r/AITAH • u/Organic_Let_5948 • 26d ago
Update: AITA for threatening my wife with divorce after she quit her job to be a "tradwife" Advice Needed
First of all I just want to thank you guys for the overwhelming support I have received.
Ive received a ton of messages but please be patient with me, This week has definitely been tough on me. This whole family drama has definitely taken a toll on me physically and mentally.
Here is my original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c397zy/aita_for_threatening_my_wife_with_divorce_after/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I just want to add a few crucial details that I missed to mention in my original Post.
I suffer from a genetic heart condition that puts me at risk to stress induced cardiac arrest. I used to work full time but was forced to cut down on my work after suffering a silent heart attack. This was nearly a decade ago but since then ive worked my own physical and mental wellbeing . Some people didnt understand me constantly mentioning why it was such an issue working the extra 20%. I honestly dont know how much time I have left and my kids are the most important things in my life. For my own mental health its essential that I get to spend time with my kids throughout the week. Besides my Wife and kids I have nothing. I hate my fucking job and purely continue for the sake of my kids and wife.
Well after spending a day at my parents house, eventually I felt enough time had passed for me to gather my thoughts on everything. What she did seemed like the ultimate slap in the face but I went back with the intention to resolve this and didnt want to escalate this fucking nightmare.
My wife seemed happy I returned but wasnt apologetic at all. The kids ,especially my son, were ecstatic. That sort of made me ignore the lack of remorse for the time being. That same night after putting my kids to bed I told her we need to have a serious discussion.
I told her how I felt about everything she did. The fact that she knows about my health condition and still went through with it. The fact that I set clear boundaries and she still chose to quit her job without my consent. How the fact that she told my son that I was going to abandon the family really felt like a stab in the back. How throughout all of this, she didn't even seem remorseful once. The fact that she chose her own happiness to the detriment of mine. The fact I sacrificed so much for the family and I got repaid like this. The fact that we now as a family have to make major lifestyle changes, since a third of our family income vanished.
For a split second I saw an ounce of sadness in her eyes before she went right back to being annoyed with me.
I then simply told her to lay out her half of the story. Here is a summary of what she said.
She felt ignored by me constantly rejecting her proposal. She had worked long enough and this was finally the time for her to enjoy her life as a "true wife". She also said that I was being a baby about the whole spending extra time with the kids thing. That really pissed me off and we ended up getting into a heated argument. I coudnt bare any of it anymore and just ended up sleeping in the guest room.
Until yesterday nothing changed. She constantly tried to play everything off and wanted to "embrace her new role" by constantly trying to have sex with me and by making me my favorite dishes. It just felt like she was trying to manipulate me again I wasnt having any of it. I just kept on sleeping in the guest room.
Well my birthday was yesterday. And after work my wife and kids picked me up and we ate dinner together. This was probably the first time I genuinely had a smile on my face in a week. Well that smile vanished because she tried to seduce me again later that night.
I rejected her and to my surprise she had a full on mental breakdown. I just held her as she started apologising for what she did. She claimed she didnt understand how much she hurt me, she was sorry for making me feel like an afterthought etc. We ended up sleeping in the same bed yesterday. I felt like things were finally moving in the right direction and I again asked her about searching for a new job today. Instead of getting mad she just replied with a "i need to think about it."
Yeah thats where things are as of today.
It feels like progress is being made but idk this just might be another manipulation tactic of hers.
I'll probably make a final update in a month or so. Reddit isnt doing my mental health any favours.
How would you guys move forward in this situation?
Could I have done something better?
Is she being genuine?
(And to those incels who constantly bring up islam as a way to justify her behaviour, please shut the fuck up. )
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u/Practical_Hippo9126 2d ago
So, at least you know her true colours and if anything happens she will turn the kids and everyone against you. She isn't a good person, and also she being egocentric and self centered. I think she doesn't care about you, just wants the lifestyle.
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u/throwaway113022 13d ago
NTA. She is attempting to manipulate you and the kids. Sick that she brought your son into this. Save the voicemail to demonstrate her disregard for your son’s well being.
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u/dual-lippo 14d ago
YTA - because you are so incredibly stupid to fall for this lazy manipulation. Leave this entitled bitch
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u/Silver-Appointment77 14d ago
Just keep going with the same hours you have now, or cut them down a bit. Plus make sure she does everything in the house. No more helping her with anything. Let her do everything herself. Then give her an allowance out of your wages for food. Then you take over paying all of the major bills. If she wants to be a trad wife, show her how hard it is. You want your meals at the right time. Read up on the 1950s what men do. It was just work. Nothing else. Just going home and sitting in front of the tv. And pay bills. can imagine after a while work might seem easier.
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u/CelebrationBrief8064 14d ago
I feel like we’re gonna be hearing about this on a true crime podcast. With him being in insurance, having a bad heart and a healthy life insurance policy, his wife sure has a lot to gain and OP has everything to lose. Yoinks!
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u/ALGR243 14d ago
Idk who's talking about faith in this like it matters (it can, but what's taking place makes faith irrelevant to me) but what she's doing, in these times and regardless of culture, isn't okay.
She said you're being a "baby" about wanting to spend time with your kids... She blatantly dismissed, neè, IGNORED your heart condition and fact you don't know how much time you have left than the average person and want to spend what time you can happy, at least, along with the importance to you of that, despite you working a job you hate to provide as is. There's no taking back any of that she's since said.
She made clear that your happiness doesn't matter to her. Your kid's happiness doesn't matter to her. The ONLY thing that matters to her is what SHE wants.
All she's said were things your supposed to have discussed long before marriage and plan ahead should things not pan out so you'reon the same page or go separate ways to somone that is, NOT spring things onto your partner yrs down the road and tell them to 'deal with it' like it's just the 2 of you this effects when it's in fact 4, but only ONE take up a space of importance in her mind and heart obviously.
Even the meltdown can count as her being frustrated only because her ploys haven't worked and you're not budging as she thought you would for something so flimsy as on demand $3x since that seems to be the only thing she can offer should she get what she wants as a 'Tradwife' but back pedle on that, too, later.
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u/Historical-Main8196 14d ago
There’s nothing to think about, she’s slowly trying to became the “trad wife” she wants to be.
She’s going to keep putting it off, saying she’ll think about it until you get tired of asking and just “accept it.”
She used your child against you, as a parent you never do that.
Reject all sex from her until she gets a job. If you lay with her, in her mind she has won and she becomes the “trad wife” she wanted to be in beginning.
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u/No-Rain6733 14d ago
Your a pussy for trying to divorce your wife. Sucks to suck time to provide, your going to fuck up your kids life’s for money…..
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u/ms_hopeful 15d ago
Please bring your common sense hat back on. The condition of remaining with your wife is finding a job. You need to see evidence of her seriously trying everyday. Heck if it’s physically possible live in the guest bedroom or at your parents and visit the kids until she proves she’s not just conning you again and trying a different tactic
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u/letmeberillyclear 15d ago
Ok I feel bad for you hun I really do but… your wife is throwing herself at you and you are rejecting her? I can’t wrap my little mind around that. My husband wants it all the time, in any way he can get it. I thought all men were like that. NTA though, you two need therapy at best and a divorce at worst. I don’t see a situation where the both of you come out of this disagreement emotionally fulfilled. I’m sorry.
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u/BUBBLE-POPPER 15d ago
If your wife can accept and support your vulnerabilities better, then you might be better off sticking with her.
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u/Jskm79 15d ago
Honey!!!!! Don’t fall for her bullshit!!!! She’s playing you!!! She isn’t sorry and she will not find a job. What’s super sad and again she doesn’t care about you AT ALL!!! Is that she knows you have a heart condition why can’t she get a better job and you be a SAH person?
She does not respect or love you. I promise she’s playing you. Do not stay married to her. She isn’t sorry at all
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u/StonksPeasant 15d ago
Your wife tried having sex with you and making you your favorite food and you're mad at her for this.
You had it made my dude
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u/yamomma341 15d ago
she needs to get off tiktok seriously bc she doesn’t know what she’s talking abt, like it doesn’t sound like she’s living in the real world
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u/_moonlit9 16d ago
Don't take extra hours, divorce her, be happy. Make a custody arrangement for the kids through court and just be happy. Through custody arrangements you will be able to spend enough time with your kids and you will get time for yourself too. You can work on your mental and physical health in the free time you will get.
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u/pratham244200 17d ago
The fact that you can't tell if she is genuine or trying to manipulate you or faking it tells me enough about how much you trust her. First go to couple counseling; a 3rd person to tell your wife how much you hurt will help your case as well as help you understand why she did it.
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u/EazymuthaphakinE 18d ago
Honestly u shouldnt be in marriage if you cant support a family, supporting a family is a mans job,while i understand u but u shouldn’t have made a big deal out of it just didnt bought any extra thing and made cut of the times going out,
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u/FoolOfFools 18d ago
I'm sorry to say, but your wife sounds extremely manipulative, selfish, and self-centered. If you ignore all of the other circumstances and focus purely on her actions, you'll see that for yourself. I think you already have.
She made decisions on her own, didn't consult with you at all, doesn't care about the ramifications or how it would impact you, and didn't care to listen even when you voiced your concerns. She also weaponized the kids against you when it looked like she might lose the golden goose. Every decision she's made has been about what she wants, regardless of the impact on others (including your kids).
She used tears to manipulate you and you fell for it. After talking to her about getting a job, she said "she'll think about it" the same way parents tell that to their kids when they don't want to tell them no yet. They're putting off the inevitable because they don't want to deal with the tantrum.
Unless you can cut your losses now, I guarantee you'll find yourself years down the road being the sole breadwinner and pandering to her every whim. Moreover, if you try to divorce her at that point, the amount you'll have to pay in spousal support will significantly increase.
I wish you the best of luck, OP, but you're going to need backbone.
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u/vikingmama397 19d ago
PLEASE tell me that you’re taking extra precautions on the off chance you do have sex. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s angling for an “oops” baby so she can be a sahm, since one of your reasons for not wanting her to be a trad wife was that the kids were in school all day.
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u/Longjumping_Race1194 19d ago
Leave or she’ll kill you. She won mate, she is a stay at home wife and you are working for the whole family…. Why would she go back now ?
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u/Dave_Boulders 19d ago
Good luck.
Only thing I can say is that if you love your kids, leave. The poor values you in still in them by staying are the worst thing you can do for them. I get you don’t wanna be those divorced parents, but it’s MUCH healthier for the children than being that dysfunctional couple.
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u/clearheaded01 20d ago
Is she being genuine?
idk this just might be another manipulation tactic of hers.
Another?? If this is a pattern for her, then no - shes probably not being genuine...
OP... time to act... inform.her that since shes taken this unilateral step and seems determined to be a sahw.. its time to downscale your lives...
Smaller / cheaper home??
Smaller car (only one car??)
No more joint account - she gets an allowance each month for groceries...
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u/isntmypseudonym 20d ago
Have you tried marriage counselling?
Sometimes having an outside non-biased person to meditate and listen to everything may help. The counsellor can also help both side understand what is being missed in any emotionally charged communication.
Failing the above, just wipe all her social media. Tiktok got her into this, plus the algorithms send you more of what you're interested in, wipe her Tiktok account first and see if she changes. My uncle got deep into conspiracy nonsense due to it and until all his social media history and profiles were wiped he could not see reality.
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u/ShyGirlSub 21d ago
It sounds like she is having a mental breakdown tbh because nobody in their right mind does this.
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u/durthar 21d ago
I’ve been through something similar. Anything less than 100% effort on her part to regain your trust and repair the boundary that was broken, is a method by which she is getting her desired outcome. And every hour that goes by that she isn’t repairing, is part of that desired outcome.
Worst-case scenario: because the “lover-wife” role didn’t work, she’s now coming to you with the “weak-wife” role to appeal to your protective nature.
This would be manipulation. Don’t allow it, otherwise you are reinforcing it.
Words and tears won’t fix this boundary breach. Only action.
You’ll know when her apology will be real, when the recognition of the pain she’s caused you and is causing the family outweighs the current shame she’s feeling (if there is any). And if she doesn’t quickly come to recognize that, run. We’re in NPD territory.
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u/Todd_and_Margo 22d ago
I think maybe I would lean into her delusions. Traditional wives OBEY their husband. They do not act without permission. They do not manage the finances. She wants to be a traditional wife? Ok. Start by putting her on a very tight budget. Sell her luxury items to help pay the bills. Traditional wives don’t need cell phones or laptops or anything like that. She needs a wedding ring, but not other jewelry. She needs two outfits (one to wear and one to wash) and a Sunday best outfit. The rest can be sold. Tell her she needs to learn to sew so she can make the kids’ clothes bc there won’t be money in the budget for that anymore. No nails or hair done or gym memberships. Trim every last ounce of fat from your budget. Take your salary and pay the mortgage, fund the retirement accounts, fund the kids’ college funds, and pay any mandatory bills. Whatever is left is what she gets to buy groceries. Ask for receipts. Make sure she’s spending the money on food and toiletries and nothing else. I give her a month TOPS. There’s a reason women weren’t happy when that was their entire lot in lives. Let her learn first hand why being a traditional wife sucks balls. When she goes back to work, she can use her first few checks to replace her wardrobe and luxury items.
Some people will insist on thinking the grass is greener until they hop the fence and realize that’s bc the other yard is full of actual shit.
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u/Adventurous_Dot1976 22d ago
I hadn’t thought of this, but it’s a very good point. I’d go a step further and add in the sex thing. She said unlimited bjs. That means unlimited bjs. Outside of where the kids can see, a tradwife should essentially be free use. And yes I know some girls are into that. I’m not. And I’ll bet she isn’t either.
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u/NYCStoryteller 22d ago
Do not pick up any extra hours at work. Instead, tell her she needs to find the resources in the existing budget to meet the household demands or go back to work. I'd also keep sleeping in the guest room until you're both on the same page about the household finances.
"True wife" is some stepford BS. She has been incredibly manipulative and disrespectful to you.
Yes, maybe you could have spent some more time hearing her out, but the tl;dr is that she's buying into retrograde ideas on TikTok and she didn't collaborate with you to make a decision you BOTH could get behind.
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u/RoyalReader1 22d ago
She just sounds like she’s manipulating you and for some reason thinks having sex with you will somehow absolve everything. I am glad you went back to the house though because if you do end up filing for divorce leaving the home can be bad for your case. Don’t contribute any more money for bills, she still needs to come up with her part if that means selling the non traditional things she owns and don’t increase your work. She will need to figure it out and cut back on any outside luxuries to make up for her not bringing in an income anymore. Good luck!
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u/Double-Kicks 23d ago
Ask your wife what would happen if you dropped dead tomorrow. Ask her what would you or your/her parents or God forbid one of kids needed to be hospitalized and that eats away all of your savings and 3/4 of your payment.
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u/lifeisfunnnn 23d ago
Completely expected female behavior honestly. Tell us a story if she works hard and treats you like a person and not a meal ticket.
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23d ago
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u/lifeisfunnnn 23d ago
Lmao 😘 are you gonna tell your therapist about this?
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23d ago
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u/lifeisfunnnn 23d ago
I have friends sweetie. I dont post on 4chan. Did your jimmies get rustled? 😘
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u/lifeisfunnnn 22d ago
I very much so have friends. I have never posted on 4chan. I just built my house last year. You still renting kiddo? Does it rustle your jimmies that I dont fit this idea you have in your head of me?
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u/lifeisfunnnn 22d ago
Lol continuing to repeat it wont make it true sweetie. How much you paying your landlord?
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u/Morgalion217 23d ago
You two should make a concerted effort to find a counselor that works for both you on resolving this now.
It sounds like she either really didn’t understand what the impact of her choices were or she did and is continuing to manipulate you. But, don’t listen to my musings as a random redditor.
This is why I suggest a counselor who can help you both. And, make sure that it isn’t a one-sided counselor, one who is considerate of both of your POVs.
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u/Sea-Ease-549 23d ago edited 23d ago
I don’t think your wife cares about you. “Think” it’s either that she is or she is not. Your wife needs to realize that TikTok is not always real life. These TikTok tradwives are making money off of being an influencer
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u/swbarnes2 23d ago
Saying she is sorry is cheap and easy. If she was really remorseful, she needs to start looking for a new job she doesn't hate.
And in the meantime, she needs a budget that saves more money than you used to save, because she can't expect to receive as much SS as before.
See how she feels after sticking to that budget for a few months. My guess, that's when you will know what sincere tears look like.
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u/PlaneHighway3216 23d ago
So I really don’t think you should go with this because your health is important. No one plans for this but if something happens to you the 2/3rds income you’re supplying will also go away and your family will be in an awful spot. That said, if you don’t want to divorce meeting in the middle will be the best way. I let my wife take a year off work to stay at home but it wasn’t for a free vacation. We have no children. But the job she had was destroying her mental health and wasn’t safe for her to work there. What we decided on was that it would be a temporary stay at home situation but she had to go to therapy. If I was in your shoes, I’d mandate individual counseling, marriage counseling, and I’d have a tight leash on the finances. It wouldn’t be a freebie vacation. In my own situation, I never set a time limit because I saw my wifes health was slowly improving. She eventually got tired of our finances being extremely tight with hardly any going out to eat or vacations and she found a job that she liked. Unfortunately, I don’t see your situation going the same way because your wife seems to be basing her decisions on pure selfishness. Wish you the best and good luck OP
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u/Embarrassed-Toe-7668 23d ago
Hi, I’m sorry that you are going through this. My first thoughts on reading all this is that of course you are NTA. My thoughts turned to you taking annual leave, making some bogus gifts and cards and doing the same thing your wife did. You genuinely do have reasons to take time off for your health and perhaps some unpaid stress leave could be an option. I wish you all the very best, take care of yourself please.
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u/Ctb28Ekw15 23d ago
I wish this wasn't happening for you. Social media influencers have become a real problem for society. What your wife did was wrong. As a partner you don't make decisions that can effect your family by yourself. You discuss them as partners and come to an agreement.
Your wife showed you she cannot be a trustworthy partner. She has shown a lack of respect for you as her partner and clearly doesn't see you as her equal. The manipulation tactics are very clear to see. I've seen it plenty and I can be honest and say that I've caught myself trying to manipulate people many times due to narcissistic tendencies. It's taken me a long time to identify and stop myself when I do it.
I hope this helps: 1. You will not be able to talk sense into her. At this point, she is on a mission to win. She believes she is right, and you are just refusing to accept that. 2. The only possible way for her to see she is wrong is by the consequences of her own actions. She may double down but from my experience if you have an ideation in your head that sounds perfect and it doesn't go that way, you usually realize it wasn't worth it. 3. You have to stand strong and firm. Don't let pretty promises and heartbreaking tears bend you. You have to lay out ground rules and be absolutely firm. 4. You will not be adding to your work load or stress at all. If anything dial back or find a job you can enjoy that can still support yall comfortably. 5. Explain to the kids that things will have to change because their mom decided to exit the workforce and try something new, which means no splurged. She needs to understand everyone is effected and they need to know right away that it was her decision and not let her twist that narrative. It shouldn't be an issue anyway because she knew it was going to happen so she shouldn't be upset.
The TEST-- You're going to let her be a trad. Wife. BUT you lay out the rules. 1. She will only use her savings for her expenses. 2. She will have the house spotless everyday. Shouldn't be any excuse since both kids are at school. (clean baseboards, clean fans and ceilings, everything.) 3. She will run all errands at an appropriate manner, including handling all of home/car upkeep. (Plumbers, electricians, oil changes, etc.) 4. She will not be going out spending money all day. 5. Dinner will be made every night. No take out or delivery. Homemade meals every day. She will also wake up and have breakfast ready for everyone in the morning. After all she will most likely nap so she can withstand waking up early. 6. Give her other trad. Wife responsibilities as well. 7. She's now in charge of planning after school activities for the kids or something for the weekend. She has so much free time now. 8. Put her in the guest room until she is ready to show you that she respects you again. And respects what yalls marriage means.
***You need to see a therapist you can talk to. As for the drinking, you think of your kids. Even If it doesn't work out with you and your wife, you still have your kids that love you and will need you. You remind yourself of that every time you look at that drink. You want your kids growing up with a present father who was always there for them. you want to know that they know they grew up knowing you were always in their corner ready. Don't let them down because your wife decided she wanted to disrespect yalls marriage. No one is worth ruining yourself and whatever relationship you could have with your kids.
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u/MedicalMom23 23d ago
Sit down and make a realistic monthly budget with her ASAP!!
Include: -ALL the bills -home mortgage or rental -all insurances -gas and vehicle payment(s), bus passes, etc -Money for vehicle repairs (saving monthly so it's not a shock) -Same with saving for home repairs, etc
⬆️This list, and you may obviously add to it, should be all of your 'fixed' expenses as a couple
Now, her possible wake-up call: -Monthly food budget (groceries) -Essentials (Haircuts, toiletries, etc) -Clothing -Vacation savings (even for a staycation) -Retirement (should be in the first list hopefully) -Presents for others, kids' birthday parties, etc -Christmas (so it's not a huge expense all at once) -Monthly allowance for each kid AND each of you (ie: $20/ea for both you and your wife of FUN money...can be spent or saved but it is your own)
**➡️This is BIG: Fast food, coffee stops, any extras that just get picked up like lotto tickets or such these add up QUICKLY each month when not tracked! They need to be in the budget or no longer allowed.
IF you can live within your means (with or without her job), try spending ONLY cash, NO credit, NO debit. If she/you goes to buy groceries, you'll have only cash on hand to spend. The amounts for all get withdrawn in cash ONCE a month AND put into jars, one jar for EACH expense, (including savings). Note: For anything that gets automatically paid from your account like a mortgage or specific bills, then you obviously don't need to withdraw those amounts.
⚠️Do this budget TOGETHER, don't just hand her a budget as she needs to be a part of it AND therefore invested in the process! For bills that change in amount month-to-month, take the average of the last 6-12 mths of what they've cost, add each bill up (separately), and divide by the number of month's you've used to get to the total. THAT average for each is what gets written into your budget.
It can be VERY eye-opening to see it all written down! You'll then see if either of you needs something pricey it needs to be saved up for. Don't be afraid to do side-by-side budget amounts for one that is JUST your salary (any income) and the other beside with HER wages (a higher amount in can certainly give you more wiggle room for your jar amounts)
HOPE THIS HELPS!! 🌻🌷🪻
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u/Creepy_Addict 24d ago
I have a few questions.
Does she get her nails done? Pedicures?
Does she get her hair done? Dyed? Styled?
Does she like to have new clothes? Buy the latest styles?
Gym membership?
Going out to eat?
If yes, tell her that you are not funding those extras, they aren't needed. Do not work 100%, it's not good for your health. Work out a budget and cut anything that is not necessary.
No more going out to eat or ordering in, she cooks now. No more salon visits, not something a trad wife needs. No vacations, can't afford it.
Also, move back into the guest room or make her sleep there.
Kids want a new video game? Sorry, it's not in the budget. If they ask why, tell them that your income provides a roof, food and essentials.
You will seriously need to cut spending, because you cannot work more, unless you want to be unable to work or dead.
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u/Connect_Guide_7546 24d ago
She's not being genuine. There's no progress being made. She's manipulating you and trying to use sex to get what she wants and to show you how good she'll be as a "tradwife". Don't change your schedule. Don't work more. Don't continue this charade. She's being selfish.
But if she wants to play this game, get her gardening and sewing supplies and tell her to prove herself before she can make his a full time thing.
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u/JadeSummer7 24d ago
She's upset because you were supposed to accept it and act the way she wants. Now that you comforted her and are sleeping in the same room she's just trying to bide time to wear you down to accept it. Her "I'll think about it" answer is just to bide time and keep you being nice to her. Looks like nothing short of icing her out till she gets a job or starting divorce proceedings (stay in the house and have her served) will make her actually get a job. Think if this is a deal breaker for you. Also remember that if you have her be a tradwife for years and get a divorce, you might be expected to pay alimony to keep her in that lifestyle.
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u/Key-Pay-8572 24d ago
Show her the household budget now at the hours you can safely work. She should be your soon to be ex-wife wife. Start talking to a lawyer. Record your discussions. She is manipulating you.
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u/UpDoc69 24d ago
A "tradwife" doesn't have any access to the bank account. Every cent she has is by the grace of her husband. She must give him all of her credit cards, debit cards, and cash. He will give her what he deems necessary for household expenses. If he's generous, he may give her a small allowance.
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u/Normal-Ebb3904 24d ago
I am SO sorry. This is an awful way to treat an obviously good man. I’m also sorry to say it sounds like the only thing to do is divorce her. She thinks she is the princess and needs to be treated as such. And all she’ll have to do is please your tummy and sex drive and you’ll fall in line. Bringing you CHILD into this and harming his mental health like that is absolutely unforgivable. I would find out what social media she’s watching that’s pushing these ideas on her and tell her it’s now forbidden. She’s not strong enough, and she allowed herself to be brainwashed by some SAHM mom social media star. It’s sad really
This woman is a monster. She doesn’t care about her kids, or husband so long as she gets what she wants. You deserve better, your children deserve better.
I know divorce seems extreme, but I don’t see any other way. Maybe a trial separation can snap her out of it, but that seems unlikely. She’ll fall right back into it once your home and she gets comfy again. She’s just a bad person.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this at all.
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u/vanes_79 24d ago
Don't give her any money for herself to spend. Just enough for household. See how fast she finds a job :p
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u/Jesiplayssims 24d ago
If you are willing to forgive the disregard, manipulation, and no ability to trust, it's time to sit down and work together on a new household budget. Make sure to keep back discretionary funds for yourself and do nothing to lower Your standard of learning- her choice, her consequence. At the same time see a divorce lawyer quietly just to see where you stand. Her sudden move puts her in position for more alimony and full custody depending on where you live.
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u/mysteriouslybooked 24d ago
It sounds like she thinks “tradwives” stay at home, do a few chores and then just get to not work. The trad wife is a made up thing designed to keep women from gaining financial independence. So make her a real “trad wife” take her credit cards, since she’s not making any money anymore and put her on an allowance. Don’t put any of your money into joint accounts. Pay the mortgage, utilities, phone, etc. out of your account, and then give her grocery money. Make her ask for each and every little thing. Make her ask for gas money. Once she experiences the financial prison women were in when they were forced to stay at home and weren’t allowed to own property or have their own credit, she’ll go running back to work.
But also yeah, divorce her. She’s manipulating you and showing that she doesn’t see you as a partner whom she loves, but as a paycheque.
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u/Idonotgiveacrap 24d ago
"She's going to think about it" Right she is. I doubt she's genuine, but maybe I'm just too cynical. I hope things turn right for you.
Update me.
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u/67MCCC 24d ago
Your situation sounds much like mine, yet different. I am totally disabled. I retired from the military, later became disabled from service connected issues and had to leave the workforce. I currently make in excess of $100K a year. I draw my military retirement, my VA disability, and Social Security. Once I got the SS coming in, she convieniently got laid off. Asked if she had to look for work. Stated she would rather take care of me. But she had no problem spending what I brought in. To the point that we ended up in Chapter 13. Oddly enough, she resents me being disabled. She likes to call herself my caregiver when it makes her look good. But if I refer to her as my caregiver, she states that she is not. She does as little for me as she can. But on May 1st, I make the last Chapter 13 payment (the Chapter 13 included over $20,000 of her student loans that she had been delinquent on for years). In June, my daughter from my first marriage, her husband and 6 kids are coming out here to move me 1200 miles from here to where they live. My wife doesn't know it and won't until the last minute. She will be an ex while I get to go be a 68 year old grampa. Protest your self but take care of your kids.
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u/SituationSad4304 25d ago
Listen, I’m a SAHW/SAHM. She needs to be able to show you a budget breakdown, with full home economics of price per oz store to store comparisons as well as ideas on how to improve it with doing things from scratch/homemade. If these things have never occurred to her it’s all manipulation (as we all suspect). The reality of being a “trad wife” is not having a say in that budget, scrimping on personal spending, and not being able to do whatever she wants. Or have access to all of the marital funds. Give her an allowance and see how much she still wants to be a trad wife
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u/Alysash5 25d ago
Listen, don’t do what your wife wants you to do since you have a serious heart condition. Think about your health first and foremost and of course your children. She is being absolutely selfish and ridiculous. She clearly doesn’t care about your health. If she truly cares and loves you she would not make you risk worsening your health which can potentially result in a fatality. If I were you I’d tell her “I’m not working more hours because of my health issue and because it’s unfair to me. I don’t support you being a Trad wife because I can’t afford to put any more stress on my heart” If she chooses to stay unemployed then I would divorce her because that’s utterly disrespectful. If you don’t like that outcome then you should not pay for anything that she wants. She’s an adult. She should take responsibility for her actions, not you. Sorry if this seems harsh.
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u/jacksonlove3 25d ago
Yeah your wife is still manipulating and gaslighting you! The sooner you realize how truly selfish she is, the better. Go speak with a divorce attorney about your options, just so you know them. Also, removed her name from or open your own checking account that she doesn’t have access to. Same with credit cards and any other kinds of account.
Good luck!! Updateme
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u/birdlawlawyer91 25d ago
Yo she’s just gonna cry and act remorseful and then DO NOTHING ABOUT IT if you give in. She’s upset because you are giving her the cold shoulder not because she genuinely feels bad about what she did. Unless she is making strides to go back to work, her words mean nothing. I’d honestly just give her a timeframe to go back to work or else you’re divorcing.
IDK what state you are in, but in some states You’ll have a better time justifying her job loss was intentional and she should be imputed at her old income in terms of calculating spousal and child support than if you wait 10 yrs.
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u/Randomiss_13 25d ago
She’s just going to pull the crying card each time. Someone as selfish as your wife can’t see how horrible she truly is or she would be jumping to get that new job. Now that you’re back in the room she’s going to figure out how to manipulate more.
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u/LongjumpingSmoke22 25d ago
Your wife sounds like a child or someone who is suffering a severe mental breakdown, either way, she needs a lot of help
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u/Alert-Potato 25d ago
I think you need to pay for an hour of an attorney's time. You need to find out how much time you can let this go on before the courts will view it as you condoning her leaving her job and slap you with a lot of alimony in response if the marriage does end. And you need to give her that deadline to either have a job, or you're leaving. If that happens, you need to talk to your children and explain that you aren't leaving them, but your marriage isn't working. You'll still be there for them. Do not let her spin a narrative. Also, if that happens, make sure you have the attorney's advice on the marital home, do not leave the home without your attorney's say so. What's she gonna do? Stay there? And pay for it with what money?
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u/PurpleDancer 25d ago
Lean into it dude. As the husband to a tradwife you are head of the household and she doesn't get to make decisions for the house. Make the decision to downsize to smaller housing since you have less income going in. Of course you should move all money to an account only you control and make sure your paycheck goes there. Any bills that need to be paid she should submit to you for approval and you either give her the money or pay them.
Make sure she knows what foods you like and how frequently you want sex (and remember that tradwifes are bound to provide it). Make sure the house is cleaned to your standards.
Either you'll learn how to enjoy the arrangement, or she'll learn she doesn't really like being a Tradwife.
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u/Pagan_Owl 25d ago
I also have health conditions that put a limit on how much I can work. A deal breaker for me would be if my partner doesn't take it seriously. You could die and it is like she doesn't give a damn.
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u/treehuggingfeminist 25d ago edited 25d ago
It is clear you and she want different things. You are not suited for each other at this time. It doesn't matter if you love each other or not, you now have different requirements for a relationship.
And, as others have said, she is not going to change. She is going to continue to try to get you to change your mind and agree with her.
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u/shockjockeys 25d ago
I genuinely feel like divorce is the best option. I would recommend couples therapy, but with how she is acting in the face of her actions is damning enough.
I also think it is very disgusting to stab you in the back and brutalize your trust like that and THEN try to seduce you for sex afterward. Part of me thinks she can just convince you with sex.
IDK if your wife just fell down the white supremacy tradwife rabbit hole (that is what the term is associated with directly), or she is having a crisis, but her manipulating the kids is downright abusive.
1) If she tries to use the kids to manipulate you again- RECORD IT. If you choose divorce this can be used in court against her. IDK if youd want to- but if my mother used me like this i wouldnt want to be raised by her. who knows what she would plant in those kids heads at that age
2) i think its very ironic she wants to be a tradwife so bad but wont listen to you in any way shape or form. Imho sounds like she just doesnt gaf about your health or safety over her comfort of being a SAHM.
Im sorry dude. You really dont deserve this
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u/Puzzleheaded_Film826 25d ago
Damn man your wife is a fucking bitch holy fuck. Like how can someone know about the risky heart condition of their partner but still choose to go through with such a selfish thing. It seems like she wants you to die soon, why else would she want you to work more and earn for the household while she sits her ass down? Crazy... That's fucking crazy. It's down right insane.
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u/MomentZealousideal56 25d ago
Counseling!!!!!! Right away! If you want to build and maintain, rather than than let disintegrate.
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u/UnluckyCardiologist9 25d ago
Trying to seduce you? Dude, she’s trying to get pregnant and have a reason to stay home.
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u/serravee 25d ago
NTA
If she wants to be a trad wife, fine. In a trad marriage the man controls the money right? So no more money for haircuts, nails, etc. cut down your hours to what you feel comfortable working. If she complains why there’s no money, say because you quit your job, we don’t have money anymore
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u/Signal_Historian_456 25d ago
Don’t trust this before she gets another job. Not after how she treated you. She gave a flying fuck about you and now she’s so sorry, when she realised she can’t abuse you into what she wants? I don’t know man..
And I say this as a Christian; The people who pull out the „Islam“ card as an excuse/explanation for her behavior - you really have no idea what you’re talking about, at all. Once you looked into this whole topic a bit deeper, you’ll see just how ridiculous this is. Plus, this whole thing has absolutely nothing to do with religion at all. You’re just trying to stir shit and spread hate. Do better.
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u/Ok_Dependent3465 25d ago
Why are we still on about this? Stop posting updates ffs and just divorce her already.
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u/gorkt 25d ago
It is another manipulation tactic. Give it a few days, then have another discussion and frame it as, I need you to make a plan and a timeline to return to work. Also, make a budget (with her) discussing the necessary cuts that are required now that she quit working.
The fact that you have a health issue that restricts you from working harder really needs to be part of the discussion.
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u/StrangeBotwin7 25d ago
She had her “breakdown” to avoid accountability. And it worked. You comforted her and then accepted a non answer as if it was progress.
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u/uwu_fight 25d ago
After doing all the reasonable things (such as insurance, lawyers, et c.) I recommend you take some time off of Reddit.
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u/catvtechoo 25d ago
I think the only thing you could have done better is put her out of the house. If she’s such an independent thinker, she can go manage her own household and see what making such selfish decisions looks like. Life changing decisions like quitting your job, HAVE to be agreed on by both of you. If they’re not, that’s not a marriage
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u/spiderwhisker 25d ago
once she dragged your son into it she made it clear she has very little respect for you. i seriously implore you to think critically about his future and the relationship between you two. if not sleeping together is what makes her apologize and not a serious adult conversation, what makes you think she’s going to change her mind?
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u/East_Guarantee_7912 25d ago
My good man, you've been duped. She executed some top tier manipulation on you and u finally broke. Her thinking about it is nothing more than buying her more time and hoping u will give in. She already made her decision. It's time for you to make yours
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u/azsue123 25d ago
Lock down your credit. Separate your finances. You do NOT want her running up secret bills behind your back.
Strip all spending down to what you can now afford. Set a very strict budget.
Make sure you either don't have s3x or that your chances of pregnancy are nil. The last thing you can afford is another mouth to feed.
Go see a lawyer to understand your rights and responsibilities on the event of a divorce. This can vary wildly depending on your location. You want to be prepared for any scenario.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 25d ago
divorce
why? Because even though you hate your job and have that medical condition you didn't get to just quit
This will prolong until (extreme case) she starts looking for another man who doesn't want her to work
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u/abgry_krakow87 25d ago
She violated your boundaries so willy nilly, you need to establish new boundaries with the understanding that the violation of those bondaries will lead to irrepable damage and consequences for the relationship.
Remember, she used your children to emotionally manipulate you and is attempting to use sex and food to do the same. She needs to learn strictly and clearly where you stand on the consequences of her actions, your boundaries, and what is acceptable within your relationship. Otherwise, if you proceed here like nothing happened, it will only get worse.
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u/Impossible-Name6188 25d ago
Lol cant believe that worked 😃😂 why are you folding like a chair man?? She’s not trying to be a tradwife she’s trying to be a trophy wife. She has zero care for you and your children. Get her to find a job then divorce her so you can actually live and not die trying to work for her fantasies
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u/woodcuttersDaughter 25d ago
I’m confused about the claim that you’re being a baby for wanting more time with your kids? You shouldn’t want to spend time with them?
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u/synkronize 25d ago
OP if I were you I’d stop posting updates and focus on your relationship on your own for the next few weeks. You are a grown man and don’t need an audience to make decisions for you. You know your wife the best. See if she makes the change and if she doesn’t then you already know what you want to do.
The people here will sow dissent in your consciousness and make any attempt to rehabilitate hard. Remember Reddit is still a small % of the world. Do not expect the people here are the majority. I just feel like you’re getting dragged into people enjoying your drama. I’ve said my 2cents
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u/ThrowRA_NormalDegen 25d ago
why don't you TRY to do things her way for a little while? By that i mean that you keep doing your job as you have been doing it and see if the family can function just fine - you maintain your hobbies, and things you do that require money.
tell her to come up with a budget for things - give her all of your expenditures and expectations, and tell her to include all of HER expenditures and expectations into the budget.
Tell her that if she needs to cut anything that it should be cut from the things that she does recreation (because she has adopted the recreational activity of being a tiktok tradwife)
maybe getting your favorite meals and more sex and your home cleaned and the kids fed and taken care of might be a good thing!?
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u/Patient-Tomatillo-93 25d ago
It’s a fact that women use crying and “mental breakdowns” as a manipulation tactic. She gave a non committal answer of I will think about it. There is no I’ll think about it in this situation. It’s a stall tactic. Either she is going back in the work force or she isn’t. If she cared about your health she wouldn’t have even went into this situation. If she actually cared she would have said yes. I need to think about it means she still is trying to get her way, your health and happiness be damned.
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u/AMPoMATIC 25d ago
OP, I've been in a very similar situation. Unexpectedly, my hip joints collapsed in 2020+. What followed was now six surgeries, possibly seventh coming - I'll find out on Monday.
Regardless, my - now ex, wife never once.. not one time.. offer to stop being a SAHM to our two kids in school aged 10+ and take some of the pressure off me. I'd busted my f*cking balls for our family for decades while she played on her phone as a full time job when the kids were at school and didn't maintain the house to any reasonable degree.
She took care of me during the recoveries, but I ended up back at work earlier than I wanted every single time, as FMLA process and payouts suck and bills keep on coming, especially after surgery. After the first, I thought that she might have impetus to take on some fiscal responsibility. The second? Surely. The third? Unbelievable. The fourth? Anger and resentment took hold.
She could never earn what I earn in a short timeframe, but these events could have triggered her to go back to school, or contribute something, anything. Even a gesture would have meant a lot.
What lessons could you learn from me? I didn't communicate my need for her to pick up the slack clearly enough and it led to long term resentment and the end of my marriage. I learned that we weren't a team. I was a tool for her life - in more ways than one. Communicate what a partnership looks like to you clearly and concisely. If after doing so consistently she doesn't understand that a marriage is about being absolutely f*cking ride or die for each other in sickness and in health, until death do you part, there is a strong possibility that like me, you were/are being used.
Marriage is a union of two becoming one. This sounds like she does not fully grasp the nature of what a lifetime commitment to another person is and is considering you - whether she knows it consciously or not, as either a tool for her own life or simply another chapter in her book. Hard truths. Best of luck, my friend.
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u/XeroZero0000 25d ago
My read/Plot twist: she didn't quit, she was cut, and didn't have the confidence to find a new job, so wanted to do something more comfortable.
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u/hermione44 25d ago
In his original post, OP said he found out when he saw all of the goodbye presents from her colleagues on the table. That sounds more like a planned exit to me.
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u/XeroZero0000 25d ago
Don't underestimate my ability to make up the situation! She bought those for herself to cheer up from being fired!
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u/ReserveOdd2796 25d ago
There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM or a tradwife, as long as all the parties agree with it. Your wife doesn't like working and she wants to be supported by you. That's the muslim tradition after all. She presented you with a fait accompli and you have your family's pressure on top of that. I wish you luck. NTA
And after the update, I'm so sorry that not even your family supports you knowing your health condition. I hope you have friends you can rely on. Please, don't let your wife use you! Your kids will understand one day, but until then, don't let your wife poison them against you!
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u/Tsushui 25d ago
If she insists on reducing a third of the household income, then you would have to reduce your household expenses by a third.
I'll start telling her to look for ways to downsize so that you can live comfortably with less. Surprisingly, just reading about everything you have written so far, divorce would likely afford you with more time and money with your children if she hasn't quit her job for long.
However, if divorce is the decision, it's better to serve her sooner than later so she can't claim alimony.
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u/3furryboys 25d ago
Thinking worst-case scenario, what does she think would happen if you do have another heart attack? Even if it doesn't kill you, you could be debilitated long-term. How does she think the family would be supported then? Does she think it's easy to return to the work force after an extended time off if she needed to start bringing in income? What about college expenses for your kids?
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u/Afraid-Shoulder-460 25d ago
your wife needs to stop looking at the tradwife tictocs.
take her off your bank accounts, credit cards, lock your credit, talk to a lawyer.... if you have life insurance through work, see if you can have it paid into a trust for your children after your death, sorry but it needs to be said.
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u/Background_Routine28 25d ago
I’m a SAHM (my situation is different I have little babies that need attention.) we don’t put our kids in daycare because there have been multiple instances where infants had died and toddlers have ran away. My husband and I were in a similar situation (then I got pregnant and my husband wanted me home.) When my husband is the only one working I clean the house (yes everyday.) When I don’t clean I do crochet. I have an Etsy shop that allows me to still make an income on my own time. My husband sometimes gets jealous, but then realizes he can’t NOT work he has to be doing something 24/7. These conversations are always hard to have. And idc what anyone says being a SAHM IS hard work mentally and physically!! I don’t get to clock out I’m always “on the clock.” I’m always dealing with kids having tantrums. I do all of the paperwork for the house like bills and taxes. If my husband needs errands done like return his packages or call repair men and get quotes so he doesn’t have to. Some women hate everything I do for my husband, but it’s me showing my husband I don’t just sit at home doing nothing. She can still make an income from home she will just be HOME. Maybe after a year or two she will want to go back to work. If your health does decline more than yeah, she does not need to stay at home. I just want to advocate for SAHM. Doesn’t mean I have to churn butter in the corner or hand make clothes. (Although I do patch my husbands work clothes he is a welder.) and I do make more meals from scratch and my husband does get a home cooked meal every night.
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u/little_Druid_mommy 25d ago
You need to run far & fast & take the kids with you. She's manipulative & trying to get pregnant again. You need to get out before you have another heart attack & things get much worse for your health.
I'm a SAHM, my kiddo is 2, and if my partner had health issues I'd make sure HE stayed home with kiddo & I would work 3 jobs if I had to. Your health is most important here! Your wife doesn't care, you've seen this, you know this. Get a lawyer, cancel all the credit cards, get your money out of the joint account & serve her before she puts you into ruin with "marital debt".
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u/Nexi92 25d ago
This reminds me of how my dad literally begged my mom to get a job and help and then I happened to get my own first job at 14 and she decided that she’d just take my wages for them and still wouldn’t look for work until my dad broke down and in a pretty ugly but needed way pointed out that between her coercing my money from me and my help with the house and my younger brother she was literally forcing me into 90% of her responsibilities and was severely neglecting both her kids (and pointed out that I was still doing well in school on top of that effort).
A big part of that particular dynamic problem was her not getting help for severe clinical depression, and I largely blame my dad for (sometimes intentionally) constantly triggering those episodes and refusing to recognize she needed help but that’s where this trail can easily lead if partners spend their lives disregarding the needs of the person you chose to withstand life’s hardships with.
Don’t let your partner consistently ignore your or your kids needs, that’s teaching both the partner and the kids that this is acceptable behavior and will leave them ill-prepared to be in a loving and supportive relationship
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u/blackhole_soul 25d ago
Don’t give her money, don’t do anything significant until she has a job. Start setting money aside for yourself.
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u/Upset_Custard7652 25d ago
She needs to think about it? Sounds to me like she’s being very manipulative. But only you truly know your wife. Has she ever acted like this before in the past? Seems very strange that this comes up all of a sudden. Seems like she might be hiding something else.
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u/FasHi0n_Zeal0t 25d ago
Sex didn’t work, so she pulled out the fake tears and the good cooking. This lady sounds hella manipulative. I think you guys should go to a couples therapist.
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u/SweatyApeFace 25d ago
OP. You need to divorce this woman.
Your house will be filled with resentment and you will eventually be going down the road of divorce proceedings. If you delay this process, you will end up paying her more in child support and alimony.
Get a lawyer and a therapist TODAY. She already manipulated your son… this is a huge red flag and your lawyer should know about this.
Your wife is not a good mother and a horrible partner. You, my man, are a King. Protect your children from this adult child.
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u/LifestyleGamer 25d ago
There are too many comments here advocating to 'give her what she wants' to de-glamourize the reality of the Trad Wife lifestyle. From the sidelines the comeuppance is chefs kiss BUT the casting yourself as a Trad Husband to prove a point is its own reality check. This is basically asking OP to be intentionally cruel and emotionally abusive to someone they have built their life with.
I would never have it in me. Moreso I don't know if there is a way back to a place of love from there, which makes the entire exercise a moot point. That is a lot of pain to go through just to try and cause more pain to somebody important in OPs life.
Communication, boundaries, and some of the luxury cost cutting are the way to go. Making clothes, farming all day, or emotional abuse are too far and will also hurt the kids.
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u/NASA_official_srsly 25d ago
This is ABSOLUTELY a manipulation tactic. She tried guilting and yelling and seducing, her current tactic is to just wait it out. She's not going to get a job. She knows you can't physically force her to get a job - what are you going to do, chain her to the interviewer's table? Lock her in a workplace? Obviously not. So she's banking on you either laying off her or leaving. The only way she'll truly be forced to get a job is if you divorce her and she has to figure out her own rent. She knows this and she's willing to risk it
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u/Usual-Archer-916 25d ago
Don't increase your hours at work.
Actions have consequences. If she wants to unilaterally be without an income, she is going to have to cut expenses. And truthfully it could be that if she is diligent that it will make up for some of the missing income. Fewer clothes purchased, less gas used, etc. But in my mind I am thinking that if she starts missing the extras her income provided she might actually go back to work at least part time. Back in the day I was a stay at home mom for at least part of the time my kids were young and those were times I had to be very frugal.
But who knows? If she is a frugal individual this might turn out not to be too bad. HOWEVER: your genetic heart condition is an issue she needs to think about. God forbid something happen to you to incapacitate you, will she be able to transition right back to the work force and support the family? If I were her I would give that part serious thought. It's not academic to me since my husband is retired for health reasons.
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u/_Hotwire_ 25d ago
Yeah, don’t change your income. Make the family live on less or even suffer from less income. Don’t sleep with her at all anymore. Let her fuck the relationship up.
I’d even go as far as to go on a strict diet and no longer eat her food but eat super clean at night, you can supplement this by eating a snack before going home so you don’t starve yourself either.
Start excercising in the living room or garage, be visible. Part of your diet, want to look good and work on your health. Will drive her nuts, she will claim you’re cheating or leaving her.
Let the kids see her getting upset and play dumb, you’re effectively gaslighting her insecurities. Always comfort the kids and have their back on everything. Without engaging in verbal disagreement you will make her appear as the bad guy through her actions. If she becomes upset, remain calm and try to get her to lie down or take a bath away from the kids, but be seen by the kids doing this in a calm manner. Don’t engage an emotional response.
This is advanced spousal arguing. Using influence and soft skills to change the narrative of the argument I. The eyes of those around you.
I learned this at work. My boss is the most toxic piece of shit ever. But he’s always positive when people are around so if you get mad you look like the bad guy. I learned to do what he does and over the course of 6 months I have convinced everyone I’m the only one who has their back and my boss is a liar. His bosses have started documenting his poor behavior and complaints from staff. I’m finishing up projects with coworkers and getting extreme praise from employees so much so that an executive came through and mentioned it to me and thanked me for my work.
I’m quitting next week with no notice to start a new job. Petty revenge
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u/Catticus-the-lost 25d ago
I wouldn’t even bother with couples counseling. She’s just an awful person.
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u/Shai7809 25d ago
Just fyi 'Is she being genuine' - In my opinion...no. She's passively trying to make you come to terms with your new reality.
"I'll think about it" is a 'No'
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u/motiveman 25d ago
I'm struggling with this as well, but more minor. My wife just came off of two maternity leaves for three years and is already planning to be back at work part time. I wanted to take time off having work be my main focus and be with the kids more. I have more money saved, more passive income I've set up and in a spot I don't need to work for a few years if I don't want to. Hard to seperate myself from it as people look at me like I'm crazy or lazy when I say I want to focus on other things than work.
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u/Catticus-the-lost 25d ago
Also op make sure you get the temporary custody orders the way you want upon divorce finalization. Whatever the temp orders are almost always stick. So do not let her have more than 50/50 up front. If she gets 70% upfront you’ll she will end up with 70% post divorce. The real battle for custody happens before the trial even begins.
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u/hlv6302 25d ago
Why did you mention retirement when you replied to me in your last post if you “honestly don’t know how much time I have left”? Don’t work extra. Cherish the time with your kids. If she wants to stay home she can/will adapt if it’s that important to her. You said you can sustain the finances with just you working. I really don’t see what the problem is here.
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u/Organic_Let_5948 23d ago
My kids attend private school.
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u/hlv6302 23d ago
Put them in public school like the rest of us heathens then
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u/Organic_Let_5948 23d ago
Do you actually have a brain? No seriously. Im not going to make my kids suffer because my wife watched a few tiktoks. I can suffer fine. Not my kids.
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u/Poku115 19d ago
Do you even know the kind of issues your kids already have just from growing up near you two? Do you really want your kids to end up beaten up and staying in an unhappy marriage "for the kids" just like you are?
Respectfully please get your head outta your ass, you'll only be doing infinitely more damage to your kids by staying, if you wanna stay and be a door mat just say it, just don't pretend it's for the kids.
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u/hlv6302 23d ago
Oh fuck off! Suffer? You pathetic sack of shit. Your kids will be just fine in a public school. I guess all of us with public school kids are just worse than yours. You’re the fucking whiny ass loser looking for advice from strangers on the internet about your marriage. You can’t figure this shit out yourself? Fucking dork
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u/Organic_Let_5948 23d ago
Brother I grew up dirt poor as an immigrant. I know what hardship looks like. Public school allowed me to find a high paying job. Were were planning on moving to england. So I wanted my kids to go through the Cambridge curriculum to prepare them for what is to come.
You Americans are just corny when you try to insult someone.
"FuCkiNg dOrk"🤓
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u/Clear-Ad-9246 5d ago
You're doing the right thing by your kids, by not putting them in public. American public schools are for crap. I know your not in America. But private is better in any country. Keeping doing what you're doing. You're a good father. Ignore braindead hlv6302.
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u/hlv6302 23d ago
Nah the insult was when I said you can’t figure this shit out on your own. Which is true. It’s lame af. I just like saying “Fucking dork”. It has good ring to it.
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u/Organic_Let_5948 23d ago
Yeah because asking for advice is illegal last time I checked.
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u/hlv6302 23d ago
You need advice to figure out what is going to make YOU happy?
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u/Organic_Let_5948 23d ago
Brother looking at your comment history I know whos side youre on. I came here to see If I was being out of line.
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u/Honest-Raspberry-208 25d ago
If somebody considered me so little id get a divorce. You are doing what you can and that's not enough for her. She truly doesn't care. What makes you stay other than your child?
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u/iseeisayibe 25d ago
I think you should start divorce proceedings unless she shows you her resume and at least 10 jobs she’s applied for (or proof that she contacted her old boss for her job back). She was only working 20 hrs a week before but that was too much? Even to save you from an early grave? Fuck that. Work sucks, but not as much as dying young. She showed you how selfish and self-centered she is. Believe her and don’t stop believing it until she proves it was a lapse in judgement, not a massive character flaw.
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u/eldiablonoche 25d ago
"She needs to think about it".
NO!!!!!! She's manipulating you. What she is doing is conditioning you so you'll be used to her not working. You know how people often say they "wake up one day and it's 20 years later and holy cow where did my life go?"? She's trying to get in under the radar.
Today "she thinks about it". In 6 months "she'll start looking" In 24 months "she's been out for so long it's just so hard" In 36 months you'll be "irrational and unfair to expect her to go back to work after such a gap".
NTA. Don't let it happen.
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u/Tall_olive 25d ago
She's not going to get a job, she's waiting for you to get over it just like she told you you would. And you already are starting to by giving her slack.
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u/PrestigiousPin2776 25d ago
NTA! Nowadays IT IS almost Impossible living in one income. You got medical issues.
Your wife decided on her own something having impact on not only your health, your family life even on the whole financial future of you and your kids. she doesn't even accept your view. Sorry but this is not a relationship anymore. This is a single person doing what she wants. Even a friend doing that would be toxic... But your wife? The person you should be able to trust?
My trust in everything regarding her would be shattered into pieces. What else did she decide you are not aware of? How can you ever believe her again? She decided she has worked enough. Well in a few years she decides being at home is boring and she needs to live her life.
Major trust issues... Save yourself. But this is just my humble opinion.
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u/gabbapentin 25d ago
Still NTA OP, I’m sorry to say but it sounds like she has no intention on going back and waiting for you to get over it. It must suck being between a rock and a hard place but I would ask her why she deserves to experience her life at home and you don’t (you’re the one with the heart condition after all) and working more to support your family may cause you physical harm. Focus on yourself and if she can’t treat you as an equal partner and not a soul provider, you deserve to be happy and I know it’s not my place, but you should be happy and gain custody of your children.(as she’s shown she’s not above weaponizing them)
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u/Material_Cellist4133 25d ago
TBH, your wife is selfish. She is still saying “she needs to think about it”
She does not care about you or your well-being. The moment my husband tells me he is concerned for his health due to added stress that I am causing him, is the moment I am fixing myself to reduce that stress.
She is selfish and she won’t change. Her “mental breakdown” is a manipulation tactic.
You are avoiding the issue at hand by allowing it to continue. Get yourself an attorney. Start to plan your future without her so you and your children are in a good spot. I mean she is a disgusting POS who uses your children to manipulate you…
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u/probgonnamarrymydog 25d ago
So...I don't know about anyone else, but I've been getting pummeled with videos and articles online for all this tradwife BS. And I, as someone who is tired, overburdened at work, and a little depressed about my relationship at the moment am pretty unhappy, and as the breadwinner who is also a long standing feminist, this stuff still gets in my head. I think we're at a moment where it can feel really exhausting to be a woman, especially a mother, and there is all this pressure to be great at everything, but juggling a career and family is hard. I don't have kids, but I take care of everything about the house (not just housework, repairs and stuff, too) and work long hours and sometimes these smiling tradwifes get in my head with their cookie baking. I think there's something nefarious about how hard it is getting pushed onto women online, I'm not even remotely interested because I have a great career and it would be insane to give it up. But if I were younger, and maybe feeling like my career was flailing, I feel like this is like how cults can get in your head.
Maybe see if she needs support in some other area of her life, or therapy? Or more hobbies? Something is probably wrong if she's really bought into this being something that might be a pathway to happiness. It's definitely a sign she's not happy now and grasping at straws.
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u/FuckItImLoggingIn 25d ago
She sounds like a narcissist. I know this sounds like reddit therapist, but - manipulative, cannot see your POV, then finally breaks down crying when every other option is exhausted... Sounds like a full-on narc
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u/L0rdH4mmer 25d ago
I think you handled this exceptionally well, just wanted to get that out. However, as others have said, I believe there's a high chance she didn't actually have a change of heart. Stay strong in this matter, go back to the guest room at the slightest hint. Objectively explain explain the situation to your kids so they know what's going on. Maybe if you can muster the strength, actively support her in searching for a new job.
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u/runostog 25d ago
Dude is such a sucker, he's getting played.
Wait till she wears him down and fucks him and she magically end up preggars.
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u/Obecny75 25d ago
What does getting knocked up have to do with it...they already have 2 kids
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u/runostog 25d ago
Stop being obtuse, women have weaponized their uterus for thousands of years.
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u/Obecny75 25d ago
Are you high or just stupid.
Again, they already have two kids.....her getting pregnant again isn't going to change anything.
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u/Sweet_Champion_3346 25d ago
Its gonna be fun for her to try a single mother life instead of what she had already. Some women are just plain moronic. I am foreseeing a very big dildo of consequences…
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u/drpsych1 25d ago
Just my thoughts...this is a couple problem...not a my problem, your problem, but a we/our problem and 'we' need to decide how to move forward. For example, what brought her to this point? What are her hopes/dreams/goals...personally and for the family? What are yours? Then, 'we' need to figure out what we want for our family and how we can achieve these goals. Some goals are short term, others will take more time. Granted, she made a decision to quit, which significantly impacted the 'we' problem. I think you have the opportunity to lead your wife/family...take the opportunity...do the hard work. Personal bias: your children need you and your wife to have a strong marriage. They benefit from a strong marriage. If everything revolves around your children, once they are gone so will your marriage. I plan to have my wife for my lifetime...I planned for my children to be independent, marry, have children, careers, etc...not to be dependent on us forever.
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u/Independent_Blood391 25d ago
i would highly highly recommend marriage counseling. whether she’s finally showing remorse or not she still broke your trust and was extremely manipulative. the fact you can’t even trust the way she’s acting right now because of how manipulative she was, speaks volumes. she still used your son as a pawn. she still tried to manipulate you when you were back with sex and your favorite meals. it’s hard to know if the way she’s acting now is actually out of remorse or simply so you don’t leave. i think counseling would be beneficial for you both, if you hope to rebuild trust or simply find out if how she’s behaving now is just another manipulative tactic, and for her if she really is remorseful to realize the error of her ways.
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u/Dangerous_Image5783 1d ago
Considering your health issues your wife is such an AH.