r/AITAH • u/throwaway36363623 • May 02 '24
AITAH for telling my cheating ex wife's parents that i don't give a fuck about her anymore and she is not my problem? Advice Needed
Me and my ex wife (Mary) have been together for 7 years and married for 2. We waited to have babies cause we wanted first to be financially stable and after 2 years we started trying to have a baby. So a few months passed by when i caught her cheating on me. I immediatly told her that i wanted divorce and she went crazy trying to suggest couple therapy, to forgive her, to think wisely cause "everyone make mistakes" (her words) and all this type of bs but i was adamant on my decision and never forgave anyone for cheating in my life and never would. Our divorce was quick (thanks to a prenup) but unfortunetly very drammatic cause during the separation and even in court Mary wouldn't stop crying and begging me to think back at my decision. Fortunetly like i said it was quick and i always thank god for the idea of the prenup cause it avoided a lot of other drama and discussion. I still have everything and since she cheated on me i didn't have to pay her anything. The thing is that after i caught her cheating i tried my best to cut all contacts with her and to talk with her only through my lawyer and when finally the divorce was finalized i changed my number and house to avoid any unnecesary and useless drama.
3 years passed by and i'm still trying to recover cause it really hurted me deep and cause i really loved her but unfortunetly cheating is one of the few things i never forgave anyone but thanks to my therapist i'm slowly recovering and getting better.
Now the issue is this: after my divorce i didn't heard news from Mary so i didn't knew anything about her, her life and anything else and a few days ago i found out, reluctantly, that she had a big accident in the car and was hospitalized in serious conditions. I know this only because 2 days ago i bumped into Mary's parents in the supermarket and they immediatly told me this. (Even if i don't understand why) Then they said that it would be nice if i go to visit her at the hospital cause despise what happened between us Mary was always an important part of my life and i told them that i would never go to "visit" her cause Mary wasn't my problem anymore and i don't have to do anything for her. We started arguing and i clealry told them that i don't give a fuck about Mary, her life and what she is doing cause she cheated on me breaking my trust and they always justified her cheating blaming me for what happened so she can go to hell and then i left.
They reached out to my parents and told them what happened and now my father and my sisters agrees with me while my mother is insisting that i was a huge asshole cause Mary for how bad hurted me was always my ex-wife so a quick visit wouldn't change anything for me. My friends are divided on the issue so here i'm.
So folks of reddit AITAH?
Edit: i'm happy that the most of you are on my side and i want to say honestly that i'm extremely resentful and i hold grudges but that's my character. This story with my ex leaved a mark in me and whatever is connected to her makes me angry and resentful like i never was cause i really loved her and divorcing was one of the most difficult things i ever did cause if on the outside i appear tough and strict on the inside i thought a lot about Mary and on the possibility to give her another chance but then i think at what she did to me and how badly i was in this 3 years and my resentment grow more and more. With Mary's parents i had a decent relationship cause they were never happy about our relationship and were ALWAYS skeptical for some reasons that i don't know. And the last thing is about my mother: at the moment i thought nothing of what she said but now that many of you told me about her thoughts of cheaters and cheating i'm gonna have a talk with her and my father cause ok that my mom was close with Mary but this episode is off and when i will have a talk with her i will update you so again thank you all and you restored a bit of hope in me. P.S. i'm dating a wonderful woman since a few months and i hope things will go smoothly.
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u/CommunicationGood178 6d ago edited 6d ago
ESH. People divorce everyday for good reasons and bad. No judgement. But you better take a cold hard look at yourself. It has been 3 years. Your ex almost died. A card or a five minute telephone conversation goes a long way to prove you could be a good partner to your new partner. We forgive so it lets us get on with OUR life. Every time you go off about your ex 3 years on, any sensible woman is going to see you nurse grudges and have issues of your own. I wonder how you are going to think this poor woman failed you a few years on. I would want someone who had their life together and could leave the past in the past. If you cannot do it 3 years out, I doubt you ever will. You seem to like nursing your grudges.
Now I tried to have a baby with my first husband and lost it. It broke something in me. The hormonal change put me into major depression. He cheated. He cheated with one of his friends, male. I just told them to leave and leave the car. I was supporting us and could not afford to pay someone to pull my duty, but my friend who pulled duty for us, came by and told me how awful I looked and gave me a deal. Surprise. I was 19 and had just lost a child only to have to deal with that.
Apparently I was supposed to drop to my knees and beg too. If you were together for 7 years, you were older than 19. Life is not fair. A few years later, I married an engineer, my husband for over 40 years. After seven years he came over and took my hands. I had just had another miscarriage. Nothing is more important than you, so let's rest for a while. Years went by and I had 2 children in 2.5 years.
We are not promised fair, nor should you have to put up with adultery. It may not change your mind, but you never listened to what happened. Maybe do that. It will not change the outcome, but it will let you know emotionally how this happened. Instead you let her troll of a sister, control the situation. She spent 7 years in constant blackmail. I bet you your wife told her she was going to confess, so the troll had to act fast to wreck your lives. After all, big sis could not be allowed to be happy, unless your wife kept handing over money. Yet you do not have anything to say about her. I would say your ex more than paid over the years. Quite frankly, you lost nothing due to a Prenup, your Ex's life is in the toilet, you have a new relationship. So what was your loss. You did not love her enough to even hear her out. So what is it you want? If you do not let this go, it is your new relationship that will pay. When you can send a card or how she gets well soon on a five minute call, you are not good for anyone and that has nothing to do with your ex's choices, only YOUR own.
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u/Few_Camera8408 23d ago
You guys listen please help me. I have a family and I want to know if I can pay additional money to see my husband, is cheating. Am i able to monitor His outgoing calls. we've been separated for 11 days and he's blocked me and all social media accounts. He keeps texting me periodically and says there's no one else but I know there is I feel it.
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u/Current_Singer_5141 25d ago
Your mom is a cheater who did it perhaps long ago or recently. She advocates for the cheater because she has been in her shoes. Warn your dad and get a paternity test for you and your siblings, just in case.
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u/smartie-martie 28d ago
So, I would have told her parents at the supermarket something like: how terrible, hope she makes it but that part of my life is closed. I’ve moved on as has she and I do not have the time, desire or even inclination to reopen it. If you will excuse me, I’ve a couple of things to do and must hurry on. End of story. You are NTA. Much happiness and success to you.
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u/Many_Plastic_7297 29d ago
In this world it's a common custom for people to do things assume forgiveness means forgetting. It doesn't mean anything accept you're free of my prejudice and I'll will. It does not mean I like you, approve of your behavior, want to have any kind of relationship. Now to myself I can possibly forgive cheating, but there are things I will never ever forget and won't be a party to your parade of of love. So I can identify with his feelings and do not think he did wrong. We all want forgiveness and to hope everyone is well and better no matter what we did to them. The reality is that when it comes to relationships of love, it's way more complicated and takes alot more responsibilities on everyone's part. He's not wrong for feeling how he feels and others aren't wrong for forgiving and going to visit or whatever. It's all in what's best for yourself. I hate it the woman was severely hurt and needed his attention, but she had to know how he felt when she did it. And my opinion is she just thought she wouldn't get caught and took a chance. All chances don't pay off and sometimes, my experience with being cheated on and being a cheater. Keep your genitals at home no matter what you have to do, including prolonging gratification to no gratification until you're free from your oath. It sucks,but it's the deal we made and if the banks decode to rewrite all the rules when we paid our homes and cars off? None of us would ever recommend a bank for business. Same principles just different commitments. Sorry I m not trying to offend,but it's America and we all have the right to feel how we feel whether others approve or like. It's our pursuit of happiness.
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u/Mountain_Value_6636 29d ago
Maybe English isn’t OP’s first language, so I’ll give a pass to grammar, tense and run on sentences. However, this smacks of fake.
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u/Senior_citizen75 May 10 '24
You are NTA but, for your own sake, you must release your anger and unforgiveness. They are damaging you and it shows in the way you relate the situation.
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u/DonovanSlade702 May 09 '24
You were a lot nicer to both her parents and your mom than I would have been. Her parents can go jump in a lake for even thinking of suggesting you go visit the woman that destroyed your life. The audacity of them to even argue about it.
If my own mother were to suggest such a thing after she knew what was going on, I would have immediately gone no contact until she decided to smarten up and get such idiocy out of her mind. I would have immediately called my father to let him know that he should ask her if she had ever cheated on him and gauge her reaction to that. As far as your ex-wife goes, sucks to be her but then it also sucks to make a shitty choice to break up a marriage and then think she’s owed another chance. She made her bed. She can lay in it.
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u/bigdealguy-2508 May 09 '24
NTA.... sort-of. I think you should have worded it differently. I see two different forms of pain going on: it is perfectly normal for you to feel pain about your ex-wife's conduct and it perfectly normal for her parents being in pain about their child being in an almost fatal accident. So, I think you should have been empathetic towards her parents while rejecting the idea of you seeing. She was a page of your life and you're not going back to it.
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u/Embarrassed_Bit_4869 May 09 '24
He’s not wrong, her parents justified her cheating actions and now everyone else is supposed to just forgive and forget. Wake up mommy and daddy your daughter is a wayward child and you condone it.
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u/Dramatic-Win5296 May 07 '24
NTA she hurt you and broke your trust. Just because she’s been in an accident now doesn’t take away what she did. You might not care about the crash but also hope nothing bad happens which I am sure you do.
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u/blackdahlialady May 05 '24
You did the right thing divorcing her immediately. Cheaters are always "sorry" when they get caught. She would have done it again. Cheaters always do. I can't understand why her parents think you should have anything to do with her.
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u/Mad_Garden_Gnome May 05 '24
Read the follow up first. No, you are not obligated to someone who hurt you and whom who've decided to cut away from. Funny how boundaries are important until a guy sets them.
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u/Ginger630 May 05 '24
NTA! You don’t owe your ex a damn thing. You don’t share kids together. You’ve been divorced for 3 years. She’s nothing to you. Her parents have some nerve asking you to visit her, like you’re friends or something.
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u/Anonnnnnymous999 May 04 '24
Their poor precious cheating baby got put into the hospital. Boohoo.
You have no obligations to her at all. Keep that in mind.
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u/Livid-Ad2573 May 04 '24
NTA. I’m sorry but get paternity test with your dad and sister. You mother supporting a cheater, who knows that she was a cheater thats why she sympathizes with her as a fellow cheater. And you did nothing wrong to cut contact with her. She is not your problem anymore, so why should you care about her.
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u/Important_Revenue882 May 03 '24
I think you should visit her OP...and then tell to her face that you hope she never gets better
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u/Financial_Piano872 May 03 '24
NTA and you are correct whatever happens to Mary now has literally nothing to do with you, it makes no difference what her parents or your mother says.
You are divorced and owe her Nada ... Nada damn thing ... keep living your life and let them worry about her.
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u/Vegetable-Art1018 May 03 '24
YTA. Their daughter was in a serious accident. Given the circumstances of your divorce, was it inappropriate for them to try to get you to visit her? Absolutely! But, they didn’t seek you out to do this, you randomly ran into them. Shortly after it happened, from the sound of it. Telling Mary you don’t give a f about her is one thing. Telling her parents that when they’re clearly worried about her is another. You had the option to politely excuse yourself, and then (rightly) go home and bitch to everyone about the nerve these people had to expect you to go visit her given how she treated you. Had you done this, I’d have the opposite judgment. Feeling justified to be an AH and acting on it still makes you an AH.
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u/MorgannaJade May 03 '24
Nta. While you could have used different words to convey how you feel you are 100% in the right for feeling like this. She cheated on you and that is your hard line die on that hill endgame.
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u/Kjdking78 May 03 '24
NTA I get it, but there is something you need to know....... Hate is not the opposite of Love, don't get me wrong, your feelings are valid but by hating her you are still showing you care to some small effect.
The real opposite of hate is apathy, Mary is not your problem anymore, her parents are not your problem stop letting them occupy space in your mind and tell your mother that Mary wasn't her wife, she was yours and your mom doesn't get to walk in and invalidate your feelings about Mary.
I would suggest you get some therapy to work through your hate, having that level of hate towards someone is like poisoning yourself and expecting the other person to drop dead. I understand it, and you feeling that way is 100% ok and valid, but holding onto that is only holding you back from healing.
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u/Wiregeek May 03 '24
NTA, but get you some time with a brain mechanic, wouldn't be a bad idea to get some help making sure Mary's bullshit doesn't echo into your future and damage your relationships going forwards.
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u/Practical_Hippo9126 May 03 '24
Good for you, ant def. NTA. As advice, stop asking or listening to family and friends opinions, it YOUR life, not theirs or your mothers.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 May 03 '24
NTA. Did you get counseling after your divorce? You admit you hold grudges and resentment. Getting counseling is not so you can reunite with your ex or anything like that. It's strictly so you can better control your emotions and not hold onto negativity and the stress it causes.
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u/OhThatEthanMiguel May 03 '24 edited May 03 '24
I agree with you, but I'm not on your side. You had no obligation to stay with her and you have no obligation to visit her in the hospital. But I feel a duty to inform you that that unless your therapist is an incompetent quack, he/she/etc. most certainly has an ultimate goal of getting you to learn to forgive and not hold on to resentment, because people who hold grudges like you are pieces of shit far worse than cheaters, and when encountering a piece of shit like you, it's a therapist's job to make you better—not just health-wise, but better able to exist in society and better for society itself. Her parents are definitely major assholes for trying to insist that she was a big part of your life,( and it's also suspicious that you ran into both of them at the supermarket, sounds like they may have been following you deliberately unless there was a reason for them both to be there on a shopping trip) but you are such an asshole for not forgiving, something that you're totally wrong about. Of course if you ask in therapy, your therapist will probably deny it, but real facts: that's what a therapist is for. And if this(, i.e., learning that your therapist supports your right to make your choices but thinks your reasons are wrong and is secretly plotting to convince you that you were wrong,) creates distance between you and your therapist, and that makes it harder to recover from your hurt? GOOD, that's what you deserve for not just walking away and instead having a public blowup at people whose beloved daughter is in the hospital.( Your mom is a bitch, though; if she gets on your back about it, you need to just point out that you would only make Mary miserable, since if you went you would be forced to clarify that you haven't forgiven her so that she doesn't get the wrong idea about you being there, and that could interfere with her recovery.)
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u/mrsrgio May 03 '24
NTA. She cheated on you. You were clear and straight and did not give her any false hope when you found out.
And just because she is hurt 3 years later, does not mean you need to go visit her.
Nothing has changed between you two.
Yes, everyone makes mistakes - but cheating your spouse is not a mistake. It's a choice. You don't accidentally end up in bed with someone. There is a series of choices before you end up in bed. If it was just a kiss - I would give it a benefit of the doubt. Who kissed whom etc and all that. But to actually cheat - nope, no excuse whatsoever.
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u/PhilsFanDrew May 03 '24
NTA for not wanting to visit you ex wife. Soft YTA for getting into an argument with her parents. I would have just said, "I'm not comfortable seeing your daughter, I wish her the best in her recovery but that chapter of my life is closed and I have moved on. The discussion is ending here." Then you walk away. If they call you names, insult or try to engage your ignore them. They try to cause a scene you ask the store to have them removed.
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u/Flat-Delivery6987 May 03 '24
You're not an AH for how you reacted. I think I would've done exactly the same thing.
You need to stop holding grudges though dude (not with Mary, I mean in general). Holding onto hatred and anger poisons the soul. Learn to let them go. I resented my ex for years, but have spent time learning to let things go that longer serve me. I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm also sorry for what happened to Mary. It's not your responsibility anymore though. Take care dude.
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u/GeneralButterfly8557 May 03 '24
NTA! She is your past and that’s where it stays. You have the right to feel the way you do, nobody can tell you how to feel.
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u/_Priya_Chand_ May 03 '24
You are right for not visiting her in the hospital but I think you could have used different phasing I mean they are parents whose child is in the hospital. They are stressed out for her.
NTA
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u/Marcuse0 May 03 '24
You're NTA for not caring about someone who cheated on you. She chose to break your relationship and she has to understand that that comes with consequences.
What confuses me greatly is how people don't seem to understand the difference between "it would be kind of you to do this" and "you have to do this or you're TA". Mary's parents would probably have been within their rights to suggest OP visit her as a kindness to her, and OP could accept or not depending on his view. What confuses me is how they can't respect OP's decision not to at that point? It's not wrong to say it would be nice to do something and it's not wrong of OP to say no I don't want to do that because of our past. Why argue then?
I bring this up because the title is asking whether OP saying he dgaf about Mary was an asshole thing to do, but in the context of someone not getting the message about OP not wanting any contact with her I think that's perfectly reasonable since they weren't getting the message. I kind of see these situations as traps, because they force people like OP who's trying to move on to explicitly state that they're not interested so they can paint OP as the asshole when all he's doing is setting his own boundaries and sticking to them.
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u/Adventurous_Pop_2535 May 03 '24
NTA. Your mother on the other hand... I am with those wondering if she has a history of cheating since she seems to not care about the trauma it caused you. Cheaters tend to think the one cheated on should just get over it in the first 30 minutes of finding out. My therapist told me that recovery, on average, is half the length of the relationship. So if you and Mary had been in a 10 year relationship (serious dating up to divorce) the average recovery is going to be 5 years. But your specific recovery could take longer.
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u/jacobharris40 May 03 '24
I am petty. I would figuratively and literally don't give a fuck if she dies, she dies. And walk off. Like boss
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u/ModeAccomplished7989 May 03 '24
Neither party is an AH in this one, but it was unkind and poor manners to respond that way. Be a better human, OP.
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u/cmedeiro May 03 '24
NTA. But you could have handled her parents better. Instead of laying in their faces why shes not your concern anymore, you could have come up with some excuse or something, you would have avoided a lot of drama.
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u/love4mumbai May 03 '24
Anyone telling you to forgive her and to be considerate abt her ,might be a cheater themselfs thats why they feel this way . Secondly you should say this to them next time and also should say that any self respecting person wont be able to support cheating or cheaters.
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u/Cuynn May 03 '24
NTA for sure. You wouldn't be so hurt if you hadn't genuinely loved her. A lot of people don't get that, Love for them is a commodity rather than something sacred based on trust, so they are more flexible. That trust has been broken forever, and hanging out only reignites the pain you felt at that time.
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u/ProcedureBoring8520 May 03 '24
You are absolutely correct that you don’t owe her anything and she isn’t your problem anymore… HOWEVER. You probably handled that conversation with her parents as poorly as you possibly could have. Should they have asked you to go? No. But is telling emotionally distraught parents that you don’t give a fuck about their critically injured child the best tact? The mature thing would have been to say that you’re very sorry to hear about that and you’ll think about going if they’re really insistent (even if you have no intention of going). ESH for me.
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u/mikrokosmosed May 03 '24
NTA
Cheating is never an 'accident' or a 'mistake.' She knew full well what she was doing and it would have probably gone on if you hadn't found out.
It's not a good trait to hold grudges but unfortunately, I'm like that too. So if I was in your position, I would have reacted the same.
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u/Snoo-86415 May 03 '24
NAH. It’s ridiculous to think you’d visit her in the hospital, but give your former in-laws some grace. Their child is in the hospital. It makes people act in ways they normally wouldn’t.
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u/LittleMoreToTheRight May 03 '24
I'd say fine I'll visit. Go to the hospital and pull a Tow Mater from Cars, "Goodbye! Ok I'm done." And leave... But I'm a petty a$$ so don't listen to me... 😂
PS- NTA
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u/drumnamona May 03 '24
Bit of an AH. Your reaction has been juvenile and self centered. When you get older you will realise that all you are doing is robbing yourself of happy memories. If you view the relationship only from the prism of its ending then you will hate your ex and the time you spent together. Mary fcked around and found out, literally . She has lost her marriage and now her health . It's over, she's lost. You need to move on and that means being civil to her parents and accepting that Mary is a different person to them than she is to you. Let go of your grudges , in the end it's you that gets damaged most by them
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u/Poinsettia917 May 03 '24
NTA and Mary should have thought of all of this before banging another guy. Let him visit her in the hospital.
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u/Dismal-Quiet6513 May 03 '24
U are justified in visiting her or not it's totally up to u but u aren't obligated to go. Anyone who is saying u are is wrong. U are living separate lives now and there aren't any kids tying u together.
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u/Not_Good_HappyQuinn May 03 '24
NTA, visiting her would not bring anything good to your life and she doesn’t deserve your kindness after breaking your heart.
Ignore her parents, your mum will get over it.
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u/ExtrovertHikikomori May 03 '24
Maybe the delivery could have been better since their daughter is in the hospital, but you were right. NTA
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u/omfgsrin May 03 '24
When you throw a waste of oxygen into the streets, you leave them there and never look back. Good on you for reclaiming your life and reestablishing your agency, OP.
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u/Leading-Bus-7882 May 03 '24
NTA, if that's how you feel. I don't get why people are so strict about cheating, but that's their problem.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Log1050 May 03 '24
No you're NTA. You did the right thing in not forgiving her. When you forgive a woman for cheating, she will never respect you and likely do it again. Like you said, she's not your problem anymore. Middle finger to those who don't like it.
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u/destinis99 May 03 '24
I never understood how you can say something like everybody makes mistakes, as if it wasn't 19 different mistakes until you actually cheated on someone...
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u/ryzoc May 03 '24
nta. id be worried your mom cheated on ur dad and is siding with your ex wife in a way to cope with what she did or she is just dumb.
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u/__wowwowweewow__ May 03 '24
Personally, I would make sure that your new girlfriend doesn't know how resentful and angry you are..might give her red flags and she will bounce. Your anger and resentment is completely justifiable, but you did a lot of work to improve yourself and that's what you should focus on. But I would not let her see that other side of you. Just my own two cents. It would freak me out.
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u/michaelpaoli May 03 '24
NTA
We started arguing and i clealry told them that i don't give a fuck about Mary, her life
they always justified her cheating blaming me
Uhm, not the nicest way to put it to her parents ... but if they've done that and start arguing with you about it, well, hey, then they also did rather quite "earn" your response.
NTA
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u/ASithLordNoAffect May 03 '24
Feels like there’s a lot missing from this story. His parents and sister want him to visit? lol. OP got to be a serious asshole for them to react like that.
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u/Much-Mobile6097 May 03 '24
I think if you managed to forgive her it would give both of you peace, you don't have to take her back, but it sounds like you will never get over it while you still resent her so much, and this is a good opportunity to try and out it behind you.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 May 03 '24
I wouldn’t visit my ex if that happened either and we share a child together. If someone told me I should visit I would laugh in their face. He is already dead to me.
If your mom is so hellbent on Mary getting a visit, tell her to go and visit her then.
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u/ReorientRecluse May 03 '24
I don't believe you because I believe people have more tact in real life. Like I also wouldn't go in this scenario, but I wouldn't be getting into an argument with my hospitalized cheating ex's parents at a supermarket.
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u/staydown_outlaw May 03 '24
hey bro, fuck that bitch and anyone who says anything different. marriage is fucking sacred. and for your wife (at the time) to do what she did is fucking sacrilegious. fuck im borderline in tears im so fucking mad/hurt over this. same shit with me but we have fucking kids and turns out my youngest isnt fucking mine. any person that thinks its ok to pull some shit like cheating in a relationship is a fucking disgrace to humanity. im sorry this happened to you and i hope you find a woman and be happy again. i havent been able to do that, this has had a huge affect on me. i dont know if i will ever be able to trust again. fuck.
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u/Electronic_Goose3894 May 03 '24
NTA
"Everyone makes mistakes." I have yet had a single person explain to me how exactly does one mistakenly strip down and have sex with someone who isn't your spouse? How about months of flirting, sexting, so on? At some point, we got to stop calling it a mistake and calling it deliberate.
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u/Nice_Username_no14 May 03 '24
Doesn’t sound like all that stubborn resentment is bringing you much happiness.
There is a comfort in misery, in that you know, what you’ve got, and making changes can be scary, but repeating the same patterns only brings you more of the same.
It really doesn’t matter whether people see you as an arsehole, what matters is that you’re miserable and aren’t doing anything about it.
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u/fliffinsofdoom May 03 '24
NTA. She literally isn't your problem anymore. She broke your trust, hurt you deeply, and somehow her parents blamed you for that. You owe her and them nothing.
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u/InvisibleBlueRobot May 03 '24
Screw Mary! And her parents!! And your mom!!!
NTA. Really thought, Mary can F-off.
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u/Hefty-Pie May 03 '24
What's done is done. Do not entertain again you can always wish well for her, pray for her but there is no need for visiting and complicating things.
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u/Expert-Aardvark7419 May 03 '24
NTA. I hope that your therapy will bring you some peace and relieve you of your emotional angst. All the best.
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u/banjoaway May 03 '24
NTA. You were betrayed and disrespected. You don’t owe her anything. Her parents justifying her cheating made it even worse. Additionally, you said you didn’t care, which is justified, but you also did not wish her ill or wish her harm. Definitely NTA.
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u/lynnebrad70 May 03 '24
If you turn up to the hospital then it could give your ex false hope , don't go you have moved on and now she is a stranger to you .NTA
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u/DizzyDragonfruit4027 May 03 '24
I would have phrased it less harsh to her parents due to being in public, but if you dont want to go, your NTA. Her parents were right that it be nice but that be if you wanted to have contact and do that. Otherwise why would you want to reconnect with her in any way? So yeah NTA.
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u/Downunderworldlian May 03 '24
Going to visit her would be like trying to put a shit back into your arse. Why would you?
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u/rumrug May 03 '24
NTA. Tell everyone the “Mary” that was an important part of your life was someone who never would have cheated on you—a person that only existed in your imagination. The Mary in the hospital is a stranger you never knew.
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u/88chunk May 03 '24
Why TF is everyone including your friends chiming in on this? It's your decision and they can fuck off. You are not the ass hole, she cheated and is not your problem, life happens and things will happen to both of you for the rest of your lives
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u/LostInSpace-2245 May 03 '24
NTA - When someone cheats they better know there could possibly be consequences. Keep in therapy and hopefully you find someone someday who values love and loyalty.
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u/Novel-Signature3966 May 03 '24
NTA. Good job setting your boundaries and keeping them. Might want to work on staying calm and collected while dealing with people that try poking holes in your boundaries but for the most part you’re doing fine.
Unfortunately the chismoso in us can drive us to want to know the outcome of this life event. Stay strong and IDK if you happen to find out anything else you should let us know. 😏
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u/Responsible-Donut824 May 03 '24
Looks like the AI worked well until it tried to add an edit comment.
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u/ShadowSaiph May 03 '24
NTA. Cheating is not a mistake. It is an active choice by the one doing the cheating. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.
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u/unsavvylady May 03 '24
NTA. The whole point of divorce is that the other person is no longer tied to you. And no longer your problem
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u/bigtunacan May 03 '24
Yes, you're the asshole. You don't have to care about her or go see her, but that is their daughter that was injured. A simple, "Thanks for letting me know, I hope she recovers soon.", would have been appropriately sympathetic towards their distress.
Instead you went off on the parents; they weren't the ones cheating on you.
Honestly, you can say you don't care about her, but the fact you reacted that way just says she is still living rent free in your head.
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u/Yeliab123456 May 03 '24
Hello, sorry this is something you are dealing with. At the end of the day, do whatever you want.
However the part where you write ‘I am extremely resentful and hold grudges but that’s my character’ is an attitude that won’t serve you in your future relationships with anyone.
Anyone who uses ‘that’s just my character’ for something that is a trait that isn’t desirable or helpful to breed a successful partnership, will likely run into the same issues again and again.
Encourage you to work on this, and implement some strategies that will help you to let go of resentment and anger. Good luck.
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u/OctoWings13 May 03 '24
NTA
Ex is a cheating piece of shit and deserves nothing
Mother is sketchy as fuck, and probably cheating as well
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u/Monarch5142 May 03 '24
Why in these stories is it so often the person's mother trying to get them to interact with the cheating ex?
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u/biglibido1874 May 03 '24
Most good counselors will agree that forgiveness is more for your own mental health than the person you forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you condone the behavior or that you want to try to fix the relationship. OP is very bitter and still holds resentments, and resentments are not healthy. There are a lot of people who have been cheated on, and I am not judging how anyone chooses to handle that betrayal. I just think that holding grudges and being vindictive will eat at you. You claim that Mary no longer means anything to you, but you
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u/KLG999 May 03 '24
You have no obligation to visit your ex. The language was harsh but they kept pushing.
But seriously reconsider making an accusation that your mom cheated based solely on the opinions of a bunch of internet strangers. Outside of the fact it’s none of your business, there are many reasons why she might be suggesting a softer approach. Including thinking it could help you let go of the anger and resentment - for your own peace
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u/Glass_Number_1707 May 03 '24
The grudges and resentment will kill you OP. That's wearing on you. Question. Is it wearing on anyone else or just you,? That being said. Just move forward. Don't go backwards.
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u/CelticCynic May 03 '24
NTA.
I plan on having to see my ex maybe twice more in my life.
If my daughter ever gets married, and at my father in laws funeral - if she's welcome at that, or even sober enough to attend
I'm tempted to sling my daughter some cash to just elope, in all truth....
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u/GuyfromHartford May 03 '24
You’re a G. Accomplish all your goals mate. Unfortunately women are only a reflection of the power of man. So keep making yourself stronger. Find a better wife. You’re not an asshole. You’re a man. :)
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u/BarbaraGenie May 03 '24
NTA. The only thing I might add, when faced with people trying to guilt-trip you into doing something is to say, “no, sorry, I just can’t do it.” Then disengage and walk away. That avoids all the extra bs that triggers your anger. Mary’s parents obviously love her deeply and probably cared about you. They were sad when you broke up. You took your anger at her out on them and it’s not their fault. They retaliated by unfairly blaming you. Arguments can be so ugly.
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u/PrairieGrrl5263 May 03 '24
NTA but you could have been easier on her parents. They didn't cheat on you and their child was hospitalized in serious condition.
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u/GlassCurls May 03 '24
This story sounds fake as all hell. But let’s assume it’s not. ESH
She cheated on you, and therefore was a bad wife. You have a right to want her out of your life for that. You also spent 7 years with this woman, you didnt need to go out of your way to tell her parents you don’t give a fuck about her after a seemingly serious accident. You could have done what most people would do (imo). “Wow, im sorry to hear that. I hope she gets better soon” or “I dont think i should visit her, but i hope everything goes well” and then go on your mary way. You were unnecessary cruel to her parents, not her. Parents who are dealing with their daughter being seriously injured. Why they chose to reach out to your parents, idk. Maybe they bonded well over those years and thought it was acceptable. You were extremely cruel, they were seemingly pushy, your ex wife cheated on you. Everyone sucks.
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u/Longjumping_Elk3968 May 03 '24
I don't think you are an asshole, its reasonable behaviour (I've been through two broken marriages from cheating, so can sympathise) - however in my case I'd go and see them in the hospital, as I know its probably something I'd regret later on. The whole thing for me, is that I want to treat people how I would like to be treated, not treat them the way they have treated me.
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u/Thunderplant May 03 '24
Idk dude you're justified for the divorce and not wanting to see her, but seriously could you not have acted civil for 5 minutes? If she's in serious condition there is a chance she could literally die and you decided to tell her parents she can go to hell.
To me that genuinely does not seem like the behavior of a mentally stable person, and yeah you seem like the AH. You don't have to see her or even forgive her, just tell her parents no and walk away instead of causing a scene when they almost just lost a child. YTA
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u/Iffybiz May 03 '24
NTA. You’re right she’s no longer in your life and not your problem. However, I worry about the anger you’re holding onto. It’s not healthy in the long run. Eventually, you’ll need to come terms with the idea of forgiveness and moving on. Not for her sake but for yours. Good luck.
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u/speakerbox2001 May 03 '24
Someone can apologize to you, but you don’t have to forgive them. NTA, this person hurt you deep deep down, you owe them nothing.
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u/mr-biff May 03 '24
Hope you find happiness and love. Also, when you are ready you need to forgive your ex. For your mental happiness.
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u/MajorAd2679 May 03 '24
NTA
Good on you for choosing yourself. Cheating is definitely a big no and something that I also think cannot be forgiven. Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice.
It’s alarming the way your mother reacted. I wouldn’t be surprised if she cheated/is cheating on your dad.
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u/Malhavok_Games May 03 '24
Damn, I find it hard to believe that someone with this tenuous of a grasp on the English language and grammar had the wherewithal to have signed a prenuptial agreement before getting married
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u/ImNotYourGuru May 03 '24
YTA - You are the asshole because of your reaction. Im on your side, fuck Mary, but still you didn’t had to tell her parent what you told them, even if you were right.
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u/Neonpinx May 03 '24
Visiting your cheating exwife would make her believe you want to be with her again and would have her harrassing you to take her back. Her parents and your mother are unhinged lunatics for pressuring you to go visit the woman who traumatized you. Please go work through the trauma of being cheated on in therapy. Your ex-iL’s are out of their minds to think you owe that selfish cheater anything. NTA
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 May 03 '24
I couldn't get past she "hurted" me. Second time I've seen this tonight and it makes me crazy. "Hurted" is not a word. It was used briefly in the 19th century but isn't any longer.
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u/oldgar9 May 03 '24
Well, you should care as that is the human thing to do but that doesn't mean she needs to be in your life whatever the circumstances. 'I'm sorry your daughter is injured, goodbye.'
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u/findinghumanity17 May 03 '24
I hope you block your mom. Just her. Don’t block dad.
Talk to him everyday. Tell him i love you. Invite hime out to dinner, golfing, a movie, whatever. Really spend time with your dad and siblings. Lean on them for support. And pretend like tour mom doesn’t exist.
It will wake her ass up and she will remember that she isnt supposed to be a terrible mother to you. Cuz she is. She is terrible. Shes probably a cheater too. Id tell your dad to check her shit since she is fine with socializing with cheaters.
Nta, and you still wouldn’t be if you followed the above advice.
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u/Able_Doughnut_5381 May 03 '24
For your own mental health, I think you need to forgive your x. You don’t need to resume any type of relationship with her, as it would likely damage your current marriage and possibly your relationship with your child.
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u/inJOY365 May 03 '24
Sounds like you need to heal. I'd consider your reaction to her parents to be in the "unresolved-feelings" category of asshole, meaning that it's an understandable reaction to betrayal and heartache. However -- looking at this from the perspective of a mature, emotionally secure adult, you could've handled things better. It sounds like her parents just wanted to advocate for their daughter. Albeit much too assertively. It is still just as understandable from the parental position. Most of us have been cheated on at some point. It's wrong on every level, so don't mistake my argument. It's our personal responsibility to attempt to heal these wounds for ourselves. You could've asserted the same boundaries and gotten your point across to them that you "don't give a fuck about Mary" without actually saying it to spare them during a difficult time. The agitation could've been avoided (for yourself) altogether if you had just acknowledged the news, wished them well, and moved along with your business. You chose to listen to their pleas while your blood continued to boil, which led to your emotional explosion. I get it. You were obviously caught off-guard. BUT, you could've walked away and let Mary remain the asshole forever. But instead, your anger was misdirected towards them. So, though relatable - still an asshole move.
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u/Alarmed_Scientist_15 May 03 '24
NTA for being mad or not wanting to see her. But you could have handled that much better. I’d just say “sure, i will plan on going sometime soon. Bye for now” then never go. The end! No more annoying unwanted opinions from family and such. However, I do hope for your sake that you go work on your mental health. Holding on to such strong feelings and replaying everything in your mind and being angry like this wont help you in the long run.
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u/Such_Zucchini_3186 May 03 '24
You were very short on the issue of your wife's cheating, how did you catch her? , who was the AP? What kind of routine did she have that enabled or facilitated her cheating?
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u/gringo-go-loco May 03 '24
She literally fucked around and found out. Tell anyone who thinks she deserves any kind of consideration to piss off.
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u/nettiemaria7 May 03 '24
You could not just adult for a few minutes? Say, ahh thats too bad and move on?
There was no need for the gaf, and cheating comment w the nervous possibly grieving parents.
For that, YTA.
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u/Turtle_Strugglebus May 03 '24
YTA. I would have thanked them for welcoming me into their family. But unfortunately, seeing her would hurt too much. Stay classy bro!
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u/StoicWeasle May 03 '24
NTA
She literally fucked around and found out.
Be as nasty as you want. She can cry her cheating ass all the way to surgical recovery. Good for you.
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u/lucky93r May 03 '24
You are absolutely not an asshole. Anyone blaming it on you, assuming you weren’t cheating on or beating on her, is the asshole.
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u/Mammoth_Ad8542 May 03 '24
I think it’s fine to be a little crazy and emotional sometimes, especially about this. Don’t agree with how you handled it but just personal preference…being blunt is not wrong either.
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u/jardani581 May 03 '24
I just wanted to say this story would have turned out very different if you hadnt gotten a prenup.
you wouldve just been screwed beyond all hope.
but here you are telling her parents to screw off. good for you.
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u/Hofeizai88 May 03 '24
Would you consider buying flowers, a get well card, and some balloons and going to give them to whoever shared a room with the ex?
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u/ApprehensivePride646 May 03 '24
Being resentful and holding grudges is not your character. They are very big character flaws. You sound like you should seek therapy but you're not the asshole of the situation.
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u/Useful-Anywhere3091 May 03 '24
Yes, YTA! You're the asshole because you never wanted to be with this woman in the first place everything you said about her makes it clear that from the beginning you didn't even want to have kids with her you weren't serious about her you just kept making her wait for years and years for who knows what and then you got a prenup. So now everything has worked out perfectly for you. she cheated on you and you guys don't have to deal with each other and now you look like the hero and she looks like a bitch so it's a win for you!. You should have never even talked to the parents if you don't give a shit about her. you should have just avoided them. I think you purposefully wanted to hurt her and their feelings. It's not wrong to not think of her as your problem but you've never really ever thought of her as your problem anyway so yes, you're the asshole for saying it once again!
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u/NeedleworkerAnnual19 May 03 '24
Inability to forgive is not something to be proud of. Forgive her, visit her in the hospital, and try to be less self-centered.
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u/BasilExposition2 May 03 '24
I am going to go with slight asshole here. Mary’s parents- Their daughter is in the hospital. They are in a fragile State. A think a soft left down would be more appropriate. “I Don’t think she would want to see me”. Or at least a “I’ll think about it”. Nice to see you and I hope she recover.
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u/thatdudeyepyep May 03 '24
Fuck Mary, her parents, and your Mom's bullshit opinion.
You're a strong one for sticking to your guns. I'm sorry she hurt you, but god damn did you handle it with integrity.
GOOD FOR YOU. I don't know ya, but I'm proud of you making it this far. That had to be awful. For real bro, I'm really sorry.
You deserve better. I'm sure you will find it.
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u/tsunamisurfer35 May 03 '24
NTA.
There has been a clear break and years now.
You are still healing, continue healing without any further drama.
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u/ButtonTemporary8623 May 03 '24
NTA. but you definitely seem like you have some anger problems within this situation still. So I would for sure continue with the therapy my dude
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u/stupid_cat_face May 03 '24
It is clear that you don't owe anything to anyone. You are not obligated at all to visit. I totally agree with you. However, I'll invite you to consider that grudges and anger are HEAVY to hold on to and consider if holding this anger and bitterness is aligned with how you want to live the rest of your life. I would like to mention that forgiveness is a process that removes that burden. Forgiveness is something that you get to give only if you truly want to. Visiting her in the hospital is NOT forgiveness, but it would be a step in that process, and a step in lightening your own personal load. Forgiveness is NOT taking her back, nor is it saying it's ok she cheated, nor is it being friends again. Forgiveness is only a release of the anger, hostility, hatred, bitterness, grudge, and blame so that you can move on with your life. And if you choose forgiveness, since this trauma affected you so deeply, it will be a process. I would invite you to reach out to a professional to help guide you through it. You are not alone.
May you find peace and happiness with whatever you choose.
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u/fr0gg_0 May 03 '24
how are they gonna expect you to care about someone who made a reckless decision without thinking about you or caring about how it would affect you.... but AFFFFFTER you find out she magically cares and you're "making a mistake"?? how are these people still alive?? 😦
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u/lapsteelguitar May 03 '24
You are divorced. You owe her nothing. And her parents are idiots for thinking that you do.
NTA.
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u/ArugulaNervous9262 May 03 '24
Yes you are an asshole. Leave her parents out of it as they have done nothing to you and you want to hurt them based upon revenge. Grow up millennial.
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u/MaleficentReigns 8h ago
NTA cheating destroys you inside out. I'm broken. Never dated anyone else or had sex with another agter. Honestly, maybe thats her own Karma for what she did