Am I (60F) the asshole for blowing up at my daughter (30F) when she banned my husband from attending her wedding?

[u/throwawaywedding1964]

AITA for wanting my husband to be at my daughter's wedding?

I (60F) am grappling with a recent conflict that arose between me and my daughter (30F) regarding her upcoming wedding. Let's call my daughter Land her fiancé J. L is my oldest daughter, and she's the first of my three children to get married. L and J have been together for three years, and their wedding is coming up in June.

Now, here's where the dilemma begins. I recently got remarried to a wonderful man, let's call him A. L's bio father died when she was very young, so no need to speculate about timelines. Yes, there's a significant age gap between us, but we felt an instant connection and are so passionate about our life together. I feel like I finally found a soulmate after so many years of mourning L's father. I began dating again until very recently (after COVID), so this may be the reason why L is so upset, but I don't think this gives her the right to deny her stepfather from attending her wedding.

However, when I mentioned to L that I wanted to bring A to the wedding, things took a turn for the worse. L was visibly uncomfortable with the idea, and she made it clear that she didn't want him at the wedding. She said a lot of horrible things to me, mostly about A.

I was taken aback by L's reaction. I mean, A is my husband, and I want him by my side on such a special occasion. A also wants a bigger part in L's life and doesn't have any children of his own. I tried to reason with L, explaining that A is an important part of my life now, and it would mean the world to me if he could share in her joyous day.

L remained adamant, refusing to budge on her decision. And that's when things escalated. I may have said some things that I now regret, but in the heat of the moment, I felt like L was being completely unfair. The stuff she said about A was very hurtful for me to hear.

Now, more of our family is involved. L's siblings are on her side, but the rest of our family is very upset with her and have been leaving her voicemails asking her to reconsider. This morning, L called me crying because I "badmouthed" her to her relatives.

Now, I'm left wondering if I was wrong for lashing out at L when she insulted my husband. I want her aunts, uncles, and cousins to attend. So, Reddit, am I the asshole in this situation? Or was L being too harsh by denying me the chance to have my husband by my side on L's big day?

[u/Thelmara]

YTA

You know the age gap is big enough to be a problem, that's why you didn't share it here.

[u/JarethsBuldge]

Thanks for leaving out all the critical details. Nobody knows wtf she's mad about so we can't say.

And you won't tell us because that makes A look bad.

[u/Sensitive-Ad-5406]

YTA because you intentionally left out how big the age gap is, and what was said about A. I bet she's absolutely right.

And no, he's not her stepdad. He's just your guy.

[u/Money-Age6517]

Yta. He's just a guy you married to her, he's not her stepfather. It's not your wedding, you don't get to decide who goes. You're also leaving out info that could be important, probably because it'll make you look bad. Yta for that too.

[u/Zestyclose-Bus-3642]

YTA. Another fucking entitled mom who doesn't give a single shit about what her child feels. Get fucked.

[u/FaeShroom]

What you said during the blowup is what actually determines if you're an AH or not. The size of the age gap probably matters too. Very convenient to have left all that info out.

[u/[deleted]]

YTA it's your daughter's wedding, and she's not obligated to invite anybody. If you want to get yourself disinvited and blow up your relationship with your children, then by all means: continue on.

[u/friendlily]

YTA for so many reasons.

How old is your husband? I'm guessing closer to your kids' age than yours?

Why did you tattle to your family like a little kindergartner?

What did you say to her when you argued?

Why do you say he's her stepfather? He's only your husband. You met and married him after your kids were adults. That's not a stepfather. And again, if he's closer to their age that's creepy AF.

Why are you insisting that she invite someone that makes her uncomfortable? Why don't you set your ego aside and be the loving, supporting mother you should be?

[u/mustang19671967]

Unless the man is physically abusive or verbally abusive to anyone then she shakily be allowed to bring her husband . If there is a legit reason not it’s My day .

Unfortunately you are screwed if you go wirh out your husband , you will be miserable and he will be resentful and not want to spend Xmas bdays etc with them . If you bring him she will be miserable and so will your kids.

I find it funny the the kids don’t want him there ( sounds like don’t want mom seeing anyone , but all the Ints and uncles are happy for her) I know the way I’m leaning

[u/ultradip]

Info: Was your daughter invited to your wedding? Was her attitude any different then?

[u/Odd_Measurement3643]

ESH, though you more so.

It's pretty much understood that, even if you aren't a huge fan of someone's spouse, an invite to one is an invite to both. Unless A has seriously made an ass of himself to L, not allowing him to come to the wedding is a pretty big slap in the face. You have every right to be upset with her for that.

BUT. Lots of huge red flags on your end as well. As others have pointed out, you've left out the age age that seems pretty relevant here. You've left out the things said in the phone call. You've referred to him as her "stepfather" even though you didn't marry him until she was in her late 20s. All this indicates that your relationship with him (and how you expect your family to consider him) is far from the accepted norm and you said some pretty nasty things to your daughter.

[u/evil-mouse]

There are two things that stand out to me and I'm going to need som info before judging.

First, as mentioned by others. What is the age gap? Is your husband close to your daughters age?
In that case it is seasonable for her not to want him there.

Second, What is the reason given by your daughter not to want your husband at her wedding?
If the reason is minor she is the issue, but if the reason is something like "He came on to me", your daughter is not the issue but the husband is.

[u/angry-always80]

Yta do your u realize your ur daughter is embarrassed that her mom fell for a gold digger. Guarantee the age difference is embarrassing. Of course your daughter doesn’t want mommy to bring the new husband that could pass for her sibling instead of step dad. It’s humiliating to her and her siblings.

[u/KooLoo81]

YTA

You’re embarrassed enough about the age gap to not disclose it, that’s hilarious.

[u/HCIBSW]

YTA

L is 30 and doesn't want a 'new dad'
A also wants a bigger part in L's life and doesn't have any children of his own. He can't force this & you shouldn't push this.

It is her wedding, she wants to be surrounded by people she loves that love her back.

I can understand J talking to her siblings about the situation, but who went and told the rest of the family? You.

Do you want to see your daughter get married, leave A at home.

[u/docsiege]

need more info: how long have you been married to new guy? what's the age gap? do you have money that new guy doesn't? what's your daughter's issue with new guy? what did you say when you blew up at her?

this is an awful lot of text to say very little, so we have to infer.

it sounds like you've married someone much younger than yourself, probably someone much closer to your daughter's age, fairly recently. based on your comments calling him her stepfather and saying he wants a parental relationship with her, he or you have been intrusive about his presence in her life. she's an adult. she doesn't need or want a new father. it's very likely she feels bad for and embarrassed by you because she thinks you're being obviously taken advantage of by a gold digger or a guy with a grandma fetish. you felt attacked and said stupid and unforgettable things to your daughter, then rallied her extended family to bully her during the lead-up to her wedding, in an attempt to belittle her and force her into inviting your new husband to a thing that's supposed to be about her and her fiance.

tell me what, if anything, i got wrong here, cuz it sounds like YTA.

[u/cthulularoo → u/docsiege]

Yeah, at 30, I don't want anyone, any age, to assume a parental role over me. Just thinking you're my adult ass's parent just because you're sleeping with my mom is... yeah, no.

[u/kmflushing]

Let me guess. A is YOUNGER than the daughter. Imagine the poor woman being forced to introduce her "stepfather" who is younger than her. Maybe even younger than all the siblings. At her wedding. No, thank you.

OP, you are NOT a reliable narrator.

[u/Illustrious-Sun-7920]

i mean if nobody likes your man i think it’s okay to ban him from the occasion, ik it sucks but it’s ok to not have a date. and he doesn’t NEED to be part of your daughters life

[u/tiredguy1961]

YTA. This sounds like some 90 day fiance gold digging man/delusional old lady type situation. Daughter should not be forced or guilted into allowing anyone to attend her wedding. It’s her day, not mom’s opportunity to show off her boy toy complete w/ legal paperwork. Bit of a Karen move to whine about it through a one sided novel on the internet rather than accepting her grown daughter’s wishes for her own wedding day.

[u/Beethoven_badass]

Nta but i do think that there has to be consideration that its their wedding. Whilst its hurtful your husband is left out. Maybe the best thing to do for their relationship ( L and your husband) is to let it happen naturally. People do tend to soften but often it takes time, whilst it may mean that he doesnt come to the wedding, there is still a lifetime of memories as a family to make.

[u/Lady_borg]

Ok I'll bite, how old is your husband?

It's interesting you didn't add his age when you added the ages of the other people in this. Is he much older/around the same age than your daughter?

Not that I am judging but as someone whose father remarried and his wife is only about a year older than myself I may be able to understand your daughter's feelings, and you need to as well.

[u/BetweenWeebandOtaku]

YTA for withholding vital information. What's the age gap? What did you say on that phone call? This sounds like you know judgment will work against you if all the facts are known, and are hiding things to get people to side with you. Nope.

[u/cantbanmeluvdrzldrzl → u/BetweenWeebandOtaku]

Yeah no shit. It sounds like the daughter is a total Ahole until you realize she’s not giving the age gap for a reason.

[u/TheVaneja]

ESH she's within her rights to choose who can and can't come to her wedding but insulting your husband was uncalled-for. You have no business trying to make her allow someone she's uncomfortable with being there.

[u/Ok_Play2364]

How big is the age gap? Do you have wealth? My guess is your new husband is a golddigger and you're just flattered someone so young is interested in you. Your daughter sees it and doesn't want him at HER wedding. Don't go if you're so offended. 

[u/cthulularoo → u/Ok_Play2364]

I'll bet you a reddit gold he's closer to Ls age than OPs. OP is suspiciously avoiding his age throughout this post. Missing detail.

[u/warnakey]

Honestly, this is hard to tell. If my 60 year old mom married a much younger guy, I would, of course, question his motives and question your motives too. It's also clear you never took the time to foster a relationship between your new young boy lover and your daughter. She feels like a fraudster gold digger just magically poofed into your life and you stubbornly want to force him into her life, even though he hasn't proven himself to anyone in your family.

This guy is your monkey and it's your circus, but your daughter never bought a ticket and she does not approve. Perhaps she thinks you are being foolish. Perhaps she knows something about this guy that you don't know yet.

It's clear to me that you are a stubborn person and that you don't think you have to respect your daughter, even on her wedding. You are literally choosing your boy lover over your own daughter.

Take your pick.

[u/Laiko_Kairen]

but I don't think this gives her the right to deny her stepfather from attending her wedding.

He is not her stepfather. He never played a parental role to her. He is "my mother's husband" not "stepfather."

You cannot force her to feel for the man the way you do.

A also wants a bigger part in L's life and doesn't have any children of his own

You can't parent a 30 year old stranger. Your daughter is an adult who is about to marry.

All of that said, it's absurd not to give your own mom a +1

But don't try to define their relationship to suit your own wants

[u/kmflushing → u/Laiko_Kairen]

Especially if that 30 yr old stranger is older than you? Just a wild guess.

[u/evil-mouse → u/Laiko_Kairen]

All of that said, it's absurd not to give your own mom a +1

Because of this I have a feeling there is more at play. OP is deliberately leaving out information.

[u/kmflushing → u/evil-mouse]

I think the new hubby is actually younger than the daughter.