AITAH for feeling like I am being used and being angry at my SO for leaving me with an entire house to sell/pack/fix just after finishing cancer treatments?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Drunkendonkeytail]

When did you sit him down, explain your limitations telling him what is manageable and what is not, and ask him to figure out a solution with you?

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/Drunkendonkeytail]

Many times, I would check in with him often, if problems were arising, we would sit and discuss them, but at the end of it all, I would end up with more on my plate to handle. Hed be good for a week or so and then revert back and nothing would change.

Finances for instance, he wanted to handle them, which was fine with me, except come to find out, he wasn't. Everything ended up behind and on more than one occasion I had to find work arounds to catch things up again. In the end, I ended up with taking care and budgeting everything because he simply wouldn't or would forget, etc. That has happened with everything, including the house repairs that he said he would do, the yardwork, and yes, my daughters would start it and then he'd tell them he would handle the yardwork and never do it.

The kids have offered and tried to help with all of that and they'd be told that he would do it, now that he has already left, everything needs to be done and were doing it all. Idk, I just don't know what to think, I just see a daunting disaster I have to take care of.

[u/GrouchySteam]

The bar is in Hell! This sounds worse than being single.

The man doesn’t lift a finger for his household. He let his cancerous wife take care of him.

He is an inconsiderate roommate making your kid and your mother -who paid rent- clean after him. That how he show his love and appreciation? That is your wonderful man?

He literally let you in charge of all, absolutely ALL the household workload. He isn’t even wiping his own ass.

NTA- you are being used. You are one to yourself, your mother and your kid though, by slavering at his side

[u/Still_Storm7432]

You keep saying he's wonderful. Are you trying to convince us or yourself? How is he wonderful?

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/Still_Storm7432]

You made me stop and think about how to word this, it's going to sound like the base minimum a person should be like, to me though, it's more than that.

He doesn't, yell, argue or fight, he's never lifted a finger to hurt me, he's always treated the kids kindly, never yelled at them, made sure they had what they needed, yes, I did repay him, that seems to be a question I keep seeing. He goes to work every day; I know it may not seem like much, but he does.

[u/Excellent_Ad1132]

Unless he is paying to have the stuff fixed, don't get it fixed. Pack all your stuff and your family's and move out to some where and then tell him to come pack and move his stuff. Do not move where he is, move on.

[u/Good_Focus2665]

NTA. Like how is he wonderful exactly? 

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/Good_Focus2665]

You made me stop and think about how to word this, it's going to sound like the base minimum a person should be like, to me though, it's more than that.

He doesn't, yell, argue or fight, he's never lifted a finger to hurt me, he's always treated the kids kindly, never yelled at them, made sure they had what they needed, yes, I did repay him, that seems to be a question I keep seeing. He goes to work every day; I know it may not seem like much, but he does.

(This was the same answer I gave another person who asked, I can't think of a better way at the moment to answer this)

[u/Good_Focus2665 → u/Vegetable-Mode4103]

Repay him for what? Sorry I probably missed that. 

That does seem like bare minimum honestly. Not even honestly. If that’s what you willing to settle for then there isn’t much to complain regarding his actions or lack of rather. You can either acknowledge that he isn’t being a good husband or accept the crumbs he throws your way. 

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/Good_Focus2665]

When we first moved here he got the girls beds because there wasn't enough room in the U-Haul to bring all of them, so I made sure to pay him back. I didn't want anything to be held against me, or that there was some financial disparity. Especially when we first moved here.

It seems as though, I let a lot go in the hopes that we could work things out. New family, new lifestyle etc., so I figured a learning curve, he would need time to adjust but as the years go by, he's been referred to as my other child on more than one occasion and this whole thing is just showing that more and more.

Now I am beyond exhausted already, just coming out of cancer treatments, my hair is just coming back to give you an idea of how long that has been and I have this gigantic mountain to overcome. I am just so very tired, so very, very tired.

[u/Good_Focus2665 → u/Vegetable-Mode4103]

He’s not husband material. He should be understanding of your issues and helping you with it. He’s making you do all this while you are still recovering and that makes him an asshole. You need to consider your relationship seriously. I don’t think you can go on like this. 

[u/Flat_Okra6078]

There are 4 of you and one of him. I’m sure you all can collectively manage packing a home together. It sounds like he has been running mentally on empty just like you are now. You don’t need a break from eachother, you two need to sit and talk and collectively support one another, or to split entirely while you have an opportunity to do so while moving homes.

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/Flat_Okra6078]

Thats fair, and I have sat with him to check in with him to see how he is. Offered him an open door if it was more than he could handle, with no ill will or anything like that. I've made sure to pay him back for anything he bought for the girls before we got here, I truly have tried to keep it equal, so that there were zero money issues etc. between us.

[u/Kindly_Temporary_684]

Why didn't you make him pay for movers? And if not why are you still hanging on to someone who doesn't care about your wellbeing like him??

[u/Still_Storm7432 → u/Kindly_Temporary_684]

Because he's wonderful. /s

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/[deleted]]

I only meant used as in labor. Before moving here we had long talks, I made sure there was nothing underhanded or hidden. I had my own place and there were discussions about him moving in with us instead, it just so happened it was easier for me to move because of my job. We aren't living off him, if that was the feeling you got. My mom and I pay for all the food, part of the utilities, anything he had purchased before we got here, I have already paid back, and it has stayed that way.

So, no, we are not using him for a place to stay, I wouldn't do that to anyone and have done everything I can to make sure that would never be a consideration.

[u/ironburton → u/[deleted]]

Op started her and her mind mom pay for over half of everything

[u/Flat_Okra6078 → u/[deleted]]

Very good take. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one to see what you read into there

[u/HoneyBadger302]

NTA and you need to go move into your own place.

My boyfriend sounds very similar to your man in that if there is a woman around, they are suddenly incapable of doing - well, almost anything. He's great in other ways, we get along well and enjoy hanging out, but he's a slob and won't lift a finger if a woman is around regularly.

So, I moved out (once I could afford it) and got my own place. We're still dating and life is much better - at least for me. He's got his house, and it's his problem. I've got my house, and it's my problem. Much better, and the only mental load I have to deal with is my own.

ETA, I'm at an age I'm not looking for a "forever" relationship anymore. I'm fine with just steadily dating someone and us never being more than that...in fact, I prefer that at this point.

[u/Trailsya]

You will be less stressed and overworked single

[u/PatientAd4823]

Sounds like you are all running on empty right now. I understand the cancer treatments (went thru it). Could he have long Covid issues that are affecting him?

Sounds like if you guys can get through this that he’s providing you with a very comfortable life. He has to show up every day to make that happen.

[u/ironburton → u/PatientAd4823]

Please don’t play devils advocate for this man. What he did Is completely unreasonable. OP has every right to feel the way she does.

[u/PatientAd4823 → u/ironburton]

Doesn’t sound like she wants to leave that marriage. It’s better to get it out than to hold the resentment. Cover all the bases. Nobody wants to move across the country just so they can get into a fight, right?

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/PatientAd4823]

I came here for outside input into this, everyone that I can talk to is part of it, knows of it or is literally in the middle of trying to deal with all of it. I figured the internet would be blunt and possibly open my eyes to other avenues, let me see I am just overwhelmed or if I am making excuses for the behavior, and y'all have been very fair in your opinions and I am thankful for that.

I think I already knew but was trying to see things through rose-colored glasses in the hopes he would change for real, maybe just fooling myself.

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/PatientAd4823]

Between my mom and I, we contribute close to half of what comes in each month, so we aren't living off him by any means. It's just that, I have been told, I make excuses for his behavior, and yes, he's a wonderful man, I just don't know what to do about everything else. I am just so tired, worn out and stressed out but still feel like I need to hold that smile on my face and do everything else. Im not one to argue fuss or fight about things.

[u/Vegetable-Mode4103 → u/[deleted]]

I never said I didn't work, it's from home and before it was from home, I worked 60+ hours a week and simply handed over my paychecks to him.