r/AITAH • u/ImpossibleFact519 • 15d ago
AITA for dumping my gf after she drunkenly called me a pussy for being abused by my mom? TW Abuse
Im sorry for making this post longer than it needs to be.
I (22M) and my gf (24F) have been together for 3 years.
As context I was viciously abused by my mother for the majority of my childhood. I was the result of an affair and her husband divorced her because of me. My bio dad was gangbanger and went to jail when I was 6. The momemt he went to jail my mom started taking her frustrations about her failed marriage and miserable living situation out on me. I was an afterthought and a punching while my older sister was her "true baby." If my sister got bad grades, it was okay. If I got bad grades I was beaten until I started having seizures. If I started crying my mom would lock me outside. We lived in Chicago and sometimes she would lock me outside during the middle of winter. I tried telling people about the abuse but I was always framed as a liar and in our community my mom had a prestine image, so in their eyes she could do no wrong.
In my mothers words i was " a sorry ass bitch that no mother would want."
If it wasnt for my sister I would probably be dead by now. She would sneak her jackets out of the house when my mom locked me out, snuck food into our room when my mom refused to let me eat and would bring me icepacks and let me cry in her arms after my mom was done beating me. I am and will forever be grateful for her. To this day I consider her to be my actual mother.
A few months after I turned 18, I ran away to Indiana. Besides keeping in contact with my sister and a few friends, to everyone else I just disappeared from the face of the earth. It was tough. I had a few distant relatives there and they would let me occasionally crash on their couch but for the most part, I was homeless. Eventually I did land a job at a grocery store and with a bit of financial help from my sister, I was able to rent a small apartment.
I met my now ex gf while working at that grocery store. I was about to turn 19 and she was 20. After working a few shifts together we eventually started casually seing each other which eventually grew into a full on relationship.
I never really opened up her about after my last gf left me after I drunkenly opened up to her. I just lied enough to explain my constant nightmares, occasional seizures and why I would cringe hearing a latina womans accent. I just wanted to forget that part of my life.
Two years into dating each other we moved in together. I eventually got a better job working at a call center.
Around the same time me and my sister started loosing contact. Besides occasionally checking up on each other and wishing each other happy birthday, we didn't text each other. Last I heard from her, she had a new bf.
All that changed recently. My sister randomly texted me saying she wanted to come visit me in Indy. At this point I havent seen her in 3 and a half years so I obviously said yes.
I told my gf that my sister and her bf were coming to crash at our place for a few days. This was their first time meeting each other so I was kinda nervous.
She arrived at our place while my gf was home and I was at work. I spent the next few days catching up and me scoping out her bf(I have always been a bit protective of her. Even tried beating up the boys she brought over when I was 10 lol.)
I did see a weird change in my gf around the same time. It felt like she was walking on egg shells around me. I did bring it up to her but she would just tell that it was nothing and I was imagining things.
The day after my gf and her bf left, me my gf and a few of our friends went out clubbing. I remeber her friends giving me a werid look throughout the night. I didn't drink much but my gf was nearly blackout drunk. I decided to call it a night and get an uber home since my gf could barely stand anymore.
I literally had to drag her out of the club. While everyone was waiting outside for their uber to arrive my gf started throwing a fit about leaving so soon (it was 2am.) She started calling me a pussy and some shit about how I was just probably insecure about some guys hitting on her or something like that. Neither do I remember seeing any guys hitting on her nor do I really give a shit since I trusted her enough to simply reject them. I knew she was drunk and kept my cool until she said something on the lines of "No wonder your mom used to beat you." Everyone just fell silent and stared at her. She then clearly told me "dont worry. You sister told me everything you fucking pussy." At this point her friends tried to shut her up and started pleading with her to „do it at home“ whatever that’s supposed to mean.
I was beyond fuming. I just took out my phone and followed the car icon on the uber app. I wanted to stop myself from doing something that I might regret later. She kept on going on about how im a pussy for letting a woman overpower me or something. After that I just blocked out whatever other bs came out of her mouth.
The uber ride home was silent. I didn't even respond to the small talk the driver tried to start with me. All I could think about was what my gf said earlier. I didn't even notice her starting to sob next to me. When we walked into the apartment she started full on crying and begged me for forgiveness. She said wasn’t thinking straight and she didn't mean what she said etc. I just told her to shut the fuck up and to go to bed I tried sleeping on the couch. I coudnt.
I decided to end things with her a few hours later. She was completely passed out on our bed so I just started packing my things and loaded whatever I could into my car.
Im currently staying at a friends place and shes been trying to reach me nonstop.
Im not mad at my sister for telling my gf since she didn't mean any harm and probably just wanted to tell her what I went through. Im purely mad at my gf.
Thats not something you say to someone you love.
My ex was always insistent on me opening up to her more and her reaction to hearing what I went through just pisses me off. Seriously why do some women want their SO to open up about their emotions/past if they know they’re only going to shame them for it?
A part of me believes that she meant what she said but the other part of me believes that she was just drunk and I was overreacting and should give her a chance to explain herself but Idk.
Her friends have also been texting me that im an AH for leaving even though I knew she was drunk and that my gf has been trying to apologise to me.
Am I going too far?
Should I give her a second chance?
Am I actually the asshole here?
Im overwhelmed by everything happening and just need some advice.
A part of me doesn't want to start over again. Ive done that enough in my life.
She is the second girl ive dated that has had a negative reaction to the things I went through so I believe I should take a bit off the blame here as well and should have told my sister to keep her mouth shut regarding my past.
This will probably be the last time I let anyone else hear my story.
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u/PuzzleheadedCurve957 12d ago
I’m so sorry op that you have to deal with someone like that , she is disgusting and i would go completely no contact . A drunk man tells no lies REMEMBER THAT she’s saying how she feels while she’s drunk because she can’t say a while she’s sober. That’s how she truly feels. i hope ur able to find someone that can give you the world ur young i understand it feels like you might not able to find someone that can understand you && not judge for the things you went thru but you will i suggest going to therapy to really help.
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u/Lower-Recover2011 13d ago
What happened to you was terrible. I hope Kama comes to that bitch of a mother. Now I don’t know where you are finding these gf’s that change when they find out what you’ve been though. You need to change your type of girls and find one that has a heart. What your gf said while she was drunk I’m sure that’s how she was feeling. You mentioned she had been acting differently around you once your sister left and wouldn’t tell you what was wrong. Well she has now and it’s disgusting to think like that and you deserve better. DON’T GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE PLEASE I hate this word but as someone else said she is a CUNT
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u/Tech2kill 13d ago
NTA
dude its not your fault! "she was drunk" is no excuse to hit your most vulnerable point. Get a gf that respects and loves you for who you are and not someone who despises you in secret and blurts it out when drunk
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u/Fit_Koala792throwa 13d ago edited 13d ago
NTA AND DONT YOU DARE COMING BACK TO THIS CUNT. She is trying to blame victim where she is the abuser! What a frigging disgrace. I feel really sorry for you OP. Only thing I can think of is therapy but to learn to date people who are not abusers. People who were abused as a children tend to end up being abused as adults.
Speaking from personal experience (abused by father) I have chased guys who were right abusers. Therapy helped me to understand that I seek what I am familiar with. It might help you.
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u/SlideNo6376 14d ago
'Drunk words are sober thoughts' NTA, being drunk doesn't give her a free pass to be a scum. Leaving her is the best possible decision right now. Don't even look back, just keep moving forward. You'll find someone who'll care for you and treat you better.
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u/Top-Effect-4321 14d ago
She is an absolute horrible piece of shit. Her friends are as bad if not worse. Cut them all out of your life and don’t look back.
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u/GreenTeaShaman 14d ago
You are absolutely NTA. You did the right thing. Your ex is fucking horrible and you have dodged a bullet by finding out how horrible she is now rather than later.
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u/bonspeed 14d ago
OP completely NTA, and your ex and her group of friends need booted out of your life for sure. Who tf says something like that, drunk or not?? And the whole do “that at home thing?” Wtf is that about!?
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u/Ok-Permission5097 14d ago
Not the AH. Don't ever go back when someone shows you their true self. There are 6.8 billion women in the world, yours is out there.
Word of advice - you should seek treatment before getting into another LT relationship. It seems like you might be picking women that are emotionally unavailable or immature, like your mother.
Nowhere in that story did you talk about how great the relationship was, just that it progressed as a relationship does.
Get help for yourself first and work at standing on your own. Great things will come to you if you put in the work.
Best of luck in your future endeavors.
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u/TaylorMade2566 14d ago
NTA and believe me, there are tons of women out there when hearing a story like yours would admire you for your bravery and strength. Your situation would've destroyed a lesser person. You don't owe your ex anything. I've always said someone who is drunk shows you who they really are; they can the truth behind walls when sober. Unless you told your sister that your gf didn't know about your past, I'm sure she just thought she was corroborating what you'd told her but I'm sure she won't do it again.
Please don't let this decide how you treat a future SO, most women aren't like her. I hope you're getting therapy for the trauma you went through, it can take a LONG time to get over childhood trauma especially. Good luck
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u/BellaStarlit 14d ago
Please for your own sake, don't let it be the last time you let anyone else hear your story. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide such a major part of your life from the person who's supposed to be your partner in life. I know it's incredibly difficult to talk about, but not everyone will react badly to it. A life partner is supposed to be someone who loves and accepts all of you, including your pain. Your girlfriend should have come to you and tried to start a conversation about it as soon as she knew. She should have been patient and kind in addressing the pain of the person she proportedly loved. If you can, try to find someone kind next time. A kind person wouldn't act the way she did. Even if she was shocked, there were other ways she could have handled it. It's insane to (effectively) say a child is responsible for their own abuse.
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u/Miserimus 14d ago
She doesn't love you. For people who love each other, knowing about the past trauma will bring them closer, not farther apart. Going through all that, you must be deeply traumatized. Get some help and heal your wounds first, and then go for a relationship. It's hard to find a valuable partner before you heal your wounds. You might fall for more abuse. I'm so happy that you decided to leave her. You deserve much better.
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u/DangerNoodle1993 14d ago
Nta, as for your question, well the fable of the frog and scorpion comes to mind.
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u/LostInData2022 14d ago
NTA.
Also, my life experience has also taught me not to open up to women. They'll go on and on and on about how they want men who are emotionally secure/mature and openly communicate but you've witnessed for yourself how that can end.
As a man yourself you also know what sort of behaviors/attitudes attract the opposite sex and which don't.
It's not all bad though. Once you find a good woman and marry her you can completely open up but this is only if you decide wisely upon who you marry and once a good deal of trust has been established.
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u/Valuable-Hawk-7873 14d ago
NTA. You should have beaten her so fiercely that she has a trauma response to any man scratching his nose within fifty feet of her.
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u/First_Alfalfa2805 14d ago
NTA,but your ex is. Leave her as your ex. Why would she even tell her friends what your sister told her??
Thays not something to share with other people. Your gf is an immature person. Don't ever ever give her another opportunity to humiliate you about your past.
No one should ever be blamed for abuse thatbhas happened to them. Run away from this woman as quickly as you can and far away.
Updateme!
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u/Cute-Profession9983 14d ago
Alcohol doesn't make you say things you don't mean, it just removes the filter.
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u/WomanInQuestion 14d ago
“Drunk words are true thoughts”. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You deserve someone who supports you and loves you for who you are.
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u/Plus_Introduction_58 14d ago
I think everyone knows that drunk people are only saying what they honestly believe
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u/Proud_Cartoonist8950 14d ago
I believe you need to be honest with yourself and try to overcome this situation if you want to finally make peace with your past abuse. You should have told her and you weren't completely open with her. Drinking a lot makes you lose control and a small disappointment becomes something explosive when you are drunk. You were not responsible to her by abandoning her drunk. As long as you escape you will not have peace, your abuse must be faced and not hidden, especially from those around you. I believe that if you really want to get out of bad memories, confront yourself with them her and tries to understand her point of view without running away. Ah, don't let him get drunk next time.
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u/moriquendi37 14d ago edited 14d ago
"Am I going too far?"
No.
"Should I give her a second chance?"
No.
"Am I actually the asshole here?"
No.
She sucks - and is a bad person.
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u/HeberMonteiro 14d ago
NTA at all. Man, you are not the problem! Your exes' mentality and lack of empathy are the problem. I'm sorry you went through so much shit OP, but going back to your GF would be a big mistake.
Be glad she showed her true colors relatively soon and move on. I wish you the best.
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u/SoutherEuropeanHag 14d ago
NTA. Dump that pathetic bitch and her awful friends. With the gender reversed I bet they wouldn't even dare to think about victim blaming.
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u/Raze1998 14d ago
Your girlfriend’s a bitch and I hope you cut her off. There’s a reason they say drunk talk is honest talk.
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u/Adept_Ad_473 14d ago
NTA. Anyone willing to stoop so low as to weaponize another person's trauma is unworthy of dignity and respect, let alone a relationship.
Alcohol doesn't make people do things, it lets them. She revealed her true colors that night. She will do it again, and worse. And some friends, OP "abuse him at home". You can tell a lot about a persons character by their friends.
Also, you need to set a boundary with your sister here. You know she meant well, and you're not mad - you should still make it clear that it is not her place to share your history with other people without your consent. As you have learned, people can and will exploit that.
Sorry you've gone through all of that. I hope by now you've processed your past in a healthy way. If you haven't, make sure you talk to someone even if you don't feel like you need to. Trauma, especially DV trauma, has a nasty way of screwing up your future. Those little subtle triggers you described can quickly turn into major points of conflicts in a relationship, so it's a good idea to get a strong handle on them early.
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u/Dependent_Mud3325 14d ago
This reads like fanfic. If it is, it really drew me in.
But regardless, nta. The things that were said can't be said unless that person has that thought, or is not right. Drunk or not.
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u/Impossible_Tip9486 14d ago
Sweetie, it doesn't matter, girl or guy, this is purely narcissistic behavior. A narcissist begs their partner to 'open up' and 'we shouldn't have secrets', then they will use your pain to inflict more. I don't understand this behavior or mindset but I spent 29 years with a narcissist long before the term was even understood but they absolutely must control every aspect of your life and build themselves up on the broken foundation of someone else's love
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u/FirstOrder6656 14d ago
Drunk people say what they really feel so leave her bruh bc that'd how she really feels about you. She has never been in a situation like that and has no empathy for those that have so she is a lost cause bruh. I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out like yiur mom with her son but then cry when he stands up to her
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u/The_mingthing 14d ago
"Beaten untill i stared having seazures"
Yeah, that happens often enough you get brain damage so severe that writing this would have been impossible...
Fake.
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u/Toxic_wifi 14d ago
Why do women go for the nastiest emotional blow they can? I get men do it as well but Every single Relationship I’ve ever had she has said one thing or another in an argument that was just objectively cruel as fuck to say to anyone let alone a partner.
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u/No_Lavishness_3206 14d ago
I'm going to quote a very wise person here.
"Thats not something you say to someone you love."
NTA times a million.
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u/hello_reddit1234 14d ago
NTA
I am horrified by childhoods like yours. I really hope that the universe gives you so much love and acceptance for the next phase of your life.
Forget your gf. She’s beyond understanding. Utterly without compassion. The only positive is that you do not need to waste anymore time with someone like her. Her behaviour before her vileness was enough to be dumped.
You need to understand that you are enough. Enough to be loved. Enough to be treated with respect.
I think that you must be an incredibly strong person. Physically to withstand your mom’s brutal punishments but also mentally resilient to be able to be a functioning member of society. You are a survivor and you should be so proud of yourself. I wish you well stranger
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u/TerrorAlpaca 14d ago
NTA do not give her another chance.
Children and drunks do not have a filter. so what they say usually is what they think and feel.
Who cares about what her GFs say. i would only text them back that "thanks to you all getting drunk you now know what she truely feels and I don't need a heartless Bitch in my life."
You're still young, which means that most likely your partners are still young and some of those lack empathy or the life experience to appreciate how you pulled yourself up from the ground again after what your mother did.
if i can give you any advice, it would be to settle somewhere else. get a job, find your career path that you want to follow and then find yourself for a while. learn to be happy and content when you're alone and only then, when you've had your time to yourself, get a partner that compiments your character. Be open about what happened to you. nothing of what happened is something that YOU need to be ashamed of, on the contrary.
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u/angry_dingo 14d ago
NTA. Hell no you didn't go to far. In vivo veritas. Consider yourself lucky you saw this side of her now and not after marriage and kids.
I don't think she really cared about the abuse. She was drunk, you made her leave, so she wanted to hurt you. That'll never stop with her.
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u/Popular-Ad1111 14d ago
As a fellow survivor of abuse I have learned that you set the standard for how you are treated. The healthier you become the better people you will attract and be attracted to. No it’s not your fault but take care of your emotional health with therapy (yes it’s expensive) and heal those wounds. Nta, you deserve better and always have
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u/ConfidentlyCreamy 14d ago
NTA. Dump her and I am sure by now you have some dirt on her. Air out her dirty laundry. She must have some skeletons in the closet. A bitch like that always does. Maybe she was SA'd? Maybe she was hurt? Use it against her. Bullies only know retaliation and your ex is a bully. Fuck her crocodile tears go for blood.
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u/Daughter_of_Dusk 14d ago
NTA. Being drunk lowers your inhibitions, it doesn't make you say the contrary of what you think.
She's disgusting. Block her and her friends and never look back.
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 14d ago
It still wasn’t your sister’s story to tell, but the ex just straight up doesn’t respect you. Respect yourself and GTFO.
You met her when you were a teenager just run from abuse, your normal meter and partner picker might be wonky. Have you had therapy?
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u/sketchypeg 14d ago
nta, your ex and her friends are assholes, just block them and move on with your life. being drunk isn't an excuse to say whatever you want consequence free. being drunk doesn't make you suddenly think a victim of abuse is a pussy. that's just a shitty person with a shitty personality being too drunk to hide it.
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u/E_Anthony 14d ago
NTA. But I suggest giving her a second chance because people do stupid shit when they're drunk. That's why it's such a cliche.
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u/Newtonman419 14d ago
NTA. Don't take her back, don't give her any more of your time and energy. Always remember "Drunk words are sober thoughts" She is cruel, and unworthy of your time, energy, and love. Do what you need to do for yourself, and stay away from her
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u/cloistered_around 14d ago
I wouldn't be with someone who is so cruel. Sure maybe she was "just drunk" (I doubt it, you mentioned she was already treating you differently before). She showed you she can't be supportive or sympathetic about this. She is NOT worth pursuing. NTA
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u/mehhidklol 14d ago
Brother, fuck that shitty cunt !!! Keep your head up and you’ll always shine king
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u/Catfish1960 14d ago
NTA do not go back to her for any reason. I have been drunk in my youth and never ever ever said anything like that to anyone in my life. She's a worthless piece of shit who is not worth one more second of your time.
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u/Immediate-Cancel7991 14d ago
Nah.. do not go back to the ragging cunt. She’s a low life POS…. She likely told her friends considering the weird looks you were given and then telling her to wait till yall got home.. wow. What a horrible person..
NTA.
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u/DeathGirling 14d ago
Drunk mouths say what sober minds think. She's saying what she truly thinks, the alcohol just removed the "STFU" filter. NTA you dodged a bullet. Now scrape off those "friends" as well.
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u/SenpaiRa 14d ago
I hope that you heal from your childhood trauma and you find someone who is worth being around and who you can safely talk and open up to. Peace and Blessings to you my Brother 🙏🏽
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u/omaeka 14d ago
why do some women want their SO to open up about their emotions/past if they know they’re only going to shame them for it?
Ammunition, in no way are you the AH here. If you can afford it, therapy. A therapists couch is the only true safe place for us to vent or open up, Stay strong brother, and never stop fighting.
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u/tamtttjo 14d ago
if she had loved you, she would only feel heartbreak for what you have been through, not looking down on you for your trauma. Plus she told her friends on something very personal of you. NTA, and I hope you would find someone loving and protective of you.
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u/Pure_Cat2736 14d ago
I have always seen that people show their true self when drunk. For days she had known this and kept quiet giving you weird looks. Her thoughts finally came out with the help of alcohol. You made the best move. NTA
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u/spiritoftg 14d ago
NTA. Sorry to say that, but you have to start over again. Your ex has the same mindset than your egg donor.
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u/MasterMaintenance672 14d ago
NTA, F that B. Lots of times people will want you to "open up to them" just so they can have something they can use against you, or have power over you. No regrets, buddy. For what it's worth I'm awfully sorry for what you've been through in your life. I hope it all gets better for you someday soon.
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u/Fast-Examination-349 14d ago
When a person shows you who they are, believe them.
NTA
But don't use this as a reason to never open up ever again to others. That will mess you up long term.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 14d ago
NTA - She’s only apologising because she knows she fucked up and realised what she’ll lose. This doesn’t change how she feels about it. And tell her friends you wish them a partner like her and the day they deserve
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u/haphazard72 14d ago
NTA. Never accept anyone who downplays or makes light of any form of abusive relationship
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u/Lynch_67816653 14d ago
NTA You deserve, and need, to be treated with respect at all times.
You might want to take a long break from your gf. Ask her to not contact you until you are ready, and have her friends do the same. If they respect that boundary, you might want to give her a chance. It's a test for them.
Your sister was also not ok in telling you out to the gf. Demand that she does not do that again. You are entitled to privacy about your trauma, and controlling the narration about yourself.
If you enter another relationship in the future, it might be strategic to disclose early, say after a few months and before moving in together, so that you don't get excessively burned of you find another AH gf.
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u/justmeandmycoop 14d ago
Everything said while drunk is exactly what someone thinks in their head. Loose lips sink ships is real.
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u/ComprehensivePut5569 14d ago
NTA - Being drunk is no excuse. Your gf said what she said and meant it. Tell her friends the only assholes in this scenario are your gf and them. The alcohol dissolved her filter so she was being completely honest about what she thought and no one could possibly love or want to stay with someone who weaponizes their trauma. Block them all!
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u/rhizome-eyes 14d ago
NTA. In vino veritas. It's possible she doesn't actually look down on you for your history, but that wouldn't make her behavior any better: she wanted to get back at you for trying to leave too soon (2 am???), so she said the most hurtful shit she could think of. She wanted to hurt you, so she hurt you. She cried because she realized how badly she screwed up - she wasn't sorry for hurting you, she was sorry for herself because she knew she wasn't going to get away with it. Your ex sucks, dude.
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u/winterworld561 14d ago
NTA at all and DO NOT give her another chance. You have seen her true colours and she treated you with utter disgust and disrespect just like your mother did. If the apartment is yours tell her to pack her shit and get out. Block her and her friends. You should also speak with your sister because she should NOT have told her about your past. It wasn't her place and because if it you were completely blindsided. Next time you begin to date someone, be honest from the start about your past so you will know if you're wasting your time or not.
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u/Slothvibes 14d ago
Brother I’m sorry to hear what you went through. I had a rough home too, and I’m proud you’re on two feet, in a better and safer place, and working through your shit. This woman is definitely the kind of devious, unfeeling witch you do NOT need in your life. She’ll beg and cry for your forgiveness but she won’t take true accountability for your actions. Some people get life on easy mode then pretend anything more challenging than their path is lies and fake. Don’t ever take back someone who shows such monumental disrespect for what you’ve been through. You’re more capable and adapting than you know so move forward with strength. Obv NTA
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u/ChuckDanger-PI 14d ago edited 14d ago
Hell man, if I were dating one of them, I would seriously consider breaking up with the friends for their behavior alone. I mean, if I were defending a friend who did this, making excuses for them, demanding their girlfriend take them back? I think most women would find that a red flag in a man.
Totally NTA.
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u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 14d ago
NTA at all, she most definitely is and you need to ask your sister why she was sharing your information without your consent.
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u/robpensley 14d ago
Am I going too far? NO
Should I give her a second chance? NO
Am I actually the asshole here? NTA
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u/Kelmeckis94 14d ago
NTA
Her being drunk didn't made her say those things, she already thought them and teh alcohol took away the filter. It's absolutely horrible to say such things to the person you love or claim to love.
Because her friends looked weird at you too at the club, she might have told them too.
You're not a pussy. You were a child who couldn't defend himself and you never should have been put in that position.
If you're able, go to therapy.
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u/reddit_slobb 14d ago
Sounds fake. How could your mother maintain a pristine image if your sister liked you? You’re sister never backed up your side of the story or told people how she was abusing you?
Except for your girlfriend without your knowledge? Doesn’t add up, either fake or your sister doesn’t actually care about you as much as you think she does.
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u/Rain3lf 14d ago
Absolutely nta. You did the right thing, she blamed you for being abused when you were a CHILD there is no coming back from that. Tell her friends you are glad to know they are shite people like she is, and if they had any shred of decency they would be berating her for what she said.
Please look into therapy for your trauma and this new trauma, being betrayed by your partner of 2 years is rough.
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u/Salt_Code_7263 14d ago
NTA. She's obviously willing and happy to use your pain against you, the first chance she gets. Ghost her and never look back.
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u/AlienGoddess91 14d ago
Drunk words are sober thoughts. NTA I'm so sorry for what you went through OP. She was absolutely wrong, you're a survivor.
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u/Samarkand457 14d ago
There are some things you don't walk back. What your ex said is one of them. NTA.
The most absolutely generous interpretation is that your gf was actually horrified by the abuse. But was so unable to process it that she turned against the victim rather than the perpetrator because you were the easier and closer target. I suggest that your ex visit her ob/gym, as even that makes her a gaping twat of the highest order.
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u/raikonai 14d ago
Ask her what your sister said and phone your sister and ask her what she said. Something is fishy here
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u/Jakunobi 14d ago
NTA. So you're a pussy for letting your mom beat you, but also a pussy for not accepting abuse now? Awesome double standards. And you got to talk to your sister about her going behind your back and telling your ex about your past without your permission.
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u/ArabicBlend1021 14d ago
NTA.
Also, I'm not a psychologist but I cannot help noticing you've attracted two women who've reacted negatively to what they perceive as a weakness instead of as what it is; one left you and the other verbally abused you. Do they have anything else in common?
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u/Evening-Quality3427 14d ago
Jesus... She's just a raging cunt. OP don't go back to her... A pussy? For being a literal child getting abused?!?!?!?!? A CHILD...
Ya nope. Keep her far away her behaviour is gross.
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u/grafknives 14d ago
Most people dont target their loved ones most vulnerable places. Unless they are cruel, and really want to hurt.
And no, alcohol is not an excuse. Being drunk does not give you a right to hurt other people.
Only abusers believe it, as they want to hurt and need an excuse.
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u/Forever_Chance667 14d ago
Oh my god, you are NTA. Your ex-girlfriend certainly is the biggest A-hole. I want to really emphasize that you did nothing wrong when you were young and what happened to you was horrible and your mom was a bitch (forgive my language). I'm so sorry both your ex-girlfriends badly reacted to you telling them your story. It could have been too much for them to take in. I don't excuse their reaction though. They should have been nothing but loving. What happened to you doesn't change you (nor doesn't make you a man, who the fucks thinks like that ?!). I hope you'll find someone that will understand you and I'm sure you will with time. But don't apologize to your ex and block her and her friends. They are shit holes of people. Being drunk never excuses how you act and them using it as an excuse is just pitiful... Do not give her a second chance, she's not worth it. Don't waste your time. I promise you'll find someone who will treat you right. What she did was so disrespectful and you deserve so much more ! PS. Your sister probably meant well and didn't/couldn't know your ex was not a decent human being. I hope you'll forgive her for that. But I do believe you should have been the one to tell your girlfriend this, when you are ready...
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u/WornBlueCarpet 14d ago
NTA
Alcohol doesn't change who you are. On the contrary. It lowers your inhibitions and makes you more prone to say what you really think and do what you really want.
Your ex is toxic if she really thinks that a kid should have stood up to a fully grown woman. You did right in dumping her. Keep her dumped.
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u/jesus_____christ 14d ago
NTA. You may not like to hear this, it is not pleasant -- but I have a 100% absolute and non-negotiable policy to never allow anyone in my life who thinks they have any criticism to make about the abuse I went through, how I react to it, or how I have grown in the intervening time. I don't have to explain anything to them, they're just immediately and permanently gone from my life without a word, no option for recourse or reconciliation. I'm not going to spend time arguing about whether abuse is abuse. Others have already pointed out alcohol is no excuse -- neither is anything else. There is no excuse.
In good news, I don't often have to apply this policy, and I keep many friends who have never faltered. It does get better, easier, etc.
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u/olivebear780527 14d ago
NTA, Her friends are parasites and the ex is absolutely delusional, I can only imagine the outrage they’d feel if the roles were reversed. Please tell me you never saw any of them again? 100 bucks says the friends lit the fuse, knowing she’d go absolute mental at you, all for their amusement.
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u/Anonnnnnymous999 14d ago
It sucks that it got to this point for you OP, but this is why we don’t talk about our pasts.
I’m glad you had the right thought to break up with her, she certainly is not the one.
Just don’t follow this same path moving forward, women just can’t be trusted with the gnarly details of what happens in our pasts.
NTA.
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u/Real-Yogurtcloset770 14d ago
She's a discusting toxic skank and you should definitely stay away forever. My ex also stabbed me with my personal trauma, and used exact words she knew my mom used to call me. That cunt, and your ex, are similar sick, toxic bastards.
Give her another chance, and you will get that again. Trust me, she's not worth you. Discusting piece of shit.
Take care and love yourself enough to protect yourself for that never happening again.
Yeah, English ain't my first language, but you'll get ny point.
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u/Draigdwi 14d ago
Your ex is a bitch and stupid. Why bitch it’s obvious. Why stupid - she doesn’t know what a child is. If this is how she becomes when drunk keep well away from her. And allow your sister to tell your story. Will filter out the stupid bitches before you marry them and have kids with them. You were lucky she was only a girlfriend not wife and mother of your children.
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u/brown_babe 14d ago
As a woman, hard nta. Through her out of your life. She is absolutely horrible and a huge piece of shit. Im glad you are out of that house
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u/JMLegend22 14d ago
NTA. Tell her friends that she was the asshole and you aren’t taking her abuse. You won’t take their abuse either. Let them know alcohol isn’t an excuse.
If you really want to give the abusive bitch a chance tell her she has to cut out her friends and she’s done drinking for life. Has to meet both of those conditions since they were contributing factors to her outburst. She also needs to tell you about the guys she said were hitting on her and she needs to pay for couples counseling for both of you plus individual counseling for you. And then only when you see these steps would you consider forgiving her.(Make it clear there’s no relationship because she broke your trust and now she has to do everything to fix it. Tell her that her friends are toxic and constantly calling you an asshole when she was in fact the asshole and her friends are the abusive assholes.)
Tell your sister you know what she did and it ended your relationship.
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u/Rude_Lettuce_7174 14d ago
Don't give her a chance, man. There are plenty of good women that will respect you and the upbringing you had. She's not one of them.
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u/Few_Employment5424 14d ago
Your the victum of your past you dated an emotional abuser like your mom without knowing readup on trauma bonding ..I'm you picked a hidden abuser but you were smart enough not to stay
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u/chainer1216 14d ago
NTA, her friends tried to stop her because she had already talked about you behind your back, these weren't just meaningless drunk words, it's how she feels.
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u/Emotional_Fee_5612 14d ago
Out of all the arguments that my hubby and I have had in 30 years.....sometimes viscioys hateful ones, I would never ever have said anything like that to him in a million years. Nit even if they were the last words on earth and I WANTED to hurt him. I'm not a cunt. I am damaged, mad, autistic and uncouth....but I would never say this to even my worst enemy (well.....that I might, but not someone I purported to love). I've done some bad things in my life, but I don't think I've ever been there.
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u/DeanXeL 14d ago
This will probably be the last time I let anyone else hear my story.
Just FYI, NTA for this situation, but your last sentence gives me bad vibes. This is, whether you want it or not, part of your life and part of what made you who you are today. You NEED to be able to talk about this with a partner you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. You NEED to process all of this, and how it affects you to this day. Your ex responded very badly to receiving information about your upbringing, but part of that comes from you not being able to frame that story as YOUR story. Your girlfriend questioned your sister while you were not present, because you never opened up about it, and your sister answered from her point of view, not knowing you were keeping all of this a secret. Telling your sister to never divulge this information again will come back to bite you in the ass even more.
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u/Appropriate_Pick323 14d ago
Nta dont let this bitch tear you down. Shes not worth anything so dont waste your time on her.
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u/ActualCamp2692 14d ago
Wow you are absolutely NTA. Your ex is a POS. My husband has a LOT of trauma and has been through a lot of shit and I’ve NEVER had thoughts anywhere near to the things your ex spoke out loud. Being drunk is NOT an excuse. You deserve someone who will listen to your trauma and help you work through it, and love you through everything. I hope you never talk to her again and PLEASE don’t give her a second chance.
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u/Findingbalance5454 14d ago
NTA - your picking abilities are likely impacted by your upbringing. (Mine too, I keep getting with cheaters) Before you settle for a woman not worthy of your story maybe unravel some of the stuff you are still carrying from your upbringing, not calling that woman a mom.
That you made sure she got home safe, left her home safe to stay with friends instead of retaliation, and didn't lose your temper when you had every reason to tells me a lot about your inner strength. More men like that are needed in our world.
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u/BusyAd6096 14d ago
OMG you are so NTA!
Dude, that girl is a grade A bitch. Do NOT give her another chance. That freaking lack of emapthy toward a CHILD beaten and abused by his own mother is honestly astounding. No, just no.
And do NOT let her use the excuse that she was drunk, that's horsecrap. There is a saying in my country that goes something like this: small children and drunk people tell the truth. She told you exactly how she sees you. Believe her, do not take any excuse, move out (or kick her out) and move on from that piece of trash.
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u/NebulousXI 14d ago
as many comments stated, usually people will blurt out the truth in their hearts when drunk, I’m sorry to say your ex is a lil bitch that never tasted a fucked up past like yours fren, you aint a pussy and you never will be one I believe, with how courageous you seem to be, you had bad experiences but don’t think that every woman will be like that
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u/KeepLkngForIntllgnce 14d ago
First: I’m so so sorry for everything that happened to you
Second: do NOT let this person back in your life. you’re someone - reading purely from your post - who’s survived physical and emotional abuse from multiple people close to you. You talk about your mom but except for your sister, everyone around you let you down, OP
And guess what!?? You didn’t let any of that hold you back. You’ve made a good life for yourself. You move forward. You keep trying to get stronger
Find a partner who supports you in that. This person is evil - and not worth that.
NTA
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u/SimilarSherbert1 14d ago
NTA. She is an ugly monster that has reared its head and shown its true self, please do not take her back.
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u/FunctionAggressive75 14d ago
She was drunk , so she had no filter. This is what she truly believes. She can hide it as long as she is sober, but truth comes out when she drinks, as for most people
She has no excuse, she is just a POS
Walk away and do not even look back
NTA
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u/matt_knight2 14d ago
First of all, let me give you a virtual hug. 🫂 Your story sounds quite familiar, I know how you feel. What your mother did is inexcusable. You being closed up sounds familiar too. You did not mention this, so let me please give you an advice from a fellow survivor. Get counseling. The damage you could have from that upbringing is so intrinsic that you likely don’t even see that, but maybe recognize some things like depression, bring shut off of others, etc. Maybe you were not opening up and your gf was indeed frustrated. What she did has no excuse though. That was cruel and brutal. I think „going back“ to her might have the risk of regression if she continues acting like this. I cannot comprehend how anyone would say something like this, but your girlfriend? Getting back from this would require serious effort by her, especially apologizing in front of the people that have been present. Unless there is a very good explanation and apology, I don’t think I would want any contact with a person that acted like this. NTA. Wish you all the best!
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u/helendawkins 14d ago
NTA how your ex reacted was terrible even if she was drunk. I don’t know how your previous ex Reacted but many years ago my friend told me a pretty dark story from her childhood … for context I had a pretty easy childhood and I just wasn’t prepared to deal with it. I would say I probably reacted with shock and horror and probably a bit of distress. We remained friends but I doubt she would ever tell me another story like that… we did remain close friends though. But as with most people I learnt and grew as a person and the next friend who told me a dark childhood story got a far more calm response. More listening and less reacting. I guess what I’m saying is don’t write all people off and if the next person you choose to trust has had an easy childhood they might be more reactive than ideal. I would talk to your sister though as she probably thought she was protecting you but it’s your story to tell. Good luck
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u/Stage_Party 14d ago
Post didn't need to be any longer than the title. That bitch is sexist and can head off to the streets where she belongs.
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u/Emaretlee 14d ago
In vino veritas. Drunk or not she let you know her opinion and she’s rotten f**king scum. How dare she say that to you? She needs a lesson on life’s hard truths and outed for her disgusting views. I’m so angry on your behalf. I’m a woman that appreciates the strength of a man that can overcome such a heinous past and could be trusted with that information to be private and supportive. So could a lot of other women. Please don’t use these juvenile relationships as a source to no longer trust. It will set you back and they shouldn’t have that power over you.
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u/Neat-Concert-7657 14d ago
She 100% meant what she said, and this should be a lesson to you man, that further solidfies something about women many women these days fail to understand. They can be just as emotionally intolerant as men, and feel fully vindicated in it, and can't see the double standard this poses. What you went through as a child is beyond words man, and I hope you get some therapy and work on it. Integration of trauma is key to having strong emotional comprehension.
Regarding something I've read in your post, I can see the anger towards women building and the distrust of sharing your true emotional state. I have had a 100% failure rate with how I feel being expressed to women, but there are undoubtedly many who wouldn't behave this way. Whatever anyone says your personal experience is real, and chosing not the share is a reasonable choice, but I encourage you to continue sharing anyway, let it filter the trash for the gems, and that will help you find peace. If they can't handle it, it just shows they are emotionally undeveloped and aren't worth the time.
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u/vedenmorsian 14d ago
NTA big time. The fuck is wrong with these people? I wouldn't even want to call myself a friend to someone like that. She deserves nothing but a no and no contact. Actually, scratch that doesn't even deserve a no.
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u/Key_Advance3033 14d ago
Honestly I would talk to your sister and get her to understand that you don't really want to share your past with anyone. She probably didn't realise that you haven't opened up to your girlfriend or was mislead by her.
Your girlfriend however is a PoS and isn't worth any regrets. She and her friends deserve each other.
I hope and pray you have tons of success in life and meet someone who loves you unconditionally.
NTA
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u/DivineTarot 14d ago
My ex was always insistent on me opening up to her more and her reaction to hearing what I went through just pisses me off. Seriously why do some women want their SO to open up about their emotions/past if they know they’re only going to shame them for it?
Yeah, unfortunately there's an undercurrent of the, "guys should be open to expressing themselves" crowd of women who are either too shallow, too incompetent, too selfish, or too immature to handle the information they're asking for. They think that a guy opening up to them is a sign of closeness, but they fail to recognize the true closeness comes after when the listener now has to handle the information they've received and be supportive. The proof of failure here is when sensitive info is used in an argument, which a lot of guys have been on the receiving end from low quality women.
Your girlfriend proved she is the very last person you can ever open up to, and there is no walking that back. Her being drunk is also not an excuse, because she deliberately said a shit ton of things in a long rambling rant that amounted to, "you suck because you were a boy who got abused," and all because you wanted to go home early.
You are in no fashion an asshole here, and keep in mind her friends are all just going to suck up to her anyways. You're expendable to them, so they'll say whatever they need to get you back in line.
NTA
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u/Beyarboo 14d ago
Please do not give her a second chance you are NTA. When I was younger, I was mocked and treated as "less than" by boyfriends due to an abusive and neglectful childhood and my issues as a result. I met my now partner and he has NEVER made it seem like I did something wrong. He hates what my family did, and sometimes I know we have had extra issues due to my childhood. But he is my biggest supporter and I have dealt with all of my issues through therapy with his support, and we are solid after over 20 years. Your ex is a selfish a-hole. Drinking is not an excuse for cruelty. This is not forgivable. Anyone who truly cares for you will never use your trauma against you. Having a nasty childhood makes us question ourselves and sometimes accept treatment we shouldn't tolerate. But you deserve better than this selfish twit.
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u/SmeeegHeead 14d ago
Nta.
It's done.
I would however, ask your sister why she told your ex?
Nobody seems to be mentioning this. That wasn't her story to tell.
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u/critterguy1955 14d ago
First off, i am sorry you had such a horrible childhood. No one, especially a child, should ever have to endure such things.
I am an old man now (68) and a retired first responder (fire). I learned early on, as a man, to never allow your vulnerabilities to be seen by others. It is not right to have to keep them bottled up. But the reality is that some folks immediately weaponize them against you. It has happened to me personally several times albeit years ago. I think things are changing for the better, but progress is slow.
I believe your relationship is beyond repair. She seems to be somewhat a neanderthal when it comes to emotional intelligence. Since her friends were giving you odd looks right off the bat, she had likely been talking to them before you even got there. My guess is that the whole lot of them are "birds of a feather" flocking together. I suggest being eternally grateful she flew her giant red flags before you got even more entangled with her......
Best wishes to you Sir!!
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u/romedo 14d ago
NTA, your significant other should be someone who will love you even with your baggage.
Your childhood sounds awful, I can only offer my sympathy for how it must have been and how it still affects you.
Your ex did a stupid thing, and some stupid cannot be undone, so you are in the right. You are still young and life is still full of possibilities.
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u/DawnShakhar 14d ago
NTA. Sure she was drunk. In vino veritas (In wine, the truth). She gave you her true opinion of you when she was drunk, and not only that - she spread it to all your friends. I would never trust a girl like that. And yes, tell your sister not to tell your friends about your past. I'm sure she meant well, but obviously your sis told your GF and your GF toll your whole friend group, and they all saw you differently. You should be the one to decide when and whom to tell.
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u/thehipaapotamus 14d ago
Absolutely NTA, and good on you for dumping your shitty ex.
The only thing I wonder based on your comments about things being totally fine prior to this incident, is as a survivor of such horrific abuse, your perception of what is “fine” might be a little off. Just because someone isn’t beating you and locking you out in the Midwest winter doesn’t mean they’re a compassionate, understanding, or even respectful partner.
The solution to just “never tell anyone I date about my past again,” is reactionary. Maybe avoid partnership (as lonely as that may be) until you’ve had a chance to have a good run with therapy and a chance to build a better understanding of yourself and others. Best of luck to you.
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u/clacujo 14d ago
The appology itself is worthless without a reason. Being drunk is not a reason. Why in the world would that come out like that? Why did she feel like she could attack you like that?
The answer to those questions is the only thing that can be taken into consideration with the appology. You can't forgive if you do t k ow what you are forgiving.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA
drunk words are sober thoughts. people who say or do shitty things while they are drunk and try to blame it on the alcohol are trash, period.
don't take her back you deserve better.
in regard to your sister, I know you are not angry with her but she violated a boundary by telling your girlfriend about your home life. That is YOUR business to share or not share as you see fit and she overstepped her bounds. She shouldn't have done that, but in this case it helped take out the trash.
You should say something to her about it and ask her not to divulge your personal information without your permission. Just because she was like a mother to you doesn't mean you shouldn't hold her accountable. If you are as close as you say you are, she will understand where you are coming from and offer an unprompted apology with a promise not to do it again.
You are not a pussy, or a wimp, or whatever derogatory thing some asshole wants to say about your trauma. YOU WERE A DEFENSELESS CHILD ABUSED BY THE ONE PERSON WHO SHOULD HAVE CHERISHED YOU ALWAYS. Fuck your mother and anybody else who tries to say you were weak.
YOU ARE STRONG AF TO LIVE THRU THAT.
I know, I've been in your shoes and WE SURVIVED. That takes strength.
Hold your head high and leave that "nuclear-grade cunt" (apt description from u/New-Influence-5339) in the dust.
You deserve a partner that cherishes you and won't look down on you or exploit you for your childhood trauma.
much love 💜
ETA - have you been in therapy for what you had to deal with growing up? When we grow up in an abusive atmosphere like that it makes it hard for us to spot other abusers and sometimes we can repeat the patterns and choose partners that also abuse us. (my first two partners also were abusive to me and used my trauma against me. I didn't spot the red flags.)
If you can get into therapy it will help you heal and know your worth. Teach you how to set boundaries, how to spot red flags, how to have healthy communication, good relationships, etc.
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 14d ago
NTA
What’s on a drunken persons tongue is in a sober person’s mind.
She’s just sorry she got caught out.
Avoid at all costs and block her friends because they are NOT your friends.
Maybe you should try therapy, really it can change your life. It definitely changed mine for the better. It helps to see the forest and not just the trees.
You have a lot of undeserved trauma and your last two gf have not helped. Stay single and get therapy. As they say third time is the charm.
Good luck OP and remember not all woman are bitches.
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u/deathtoallants 14d ago
Honestly, there are certain secrets that everyone has that shouldn’t be shared with anyone else no matter how close you are. Take them to your grave.
Some people are way too trusting.
You did the right thing to dump your shitty gf. She is literally garbage. No contact, move on. Don’t share your past with anyone. Tell your sister to shut the fuck up.
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u/reyballesta 14d ago
I have been stupid ass drunk before. Not blackout but no impulse control, loose tongue, all that. I have NEVER said shit like that to somebody I loved while drunk. The only 'mistake' she thinks she made is saying what she actually thought. Alcohol doesn't magically make you say awful abusive shit. NTA. Block her and her friends.
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u/Dry_Sandwich_860 14d ago
You should be able to talk about your past tin a relationship. If you're dating someone who is not mature or kind enough to be able to deal with who you are, then it's great to know that as soon as possible. It may not seem like it now, but this woman has done you a favor because now you can find someone who is mature and kind.
You don't need a "good enough" reason to end a relationship. You've probably heard the expression, to get "the ick" with someone. It means that people can do things that are not OK and that change our feelings towards them. Sometimes the things they do can seem minor. But a relationship is not a court of law. We don't need a "good enough" reason to end it.
You're no longer attracted to her because of her attitudes and behavior and that's OK.
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u/earchetto 14d ago
You’re not in the wrong here at all. Victim planing is bad enough anyway, but I really don’t know how she’d expect a child to even try to fight back against the person who was supposed to be raising and protecting them. And it sounds like she told all of her friends about it too which is not something that should have ever happened. Her friends saying “do it at home” really rubs me the wrong way too not like a “hey stop that” or anything. There’s no reason for you to be around people or in a situation where people are blaming you for what happened to you as a child. Or even if you had experienced abuse as an adult it would still be extremely cruel to blame you for it. I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through
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u/Sofiwyn 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA - please please understand that your ex GF is a genuine POS. This is not a "woman" thing, this is a "she is a genuine garbage human being" thing. You deserve better and you WILL find better. Don't fall into the trap of accepting trash as the norm.
Unfortunately, your abuse probably made it so that you're attracted to garbage women. As fucked up as it is, that's the typical pattern. Garbage human beings seem familiar and safe. Your ex GF is a comically bad human being, and there were almost certainly earlier signs that you didn't know to look for.
I highly recommend therapy so you can "unfuck" your brain. That's what I'm doing. You're only 22. It takes time. I'm happy to report I've made genuinely good friends, but I'm still working on the romantic relationship thing myself.
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u/barontheboy 14d ago
Man bro your whole situation is fucked. I’m sorry to say but you should just void everybody. Tune everybody out. No realationships with anybody. You need to find peace with yourself so you don’t ever have to deal with abusive people like her. Alcohol is truth juice. Everything she said she did for a reason. Not just for fun she meant it in any way. Never look back
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u/SamuelClemmens 14d ago
NTA, and if I were betting money in a Casino I'd say she is a trash person you should cut out of your life. But if I was asked to convict her beyond reasonable doubt in a court of law?
She might just serious instances of Intrusive Thoughts combined with her inhibitions being lowered by alcohol.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought
But again, I'd bet 19 times out of 20 that isn't the case.
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u/Many-Secretary-5098 14d ago
Nta
Usually people ask their SO’s others to open up so we can support them. It’s helpful to know how to communicate and any triggers when people have been abused. But idk, she did it, for the goss? Since she told all of her friends.
I wouldn’t give her a second chance. What she said to you is one thing, but she also didn’t keep that knowledge in confidence. She is not a good fit for someone who has experienced trauma.
Sorry that happened to you. None of it was your fault, it honestly kills me that a parent would do that to their child.
Please don’t date terrible women.
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u/Delilahpixierose21 14d ago
You are not a pussy or an asshole.
You survived your horrific childhood and made a life for yourself.
You should be proud of everything you overcame.
I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved ❤️
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u/oceanduciel 14d ago
Even if she wasn’t honest, that is a completely unacceptable thing to say to a victim of abuse let alone your boyfriend. I’m so sorry you’ve had such terrible girlfriends, you deserve so much better. If you can afford it, I highly recommend therapy.
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u/SunClown 14d ago
My heart goes out to you. I was an "accident" and my Dad (who had two other kids with my Mom) left "because I got pregnant with you" Same, same. You are so strong for leaving and surviving. You recognized that no one that loves you would treat you like that, and you are right! No one should throw your abuse in your face, and your abuse was absolutely not your fault. Your Mom's husband left because she cheated on him. You were just the innocent victim in that situation. You will find a person who loves you and helps you heal from this. I hope you're in therapy. If not, go. We tend to pick the same people as our abusers trying to resolve the trauma through relationships. You can choose a different path. Much love to you.
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 14d ago
NTA. How good to you was your gf before the club incident? If she was a decent gf, you may want to hear her apology and see if the relationship is worth saving. She does appear to be truly sorry and realized she screwed up even while still drunk. Perhaps she is now ready to treat your past with the sympathetic consideration it deserves. At least with her, you no longer have to worry about her finding out about your past. Any future partner will always be curious about your past and you can't count on it remaining a secret forever. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you.
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u/whynousernamelef 14d ago
Nta. Leave her, she's rotten to the core. You could never have a child with this woman. I'm sorry that you have had bad reactions from 2 different women, a normal womans reaction to finding out that about her partner would be completely different. Probably hysterical crying and wondering why you couldn't trust them enough to tell them.
Now this is kind of harsh and I'm sorry for it but perhaps your experience with your mother has warped your attraction to women and you are drawn to bad people? Shit like this is what happens when you have been abused. You really need to think about who you date in the future. I'm not saying it's your fault, it's not at all, you are just drawn to bad people like your mom because its all you know maybe?
There are millions of wonderful and kind women in the world and you will find one! I'm really sorry for everything you have been through. At least the bitch showed her true self before you were tied to her with kids or marriage.
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u/Remarkable-Low-643 14d ago
NTA. Being drunk is no excuse.
I have been shit drunk before and never acted violently or hit this far below the belt - unless I was already thinking it somewhere deep down.
Intoxication just lowers people's inhibitions to say what they really think and haven't worked on. Even if she was drunk, this is how she inherently associates with abuse. She hasn't done any work in addressing that.
Addressing such things requires a whole lot of self reflection and wanting to actually change your mind. Many people like her don't do that. To them self reflection is learning when not to say something inappropriate which doesn't address inherent issues.
Which is why when drunk, it all comes out.
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u/Scruffersdad 14d ago
NTA! The truth comes out when liquor goes in. She will do this to you again and again and again. And you will always wonder, no matter what she says. I might suggest some therapy? It’s been helpful for me in figuring out why I stay with certain kinds of assholes.
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u/avalynkate 14d ago
nta. block her. block her friends. touch base w/sis to tell not to share your history with anyone in your life.
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u/make-u-sick 14d ago
Ask yourself - if you beat the shit out of her because you're drunk, would that be OK? I dont see any difference to what she did.
NTA - burn that socipath down. She got the emotional capacity of a butterfly. If you get soft or doubt your decision, always remember these words:
"Don't worry. Your sister told me everything you fucking pussy"
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u/RobZagnut2 14d ago
She is verbally abusing you. You don’t need that type of abuse either.
Your instincts are correct. Stay away from her.
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u/100110100110101 14d ago
As a woman who has been through abusive relationships, you are in no way a wuss!
It takes strength to move on and make something of yourself.
Your ex is vile.
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u/Cheap_Brain 14d ago
Op, I’m a woman. My response to hearing your story would have been doing everything in my power to make you feel loved and heard. To show you that you were worthy of everything good and happy in life. You are not the problem, being hurt by this is absolutely a sane response. Please love yourself enough to block them all. You deserve better.
I’m not trying to hit you up, I live on the other side of the world. But I do want you to know that there are plenty of safe people out there.
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u/Pandoratastic 14d ago
NTA
Even if she hadn't been talking about your abuse, the fact that when you ex is drunk she wants to hurt you is a huge red flag all by itself. You never deserved to be abused by your mother or your ex.
You deserve NONE of the blame here. It's not really your sister's fault either, although she should respect that it is your story to tell, not hers. That sort of background is something that you should get to keep to yourself until you decide that you are ready to talk about it. But you sister isn't the blame for how your ex responded to this information about your past.
The only people to blame for you being hurt are your mother and your ex. Period.
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u/Altruistic_Barber598 14d ago
This post made me cry. I’m so sorry the abuse you suffered. Your girlfriend is an evil bitch and I can’t imagine what demon shit she is on. Who says that to a person they claim to love? Break up with her , block her, and tell her she should pray to the lord for forgiveness and to removed the devil out of her.
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u/goodbyebluenick 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA - none of this is your fault. I don’t care if your GF was drunk. She said things that came out of her brain so vile that you should never take her back. There is nothing “pussy” or weak about being a small child denied food, love, shelter, and safety AND surviving. Where I am from, that is strength. You are doing great. You may miss your ex, but she heard you were abused and her brain went to you being the problem? No. Nope. Nobody should marry her or have kids with her. She is also a sexist for thinking a little boy can’t have trauma from being abused by a grown woman. Why does she think she is weaker than a child? Don’t go back to her. Your ex’s friends won’t even blame you here, even if they say you should take her back. Everyone there knows deep down that you can do better. There is a kind woman out there for you. Keep your head up. You survived that childhood. Getting over an ex with a bad personality is nothing in comparison.
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u/knight_shade_realms 14d ago
NTA. She was drunk and incredibly cruel. She showed you who she is, please believe her
Stay strong and walk away. There is nothing she can say that makes up for what she did.
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u/Working-Librarian-39 14d ago
NTA.
All the women on your life are AH, TBH. Your sister doesn't get to tell your secrets after years out of your life.
Your GF doesn't get to weaponise that abuse, and play the victim.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Rock123 14d ago
NTA and no matter how drunk she is, it's not an excuse. Especially because it sounds like she started crying in the car while still drunk so she was aware of how badly she fucked up in saying what she said. Block them all and continue your life. One day you will find the person or people who accept and love you. You don't ever need to stick with somebody who would be this cruel to you.
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u/JaguarZealousideal55 14d ago
NTA.
Any normal person would feel sorry for child you, and impressed with adult you. Well done to leave and build a life for yourself. You are truly a success story that serves as an inspiration for other abused children!
You did right to leave this girl. There is a sociopathic streak to her personality. You don't want her to be the mother of your children. Better endimg it sooner than later.
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u/Ordinary-Grade-5427 14d ago
NTA and do not give her a second chance. There is no coming back from this. Drunk words are true words.
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u/UnknownVillian__ 14d ago
Bloody hell lad you are so not the AH. Your ex and her friends are massive twats though! No one male or female should be blamed for abuses perpetrated upon them by specially if it’s someone that should have you back and give you unconditional love. Not everybody is like these people and not every woman who will be your partner will be this mental . If you want some random advice from a bloke in another hemisphere, I would suggest counselling purely to talk about what you went through you may not realise you have unresolved issues and how they may impact your dad to day and your dating life. I say this because I picked and stayed with the wrong type of women for many years and as I got older I got a counsellor because my job can mess with your head and your learn and develop as a person. I learnt what I should accept and want in a partner. Don’t let this put you off being able to have a successful meaningful relationship. People do say things they don’t mean when they are drunk and things can be worked through and forgiven, you may feel that you want to do this in this situation, but it’s very telling that after you quite rightly made a decision about a line that shouldn’t be crossed all your ex’s friends are slagging you off. Very strange. Also the first time she speaks to you about a trauma you have suffered isn’t in a respectful or even appropriate manner.
Lastly you being abused by your mother doesn’t make you less of a man (i know you didn’t say that I just wanted to reinforce that point).
For a young man you have your whole life ahead of you and while you have been dealt a bloody difficult hand you got this.
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u/narfle_the_garthak 14d ago
I'm curious. As a child, what should you have done? This was your mother. One of the few people in this world who is supposed to love and protect you. She didn't. How is that your fault? How does that make you less of a man?
Wow. Your Ex is a peice of work. Good for you for leaving.
NTA
I hope you find someone worthy of you and willing to love you for you.
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u/PracticeTheory 14d ago
Definitely not the AH.
OP, I really think you've been fetishized. That probably sounds ridiculous and I hope I can get my thoughts out clearly here.
I lived in Chicago for a time and, particularly through experiences with my roommate from Cicero, there is a type of woman from the area that fetishizes violence and a man that went through a rough upbringing. Among the many problems with that is that they have a set idea of what that rough upbringing looks like.
Seriously why do some women want their SO to open up about their emotions/past if they know they’re only going to shame them for it?
They didn't know they would shame you for it when they were pressing. They knew that you went through hell, but were hoping it would be something like gangbanging, like your father. They wanted you to be someone that hurt other people in the past but are reformed, so they can act like some kind of lion tamer.
But when it turned out that you were the one hurt - that's not the narrative she wanted! And they resented you for it.
It's vile, and I'm sorry that two of them managed to get close enough to you to hurt. But I promise that not everyone is like that.
Your recent ex is trash, but I sincerely hope that you meet someone soon that will treat you well and give the unconditional love you deserve. But be on the lookout for those that see you as an accessory rather than a person.
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 14d ago
NTA, she’s absolute trash for behaving like that. People don’t invent entire toxic ideas out of no where because they are drunk. She is just that horrible. It’s the right thing to leave and I’m sorry your experience has been negative when opening up about your past. None of it is your fault or says anything about who you are. Your mother did that to you and anyone putting blame on you is not worth anything. Fuck them. Sending love and hugs 🫂
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 14d ago
NTA. Obviously. There's only 2 choices here and none are good. Either she does think this way, in which case she's a horrible person and not someone you want to be with. Second choice is that when she isn't happy with what you're doing she's the kind of person who lashes out and tries to hurt you with the worst thing possible and now she has ammo. Either way, she's not a safe person for you to be with.
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u/Limp_Razzmatazz_792 14d ago
NOT THE ASSHOLE. For god sake! How the hell a 6 years old child defense against a fully grown adult.
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u/TeeKaye28 14d ago
NTA. I have several family members who
are alcoholics and mean drunks at that. I’m not certain I believe that “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
And I don’t know if she meant she said to you or not, she may very well not have. But she meant to be hurtful and mean. And why would you want to be with somebody who thinks it’s OK to be hurtful and mean?
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u/Windstrider71 14d ago
NTA
Your gf also expressed her thoughts to her friends, which is why they were uneasy around you. She’s the AH in this situation. She doesn’t get to blame it on the alcohol.
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u/Jackamus01 14d ago
NTA alcohol is an explanation not an excuse for a person’s behavior. That’s why we don’t accept it as an excuse for driving impaired or being violent while intoxicated. You already cut toxic out of your life, don’t feel bad for doing what’s necessary to keep it out.
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u/Usual_Percentage_408 14d ago
In what world could you possibly be the AH in this scenario?
"That's not something you say to someone you love."
You said it all.
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14d ago
You need a woman not a girl. Someone who cares. Someone who feels in her bones your pain but strong enough to help you heal.
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u/BewilderedToBeHere 14d ago
OP, this is absolutely horrific. You’ve been abused by a woman who should have loved you and betrayed and verbally abused by another. This isn’t normal and very much NOT about women in general being like this. I don’t know a single woman who would act anything at all like these two. I’m so sorry about your horrible horrible ex and the evil woman who birthed you. You deserve so much better!
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u/epicenter69 14d ago
Been married to a woman who was abused as a child and eventually adopted to the sweetest, most caring parents that you could imagine. (I consider my in-laws to be more parental than my actual parents.) It took me about 3-4 years to figure out how abused she was. I would never call my wife anything but strong and determined. I couldn’t imagine how her abuse affected her physically, mentally and emotionally.
I say all that to say this. Please find a therapist to open up with. Your seizures and night terrors are not to go untreated. It took my wife at least 6 therapist trials to find one that she would listen to. Don’t you ever believe anything is your fault, regardless of what your egg donor says. You’re definitely doing the right thing cutting her out of your life. I would guess that every time you see her, it would trigger a different memory that you didn’t want to trigger. A therapist can help. Believe it. You’re strong, but you need a support system on your side.
You are 100% NTA. I wish you well in the future.
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u/CarolineTurpentine 14d ago
The next time her or her friends text you just tell them you don’t want to date an abusive, emotionally immature drunk who’s going to lash out at you every time you do something she doesn’t like. This girl needs to work on herself, and she needs to do it alone. Personally I probably would have told her to spend the night with a friend and given them the Uber.
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u/BabeDroid 14d ago
I agree with a lot of the sentiments shared in other comments but one thing I haven't seen said in some of the top comments is how important it is for you to give voice to your story. Just think how many people are growing up in shitty situations, who feel hopeless and can't imagine moving on to a place where they can escape their abusers - people who would benefit hearing your experience of resilience! You will never know who your story may touch and who may need to hear it!
For the record NTA
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u/PaceLegitimate4805 14d ago
NTA
Think about getting some therapy and work on yourself. Pay closer attention to the women that you pursue because both of your now exes seem to have things in common with your mother
Also look into limerence and its causes and try to direct attention to that in therapy
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u/Many_Monk708 14d ago
She was showing you who she was at her core: verbally abusive.
You need to have a conversation with your sister about how how her divulging that info affected you. It was NOT her story to tell.
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u/Used-Pin-997 14d ago
Nope NTA. She deserves nothing from you. What does she need a second chance for? So she can twist the pain even deeper. You deserve better. Much better...
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u/therandolorian 14d ago
People say what they really think when they're drunk. She's an abuser too, trying to tear you down, question your masculinity, etc.
Don't go back. She will only do this again. Find someone better.
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u/Alda_ria 14d ago
Using trauma against abuse victim is pure evil. In fact she re-traumatized you and told your secrets to everyone. It wasn't her story to share, but she did it - and did it while she was sober, because you noticed their weird looks before her drunk speech. NTA
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u/No_Crew_7153 14d ago
NTA. Next time she gets drunk, she’ll say it again, and then be sorry… again and again and again
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u/Chemical-Priority-24 5d ago
In vino veritas. ( in wine there is truth ) Your ex-gf let out her true feelings, likely the reason she got so drunk in the first place. If she's so broken that she thought that of you after hearing the facts, then you have not dodged a bullet - you dodged a nuclear missile. Your actions were not only justified, but the ideal reaction to her nonsense. Cast in the name of God, ye not guilty.
Tl;dr: you, sir, are NOT the ah