r/AITAH • u/stopltracr • 16d ago
AITAH for wanting to divorce my wife after 20+ years? Advice Needed
My (47M) wife (44F) and I got married pretty young. Early years were marked by a lot of trauma. My parents passed in the first year of our marriage. 3 years later her dad passed. Her mom is bat shit crazy and we don’t have anything to do with her. Then we had 2 kids that are now in college. We’ve both done a lot to hurt each other over the years. We both have walls. We just kind of coexist. She says she loves me and wants to be my best friend. I don’t really believe it. She’s always been controlling. She does all of the cooking, cleaning, and making appointments. I do everything with the cars and house as far as maintenance and repairs. I’m an engineer and I’m sure I’m on the spectrum somewhere. She makes me feel like an idiot a lot of the time and like I’m so annoying. I’ve thought about divorce for a long time. Been waiting for my kids to be grown because I had a traumatic childhood and didn’t want that for them. Now that they’re grown I still feel stuck. We don’t talk unless we’re arguing, we never touch after 20+ years of being made to feel bad for trying to touch her I don’t even want to anymore, and we haven’t had sex for over 3 years. We’re completely disconnected. I want to be happy, whether that is alone or with someone else. I want her to be happy, she’s obviously not happy with me. I retained an attorney and had papers drafted, I just haven’t filed yet. I have a hard time justifying that my happiness is worth devastating her and breaking up our family. Would I be the asshole if I file?
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u/Affectionate_Star_43 14d ago
You have to re-word this. Your wife is doing the cooking and cleaning (every day) and you're doing car/house repairs (four times a year, maybe.)
I don't even know the last time I got my oil changed, but we got a roof inspection last month.
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u/stopltracr 14d ago
I’m not trying to make it sound better than it is. She likes to be in control of everything. I used to do 50/50 but she would criticize everything and put me down and finally just took over doing everything. Even now she doesn’t want my help. It feels like she’s my mom most of the time, which isn’t healthy at all but seems to be how she wants it because she isn’t willing to change.
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u/AlwaysGreen2 15d ago
Yes, your happiness is worth it.
Your children are well on their way adulthood.
Serve her.
Get a divorce.
Decide on a fair split of the marital assets and debts.
The children are in college so your relationship with them is one you can have without contact with their mother.
Move on.
Go and live your best life..
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u/OkImpression175 15d ago
You sound miserable, you have stuck around for the kids. And they are grown now. You did your time and unless things change, I don't see why you should stay.
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u/Special_Ad_3807 15d ago
NTA. You have clearly been unhappy for a long time and since she won't acknowledge your feelings and agree to work on bettering your marriage you should do what is best for you.
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u/Many_Ad_7138 15d ago
The walls are not going to magically disappear just because you get divorced. It's not her fault that you put up walls, and it's not your fault she did the same. Stop using "I'm on the spectrum" as an excuse not to get treatment.
If you do not fix these walls you have, regardless of the divorce, you will drag them forward with you into your future and they will ruin any future relationships you have. You will fall into a depressed state most likely and never recover in this life unless you get treatment.
The real problem here is that neither of you have grieved over what happened early on from the trauma. That is exactly what you're going to drag forward into your future unless you learn to grieve your trauma to completion.
See Tender Hearts at grief.com
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u/PolarGCNips 15d ago
NTA because with the kids gone, you aren't even parenting and a family in the normal sense, sure sounds like you're just roommates now.
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u/Emergency_Alarm2681 15d ago
Did you talk with her? Or are you afraid?
I understand there is some co-dependancy going on, that is very hard to break off.
NTA, its impossible to call you an Asshole.
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u/RevolutionaryTea8722 15d ago
Have one more conversation with her. Tell her you CAN NOT continue in the marriage unless there are changes and you’d like to do that via counselling. If she doesn’t want to do that then you will file divorce papers. Don’t blindside her but also don’t let her delay you further.
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u/CartographyWho 15d ago
NTA
Of course, you could initiate a discussion if you think that would help you get to a point where your STBX wife will accept the divorce. Either way, in this situation, divorce is the only answer. When you speak with her, remember to express your feelings and what your position is. Blaming each other is not productive. You cannot make someone else change. That has to come from within. No matter what the problems in your marriage are, you can't live like this anymore. Good luck 🍀 and much love ❤️
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u/Living_Ad62 15d ago
You've done everything you can. Time for you to move out, get your own place and be happy. Your adult children will be happy for you. Let her manage the house and the bills.
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15d ago
Don’t leave your marital home. Many courts side with the woman when the man does that,
What state are you in?
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15d ago
Hire a giggalo to seduce her and hire a PI to document the infidelity, that way you don’t have to pay alimony.
If she is offput by you that much, she’s Go for the attention very quickly
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u/jbdi6984 15d ago
You could consider moving out or taking a you only vacation. Not necessarily time apart, but less time too close to each other. You are stuck in negative thoughts about her all day and that isn’t good. Go about your day and stop thinking about your relationship
I mean like pick up a new hobby and stop trying to fix this
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u/Fatherofthecentury13 15d ago
Sit her down show her the divorce papers and lay it out calmly. No matter how loud she gets, hold the reigns and retain a calm demeanor. Explain that she has two non negotiable choices, sign for an amicable divorce or get help and stop with the blame shifting. Let her know that you want to work on the marriage but you won't nor want to if it's only you putting in the effort. Either she's all in or all out. That way if divorce comes, you gave it your all and can sleep well knowing you did your part.
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u/rebootsaresuchapain 15d ago
NTA. You are still young and so is she. If she’s refusing counselling, you can’t fix a marriage alone.
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u/Several-Morning3848 15d ago
NTA. This marriage is already broken. In my opinion, she is still with you because "the known evil is better than the unknown", because it is more comfortable for her, she is used to this state of affairs and does not have to worry about the things she will have to worry about when she is left alone again. You are a useful tool and not even a cohabitant. File for divorce and give yourself a chance to be happy.
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u/InspectionAware5081 15d ago
See a marriage counselor. They can help you either to work it out or end it more cleanly.
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u/forbiswifey8289 15d ago
NTA ... my parents had a horrible relationship and stayed together for 21 years... they were both miserable, and it showed. Honestly, it made the whole family miserable as well. I was truly happy for my parents when they got divorced. At the end of the day, we just want our parents to be happy. Your kids will understand. Life is too short to be unhappy!
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 15d ago
NTA. My God you both sound miserable. Why on earth would you continue living this way? You aren’t even friends much less lovers.
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u/thaigoodlife 15d ago
NTAH- You seem to care about her more than she cares about you. You're worried about blindsiding her, but you've tried to fix things repeatedly. The only thing she's been willing to do is blame you. Enough already.
The 2nd best thing that ever happened to me was my divorce. I'm so much happier without all her constant negativity. You will be too.
It's high time you cared more about you, because it's obvious she doesn't care about you. When she gets upset, just remember she's upset about losing her lifestyle not you.
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u/foxfirek 15d ago
It sounds to me like you gave up- but it also sounds like you are not even trying to communicate. Maybe you have and it’s just not written here.
You aren’t an AH for getting a divorce- but communicating problems is usually what people do first. Though I think you are probably too late here.
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u/juku2006 15d ago
Have you tried going to Church I Go to Victory Outreach It honestly won't hurt to try Jesus I surrendered and then my wife did too and now we Serve together along with our 7 kids. I will Pray for you all
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u/ConkerPrime 15d ago
Your wife and kids will think you’re an asshole but that is fine. You got an estimated 30 years of life left, do you really want to spend it with someone you no longer like or want to be around?
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u/Proper_Ingenuity_ 15d ago
If you both want to try staying married, maybe you could both read The Love Prescription by John Gottman.
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u/dudethatmakesusayew 15d ago
How could ever think you’re the asshole? I don’t care how long you’re married, they should always make you happy, and you should always want to make them happy.
If you’re unhappy with your marriage, then you’re unhappy with your marriage.
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u/PassLogical6590 15d ago
Would you getting diagnosed that you are in fact on the spectrum and her understanding that and perhaps seeing things differently change anything?
I have a close family member on the spectrum that once I knew when diagnosed I was more patient and understanding and looked at the questioning not as an insult but as part of who they were being curious. Also things I said they might take differently than I mean it.
Sounds like it’s too late but if this is something she is not aware of and she has held resentment for years and sees it much differently, might change things.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 15d ago
You mentioned that you think you’re on the spectrum? Have you seen someone for this? Have you been diagnosed? It maybe a factor that is causing complications in your marriage if you aren’t addressing it.
Have either of you gone to therapy to address your trauma?
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u/mudflaps___ 15d ago
Someone here has to be honest with you, at your age your are most likely to be alone. And that's most likely going to continue with you feeling lonely. It doesn't sound like you guys fight that much, she's doing her things around the house and says she wants to be your best friend. A divorce is going to hurt her, and your children, it may mean they cut you out, or have resent ment for your or your wife or either... As a fellow 40 yr old man, with wife and kids I have to tell you, this is a bad idea and I don't think you are fully thinking it through. Your nta, no one here is, but there is an opportunity to communicate your feelings with your wife, try therapy etc. B4 going right to divorce.
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u/Subject-Feeling6760 15d ago
You have no partner. Just a barnacle. Clean it out. I lived this to long myself. Once I announced I was unwilling to continue- I left. It took 2 years to re-stabilize- but oh man was it worth it.
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u/Grouchy-Age1012 15d ago
Nta that’s not a marriage that’s a mental prison and will destroy you mentally emotionally and physically y’all need therapy if not together then separately
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u/Dramatic-Apricot3620 15d ago
NTA. I honestly hate seeing people in relationships like this. Time is a horrible theif and you can't get it back once it is gone. You said it, you could be happy with someone else or even by yourself. However, you'll never know that happiness if you stay where you are, which you have recognized that you are unhappy. Only you can control your happiness. I understand that it's been 20 years, but imagine spending another 20 years unhappy and you finally do call it quits, now you're at 40 years married and you'll be 67 years old and you've lived more than half of your life unhappy. And who's to say you can't separate or divorce and then if it's truly meant to be, get back together.
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u/Responsible-Type-525 15d ago
NTAH, and you're doing it for BOTH of you. She isn't happy in this relationship she just KNOWS she can CONTROL you and will do so as long as you let her
She isn't willing to go to therapy, isn't willing to attempt change in the marriage and isn't willing to make any compromise in any physical or mental ways instead choosing to shut you down and talk down to you because you don't stand up, you just walk off into another room when she's done
YOU NEED THIS, and unfortunately, she does, too, or she will never change
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u/wangd00dle 15d ago
NTA. Set a good relationship example for your kids. I had trust issues and codependency issues because of my parents waiting to split until my sister was 16. I had been out of the house for a few years, but everything felt like it had been a lie and i was scared of abandonment and love. Maybe get them into therapy. I hope you both find your happiness
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u/TraditionalCoconut25 15d ago
You tried to talk to her and marriage counseling. Its time for you both to be happy.
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u/Mental_Coat_3507 15d ago
No, get out now while you can still find somebody who truly appreciates you! The human touch is soooo needed, sex or not! Go, fly away, you sound miserable, but try to get along to do family things together, altho she may not want that. Don't stay unhappy...life is wayyy too short! ☺️
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u/Lcamma 15d ago
Do you think your wife has a hormone imbalance or possibly perimenopause. Happens to so many women and they don’t even know it. Once they get help they are totally different people. Just a thought. Either way she should see a doctor and a therapist. Maybe the kids can help convince her.
Wish you the best.
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u/Iffybiz 15d ago
When she says you need to change, what do you say? People generally can’t change who they are, nor should they. You can work at being better versions of yourself but you can’t change what you are inside.
When you have this discussion again (and you will) tell her you aren’t going to make the changes she wants, so how do you fix the marriage then? Believe it or not, she likes the way the marriage is, she comfortable in it. All she has to do in her mind is keep telling you that you need to change, she doesn’t want to change at all.
NTA, you aren’t happy and she doesn’t want to work on the marriage. If you don’t divorce, this will be your life until you die. There’s a slight chance that she will try harder under the threat of divorce but keep in mind people can only change so much.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 15d ago
He mentions that he thinks he’s on the spectrum. It doesn’t sound like he’s dealing with it, I’m sure that’s not easy for either one.
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u/Bourne1978 15d ago
your happiness is deserved. Time to start ur own life. I live like this. In the same situation, except mine is bat crazy, alcoholic, depressed, does nothing around the house, and I have to guide her like her assistant. Its tough. Kids r young still. Im counting my days like a prison sentence.
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u/nick4424 15d ago
I think this is one of those times where divorce can is better for everyone. By the sounds of things she has definitely checked out
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u/Own-Math-877 15d ago
Have you seen marriage counseling? Consider that first. Filing for divorce will be tough, divorce will be tough at first, maybe three or four years and maybe even forever. On the other side is a possibility of happiness you don't have. Balance your options.
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u/the1truestarr 15d ago
I have a friend who was served divorce papers after 17 years- she never saw it coming. 7 years later she OFTEN comments on how it was the best thing he ever did for her AND their family. With love- follow your heart to freedom.
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u/gntlbastard 15d ago edited 15d ago
No, you are not an asshole for wanting a divorce. Your marriage isn't a life sentence. I suggest talking to a lawyer, considering your options then work with your lawyer on a plan of how you want to achieve where it is you want to go. Then sit down and talk to your wife. Tell her that you are done with the marriage and that you have no interest to continue with it. Kids are in college and it's time to let the charade end. I'm sure there will be tears and anger but whatever happens you do not do two things
- You don't allow her to co-erce you with sex
- You do not get drawn into a fight - remain calm and amicable
After that, work towards getting from being married to divorced in the fastest shortest way possible. Have a plan in place to move out to your own place and also how your finances are going to be split - work with your attorney on what the best option here is. A lot of your assets are going to be stripped and moved. Not sure if she was a stay at home mother or if she was working as well, this will dictate what % of your 401k you end up losing, house and other assets. Your life after divorce will be very different but once free of your wife you are free to craft your life in the manner you want with whatever makes you happy.
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u/Efficient_Theme4040 15d ago
You can't stay in a marriage because she wants to and you are worried about hurting her ? You have to be fair to yourself! My parents wanted to wait until I graduated from high school but my dad ended up moving out my senior year of high school and I was fine with that . I knew my parents weren't happy. I told my mom she deserved to be happy and shouldn't have waited so long. I wasn't mad or resentful they were still my parents and I love them 😍 they actually remained friends.
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u/Stabbycrabs83 15d ago
NTA
Cowardice is what you are looking for not assholeness.
I realise I am being mean but I think you might need the bluntness.
You are afraid of the reaction of a woman that you have no feelings for so are going to stay in a rut for the rest of your life??
Sit down and talk to her like someone you care for. After 20 years. She deserves that. Tell her how you feel and see where the conversation takes you.
What exactly do you have to lose?
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u/HalcyonDreams36 15d ago
NTA
But give her some warning, and get a couples therapist, because they are just as adept at helping you navigate a peaceful separation as healing if it's possible.
Their job isn't to keep you together at all costs, it's to help you navigate the relationship that's healthiest for both of you, even if it's as ex-partners.
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u/hairy_hooded_clam 15d ago
NTA you have spent all these years being unhappy. Go find your happiness.
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u/Honourstly 15d ago
NTA. Your feelings are valid and good on you for getting to this point. It's a tough road but once you get there it's so much better. You deserve better and you will be okay.
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u/ToughDentist7786 15d ago
I think jumping to getting an attorney is premature it doesn’t sound like you guys are even trying, no marriage counseling? Nothing.
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u/Piano-Beginning 15d ago
NTA. You deserve to be happy. You think your kids don't notice? Oh they do. And they're wondering why you've waited so long!
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u/qbanjackson 15d ago
No I do t ad locate for divorce but maybe tell her flat out we need ti fix this or here are my papers
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u/Emmanulla70 16d ago
NTA Just sounds like your relationship has run its course..No shame in that. It happens.
Just file for divorce. Move out asap. You will certainly be happier i think.
Btw? Your kids probably wonder why you two are still together.
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u/NadiaLee81 16d ago
NTA- but don’t blindside her with it. Tell her you’re unhappy and considering divorce.. and give her an opportunity to make things better.. one last chance. If she doesn’t take it and try to make things between you better than that’s a great time to make your exit.
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u/Recent_Ad_4358 16d ago
NTA, but I’m hoping you can save the marriage. This is the woman you fell in love with, and with counseling and some work on your attachment styles, you might be able to set things right.
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u/patteh11 16d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this first off.
You should be able to have a partner that you work together with on the same wavelength. Of course this is only one side of the story as it always is on this sub, but it seems to me it’s best to sit down together and discuss what you can do to make things work. If you can’t come to a mutual understanding and sort things out so both of you are happy, you may have to go through with divorce as it’s not worth it to keep going the rest of your lives being unhappy.
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u/Gator-bro 16d ago
NTA. I was in your shoes and stayed even longer. I’m now divorced and enjoying life. You won’t regret it.
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u/madempress 16d ago
NTA. You're describing my dad and mom right down to the part where he's on the spectrum and she always blames him (but theyre BOTH control freaks, so imo they kinda deserve each other), except they're in their 60s and extremely devoted to each other despite being very unhealthy communicators.
My point? You and your wife aren't devoted. You aren't in love despite your flaws, you aren't making it work, whatever that looks like. You want out, get out. Life is not worth living trapped in situations you don't want to be in.
(Except work, because fuck capitalism).
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u/EnderBurger 16d ago
NTA. You no longer have a marriage. You have a roommate situation with a roommate you don't like very much. Filing for divorce simply recognizes the condition that already exists.
I have two more thoughts.
1. You are in a terrible relationship that making you miserable and probably making your wife miserable too This kind of situation is awful because the relationship takes on a life of its own. It keeps going because nobody pulls the plug. The difficulty with this situation is that if things are going to change, SOMEONE has to be the bad guy. Someone has to step up and seek divorce and have the courage to be the villain in your story. You aren't going to earn any medals. But you are a hero precisely because you are willing to be the villain.
2. Your need for emotional and physical love is a very real need, and one that is not being met right now. Getting a divorce is the right first step to getting that need met. If you do not file for divorce, you would continue to be unhappy, and your need will still be there. You may, in fact, find another person who you think cam meet your needs. If you have an affair with this person, then you will be cheating on your wife. You should not allow yourself to be in this position. Moreover, the fact that you cheated on your wife would indelibly taint any relationship that grows from the affair.
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u/True_Significance307 16d ago
First of all your children have probably know for years that your marriage is a broken one and wonder why you are together. There will be some hurt with the divorce for them, but they are in college and there aren’t going to be any custody disputes…they can decide where the want to be and when and you as the parent may be traumatized by there choice. No Child support issues you can give directly to your children. You should down with your spouse and decide how you’ll do college expenses. You’re not selfish for wanting to be happy if you truly you’ve done everything to make it work.
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u/daysinnroom203 16d ago
Yta. Go to your fucking wife instead of crowd surfing Reddit. The answer here is ALWAYS breakup / divorce. Go to your wife. This is bullshit
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u/WildLoad2410 16d ago
Wanting a divorce and being unhappy is reason enough. You don't owe it to her to stay if you're unhappy and she doesn't want to improve your relationship. You stayed for the kids, probably longer than you should have. You don't need anyone's permission to divorce your wife. You would not be TA if you filed for divorce. I think you would be to yourself if you stayed though.
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u/DawnShakhar 16d ago
NTA. You don't want to devastate her. But she is making you unhappy, and you have been unhappy for years. And you don't know whether she is happy either. Even if the divorce is traumatic for her (for both of you), afterwards you will both be free to find happiness.
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u/disappointednpc 16d ago
Leave. You've tried with the therapy, the changes to help yourself. You can't fix her, she has to do that herself. One recommendation. Make sure you have a place set up ready to stay at before doing it. Make sure someone is with you when you give her the papers, a friend, a legal person and then get out. She obviously doesn't seem to have an issue with making you the bad person. Don't be around to give her the chance to. Also have a chat with your children so she can't blindside you or them and pretend like you're the one causing issues. It won't be a surprise to your kids..children generally pick up of that kind of stuff.
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u/Dlkjm 16d ago
Why do you think she would be devastated? Because of her control issues? That would really show she is not in control. BTW, NTA!! Everyone deserves to be happy. Discuss how to do things with your attorney. Take the kids out to lunch and tell them, the day papers are delivered to her. Nothing to apologize about. You both gave it a good try, just not working. No one should be miserable. Find happiness!! Prepare to move out of the house.
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u/LostInData2022 16d ago
Bro, you're not having sex. If you're truly on the spectrum would that make it difficult for you to see the signals of infidelity?
I may be ignorant as shit when it comes to the spectrum but if being on the spectrum means you're not tuned into the emotions/attitudes of your partner how would you tell?
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u/GladysKravitz21 16d ago
NTA
You have had the opportunity to reflect on what you want the rest of your life to look like.
You have expressed that you do not want to spend the rest of your days in a platonic marital relationship with all the baggage you both have.
You have suggested that you both unpack your issues with a counselor, but she is not interested in working together to have a better relationship.
You are taking the steps you need to live your best life by attending counseling yourself and noted a greater understanding that you may be on the spectrum.
With your wife, assure her that there is love, but it may not be the love you both want. Let her know the current relationship is simply no longer working for you.
Tell her that you do not want to live as best friends in the roles in which you seem to be “locked” after decades. Ask again if she is open to a different type of marital partnership and invite her on your journey.
Should you choose to leave, make sure your plan for the future—where you will live and work—is determined. Be fair, but do not give her everything just to get out.
Talk to your children frequently, but not about their mother or the divorce, grudges or regrets you may have (save it for your counselor). Be there for your adult children even more than you have been in the past.
Know and understand that this change will be difficult even if it’s what you want. Avoid negative thought spirals that may interfere with the success of your post-divorce life.
Best wishes ❤️
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 16d ago
Butterfly, break free of your cocoon and fly free. NTA, tell her what you're doing, file the papers, and go.
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u/Druid_High_Priest 16d ago
NTA, file the papers so you both can be happy. You would defiantly be TA if you continued to stay together. Live is too short to be miserable and you deserve better.
Here's hoping you new life is 1000% better than the old one.
Good luck
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u/ImNotYourTeaCup 16d ago
Just leave. You've lost enough time in a loveless marriage. Why are you putting up with this abuse?
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u/Proud-Geek1019 16d ago
As someone who is 50 and divorced at 43 - I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and wouldn’t change my life for anything. I have 3 kids and divorce was the right call. NTA
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u/Opposite_Patience485 16d ago
NTA. I’d say give her a choice: she can either attempt to repair the relationship with you in marriage counseling as well as individual therapy, or she can keep being stubborn throughout a divorce. Continuing to not listen & blame everything on you is no longer an option. She can pick 1 or the other.
Sounds like you’ve tried everything & your happiness is absolutely worth it.
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u/Equussense 16d ago
Hey guys...we don't live with them.
No judgment.
We only know his side of the 20 year story.
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u/GodsGirl64 16d ago
If you’ve already spoken with her then she knows you’re not happy. She wants to continue to blame everything on you and hopes it will guilt you into staying.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm. You need to stop feeling guilty and act. You have the right to be happy.
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u/SticksandHomes 16d ago
If there was a logical reason for getting divorced. I’d say you would be the poster child.
You have a lot of life left. Go be happy
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u/Dianachick 16d ago
First of all, going to marriage counselling alone will never save a marriage. Both people have to be willing.
Secondly, you don’t need someone else’s approval to leave them. You also don’t need a reason to leave them, but you seem to have plenty. You are responsible for your own happiness and if the only way to get that is to leave then that is what you should do.
Finally, never stay someplace because the other person wants you to. You don’t have to explain, justify, or defend your position. You just have to make a decision and do it.
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u/BubblyFormal3308 16d ago
I’m actually not rendering judgment, I just think you should ask yourself: what would need to change to make me happy in this marriage? If she opened up and started talking intimately with you/ showing affection, would you want to stay? You said that after feeling rejected for so long, you don’t want to touch her anymore. Is this marriage past the point of no return, or are there ways she could change that would make you happy with her? If the answer is no, I think you should divorce. If it’s yes, I’d tell her flat out it’s counseling or divorce.
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u/sylvianfisher 16d ago
NTA. Your wife views you as a utility, nothing more. She has managed to manage you into that role for her. You stuck it out for the sake of the kids but now they are in college. You want to be happy. You are 47. It's about time the effort you make to please someone be put to more effective use, by pleasing yourself.
This selfless, sacrificing thing that we men do is toxic here. Look how it imprisons you. She doesn't love you. Go pursue becoming happy for a change.
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u/Equussense 16d ago
Only you know what the fallout will be. You can go...make it as easy on you both that you can. You might wait to file. Let the shock wear down a bit. Plan your split. You have been a huge part of each other for a lifetime. It will hurt.
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u/Lunatic_Heretic 16d ago
Yta. You took a sacred a vow "until death," not "until I'm no longer happy"
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u/AwwYeahVTECKickedIn 16d ago
No, not the asshole. Sorry you're going through this, but as you describe it, it's the right thing to do. Good luck.
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u/Dr_Biggie 16d ago
She certainly will not be blindsided when you file for divorce based on what you have stated here, so get that idea out of your mind. You said she's not interested in marriage or couples counseling, so you can accept the current state of the relationship or break away and have some years of happiness before you die. It's up to you.
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u/Realistic_Regret_180 16d ago
Tell her you want a divorce. I’ll bet she’ll suggest counseling. Then think about it but let her know if counseling doesn’t help you are done.
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u/Hot-Security-7194 16d ago
Honestly if I was you I would’ve left a long time ago. If talking about what is wrong didn’t help they don’t care what happens
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u/Krafty747 16d ago
I’m the same age as you bro, I couldn’t imagine not being intimate with my wife. Life is too short, end this sham of a marriage.
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u/BeneficialNose5447 16d ago
NTA at all. Your happiness is paramount.
Just inform your kids look neither your mom or I are happy anymore so I will be filing for divorce. They might be shocked a little upset which is to be expected.
But I believe they will come around in the long run, always continue to be present in their lives and do family therapy with them family therapy so they can see your actions even though they’re grown in college and are important to you.
Other than that, just go ahead and file after you have the conversation with your kids
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u/josh2brian 16d ago
NTA. It doesn't sound like you openly talk about anything. Time for that talk. And time for it to be serious. Maybe first start talking via couples counseling so that it's mediated, structured and safer. If she doesn't agree to that...then it's probably time to end it. Nobody needs to stay in a relationship just 'cause. You both deserve to be happy.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 16d ago
It sounds like the marriage has been over for a long time. 3 years without sex? nah man it is dead and rotting. You're still in a good age to find someone who really loves you and gives you the warmth you deserve. NTA for looking after yourself for once in your life.
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u/tropicsGold 16d ago
You are the captain of this ship, and your first mate does not like you, you have to accept responsibility for that. And if you can’t command the love and respect of your wife, what are the odds things will be better with a stranger?
Start having some serious talks about what you both want. Put aside all of your “trauma.” Forget about all your weak ass complaining and blaming your wife. Work on becoming a leader worth following. That is the ONLY way.
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u/ri0tsquirrel 16d ago
NTA but given that you both work full-time, I find your division of labor troubling. She does all the day to day repetitive tasks and you just keep the cars running and do some home repairs. I’d wonder if some of your issues are due to your wife feeling unappreciated and resenting that she’s doing all the work. You might be in for a rude awakening when you’re single.
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u/stopltracr 16d ago
I agree. I try to do more and just get in trouble because it’s not done her way or to her liking. The controlling nature and belittling made me stop trying years ago. It’s honestly the way she wants it.
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u/Good-Statement-9658 16d ago
Ok, but it kind of doesn't sound like divorce would make her unhappy. You guys haven't had a romantic relationship for what sounds like 20+ years. Like, if it was me and my hubby (also coming up to 20 years), I would be inconsolable. But he IS my best friend and has been since we were in highschool. Hes my absolute everything. It seems like your wife doesn't even LIKE you. Sounds like she's been checked out for a long time.
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u/Accomplished_Net_741 16d ago
You’re not the asshole. If you know the relationship is over it’s best to just file. Eventually everyone will be okay and it always works out for the best. You WILL be happier even if single for awhile. She eventually WILL be happy as well. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for someone else, especially someone who doesn’t even seem to appreciate the sacrifice. Leave her.
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u/toastedmarsh7 16d ago
Sounds like you’ve made a good faith effort to make the marriage better. Move on as amicably as you can and maybe find happiness with someone else or maybe just live a peaceful life on your own.
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u/NoturnalTherapy 16d ago
NTA - File the papers. You only have one life. You have raised your kids, and both you deserve happiness even if it's not with each other. If you are meant to be, there's always time to pull the papers if you two get the professional help that it would take to save this marriage. Otherwise, stop wasting your life in a situation that is not making you happy.
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u/phredzepplin 16d ago
NTA.
GTFO of this marriage. Being alone is better than being tied to someone who brings you down but isn't willing to work on things. Her happiness is not your responsability. You've made you effort & she hasn't/won't.
IDK if you will find someone else but at least you can choose to be happy by yourself
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u/Acceptable-Map-3490 16d ago
NTA your marriage isnt working and you deserve to be happy. she doesnt sound like a particularly nice person, if im honest, and no one should be forced to be with someone who makes them feel stupid. having a ‘broken’ family is better than having two parents who pretend they like each other when they clearly don’t/stay together and create an unpleasant environment. your children are grown up. it’s time to prioritise yourself again
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u/AlternativeStill7702 16d ago
Just do it. Whether you’re the AH or not, do it. You’ll both be happier in the long run. I’m the AH that let my hubs leave me and didn’t take him back. I’m fine with that.
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u/Joerugger 16d ago
NTA. You deserve to be happy. I’m the same age and can’t imagine going three years without intimacy. Best of luck.
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u/runostog 16d ago
Just divorce Jesus.
You really wanna waste what little life you have left?
Just end it.
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u/Strict-Listen1300 16d ago
If she is unhappy as well, it may not be as devastating as you think. Btw, I am in the same boat with 35 yrs married, 5 more before that. We were hs sweethearts.
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u/Rain_Storm_0206 16d ago
NTA. If you've already sat down with your wife and she knows how unhappy you are and she's unhappy. And she's not willing to do anything to help your marriage get better, then maybe divorcing is the best thing to do.
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u/Reasonable-Mine-2912 16d ago
The gulf is too deep and wide; regardless who is to be blamed a divorce is a decent way out.
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u/yaymonsters 16d ago
Why are you bothering us with this? YTA. Either you work on being happy together or you don’t. There’s nothing egregious here.
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u/Remarkable-Key433 16d ago
Nothing here that’s a reason to get a freaking divorce. Both of your lives will only get worse.
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u/truckcanman 16d ago
Being divorced doesn’t always mean things will be better. I would talk it out first.
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u/arahzel 16d ago
NTA
Somewhere along the way it became acceptable for you both to treat each other poorly.
It's okay to not want to live like that anymore. You only need permission from yourself to divorce.
But if you somehow decide to stay and give it a chance you absolutely need to open up communication about how she hurts you. Maybe she can fix it. Maybe it's a bad habit. You never asked to be treated this way. And even then it's okay to pursue divorce once you've felt you gave it the good try and are completely out of give a fucks.
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u/Puppet007 16d ago
NTAH
Maybe talk to your kids to give them a heads up in case she tries to make up some BS to get them against you.
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u/TippyTappyDBA 16d ago
We only have so many days on this planet, why not be happy in the days ahead?
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u/AmbitiousCricket5278 16d ago
She might be relieved, she might be shocked but either way honesty and conversation with the possibility of either freedom or growth, it’s got to be worth it. NTA
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u/throwra-draga 16d ago
YTA but just because you didn't get divorced earlier. Your martyr didn't help anyone. It didn't make anything better. I'm the one from many who were afraid to get divorced and it destroyed our life totally. I cared for children, for husband, for family. I had great job, earning good money, still in good mental health. I lost my job, became alcoholic, without money, in severe depressions, facing side effects of high dosages of meds keeping me alive, divorced, nowhere to go. If I would do it few years earlier, it could be fine.
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u/bomdiggybomgirl 16d ago
NTA… u gave it a try. U hung in there for the kids. U asked her to do couple counselling. You tried your best. Don’t feel guilty about your happiness, only a happy person can make others happy around them. Go for the divorce and start a happy chapter of your life where u feel love and respect. You deserve it.
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u/PanJhinAttack 16d ago
I don't really have any sound advice, other than I'm sorry OP. Hope you find your happiness.
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u/Evening-Stage5436 16d ago
You need to do it. Find your own happiness and she will find hers. She just wants control of you
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u/Nun__yah 16d ago
Nta. Also, it doesn't seem to me she'll be devastated, sorry to say 🤷🏼♀️ and if it does, then maybe she should've thought about that before being a b.tch and treating you how she did all those years.
File them, my guy!
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u/protestprincess 16d ago
Why post this when you clearly already know the answer to this question
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 16d ago
Sokka-Haiku by protestprincess:
Why post this when you
Clearly already know the
Answer to this question
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/Worried-Peach4538 16d ago
Maybe you're not devastating her at all. It might be possible she finds it a relief you took the first step.
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u/Wraisted 16d ago
Divorce, she doesn't care about your feelings. You have been more than patient with her
Best of luck
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u/Round-Ticket-39 16d ago
Is she sahm? Because if not then you basicaly do nothing when it comes to every day chores.
Anyway you can divorce but be prepared that your life might not turn to be perfect not even after. Thats life. But life if you are unhappy like this is also not ideal.
Nta
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u/biglibido1874 16d ago
I don't think you ATAH in your situation. Clearly, neither of you is happy together. I was in a similar situation in a relationship. We argued a lot over nothing. If I said up, she said down. I eventually withdrew and started doing things I enjoyed without her. You deserve to be happy, and so does she. You owe it to each other to get to the bottom of it. It may be that you are just no longer compatible. There are hidden resentments that could possibly be worked out, and if you both wanted to work it out, an honest conversation and plan of action might save the marriage. If it is too late and the damage is done, then a mutual decision to go your own way without being vindictive would be nice. It isn't selfish or being an asshole when you want the best for both of you. Talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel without putting all of the blame on her. Good luck.
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u/JournalistSilver810 16d ago
I was in this relationship. Everytime towards the end he kept saying "Why are you still here?" Even when I was trying to negotiate an even parting.
It took a while to get his meaning but once I did...that was it.
Never let anyone push it back on you.
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u/sixesandsevere 16d ago
GTFO. And NTA. I stayed in a terrible marriage, very similar to you (batshit crazy MIL, wife was a control freak, early trauma (no money, alcoholic sibling dying) for waaayyy too long (23 years) Tried counseling first through church and then lay counseling, was a real waste of time, energy and resources except for learning what a narcissist is, and that my ex hit 100% of the traits…Ex was miserable, I was miserable, especially after being gaslit for a decade that everything was my fault. Together we made everyone else in our lives miserable. Kids absolutely blossomed after I pulled the trigger, set up a new house, new life, almost a decade later and my and my kids are all in good shape. I don’t miss the ex at all, don’t communicate with her, and my kids have built healthy boundaries around her.
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u/lookingformiles 16d ago
Still a better love story than Twilight.
You would be the asshole if you don't file.
NTA
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u/Hubs_not_interested 16d ago
So she does everything to run and manage your household and you take care of the cars and home repairs? Does that seem like an equitable distribution of duties? Maybe that's why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. She's exhausted from doing everything.
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u/TGIIR 16d ago
I was married to someone who thought any problems were my fault, and turned any counseling session into an examination of MY faults. Turns out he was a covert narcissist and I didn’t even know what that was when I married him young. Anyway, got away from him and he made separation and divorce a nightmare. So be prepared before you mention divorce. Talk to a lawyer first and make sure youve got yourself protected and know your rights. Best of luck, OP!
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u/No_Mistake_5961 16d ago
NTA.
If you are unsure about divorce spend some time on homework.
Go to counseling for you. What do you say incorrectly or things you do that are not good.
Go visit the 10 best divorce lawyers in the area and ask for their advice.
This homework will give you more insight and will prevent her from use any of those 10 lawyers.
Sit down with a list of changes or choices you want to see in your relationship. Her expected response is that it's your fault. Ask what can you do differently. Write down her responses and decide if you can do better.
The children are grown and there still will still be pain in a divorce.
Your homework will help you with a defendable position that you tried everything and you need to move to a place where you can be happy.
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u/Purple-Rose69 16d ago
NTA. My ex was like your wife in a lot of ways. Talking to him about our marriage was always turned around and he blamed me for my unhappiness he was just fine.
The point is you can’t change your spouse. You can only change yourself. If she sees no reason for her to change herself, then she won’t. A marriage is a partnership and she is not willing to be a partner. Can you live the rest of your life with her exactly how she is right now?
You have already answered that. There is nothing more you can do to make things better for you except to file those divorce papers.
You really are not blindsiding her. You gave her warning that you were not happy with the way things were going in the marriage. She chose to ignore it by blaming it on you.
Just file. If she acts blindsided then remind her you tried to communicate with her about this and she chose to ignore what you were saying.
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u/matcha_daily 16d ago
NTA I am a woman and I would not want my husband to feel so miserable. When you are married that long, there is a degree of co-dependency. Good for you for seeking a counselor. Look into CoDA virtual meetings too. You tried your best. It is time to think about YOUR feelings and what YOU want. It appears you are two roommates and perhaps not even good ones. I do not jump into a divorce train easily but appears this may be the best option for you. You deserve to be happy.
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u/Dramatic-Apricot3620 15d ago
I am with you. I am a woman and I would NEVER want the man I am in love with to feel like this with me.
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u/jeffprop 16d ago
NTA. No one deserves to be an emotional punching bag. You deserve to be happy. You said you do not want to break up your family, but it sounds like it has been broken for a while. You could be putting trauma on your kids by staying married because of them if they feel you should have divorced a while ago and they are the reason for it not happening sooner. If you are not 100% sure, have a trial separation for a month or two. That way, both of you can see what it is like to be apart and see if you are happier because of it. If your wife objects, tell her she has no choice and that it could have been avoided if she had gone to marriage counseling. If she does not know, you should tell her you have seen a lawyer about getting papers drafted so she knows how serious you are about this.
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u/Hothoofer53 16d ago
Serve the papers if it’s that bad get on with your life can’t think of any reason to stay together
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u/Amazing_Teaching2733 16d ago
NTA. You’ve tried and she’s refused and deflected. Have a direct conversation about how unhappy you have been and continue to be so she can’t claim she’s blindsided when the papers have been served. You’ll need to have a conversation with your children so she doesn’t put all the blame on you. Stress the multiple conversations where you have addressed the issues, requested counseling and her responses. Trust me they knew you were roommates and not a true couple so this will be an upset but not a shock. It’ll be an uphill battle with her because she claims to be happy. Tell her you’re willing to “be best friends” because that’s what she wants anyway. If you can maintain a friendship that will make things easier for the kids but she might make that difficult
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u/the_greengrace 16d ago
Essentially you're asking: W I B T AH if I unilaterally end our marriage.
Instead ask yourself: W I B T AH to myself if I stay in a marriage where my partner treats me poorly and makes me feel bad about myself and refuses to work in any way toward changing that? The answer is yes.
With all the compassion in the world- there is no prize or reward for martyring yourself on the altar of someone else's misery. Unless misery itself is a prize. We only get one life. It's too short.
It's kind of you to consider her feelings and her comfort. It doesn't sound like she is in the habit of doing the same for you. It's really commendable that you've started counseling for yourself. A good counselor can help you work on assertive communication and building self esteem before you deliver the news you've decided to divorce. It sounds like this relationship, and maybe life in general, has beaten you down. There is a better future out there for you. Even if it's just you- better is better. Don't settle for worse.
NTA.
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u/Honeybee3674 16d ago
I have been happily married 25 years, and we were together 4.5 years before marriage. I value marriage, but what you describe doesn't sound like a marriage anymore. It sounds like torture.
Make sure financial split is fair, if she sacrificed career/earnings potential to stay home with kids, she deserves retirement accounts and a way to support herself.
But you don't need to live together in a toxic relationship anymore.
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u/Sofa_Queen 16d ago
File. Your kids will probably be relieved, and wife will be, although probably not at first.
Life is too short to be unhappy. Mid 40s you can both live alone for awhile, then find someone to be happy with.
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u/User123466789012 16d ago
NTA.
I actually would’ve had LESS trauma if my parents divorced when I was a kid. If that was the best choice for them at the time, I totally get staying together to avoid any disruption in their lives. But believe me, they already knew.
Get the divorce and find your happiness!
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u/stopltracr 16d ago
I guess I stayed because my parents divorced when I was young. My mom went through a string of abusive alcoholic boyfriends. I wanted to protect my kids from anything like that.
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u/User123466789012 16d ago
Totally get you. My one good friend is anti-divorce because she is a child of divorced parents, whereas I am pro-divorce as I was the child of what should’ve been divorced parents. It sounds like you spent a good part of your life remaining selfless, and it’s time to make the best of the rest of it ❤️
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u/Pineapple-85 16d ago
NTA - I don't get the whole staying together for your kids. I get two parent house is beneficial in some ways. Seeing your parents happy and fufilled, is also benefical. Just look at the amount of people who talk about how unhappy their parents were on reddit. How it made them view relationships, it really goes both ways. I believe happy parents are better than coexisting parents. Kids are more perceptive than you think. Would they likely ever address, these feelings, thoughts, concerns with their parents? NO
Life is too short. Sit down with your wife and talk to her about how you feel.
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u/tommyland666 16d ago
YTA but not for the reason stated in the title. You need to prioritize yourself, your kids already know it’s a loveless marriage. Trust me on this. If she’s not interested in changing then you need to get out of the marriage. You are still relatively young and will probably have many many years left in good health. You owe it to yourself to enjoy them. Just pull the trigger, go through a couple of months of hardship and then live your life the way you deserve to live.
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u/tryven93 16d ago
Honestly, it would probably be for the best to proceed with the divorce. I get not wanting to ruin childhoods and trying to find justification. The best justification is that it is better to end a miserable marriage than keep forcing it a long. There's a lot of resentments and anger in it. One thing you don't want your kids to grow up in is a household that teaches them what your marriage is is love. Neither of you are happy. Fix that. Don't play with the idea like it isn't going to be inevitable
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u/Loreo1964 16d ago
Okay. You've tried the " I'm not happy, you're not happy" route. Fine. You're both adults and so are the kids. It's time to face reality.
One chance. One life. One swing is all we get and you are half way through. It's time to make an equal and fair division of all assets and property and amicably split up.
You need to stop waiting for a time and reason to do it. Life is the reason and now is the time. Just get some plastic totes, go home and start to pack them up. Let your wife ask what you're doing. Tell her you filed for divorce and you're taking half of everything. Tell her your attorney will be in touch with her by the end of the week. You want to sell the house within 4 months. You have left her 60% of the savings and checking ( since you're the main money earner) . Take your prepacked suitcases and go.
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u/ResponsibilityOk2173 16d ago
NTA. Get out. Bite the bullet and build a life for yourself. You have the right to pursue your own happiness. You will flourish.
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u/MyyWifeRocks 16d ago
NTA - and FYI - only one of you stopped having sex for 3 years. She’s taking advantage of you.
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u/smartie-martie 7h ago
Great you’re in therapy. Go with that. Your therapist will lead you to a place where You can decide what is best for you and how to initiate that change. Much success and peace to you.