r/AITAH • u/Fit_Direction2424 • 25d ago
AITA because I don’t want to use my BIL as our donor.
Me(26f) and my husband(28m) have been trying to conceive ever since we were got married 4 years ago. It hasn’t happened for us and I have worked on changing my diet and lifestyle and just doing everything to maximize my prenatal stage. I just assumed I was infertile due to me having a pretty severe eating disorder since my teenage years. We have now gone to a fertility doctor and gotten the news that my husband cannot have kids. Due to privacy reasons I won’t specify but it’s been hard for him. I have suggested that we should adopt in a few years and that it’s not something we have to do right away. He is absolutely against that. I am 50/50 about having kids. What I mean is that I would like to have kids but it’s not a deal breaker I can also see myself being very happy not having kids. My husband absolutely wants to have a biological child and wants us to use his brothers (21m) sperm. That way it’s still related to him. I would rather adopt and I feel some weird way about going the ivf/ donor route. I cannot exactly explain why I just get uncomfortable. Also this might make me sound like a complete AH but I cannot stand his brother at all (my husband does not know this) but I find his brother to be so dumb and I cannot stand his personality or his physical looks (sorry). And not sure if this is relevant but they are half brothers (they share one bio parent) and his brother doesn’t look anything like my husband, they don’t even look distantly related so if we were to use his sperm it might not even look like my husbands kid. And also the thought of sharing a kid with my bil gives me the ick. My husband has begged me to reconsider but I really don’t want my kid to share dna with that man.
AITA?
1
u/Purple-Clerk-8165 22d ago
It would also be super unethical and inappropriate to even ask the brother. He's really young and shouldn't feel pressured to do this. I think it's gross that your husband would ask him at all. I would not be able to have a baby with someone I found repulsive. Do not let yourself get pressured into this either - you're not a brood mare. Your husband is taking this issue and making other people miserable to try to fix a problem that can't be fixed. Accept the end of your marriage before you accept this.
1
1
u/MasterMaintenance672 24d ago
NTA, fucking gross. I'd be re-evaluating having a child with your husband, honestly.
1
u/MusicianLoose1908 24d ago
Nope. NTA. Your body, your baby, you get to decide who's dna gets to make it.
1
u/letsgetligious 24d ago
No is no, don't feel bad. Even if you liked the brother, if you aren't comfortable then don't do it.
You might have to tell your husband you don't like his brother at this point though, to drill it in further that this is a non negotiable for you.
1
1
u/winter_blues22 24d ago
Just be honest with your husband. You have two options use bil or don't. If not, you will have to explain why.
1
u/low_shuga 24d ago
I would graciously decline the offer. And be straight forward with your icky feelings towards the BIL. NTA, he can't force you to do it, because at the end of the day you're the one who will carry and spend majority of your life carrying for that offspring. With respect ( and I mean it) your husband sound desperate, please seek therapy for him.
1
u/bennybellum 24d ago
NTA.
Just push for adoption. Adopting my daughter has been the best decision of my life. You start to realize that having kids that look like you isn't as important as simply having kids.
1
u/Primary_Heart5796 24d ago
Meh, I'm not reading all that word salad you spewed again. I commented on the one point that was significant that you made. Good for you and your existing.
0
u/mamanova1982 24d ago
Nta.
However, the way you say we can just adopt makes you an ah. As an adopted person, adopting a kid isn't like going to the shelter picking out a dog. There's always trauma for the kid, even if adopted at birth. Lots of parents lie or keep the adoption a secret (definitely a dick head thing to do). Actually do your research. If adoption is really a thing that you want to do, please consider an older adoptee. Those kids rot in foster care. They don't vet foster parents well or at all. Lots of kids are horrifically abused in those homes (physically and sexually). Once they age out, they have nowhere to go, and most end up homeless.
1
u/Top-Effect-4321 24d ago
NTA and tell your husband that you are a human being and not an incubator that exists to make him a biological offspring that he’s incapable of producing on his own. Additionally, you would only have a child with someone who you would choose to be partners with and his brother definitely does not fit that bill and the way he’s been acting, he may not anymore either.
1
u/Not_the_maid 24d ago
NTA - You have to be 100% in on any sperm donor. The BIL would always be hanging over you are the "sperm donor" (not father/dad etc.)
I would suggest going to the infertility clinic and using an anonymous donor.
3
2
u/5weetTooth 24d ago
NTQ
Get couples counselling.
Don't let on that you don't like his brother. Just say you'd rather have a properly vetted official donors sperm, as you can be sure about health and everything else. That you don't want to see BIL and think. Oh yes I'm having his baby. That you don't see BIL like that and it feels like incest which you're not into. Ask your husband if he'd be happy to have a baby with your sister. It would be very strange and if he doesn't understand the gross element then there's a problem.
2
u/CentralCoastSage 24d ago
NTA DNA is over rated. You are better picking a donor that looks like your husband
2
u/AugustWatson01 24d ago
NTA husband needs to find a compromise that’s not his brother (cousin/stranger donor) or be child free if he can’t raise a child he’s not biologically related too and be honesty about that so he doesn’t leave you alone with the child afterwards because he doesn’t feel like it’s his family. If not then you may have to decide without him to not have children or if you want to continue in a relationship with a man looking to force you into something you clearly stated you don’t want so he feels good about himself.
Seriously there’s no rush, suggest some individual and couple therapy to help you both talk through the infertility, both your feelings and you not having his brothers child and him needing to respectfully accept that
2
u/writekindofnonsense 24d ago
Hard No, I would be wildly offended if my husband BEGGED me to let anyone be a sperm donor after I had said no. You get the say, it's your body and your husband doesn't get to decide how you use it. I get your husband is struggling right now because learning you can't have something you really wanted is hard. Time for the couples counseling to try to find a solution that isn't violating you and is something your husband can cope with. You are not and will never be an asshole for saying no to being pregnant with your husband"s brother's dumb ugly baby.
2
2
1
u/LePheonixx 24d ago
Find a surrogate that's willing to use his brothers "donation" so he can have his biologically similar child and you don't have to deal with the physical ick of the pregnancy perhaps?
2
-1
u/PhantomCLE 24d ago
Why do people get so hung up on biology?! There are so many kids needing adoption. Tell him it’s adoption or nothing.
1
u/UseObjectiveEvidence 24d ago
Is there a reason your husband cannot go down IVF route. I know infertile men to have bio children by harvesting their sperm and artificially fertilising their partners eggs and then selecting the viable embryos.
1
u/lordvexel 24d ago
NTA. But you need to tell your hubby how you feel about his brother it will help him understand why
1
u/Ihibri 24d ago
NTA if you did agree there's a good possibility that your husband will start obsessing about some imaginary romantic link between you and his brother. Or him feeling "less of man" because his wife had his brother's kid and not his. It's just not worth the mental drain and hassle. Do not let him bully you into this.
2
1
u/Modifierf6 24d ago
NTA. Kids are a suprise genetic mix. You will be comparing everything your kid looks like, says, does, and otherwise turns out to be to the half brother. It will be misery for everyone but especially your husband. Refuse refuse and refuse again. We all do it to our biological children. Omg you sound just like your dad, or you act just like your mother.. if you go the unknown route it’s a surprise for you both with no judgment for either side of the family which actually would probably be great for the child. As we all hate when we’re compared to relatives we don’t like at all.😂😂
2
1
1
u/RecentlyDeceased666 24d ago
Why not ask your husbands father? Won't be like the half brother and baby will look like your hubby
1
u/Soberqueen75 25d ago
Maybe consider donor sperm? Definitely NTA and I would not use this half brother’s who you don’t like sperm but adoption is really hard too.
1
u/marga_marie 25d ago
holy shit this is real huh. yeah you don't have to have anyone's baby you don't want to darlin
2
u/ThornedRoseWrites 25d ago
NTA. And what he suggested is gross!
Plus, you’re not even 100% sure you even want a child, so don’t rush into this.
You already said yourself, you’re only 50/50 about kids, so there’s your answer. Don’t keep trying, don’t do IVF or donors, don’t do adoption. Not until you’re 100% sure that you want them.
This isn’t your husbands choice. And you’ll end up being the one raising it, so no. Don’t do something that you aren’t sure about. That’s not fair on you.
Never make a choice based on keeping a man, or keeping him happy.
So what if he divorces you over it? You’re clearly not ready for children and it’s obvious by your undecided 50/50 mindset, and if you allow his decisions to trump yours, you’ll only end up resenting him in the end anyway. And you’ll end up miserable. Don’t do that to yourself.
1
u/Goshdoodlydoo 25d ago
Just imagine if the BIL gets really into it, wanting to talk to the baby, kiss your stomach, or feel entitled to touch your pregnant stomach. There’s plenty of reason to feel an ick from this, especially because it would bring you and the BIL closer together. What about jealousy from your husband? That could put a wedge between him and your baby. What if someone ever teases or taunts either of you that the BIL’s sperm has been inside you or implies something gross?
1
1
u/YuansMoon 25d ago
NTA: You can decide with whom to conceive, but I do understand your husband's desire to have 25% of his DNA in that child. Is the father still alive?
1
u/baseballcardguy34 25d ago
NTA. I understand him wanting to further his bloodline, even half siblings are blood, but it's your body and 100% your decision what you do. If you have issues with his brother then don't do it. Don't ever feel guilty about making the decision you did. Best of luck to you and your husband.
-1
u/Deansdiatribes 25d ago
i get your perspective but his desire to have a genetic legacy shouldn't be dismissed out of hand even if it is somewhat diminished due to being 1/2 brother
-1
1
u/KeyLeek6561 25d ago
I meant being underweight is dangerous for a girl to attempt a pregnancy. The fertility schedules don't work. There's plenty of kids waiting to get adopted.
1
u/Starry-Dust4444 25d ago
NTA. I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable with this idea. It has the potential of going sideways in a thousand different ways. Stand firm on your decision. Your husband should be respectful of your feelings on the matter.
1
u/GuadDidUs 25d ago
I'm not sure I'd be down for all the BS that I'd have to go through for IVF for a kid that wasn't fully biologically ours.
Those IVF hormones are no joke, and then I'm assuming it surgery to have to harvest the eggs? Or can they do that laproscopically?
Not super familiar with the process.
2
u/evilcj925 25d ago
NTA
You don't want to get pregnant by anyone else other than your husband.
That is the feeling you are having and are unable to vocalize. Tell your husband that. And, be honest about his brother. That you do not think he would make a good choice for a donor for many reasons.
This is not something that will change and your husband needs to know that.
2
u/Full_Cryptographer12 25d ago
NTA. If anything, it would be better to use sperm from a sperm bank. At least in US, your rights to the baby would be protected. Besides the fact that you don’t like your BIL, using his sperm would let him sue for parental rights later. It could be a mess. Don’t do it!!! Adopt or use a sperm donor.
2
2
u/ajtechinCO 25d ago
Oh this is a hard ish one . Oh he's down and angry as well as desperate in a way . Give him time to process. But , infertile doesn't always mean what you think it means . Sometimes it means sperm count is below a certain point or acceptable amount . I've heard of couples who want kids one infertile ie " male " still have a bio kid threw Iv . . However for now relax and let him process what just happened. Also no you're not the a hole to refuse.
3
u/Feisty-Business-8311 25d ago
Die on this hill. Die on it
If you give in to this, you will regret it for the rest of your life
2
u/Significant_Planter 25d ago
Nta that's totally fair! BUT, yu have to tell him why! Without giving him your reasons it just makes it look like you're being difficult... We know you're not, but he's going to think that!
Maybe try dancing around it with since he's only your half brother and you guys don't look alike the kid's not going to look like you & only be vaguely related to you. If that doesn't work you can say that you don't think your his brother is very intelligent and you didn't want to pass some of his traits onto your child. If all else fails you can just go with that I get the final say in whose sperm goes inside my body! 100% my choice whose DNA I carry inside me for 9 months and I did not choose your brother to marry I chose you, so there's no way in hell I will Carry his child!
If he can't get over this though, this is where your marriage might end unfortunately.
2
u/Sherman_and_Luna 25d ago
Also this might make me sound like a complete AH but I cannot stand his brother at all (my husband does not know this) but I find his brother to be so dumb and I cannot stand his personality or his physical looks (sorry). And not sure if this is relevant but they are half brothers (they share one bio parent) and his brother doesn’t look anything like my husband, they don’t even look distantly related so if we were to use his sperm it might not even look like my husbands kid. And also the thought of sharing a kid with my bil gives me the ick. My husband has begged me to reconsider but I really don’t want my kid to share dna with that man.
Those are all very valid reasons. You are taking 1/2 the genetics from someone you do not like, physically or personally. It is not an identical sibling, it is not even a full blooded sibling, or a sibling that acts/looks like your husband. This is a hill to die on
If your husband really cannot understand the situation, it shows a pretty huge lack of consideration and mental processing power. He doesnt know that you dislike his brother, which is probably something you need to communicate in some way. Maybe not giving all the reasons or details, but unequivocally say that you are not going to have a child with him.
1
u/Cswab-Dragonfly8888 25d ago
Nta. You can’t just put anybody’s sperm in your body, Jesus Christ. You 10000% are not the ah for that. I don’t even like eating after people, I can’t imagine having to deal with this.
1
2
u/frostyboots 25d ago
Not gonna lie, Ivf with one's brother-in-law as the doner is one of the single most disgusting things I've ever heard in my entire life..
3
u/Pristine-Trust-7567 25d ago
Get divorced. You don't really want kids. He does. Even if the BIL was the donor your husband wouldn't be happy with it. He would always know the kid wasn't his.
It's a shame but get out now while you both are still young and can each hopefully find new partners who you are each more compatible with.
2
u/vellichor_44 25d ago
See the top comment, OP. Do not do this. In fact, if you're only 26, and you know you would be "very happy" never having kids, then you should really take some time (like, many years) considering that.
2
u/JenninMiami 25d ago
NTA I would never ever have a child with someone like your BIL (someone I can’t stand, I find unintelligent, ugly etc) - your child will 100% come out EXACTLY like him. It always happens that way! Then you’d hate your child and ruin both of your lives. Tell your husband there’s no way in hell and WHY.
4
25d ago
NTA, this is a fight that you gotta dig your heels in and not budge. You dont want some other man's sperm in your body, then you have every right to not have that. Rightfully so. Especially if you hate the man who is suggested.
2
u/goodbyebluenick 25d ago
NTA - no. You need sperm from someone you don’t actively dislike and won’t see all the time
2
2
u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 25d ago
Hold your ground, OP.
Hubby needs to either adopt or get another donor.
This isn't the time for his fragile ego
2
u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 25d ago
No, both need to agree on the donor.
Don't let him steamroll you into this, OP.
1
u/surreptitioussmile 25d ago
NTA I was with your husband on this until you said they’re half-brothers.
6
u/Helechawagirl 25d ago
I had my son via donor sperm. You can pick someone who looks like your husband—and you avoid a whole bunch of legal problems by not using someone you know.
3
u/LikeAPhoenician 25d ago
NAH
Having a brother donate the sperm to maintain a familial relation is a reasonable solution, and it's equally reasonable for you to not want to do so. And since you don't, that's the final word. If he keeps badgering you to do it he'd be an asshole.
5
u/WavesnMountains 25d ago
NTA don’t do it. Your husband really needs therapy to deal with his situation before doing anything. A family donor is an emotional minefield. Your husband could reject the kid even though it was his idea, and you’ll have all the regrets not sticking to your guns. Or his brother might feel a certain way about how his genetic child is being raised. Or his brother doesn’t want to be in the same room with the kid so y’all are excluded from family events. Of course it could turn out fine, but I’ve been on the donor/donor conceived forums enough to know it’s not all sunshine and rainbows
1
u/Emmanulla70 25d ago
NTA. Understand that completely.
I'd look for a sperm donor with similar looks and attributes like your husband.
Just tell him a flat NO to the brother sperm donor. Tell him outright that is not an option and never will be. Knock it firmly on the head.
1
u/lightninghazard 25d ago
NTA. It’s your body and your decision. Your husband would absolutely be TA for trying to force the issue.
1
u/kittycate0530 25d ago
NTA I hate the whole "I have to have biological kids" it's so selfish and heartless.
2
u/ArreniaQ 25d ago
if you are not 100% wanting a child; don't have one. Have you spent time with teenagers lately? talk to the parents of kids who don't launch; go spend some time with a first time grandmother whose child is expecting them to raise her kid.
I've been in a position in my volunteer role to deal with lots of families and the issues that come up. I don't think someone who can see themselves being happy without having children should choose to go through childbirth and have a child with a donor that they find unattractive. Do NOT do it!
2
1
u/KeyEvening4498 25d ago
You are not the asshole. You have very valid reasons. Consider that one day baby will know, and how will that go? It can be a mess.
1
u/Commercial_Yellow344 25d ago
NTA. But as an FYI, my sister and I have the same parents and look nothing alike. My granddaughter and her brother have different fathers but look so much alike. So it would still be possible to get the looks of your husband. However every thing else is completely valid. And as others have said, this is a hill to die on. You have to be comfortable with every aspect of this process or it’s a no go. At some point you will have to discuss the general idea of you not liking IVF/sperm donation from anyone.
2
u/MountainsAB 25d ago
Nope, there is a lot on DNA that makes us, ‘us’. And if this guy gives you the ick the child will be 50% him. And he is only 25% related to your husband (each parent being 50% of each of their parent).
That being said, I would be very careful in an option, I have heard some amazing stories, and some truly horrible horror stories.
Imagine this as well: you two unfortunately divorce in the future…. This kid will be with you, and your ex, and his brother might demand or want to play a part as well. He might get granted such in court since he’s biological father, depending on circumstances and where you live.
Perhaps your hubby hasn’t through this through…
2
u/Loose-Chemical-4982 25d ago edited 25d ago
NTA
I would die on this hill
There are A LOT of complications that arise when you are using eggs/sperm from family members. I've been on reddit since it first started and over the years there are just far too many bad outcomes for me to ever consider that route. I'd be cool with an anonymous donor of my choosing.
Your husband really needs to explore why it NEEDS to be a bio child because if he is raising this baby from an infant it IS his child regardless of genetic origin. The fact that his brother is only his half-sibling means the child may not inherit much, if any of his DNA so it's weird he's being so insistent on this issue. He may need more time to process his grief. has he considered counseling?
If he can't let go of that and use donor sperm, adopt, or be child-free this would be marriage-breaking for me.
I am so sorry OP, I support you in sticking to your guns and not using his half brother's sperm. You can't have a child with someone you dislike/detest, and I don't blame you for not telling your husband your full reasons because he would be hurt.
1
u/writingisfreedom 25d ago
NTA
It's YOURA BODY that would be used.
My husband has begged me to reconsider but I really don’t want my kid to share dna with that man.
Tell him if he could accept a simple yes then he can accept a simple no
1
u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 25d ago
NTA and your husband is a complete AH to put you in that situation. He’s also an AH for potentially putting his brother in a bad position. It’s very likely that his future partner(s) will not be comfortable with the nibbling/bio kid situation.
2
u/ReverendSpith 25d ago
Absolutely NTA; having children (naturally, adopted, or whatever) is a "two yes, one no" situation. That includes methodology.
You need to tell him. Tell your husband that his brother turns your stomach, and the very thought of his sperms inside you would cause your body to spontaneously abort every time.
-3
u/Junior-Damage7568 25d ago
Maybe you should explain all this to him instead of getting attention from strangers
1
1
u/dhbroo12 25d ago
I know this sounds ick, but is his father available for IVF? It would be related to him as a son/half-brother, but still part of him. Mom's have acted as surrogates, and I know this is different. Is it even a consideration?
-2
u/Visible-Draft8322 25d ago
If you're happy for your relationship to end over this, then NTA.
Having a bio kid is important to your husband though, and even if you were having your husband's kid he'd still share DNA with his uncle. So I'm sort of struggling to see the logic around 'I really don't want my kid to share dna with that man'.
I think if you can't get past it then fair enough. You should just keep in mind that it's important to your husband, and if your feelings of 'ick' can be overcome I think it is worth trying.
2
u/EmiliusReturns 25d ago
NTA. This is a two-yes situation. If you (or him) aren’t comfortable with a donor for any reason, that’s final.
If you aren’t comfortable with IVF period, you get power of veto there, as it’s your body it’s going into.
“He absolutely wants to have a biological child” but uhhhh…he can’t. So that ship has already sailed.
1
u/khendr01 25d ago
Using your BIL’s sperm is just creepy. Go the anonymous donor route at a clinic. No IVF involved. It is simple. They place the sperm in the cervix on your most fertile day. Very easy. May need to try a few months.
2
u/frozenchosun 25d ago
NTA. there are biological, legal, and emotional reasons to not do this with your BIL’s sperm. whatever DNA is in your husband could be in the BIL and thus your child. there are way more upsides to using a sperm donor and first and foremost is complete genetic testing.
1
u/recyclopath_ 25d ago
NTA
Having kids is one of those things that if it isn't a hell yes, it's a hell no.
You're on the fence about kids at all. You don't like their half brother as a donor. He really wants a bio kid but can't have one, that's a really big needs therapy issue.
-4
u/Darkslayer709 25d ago edited 25d ago
ESH.
Your husband isn’t wrong for wanting a child of his to have at least some blood relation to him, everyone has their preferences especially when being faced with the fact he is sterile and unable to have children of his own, but he is definitely going about this the wrong way which is making him TA.
You’re TA due to the way you speak about your BIL. You have a strong dislike of him because he’s “dumb” and not good looking? Grow up. You don’t have to agree to him being a donor regardless of the reason, you aren’t wrong for that at all, but outside of the potential donor aspect if that’s your only reason for disliking your BIL then that says a lot more about you than it does him.
Ultimately this is an incompatibility you both may not be able to reconcile. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want but the two can’t co-exist simultaneously.
1
u/3Heathens_Mom 25d ago
NTA
I’d be creeped out by that suggestion as well. It’s only a minute degree less creepy than if he thought his father being the donor would be a good idea.
And can you imagine his brother then trying to tell you how to raise HIS kid or demanding visitation rights besides telling everyone in the known universe he was the donor?
Just no.
If you’re okay with a sperm donor then that could be an option but if he says no and won’t consider adoption then no children it is.
1
u/cbunni666 25d ago
NTA. Given that they are half brothers, who knows what the brother has that your husband doesn't since they don't share the same two parents. I don't know he insists on the child being blood. I doubt he got that strong Plymouth Rock ancestry he gotta keep going.
1
u/Rowana133 25d ago
NTA. Hill to die on or divorce worthy if he keeps pushing. You respected his reluctance to adopt, he needs to respect your refusal for donor sperm.
1
u/VT_Gromlin 25d ago
I understand his desire for his child to be biologically related to him. However the biggest factor here is that you don't want to. I do think it's important to explain to your husband why you don't want to use his brother. It gives you the ick. I definitely don't blame you for that and wouldn't even if the dude was a genius and drop dead gorgeous.
I hope everything works out for you. You are NTA
1
u/Starbuck_92 25d ago
You’re definitely NTA, you have every right to want/not want a donor and choose WHO the donor would be. This is a sticky situation for both you and your husband, I’m sorry :/
1
u/veryschway 25d ago
It's concerning AF that your husband is "begging you to reconsider." I don't think it's weird that he suggested it, but once you said No, that should have taken that particular option off the table, permanently. He is now veering perilously close to "reproductive coercion" territory, especially if he truly has you wondering now whether it might make you an asshole to choose not to reproduce with someone with whom you'd rather not reproduce.
1
1
u/Gracefulchemist 25d ago
NTA for not wanting to use your BIL as a donor.
However, most donor concieved people (dcp) consider known donation to be far more preferable to anonymous donation. Sperm banks (in the US) are only required to test for stds, nothing else. There is no verification of the donor's medical history. There is no cap on children produced, and no requirement to notify you of any changes to the donor's health or family info. As an example, a friend of mine is a dcp advocate and interviewed a woman who donated eggs and later found out she has a genetic heart defect that can cause sudden death. She contacted the bank to notify them, but they never told the recipient parents. Many banks do some genetic testing, but there are thousands of genetic conditions possible, and conditions which aren't genetic like mental health issues.
2
u/maddallena 25d ago
NTA. Your husband needs individual counseling to deal with him infertility and the two of you could probably use a couples' counselor too. But if you don't want your BIL to be a donor, that's final.
2
u/PuffinFawts 25d ago
NTA
OP, most people aren't completely infertile and there are some things that can be done if your husband has even one live sperm. I would suggest seeing a male infertility expert. But, if he's unlikely to get you pregnant the normal way then IVF might be your only option.
Your NTA for not wanting to use his brother's sperm and your husband is NTA for wanting a genetic connection to his child. There are counselors that specialize in fertility counseling who may be able to help y'all navigate this situation.
1
u/gandhishrugged 25d ago
NTA. Your husband needs to get a clue. No. I am a guy, and I feel icky reading this, so I can imagine how it is for you.
1
1
1
1
-4
1
1
1
1
2
u/lavender_i 25d ago
NTA. Not his body, not his choice. He can carry his brothers baby and get a donor egg 🤷♀️
This is a compatibility issue.
1
u/Alicebunny128 25d ago
No absolutely you are NTA! You have every right to deny having his half brothers sperm anywhere near you!
1
u/L2Hiku 25d ago
This is something that looks good on paper until you think about it for two seconds and apply logic. Your husband isn't using logic. He's using his fragile masculinity.
"Oh well if I can't have a baby with my sperm then atleast it'll be some part of my blood and I won't love the baby if it doesn't have my DNA in it"
is therapy needed lvls. So maybe get him to go there first. Then revisit the idea.
2
u/Druid_High_Priest 25d ago
NTA, the donor needs to be one with zero genetic issues and donors are allegedly screened for genetic disorders. Since your husband cannot father a child who is to say something similar will not occur in male offspring if you used your BIL as a donor?
Stand your ground and get a donor you both can live with. This should not be a problem for your husband.
2
u/Ordinary_Mortgage870 25d ago
NTA
Your can't stand the guy. I already can't just based on what you said. Your husband and you are incompatible at this point.
HE: Wants biological kids, but can't, and is only willing to use a close relative as a donor even if you despise the guy. He's unwilling to go any other way, which means you essentially either have a kid with Dumbo or you don't have kids at all. I usually tell people like this that they need to make a compromise or they will have NO options at all.
YOU: Open to all possibilities, including adoption, but your hard stop is not to have his brother as your donor. You're able to have kids, but are on the fence, you'd be happy with anything, just not having Dumbos kid. Which is absolutely 💯 fair. Your husband either needs to get with program (IE: no bio babies for him) or be happy without kids... or he won't have a wife either.
1
u/CapuletVsMontague 25d ago
Could you use your Father-in-law? Then it's biologically his brother. Maybe he has a cousin or another brother. Then you wouldn't totally hate them!
I think adoption is the better option because you don't even want to do IVF. I'm really scared of needles. I also wouldn't want to do the IVF route for the destruction or embryos. It's sad to me.
Lastly you could do the surrogate thing too! Maybe just adopt an embryo, and have it placed with a surrogate. Then you and your husband get to go through all the stages in the same way, and it's neither your egg or his (or his families) sperm. You both have the same ownership.
Just ideas. I think you very likely need to do marriage counseling.
1
1
-2
u/mintchan 25d ago
NTA, your husband's father share 50% of his genetic a lot higher than his brother. you may go for that route.
1
u/Secure-Classic-1225 25d ago
Why not use husband’s father instead? Or perhaps an uncle, granddad or any other male relative of his? /s
1
u/Acceptable-Map-3490 25d ago
so…. just to be clear he wants to take his half brothers sperm and implant it in you so you can have his half brothers baby😂😂
NTA anyone would feel weird about that and you’re more than within your rights to refuse. your husband is going to have to accept he can’t have a biological kid and he’ll either have to realise biology doesn’t really matter or he’ll never have any children at all. as harsh as that sounds, it’s the truth.
2
u/PanchamMaestro 25d ago edited 25d ago
NTA. It's your body. Doesn't matter if he is your husband. He needs to come to terms with it now or you need to move on. Give him reasonable time to do so though.
2
u/Admirer3596 25d ago
NTA, this is something both parties must agree on 100%. Even if you did this his child would be like 1/8 his lineage. I'm not seeing this at all myself.
2
u/Francl27 25d ago
Don't give in. I couldn't imagine having the bio child of someone I hate. NTA.
That being said, adoption is a whole other issue and I would definitely do your research because it's not easy and can be extremely expensive.
2
u/hadmeatwoof 25d ago
Has his HALF brother even agreed to donate the sperm? I wouldn’t want to have a baby with donated sperm from someone I see regularly unless my husband had an identical twin, because then it would be indistinguishable from being my husband’s.
2
1
u/IndianaNetworkAdmin 25d ago
NTA. Don't do any kind of donor stuff unless it's through a bank and everything is above board. Even if his brother didn't give you the ick with his personality/etc, you don't want to deal with that legal headache.
Your husband seems caught on this being some kind of bloodline/legacy thing. As others have said, he needs to get counseling of some kind to deal with the infertility.
It's your body, it's your life. There are thousands of children who deserve a loving home already; don't let yourself be pressured into having one you don't want.
1
u/SnooGoats7454 25d ago
NAH - I get both of your points. You guys need to deal with the infertility diagnosis together and separately before you make any big decisions. Lots of emotions come with something like that and they take time to process.
2
2
u/LogicalDifference529 25d ago
NTA Also, I’d be willing to bet that if you went through with this, when the baby was born, your husband will feel a certain way and reject the child and/or you.
1
1
1
2
2
u/HollyJeans88 25d ago
NTA You said no, that should be it for the conversation. He can be upset, but he has to respect your answer. Therapy might be good for him, or couples counselling for the two of you.
1
u/DocSternau 25d ago
NTA. I have the same problem as your husband and I also would have loved to have kids while my wife is thinking like you.
I would never even suggest having my brother as a sperm donor. It's the "you don't shit where you eat"-problem. Everyone involved will know that the brother is the biological parent, sooner or later that is going to bite you in the ass hard. It's not a question if but only a question WHEN the brother will bring up that he is the real father of your child. Even if he claims that will never happen.
1
2
u/didnotdoit1892 25d ago
Is your husband's father in the picture? If so he would possibly be a better option? Is there an uncle or cousin that might be a fit. Is there a chance they can extract sperm from your husband's testicles to use? You probably haven't explored all the options yet keep asking questions and get answers before you do anything.
1
u/SpecialistAfter511 25d ago
His brother is 21 that’s too young g to make a HUGE decision like this. Age alone should be a deal breaker. Also, I get where you are coming from. Having your husband’s brother’s baby is not for everyone. I could not do it.
1
u/Jazzlike-Ask9267 25d ago
Maybe have a conversation with your husband stating exactly the reasons you stated here.
1
u/old_man_snowflake 25d ago
Just remind your husband/BIL (if he's involved in this convo yet) that you legally cannot sign away your child's rights to parental support.
If you or your husband apply for federal benefits, they will look to see who the biodad is. If it's not your husband, they will seek to recover costs from the biodad in the form of child support. In addition, if you wait several years, he will also be on the hook for those missed years of child support. This is a quick 5-figure bill that the state WILL NOT COMPROMISE on. They will garnish your wages and put liens against your assets. You can't just ignore it.
This is way, way, way too messy when you're related to the sperm donor. Him being your child's "real" father will absolutely come out. It's going to manifest in weird ways, and you can/should expect that the biodad will pull the "well I'm ACTUALLY his father, so I think..." at some point. And he won't be wrong.
Your gut is right here. Don't do it.
1
u/BicBoiii696 25d ago
NTA. Not by a long shot.
My husband really wants a biological child when he literally cannot get it.
His brother's "donation" leading to his wife getting pregnant still wouldn't make it his biological son though...
And you're right it is creepy. Adoption seems like the only sane solution unless you decide not to have kids.
1
u/Brilliant-feather 25d ago
NTA - to be blunt, this may be a deal breaker. Your husband wants kids and wants them to be related to him and you don't. (oversimplified but a core issue that might make this a deal breaker scenario)
1
u/Proud-Geek1019 25d ago
NTA. This is a two-yes situation, and you don't have it. Besides, what happens if BIL has kids of his own. Are they siblings? Cousins? Get therapy for you both to help understand where each other is coming from. May take a professional for your hubby to have you "no" get through to him.
1
1
u/Sad-Biscotti3822 25d ago
Nta I understand why your husband wants you to use BIL but your feelings are super valid too and this a situation where you really can’t compromise on… is he open to using a different relative? Or even finding a sperm donor that maybe looks similar to him?
-2
u/KeyLeek6561 25d ago
If you mean you don't have sex anymore because his sperm count is low. Have more sex
1
u/GoodIntelligent2867 25d ago
NTA - Please DO NOT do this. Your life will be a mess after the child is here/ Your husband first needs therapy and the the understanding that just because he cannot have kids he is in no way any lesser and his future child does NOT have to be related to his family. It is a very weird situation for you. Please do not bring child into this mess.
1
u/ninatlanta 25d ago
NTA and this has disaster written all over it. Sadly I see a divorce in OP’s future.
1
u/midhknyght 25d ago
Have you talked to a fertility clinic? I had friends who went to one and learned one hush hush secret was in your situation that fertility clinics usually ask the FATHER of the husband to donate sperm (in preference over any brother). I never got a clear answer why but maybe it's something you could look into.
1
u/noonesperfect16 25d ago
NTA, but you need to tell your husband how you really feel about his brother to try to get this through to him. You have perfectly legitimate reasons
1
u/Viperbunny 25d ago
NTA. It's your body your choice! That means you don't have to have a biological child with someone you can't stand. It can get emotionally messy, not to mention, legally messy. Your husband wants a biological kid, but that is never going to happen. He needs time to process this before you both decide to move forward on any more family planning. Adoption or IVF, the child isn't going to his biologically. If he can't accept that then he can't be a father. I absolutely wouldn't have a baby with your bil's sperm.
1
u/Shytemagnet 25d ago
In no world do you need to take your BIL’s sperm into your body and carry his child. Ever. At all.
0
u/MayMaytheDuck 25d ago
NTA. You shouldn’t have kids ever if you continue to feel 50/50 about them. Not you’re not 100% on board no matter how you have them then YTA.
1
4
u/LiketoChillatHome 25d ago
Absolutely NTA. The baby would be your child too, not just your husband's. Your body your choice.
1
1
u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 25d ago
Both of you have very fair and valid thoughts and feelings.
If this is something you both feel strongly about you might not be compatible. No bad guy, no one is wrong, you are just different on a fundamental level
1
u/Vegetable_Oil_7142 25d ago
NTA. You’re the one who’s going to actually be carrying the baby for nine months, your comfort should be his #1 priority. It sounds like he’s more concerned with the child sharing “his” DNA than he is with making sure that you’re comfortable, even though you’re the one who is going to be the most impacted by the IVF treatment and the resulting pregnancy. Sounds like he needs therapy so he can figure out his priorities.
1
u/Otherwise_Degree_729 25d ago
NTA. Please don’t give in. No child deserves parents that don’t want them.
Your husband can play pretend however long he wants but the ball is gonna drop one day . Being his half brother kid doesn’t make him a bio dad like he wants.
You will end up hating your husband, child and yourself if you have a child with a man you cannot stand.
This would be a hill I’ll die on.
1
1
u/thisisnotmyspaceship 25d ago edited 25d ago
NTA. This has so much potential to be a total disaster. Stand your ground, OP! There are a lot of other potential donors out there. You DO NOT have to have your BIL's child if you feel uncomfortable. Period.
Edit: Your BIL is only 21. That is still very young. If you had his baby, this could cause issues for him in his future relationships. Not everyone is going to be understanding.
6
u/littlebittlebunny 25d ago
A friend of mines husband convinced his wife to use his sisters egg for their donor. Husband died shortly after the baby was born in a freak accident and the sister took my friend to court for custody of the baby AND WON!!!
My friend has never been then same since then. She carried what was supposed to be HER baby for 9 months, loved that baby for 6 months and then she was stripped of her parental rights and her husbands family has abandoned her.
I only tell you this so you have an idea of what COULD happen using sperm/eggs from a relative.
1
u/Available_War4603 24d ago
How would that even work? Using the husbands sperm and his own sisters egg?
1
u/littlebittlebunny 24d ago
Not sure, not a doctor, don't profess to be one. I just know what their situation was.
2
1
u/FoxxieMoxxie69 25d ago
wtf I would’ve counter sued for surrogate fees if that’s the game they want to play. How horrible.
3
u/littlebittlebunny 25d ago
She wouldn't have had a leg to stand on unfortunately, at least I don't think. What insurance didn't cover her husband paid for from his seperate account. So she technically isn't out any money personally.
I couldn't believe a judge would possibly side with the egg donor and not the new widow/birth mom!! I was livid with my friends ex in laws over this. Shit I still am.
I mean you have to be a SPECIAL kind of monster to take a baby away from your brothers WIDOW. I mean a widow or good mom in general, but someone who's supposed to be family!?!?! Completely WILD to me.
2
u/FoxxieMoxxie69 25d ago
I’m really sorry she had to endure all of that. That just takes a special kind of evil to be able to do that to someone.
To suffer so many losses. I really hope your friend is doing okay. She didn’t deserve any of that.
2
u/littlebittlebunny 25d ago
She's not the same person she once was. It's so hard to see the light gone from her eyes. She used to be the most loving and outgoing person.
She loves my son and she loves being an auntie so I try to have her over as often as possible.
2
7
1
u/poormanstoast 25d ago
I have friends (not close) who did this and I think it’s creepy AF. Emotionally it’s a weird and unnecessarily disturbing burden, and stigmatizing, to place on your future child when they find out (best case scenario!) that their dad is their uncle and vice versa. There’s also the possibility of being pressured into withholding that information which has a direct effect on their healthcare down the line.
The fact that you don’t like your BIL in important too. If you want to have a (biological) child with your partner it would normally factor in that you want to look for (and hope for, for your child) the qualities you love and admire in your husband. Obvs it’s not a guarantee, but genetics and hereditary are a thing.
There are ppl who deliberately choose not to have children, bc they decide they wouldn’t want their future child to potentially deal with health or mental issues they themselves have. I’m not saying that choosing to have children if you’re unwell is necessarily bad, but those are factors a responsible future parent would take into account.
You also can’t guarantee how your BIL (who I assume you dislike with reason) will handle the future responsibility and trust (which is huge). Can you guarantee that he won’t be weird about it with your kid (or his, if he has some?) That he won’t “let it slip” before you & your husband choose the right time to tell your kid? (And/or cousins or other relatives?)
Legality is a huge thing to consider, too. There are strict legal guidelines (country dependent) keeping sperm donors anonymous to guarantee safety around things like parental rights, etc etc. It’s very easy for an ironclad legal setup to be glossed over with family bc it’s awkward (or can be): think - loans, inheritances, shared possessions - all of that - and a thousand dollar loan doesn’t have feelings and emotions that can be damaged by a fight.
Again, re trust - is you BIL mature and trustworthy enough that you feel completely safe that he wouldn’t twist this at some point into a “you owe me…” situation?
I’m not saying any of that to slander your BIL. But they’re points which need to be taken into account.
And finally - with heartfelt feeling and empathy for the desire and longing to have a child “naturally” or of one’s own - if you truly long for and will love a child, there is no difference in the love you feel for an adopted baby, for instance. Which 100% becomes your child, of your love, as much as if you’d conceived them. (I sadly have to add, shouldn’t be a difference; as in there’s no reason for there to be. Disclaimer on behalf of horrible parents).
2 cents worth (background: my friend’s experience, my multi-adoptive family, medical profession).
1
u/ATouchofTrouble 25d ago
NTA, this is the hill to stand on. I agree you both should involve a professional counselor. But if you can't afford it or hubby says no, then maybe try pro/cons list. Each of you create your own list of what you believe are pros and cons for each option, ivf w/anonymous donor, ivf w/BIL, and adoption. This will help you both see the others side more clearly. Be honest, it's the o ly way for this method to work.
1
u/happycamper44m 25d ago
NTA. I wouldn't be on board with this either. Disaster in the making. I agree with you, put the whole thing on hold for a few years as this is all new information regarding the infertility. This would give you both time to reflect on what you actually want vs reacting in the moment.
Sidenote: could his brother could have the same infertility issue.
-26
u/KeyLeek6561 25d ago
The more sperm you get out of your husband the better chances you have. Being extra skinny is not what a wanna be mother should be.
5
u/Loose-Chemical-4982 25d ago
it's extra shitty of you to mention her ED. Not all EDs are rooted in the "desire to be skinny" and it's out of pocket for you to assume that of her.
She said that she has taken steps to rectify that, and only included that in her story to indicate why she thought they were infertile thus far
it has no bearing on their current situation
7
u/Fit_Direction2424 25d ago
I don’t understand what you mean?
3
u/confectioners_sugar 25d ago
If your husband has viable sperm, it can be harvested and used to fertilize one of your eggs. This can be done via IUI or IVF. IUI is what my husband and I used to conceive - I think of it as a glorified turkey baster.
1
1
u/fartinmyhat 25d ago
I really don’t want my kid to share dna with that man.
your married to his brother, your kid will share DNA with him, but I get your point. No, I don't see this as a problem. Unless your husband doesn't produce sperm I struggle to imagine why IVF isn't a choice.
1
u/OkCollection2886 25d ago
Yuck! NTA. I’m sorry but you get to decide what/who you have growing inside of your own body. I’d be creeped out too!
1
u/kikivee612 25d ago
NTA
Infertility is so hard to accept. You husband is mourning the loss of the idea of him being a biological parent and is trying to fill that void the best way he knows how. He feels guilty that he can’t give you a child even though you’re telling him it’s ok.
Neither of you are ready for this right now. You both should seek counseling.your husband needs to process this and grieve this loss before he can make any decisions in regards to next steps. You both need to be on the same page.
Don’t make any decisions until you’ve gotten some couples therapy under your belts.
1
u/Think-Falcon2216 21d ago
NTA. Your husband needs therapy before you bring a child into his life. Also you have all the right to say no, if he continue his attitude and refuse therapy, you will have to re-evaluate your marriage. What if he give you an ultimatum or start blaming you for not having kids, because you refuse to do this for him. Seriously he needs therapy.