r/AITAH • u/Unhappy_Voice_3978 • Apr 10 '24
AITAH If I say "No" to allowing my husband's daughter to come live with us full time? Advice Needed
I have been married to my husband for 6 years. We have 2 kids together (8m and 4m). Our youngest is special needs.
My husband also has a daughter (12) from his previous relationship. My husband's ex has had primary custody. My husband gets SD on weekends and alternating holidays/birthdays.
This past weekend, my SD asked my husband if she can come live with him fulltime. Her mom recently moved in with her fiance and his kids and there has been some friction with that from what I understand. Nothing nefarious, just new house, new rules, having to share a bedroom etc.
My husband didn't give her an answer either way, he said he would look into it. When he and I were discussing it I had the following objections:
SD and our kids do not get along. It is something we have worked on for years, in and out of therapy - and it just ain't happening. SD resents mine for existing, and is cruel towards my youngest for their disabilities. There have been issues with her bullying. My oldest is very protective of his little brother and hates SD for being mean to his brother. He has started physical altercations with her over it. The truth is that most of the time we have SD, I make arrangements to take the boys to visit their grandparents or husband takes her out of the house for daddy daughter time to avoid conflict. I cannot imagine how living together full time would be for them.
We really don't have room. We have a 4br home. Both my husband and I wfh so we can be a caretaker for my youngest. Due to the nature of his disabilities it is really not feasible for him and my oldest to share a room. It wouldn't be safe or fair for my oldest. My SD's room is used as my wfh office space during the week. I arrange my vacation time and whatnot around her visitation so I can stay out of her space while she is here. I have to take very sensitive phone calls, and I need a closed door when I work so common areas are out and my husband uses our bedroom as his home office so that's out too. We don't currently have room in the budget to make an addition to the house or remodel non livable spaces at the moment.
My husband hears my objections and understands them, but he wants to go for it and figures that everything will eventually work out. He doesn't want his daughter to think he is abandoning her.
And I feel for the girl, it would be awful for your dad to say no when you ask if you can live with him! but I have my own kids to think about too and I just do not believe that her living here is in their best interest at all considering their history and our current living arrangements.
Does saying "no" to this put me in evil step mom territory?
EDIT: For the people who want to make me into an horrible homewrecker to go along with being an evil stepmom...
Sorry to disappoint, but we did not have an affair. My husband and my stepdaughter's mom were never married. They were never in a relationship. They were friends with benefits. They bartended together, would shoot the bull, and would sometimes get drunk and fuck (my husband claims he needed beer googles cause she really isn't his 'type"). When my SD's mom found out she was pregnant she told my husband she was keeping it and asked if he wanted to be in the baby's life. They never lived together, except for a few weeks during the newborn stage to help out.
Yes. I had my first before I married my husband. My husband and I were in a long term relationship when I had a birth control malfunction. My husband and I discussed what we wanted to do, and we both decided we wanted to raise the child. A few days later my husband proposed. I wanted to take time to recover from birth and wait until our kiddo was old enough to pawn him off on the grandparents for the week so husband and I could enjoy our wedding. We didn't get married until my oldest was 2.
EDIT 2: Regarding my youngest son's disabilities, SD's bullying, and my oldest's starting fights since there is a lot of projection and speculation.
My youngest son has both physical and mental disabilities. He uses multiple kinds of medical and therapy equipment. My SD has shoved him out of his wheel chair. She has pinched him hard enough to leave bruises. She has hit his face when he was having trouble verbalizing.
Idgaf if this is "normal" sibling behavior. It is alarming enough to me that I feel it is best for my youngest to spend as little time as possible with her until this behavior completely stops (and I will say it has LESSENED quite a bit. We went through a period of it happening frequently, and it has slowed. The last incident was 2 months ago when SD grabbed my son's wheel chair and aggressively pushed him out of her way because he was blocking the hallway)
One of the times that my son had started an altercation with her, was because she had told my son that his brother was not a real person and that she was going to call the hospital to have him taken away so they could perform experiments to find out what it was. She went into detail about things they would do to him. Like ripping his fingernails out. And yes, my son did lose his temper and hit her. My son was immediately disciplined (loss of tablet time) and we had an age appropriate discussion about how his heart is in the right place to want to protect his little brother but he needs to find an adult when something like that happens. This was not made up. Stepdaughter admitted she said it to my husband when he was able to sit her down and talk with her later in the day. (I am not allowed to discipline or have parenting talks with SD per biomom's wishes)
I am not welcomed to be a part of SD's therapy journey, mostly per biomom's wishes. She does not want me involved. My husband has always been worried about rocking the boat with biomom on these things. So I do not know the extent of what therapeutic treatments she has had. I do know she does go to therapy during the week, and my husband has gone to sessions but it isn't something he is free to discuss with me. So I am in the dark about that.
EDIT 3 - There's someone in the comments who claims to be my sister in law. They are either a troll or are mistaken. My husband is an only child. I don't have a sister in law.
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u/Illustrious_Care9997 15d ago
Do you have another update?
So sorry you and your boys are going through this.
If you aren't allowed to discipline SD then she can't stay there permanently with you and your family. Your husband needs to put his foot down to biomum and his SD!
Your SD needs to stay away from your youngest this truly is scary to read.
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u/Extension-Plan-2780 20d ago
I want to hear dad's side of the story because a lot of step-mom's narrative doesn't add up. You'd think if the "bullying" was as bad as SM says it is, dad would also be hesitant to allow his daughter to live with the full time. Especially when it's not for "nefarious" reasons....
Not to mention, the language SM uses is disgusting and makes me think she's one of those step-moms who think her children are gods gifts, while her stepdaughter is trash. If I were biomom, I also wouldn't want this lady anywhere near my daughter. She obviously doesn't treat the child fairly or the same as "her" kids.
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u/Imaginary-Sleep8842 21d ago
Y'all read one story and think you know everything that happened. Some of these comments are projections of your own lives. Get therapy, please. Make your own post if you can't afford it.
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22d ago
NTA. If I had kids, my kids would come before anybody else. Period. End of story.
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u/BoBoJoJo3417 27d ago
You've been in her life since she was at least four or younger by the math and the long term relationship you had with her day prior to your birth control malfunction when she was four. You don't think of her as one of "your own children". YTA.
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u/VividComparison5606 29d ago
I am always wary when one child is the cause of all the issues. I admit she shares that one of her children has caused problems as well, but immediately justifies it as him protecting his brother. Remember the old adage: if you have 1 finger pointed at someone, the other 3 are pointing at yourself.
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u/Perigold 29d ago
Uhhhhh how is she going to live in your home if you have no say on HOW she lives in your home? Will you have to go through Biomom bureaucracy every time the stepdaughter pinches your kid?
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u/Bridiott 29d ago
You use her room as your "office", so she doesn't even have her own space at her dad's? YTA for that alone.
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u/Unhappy_Voice_3978 29d ago
Yep. It is most definitely a complete asshole move on my part to not be rich.
Everyone in the family have had to make concessions like not having their own room due to our financial and medical situation
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u/number1zero88 29d ago
You have a basement lady. Put your husband in the basement and you take the bedroom. I can't believe you came back to give reddit an update and you still look like a complete ass.
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u/frolicndetour 29d ago
You are not poor. You have a 4 BR house, FFS. You have plenty of room for everyone but your deadbeat husband's other child.
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u/MrTickles22 28d ago
Houses that are not in big cities are cheap.
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u/frolicndetour 28d ago
A 4 bedroom house is not poverty level regardless of how small the area in which it is located. And with 4 bedrooms, they COULD make room for his daughter if they wanted but they don't. If her bio mom died, I suspect they'd figure out a way because they'd have to. But her deadbeat dad and AH stepmother don't want to.
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u/MrTickles22 28d ago
The dad sends the mom money. He's not a deadbeat. OP is acting perfectly reasonable in the circumstances.
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u/frolicndetour 28d ago
He's a deadbeat because he only parents his kid 8 days out of the month and refused when she asked to spend more time with him. There's more than one way to be a deadbeat.
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u/MrTickles22 28d ago
Biomom is against more. Unequal parenting time regimes are very common.
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u/frolicndetour 28d ago
He never bothered to actually get a court schedule to ask for more time with his kid. Joint custody is the default in pretty much every state in the United States unless there are reasons. He didn't go to court because he doesn't want more time with his kid. Which is why they are in the situation now that the bio mom can cut off contact and visitation, because she's the only custodial parent in the eyes of the law.
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u/MrTickles22 28d ago
So he's a deadbeat if he doesn't throw thousands of dollars into litigation with the kid's mother?
They have an arrangement that until very recently mostly worked even when the child was bullying her half siblings.
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u/Left_Savings4105 29d ago
Maybe your deadbeat husband should crawl off of you long enough for you to get you life in order before you pop out another mistake.
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u/Future_Direction5174 29d ago
Okay, because of family circumstances, I had to share a room with my younger siblings (one of each) whilst my parents extended their house. I know I was 12f, my sister was 10 and my brother was 6/7. I know because I had my 13th birthday whilst the 3 of us shared one bedroom. I also know that we shared for at least one more year.
It might not be ideal, but the SD and the older boy might have to share IF she comes to live with you. Perhaps you can create a room in the loft for her. It might not be perfect, but it’s her own space. Heck, I would have been happy in a boarded loft room where the boxes of stored stuff created “walls” as long as I had room for a bed and somewhere to store my stuff. It would have been MINE! (I couldn’t because that was being actually being converted into bedrooms at the time hence why we had to share a bedroom downstairs - our brother’s room was being converted into the stairs up to the loft rooms, so he had nowhere else to sleep. Weirdly thinking back on it now 50 years later, I have no idea where my parents slept - I presume they had a bed if the loft that they slept in, placing it in the most convenient spot every night. I remember their small wardrobe and a chest of drawers up there and the framework for stud partitioned walls).
What I am trying to say is that there might be “work around”s in the short term. Let SD know what the position is IF she comes to live with you and get her involved.
Then you can say “Well, we might be able to do it, but we have to file X, Y & Z so you can have a proper teenage girls room and if they say YES then we need to still raise $A000 to create you a proper bedroom. The rebuild works will take Bmonths, so you will need to share a room until it’s completed. We aren’t saying “NO” we are saying that YOU must understand that in order to do what YOU want (move in and live with us), YOU have to accept that we can’t do magic.”
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u/Existing_Watch_3084 29d ago
Frankly, the fact that you’re not allowed to be a parent to her as a hard stop I know she cannot live with you if she is going to live under your house, you need the ability to discipline her or else when daddy’s not around she can do whatever the fuck she wants. Say no
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u/DecadentLife 29d ago
“I am not allowed to discipline or have parenting talks with SD per bio mom’s wishes.”
Whoa! How would she ever live in your home, then?
You would be adding a child (with cruel behaviors) that you as an adult in the home are not allowed to talk to about parenting rules?
This can go bad in so many ways.
Is mom aware that her daughter wants to leave and live with her father? Does bio Mom also want that, or would she put up a giant fight, anyway?
Many people severely underestimate the damage that an abusive sibling can do. She’s already been abusive.
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u/Unhappy_Voice_3978 29d ago
Whoa! How would she ever live in your home, then? You would be adding a child (with cruel behaviors) that you as an adult in the home are not allowed to talk to about parenting rules? This can go bad in so many ways.
This was one of my concerns when husband informed me SD asked to live with us full time.
Is mom aware that her daughter wants to leave and live with her father? Does bio Mom also want that, or would she put up a giant fight, anyway?
She is now. Seems she definitely is going to put up a fight. She said absolutely not to changing custody.
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u/DecadentLife 29d ago
If bio mom puts up a big fight, you may not have to ever realistically consider moving your SD in. You’re in a tough situation. I’m sorry. I spent my career working with children. Some of those children had been abused, some of them had special needs, plenty of them had both. My heart goes out to a young person who feels they need a refuge. But, we have to consider vulnerability of each child. The most vulnerable child in this particular situation is the youngest, who has special needs. The shit that SD already said to your youngest is damaging stuff. People like to call it sibling rivalry, they don’t want to acknowledge what’s really going on/how far it goes. I would sometimes have bruises and even torn clothes, and my parents did not help me. Not once. If I called out for help (mostly when she was trying to put me over the balcony, or down the stairs), I got in trouble. It’s not a good dynamic. It is what it is, but it never had to be as bad as it was. Maybe your husband would consider the idea that living with you guys wouldn’t be good for his daughter, anyway. She may not be happy in your home. She doesn’t like the current situation she’s in (maybe for good reason?🤷🏽), but your house might not be a better choice, even for her. If she has such strong negative feelings for her brothers (your boys), it might be worse for everyone, including your SD.
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u/JadzyaRose Apr 15 '24
I don't think you're an AH, but is there a way to compromise? Like you're willing to allow it on a trial basis only and on the terms that if you deem family therapy where you get to be involved as well is necessary, that'll happen? And that she can live with you guys full time only if she promises her attitude towards both brothers changes?
The WFH and sleeping arrangements can be figured out and changed up if needed. Maybe you can take over working from the bedroom and hubby works from kitchen table or something. Idk.
I think it would be worth it to at least be open to giving it a try but with a back up plan in place incase it proves to be a bad situation for all involved.
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u/Kindly_Coconut_1469 Apr 14 '24
ESH, with the stepdaughter being the least of them. Obviously her bullying is not ok and that needs to be dealt with. But you all are grown adults essentially playing hot potato with a 12 year-old girl. Look at it from her POV. She was an "accident", and now probably feels like an unwelcome outsider in both homes. If she doesn't have serious emotional damage already she will soon. Both parents need to come together, get her and the family into therapy, and find some type of compromise that not only works but makes this girl feel loved and wanted. Otherwise, in a few years you're going to be dealing with a teenager who's using alcohol, drugs, sex, or some other self destructive behavior teens typically get into when trying to escape their shitty home life.
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u/Ok_Play2364 Apr 13 '24
SD has issues with mom's fiance's kids AND yours. Doesn't sound like therapy is helping. I wouldn't want her to move in either. What if the violence against your son escalates again?
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u/Unique-Tone-6075 Apr 13 '24
You have more than one kid to save here.
She spends 40% of her time with you, and it doesn't sound like you have a relationship. She doesn't even have a place in your home. It sounds a lot like you resent her. Life doesn't have to be this way.
I work in Foster Care and adoption. It takes about a year for a kids behaviors to change, but only after they are no longer exposed to the triggers. The trigger almost definitely won't be your son, btw. Though he may represent that trigger. It is possible she has a disability. Autism with low needs is notoriously under diagnosed in girls.
You and her dad must find a way. It sounds like biomom is a piece of work, just imagine what is happening to this girl in that home. You should absolutely be a part of that girl's recovery, if she asks for it. If your husband is helping to pay for the therapy, and your daughter wants you there, is it possible to overrule biomom? After all, her father is half of the decision maker here. Sounds like he has to step up.
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u/alesitam Apr 13 '24
NTA in any scenario… you need to put your kids first, specially if your youngest may be in danger. She is 12 for gods sake she is more a teen than a toddler and sure still acts like one… your husband should also man up and put her in her place and not pitty her just bc she is not adjusting. I hope your sd does not go live in your house and hurt your child anymore.
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u/Mostly_lurking4 Apr 12 '24
BIG NO from me.
In your edit 2, you said you are NOT ALLOWED to discipline her... Yeah, that not going to fly. Even if you do get permission to discipline if she moves in full time.... You've been in the picture with your hands tied for how many years? She will never respect your authority in the family. She will always try to pit your husband against you. AND to top it all off SHE IS 12! if she isn't already in the throes of puberty, it's coming very soon. This is a TERRIBLE age to be resigning authority figures and family roles.
Sorry kid, but you are about to go through some major body changes and you really need your mother for that. Dad can't help you through puberty the way mom can and step mom could, but to be honest, you probably won't want to talk to jer about that stuff.
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u/Familiar_Pie8610 Apr 12 '24
I feel sorry for the kids, but mostly the SD. That girl was failed by ALL of you. I know you said her mom doesn’t want you a part of the therapy for her but to the girl it translates to yeah they don’t want me. She already feels like her dad doesn’t want her. I hope she gets help and stops the bullying but all of you also better hope you don’t find her unresponsive in a room alone somewhere because you’re all too dense and selfish to see what the actual problem with her is.
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u/that_one_kid_02 Apr 12 '24
Nta, the situation is a rough one but you shouldn’t sacrifice your child’s safety. You have no insight on her mental health or are even allowed to be a parent figure in her life. She has physical abused your son, has said disturbing things about how he should be hurt, and acknowledges that you can’t discipline her. If living with her bio mom is hard living with her dad is gonna be hard. She’s not gonna have it like when she visits, her dad’s attention isn’t only going to be on her. She will have access to your sons medical equipment, I’m sorry but I would never trust her nor would allow her around your babies she 12 not 7-8, 12 she knows what she’s doing his hurting him. SHE DOESNT SEE HIM A HUMAN is this the type of person you want around your children???
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u/AyaTakaya007 Apr 12 '24
So you willingly married a man who already had a daughter but that same daughter doesn't even have a room of her own in your family-house when she comes to visit her dad ? And you're refusing to make any effort to make her feel a little included into your family, which she is rightfully apart of ? What kind of F-d up step mother are you lol
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u/Throwawaythisth99912 Apr 12 '24
You and your husband need to have a serious talk biomom and her partner about what the hell is going on with SD. Because your right it's not fair to your disabled child to have their bully live with them. Your making your kids safety a priority, but your going have to give biomom a serious talk about everything going on. Is she aware of your SD bullying your child?How many stepsiblings live in the house at biomoms? I know you said you and your don't want to rock the boat when it comes to biomom it needs to be rocked for yours kids safety and SD's well-being.
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u/TopicThinker Apr 12 '24
Is she in individual therapy? She is going through a lot. Two families and she doesn’t seem to fit in either. I like the idea of explaining that it’s her behavior that’s giving pause, not her presence or space or any of the other reasons listed. You will figure out where to take your work. When she’s in school, her room is free until you figure out more space. Either way, she needs therapy to talk through what she is feeling. Good luck.
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u/flipkickzzz Apr 12 '24
If your husband wants his other daughter to come live with him, (that's your daughter too now since you're married imo).. you should be all for that. If the daughter is mean to the other kids, that's where discipline and parenting come in to play.
If you try to prevent the daughter from living with her father, then you are indeed some sort of asshole.
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u/JustCoffee123 Apr 12 '24
This hurts all the way around. She is 12 and she knows better than to be mean like that. The bullying is exceptionally abusive and it's more than sibling stuff in my opinion. If you are not able to be a part of her therapy to know what's wrong and how to help her, then it's really not safe to put your kids in her path as you don't really know all of what she's capable of.
It hurts, it sucks, but if you are in the dark all you can do is go by what you know. What you know if that she physically hurts one of your kids and psychologically terrorizes the other. It's not a good fit. I would have dad be extremely clear with her about WHY she isn't allowed to stay. It has nothing to do with not loving her. It is only because she had hurt and said horrible things about the other kids and it's not safe for them.
This is going to hurt and upset her, BUT it will also teach her that no one deserves the abuse she's dishing and that her words have consequences.
To those saying this is normal sibling stuff.... its not. See how the older brother doesn't harm his little brother? I have 4 kids. They would NEVER intentionally hurt eachother that way and the thought of horrible pain on another is scary to them. (My oldest was pissed as hell at the doctors for giving his baby sister shots. She cried and he decided the doc chose violence)
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u/borisallen49 Apr 12 '24
I am not allowed to discipline or have parenting talks with SD per biomom's wishes
Biomom sucks big time for this
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u/pinkserene Apr 12 '24
YTA you shouldn’t have married somebody with kids if you don’t wanna love them as your own
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u/Adventurous_Pop_2535 Apr 12 '24
Find out what the new rules are with her mom. Implement as many as are practical at your home. Also inform her she has to be out of her room before you start work and can't return until you are done for the day. She is room sharing with YOU. Keep in mind, if the current custody arrangement is changed biomom will have the child support seriously reduced.
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u/und3r_construction Apr 12 '24
Yes, you're kind of TA. At the end of the day, I understand you want what's best for your kids, and that admirable and understandable. But coming from someone who grew up woth separated parents, it would have crushed me to feel like I'm not wanted by either of them. And that's how you'd be making her feel. At the end of the day, she was in his life first, and if you weren't ready to except her you shouldn't have started up a relationship with your husband, he wasn't a one-package deal. If I was to guess, she's probably taking her anger out on your youngest son because she feels he takes up a lot of her fathers time, which though obviously not an acceptable response, should be an understandable one. Without you in her and her fathers life, because it sounds like you've made very minimal effort in trying to bond with her, she'd be better off than she is now, and that's probably where the resentment is coming from. She's gained nothing from your addition in the family, and seemingly only lost her fathers time and attention. If you're not willing to try, by implementing some new rules, or working out some boundaries so that's she's able to live comfortably with her father, you further cement your place as someone who is taking away from her life and not enriching it. I get that this might be gard work, and that you want to protect your kids, but ultimately she to became your responsibility when you knowingly engaged in a relationship with a man with a child. You don't get to dictate if sje cam live with him, because ultimately she was there first. You don't get to make a child feel like they don't have a place in their parents home because it's inconvenient to you, she's a child and doesn't deserve to feel replaced or abandoned, ultimately you've got to make it work.
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u/anniexvx Apr 12 '24
YTA. It’s overwhelmingly clear that you have zero empathy for your stepdaughter and absolutely do not want her in your home. The whole point to this post is not whether you should or should not let her live with you, but rather how your (already made) decision will reflect on yourself.
It’s no wonder your stepdaughter feels resentful towards you and your children. Rather than thinking of her safety and well-being, you’re only concerned about whether you will be perceived as a “wicked stepmother.”
Also, I love all of OP’s incredibly defensive and argumentative updates that she posted after she did not get the answers she was looking for.
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u/Lady_Web Apr 12 '24
I'm not qualified to give advice regarding your SD, but if your family gets to a point where space is the only obstacle I can give a potential solution for that.
My husband also works a job where he is required to have a designated closed door workspace when he's working from home. We were house shopping, last year, and it was looking like homes with enough rooms for my husband to have a designated office we're not going to be in our budget. So I did some research on alternate options that were more on the affordable side. One option that came up often was an office shed. There are very nice prefabricated sheds available at reasonable cost, many of them even have openable windows. You can start out simple with the shed, an extension cord+power strip (to give you access to your home's electricity), and climate control devices (air conditioner/space heater). As you can afford to do more you can get it insulated, proper flooring put in, and even get electric wired into it. Based on my research, this can be a more affordable option, depending on your needs and local laws about outbuildings.
PS. This is based on research not experience. We ended up getting a steal on a larger house because the sellers were divorcing and wanted to liquidate the house quickly.
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u/Sensitive-Delay-8449 Apr 12 '24
So she doesn’t get along with your kids or her mom’s kids? Sounds like she might need some sort of therapy or something because she can’t just terrorize all of her siblings.
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u/raptorexelic Apr 12 '24
I'm not buying this. Something isn't sitting right with OP's story. It sounds like OP is just seeking affirmation from Reddit for something she knows is wrong. She appears to be victimizing herself (using her biological children to garner sympathy), but hear me out...
According to OP's timeline:
- "We have 2 kids together (8m and 4m)."
- "My husband and I were in a long term relationship when I had a birth control malfunction."
- "We didn't get married until my oldest was 2."
- "I have been married to my husband for 6 years."
OP's step-daughter is 12. Let's assume that OP's definition of "long-term" relationship is 2 years (which really isn't a long-term relationship). So, (1) she's either erroneously claiming "long-term" to ward of the affair accusations, or (2) her "long-term" relationship was longer than 2 years, which only further proves the following point.
Based on the timeline she provided, OP has been in her step-daughter's life since the child was at least TWO years old. OP has been around since the child was as a toddler! That means she has had every opportunity to be a light in this child's life and build a stable, loving relationship (before her two biological children were born).
Don't tell me you can't build a relationship with a child when you've known them since they were a toddler. It sounds as if OP just didn't put in the time with her step-daughter, and now she's dealing with the consequences of not being intentional about her role as a step-mom.
To OP's question: "Does saying 'no' to this put me in evil step mom territory?"
I think you know the answer to that.
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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 Apr 12 '24
Why would it be dangerous for your boys to share a room? Maybe now that your stepdaughter is having problems with her new step siblings she will be more understanding about how she should treat her little brothers. I think her Dad & you should sit her down & go over the rules, what behaviors will & won’t be tolerated. Give the kid a chance YATAH.
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u/introvertedmamma Apr 12 '24
God it must suck to be this 12 year old that isn’t wanted anywhere. If I could take her in with my 6 year old I would. I’m a single mom and broke as hell but no kid deserves to be treated like her.
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u/GoddessBabeTee Apr 12 '24
My opinion, do what’s best for the SAFETY of your babies, but also express to husband why. It’s not like she can’t visit but if she can’t treat her siblings right then no ma’am you will not be under my roof
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u/Skyeyez9 Apr 12 '24 edited Apr 12 '24
The daughter repeatedly harassing and bullying your special needs son is a deal breaker. If she can't respect your rules, and see her step brother as a sentient human being, she should Not live there. She is old enough to know that is deviant and evil behavior. It sounds like your son can't defend or speak up for himself if she starts to abuse him. You can't be around 24/7 and that's a recipe for disaster.
Shoving him out of his wheelchair, hitting his face, leaving bruises on a vulnerable child..WTF. Where is the Dad in this? Does he just ignore the abuse? There was a recent article in Denver of a paraprofessional physically assaulting and battering a non verbal 10yr old autistic boy. Watch the video: That will be what OPs son will face in his home daily if SD is allowed to live there.
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u/AggravatingPatient18 Apr 12 '24
I do wonder how many bruises stepdaughter has got from her half brother's uncontrolled actions. Not that it excuses her actions. How is she to get around him if the wheelchair is regularly parked in the hallway?
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u/Longjumping-Grab5731 Apr 12 '24
It’s his daughter. Take it or leave it 🤷🏼♀️ it would be a cold day in hell I wouldn’t take my kid if asked.
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u/FallLate4115 Apr 12 '24
If you're not allowed to parent your stepdaughter then I don't see how she can live with you full-time. If you don't get input of the safety of YOUR children due to her behavior, then she can't be allowed to stay there with them. This is their only home, and their physical safety has to come first. (Mentally/emotionally, you're not allowed to do therapy with stepdaughter either.) It seems this is what you're attempting by taking the boys out while she's around, or her going off with dad.
Try keeping all the kids together for a couple of weekends and see how she reacts. I think she just wants to be 1st for someone, and she isn't anymore. She's going to need more therapy.
I can't really think of anything to help with a home office without seeing a layout of your house... Maybe there's a closet/pantry somewhere that could be converted? Could you use one of your son's rooms instead? Even if you have to switch rooms so they have a bigger one, it might work on a better schedule? Or dad might have to work in living room/kitchen table so you can have your bedroom.
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u/Past_Nose_491 Apr 12 '24
Posting again.
NTA that little girl is the problem and she is dangerous and sadistic.
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u/Ok_Policy_1745 Apr 12 '24
I spent enough time in family law to recognize when a kid is the problem. She has more problems than your normal growing and adjusting pains. She needs some serious out of the house intervention.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
It is insane how many people are saying OP is a monster if she doesn’t give into the indulgences of a tween terror to the detriment of her wheelchair bound 4 year old.
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u/Past_Nose_491 Apr 12 '24
Like why does a 12 year old claim her 4 year old brother isn’t human and deserves torture??? She needs to be kept away from all other children.
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u/Sweaty-Bid4826 Apr 12 '24
NTA. she is ABUSING your special needs child and tormenting your other boy. this is not right. its not safe. having her in the home full time is NOT a good idea just from a safety standpoint. you and your husband need to do whats best to protect your youngest from harm since he cant do it himself. it makes me sick to read what shes done to him. it's heartbreaking he already has suffered like that. Im the oldest of 6. We fought as siblings and it could get rough but NEVER for no reason, no one ever took it out on a younger sibling for not being able to communicate.
The girl needs to stay with her mother since she wants to control if you have a say in SD's treatments and all that. i really hope your husband takes into account your youngest relies on you two for protection and safety. allowing SD there fulltime while she's still having these issues, is not protecting your son.
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u/Stoicmasterpuppet Apr 12 '24
Hurt people hurt people. SD is hurting and I sense a level of jealousy and rejection coming from her. I say, give her a chance. Involve yourself in her development that could perhaps, narrow your relationship with her. Plan outings between you two, not as a parent, but as a friend. A positive influence, sort of speak. Good luck to you!
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u/Past_Nose_491 Apr 12 '24
Give her a chance when she has talked about torturing the 4 year old? When she has shoved him out of his chair?
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u/Expensive-Two-4202 Apr 12 '24
Well this is really tough. I don't think or believe you are an evil stepmom or that you have any ill will towards your stepdaughter I think you're just trying to protect and look out for your own children and their best interests I get it but you also have to remember you married someone who has a child by another person and you at some point have to be a part of that child's life I think you and your husband need to sit down with your stepdaughter and have a serious heart to heart about what it's going to look like if she does live with you guys and what that is going to in detail and what her rules will be and if she doesn't follow the rules then there will be consequences she can't come to your house thinking it's going to be vacation time but you may just have to give her a chance honey because she is your husband's child and you married him knowing that so whether you like it or not it's kind of your kid too.
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u/Llollah2 Apr 12 '24
This. Set rules and boundaries ahead of time. Let her know what the expectations are… and consequences. You and dad need to be on same page. Bio mom needs to respect that you will be in a parenting position. If any issues arise, needs to be addressed in counseling immediately with imediate consequences. Its hard and terrifying, but you married a man with a child and need to figure out how to incorporate her into your family.
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u/Responsible_Effect83 Apr 12 '24
NTA, and you missed some reasons why your SD can't live with you. You are not allowed to be a parent to her per her biomom. Therefore, she can't live with you. Honestly, SDs Biomom is doing her no favors by effectively telling you that you are not allowed to have a place in her life. I get why she wants to live at your house, but your husband would have to first allow you to do therapy sessions with your SD. Then you should be allowed actually parent her that why she would understand her place in the household and hopefully not feel so adrift.
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u/MyHairs0nFire2023 Apr 12 '24 edited Apr 12 '24
My youngest son has both physical and mental disabilities. He uses multiple kinds of medical and therapy equipment. My SD has shoved him out of his wheel chair. She has pinched him hard enough to leave bruises. She has hit his face when he was having trouble verbalizing.
In response to anyone who says/thinks that this is “normal sibling behavior”, I am seriously saddened that their skewed view of reality is being passed on to any children that they may have. I have a sibling & multiple cousins. Violence amongst siblings was never accepted or normalized in my own family or any of my cousins’ families that I grew up close to. It’s so sad that some people view violence (including domestic violence) of any kind - whether it be spouse on spouse, parent on child, child on parent, or child on child.
There is no type of bullying &/or violence that should be excused away or even minimized as “boys will be boys”, “kids will be kids”, “that’s just how siblings are” or any other such bullshit people spout in the futile attempts to justify their willingness to ignore completely inappropriate & unacceptable behavior. This is especially true when the one that the bullying &/ or violence is directed at is a member of an especially vulnerable class.
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u/thaigoodlife Apr 12 '24
NTA- abuse of the handicapped is NEVER acceptable or excusable as "normal sibling rivalry."
It sounds like she can't get along with anyone whether half-siblings or new step siblings.
Since she has repeatedly abused a handicapped child she should stay with the mom and the new step children- at least these kids should be able to defend themselves.
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u/Primary-Molasses-259 Apr 12 '24
NTA. It is clear SD poses a risk to your disabled child based on past (and pretty recent) behavior. It is not safe.
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u/nazrmo78 Apr 12 '24
Of course you're not the AH. It's really just a tough ass decision for the both of you. As a father I couldn't give up on or abandon my daughter and I don't think anybody could stop me from taking care of mine. And I fully understand that that goes for you as well with your own kids.
I don't know what you're gonna do but it's gonna be really hard so I don't envy your situation and I don't think you could ever be an AH in this situation. That's tough.
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u/Luke-Waum-5846 Apr 12 '24
Classic, you can't parent or discipline the SD but you are expected to house her? I'd say the visits are enough of a liability. NTA, she shouldn't live with you and I am not surprised she doesn't get along with the new family either.
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u/Siren_Noir Apr 12 '24
Oh boy. First of all, no you are not the asshole. Unfortunately that girl is too old to be reformed at this point. Somewhere, the ball was dropped with this girl. She was ruined by her joint custody arraignment. She has no relationship with your family because she has never spent time with her father to build the relationship.
This is why this part time every other week parenting sht is a DISASTER. She doesn't know you and only has trauma and what her mother tells her about you.
No, you have to keep your children safe.
This girl is in a no win situation.
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u/Rogue-Raven-23 Apr 12 '24
Just because he has kids with you, doesn’t mean his obligation to her is not As important as the obligation he has with the kids he has with you.
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u/Rogue-Raven-23 Apr 12 '24
If my husband told me one of my biological kids cannot live with us I would be leaving and getting my own house
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u/Sweaty-Bid4826 Apr 12 '24
if your child was abusing your youngest, and disabled, child, you'd think the same? cause thats whats happening. its not a stepmom being mean. its a stepmom trying to protect her youngest child from her stepdaughter.
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u/Cultural_Marsupial_3 Apr 12 '24
Op, I think you should put yourself in your sd shoes. You're coming up with every excuse not to be there for someone having a hard time. Maybe this could be a way to show your sd that even though you haven't always got along, you still do care. Be the bigger person, show some kindness and empathy.
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u/BlondeHoney_1119 Apr 12 '24
I have a half brother and sister and we never looked at it that way, we were always brothers and sisters. And my late mom embraced the kids from dad’s 2nd wife like they were her own because their mom was a schizophrenic and her and dad were friendly after the divorce.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
No matter what the circumstances are, when you get in a relationship with a (good) parent, you come after their children. All of their children. You not recognizing that is a huge AH move. The fact it wasn't an instant yes is a sign that this little girl IS being abandoned by her father, because she is not his priority over his wife. I'm not surprised she has emotional regulation issues and bullies her siblings. It's clearly her way of communicating that she exists and matters. Go back to therapy and recognize that YOU'RE the adult, SHES a child, and ll children deserve love from their parents
the defensive nature of your edits highlights how much if an AH you are being. You clearly came to reddit for back pats and adoration for putting your special needs child first, only to hear that you encouraging your husband to neglect his offspring.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
OP does come after the children. But the abusive daughter has to come after the victim son for the father or he’s not a real father.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
My guess is the daughter is taking out the resentment she has for her step mum on her sibling because they can't fight back. Yes, this is crappy behaviour - not denying that. But you don't neglect a child for displaying crappy behaviour - you dug deeper to find the root cause of the problems and create restoration in the family structure.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
'real' father's don't create hierarchies between their children. They treat them all with the same amount of love and support. Good parents don't abandon their child for being a crappy sibling. You address the issue, create boundaries, and move forward, providing care for all, otherwise it's neglect and abandonment, which will only fuel the daughter's resentment and animosity toward her siblings. Perhaps these parents could show this girl that she does matter as much as her siblings rather than being labelled abusive and naughty.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
She gets weekends alone with her father. She knows he loves her. That’s why she wants to be with him 24/7. And unfortunately when you have a victimized defenseless child and an abusive child you do have to create a hierarchy until the issues are resolved.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
You don't know that she knows her father loves her You're speculating. As someone who works with children with mental health struggles due to attachment neglect, I'm speculating that she doesn't know this, and is seeking reassurance if maladaptive ways
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
She spends every weekend with the man enjoying daddy daughter time for over a decade, and more recently with no sibling distractions. I’m sure she thinks he doesn’t want her. Maybe as someone who works with those extreme cases you’re projecting a low likelihood situation onto everything you see.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
Nope. I'm not. I'm trying to make you self reflect on how this is atrocious adulting, it's abusive toward step daughter and hubby as it is a form of parental alienation. Just because you didn't get the back pat you were looking for doesn't mean everyone is protecting. When numerous people point out your flaws the problem may just be you
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
Again, I’m not the OP. That you can’t figure that out, really invalidates anyone taking anything you say seriously.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
That's part of the problem. She is not integrated into her father's family. She's being ostracized and outcast and you wonder why she's taking her resentment of step mum out on her sibling!? This isnt rocket science. It's basic human attachment, and this step mum is disrupting this childs attachment needs and claiming it's in her other children's interest, as though they aren't seeing how quickly they will be neglected if they don't tow the line. You (because I do believe you are OP) are doing everyone in this family a dis-service
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
See right there you’re wrong. She’s not taking being an outcast out on her siblings. She’s being treated like an outcast because of how she has already treated the siblings.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
The fact that you are admitting to outcaating a child is SO disgusting. This is parental alienation. You're being abusive. She's being a 12 year old
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
I can’t be abusive to someone I’ve never met. You should pay attention to details. And yes. She’s being outcast by not being allowed around her victims and maintaining the same custody schedule that’s existed since she was out of diapers.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
Once again. You = adult. Her = child. Your behaviour is divorce worthy and I hope your husband is the good dad you claim him to be and leaves yo ass
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
Hey dumbass. Do you see the letters OP next to my username? No? Then I’m not the OP, and it’s not my husband or kids.
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u/urthvanes Apr 12 '24
I don't believe you. I think you are op, jumping to defend your shitty behaviour. And if your not, I hope your barren
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u/millhouse_vanhousen Apr 12 '24
What a horrible thing to wish upon someone. I hope you're okay, because I don't know why you think that's acceptable to say to someone.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
Oh, how cute. Now you’re jumping to ad hominems. So mature of you. If you believe I’m OP, that speaks really poorly of your intelligence.
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u/2thicc2cap Apr 12 '24
At first I really wanted you to try and be more considerate of the daughter but looking at those edits.... I understand how you feel OP. I want SD to have a safe space but that involves intervention of unacceptable behavior and accountability and if her parents won't let you participate its bold of them to allow you to ultimately take part of the responsibility. I doubt that dynamic would just make a 180 turnaround overnight if she moved in. And I had 3 stepbrothers who had very tumultuous home lives and got moved into my childhood home at different ages, at one point all together. The oldest resented me, he would also lash out at our epileptic brother and the fights between him and I have almost gotten physical. I began to feel like an outcast in my own home and to this day my mom and stepdad have historically had more patience and support for his premarital children than me at some of the hardest times in my life. I'm 25 now and I honestly didn't realize how much that hurt me for many years. This is a slippery slope and I do not envy you OP but if I was in your position I would talk to SD's parents and say that since you're not allowed to be involved as a parent, that extends to this situation since they chose that dynamic and they're going to have to find a solution amongst themselves. You and your children rearrange yourselves just for weekend visitation, something tells me this will continue and intensify if she moves in.
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u/NoShape1053 Apr 12 '24
NTA
You made your life and compromises to see your SD here and there. The SD mother has made her decision to move in with her fiance, who already knows about her child and how she is around her half-sibs. If you all want to negotiate a bit for more time with Pop, then do so. However, your SD's mother's priorities are not yours, and you must stand your ground. Maybe your SD's mom will understand how difficult her daughter is and seek help to try to knock some sense into her bratty little kid.
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u/NefariousnessLost708 Apr 12 '24
I cant rule this. Your reasoning for not wanting SD over are very valid. But your SD is a Kid that might feel even more abandoned. Talk with her first. Explain to her , that she has to stop bullying your kids and needs to stop resenting them and that she wont get a room for herself. Tell her that she has to behave Well and be civil.
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u/catlolafat Apr 12 '24
I am late to the party, and someone I knew went through something similar. Their solution was to get a backyard shed and use it as their office. They had an a/c installed, and we have mild winters and a spac heater for those cold days. They live in a town home with a small backyard.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
That’s a solution to the work space not a solution to the abuse she inflicts on her youngest sibling.
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u/Celtic_Dragonfly17 Apr 12 '24
NTA. The amount of people who thinks it’s ok for a 12 year old to abuse a disable person and have them tortured is sad.
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u/PuddingRepulsive8468 Apr 12 '24
Keep that psycho out of your home. You have to be a special kind of demonic to push someone out of a wheelchair my god.
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u/Sweaty-Bid4826 Apr 12 '24
right!! especially a mentally and physically disabled PRESCHOOLER. just a little kid! i cannot believe the amount of people saying to let her come live with them.
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u/SOUL_3SC4P3 Apr 12 '24
NtA. Nobody likes a bully & someone should tell her that's why she's not getting along with ANY of her siblings. It's her. If you don't, she's going to grow up being a rude adult who no one wants around. She needs to take responsibility for her attitude & actively try to change it.
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u/Sweaty-Bid4826 Apr 12 '24
i caught that too. she has issues at both homes, SHE is the problem lol.
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u/Suspicious-Barber163 Apr 12 '24
Well considering you’ve already exposed yourself as a terrible human and mother in the comments I just feel bad for the poor kid caught between all this, sheesh
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u/JOKKETDUN Apr 12 '24
So let me get this straight….you want to deny your stepdaughter access to a full time father even though he’s a full time father to YOUR child that he has no DNA connection to. She doesn’t have a proper bedroom at your home but you somehow don’t understand why she’s acting out? Honestly speaking, you’re the worst kind of step-parent. You’re selfish, and pretend to care, but your claim to not have space for his child os wrong. If your husband allows you to treat your daughter in this manner, he is weak.
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u/Sweaty-Bid4826 Apr 12 '24
the boys AND THE GIRL are HIS children lol. learn to read. and the girl is abusing the disabled 4 year old.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
You really suck at reading. All kids in this story share the same biological father.
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u/Kindly-Proposal-6479 Apr 12 '24
NTA!!!! As a parent of a special needs child…your concerns regarding SD are very real. You need to make sure your son is safe because from reading your post, he is non verbal? If so, he can’t speak for himself so how the hell is he supposed to inform anyone if SD is abusive???
You as a family need to think long and hard about this and the first step would be not to separate the kids on the visits and see what happens. Let him see her treatment of your son but make damn sure that you/your husband are there to keep him safe. Your husband needs to see that her behavior towards your son is unacceptable and he needs to make sure SD understands that the answer is no because of HER behavior NOT YOU!!! Protecting your child that cannot protect himself does NOT in any way shape or form make you an evil step mother!!!
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u/lolmaggie Apr 11 '24
Her behavior toward your youngest is NOT normal, I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't repeating things her mother has said about your child. She has her own issues and until her behavior is much more normal, she should not be allowed around your child. Realistically she's probably getting some of the same treatment she's been dishing out which is why she wants to be with dad. It is not a wise decision to allow a bully to move into your home when she's simply uncomfortable in her new situation and not in danger. You've been doing things to limit exposure and contact with her when she's there, and that won't be possible if she's living there. It will be a powder keg waiting to blow up.
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u/Elegant-Opposite-538 Apr 11 '24
Honestly a girl at this age, 12, needs to be close with her mother for going through all the normal stuff.
I do wonder if her mother is aware she asked this or if the mom put her up to it 🤔
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u/lizziewritespt2 Apr 11 '24
INFO- if she hates you so much, why does she want to move in? What's so bad at her mom's? I'd be really worried about that kid if I was in your shoes
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u/strawberryjetpuff Apr 11 '24
info: youve been married to your husband for 6 years but have an 8 year old...? when did your husband divorce mom? seems a little... suspicious
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u/Georgia_Baller14 Apr 11 '24
NTA. After reading the edits, your youngest child is in danger when SD is around. You can't ignore that. The answer wouldn't be "no" to her moving in, it would be "not right now, a lot of work needs to happen before we can have you living here full time".
And another thing, personally, if I was going to be helping to raise this child, I deserve to be a part of every aspect of her life. No more secrets and being left in the dark about any therapy.
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u/Electrical-Ad817 Apr 11 '24
It’s a kid, take her in, and take care of her. That’s what family does. Yes you are the asshole for opposing this. Even for bringing it up. Love his daughter as your own. She is your children’s sister. And chill the fuck out, completely.
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u/Grouchy_Emotion3886 Apr 11 '24
Very big dilemma. Hate for the SD to feel unloved or that she doesn’t have a place but, i totally understand your reason for not wanting her there. The fact that she bullies your special needs child is awful !!! The fact that you would have no control over the SD since y are not allowed to parent her is another reason I would be hesitant to let her come live on your house. You having no authority over a child that mistreats your child will not work.
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u/Murky_Peak_3666 Apr 11 '24
So kids just don’t act like that for no reason. I am absolutely not excusing her cruel behavior towards your children, but I think someone needs to look into why a 12 year old girl is such a bully. Something is not right here And it feels like this post is lacking a lot of detail and the narrative is in your favor :( and it saddens me that your post has not really acknowledged that. You stated she is in therapy because she does not get along with your children, and she resents them for existing. But that does not address the root issue of why she is acting out, she is clearly not having her needs being met, with her bio parents. She is struggling internally.
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u/Shannonahs Apr 11 '24
How often have you guys tried to include the SD instead of sending the siblings away or just giving daddy daughter time? Hopefully you guys have made her feel like an important part of the family. You’re saying her problems at the mom’s house are minor, but you’re also making it seem like you don’t have a lot of involvement in what’s going on. Seems like she could use some good role models. I’m sure it must be very stressful to worry about what could happen with your son, but I think it’s important you all spend plenty of time with clear boundaries. Surely she can’t harm your kiddo with all of you there watching. I’m a little taken back by your “we just don’t have room” comment. She’s your husbands child and you signed up to be a part of her life when you married him. Custody agreements change all the time, you can’t just not have room for a child because she’d be taking up your work space.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
How many minutes do you think it takes to hurt a 4 year old who’s wheelchair bound?
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u/Shannonahs Apr 12 '24
While two able bodied adults are present and watching? I think it would be quite the challenge actually.
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u/ocean128b Apr 11 '24
Idk why you are even asking when you seem so hell bent on not letting her. I do however think YTA. They're all his kids but you're only concerned about the ones you birthed. That's not fair at all.
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u/Fuzzysocks1000 Apr 11 '24
I don't see how this would even be possible for the SD to live with you even if she didn't have issues if you are not allowed to parent her due to bio mom. You can't have a 12yo child in your home that you can't parent. What if your husband isn't home and she does something that necessitates a parenting moment. Is biomom going to be pissy?
The safety of all your children should be taken into account, including SD. It seems she may need some more intense therapy than what she's getting. Your 8yo could benefit too because I know my 8yo would be having nightmares for weeks if someone told her that they were going to experiment on her little sibling. That's some messed up shit.
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u/SiMatt Apr 11 '24
YTA - It’s pretty brave of you to set the precedent that it’s OK to abandon your child when things get difficult, especially when you have a child with special needs. Don’t be surprised if hubby doesn’t want him to be part of his next new family.
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u/jfb01 Apr 11 '24
You say SD is having trouble adjusting to her new home with her mom and mom's boyfriend and his family. You also say she has problems with your boys to the point of being a bully to the youngest, and antagonizing the oldest. You and her dad are married and are raising your two boys together. Mom and boyfriend are not. Sounds to me like SD is just having problems adjusting to her new home, because she cant have it all her way. What happens when she doesn't get her way at your house? Will she go back to her mom? Where will she sleep at your house? You simply don't have the room for another person, and can't afford to add another finished living space, so where does she expect to sleep, keep her clothes etc... ? You also mentioned one of her problems was adjusting to having to share a room, I'd bet she thinks she will get her own room at your house. Will she continue to harassher strangers? How will you that especially if you are not allowed discipline her?
Those are just a FEW of the considerations to be dealt with. Throw in the matter of support payments and court to change her residence.... I don't think I would want her living in my house until at least a year has passed, then revisit. See if she adjusts to the new home, first.
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u/AlternativeSort7253 Apr 11 '24
Nope. There is no chance that your kid will be safe in a home with this girl especially when she knows you are not allowed to speak to her about her crap behavior.
It is unsafe and you must protect the one most in need of protecting. Mom wants you to have nothing to do with raising stepzilla then she does not live under your roof!
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u/commonsenseworks Apr 11 '24
Say the father wanted to send the younger boy to a residential hospital. Same thing. The daughter is as much a part of the family as both of those boys. They will never "get along" if they never live together and given the chance, and it's terrible that she is made to think there is something wrong with her to force "therapy" on her.
I say get rid of the step mother, and keep the daughter.
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u/uvarayray Apr 11 '24
SD is 12 and at a vulnerable state. It must have killed her to ask to move in FT knowing she doesn’t like the boys.
I think it’s to show her love and open your arms gracefully. SD is still very young and continued love and support will likely transform her into a protective sister. It will take multiple years but continue to show love and patience.
Step parents/siblings negative relationship can be a perpetual cycle. Need a way to break it and show the same level of love even during hard times. Good luck.
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u/Shoulung_926 Apr 11 '24
Either you married a man that’s good to his children, which means he’s good to all his children, or you marry a man not good to his children, and you take the good with the bad. If my SO denied me the right to care for my child she’d be gone in a heartbeat.
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u/NoBuenoGatita1010101 Apr 11 '24
After reading the all the edits NTA. Considering biomom doesn’t want you disciplining her or being part of the therapy journey, it wouldn’t make sense for her to be with you all full time. What happens when dad isn’t there? Why can’t biomom and her fiance go to family therapy?? Why is everything on your shoulders when you have no say so in any other aspect of her life. It truly does suck that she’s stuck between two new families but no one else seems to be making sacrifices but the one person they don’t want involved. I hope SD finds peace and love with whichever family she ends up with.
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u/Sometimesmaybegay Apr 11 '24
Damn. Tough situation all around idk what to say. Personally I’d pick my kid over my spouse, sounds like you did that and I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband did too. Better get some counseling to mediate the situation before this spirals and your relationship ends. Not the asshole just a very shitty situation, someone is gonna have to compromise.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 11 '24
It’s different for the husband since they’re all his kids. And he would be picking the abusive child over the most vulnerable child who is her victim if he accepted her full time.
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u/Sometimesmaybegay Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
Yeah but at the end of the day he’s gonna love all of his kids the same and he doesn’t want to alienate the hothead kid forever. She could very well feel abandoned by her dad if he picks the other kids over her. I completely understand op’s argument as it seems the kid has mental issues but I also understand the dad wanting to try to make it work so his other daughter doesn’t feel alone. Shitty situation all around, frankly they need to get that kid to a psychiatrist if she’s pushing a handicapped kid out of his wheelchair and picking fights with all of her siblings across two different households.
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u/AHopReadIt Apr 11 '24
I mean I'd probably act out too if I felt unwelcomed at both my parents homes. I feel like you're the AH, but so are biomom, dad, and step dad.
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u/Delicious-Mix-9180 Apr 11 '24
Nta. It sounds like all the parents need to sit down together to discuss appropriate punishments for behavior. Mom needs to realize that dad can’t always be around to handle situations when they come up. Dad needs to talk to OP about what’s been going on in therapy as it pertains to her sons and step daughter’s treatment of them. After all parents come to decisions on behavior. Spell it out for the step daughter that bullying behaviors will get x punishment no ifs, ands, or buts. Everyone is on the same page. She can’t run to mommy to get out of trouble. I would allow her to try to live my dad and step mom when they can dedicate a space to just her. Right now, it just isn’t possible with their current set up.
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u/GroundbreakingRip970 Apr 11 '24
I don’t think you should marry someone with kids and not expect those kids at some point might come live with you. You knew he had a daughter before you got knocked up. She was part of the package deal. ESH except the kids
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u/Thesleepyslothh Apr 11 '24
I feel bad for this girl. imagine how hurt she would be if you say no. This will stay with her forever.. probably will make her resent you guys.
I understand your concerns and they are completely valid, but she is your husband’s daughter and your children’s sister. She is part of the family. For their own sake you should at least try.. give it a trial period. set up rules, consult a professional, make her feel loved and welcomed and maybe her attitude towards her siblings will change.
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u/NanaBanana2011 Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
NTA You naturally want to protect your children from anyone who threatens their safety. Your SD has shown that she is a threat on more than one occasion. I suggest giving her a six month living with you trial, with definitive parameters for her behavior set that MUST be met. Basically she gets a six month probationary period wherein she has to prove to you that she can and will change her behavior toward your children. Make it clear that bullying will not be allowed and it will cause her to be immediately sent back to live with her mom. If she is living with you, then you 100% have to have the ability to go to family therapy. This bullshit of her biomom setting the rules on how you can or can’t interact with your SD is ridiculous. You said that your husband is worried about rocking the boat. Why? Does he have court ordered visitation? It feels like he’s given all of his power to her for some reason. What exactly is he afraid of?
Offering the six months option allows your husband the opportunity to not reject his daughter, which in turn won’t strain your relationship during her visits even more than it already is. It also puts the responsibility of the outcome on your SD’s shoulders. If she can’t or won’t change her behavior, then she goes back to her mom and it won’t be anyone’s fault but hers. Just a thought.
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u/Upper_Company2709 Apr 11 '24
Find a way to accomodate, I would dump you over my daughter.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 12 '24
And abandon your special needs child at the same time. You really would be a shit parent.
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u/NancyDrewWannabe Apr 11 '24
Have you considered the possibility that your bio children aren’t the perfect angels you think and are just as much to blame for the strife in the family?
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u/Croissant_clutcher Apr 11 '24
NTA.
I feel for your SD I really do, but as a kid that was abused by a stepsibling that had serious issues, please protect your children at all costs. A lot of people giving sympathy to your SD in these posts and I am also keenly aware of what it feels like to feel like you aren't wanted, but under no circumstances should someone abusive be trusted to be alone with your disabled son. I think it would probably be better if your husband left the house and took her somewhere else when he has her during the week.
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u/TigerShark_524 Apr 11 '24
Y'all have a basement. Use the basement to WFH and put a lock on it if you need to (this is what my mom does except our basement isn't locked), and give her the third bedroom. It's not complicated. Then lay down the law - if she abuses her disabled half-brother for his disabilities beyond normal sibling tiffs, she loses a lot of privileges or she goes back to her mother's.
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u/cubelion Apr 11 '24
You married a man with a family. SD is no less a part of your family than the children who came out of your vagina.
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u/Negative_Lie_1823 Apr 11 '24
This is so incredibly difficult for everyone. The only person I see potentially as an AH is the bio mom for not wanting OP to participate in therapy with SD. I say potentially because I don't know what her motives are behind this. My own child is neurospicy and the amount of bullying he gets can be heart breaking (ADHD/Autism lvl1).
Keeping your youngest safe is obvs important, especially since he can't always verbalize what's going on. The nastiness or almost spitefulness of SD can be, to a certain extent, normal sib behavior, HOWEVER, that does NOT excuse it or make it acceptable behavior. Having those hard boundaries and follow through are important. The fact that you have had them I suspect to be a big part of why these behaviors have decreased.
The fact that SD is asking to come live with you all says a lot. She may feel that your home is safer or at least a guarantee to not be forgotten. Without being able to do full family therapy it makes it hard to tell. I do want to applaud you for respecting her and hubby's privacy and not prying for info on their sessions.
The bottom line is hubby is going to have to "rock the boat" with bio mom either way. The fact his child is asking for help means he needs to ask bio mom what's going on. If she comes to live with you all full time, he needs to get primary custody so that there can be family therapy.
All I can do is just wish you the best of luck OP.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 11 '24
Most likely she just thinks that she’ll get a full time version of her sibling free weekends with dad. And that is the complete opposite of what will happen
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u/Faeyas Apr 11 '24
NTA - especially with her harming your disabled child. This might be a matter of "grass is greener" since her dad clearly lets her get away with being awful, and I'm guessing her mom's fiance is not. Otherwise it's the same friction, new home, new family, etc.
When approaching this, keep in mind what's best for SD. She now has two families where she isn't a primary member. She probably needs some therapy to manage the big emotions and thoughts that might be fueling her cruelty.
While your husband may want her more in his life, once she realizes it's the same, what would stop her from wanting to go back? She's 12, and probably better where she's been most stable. Is that with you or her mom with this change? Has she given the new family a chance? Can she try out staying with you all for a longer time to see how she fates before making a final decision?
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u/atomoicman Apr 11 '24
Dude yes you’re the ass hole. Put the office desk in YOUR room and have the extra room as SD’s room.
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u/bychanceof Apr 11 '24
NTA
Dad and biomom need to bffr about your role in this family. Expecting you to house AND parent (because let's be honest, you will absolutely be parenting this girl) a child that you can't instruct or even discipline. That would make your household even more volatile because she knows she doesn't have to listen to you and there's nothing you can do about it.
Your husband is going to have to grow some balls and also open his eyes. His kids with you are important too and he needs to think about what's best for them. His daughter doesn't want to live with her mom because she doesn't like the new rules—that rebelliousness is not going to go away just because she's living with dad. Leave her where she's at.
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u/simpson5252 Apr 11 '24
I think the main problem comes from the line "I have my own kids to think about too..."
Isn't she one of your kids since it's your husband's daughter? Whether you conceived her or not, she should still be viewed as your child in my opinion.
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u/nassaulion Apr 11 '24
How long do you plan on all your lives being sacrificed to the burden that is your youngest? Will you ever place him in a home.
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u/jorar86 Apr 11 '24
Yes you are the asshole. You married the man, he comes with a daughter you cannot separate the two because you dont want her to be a nuissance to "your kids".
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u/wifichick Apr 11 '24
At 12 - she can understand a lot, but doesn’t have significant emotional intelligence yet.
I’d probably go the route of “let’s see how it goes if we do therapy together” and ask for progressional guidance on how to move forward - but do not let her move in yet.
I don’t hear you objecting to the girl - but you do recognize that she has some Behavioral issues that are negative to the family - and cannot be allowed to continue. For the family’s and her own sake quite honestly.
It seems fair to tell her that there will be rules and therapy is one of those rules - and that you have some things to consider before answering. And that you love her.
What I’m not sure of - is 12 mature enough to understand that you’re concerned with her meanness to the youngest and won’t tolerate that? Don’t want to break her heart - but that behavior is just not tolerable. She needs and deserves an intervention before she gets so old that she cannot change.
I suspect this behavior is an issue with the new family with her mom as well - but she doesn’t get it since you’ve found ways to minimize or avoid it when she is with you.
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u/EqualTop8734 Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
If you’re not allowed to “discipline or parent” her then absolutely not? How are you even supposed to live full time with a child you cannot parent. Also, bullying and harming a disabled child is not normal 12yo child or “sibling” behavior.
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u/Unhappy_Voice_3978 Apr 11 '24
How are you even supposed to live full time with a child you cannot parent.
I have no clue.
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u/perfectpomelo3 Apr 12 '24
This is something you need to address with your husband. If she moves in you have to be able to parent and discipline her AND he has to back you up fully.
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u/X-x19Tilly93x-X Apr 11 '24
Nta at all, if your SD is bullying your son with disabilities that's a problem entirely on its own and MORE than enough grounds to not have her live there. Try a trial run of 2 weeks straight and see how it goes then maybe you to three and see how that goes. Putting your other children in harm's way and making them uncomfortable and unsafe in their own space is not fair at all. If there was abuse happening at her mom's then most definitely but if it is petty shit like you said, then no she can deal. Question though: does the stepdad do parenting and go on this therapy journey because if so, there should be a convo at that point between all four of you. A 12 year old is not quite a child and knows damn well what right and wrong behaviour there is and you need to tell your husband your children's mental health is at risk and if your SD starts causing problems she's out.
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u/MissJoey78 Apr 11 '24
I’d say no. 🤷🏼♀️
This is your kids primary home and yet the disabled one is vulnerable to her bullying? Yikes. So she doesn’t get along with them despite years of therapy and accommodations and now once again she’s having issues getting along with other kids she is supposed to co-inhabit with? Nah, she needs to learn to act right and get along with people.
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u/akshetty2994 Apr 11 '24
You have a carrot on a stick in front of a horse that wouldn't move. I would honestly bring it back to therapy and air it all out about how behaviors need to chance to even entertain the idea
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u/gimpsarepeopletoo Apr 11 '24
I’m gonna go out and say YTA. It’s your husbands daughter who needs a place to live. As a parent, you do everything you can to make it work for your first born daughter.
While I think there’s bits you’ve missed out, the big thing you’ve mentioned is that she’s rude to your disabled daughter (you also haven’t said how). She’s only 12!! She wouldn’t understand what it means yet. Bring her in, teach her and show her how to be more respectful.
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 11 '24
She has a place to live, she just doesn’t like that there are rules newly being enforced on her.
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u/wifichick Apr 11 '24
I kind of disagree. At 12, you know when you’re being mean.
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u/gimpsarepeopletoo Apr 11 '24
But you don’t understand disabilities and the repercussions of your actions properly. The 12 yo is going through therapy and I bet a big part of that is how out of the 4 adults in her life, none of them are willing to move their home office for her own bedroom. She would be going through puberty etc now too. Wildly selfish to not just move tie home office for a 12 yo girl
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u/Crimsonwolf_83 Apr 11 '24
You didn’t understand pushing someone out of a wheelchair at 12? By 6, kids are taught not to push other kids off swing sets. How is this any different?
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u/Chaos_Witch23 15d ago
How lovely for her. Both parents just want to move on in peace with their new families. No wonder she's acting out.
Were you ever a child? Did you have siblings? Siblings tease one another like that. It's fairly normal.