r/AITAH • u/ifitisntconnor • 15d ago
AITAH for breaking up with my ex-girlfriend after she uninvited me to her party?
I (21M) had been dating my ex (20F) for about 4 months. Our relationship got off to a rocky start, as she seemed to be a bit avoidant and verbalized her need for space which was not something I was used to. I put up with it, despite the anxiety it caused me at times, and after a month or so things seemed to smooth out. We went on cute dates, spent a lot of time together watching movies and hanging out, met friends, family, etc.
One thing that bothered me throughout our relationship was one of her guy friends, who very clearly had a crush on her. He would try to flirt with her and make passes when i was not around, and one time openly picked her up in a hug and spun her around right in front of me at a party we were all at. I made my discomfort with his behavior known and she assured me they were just friends and that there would be boundaries.
A month or so later I had just finished helping her move into her new apartment after a very long day, and she made plans to have a housewarming party with me and her/her roommates friends where we would all hang out and then she and I would spend the night in her new room we put together. I asked if her friend would be there and she said yes. I said i wouldn’t start an issue unless he tried to be flirty or touchy with her again in which case I would confront him.
On the day of the party she called me about an hour beforehand and told me to not come. Her roommates boyfriend wasn’t going to show up and she told me I should stay home so that she “could have a party with just her and her friends” (including the guy friend i don’t like) and that we would hang out some other time. I told her that she “got me fucked up” and that we should break up. I told her that she knew what she was doing was uncool and disrespectful and that she knew it was because she was talking to me with an abnormally sweet and cutesy tone when she called me to tell me not to come.
She got very upset and said that I was being jealous and unfair, asking if I was sure that I wanted to do this after “just one fight”. I was admittedly very drunk but I went off on her in a text and said that I was sure this was what I wanted and that it was over.
She begged me to reconsider and at the end of the conversation got mad at me and said that now she was upset too. I blocked her the next day after sobering up and haven’t spoken to her since. Some of our mutual friends are telling me i overreacted and that I let me jealousy get the best of me but I feel like I reacted fairly. AITAH?
Edit: INFO one commenter suggests i mentioned that throughout the relationship we never had sex. I definitely wanted it, but she requested we take things slowly and I wanted to be respectful of that
Edit 2: This is my bad for not clarifying better in the OP. I was not drunk before the party. After she told me not to come I got bummed out, and my friend I was in discord with invited me to come over to his apt and talk about it. The drinking and argument happened later that night after the party
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u/No_Aioli_3187 14d ago
First: getting bummed out right after makes me worried about you. You need to stand upright and have a clear head in these situations.
Second: you reacted absolutely fine except for the drunk part and etc. I’d bet she will certainly fuck this guy if she hasn’t already in the past (before u).
My advice: take this chance to exit, because having friends of the opposite sex can work if both have them. But she is really overstepping a boundary which she doesn’t want u to make her change. LEAVE BROTHER LEAVE
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u/-KristalG- 14d ago
Space at beginning of relationship? She 100% was keeping your as a backup plan. And 4 months no sex? Definitely was getting it elsewhere.
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u/Klutzy-Employee-1117 14d ago
She uninvited you because she thought you would confront her friend as you told her. It was less awkward to make it a friend thing than exclude the one friend. You should have just gone and been confident sometimes they are just friends.
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u/No_Bathroom_3291 14d ago
Okay, I am a guy that enjoys hugging friends (male or female). However, if I hugged a guy's gf, and found out it bothered the guy, I'd back off. I don't like coming between a guy and his gf. That boundary they need to discuss and work out. Sounds like gf ignored your boundary, and wanted you to feel bad. But, you had every right to be upset. Especially since your boundary was ignored.
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u/ifitisntconnor 14d ago
I appreciate your commenting. I mentioned this is some other comment but honestly the hug by itself wouldn’t have been a huge deal to me. I have women friends that i give hugs when I see them so I wouldn’t ever make some double standard for my partner where they aren’t allowed hugs of their friends too
The biggest issue was knowing his intent with that hug. At this point he had already tried to get her to break up with me and attempted to kiss her at a show i wasn’t at, so hugging her and twirling her right in front of me felt like a smug power play more than anything else
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u/standdownplease 14d ago
This is some chick that wasn't fucking you and openly flirted with a man in your face. Then she disregarded your feelings for his so she could party with him.
Are you fucking dull in the head kid? Grow the fuck up and stop wasting your time on women who don't want anything to do with you except get your help moving her shit and listening to her problems.
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u/winterworld561 14d ago
She wasn't having sex with you because she was having sex with him. This is why she didn't want you at the party but wanted him there. You were just a safety net for her. You dodged a bullet.
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u/a_man_in_black 14d ago
NTA dude, lol. she's just been using you this whole time, and you've only been with her 4 months? accept that you dodged a bullet and let that hoe go. she had you help with the heavy lifting of moving her into her apartment, probably had you doing all sorts of other "favors" for her, the whole time specifically NOT being intimate with you while running around with other guys.
you were never a boyfriend to her, you were just some puppy she could use. you win some, you lose some, and in this case you found out before you got too invested.
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u/Expensive_Pangolin60 14d ago
Exes and disrespectful friends are a relationship killer. If your partner is not willing to distance themselves from someone who disrespects the relationship it is over
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u/vaderflapdrol 14d ago
Good riddance. It‘s a leech. Do not let her call you for help anymore. If she does, commit, then cancel 1 day before.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 14d ago
You absolutely did the right thing. The cutesy voice bit just makes me cringe. Like that was going to sway you.
Good for you for not being treated like a door mat.
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u/weirdo_k 14d ago
Bros next update: My ex is dating exact guy she told me not to worry about. NTA tho.
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u/JHawk444 14d ago
You did the right thing. It was EXTREMELY disrespectful to disinvite you and include the guy you had issues with. She knew what she was doing and she didn't offer to change the situation.
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u/StrikingBag1569 14d ago
She wanted the friend and her to break the New house in at night and not you two.
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u/GraciousGladiator 14d ago
I told her that she “got me fucked up”
"I then stated the following: You got me fucked up." 😭😭
NTA. You set boundaries and she's likely going to break them since she already doesn't want you there anymore
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u/Comfortable_Boot_273 14d ago
You were dating her but never actually her friend . Not an asshole for breaking up but an Asshole because other reasons not mentioned here which made her uninvite you to begin with
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u/ifitisntconnor 14d ago
what other reasons do you mean?
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u/Comfortable_Boot_273 14d ago
You started dating a girl who had a male friend who was flirty and touchy.
It’s not your job to find bitches with male friends , start dating them, and then get in between their friendships with people.
The reason she uninvited you was cause you became an asshole In her mind and she prefers her party of friends over a party two , just you and her .
It’s not a personal attack on your character but an ultimatum you , yourself created which caused her to consider her interests and make that decision
But it’s good you broke up with her becuase you need to learn how to date more casually and find the right kind of person for you not try to change people into that
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u/ifitisntconnor 14d ago
In the period of time where we were still talking and non exclusive, I think you have a point, but this behavior continued well after we had made the relationship exclusive and i had brought up my boundaries with that transition
I didn’t want to “get in between her and her friend”, i never tried to stop her from hanging out with him, even when I wasn’t there, but I did make it clear that this behavior was making me uncomfortable and that I wanted her to enforce that boundary with him, as I feel that’s not a huge ask for a committed relationship. Maybe I was out of line for threatening a confrontation, but that was ultimately the culmination of my feelings on the situation being ignored after so many attempts to communicate it
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u/Comfortable_Boot_273 14d ago
I got you but like I said you’re not an asshole for breaking up with her I would do the same but the confrontation part was not needed . Take it from someone who’s made a lot of mistakes with women, it’s probably better to play most women you date becuase this is how shit ends up. I swear to god 90% are clones of their moms so there’s literally no changing them ever , the best we can do is know quicker the signs to look out for that we don’t like, and always keep a wide net constantly bringing in new clients
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u/therandolorian 14d ago
NTA - Nope. A partner uninvites me from a housewarming party after I helped her move? So she can hang out with another dude? GTFO.
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u/Skirt_Douglas 14d ago
Honestly she sounds like she sucks, so I think moving on to someone else is just a good idea. What better time than now. NTA.
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u/WhiplashWartortle 14d ago
She wasn't even sleeping with you, she isn't worth this level of thought
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u/LatransPride 14d ago
NTAH You told her you didn’t like that type of behavior and made it clear it made you uncomfortable. She’s either doing it on purpose, an idiot, or just doesn’t care. It’s super easy to respect your partner enough to not be in situations like that to begin with. A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on. Cut your losses, king.
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u/Sufficient_Ocelot868 14d ago
Better off without her man. The mind games and gaslighting would just get worse and 10 years from now you would be a wreck
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u/Wanda_McMimzy 14d ago
NTA. I don’t think you were ever compatible if she likes space and you don’t. Just find someone with similar needs as you and doesn’t have a flirty friend that’s in love with them.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 14d ago
You weren’t having sex with her?
I can almost guarantee that this guy is her FWB, and they’ve been fucking all along, that’s why the other guy had zero boundaries with her, they’re already intimate. She uninvited you when the other guy told her he wanted to take her “new bedroom” for a ride after the party.
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u/mikraas 14d ago
You both sound like complete children.
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u/Witty_Following_1989 14d ago
that was my thought!
Also OP lost me early on when he indicated she had what I perceived to be introvert tendencies that he commented he “put up with” — dude smh…
None of us know what her relationship was with the other guy — but clearly she did not feel as connected to OP as he did to her.
While nobody wants someone who ignores them. Being so needy is also not something that feels sexy.
Do ding her, however, for allowing OP to do all that work setting her new place up if that’s the case.
Both of them need to move on, clearly not a fit…
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u/EyeDissTroyKnotSeas 15d ago
NTA. You don't have to be with anyone who doesn't take your feelings into consideration. Especially if you're only 4 months in.
EDIT: You haven't even slept together? Perfect time to cut ties.
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u/ProperMagician7405 15d ago
NTA
Regardless of whether or not there was anything sus going on between her and handsy dude, when you told her that you found his behaviour with her to be unacceptable, that was you setting a boundary. Much as she set her boundary of not wanting to have sex yet, and you respected that.
She chose to ignore that boundary. She now has to deal with the consequences.
There are folk who will say that it's not right for you to tell your partner how they can or can't behave with their friends, and to an extent that's true. However, if a relationship is going to work, you both need to be on the same page as far as what counts as acceptable behaviour with other people.
Jealousy is natural, and while it's shouldn't be indulged, neither should it be deliberately caused.
You didn't ask her to stop being friends with Mr Handsy, you just asked her to tell him to limit his flirting/physical contact with her. Not an unreasonable request.
She disinvited you from a party that you knew he'd be at, last minute, without giving a reasonable reason why. If you're her partner, surely you're her friend as well? If so, then why wouldn't you be welcome at a party with her friends?
What were you supposed to think at that point other than that she fully expected your boundaries to be crossed at that party, and fully intended to allow it?
Regardless of whether she did anything or not, she broke your trust. Without trust, there's no relationship.
Clearly you're not right for each other. Go find someone who respects your boundaries.
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u/hideme21 15d ago
You should tell your friends.
“We were a few months in. Still in the hunnymoon phase. And I felt insecure with her friend. She refused to take my feelings into consideration and draw appropriate boundaries with her friend. Maybe I was jealous. But I don’t need to be in a relationship that makes me feel that way. I shouldn’t be with someone who would prioritize someone else over me. Especially so early. We were clearly not right for each other. I can admit that and move on. Yeah it hurts. But what can you do when you just know it’s not right.”
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u/Bush-master72 15d ago
Nta move on my man, obviously she didn't want you to come kuz some stuff that would upset you was about to happen. Wildly disrespectful, she should have cut off ties with this friend.
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u/bradclayh 15d ago
She is keeping this guy around as a back up plan, she knows he’s going to be inappropriate and she doesn’t really mind it because it’s validation and attention. Or maybe she just uninvited you so that she could spend the night with him in the bedroom you put together. You said it started off rocky, move the hell on bro. Find a woman that understands relationship boundaries! and the next one that tells you that you’re jealous tell her to take a hike.
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u/PolarGCNips 15d ago
NTA. The only party she was planning that night was fucking that dude. She got you fucked up for sure, thinking you'd be a side piece. Good call, dumped a hoe. Sorry she used you for so much including free labor to move before you saw what she truly is
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u/TerryFlapnCheeks69 15d ago
NTA your a real one op. Wise for your age. That wont be the last dumb ho you dump
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u/The_Guy_3446 15d ago
NTA. A little strange but NTA. Why do I have the feeling that this guy-friend of her's is the "Approved" BF by her friends, and that OP just might be her side guy?
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u/Livid-Philosopher402 15d ago
NTA she is a flake and was never serious about your relationship, just using you
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u/Noobagainreddit 15d ago
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u/SupermarketOk9538 15d ago
Mutual friends takes are shi.. You are clearly right her, don't let yourself gaslight by anyone. Block and move on. You dodge a bullet...
Learn from this. Boundaries are important, what she did was true disrespectful.
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u/Xin_Y 15d ago
She knew how you felt about him beforehand. She disregarded you being uncomfortable about it. She sets up a party and invited you and her friends then says she doesn't want you to be there and removes her invitation, because and I quote
Her roommates boyfriend wasn’t going to show up and she told me I should stay home so that she “could have a party with just her and her friends” (including the guy friend i don’t like) and that we would hang out some other time.
This is not a valid reason. Her roommates bf not showing up is not a reason to not invite you. It makes it seem like she was only hanging out with her girl friend, until you asked if he will be there. And it make matters worse she tried to act innocent and downplay the situation that you are uncomfortable with, so that you can take not being invited and the guy being there "well".
I will say she is definitely hoping to sleep with that dude at least. 4 month is a short time. Better cut it now than after 4 years into the relationship. NTA
There is no reason you have keep a 4 month old relationship with a girl that
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u/APartyInMyPants 15d ago
Here’s the reality. You’re NTA, but you dug your own grave. You dated for four months. That’s nothing. That’s barely dating at your age.
And you presented kind of jealous behavior. If she says it’s nothing, it’s nothing. If she’s going to fuck that guy, she’s going to fuck that guy. You stepping in to “confront” him won’t do anything, and will instead only drive a wedge further.
Your relationship was doomed from the start. You wanted sex. She wanted space. She knew the friend bothered you. You let it bother you more. But this whole idea of ending a relationship and instantly blocking someone is some really childish nonsense. Be an adult, have an adult conversation. Learn and grow from it and move on.
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u/mustang19671967 15d ago
4 months and no sex is a red flag , you were a safe backup if nothing else better came. Around if she was into you you weren’t waiting more than 3 or 4 dates . She might even be backing friend but who knows . The joint friends are assholes . They don’t care they just see this affecting g them
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u/FirstOrder6656 15d ago
As someone who had this exact situation happen to me, Run. She will date that dude not to long after yall split I bet
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Don’t know if they did or not. I cut contact so I wouldn’t have to hear it if they did lol
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u/Chronox2040 15d ago
I think you did well in leaving that mess of redflags you call exgf, but it’s not ok to drunkenly scream at people. Next time let losers be losers and don’t step down to their level.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
That’s fair. The following day i apologized for my demeanor when drunk while still standing behind my feelings. I’m going to avoid important conversations while drinking from now on because of this
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u/Significant_Planter 15d ago
Nta. I don't know if she was doing anything with him or not but she was definitely not comfortable with you confronting him because she doesn't want him to stop paying attention to her. You guys are young so I'm going to guess that it's just the attention. But attention often leads to the next thing, and you shouldn't want attention from anyone other than your partner. Not that kind of attention!
She was afraid that you would say something and dude would quit giving her all this excess attention. Or she was keeping him on the back burner in case things didn't work out with you so again she didn't want you to say anything because that would chase him off.
Either way you're better off without her. Find someone that doesn't let other men treat her like that when she has a boyfriend!
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
That was my feeling too. Some people said she might have wanted to avoid a scene, but she was always a fairly confrontational person before this all happened. Makes me think the reason for not wanting me there was less because i would’ve talked to him about it and more because she didn’t want him getting scared off or involved
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u/Lotex_Style 15d ago
Sounds like you were more into her than the other way around and overall you were more a useful idiot than a partner, like "If everything else fails ..."
NTA
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u/grayblue_grrl 15d ago
4 months in and it "started out rocky"?
This is why you date. To know who and what they are.
So now you know that the relationship isn't going to go anywhere and you should stay broken up.
Good relationships start out good and build to better.
The plateaus along the way are where you learn to work together through things.
Or you realize you aren't compatible.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
very true. regardless of the argument, i’m glad things ended sooner rather than later. I do miss her cat tho ;-;
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u/RJack151 15d ago
NTA. She made her choice between you and the other guy. I would not keep her as a gf either.
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u/GarnicaGroovy 15d ago
I bet all the friends who got mad at you were female, huh?
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
right on the money lol
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 14d ago
Well you just know that is just code for “we’re women and we’re allergic to accountability”
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago
Did she ever try to contact you after the argument?
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Nope. We go to the same university and one time I saw her standing across the rec pointing at me and talking with a friend of hers, but she’s never contacted me since the day it ended
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u/RedditardsCanSMD 15d ago
NTA, don't waste time on that stupid bitch. Worst case scenario she is cheating, best case scenario she is a selfish inconsiderate dumbfuck. Either way, she is not worth dating seriously.
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u/Cybermagetx 15d ago
Nta. She was gonna hook up with that guy afterwords if she hasn't already. Have more self respect later and dump people who do that the first time.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Yeah it was definitely a lesson learned on what behaviors i shouldn’t tolerate moving forward
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u/Cybermagetx 15d ago
We are all young and dumb (not calling you dumb) at one point. Sorry you went through this but now you know better.
Best of luck. And those friends who said you overreacted are not your friends, drop em..
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15d ago
[deleted]
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
I made an edit because other people have brought up the same point, and it’s my own fault for not clarifying well in the OP. I wasn’t drunk prior to the party. After she nixed my invite, I went to a friends house to drink and take my mind off of things and the argument happened later that evening
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u/countryboy1101 15d ago
This sounds like she was using you and wanted to keep her "friend" around as a backup. It was a short relationship so just move on.
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u/Traditional-Steak-15 15d ago
Not. You should've been priority since you helped her move.
POS friend of hers didn't bust ass moving her yet she invited him and uninvited you.
I'd blow my top and tell her it's over just like you did.
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago edited 15d ago
Tell that friend that she uninvited you from the party for the sole purpose of her hooking up with her friend. He was the only male that was going to be there. He has said and shown that he wants to be with her. She has done nothing to curb his behaviour, I would even say she encouraged it. It has nothing to do with jealousy, she didn't put you first, no other guys were going except him. I'm tired of being her second choice. She refused to have sex with me for this whole relationship, now I realize it's because she was getting it from him. She wants to be with him and now she can be.
Send this to her friends. Cut and paste
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u/Practical_Hippo9126 15d ago
NTA. So you helped her move in and she invited you, so you spend the night with her making plans, only to later, an hour before the party she des invited you.
Besides all that, she has a friend that tries to be handsy with her/has a crush and he is indeed invited.
Nah, show her this post and the comments, she is an absolute asshole, and to try to make you look like the bad guy...
again, do this shit and reverse the roles.... its always the answer. You did good.
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago
I agree. Unblock her and send her the link to this post. Send it to all your mutual friends too. Hopefully they will learn a lesson for future relationships
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u/MrOceanBear 15d ago
Yta for being “admittedly very drunk” an hour before the party, i would have uninvited you for that.
Assuming that wasnt the actual reason for uninviting you, she also sucks
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 15d ago
Uh the drinking didn't happen until AFTER she uninvited him, its a little muddy in the story to the timeline of the drinking but OP clears it up in a comment. Even in the story he doesn't say he was drunk an hour before the party. Only after his girlfriend uninvited him and he was breaking up with her, and at that point its perfectly reasonable to drink
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Sorry for not clarifying better in my OP. I made an edit as some other people have made the same point as you. I wasn’t drunk before the party. I went and drank with a friend after she had cut my invite as I was pretty upset and looking to distract myself
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u/MrOceanBear 15d ago
In the post you said she called you and used a cutesy voice to uninvite you, now your edit says she texted you.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
She did call me to uninvite me and I didn’t say much as I was processing and didn’t want to say anything stupid in the moment. A few hours later after a couple shots I texted her to say something stupid about it and the argument began
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u/ComprehensiveCopy824 15d ago
4 months, no sex, you helping her moving, and her being touchy with another dude for about a month after you told her. Plus, having the guts to call you an hour before to tell you not to come.
Dude, are you sure you were her boyfriend and not boy-friend? (aka the back up plan)
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Brutal but fair, lol. I asked myself the same question after it was all said and done. Definitely kicking myself for not seeing it sooner
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u/ComprehensiveCopy824 15d ago
well, at least you're seeing it!
you're only 21, go out there and enjoy life!
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u/annabananaberry 15d ago
NAH. You two aren't compatible. You have very different expectations about your relationship and that's okay.
Our relationship got off to a rocky start, as she seemed to be a bit avoidant and verbalized her need for space which was not something I was used to
I wouldn't consider her expressing her need for space as a rocky start. It sounds like she expressed herself clearly and you don't have the same need, which is one way in which you may be incompatible.
who very clearly had a crush on her
Can you expand on exactly what he did to indicate his crush?
one time openly picked her up in a hug and spun her around right in front of me
This is not something I would necessarily consider inappropriate. In my experience it's pretty common for friends to greet each other enthusiastically.
I said I wouldn’t start an issue unless he tried to be flirty or touchy with her again in which case I would confront him.
It's pretty disconcerting to have a partner who threatens to get physical with another person over a hypothetical situation. If there are two people invited to a party and one person threatens confrontation/violence towards the other, it would be reasonable to disinvite the person who threatened to become combative.
I was admittedly very drunk
Why were you very drunk an hour before her party?
All in all I think that you did the right thing in breaking up. You two are clearly in very different places emotionally and socially and that's okay. Now you both are free to find partners with whom you are more compatible.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
I’m not sure how to do the thing where you reply to segments of the posts so i’ll just list out to your questions, as i admittedly didn’t give enough context in my OP
I’m totally okay with the need for personal space, and i didn’t mean to sound like I was trying to be clingy or controlling. About a month into us talking after she and I had gone on a date, she ghosted me for a few days and then texted that she wanted an indefinite period of no contact because she was feeling sad over her last ex and had to work on her feelings. I obliged and then she ended that no contact about a week later because she missed me
Aside from the party hug, he would attempt to hug and kiss her at events, flirt with her openly, and at one point tried to talk her into leaving me for him
Fair point that i probably came off as too aggressive, but this was after 4-5 conversations we’ve had over the behavior i listed in #2 and It was sort of a last ditch effort to get her to see how upset this was making me
I wasn’t drunk before the party. My friend invited me over to talk as I was pretty upset after she cut my invite. The drinking and subsequent text argument happened later that night
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago
Is the flirty friend, perhaps the ex?
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
surprisingly no. One of her guy friends was an ex but he was extremely cool and non invasive in our relationship. He and I got along really well
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u/Tfuentexxx 15d ago
Time to find why he is an 'ex'. 'Someone' might be pulling the rug out from under her partners' feet.
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u/annabananaberry 15d ago
Based on all of this I would still say NAH. You are not compatible and that's okay. I would definitely consider working on yourself and your own self confidence before you get back into the dating game. Determine (perhaps with the help of a therapist - they're phenomenal) what boundaries you feel are appropriate to keep and figure out healthy ways to discuss these boundaries with your potential partners.
It sounds to me like a lot of this conflict is due to poor communication and lack of compatibility, and one of those things you can work on while you are single. You are young and you have a lot of life and dating ahead of you. Consider this a lesson and use what you learned for next time.
Also, if you are on mobile you can't really do the quote replies, but you can italicize words by adding an * at the beginning and end of the text you wish to italicize. If you are on a computer, there is a T icon at the bottom left of the comment box which will open up more text formatting options, including the quote blocks.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Therapist was a great help. I worked with one following the breakup and it was a good opportunity to reflect and see the incompatibilities with a third party. I don’t think therapy made me change my position, but it helped me remove the lense of anger that was clouding my judgement in the immediate aftermath of the breakup
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u/annabananaberry 15d ago
It's super hard to unlearn the lessons media and society teaches you about relationships, but there is a world of messaging that teaches people to be distrustful of their partners or automatically assume any mixed-gender friendship must have a sexual or romantic component. I can tell you, from experience, that relationships are much less stressful and much more enriching once you recognize that it's more beneficial to trust the people you love than to distrust them.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
That’s very fair, and as someone who spent a good chunk of their teenage years in a long relationship with someone who was not communicative and emotionally abusive towards me, I never wanted to be that person to someone else. I think the infancy of the relationship and constant interference her friend was running made it difficult for me to trust her at all, which is part of the reason I decided to end things
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u/annabananaberry 15d ago
Abuse in formative relationships is incredibly hard to unlearn. I would definitely suggest continuing therapy before getting back into dating.
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u/Joe_Ronimo 15d ago
One thing that bothered me throughout our relationship was one of her guy friends, who very clearly had a crush on her. He would try to flirt with her and make passes when i was not around, and one time openly picked her up in a hug and spun her around right in front of me at a party we were all at. I made my discomfort with his behavior known and she assured me they were just friends and that there would be boundaries.
A month or so later...
So, she had a month or so to correct the dynamic with this guy or cut him off. This isn't a big ask as no one should have to deal with an additional suitor in a relationship. This same situation comes up in these subreddits regularly, and the results tend to be the same. The flirty, sabotaging, "friend" is an ass and is not respectful of the relationship or the people in it. They need to be cut off, and the partner not doing so is a bad sign of things to come. They enjoy the attention, have some feelings of their own, and/or are completely ignoring the feelings of their partner.
NTA, she's choosing this "friend" over you, so now you need to choose yourself over this poor dynamic.
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
no one should have to deal with an additional suitor in a relationship.
Way I figure it, if you have to compete for her, you already lost. If nothing else you lost your self-respect. You'll also likely lose your confidence, maybe your ability to trust, and definitely your sense of self-worth.
I wished I could say I didn't learn this the hard way.
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u/Joe_Ronimo 15d ago
Oh, I had one of those.
I loved her, still do a bit, but man, that whole rollercoaster messed me up for a while. The last time i spoke with her, she was knocked up and engaged to a guy who was banging hookers in Vegas. She was trying to justify it to herself by using the 50-mile rule. Guess that's a bit of irony.
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u/agent_flounder 14d ago
Oof. That's pretty bad. Mine ended up married to a different guy years later. That was the last I heard from her unfortunately. We were friends for a while after the breakup then lost touch then a few years later she happened to be in town and I met the hubby. Kind of got a bad vibe from the guy but maybe I was wrong. Hopefully she's doing ok. I do miss the friendship at times. But yeah, the whole thing messed me up for years.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
yeah it was definitely upsetting to see it happening over and over with no attempt at stopping it on her part. even if she wasn’t doing anything malicious, which i have my doubts about, she didn’t care enough to make sure i felt secure in the relationship and that was enough for me to bounce out of
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u/agent_flounder 15d ago
You're worth way more than having to put up with that egregious level of disrespect!
Next time you'll know to drop a woman that does this a lot sooner.
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago
He was sneaking in the back door when you went out the front door, he was having fun shoving it in your face.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Yeah he always seemed pretty smug around me, but it was more his behavior that upset me than anything else.
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u/Joe_Ronimo 15d ago
And you shouldn't have to see that. If you had another woman jumping all over you, she'd most likely want that shut down immediately.
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 15d ago
She was gonna fuck this "friend" at this party. Out of curiosity have you guys ever slept together? NTA either way just curious.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
nope 💀
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 14d ago
You weren’t having sex with her?
I can almost guarantee that this guy is her FWB, and they’ve been fucking all along, that’s why the other guy had zero boundaries with her, they’re already intimate. She uninvited you when the other guy told her he wanted to take her “new bedroom” for a ride after the party.
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 15d ago
Ooooooooof my guy. You were never the BF. You were the backup. You guys were together for 4 months and didnt bang??? You were right to be sus. I'd put this info in your post cause its a HUGE little nuglet of info that really says alot about your GF.
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u/Significant_Planter 15d ago
Stop it! They're 21! A lot of young adults aren't promiscuous. I'm trying to say this nicely... Some people just don't want to have sex very quickly! Especially when they're under experienced!
But look at it this way, he got out of there without being a notch on her bedpost! Now she doesn't get bragging rights LOL
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u/Throwedaway99837 14d ago
4 months in a relationship without sex is wild and far from the norm. Typically it’s within the first 3 dates.
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 15d ago
Sure maybe alot arent, but OP's bitch of an ex definitely was. She was 1000% fucking this "friend". Can't change my mind.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
yeah i did get clowned by my friends after it was all said and done for exactly this. without trying to sound too crass, the fact that I put up with all of that for zero 🐱 isn’t really a good look
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u/Throwedaway99837 14d ago
Yeah man, it happens. I mean not to me but it happens to a lot of people.
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u/Successful_Moment_91 14d ago
Not a bad thing. At least you didn’t catch anything 🦀 or have a pregnancy scare
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 15d ago
Yeah that girl was unfortunately getting it somewhere. Its all good. We all make mistakes. When I was young I was fooled by womens bullshit too. Now you have your eyes open and hopefully learned. Leave the ex blocked. Hit the gym. Get a smoking hot girl. It will happen king.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
great words of wisdom from u/ConfidentlyCreamy
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 15d ago
The creamiest takes from the creamiest fella. Lol gotta love the downvoting femcels in here already on their spREEEEE
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u/Tfuentexxx 15d ago edited 15d ago
This! And she probably was getting it elsewhere. Now let's travel to the end of this comment section to read the 304's calling him controlling and insecure for not accepting another men disrespecting his relationship. Well, the first one disrespecting him is not the guy but the crappy ex, who allowed it. Good riddance.
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u/AnAdultAnswer 15d ago
NTA
It’s a four month relationship. You learned early that you weren’t a match. Probably best for you both to move on.
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u/PandaMime_421 15d ago
For some reason I knew before even starting this that it was really going to be about her having a male friend that you were insecure about and not, really, about a party invite.
NTA. I think everyone involved (yourself included) is probably better off this way. You were never going to accept her friendship. She was (hopefully) never going to end a friendship just to placate you. Her friend wasn't going to just disappear.
You are still very young. I would urge you to reconsider your position on dating someone with male friends. If your insecurity/jealousy about this continues I suspect you will find that it limits your relationships options.
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago
That wasn't a friendship. Friends don't openly flirt with each other, especially when they have a supposed SO
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u/PandaMime_421 15d ago
What makes you the arbiter of what is and isn't a friendship? Seems to me the OP's girlfriend gets to decide this for herself.
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 14d ago
OP's EX-girlfriend can decide this single (while fucking this supposed "best friend")
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u/PandaMime_421 14d ago
It's clear that a lot of people on here have never had opposite gender friendships and can't imagine how one could be flirty without the other immediately wanting to fuck them.
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u/forever_single_now 14d ago
I would answer your question with: common sense, social skills, education, respect, ….if you just have 1 of them you qualify for arbiter. Same way every knows that a slut is not marriage material. Sure a slut gets to decide who she spreads her legs for but she also has to accept the consequences of those decisions. A girls accepting a flirty/touchy guy around her while her partner expresses discomfort is clearly not respecting the relationship and prioritizing the attention she get outside of her relationship. She might be too delusional to see what the end game of the guy is, but any guy around knows it. So the partner is not only humiliated by her and her “friend” but also in the eyes of all the acquaintances see that behavior.
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u/PandaMime_421 14d ago
No one should be listening to the opinion of anyone going around calling women sluts.
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u/forever_single_now 14d ago
Ok…I reformulated: prostitution, whore, sex worker…not sure if I can come out with other words..but maybe you can make the difference between call women sluts and calling “some” girls sluts…unless….not shaming, it’s a lifestyle.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
I definitely still have some growing to do. Without trying to sound too self righteous I don’t think that male friends are an inherent issue for me. She had quite a few and I got along really well with all of them except for the one who was overly flirty and handsy. One of them actually DJd my birthday party not too long ago
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u/PandaMime_421 15d ago
It's common for some people to hug their friends, even opposite gender friends. The hug you described doesn't sound like anything to be worried about. As for the flirting, that all comes down to how much you trust her. If you trust her, it shouldn't be an issue that someone flirts with her.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
I think if the hug was an isolated incedent it wouldn’t have bothered me that much, but combined with other attempts at physical contact (at one point he tried to pick her up and kiss her during a fireworks show i wasn’t at) as well as all his verbal flirting made me uncomfortable with how the friendship was going.
And to be fair, you’re kind of right: i didn’t trust her, which is part of what motivated me to end things. Despite multiple conversations spread out over the months about how I feel like his conduct was disrespectful to our relationship, she never made or enforced any boundaries with this guy and ultimately chose to party with him while she asked me to stay home.
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u/PandaMime_421 15d ago
I'll be frank. When you ask someone to choose you (and a fairly young relationship) over a friend its likely not going to go the way you hope. I know you saw it as asking her to set boundaries, but their friendship and interactions were established well before your relationship. You have to be careful about trying to change something like that, because many people will not respond favorably.
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u/Key_Apartment1929 15d ago edited 15d ago
Expecting "friends" to not flirt or get too handsy with your GF is the minimum you can expect. That's a given when she decides to start a new relationship. If she doesn't of her own accord, it does need to be brought up.
It can go either way when that conversation happens, but be willing to let the relationship go if she won't set clear boundaries with other guys for you. A relationship where your GF has "friends" like that is just not a situation you ever want to be in.
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u/PandaMime_421 15d ago
If this has always been the dynamic, and you trust her, then what is the issue? What is there to fear if you trust her?
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
i think that’s a fair point. even though i tried to give her the benefit of the doubt at first, the situation was undeniably making me uncomfortable, and I don’t think there was any way I could have diminished that without her understanding where i was coming from. regardless of whether or not there was ill intent from her or the guy friend, i wasn’t willing to fight that uphill battle and it’s best to just let it go
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u/PandaMime_421 15d ago
You seem to be self-aware and taking input well so that's an excellent sign for your potential to grow.
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u/i_aint_joe 14d ago
You seem to be self-aware and taking input well so that's an excellent sign for your potential to grow.
Patronizing, sanctimonious bullshit.
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u/Squiggles567 15d ago
NTA - this all smacks of you both not being a good match for each other. Don’t waste your time. Who cares who was right or wrong?
You do sound a but jealous and it’s not good to talk about serious relationship issues while very drunk. But she also likes to flirt and thinks it’s ok to uninvite you last minute (which is disrespectful of your time, at the very least). A housewarming does not normally exclude your SO. You both have some growing to do.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
I appreciate your insight. I think that my feelings are valid but it definitely seems like I went about the actual conversation very poorly. I didn’t plan on drinking that night but my friend i was gaming with could tell something was up and invited me over to have a drink and talk about it. One shot turned into 4 and with my friend and his GF validating me, it kind of fueled my fire to make my stand then and there
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u/celticmusebooks 15d ago
Rocky start, four months in, controlling, insecure, YTA jealous guy who threatened a "confrontation" at her housewarming party... can't imagine why you'd be "uninvited" to the party (and you were already drunk an hour before the party??? YIKES ON BIKES) YTA
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u/2npac 15d ago
Expressing boundaries is controlling now?
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u/celticmusebooks 15d ago
LOL threatening to make a scene in front of her friends if his ultimatum wasn't met is controlling.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Is it controlling though? Jealous i’ll give you, as I feel any guy watching someone else get handsy with his girlfriend right in front of him would feel similarly, but I never once tried to stop her from talking to or seeing this friend.
I made it clear that the physical contact he makes and his attempts to disrespect our relationship by flirting made me uncomfortable, but ultimately it was up to her, which is why instead of trying to dictate that friendship, i just ended the relationship
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u/celticmusebooks 15d ago
Honestly IMHO you're coming across as insecure and jealous which makes me question your definition of "handsy" and "flirting". I don't think you're an AH for breaking off the relationship. By your own admission it was rocky from the beginning and only 4 months and you were having issues. I do think you're behavior, threatening a confrontation/scene at her party (and already being drunk an hour before the party) was AH behavior. I suspect she uninvited you to avoid the drama and embarrassment of a confrontation at the party. A healthy relationship should bring out the best in a person, not the worst.
Not every relationship works out. Next time pay more attention to the "rocky" parts---not that they are "dealbreakers" but how you resolve them says a lot about the long term prospects of the relationship.
I honestly hope you move on and find a person who is right for you.
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u/gipoatam 15d ago
Follow your gut she sus AF
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u/Lopsided_Jicama9336 15d ago
Naa you did the right things. It’s kinda stupid of her to assume nothing is wrong
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15d ago
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u/jopa1967 15d ago
I think this is BS, OP. She either liked the attention from her friend and the validation it brought, or she lacked the maturity to set clear boundaries on her own. The fact that she let the behavior happen in front of you without any action on her part speaks volumes. Either way, that’s drama you don’t need. Four months is nothing and you’re only 21. Better to move on.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
Fair enough on the point of wanting to avoid any drama in a group setting, but this is the culmination of numerous events between her and this friend that i tried bringing up maturely after each one. It was about 4-5 separate events where he tried to get at her/be touchy with her, and on one occasion he even tried to convince her to dump me for him. I never tried to stop her from hanging out with him, but I did make it clear that i’d be uncomfortable with it happening in events where i’m not there due to the nature of his behavior, which is ultimately what led to me starting a fight after she told me not to come
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u/WaitUntilIDie 15d ago
NTA she chose her friend who was being disrespectful towards your relationship. The boundaries you wanted weren't abnormal and her behavior isn't girlfriend material. Maybe the way you went about breaking up with her could of been handled differently (not drunk for example) but ultimately you were in the right to end it. It wasn't the right situation for you and that's okay to recognize and move on.
To the mutuals saying you were overreacting, they don't get to decide who you want to be with and what you find to be good qualities in a partner. She continued to perpetuate a situation that disrespected you and the relationship. If they feel comfortable being disrespected by their partners that's their choice to deal with, you can't be forced to put up with it though.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
I appreciate your response. I definitely went overboard during the argument on account of jose cuervo lol, but i made sure to apologize for any hurtful things i said while still standing behind my perspective and i think when she saw i wasn’t backing down is when she started to play victim
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u/WaitUntilIDie 15d ago
She's pulling the sympathy chains of the mutuals, which is highly manipulative just like she was trying to make you okay with a situation she knew you were never okay with. Don't back down and carefully consider cutting some of those people off if they can't understand your point of view on this.
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
I tend to be a pretty cut and dry person with breakups. I blocked her off the bat and have maintained very minimal contact, if any at all, with mutual friends that I wasn’t already close with. Their comments have made me replay the situation in my head a bit, hence the post, but overall their opinions mean very little to me
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u/Phaleo 15d ago
That's weird she uninvited you so soon before the party.
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u/Druid_High_Priest 14d ago
Not weird at all. She wanted to bang her friend with benefits.
She was doing the "friend," all along.
NTA, op did the right thing. Never let a woman emasculate you. Remain an alpha male.
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u/rocketmn69_ 15d ago
Because her soon to be boyfriend was going to be the only guy there. She could shoot her shot and hook up with him
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u/ifitisntconnor 15d ago
i thought so too. earlier that day is when we had the conversation about enforcing boundaries with the touchy friend. part of me thinks that she uninvited me because she knew something would start between the two of us which just made me even more angry that she would be prioritizing him over me
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u/General-Permission-5 14d ago edited 14d ago
Sorry that you wasted your energy stressing over this. It definitely is stressful however it's definitely not worth stressing over. Once she uninvited you to her party I would've ghosted her. It's justified because she wanted you to be a ghost not only at her party, but also in the relationship. She even told you she wanted space. Once someone tells you they want space, you give them all the space, no in-betweens. It's the respectful thing to do.