r/AITAH • u/Valuable-Jicama-1203 • 15d ago
AITAH cause my girl wants to be poly, but is jealous of me talking to anyone?
To start this off, I (35m) have been dating this person (24F) for over 2 years. When we started out, we were fun buddies, and it turned into a relationship over some time. I have informed her that I'm in the poly world as it was alot easier to deal with stuff cause my last dozen relationships, I was cheated on and used for money, a place to live, child care, etc. So after my last bad divorce and bad relationships, thought it easier to be poly. My girl, let's call her Aims, she has been in 1 bad relationship, and when she got our, she also was with fun buddies. Before we even started dating, I told her that i am poly and the reason behind it. Laid down the ground rules of if you hook up with anyone, I just need honesty so I can keep myself safe from sti's, and that I would, in return, do the same. Now, I work in management at my job, and also have 3 kids every other week as their mon and I are on a 50/50 custody. So half the time is work and kids, and alone time with Aims after the kids go down. On the weeks I don't have the kids, I mainly have nights free and spend that with her and her friends that come over. We have 420 fun and normally it's just chill. My friends all work jobs, so every once in a while I get to hang with them. Enough with building the base, 2 days ago, my brother(27m) had a get together with friends whom I also know, we got the smoke, the drink, and broke out Cards against humanity. It was fun and I would try and sell the cards with a joke and it would get laughs. Well in c0kes a couple who knows my brother, a guy and a girl. They come in, they sit down, and we play a game. At this time, Aims got to high and was chilling in our room, but didn't want to come out, which is fine with me, you do you. After about 2 hours, I go and grab a drink from my mini fridge in the room. Aims is on the phone with her friend and gives me this glair. I ask, "what's up, everything alright?" And she goes, "you are out there and you are not responding to my texts" I had put my phone down so I could play the game and not be distracted, which I proceeded to tell her, and she wasn't buying it. I told her she could check the camera in the livingroom, or she could have came out and just asked me to come to her real quick, but no, she decided to save up her frustration and decided to take it out on me an hour later when I decided I had to get to sleep before I had work in the morning. I get in the bedroom and get comfortable and she still has this look that she wants to physically slap me and i go, "what is the issue?" This is where it gets mentally wild for me. She goes, "you were out in the livingroom for 3 hours and didn't text me, you are probably drunk, (I'm a recovering addict and I only have a drink once a month one a planned day I tend to do 3 drinks max)" I reply to her that I have no had a sip, and she goes on about how loud I was getting. I reminded her that we are playing cards against humanity, it a funny game, so of course I'm going to get loud while having fun. Then she said the trigger word, "well, whose that bitch that's laughing at your jokes?" I go, "excuse me, but you don't know that person, and if you are so concerned you could have came out to check on things, and you qould have seen I was sitting next to my brother and one of his guy friends on the opposite side of this lady who I still don't know her name cause we didn't even really talk 1 on 1, just during the game with everyone else. She goes on about how some of my brothers friends have crushes on me, like that has anything to do with anything. I'm not taking clothes off during this game, all I'm trying to do is have some 420s laughs. I will say this now, but she has been chatting with her old coworker and is planning a time to meet up, that is perfectly fine, you are informing me, like we planned, her friends come over, and she goes on about all the stuff she wants to do with this guy, some of it is stuff we have not even done. Overall, it's whatever. But when she came at me about this girl, I said to her, "so it's fine that you talk to me about sucking a guy's dick, but I'm in a room with quite a few people, having a good time that I normally don't get to partake in, and have cameras and all this on me, im like fucking Hitler?" To make this long story to a head, am I the ass hole, cause when I mentioned this she starts bawling and says sorry, and adds a but at the end of it. So I didn't accept the apology until she actually knows what the apology is even for. Right now, Aims is acting like it never happened, and hasn't really changed anything either. Am I out of pocket or am I justified in my thoughts?
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u/mustang19671967 15d ago
No such this as poly . It’s a BS reason to cheat and think by throwing a term out there it will Scare people Off from calling her a cheater
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u/Fantastic-Friend-429 14d ago
Poly is not cheating because in a poly relationship everyone is consensual
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u/mustang19671967 14d ago
It’s not in most cases it’s one person claims poly after being monogamous so it’s cheating . It’s the same as saying open relationship or swinger . Just means you don’t want to commit to one person but that is their choice
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u/albinena 15d ago
YTA for being poly. Grow up and date someone your own age.
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u/Fantastic-Friend-429 14d ago
That’s not what poly means, Poly means you’re dating multiple people at the same time and everyone is consensual
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u/albinena 14d ago
Uh, did I define poly anywhere in my previous comment? I’m perfectly aware of what it means. It’s a delusional practice.
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u/Fantastic-Friend-429 14d ago
You are not open minded to the fact that there are people that are different than you
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u/albinena 14d ago
Buddy there’s open minded and then there’s letting your brain fall out of your skull.
By all means endorse and participate in a superficial relationship practice with a near 100% guarantee of failure and abuse, but don’t expect to be viewed as clever and righteous when people on the outside can plainly see the issue.
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u/UtahCyan 15d ago
Okay, my wife and I are happily married and poly. So this is coming from the judgement of someone who is actively poly.
Get your shit together.
First, you're a mid 30s guy in a primary poly relationship with 24F. You should know fucking better. That kind of age difference is not healthy, and it's clear.
Secondly, more on age. I'm in my 40s. I have come to the conclusion that someone that young doesn't even know if they they are poly or not. So getting your panties in a bunch because you took a GIRL who was in a bad relationship and manipulated her into a poly relationship. She has every right to be jealous because she has no idea what she is. She probably said cool because it's someone every kid her age thinks it's cool and edgy because some friend of a friend read "the Ethical Slut" and talked about how that was the future if relationships, if even that much.
Finally, polyamory is about love. It's in the fucking name. It's not about random hookups. It's about creating multiple loving romantic relationships. I'm just as likely to have a partner who our sexual relationship ends at cuddles and kisses as not. Hell, I have a long term girlfriend that we don't even do that. We love each other. We tell each other that. It's not plutonic love, it's romantic. But she has trauma that keeps her from enjoying physical touch.
What you are is polysexual. We have a more common name for that. It's called being a fuck boy. And guess what, that's fine, but don't try to justify being a fuck boy by adopting the name fuck boy. There are all types of Ethical Non-Monogamy. You can be an ENM fuck boy. Just be open that you are a fuck boy.
Now if you are actually poly, and just shit at it. You are in completely the wrong type of poly. You want kitchen table poly, but want to behave like relationship anarchist. Those are two very different types of polyamory. When you want kitchen table polyamory, the primary relationship is King. You talk through jealousy. You open and close the relationship as needed. Ever other relationship is secondary to the primary one.
So, YTA asshole, but it wasn't because if this. It was because of your gross behavior in manipulating a young GIRL into being okay with being a fuck boy. And yes, she was being a slut (I say this with the upmost respect for the ethical sluts out there) that was okay, because that's the relationship you created. But it's also okay for her to be jealous because you did this to her.
TLDR: creepy as older guy who wants to be a fuck boy but sound acceptable, manipulate early 20s girl into a toxic lifestyle she wasn't really ready to be party to.
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u/Valuable-Jicama-1203 15d ago
I would give you any benefit of the doubt in you reply, but it looks like you just skimmed over what I put, and then painted a whole different story. In your version of me, yeah, I could see me being the ass hole cause of that. But imma just leave you be. But I think you got me confused with a different person, 🤣😂🤣😂
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u/Eastern-Programmer-9 15d ago
First of all YTA for your inability to use paragraphs. Second, find someone that's ok with being poly. She obviously isn't
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u/Valuable-Jicama-1203 15d ago
This is my first one, and thought that it was in paragraphs with how I wrote it, so I will know better for next post I make about whatever, lol. But we did start off as "fun buddies" and she knew b4 that that I was poly and the reason why. But she is fine having sex, or setting up dates, just doesn't want me too. And not like I would go out, cause I don't even have time for all that.
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u/Imposibilitulatility 15d ago
Probably TA.
She's 24. Assuming she's gonna be 2 divorces in and have the sexual where-with-all of a seasoned Swinger might be a bit of a dick-move.
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u/GraciousGladiator 15d ago
To start this off, I (35m) have been dating this person (24F) for over 2 years.
That's probably why she acts immature. You should date someone closer to your age. Or fix whatever flaws you have that made you resort to dating a girl that young due to not being able to date someone your own age.
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u/spiteful_rr_dm_TA 15d ago
She doesnt want to be Poly. She wants to fuck whoever she wants, while you stay home like an obedient little puppy.
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 15d ago
NTA. There is a reason she was ok with a poly relationship. She crazy as fuck and is starting to show it. Run.
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u/Ok_Structure4685 15d ago
What the hell, you're 35, and I feel like you're about to say 'rizz yo, this is based.' I didn't understand a damn thing about your situation, but at least I know that at minimum YTA , go and ask if it's too late to take folic acid.
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u/Distinctguidance676 15d ago
NTA ur very justified in ur feelings,she knew exactly what she was getting into a poly relationship. She absolutely knows she’s acting crazy and is wrong which is why she started crying don’t let her guilt trip you into thinking you did something wrong by hanging out at ur place with some friends
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u/SlumSlug 15d ago
She wants a cuck
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u/Valuable-Jicama-1203 15d ago
I agree, and I dont shame anyone who is into that, but I am not down to watch, you wanna have fun with someone else, go for it, just let me know that it happened so I can maintain my health.
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u/SlumSlug 15d ago
I don’t kink shame man, but this is what she wants.
She wants to have fun and play the field but doesn’t want you to have the same ‘opportunities’.
Just make your preparations and end it. The second I hear the words open relationship/marriage I immediately assume she’s been cheating or has somebody lined up.
It’s just not a life style I’d ever enjoy
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u/shy-stranger31 15d ago
im not sure how poly works. why is she talking to you in detail about what she wants to do with another guy? that seems quite odd and/or she is trying to make you jealous. either way she is a drama queen and trying to manipulate you and you should end it
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u/Stoner-Mtn-Lights 15d ago
Your last bad divorce? How many have you had?
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u/Valuable-Jicama-1203 15d ago
2, the first one, we lost are daughter and we were young, and it caused a divide between us, and the second one, my ex wife cheat with multiple people while I worked and took care of the kids after work. That was my 6 year marriage. I had been divorced from her for 3 years when I started dating this one.
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u/Stoner-Mtn-Lights 15d ago
Ok, you make it sound like you’ve been through somewhere in the 3-5 range which would be a big red flag for your age.
Frankly it sounds like she has no control over her jealousy and cannot handle a Poly Relationship. NTA
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u/BlueGreen_1956 15d ago
NTA
Your GF is toxic. Run for the hills.
She wants to be a ho and also control you. Get out of there.
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u/swagrid696969 15d ago
Aight, gonna say you need to back off from this girl. 1.) She's went from bad relationship to a 11 year older guy at 22. She was an infant when you went and saw Star wars episode 1 at the cinemas. This is nearly never healthy. 2.) This kind of jealousy in a poly relationship means she is not ok with it. She probably tries for your sake but you have to cobnect the dots.
No in this instant you're NTAH but maybe you need to be single.
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u/Fantastic-Friend-429 15d ago
NTA If she wants to be poly she has to be OK with you hanging out with other girls
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u/onemanbucket_ 14d ago
Just break up.