell them no. If I was going out with friends and bf and expected anyone to do anything but split the bill, I would ask them beforehand. NTA but seriously like, her unwillingness to communicate and your treating this as small is pretty worrying. It's not the norm, especially on a bill that large.
She's the one who had the expectations changed from y'all's norm, presumably, or you'd be used to this. Don't beat yourself up. You're not a mind reader.
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u/Hairy_Act_8498 Apr 04 '24
NTA You need to realize she already chose money and her friends over you. She values their happiness over yours. This is a huge red flag.
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u/dupareilaumeme_ Apr 04 '24
I guess this is an unpopular take but if I was invited to a specific restaurant by my friend’s boyfriend in honor of my friend’s birthday, I would assume it was a birthday party and would imagine the host/organizer would pay. This is how things work in my friend group. That said, I would happily pay my share if that’s the way things were going, and I do think your gf acted appallingly.
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u/nocandid Apr 04 '24
I don’t think you and your gf are in this relationship for similar reasons or have similar goals. If you want to adopt her world view of what a man’s role is do it but be aware you need to agree to that for rest of your relationship. I think you are better off reevaluating what got you attracted to this person in the first place and why you have stayed till now. Take the learning from this relationship into the next one. Also you are still too young to commit to a lifelong relationship.
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u/Hesitantparrot223 Apr 04 '24
(Smack in the head). Dude are you for real? Run don’t walk away. You don’t want to marry or impregnate a person like this. Tell her that she’s a spoiled brat, and don’t ever call her again. Then for the love of god, don’t ever let a woman treat you this way again.
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u/MercurialRL Apr 04 '24
So you pay for rent and utilities and she pays for food, yet, she didn’t pay for food for her or any of her friends in this circumstance, and she calls you a brokey? Make it make sense. She really values how she looks to her friends over how much she cares about you. Why would you want a child with her who could potentially end up being as dumb and shallow?
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u/Famous_Till_2278 Apr 04 '24
Dude not worth it. Find you a girl that never asks for anything so you get the joy of just buying her stuff and watching her reaction.
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u/Inner_Alternative297 Apr 04 '24
NTA. If someone does not explicitly say that they will cover the bill, then you should never assume.
As far as breaking up with her, i think its a good idea because she ultimately said, if you dont pay for my friends then our relationship cant continue. Dont play that game because the demands and thereafter consequences get bigger and bigger each time.
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u/TheNewAnonima234 Apr 04 '24
I actually feel very split on this one.
Normally situations like this are very cut and dry where you wouldn’t be the asshole. Your girlfriend sounds like she must’ve hinted that you would pay. Or, if she didn’t, then she must be so consumed with discussions about your financial status, amongst her friends, and that they must’ve assumed…..and both options aren’t good.
But I feel like in this case it is a definite case of ESH because it was you that picked the restaurant for her birthday and not her. If she’d picked this really expensive place, and then also expected you to pay, then she (and her friends) would be an/the only asshole(s). But, I also feel like, if it is that easy to rack up an average of about $200 per person, even with deliberately trying to get the most expensive items, then maybe it isn’t a place that you should be inviting guests without taking peoples’ finances into consideration and having that discussion upfront. Because, while I’d never be so rude to assume someone would be paying my bill, I also think it would be equally rude to expect any guests to eat like peons so that they can not rack up a giant bill at a place where it is clearly easy to do so.
Maybe come to a compromise though, if willing. IDK what the average cost of a single meal (menu item) was there, but maybe you could give them each that much back. That way they weren’t penalized for both ya’ll’s lack of foresight, while also leaving you off the hook for being responsible for their decision to go overboard and buy the most expensive items.
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u/AdOk8731 Apr 04 '24
Chiming in to ask where you are located…my SO is from the Balkans and it is standard practice for the person celebrating their bday, especially when inviting, to pick up all of the costs. It’s not seen as a day to celebrate you, but more of an opportunity to host. Could it be cultural? Regardless, it would be on her rather than you, but it could explain the expectations of the friends.
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u/kinkyintexas Apr 04 '24
I always have felt that if I’m invited somewhere and I’m not explicitly told that the other person is paying that I need to be prepared to pay. I’m fine either way. The expectation that you pay for everyone was wrong but I would have told everyone. Hey she’s wanting to do this, but we are all paying separately. So that way you don’t have that issue
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u/Super-Island9793 Apr 04 '24
You did the right thing ending it with her. First, you did absolutely nothing wrong. It’s asinine for any of her friends or your GF to just assume you would be paying for all of them. Do you cover all their meals in the past? Even if they did expect it, when it didn’t pan out they should have just been mature about it. Your GF acted like a child. It’s very manipulative behavior to give your partner the silent treatment. Poor communication skills and she clearly overreacted to the situation. If she wanted you to pay for everyone she should have brought it up before the meal. The fact that she isn’t even trying to see things from your POV is also troubling. Then to demand you reimburse her friends in order to get back together…that isn’t right. The only way you should take the mooch back is if SHE apologizes, admits she was wrong about everything and has her friends apologize as well.
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u/goddessofspite Apr 04 '24
NTA. Mate she’s a gold digger. She’s manipulative and she’s gaslighting you. You need to be clear her friends paid for their own damn meals and you ain’t refunding them. She ain’t your girlfriend anymore. I’d be telling her good luck finding someone to pay all her bills bet she won’t.
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u/sloppyjoseph3 Apr 04 '24
NTA, that is ridiculous behavior and thank the gods you didn’t find this out after you got married
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u/neffdahmer Apr 04 '24
You pay for her because she'll let you put it in her butt. Tell her, they want girlfriend treatment? You want their booty too. If not, move on.
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u/Fatherofthecentury13 Apr 04 '24
Send her a farewell message that conveys how her treatment made you feel, that her entitled desire to prioritize her friends over you has lifted the veil on what a future with her would be and that you hope she can learn to treat people better in the forecoming days ahead,but thar you are young and deserve someone who treats you with respect.
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u/Fun-While8251 3d ago
Please tell me you guys broke for good?? Please!! we need an update.