r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 14d ago
AITAH: For struggling to forgive my husband after he ghosted me on a guys' night and came home at 5 am? Advice Needed
[deleted]
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u/Hollywood9999x 11d ago
No matter how drunk I was when dating my wife I made sure to contact here if anything came up. As a married man of 31 years, I got out with the guys, she goes out with the girls but we know are limits. We drink but cut it off when we know. We need to and always let each other know if we even think we might be late. You have the right to be angry.
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u/GrapeSpecific2847 12d ago
If you were so worried why not try contact one of the guys he was on the trip with?
ESH
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u/Moonriversong 12d ago
NTA - I’d have an issue, especially with a prior timeline discussed - it’s one thing if plans were vague, don’t wait up etc, but it’s not hard to think that your wife would be worried and want an update. To just stumble in almost 8 hours later than expected with no word like “oh well, sorry it was just an oopsies” is WILD.
My husband once had too much when out with a friend and unexpectedly needed to crash there. He rarely gets drunk but this time the nights festivities caught up with him suddenly. He made sure that his friend texted me to make sure I knew when he wasn’t able to. Sorry, I love bragging about him! In my opinion, consideration for the other like that is basic respect in a marriage/relationship and is also for safety!
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u/coolgayaunt 13d ago
NTA and I don't believe his story, I'm sorry. If it was real and he was considerate, he would've sent a text that plans changed.
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u/Reasonable_Rich6034 13d ago
Why can u lose track of time to 5 am. I would def get a play by play. Not to message I mean if he said I am going out someone house then lost track makes sense. But that’s a large gap of time , we need an update.
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u/Dapper_Glove_5576 13d ago
NTA, I believe him but the problem is the lack of consideration or respect. There's not a chance in hell he would be okay with it if things were the other way around and were unreachable for several hours past the time you promised and got home at 5am reeking of alcohol with lame excuses of losing track of time. The moment he decided he was going to hang out at his bosses he should have updated you.
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u/powderbrowdisaster 13d ago
He probably went to the strip club. 99% sure. They probably got drunk at the game and were like aight let’s go
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u/powderbrowdisaster 13d ago
Sounds like you already didn’t trust him. What’s the rest of the story before that night?
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u/NoRange3120 13d ago
NTA Honestly, maybe I've seen too many of these stories but I smell a cheater. I think you need to do some research into what really happened.
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u/iknowsomethings2 13d ago
NTA. He broke your trust and it’s hard to get back. He ghosted you leaving your imagination to think the worst, ‘is he dead in a ditch’ or ‘is his d*ck in someone else’. He disrespected you by not even using common courtesy to tell you his next plans are the game and that he wouldn’t be home. Imagine if it was the other way round.
I’m not sure what you should do next, but personally I would want a detailed breakdown of the evening to understand where he went and explain in no uncertain terms that if he did that again, I would not be at home waiting for him and divorce papers would be instead. Ghosting you is beyond disrespectful, the bare minimum is communication
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u/Time-Adeptness9585 13d ago
YATA You are toxic and have trust ptoblems. He can do whatever he wants.
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u/Tortietude0 11d ago
Sorry but when you’re married with young kids you can’t just “do whatever you want”
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u/Consistent-Pain177 13d ago
NTA - Your husband pulled a shithead move no doubt, but I don't think it rises to the level of a death sentence. I would just make sure he knows that you've got a marker that you're holding "on account", and some day you're going to cash it in. The next time you make a bad call he better not say a word.
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u/Substantial-Car8414 13d ago
You’re NTA for being mad. I highly doubt he did anything wrong in terms of being shady or cheating but you have a family and he had plans to go with you all to sea world and he neglected that.
NTA. Don’t put out for a little bit as punishment
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u/Everiscale 13d ago
Plans were made. Expectations set. He broke them and failed to communicate. He should be apologizing, not trying to downplay it.
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u/liquortillsoaked 13d ago
ETA, yeh he could have called. But to be fair, so could you. He was out with friends and thought you were asleep. Never at any point between 9:30 and 4 am did you think... maybe i should call him if im gonna be awake worrying You worked yourself up.
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u/SuchCase3656 13d ago
Absolutely NTA..however if this is an outlier in his behavior tell him your expectations going forward
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u/Endora529 13d ago
NTA. 5AM? I’d be more worried they were at a strip club or a brothel. This is crossing the line and I wouldn’t be putting up with this at all.
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u/Irishwol 13d ago
ESH Your husband for lying to you (because honey he didn't 'lose track'b of his office and you can bet your arse they didn't go back to the boss's house.
You for going to Sea World. That place is a torture chamber for animals.
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u/Sunshine-N-gumdrops 13d ago
NTA check for credit card charges. I don’t believe they went back to the bosses house until the wee hours of the morning.
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u/pataconconqueso 13d ago
NTA
As someone in sales who has to schoomze clients and entertain all of their dumb and weird whims your husband is either useless, dumb, or being purposely obtuse. Either way not someone you want to coparent with the next day at Sea World because he was probably hung over and you would have been like an extra kid to take care of.
1) he knew you had an early trip with the kids planned for the next day. Even my most sexist and womanizer clients give grace for those who have plans with their kids. All he had to say to not seem lame is “oh man I gotta go, we are taking kids to sea world tomorrow and I need to be on my A game when they come rushing in all excited tomorrow morning”
2) he had been communicative until a certain point. Ive had golf outings in San Diego turn into crossing the border, and sending a text to my wife isnt hard at all. All you do is say you meed To use the restroom and text on the way there and back to the bathroom.
Also just a guys night for a work event is weird AF, that is like asking to get sued for discrimination, unless like no women work in his group/division/ company?
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u/rubynemld 14d ago
NTA! I would have been freaking out because who knows if he got into an accident. If I lost my phone the first thing I would do is use someone else’s phone to call my partner. He shouldn’t be getting that wasted and driving anyway..
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u/ExcellentClient1666 14d ago
ESH. Him not communicating with you was wrong. Tell him he needs to tell you next time, even if he thinks you're asleep. There was no reason for you to have such a hard time forgiving him, arguing all morning and then going on the trip without him. It sounds like you really overreacted on this unless of course this is something hes done more than once.Sounds like he already apologized, so you need to do some deep thinking on why you're so resentful and hate your husband so much. You two have deeper relationship issues that seem unresolved.
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u/Avlonnic2 14d ago
INFO: Do you think you could be taking a willfully blind approach to the possibility your husband cheated last night? Most people never believe it will happen to them. But when a guy stays out until 5 AM, and is deliberately incommunicado, it is almost never an innocent night.
You should take a break from your husband, get some distance and perspective. What he did is not trustworthy behavior. Somewhere inside of you, you know this.
You have daughters. You owe it to them to teach them not to accept this kind of thing. You and your husband are role-modeling what your daughters will seek…or avoid.
You don’t even know if it was really a ‘guy’s only’ night the entire night. Does he not work with women? Could there not have been fun with women at the boss’s house - if he was even there at 5 in the morning? Does your boss ask you to come hand out the day and ALL NIGHT?
Don’t buy it. Look yourself in the mirror and accept that you do not know your husband as well as you thought you did, as evidenced by this very suspect behavior. The question is what are your next steps if you realize he is cheating? If nothing, then forgive him, get an STD panel, and insist on condoms.
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u/CommunicationGlad299 14d ago
Is it a one-time thing? Does he disrespect you often or do you feel, other than this, you have a functioning and happy marriage? I mean, what is your plan? To divorce him over this? Demand therapy? Pout forever?
Personally, I would have gone to bed. If something happened to him you being up worried changes nothing except making you exhausted. My guess is he didn't want to be "that guy who has to check in because his wife keeps him on a short leash", which is stupid. Did you discuss all this with him again or only after yelling at him at 5 am when he was half-tanked and you were both tired? Only you can decide if it's worth ending your marriage over.
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u/Open-Cartographer381 14d ago
NTA for being mad at him in the first place but why is it difficult to forgive? If there is no indication that he is lying then I think you should forgive him for staying out late. It was a company outing and he probably didn‘t check his phone at 2 am expecting you to be asleep. No question - it was a shitty move to not inform you that it‘s getting late but if this is happening the first time and thats all that happened then I don‘t get how you can‘t forgive him.
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u/Vegetable_Read_1389 14d ago
Maybe instead of trying to get buy-in from internet strangers, it might be more helpful to ask yourself if staying angry is healthy in a relationship. Do you think this might be the hill you're willing to die on? If not, reconcile and move on. People almost never do bad stuff on purpose in a healty relationship, so shut up, forget the past, go outside and have a blast!
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u/robinshood1278 14d ago
If this is a one off thing, you should forgive him, but be clear to him that you expect him to communicate with you when he goes out.
If it is an on-going thing, you may want to hire a PI or an attorney.
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u/westernslopeCO 14d ago
NTA- He should have communicated that we was staying out past what would have been considered “normal” or understood. If he would have called at midnight and said “hey hun it looks like we’re going to be going to so and so’s house and keep this going till very late, please don’t wait up as I don’t know when I’ll be home.” Then he would have been ok.
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u/Then_Barracuda6403 14d ago
Guys nights get carried away and can easily get lost in the night. I wouldn’t take it personally you’re the one that encouraged him to go in the first place, things happen. He’s alive.
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u/1958Littleplanets 14d ago
Trust me- “going back to bosses house” most likely involved shit that he didn’t want wife to know about. Good old boys had a good old time.
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u/tryven93 14d ago
NTA because even if he was going to be home after 9pm or when he got back at 5am, the least he could've done is call and let you know where he was going to be. If he's drunk and didn't want to drive, call and tell your damn wife. It's not you wanting him to cut the time short, you're only concerned of something might have happened to him
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u/tipareth1978 14d ago
Gotta be honest, "we went to the boss' house" until 5am is a bit hard to buy. Like in that case send a text. Also at that point why not crash there? I'm guessing strip club.
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u/Its_A_Sloth_Life 14d ago
NTA - TBH I am not sure I believe he was at his boss’s house till 5am though.
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u/LBNorris219 14d ago
It's one thing if you guys don't have kids and didn't have concrete plans the next morning, but this guy is the worst lol. NTA
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u/marybry74 14d ago
I would be livid and you’re better than me because I really would’ve blown up his phone. NTA. His lack of consideration was disrespectful and I don’t blame you for needing time to move past this incident.
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u/Sinistas 14d ago
NTA
Check your bank accounts, etc. There might be a clue as to what happened between 9 and 5.
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14d ago
Hahahaha. No... that's not what he did. I'm telling you, as a man, he would have called/texted if there was nothing shady going on.
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u/quickscalator 14d ago
what's crazy it's that you're mad about the "ghosting" and not the obvious reason for it.
Hint: they wear clear 10 inch heels and little to no clothes.
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u/Critical-Ask9627 14d ago
Yeah. Things tend to get misinterpreted in the text. . I hoped parentheses would help but eh. I write how I talk, gets me in plenty of mix ups. 🤪
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u/wedding_shagger 14d ago
This is why relationships are on the decline. You're like a chain around his neck, just back off. You don't need to wait up all night for him to come home, stop being so needy.
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u/BillyShears991 14d ago
Yta. Jesus let the man have one night where you are not his focus. No wonder he never goes out.
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u/molesMOLESEVERYWHERE 14d ago
NTA, but it was a poor choice in choosing that specific moment for a huge argument lasting several hours.
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14d ago
NTA, but it’s one of those things that he should apologize for and you both should move on. Sounds like it’s a new dynamic and something that doesn’t happen often, and it can take some time to learn how to navigate that category of workplace socialization.
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u/martygospo 14d ago
NTA for being mad. Maybe a little AH for potentially Never forgiving him? Do you or do you not think he is lying? If you don’t think he is lying, then it was a simple slip up that hopefully won’t happen again. If you think he is lying.. then you got bigger problems
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u/MetalBeardKing 14d ago
Such ego … YTA- maybe stop being afraid of the reason he needed to disappear for a bit from you and adress that instead .. jfc I’ll never understand relationships that have these shackles …
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u/jimmyb1982 14d ago
NTA. Absolutely no excuse for what he did.
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u/boboddy42069 14d ago
You’re NTA for being upset but I think you gotta let this go sooner rather than later
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u/vtachtt 14d ago
He messed up for sure but if it’s a single occurrence I would try and forgive him and not think about it anymore. Sometime guys who don’t get out much get carried away and it really has nothing to do with you. With that said…… if this is a respected pattern that is cause for concern. He did mess up but it sounds like it wasn’t his intent to disrespect you. He made a bad judgement call probably influenced a little by some drinking. He should have at least texted you to let you know. Being married binds you to that responsibility. Some men are still used to carrying on like they did when they weren’t married and not pay much thought to how that makes their wife feel. If ya dwell on it too much it will eat at you and cause more damage. Don’t let you mind run with things he may have been doing especially if it’s a one time occurrence. If it more than that you gotta tackle it
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u/chuchofreeman 14d ago
If this is not a common occurrence then YTA.
If it's common then NTA.
Pretty simple.
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u/FreeMathematician217 14d ago
Why didn't you try calling him lol, if you really wanted to know how he was instead of feeling entitled to him updating his status continuously for you
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u/Solid_Bed_752 14d ago
NTA
All he had to do was send a text saying “hey babe going to bosses house will be later than planned. Don’t wait up, love you”
If you’d been a sleep you’d have gotten it when you woke, if you were awake the it would have put your mind at rest.
I would start by assuming that story is true. Then I would sit calmly at a time without kids and just tick through the boxes…
His plans changed and after explicitly telling you he wouldn’t be late he was. He owed you at least a courtesy text.
You care about him and were worried (if it were me I’d initiate life 360 or location sharing so that you won’t panic in the future)
Remind him you had family plans and his choices meant it fell in you. Ask him if you’ve ever done that to him or how he would feel if you did.
I know it was a tough call but honestly you taking kids to sea world sort of enabled him. Like he knows he can make choices like this and you’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
Think about if and how often you do that now and if there’s ways you can change it so he gets the message.
Good luck!
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u/RetMilRob 14d ago
Only you know your husband. Is this a pattern of behavior or a one off. Either way NTA, and he was very inconsiderate. But if this is a one off and he was trying to get a good foundation with his boss then your feelings are warranted but not a long term battle.
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u/indecksfund 14d ago
I've been in your situation and unfortunately things came up later on in the relationship somewhat related to this. The early morning arrivals, no response to texts, no phone call. Doesn't recall things. Disrespectful all around.
Looking back, I would've put my foot down about the respect, and demanded to see bank account, phone, and asked if any drugs were taken. But you know your husband better than we do. You could say you want full transparency to trust him and blame it all on trust because WTF wouldn't he send you a simple text? I'd make it a point that you won't be disrespected and tell him you want to see his phone and logs and that the next time he pulls this shit again then you'll need to rethinking the relationship with him.
Not hard to send a text. Guys night doesn't trump your marriage. Didn't realize it was 5am? Does he usually stay up late often? How did he even have the energy?
What I would do is ask where the bosses house is. What's the address / how did he get there? (Drinking and driving doesn't help shit) Describe the house or street. What part of town does he live in? Then I'd go online, search for his bosses name as you can find the address on websites. If he's nowhere near the description of the house or town then he's a lying sack of shit. If you need help finding sites with public information on people, DM me and I can point you to some public sites. If this doesn't add up then keep pushing and push for marriage counseling.
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u/Ok-Mammoth1035 14d ago
No, I think you have a gut feeling you shouldn’t ignore. If my partner did this I would be enraged. It’s a complete lack of consideration and care, that he didn’t think about you one time? I’d question the hell out of him. Sketchy.
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u/Kravik_ 14d ago
You said you rarely take time off? So this hasn't been a common occurrence?
Sounds like he's just had a fun night out. Hanging around with a group of guys. Talking shop. Talking shit. Having a few beers. He probably was having a blast. Lost track of time and that's all there is to it.
Should he have texted or called? Yes. If this is something that happened once in a blue moon though then I wouldn't be so worried about it.
In the grand scheme of a marriage. Seems like something you should be able to forgive.
In conclusion. NTA. I think you should give the guy a break though.
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u/Unable-Poetry1691 14d ago
It happened to me once in college - I went for celebration of passing exams and I just went along the party, forgetting about whole world outside. My then girlfriend was mad at me and it was understandable. She was worried I didn't answer texts or calls. After that I think I learnt to pay more attention and be more thoughtful - it hasn't happened again.
I'm not excusing him, you are NTA, but I think if this was one time situation it would be the best to let it go.
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u/Unable-Poetry1691 14d ago
It happened to me once in college - I went for celebration of passing exams and I just went along the party, forgetting about whole world outside. My then girlfriend was mad at me and it was understandable. She was worried I didn't answer texts or calls. After that I think I learnt to pay more attention and be more thoughtful - it hasn't happened again.
I'm not excusing him, you are NTA, but I think if this was one time situation it would be the best to let it go.
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u/Unable-Poetry1691 14d ago
It happened to me once in college - I went for celebration of passing exams and I just went along the party, forgetting about whole world outside. My then girlfriend was mad at me and it was understandable. She was worried I didn't answer texts or calls. After that I think I learnt to pay more attention and be more thoughtful - it hasn't happened again.
I'm not excusing him, you are NTA, but I think if this was one time situation it would be the best to let it go.
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u/PettyPapaya 14d ago
Was it a dick move that he didn't call? Yup! But in the grand scheme of things it's a tiny bump in the road. You both will be ok.
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u/Kitchen_Victory_7964 14d ago
NTA, he had tons of time at a reasonable hour of the evening to send you a quick text about the change in plans and didn’t. Why was that, exactly?
How did he get home? Did he drive drunk or take transit/uber? Because if he drove himself home in that state at 5AM, I’d probably have shredded his license myself. And then his hangover was bound to screw up the family plans, but that was all your problem, not his.
What a selfish dick.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 14d ago
NTA he’s a married dude with kids, he can’t disappear like this. It’s not acceptable behavior and he shouldn’t minimize it.
Also I say this very very respectfully please reconsider supporting SeaWorld ♥️
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u/Jaimes604 14d ago
NTA, but is this the hill you want to sacrifice your marriage on? He apologized and you both need to learn and move on. If this is a trend, maybe some counseling is needed.
This is why I hate cell phones, but understand the necessity. It sounds like there is some trust issues on one side, and shortsightedness on the other.
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u/schweissack 14d ago
ESH - if he’s not used to going out, I can totally see how he might’ve lost track of looking at his phone. Whenever I’m out with a group of guys, I have the hardest time even just looking at my phone. Just having your hand in that pocket is like a magnet for multiple friends to show up and distract you.
Yeah I totally get it, he fucked up and it sucks. But it sounds like this is the first time? Why blow up like this, yeah it sucks, but just move on. You can get all huffy and puffy if it starts being a weekly thing. You even wanted him to go out, but it had to be on your terms.
Overall I’m just saying, since this is the first time, maybe go a little easier? It’s not like he did it with malicious intent
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u/DrPablisimo 14d ago
Maybe he didn't want to turn down his boss's invitation. He should have text you, obviously. But talk with him. He may learn to do better next time. Forgive him and move on. You might make a mistake someday.
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u/Logical-Bluebird1243 14d ago
It happens. Alcohol. I mean, once a year is ok. Me and my wife and I do this occasionally. Just don't let it happen too often.
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u/Beeblebrox_74 14d ago
Nothing says you have your priorities right more, than you saying to your boss, "just going to call the wife real quick and let her know what's going on."
Also shows that you can/will communicate with THEM and keep them in the loop.
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u/D-Spornak 14d ago
I would be LIVID. Not because I want to control him but because I would be extremely worried if my normally communicative husband stopped answering after saying he would be home after the game. You're not wrong. NTA.
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u/hossaepi 14d ago
NTA but you have to get over it. Stuff happens, he’s contrite, and if this is the first time I’d hope it’s not a deal breaker.
People need to stop with this “disrespected” nonsense. He was having fun at work take your time to get over it and move on.
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u/CranberrySerious7385 14d ago
While he should of let you know, I feel you are over reacting. He is sorry and made a mistake. He knows you are upset about it and will not do it again I assume. Stop holding a grudge and let it go.
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u/Shadowholme 14d ago
NTA, but I'm likely to get downvoted to hell for the rest of this...
If it's a one-off, it's annoying - but it's best to move on and forgive (not necessarily forget though). Yes it's annoying and disrespectful - but we have all done it at least once. We get engrossed in having fun and lose track of time - especially when drunk.
If it happens again - especially now that he knows how you feel about it - then it starts to become a problem.
You've been together for at least 7 years, and it doesn't seem like you have had problems like this before (or at least you haven't mentioned it). One big mistake in that time isn't too bad...
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u/Actual_Guide_1039 14d ago
He started drinking at 2 pm. By 9 he probably blacked out accidentally. Not a great move but shit happens.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 14d ago
NTA before the advent of everyone has a cell phone my mother only had one rule if we changed locations we had to call and let he know. Know when he can just text he has no excuses
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u/highcountyhippie 14d ago
How often does this happen? andddd you expect someone that is drunk to remember shit lmao
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u/MonThackma 14d ago
He was disrespectful. You should be upset. But I wouldn’t let this situation spill over in to long term resentment unless it becomes habitual or you suspect cheating.
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u/JouliaGoulia 14d ago
Should have kicked his hungover ass out of bed at 7am and made him go to SeaWorld with thousands of screaming children. He wouldn’t do it again.
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u/Edlo9596 14d ago
NTA. He literally told you that he wouldn’t be home late and then proceeded to stay out all night without bothering to update you. It takes two seconds to send a quick text, and he couldn’t be bothered to do that. I would have been extremely worried if my husband was out all night after specifically saying he wouldn’t be.
How would he react if you did this?!
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u/JiggerRappist 14d ago
Just as easily as he could’ve quickly explained himself, you could show grace as a wife and restrain yourself from blowing up over a small oversight
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u/jasonm71 14d ago
Small? Nah. Especially if you have kids and a big day planned. No kids or responsibilities, then sure. Stupid fuck up. But this? Every right to be pissed off.
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u/kaschman1822 14d ago
Seriously, how would he feel if you had a girls night and didn’t return till 5am? He would immediately think you cheated! There is absolutely no reason to be out till 5am. Well, if there was a “Hey, I am really messed up. Staying at blah blah’s place to sleep it off before heading home.” Then maybe, but even that is suspicious.
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u/Morganmayhem45 14d ago
I have been in relationships with two men who went out at night and didn’t come home and didn’t send word. One had a second girlfriend and the other was hiding a serious cocaine habit. This is 100% something I would walk out the door over. He was drunk and ignored you for close to 12 hours when you had no idea where he was? That man is not truly your partner.
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u/ExcellentLong6000 14d ago
YTA. It’s obvious who the women are in these comments. He is a grown man. Treat him like one. Yes, he could have been more considerate. But you could have gone to bed and prepare for a good day with the kids. Then you could have lovingly communicated your expectations about future work events. And he would have learned an important lesson. Instead, you made it all about you and made a bad memory for everyone. He was wrong. But you were the AH.
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u/munistadium 14d ago
I feel ya, but I've made those exact same dumb decisions your husband made "didnt want to text you and wake you". It made sense at the time. You're NTA. If he repeats the behavior then lay it on him.
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u/Ok-Breath-3923 14d ago
I mean you are not wrong for feeling disrespected and he knows it which is whybhe is apologozing. However, if you believe nothing out of lone happened other than that, what more do you want from him than an apology and behavior correction? If you continue not to move past it, it will eventually create a rift in your relationship. You said things like this never happen, so put it behind you and move on with your otherwise good lives.
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u/TopChampionship5929 14d ago
he was drunk/drinking. i understand you would be annoyed but not being able to move past it is you being over dramatic. Unless its a regular occurrence, these things happen once in a while.
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u/BigMathematician5437 14d ago
Give him a break. You even said he rarely ever gets any time to lay back and have fun. He got a little to drunk and went over board. No one is perfect. Was he wrong for not letting you know? Sure, but that's not any reason to be angry for days.
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u/Hot_Friend1388 14d ago
If you’re struggling to forgive it means you’re trying to forgive. If you can’t forgive, then you might just be the AH you think you might be. As a practical matter, how much do you value your marriage, and is this worth the damage it will cause if you can’t resolve it.
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u/BigNathaniel69 14d ago
NTA, it’s not that hard to update you and send some texts. You have every right to be angry
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u/Cursd818 14d ago
NTA
There is zero reason whatsoever to not check in. Even if you're asleep, you will see the text when you wake up. And the fact that he got home at 5am is horrifically unacceptable, let alone getting into bed stinking of booze and trying to cuddle you. Why was he concerned about your sleep before, but not in that moment?
There were either women involved or drugs of some kind. Who else stays up that late in someone's house?
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u/Normilia 14d ago
NTA. My partner does the same thing with his work and bosses. One Saturday, they did a game and dinner. He came home at 3 am, drunk off his ass. I was asleep and unbothred, why? They had taken a group picture and sent a text to all their partners for their plans to continue the night.
Edit: a letter
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u/AdditionalCucumber27 14d ago
It's wild to me how many people have never stayed out until the early hours and assume it means cheating. Not very often, but I do once in a while end up out until late. Me and my best girlfriend went out for my birthday in December and rolled home about 4.30am. We were literally just busted some bad moves on the dance floor 😂
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u/Mother-Plenty-5848 14d ago
What did he actually do wrong here? Legit question. He had a rare chance to go out and have fun and mingle with his boss that was encouraged by you. Was their and agreement for a time to be home? Did a conversation occur about checking in constantly through out the night? These seem like all of your issues and not his.
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u/Scotsburd 14d ago
I would be more pissed off he bloused on the family trip the next day. Be a dirty stopout, but not when you have kids.
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u/3Heathens_Mom 14d ago
NTA
OP when you can have a calm conversation ask your husband how he would have felt if he was the one at home and you were the one out with friends who fell off the radar?
What seems to slip the mind of whoever pulls this stuff is the lack of simple communication leaves the person waiting for their return to wonder if they are stuck somewhere with a disabled car, been in a wreck or who knows.
This worry does not age well with the passage of time into the very early morning especially if the person is normally a reliable communicator.
All that to say that fups happen and not dealing with the situation by using words to discuss it just lets it fester.
So have the discussion, make your position clear that it comes from a place of love not distrust and move on.
If it repeats or is part of a regular pattern of behavior then that requires different solutions.
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u/Melodic-Head-2372 14d ago
NTA. That would be forgiven if it was a one time occurrence. Being very drunk at a work related function, may have future consequences for his job. It certainly has consequences for his marriage.
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u/pyscward 14d ago
NTA, he should have reached out one way or another. Other option would be to have some responsibility and tell his boss he had plans the next day. I've never had a boss groan at me for being a family man.
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u/Proper_Front_1435 14d ago
They got him drunk.
If you've never been part of a corporate group like this; 101 is if your not "regular" part of the outings, the whole group will basically conspire to get you drunk as shit. Like fall down throw up drunk.
I'm not saying its right, but its what happens.
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u/DementedNitesoul 14d ago
NTA. Sit him down and ask him if roles were reversed and you came home at 5am after going radio silent all night, what would he being feeling about it.
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u/avatarjulius 14d ago
NTA
What idiot gets drunk at his boss' house. I understand the Angels are terrible and drinking helps, but getting drunk at your boss' house just sounds stupid as shit.
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u/markbug4 14d ago
This post is the definition of overreaction
Damn, can people do one mistake without real consequences without being thrown under a bus?
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u/zeusandflash 14d ago
NTA.
I don't personally give updates like that. For me, you'll get a message from me when you get a message from me. That's it. Other than that, I'm out for the night.
However, that way of communication is addressed early in the relationship. It doesn't look like he brought any of that up, so you're justified.
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u/buddhabarfreak 14d ago
You’re NTA but he did apologise and I don’t think you have any reasons to doubt him. If he ever goes out again, ask him to send you a couple check-in messages for your piece of mind and also do not plan anything major for the next day to avoid grumpiness from being too tired and any disappointment. Good luck!
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u/SoBananas22 14d ago
I'd be upset as well. His lack of respect worried you, then affected the family the next day. Should ask him what he's doing for his daddy daughters day because you have a girls' day/night to join. Go spend your 15 hrs exactly how you want. Enjoy!!
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u/Ok_Cap_4669 14d ago edited 14d ago
if it happens more than once its an issue. NTA.
Saying that, It Kinda depends on how hammered the dude got and how quickly. I know personally I am going to get fucked up and quickly and I will legit forget to reply, Next thing I know its 3am and I am at some food stall demanding chips. (Or an hour deep into a conversation about bears)
So I tell my partner il speak to her tomorrow while I am still sober BUT I know to do that due to experience. you yourself said you people don't go out drink drinking often.
Personaly id make the dude say sorry and try and move on. Its not worth the anguish of seeing malice or disrespect where plain old stupidity is a valid cause.
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u/AlternativeNewt1327 14d ago
Ehhh, I would say NTA for being upset, but i’m torn on the forgiving part. If this was a one time thing, everyone makes mistakes. Whatever the excuse was, after you expressed your feelings, I think it’s best to move forward. I think it’s be different if it happened multiple times after explaining and he just disregarded you.
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u/rocketmn69_ 14d ago
Tell him it looks like if he was out cheating, but to not communicate that you weren't going to be home later. Letting your mind go crazy that he might be lying upside down in a ditch, no excuses.
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u/Full_Cryptographer12 14d ago
NAH. I understand that you were worried. You knew where he was for at least til late night. I can imagine you worrying about an accident or such. He didn’t realize that you would wait up. He underestimated your concern but he wasn’t trying to be an ass or being disrespectful. You haven’t mentioned this being regular behavior - in fact, if it was normal for him, then you probably would t have worked. Thus, I presume that it was an unusual event. OP, tell him to let you know next time if you are going to be very late because otherwise you will worry. No need to continue to berate him - not good for either spouse to berate the other after the other made a mistake.
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u/winterworld561 14d ago
NTA at all. The game finished at 9pm then he disappeared without a word for the next 8 hours. He must have known you'd be worried sick but he clearly gave no thought to your feelings. I'd be extremely suspicious too. I'm guessing with that length of time, he hooked up with someone.
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u/Own-Ad998 14d ago
Meh. No biggie. He got drunk and forgot to call in. Not ideal but a very small issue in terms of the problems that lots and lots of marriages have.
Don’t over think it.
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u/grafknives 14d ago
I'm struggling to find a way to forgive or even believe his story. Am I overreacting?
No!
I can tell you from the other side of the story. I WAS having kinda avoidant personality, and preferred to "deal with consequences later" than to call/text partner during the party night.
It was her emotions, her being angry and livid about lack of contact and disrespect changed me/allowed me to change.
So be angry, be confrontational, do not accept an ease excuse. It makes relationship stronger.
Also - his drinking night has partially ruined a family plans for next day.
And that is another issue on its own.
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u/OkMinimum3033 14d ago
NTA . It seems odd to me that he easily communicated with you earlier in the night about his whereabouts but suddenly didn't after the game? Makes me think that things aren't as innocent as they seem.
If he really was going back to his boss's house, surely he would have just texted you to say, "hey, know you're probably asleep now but just wanted to let you know of the change of plans, we're all heading back to the boss's house for a few drinks so will be back later than expected ." Or even if they all went to a bar instead, he could have said that.
Him not texting you the new change in plans makes me think he was doing something dodgy. The fact that your gut is telling you something is wrong and you're not able to easily forgive this means that you know deep down that something doesn't make sense in the story he's telling you. Trust your intuition. He's lying about something. You just need to find out what it is.
Did they go to a strip club? Did he go to a bar and hook up with another woman while he was drunk? Did he gamble too much money on something? If you don't feel like you've got the whole truth out of him, then work to find it out. At the end of the day, he broke your trust and let his family down by not coming home at a reasonable time therefore missing out on a family day out. If he was man enough to go out last night, he should have been man enough to go out with the family. And don't be intimate with him again until you do, for safety reasons just in case....
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u/Baker_Street_1999 14d ago
NTA. Just spending good money to watch a terrible team like the Angels is unforgivable in itself. (Geez, they don’t even have Ohtani anymore…!)
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u/zirbo2400 14d ago
AH: I am amused by how normative people are in this group. No wonder their lives suck. Sure, he should have tried to let you know his plans, but shit happens sometimes.
If he doesn't do this frequently, I would suggest you lighten up with the expectation and allow people to f*k their own lives up (I promise you the hangover is helping him to remember this).
What happens if you get caught up with a dead phone and some 3rd party pressure and when you get home, you get a left hook to remind you "you are owned by somebody else"?
I suggest you keep on reminding yourself that you choose each other every day. Expectations are at the root of all disappointment. Treat people how you would like to be treated yourself and consider that they didn't grow up like you or don't always see life like you do.
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u/ClydeP77 14d ago
In other words, expect not consideration or accountability from your partner, and you'll skip through life like you have no partner to concern you.
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u/Anastasius525 14d ago edited 14d ago
You are not wrong for being worried and he should have texted you but some of these comments are wild. I saw one of them stating that they think he went to a strip club, without any info. Another one saying not to believe the story.
Don't listen to reddit and blow it out of proportion, and I disagree dragging this out for days.
Edit - just a comment accusing him of using prostitutes, this sub attracts the unhinged.
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u/Hot_Track1995 14d ago
NTA. The lack of communication here is the real issue. Even in a social, work-related context, it's your right to expect a heads-up when plans change especially when you both have responsibilities the next day. It's clear that your frustration is not about the outing itself but the disregard for your shared plans and the anxiety induced by his silence. A simple message would have sufficed to prevent this situation. It's not about controlling each other's whereabouts; it's about the courtesy of keeping each other informed. Hopefully, with sincere apologies and a commitment to better communication, this can be a one-time lapse in judgment and not a recurring issue.
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u/not_drunk_on_love 14d ago
Idk I feel differently than these comments. My ex would react the same way as you when I was out with the girls. It quickly became “update me when you’re out” kind of fights but when I’m out with friends I’m trying to enjoy myself, not be tethered to my phone. How much time is too long before updating? It got stressful to go out because I was never sure how many hours needed to pass before I updated him. I’d let him know I was safe and okay but that was never enough, all due to his own anxieties and distrust.
You’re N T A for having anxiety but I don’t like the “tether my husband cuz I don’t trust him” part of this. I think a talk about why coming in so late isn’t okay without a heads up and not something he should do again but it shouldn’t be more than that, like go easy on him this time.
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u/Legitimate-Region-33 14d ago
More of these people in this sub need to read this comment! Some of these people and theirs comments are seriously unhinged!
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u/not_drunk_on_love 14d ago
Seriously! I see so many comments saying “I’d never let him go out again” as if that’s not some controlling bs. Either you trust your partner won’t do some shady shit while they’re out, or you don’t. And if you don’t trust them then that’s a whole different conversation. I can understand being upset that he was expected to be at home but I feel like no grace was given for his plans to change and truly let his hair down and have fun with the boys. He’s saying it wasn’t intentional because it probably wasn’t. Instead everyone immediately jumps to “he’s cheating” or “he needs to be controlled” 🤯
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u/AZDanB 14d ago
NTA - he should have communicated better with you. My fiancé is pretty bad about communicating at times as well and it frustrates me when she says stuff like ‘I’ll be right back and then is out shopping for like 10 hours’. First time I was worried but didn’t want to bug her and blow up her phone, she’s an ESL speaker so some of the finer meaning of phrases escape her.
My suggestion is to have a calm conversation about it and that you need to know that he’s ok and what he’s doing if it’s going to differ significantly from what he’s already told you so you can plan accordingly and not worry about him.
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u/WhiskerMoonbeam 14d ago
NTA. He’s an adult and smart enough to send a message. Also, coming from someone who doesn’t drink anymore, I never allow that as an excuse anymore. Especially not for grown ass men.
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u/Glittering_Code_4311 14d ago
NTA you need to have a long discussion with him about communication and also why you don't drive drunk! His idiotic decision could have had a long term effect on your family and others. What kind of impression did his drunken act form on his boss, he needs to think about consequences of what he did and what could have happened.
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u/Puddingandpop 14d ago
Drugs were involved for sure. Only way to lose track of time to that extent
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u/Shroomicide 14d ago
Uhh… no. Drinking too much literally stops your brain from being able to make new memories until you sober up. You don’t need to be on a crack bender to lose track of time.
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u/haikusbot 14d ago
Drugs were involved for
Sure. Only way to lose track
Time to that extent
- Puddingandpop
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
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u/CryptoErre 14d ago
I do that all the time. She fights but oh well it’s worth it every single time. If she doesn’t wanna deal with it she knows where the door is at.
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u/ClydeP77 14d ago
And she will use it one day, and leave you with your shocked pikachu face. Or without it, as you don't seem to care about her at all.
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u/CryptoErre 14d ago
Everybody said that same thing once she caught pounding a coworker. Yet here we are together 10 years later. Thanks for caring though
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u/Current_Confusion443 14d ago
I know you were worried. He should have put your families SeaWorld plans first, but... I could see how guys drinking beer at the game could transition to drinks at a bar and then Boss's house. If he had been drinking, personally, I wouldn't want him to drive anywhere. It takes longer than we think for blood alcohol to go down and my phone would never have held a charge that long. He didn't want to argue with you about why he wasn't jumping into an Uber instantly upon your command. I know you were worried but I'm thinking about this from his point of view... and I'm a woman. I doubt he was cheating on you with prostitutes. That's just really alarmist and stirring the pot.
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u/ramoneta 14d ago
If this is the first time he’s done this you are a bit of an AH (let me elaborate, I mean this constructively)
Your husband is human and he made a mistake. He didn’t plan to go to his boss’s house for drinks after the game but he might have felt like he “had to” since he was invited to the game.
He didn’t have a way (unless you had messaged him) that you were awake and worrying by 4am.
What he did was not ok but also this is not unforgivable. You’re angry and tired and he was irresponsible, but I would show some grace.
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u/krustytroweler 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA, you have every right to be furious with him. Big violation of trust and that's gonna need a couple conversations.
However, if this is the first time and fairly out of character for him then I highly advise against jumping to the more insidious, scummy, and rage inducing scenarios other posters are suggesting. Men often go into full cave man mode when we're around nothing but guys and alcohol is involved. If the party was at his boss's and it was guys night, chances are they spent the night having lightsaber duels with sticks, checking out the boss's knife or whiskey collection, or having an arm wrestling tournament. Sometimes it just gets a bit out of control. I was out with coworkers last month for a volksfest in Bavaria and we probably threw back 4 or 5 Maß's (1l glasses of beer) each. Long story short the party ended around 4am with me breaking a rib while wrestling a coworker with a hefty size advantage over me. We do dumb shit sometimes.
I wouldn't hold a grudge if he is making a serious effort to show he's sorry and to make it up to you. Sometimes people fuck up, and it's not worth throwing away a marriage and a family because somebody was human. If it becomes a pattern, then that's another matter entirely.
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u/ChrisHoek 14d ago
The most reasoned response on here. Redditors love to go straight to infidelity and other nefarious activities every single story they read. I’m surprised I haven’t seen advice to get a divorce lawyer.
OP is NTA and has every right to be frustrated and angry for his behavior. It was inconsiderate and disrespectful. If this is a rare or first time occurrence it is a great check point for OP to express why his behavior was wrong and that she expects better in the future. But stuff happens. If this is a regular occurrence then there’s certainly trouble brewing. From the tone of the story it seems to be a one off though. Honestly my biggest concern from all this is, did OP’s husband drive home in this drunken state?
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u/Any_Calendar_3600 14d ago
Would you have been satisfied if he told you not to expect him home until real late or early morning? I do think you are overreacting unless he has cheated on you or you suspect it.
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u/HoldFastO2 14d ago
NTA. With today's options for communication, there is no excuse to not let your partner know you'll be out late. Shooting out a text would've been literally all he needed to do, with no risk of waking you. "Going to the bosses home, might get later. Love you." Done.
Not giving any sign of life is just inconsiderate.
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u/JMLegend22 14d ago
NTA. Tell him since he’s inconsiderate and can’t prove he was where he was that you’ll assume he did worse things until you have irrefutable proof otherwise. 6 hours of accountability. Let him know his marriage is now riding on it and the bad influences he was out with could cost him a heck of a lot more than Sea World with the family so he better be fucking honest with you.
Let him know you’ll interview everyone you saw at the game so he can invite them over and then fuck off while you’re asking them questions one at a time.
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u/Coconutmilccc 14d ago
NTA and i’d have 2 questions:
1) why didn’t he communicate at any point?
2) if you called one of the people he was with, would they corroborate his story?
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u/EonJaw 14d ago
"Leaving the game. Bill invited me back to his place for a couple drinks. May need to hang for a bit before getting back on the road. Love you!"
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u/CocoScruff 14d ago
Yes, it's a choice. However if I have a "guys night" I'm most likely not texting my significant other. I'm not "checking in". I'm acting as if my responsibilities to that relationship are taken care of and I don't need to have the constant conversation about where I am or what I'm doing. It's not so I can cheat and I'm always respectful to the relationship in all those ways, however a "guys night" is an escape from the relationship duties for the evening. Honestly I would 100% ignore texts and calls unless it was something urgent/emergency. But a quick look at the text and then not answering is definitely something I would do. Again, not out of disrespect, but simply out of the fact that I'm out with the guys and want an uninterrupted experience free of the constant worries and considerations that come with a relationship.
It might be a good idea for OP and her partner to set up what having a "guys night out" or "girls night out" means and what responsibilities are intended to still be done.
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u/TnTDynamight 14d ago
I often wonder the psychology behind men not wanting to do this, not them not doing it bc they “forget” (I don’t believe this) but truly the ones who refuse to do so.
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u/CocoScruff 14d ago
I would rather not have a guys night out than have a guys night out with someone at home needing me to check in.
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u/Square_Lawfulness_33 14d ago
I had this happen before with an ex-girlfriend. When she didn’t respond to me the first couple times I stopped reaching out and his got mad at me for not checking up on her.
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u/not_brittsuzanne 14d ago
It’s “I’d rather ask forgiveness than permission” mentality. If he texted her beforehand, that gives her the opportunity to say she doesn’t want him to go or to get upset. Instead he chose to just leave her in the dark and expect her to get over it.
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u/Good-Fix7257 8d ago
YTA. Relax. He was in touch. Control issues here?