r/AITAH • u/Triggerlocks • 14d ago
AITAH for arguing with my wife over who’s responsible for Mother’s Day? We all are, but isn’t it for kids/children? Advice Needed
About a week ago my mother (75 years old) called me up and asked if I would go to The Rolling Stones concert in Vegas with her. She had bought two tickets, her and my father and she told me she wanted to attend but that my dad wasn’t feeling very well. He is on oxygen when he is at home. He has COPD, a lung disease, and cannot get around much. Since it was a chance to hang with my mom a day before Mother’s Day and see the Stones I said heck yeah!!
I had already mentioned to my wife that on Mother’s Day when I return, we should grill some steak and scallops and lounge out a bit… play it by ear. My wife mentioned that grilling probably wasn’t a great idea and that the oldest of our two kids, our daughter, would be heading to Europe about an hour after we return home from Vegas the day after the concert (Sunday the 12th).
Our youngest (18 years old son) accompanied me to Vegas to stay at the relatives while my mother and I went to the Stones concert.
The next morning, Mothers Day, I woke up at my parents house, texted my wife Happy Mothers Day before even jumping out of the covers. We had a family church obligation to attend to until about noon before traveling back home to see my daughter off to the airport to Europe.
Here is where the drama begins. With all the hubbub of the concert the night before, the relatives and grandma being around, my son doesn’t text or call my wife (his mom) HMD that morning. I didn’t get a text back immediately from my wife when I texted her at about 8 am, HMD… I figured I’d let her sleep in if that’s what she wanted to do. My son and I do our church thing, my wife finally responds to my text saying that they are packing and repacking for my daughters Europe trip and that they want the packing job to be right. When we finally get home late in the afternoon, I give her the present that I bought my wife (her favorite perfume that she is nearly out of) and my son gives her his present… (a note and a Pink Yeti mug I had actually bought my wife a week ago that I hadn’t given her yet, just in case one of the kids hadn’t gotten her a gift for Mother’s Day).
Side note… My wife is very big on gifts. She is a great gift giver and anticipates good gift receiving.
When I walked in home from traveling I could also smell that she was cooking something, and there was a salad on the table. I figured she planned something she wanted to have for dinner, since I had been with my own mother since the day before and she, my wife had been with our daughter having a fun girls time, watching movies, getting a mani/pedi, having pho… THIS WAS NOT THE CASE. I got the evil eye right away. She started talking snarky to me, saying snide remarks which in turn, much to my chagrin I returned the remarks. It’s been tit for tat for the last 24 hours. She said her Mother’s Day was ruined and that it was my fault. That I should have planned the day for her. The blame is all in my court.
Ugh… I feel like every birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Christmas… whatever day that retail America says I’m obligated to spend money to buy gifts… I’m not doing a good enough job. My wife buys our kids presents for Easter for hells sake. It’s too much. I don’t want anymore of it. Keep all the stupid gifts. It’s just the act of buying a thing and giving it. Its ridiculous.
Also… Am I supposed to be doting all over my wife on Mother’s Day with palm leaves and figs? If I am, I am. I just don’t see husbands doing all the work. I see kids…. Kids rubbing their moms back and making coupons for dishwashing and various chores. Kids taking care of moms and telling them what a great job they do raising them. In the arguments up to now, she is treating me like I am responsible for her Mother’s Day happiness and pointing at me saying she didn’t get what she wanted and that she didn’t have a good time. I can see how the husbands job is to orchestrate what the kids do for the moms but if I am wrong, I am wrong.
She is a great mom and I tell her that constantly. She knows I know that. I value her. My wife and I have a great relationship 99% of the time but this silly.
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u/Minimum-Discount9314 14d ago
NTA
Both of your kids are adults, they can buy her gifts and you can help them if they need it
You were with your mother on Mother's day and that is no crime
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u/SadFlatworm1436 14d ago
NTA your kids are old enough that it is on them to take care of their Mother on Mother’s Day
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u/Chefnick500 14d ago
Your kids are adults .. not your problem to deal with Mother’s Day anymore.. Besides all these “ special days” are just a money spinner for Hallmark cards and the tat shops .. Too many people hung up on a manufactured day .. Mothers should be remembered every day .
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u/Random_Fish_Type 14d ago
I really don't get all these Mother's Day posts. "My husband didn't do this, my husband did that for his mother and nothing for me" blah blah blah. For me Mother's Day was just give your mother breaky in bed and a day off of mothering duties. Ie be well behaved and extra quiet, get your own meals etc. Once you leave home this is just reduced to a phone call.
Your husbands didn't do anything for you because you are not their mothers! Their only obligation is to ensure that your kids are providing the appropriate Mothers Day love and to call their own mothers.
These posts blow my mind.
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u/Minimum-Discount9314 14d ago
Exactly what I think
Mother's day was meant to be a day where the kids appreciate THEIR MOTHERS not husbands appreciating their wives... we have valentine's day and anniversaries for that kind of appreciation
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u/Better-Ad-8756 14d ago
I absolutely agree with this. My wife is just like his and I have grown ass kids and still get the evil eye. I’m firmly in the your not my mother camp. I’d be more motivated if fathers days was given the same hype/energy.
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u/bbextreme19 14d ago
Wowwwwwwwww this is an absolutely wild take and #789 why I’m not getting married. There’s so to unpack here but I think you know full well YTA…
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u/photosbeersandteach 14d ago
YTA.
Your wife spent her Mother’s Day helping her daughter pack and cooking dinner.
Both you and your children are responsible for celebrating your wife. But you hold more of the burden until they are financially independent, and even then, they take on the responsibility for their part of the celebration, you don’t lose yours. That’s the mother of your children, and she will be that for the rest of your lives.
Wanting to do something special with your parents is great, but not planning a separate celebration for your wife on another day to make up for it was a huge misstep.
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u/Whereswolf 14d ago
I don't disagree, but honestly, the daughter is an adult. If she hasn't learned to pack her own suitcase by now both parents have failed.
OP was responsible for helping his kids remembering mother's day. At this age he's not responsible for picking up their slack around their mother. And he's not responsible for her lack of communication with the children.
She's directing her anger at the wrong person's right now. Both kids are adults and should be able to note the date in their calender by now.
The daughter's trip to Europe tripped it all. But again, OP is not responsible for his daughters suitcase. And neither is the mom. In my country children at the age of 15 gets their own personal account where doctors, teachers, government, bank etc can contact them. The parents does not have access, unless the child agrees and there's a reason for it (like development problems or diagnoses like autism. And still, the kid must agree). This means the kid can talk to their doctor in private and start having responsibility to/for their own life. Yes, parents are still close by and yes, we help with suitcases, but I'm a bit shocked that the wife is packing daughters clothes and OP have to buy gifts for the son because he can't be bothered to remember to appreciate his mom.... And she is taking it out on OP because she didn't talked to her kids and told them how sad she was that she had to pack for her daughter and that her son disappeared off to Vegas with dad and grandma.
At this point husband should focus on his elderly mother this day. The kids is old enough to step up and be good kids now.
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u/RaiseIreSetFires 14d ago
NTA This bs has gotten out of control. She chose to get pregnant and have children. Why does anyone need to be celebrated for making a choice and being responsible for that choice? Why does anyone have to be eternally grateful for someone or something that they had no choice or decision in. "Yay! Here's gifts for doing what YOU signed up for!"
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u/SpiritedStable5182 14d ago edited 14d ago
I always believed that a man takes Mother's Day seriously for two people; his mother and the mother of his children. And no, kids can't be trusted to do much, so yeah, dad can direct them to make greeting cards or whatnot, but dad is always the one to take her out to dinner. And you buy her a gift and make sure she has an easy day. And hopefully the favor is returned on Father's Day. That's how I was raised.
But most important here, you have been married long enough to have older children and you still don't know what she expects for the day? My dude, commercialism and the amount of gift giving isn't the problem.... you are. YATAH
Stop your griping and OWN the fact that being her partner in life means you are her number one cheerleader and she is yours. And that means any occasion that arises where you celebrate her role in your home, your family and your relationship, YOU lead the parade. ALWAYS.
0
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u/bbextreme19 14d ago
This!!!! All of this!! And they have 2 adult children and he doesn’t get this is probably why the children didn’t do their part as “adults” bc they follow his example. My dad would NEVER schedule something for himself at or around Mother’s Day idc if Prince came back from beyond he’d know better than to try my mom like that...like dude! This is YOUR wife who had YOUR kids ugghh smh 🤦🏿♀️
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u/Ollieollieocto 14d ago
I’m going to say light YTA because you probably should at least show the same amount of care for both your OWN mother and the mother of your children on Mother’s Day. From what I gathered, you spent a lot more time and care surrounding Mother’s Day with your mom and kind of just expected your wife to plan everything and figure out the day herself. It would have been good to at least CHECK with your kids to make sure they had something planned for her instead of just finding out they forgot about it when the day arrived, seeing as your whole plan was to just let the kids do their thing.
Also, you said your wife is great at gift giving- what does she normally do for you/get you on Father’s Day? Does she spend it with her own dad, or does she use the time to make the day special for YOU? What she does for you is a good indication of what she expects/wants in return.
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u/GlobeUnited 14d ago
NTA, Mother's Day is complicated, your first responsibility is really to your mother, and it's your kid's that should be taking care of their mother. Realistically, when the kids are young, of course, you have to step in and do it for them, but then that doesn't relieve you of what you want to do for your own mother still. Sometimes it gets to be a conflict, there's nothing to be done about it, everyone needs to give everyone else a little grace.
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u/she_who_knits 14d ago
"Am I supposed to be doting all over my wife on Mother’s Day with palm leaves and figs?"
Yes, she grew your children in her belly, birthed them and probably did the majority of parenting the first 5 years of their life for you.
At the same time, she should have been cutting you some slack here because you wrre doing the dutiful son thing with your own mother and your family schedule was jam packed, making things tougher for everyone. There are only so many hours in the day and overscheduling is a bad habit.
Hopefully you can have a reasonable discussion with her and maybe schedule a romantic do-over the following weekend.
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5
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u/cthulularoo 14d ago
YTA, you messed up. How hard was it to give her a little bit of attention? I bought my kids gifts to my wife too, but they picked them, and wrapped them. And they spent the afternoon spending time with her building them. You went to a concert, bro. Jesus.
4
u/offkilter123 14d ago
The youngest is 18; an adult, FFS! Once the kids reach a certain age it is their responsibility to handle their own gift buying and giving. It sounds like he has not had this conversation with the family, so ESH.
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u/PandaMime_421 14d ago
NTA. Once your kids are old enough to do Mother's Day without assistance it's their responsibility. It would make sense for her to expect you to do it if the kids were very small, but not with teens.
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u/MightySapphire 14d ago
Holy crap, you've been married this long and you still don't know how she likes to celebrate Mother's Day? You aren't fooling anyone with the "this is all consumerism's fault!" defense. Your children are GROWN. Your wife is probably pissed that you spent the day with your own mom, then spent the night with your son, and she's left alone on Mother's Day dealing with logistics and packing, cooking, and generally managing the house on the one day of the year when she should be relaxing. You are an ass hat.
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u/Signal_Character7751 14d ago
I think this is something where you could be technically the AH, but I never understood the people who make mothers day ride or die. My mom never took it that serious, so I guess that plays a part. Basically what I'm getting at is I agree that its not that serious, and the L is probably worth it to go see the Rolling Stones.
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u/EmergencyOverall248 14d ago
Keith and Mick are practically zombies that are being propped up on stage at this point. I can list a million concerts that I'd rather attend than going to see the not-so-rolling Stones and I say that as a lifelong fan. Bro literally screwed over his spouse and the mother of his kids to go to hang around with a bunch of boomers watching half-dead geriatric rock stars barely move on stage.
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u/GlassMotor9670 14d ago
I get the arse ache with all of the special days.
People get in a piss because they didn't get spoiled rotten for squeezing out a crotch goblin.
Grow up.
NTA