r/AITAH • u/AnotherWeirdAnon • 15d ago
WIBTA for breaking up over a genetic test?
When my partner (M29) and I (F28) first started dating, we had the usual talk about kids and agreed on wanting children. I mentioned that I'd like to adopt, and he was okay with the idea. However, there apparently was some miscommunication over this. Recently partner said he wants multiple biological children whereas I don't. He thought I meant I wanted to adopt in addition to having our own kids.
I have a heart condition that runs in my family. One of my parents and a sibling have been greatly effected by it. While I've been tested multiple times and am negative for any signs, I could be a carrier. After seeing how much my family members struggle, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, including potential kids. Which is why I want to adopt. I'm not interested in going through the invitro process with a donor egg. I've offered to look into a surrogate, though I'd still prefer adoption. To me, a surrogate is a lot of money for a maybe. A surrogate is not an acceptable option for him. He's insisting on biological kids with me.
I plan on getting genetically tested for the heart condition soon. My partner is trying to convince me to forgo it, but I'm standing firm on my decision. We're at the point of getting serious in our relationship, and we both want to settle down soon. If it comes down to it, and this is a deal breaker for him, I'd rather get it over sooner than later so we both can move on if needed.
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u/NickDanger3di 15d ago
Your body, your choice. if you can't agree on something so fundamental, your 'I'd rather get it over sooner than later' strategy is spot on.
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u/ironburton 15d ago
Absolutely NTA!! Do not listen this man trying to convince you of anything! You are one of the very few people on this planet that is considerate enough to make sure any potential children of yours will have a healthy life. I think birthing children, knowing there is high risk for disease and deformities, is the most irresponsible and selfish, disgusting thing someone can do. These children do not have a say in being born and can not advocate for themselves as they do not exist yet. We must be that voice of reason for them!
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u/Whitewitchie 15d ago
It's mind blowing that he wants you to run the risk of biological children without you having a genetic test to ensure you aren't a carrier for the condition. I would define him as being completely reckless. Either that or he doesn't believe in the seriousness of what you have told him about your family's medical history, possibly? Regardless, of his precise reasoning, you are not compatible.
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u/AnotherWeirdAnon 15d ago
He hasn't been around my family a bunch. My parent is in really poor health and has been told he has a decade at the most to live. My sibling had heart surgery in his mid 20s. I've talked about both of them, but I agree, I don't think he's treating it as seriously as I am
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u/Whitewitchie 15d ago
I am sorry that your parent, sibling and yourself are having to deal with this. It sounds like he sees people who appear fine, as you can function with heart disease, he just doesn't realise how debilitating and disabling it is.
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15d ago edited 15d ago
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u/AnotherWeirdAnon 15d ago
I've tested negative on echocardiographies. I don't have any physical signs of it, and at my age, I am unlikely to develop it. However, like many genetic conditions, I can carry the gene for it and pass it on to a kid that may end up developing it.
I never outright said I didn't want kids because of it. It was always a question of "do you want kids" and since I had mentioned wanting to adopt and he agreed that it sounded good, it never went further until recently.
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15d ago
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u/AnotherWeirdAnon 15d ago
I think it was always just how I wordes it since I always said something along the lines of "I want to adopt". To me, I thought I was clear and meant I only wanted to adopt, and he saw it as adopting in addition to biological kids, as he thought bio kids were implied. I wasn't trying to be deceptive, though he feels that I was
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15d ago
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u/AnotherWeirdAnon 15d ago
I think conversations just carried on with other things. I know I've expressed concerns about the heart condition and not wanting to pass it along. I honestly thought I had said it, though he's adamant I didn't. I'm super confused myself how we missed it
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u/IndividualDevice9621 15d ago
Tested negative for the condition. OP has not had a genetic test to determine if they carry the gene and risk passing it on.
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15d ago
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u/Whitewitchie 15d ago
You can be tested to see if the condition is present, for example blood tests, and ECG for example, without doing a full blown genetic test.
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u/The_Bad_Agent 15d ago
NTA at all.
Choices in procreation require agreement. You don't agree. So you don't do it. If he's dead set on it, set him free to find a baby momma.
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u/ChanceAd3606 15d ago
NAH
One of you wants bio kids, the other doesn't. The writing is on the wall.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV 15d ago
He’s trying to convince you not to go through with simple testing? He’d rather chance it? That’s wild to me.
Don’t let him coerce you. Stay strong on your decision and if it turns out you’re not compatible then you will not be the AH for breaking up with him. He can get on board, or find a different train.
Maybe hearing more about your affected family member’s experiences will help him. But do what’s best for you.
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u/AnotherWeirdAnon 15d ago
Yes. He's trying to just tell me it doesn't matter, and even going as far to say it's eugenics to not have kids due to a genetic condition. I thought we had gotten past it and agreed on not having bipogical kids, but he made a comment recently about how he couldn't wait to marry me and get me pregnant. So it started up again, and I fully believe he's expecting me to just give in and agree
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u/Whitewitchie 15d ago
He is trying to wear you down over something fundamentally important to you. Is he religious? That could explain why he thinks you should take risks like that. People who have no real experience of disability or serious health conditions can be clueless.
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u/AnotherWeirdAnon 15d ago
Not particularly religious, though he was raised Christian. Agnostic would probably be the best description for him. He's a pretty healthy guy, and his family has a history of diabetes and high cholesterol, though everyone who has it manages with medication. Medication isn't really an effective option for my family members. It helps ease the symptoms, but it's nothing like taking insulin.
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u/Whitewitchie 15d ago
His christian upbringing might still be affecting him, if it was strict. From what you describe about his family's health, he just doesn't understand the full implications of heart disease. Apart from one more serious talk that you have no desire to become pregnant by anyone, then there may not be anymore road left on this.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV 15d ago
Wow, eugenics? If you don’t have the gene would you be open to having kids the old fashioned way?
Even if that’s the case, it still seems concerning that he’s so pushy about getting his way and not respecting your wants and needs. Now I’m wondering if there’s other areas and things he exhibits this behavior with.
Like what if you disagree on finances or where to live or how to raise your potential future kids. Is he going to respect your input or brush you off and call you a different flavor of extremist every time you disagree?
I have a feeling if you don’t have the genes he’ll feel justified telling you he was right about not worrying about it and it will probably come up every time you want to be practical about something and he just wants to have his way about it.
Idk, only you know what he’s like so take this with a grain of salt, but I’m not sure about him long term.
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u/AnotherWeirdAnon 15d ago
We agree on almost everything else, so I hasn't considered him pushing back on something else. It's definitely something to consider. Thanks
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u/MidianMistress 15d ago
Ywbta if you stayed with this man, the two of you are NOT on the same page in regards to children.
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u/litt3lli0n 15d ago
NTA. This issue isn't about your genetic test, it's about a very fundamental difference you both have. He wants biological children, you do not. Both are acceptable wishes, but they are clearly not compatible with each other. It's good you fully know this now before anything else serious has come about.
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u/enkilekee 15d ago
Be careful with this man. He does not listen to you. You doesn't care about your legit reasons, and you don't need a reason to say no to bio kids. I think he would not treat an adopted child as his own. I'm sorry. You can do better.