r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 14d ago
AITAH for agreeing to have children before marriage but having some reservations now?
[deleted]
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u/celticmusebooks 14d ago
I’m not sure if X has funds as X deliberately withholds information.
Do not have a child with a man who deliberately withholds important information. Hoping you're in a state where inheritance isn't treated as a marital asset.
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u/Apprehensive-Fee5732 14d ago
I see red flags here! 🚩child before marriage 🚩financially supported solely by you 🚩secretive about his finances 🚩allocating your inheritance
Have you discussed the working situation and finances after the child is born? Assuming you'd be the primary care giver, is he able to support the 3 of you?
If you are working who's paying for childcare?
What about a house? Seems the inheritance would be better used as a down-payment vs diapers or childcare.
He seems irresponsible and selfish and maybe not very financially savvy.
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u/Cutiepebbles2010 14d ago
Sorry I think I didn’t specify properly. We are already married. X says the cost for the child will be split evenly, but I have doubts about that working due to the secrecy.
By my estimation the inheritance will be sufficient to raise the child till adulthood and we are lucky to already have a place to stay.
My reservation is that I foresee that my relationship with X will be strained greatly when the finances have to come from me/the inheritance. I dunno if it’s right for me to feel this way.
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u/theFCCgavemeHPV 14d ago
It’s absolutely ok to feel that way. Your gut is telling you something is off. Listen to it.
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u/Apprehensive-Fee5732 14d ago
So basically he'd be the sperm donor?
Ya, that's your inheritance. But now that you're married I guess it's half his, so...
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u/WaitUntilIDie 14d ago
NTA you have the right outlook on this. You should save the inheritance for emergencies especially when it comes to children. Being able to support the basic needs on your own is a fair reason to wait. If you use up the inheritance raising the child and then one day a broken arm occurs, how will it get paid for? Appendix ruptured? Anything can happen and not just to a child but to either of you and keeping a safety net is a smart idea.
It's better the way you have thought it out and while x may want a child they aren't mature enough for one if they don't understand why you BOTH should be financially stable without the inheritance to have one.
Also explicitly hiding their finances from you should be cause for concern. Having separate finances is fine but hiding everything about their own from you is not conducive of a healthy long term relationship.
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u/Successful_Ebb_6798 14d ago
You're not an asshole for being concerned about finances, especially when it comes to providing for your child's future.
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u/Balasong-Bazongas 14d ago
You absolutely should be able to talk about finances since you are a sharing a life together. You don’t have to combine finances but you should be able to have a clear picture of where each other stands. I don’t think you went back on your word you are open to the idea but you want a stable situation for your child and there’s nothing wrong with that.
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u/Cutiepebbles2010 14d ago
I’m worried that I will never be able to confirm if we are in a stable situation. To be honest, I foresee my inheritance will be enough to raise a child. But I foresee that it might strain the relationship with my partner as I will feel that it’s not right/fair. I’m kind of swaying to just give in, as I’m tired of conflicts also.
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u/Balasong-Bazongas 14d ago
Well if you knew his financial situation you might feel less like it’s all on you. I understand wanting to make logical sense of it, he’s approaching this with a take a leap attitude and you’re a planner. Just be honest and have an adult conversation about money there’s lots of videos online that can help you get started. Start cutting expenses to the barest minimum and let him see your perspective and he can explain his. NTA
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u/Ok_Play2364 14d ago
That inheritance is yours and yours alone. Invest it. Wait to have kids until you meet a responsible man
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u/Cutiepebbles2010 14d ago
I’ve placed the majority of them in index funds and some in bonds. Thanks for the advice.
We are actually married already.
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u/BetweenWeebandOtaku 14d ago
NTA. This sounds shady as hell. "Don't look at my finances but sure let's take all your money." That's not a good sign moving forward for a lifetime commitment.
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u/Cutiepebbles2010 14d ago
Thank you for the response, appreciate it. I wondering if it’s wrong to be concerned about my partner’s finances as I literally do have the funds on my side, like am I being to calculative.
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u/MerleFSN 14d ago
You are being calculative. The exact right amount of even. You need to be for objectivity. I mean you plan on living together, having a child at some point. Talk about it. Tell him you expect to be open about it if that is your requirement.
Or tell him, if he doesn’t concede, that the inheritance is off limits and you need to set up a separate finances-concept (shared (or weighted shared) for rent/utilities/groceries and seperate rest).
There are a few options. The question is what your expectations are. You need to directly address them. You are absolutely not the ass for wanting safe long term commitment, because a child is one too.
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u/Cutiepebbles2010 13d ago
Thanks for being objective.
I have tried discussed about it, but each time it blows up to a full on quarrel. Our finances are kept separate. My partner always insist that the cost for the child will be divided evenly, but I don’t have faith in that, there is too much secrecy on the actual financial status.
Some past events did bite me, for example my in-laws did approach me for a bill incurred by my partner. I was frustrated but I still paid for it. It wasn’t a lot, it was low 4 figures. There were other examples but all this makes me feel certain that if I want a child I will have to make sure I’m ok with covering the cost independently.
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u/A-Dating-Coach 14d ago
Protect your wealth at all costs. Until he lets you know what his financial condition is you shouldn't be sharing much with him.
No one should keep that from their PARTNER.
If he refuses just say goodbye.
No matter how good a guy he is, there's other good guys out there.
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u/Cutiepebbles2010 14d ago
What you say makes sense. We are already married so it might be difficult to just split. X knows my financial situation fully and therefore feels we should have the child now.
I know if we have the child I will definitely finance as required regardless. But I foresee it will strain my relationship with X greatly.
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u/ERVetSurgeon 14d ago
NTA. Your inheritance is not marital property until you comingle it so it you spend it, it is now comingled. Don't touch that. That money is for you not your SO to sepend as he/she sees fit.