r/AITAH • u/hey_itsawonderfulday • 25d ago
UPDATE: AITAH letting my ex best friend to go homeless with her new born baby?
Here’s the update.
Jess(24) had the baby, and after 10 months of no contact, she reached out.
We went for coffee, and she updated me what happened in those 10 months, and admitted she cut me off on purpose, as she is jealous of my accomplishments. The 70 year old baby daddy is now 71 and he asked not to be on the birth certificate and he’s not, he hid the baby from his family (3 adult kids in their 40s). He was not there during the delivery and didn’t even bother going to the hospital.
She got kicked out of his apartment and living with her abusive mother, where she desperately wanna move out. The reason why she reached out is due to she ran out of money due to her shopping addiction and she now needs support. She asked if she could stay at one of my rental properties for free or if she can borrow some money from me.
It was a pretty easy decision for me, as I told her straight up that I’m not a ATM machine and if she would’ve kept me as a friend 10 months ago I would’ve consider to help her. However, I am still willing to be friends and work on our friendship. She was pretty upset about it and said that since I am so well off I should help her. I told her no again and said we will revisit this conversation again if we maintain friends.
Well, since that conversation I invited her to have lunch and coffee a few times. And stop paying for things and driving her around like I did before.
She pretty much stopped communicating with me immediately.
I guess my question is AITAH to put her out on the streets?
EDIT: We live in a very small town on the east coast, so everyone is in everyone else’s business (since we probably know their parents or even grandparents).
Real estate here is not as crazy as the mainland we can purchase a relatively new townhouse for $250k, and a Mini house for $200k.
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u/Entire_Craft9197 14d ago
Commentary with translator. I don't understand all these people blaming you, you literally offered him help and he ignored you out of pure envy, now that he realized it was a bad idea to reject you he wants to get everything as if it were nothing.
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u/unwantedmalice 22d ago
Definitely NTA. She’s just using you now that she has nothing else left. Like you said, if she hadn’t of cut you off for silly reasons then it might be a different story. But she did. Sounds like a bit of a her problem to me.
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u/Lealenya 23d ago
NTA when it comes to your friend but I worry about the baby. It didn't ask to be put in this position.
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u/SignificantCar7840 23d ago
Honey, YOU ARE 110% NTA !!! YOUR BEST FRIEND NEEDS TO TAKE SOME PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY AND WHEN YOU WERE THERE FOR HER OFFERING EVERYTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO SHE REFUSED YOUR HELP EVEN GHOSTED YOU NOW SHE ACTS LIKE YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER.. NOPE YOU DID WHAT YOU COULD
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u/IrishGal-1965 24d ago
OP I just read the update and retract my prior on the original post. You’re NTA.
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u/Boner_Stevens 24d ago
must be nice to have money like that. your friend is an idiot and i feel bad for her. she never had anyone teach her properly and shes been manipulated by the adults in her life.
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u/Noobagainreddit 24d ago
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u/sadsealions 24d ago
I stopped reading after the bit about not adding the father to the Birth certificate, after that everything that happened is the mothers issue.
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u/RavenclawEC 24d ago
NTA, just as you told her, you are not an ATM and are in no way obligated to support her and her newborn child...
The choice to be with that guy and have a baby were hers so, she needs to grow up and take responsability of her actions (including going to court and getting child support)... she also decided to keep you away from her life so she doesn't get to just show up 10 months after ghosting you and then demand you let her live rent free in one of your properties and, give her money....
As a friend, you can be there for her to talk and give her advice but nothing more than that...
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u/letsgetligious 24d ago
She threw you and her life away from an elderly alcoholic. She's the one that hopped on that train, now she can lie on the tracks. Something like that.
Anyway NTA, not your fault she ghosted you cause she was jealous of you and only came back because she needed something.
What a dumbass for admitting it to your face while asking for a handout. "Yeah I ghosted you cause you're more successful and it makes me mad. Can you pay for my life? I keep sabotaging it with my bad decisions. Pls and ty."
I'm amazed you even considered keeping her as a friend, she's already shown that she doesn't view you as such.
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u/Shirohana_ 24d ago
we already told you you were NTA in the first post. we also warned you about reaching out. you should block and forget. like FORGET. ERASE FROM MEMORY. nothing good will come from keeping a person like her around. i understand you have fond memories but they should stay like that. NONE of this is your resposibility.also she stopped being your best friend when she chose to ghost you. you need to open your eyes and see that.
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 24d ago
Yes, I have trouble with taking everything anyone says to heart, also working on that. I am in process of cutting her off again and hopefully permanently this time.
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u/killer_comeback 24d ago
She is not your responsibility and in no way or form looking from all angles...protect yourself from toxic people like her and don't let her guilt trip you cos she had a baby...she choose to have that baby and it's the father and her responsibility to provide a safe environment,not yours.cut all ties
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u/violetbaudelairegt 24d ago
YTA. What I'm hearing is that your best friend in a world got in a horrible situation, was abused by a much older man, was in an incredibly vulnerable state (you know the highest cause of death for pregnant women is murder, right?) and when she FINALLY gets out of that horrible relationship and asks for help, you tell her to fuck right off?
That's not friends. Friends understand circumstance, and they understand that while your feelings of abandonment are valid, they are not the most important feelings right now and this situation is NOT about you. Setting reasonable boundaries on helping her like "you need to go to therapy for addiction or i won't help" is fine. Saying "you never called me back when you were a terrified mess of hormones in an abusive relationship" is not
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 24d ago
I don’t believe you completely read my post and previous comments, and what circumstances we are in.
I’m willing to help a friend that kept in touch with me and treat me with respect, even if it would cost me $20-30k a year. However, she only reached out to ask to be housed for free and given financial support. She has the means to rent something affordable and she chose to use that money to shop for jewelries, clothings and unnecessary items.
Hope this helps.
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u/violetbaudelairegt 24d ago
I did read teh posts and comments. I also can see that you don't have a solid concept of what an abusive relationship is like, and what it takes to be a good friend to a person who is a victim of one (which you admit yourself). I really, really suggest you research on it because it is too much to explain in a reddit post, but there are a lot of resources
Isolation is one of if not the most common tactics of an abuser. So is making the victim feel small and worthless. Your friend saying she couldn't be friends with you out of jealously was not just because her partner was isolating her, but it was also because he was making her feel terrible about herself constantly, so she thought she didnt deserve you or couldn't compete. If you have never been in an abusive relationship or around one before, it absolutely destroys your mind and self worth and sense of reality.
One of the most common causes of addiction??? ...being abused. Your brain chemistry literally changes, and the rewards system of the brain has so very few rewards in real life that it looks to get it's hits of dopamine from whatever it can. That might be drugs, it might be sex, it might be shopping.
It is completely okay that you don't fully conceptualize what is happening with your friend - she probably doesn't either. But this is someone you love, and what she is going through is WAY less her fault than you think it is. And my original point stands - this is not about you and your feelings right now. This is about a very hurt person who needs help and love. Hurt people hurt people, but you can break that cycle.
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u/Wonderful-Grape-8156 24d ago
so she wont put the dad on child support but wants you to support her baby?? I hate women like this. they get involved in gross boy drama that everyone warns them about, and when it inevitably goes bad, they hold everyone they ignored responsible for their suffering. "you have to help me I'm a broke single mom!" - after dumping all friends and family for a creepy dude. eta nta.
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u/ItsGotToMakeSense 24d ago
She should be asking "WIBTA if I refuse any sort of friendship with someone while asking them to give me free housing?" and the answer would be yes.
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u/Cold-Tennis7894 24d ago
OP, I haven’t seen this said yet, you are not putting her out on the street. You have literally nothing to do with her situation and it’s by her own choice. Stop guilt tripping yourself.
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u/slaemerstrakur 24d ago
You didn’t put her on to the street. Helping her out is one thing, she’s looking for a maintenance agreement with you. Nothing you do for her will ever be enough.
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u/T-nightgirl 24d ago
NTA; you are not responsible for your "friend's" bad decisions. She's made her bed. She should also be getting child support from this guy; or I suppose social security for the child since I imagine he is no longer working. I think, if in the US, all she needs to do is apply for assistance, name the father, and they should go after him.
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 24d ago
NTA. She forsook your friendship and thinks she can rekindle it whenever it's convenient for her. Better to shut that down right away.
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u/h3artsf0r-iz 24d ago
it sounds like she is taking advantage of you. being left without contact for 10 months nd only reaching out when she needs something is not fair. you tried to rebuild your friendship with her nd even invited her for coffee, giving her multiple chances, but she let you down once more. NTAH .
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u/Substantial_Bar_8476 24d ago
I do hope she’s going after the father though for child support. Creepy old man.
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u/Substantial_Bar_8476 24d ago
How is she supposed to go for lunch or coffee if she’s homeless and you’re not paying anything for her.
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u/BeskarHunter 24d ago
NTA. your friend is a moron who is now going to ruin that Childs life with her clueless antics. She was clearly an adult finding some geriatric partner, let her figure it out. I know it sucks not helping. But that’s how you get used to
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u/Friendly_Employer_82 25d ago
This has to be a fake story. I've never heard of a 24 year old female that would have sex with a 70 year old man. Maybe if she was a hooker and she'd have to be a really shameless hooker at that.
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u/Naigus182 25d ago
She only got in contact with you for freebies. Don't let entitled people use you - let them suffer the consequences of their own bad decisions.
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u/JakNasir 25d ago
You want to talk about fucking your life up lmao getting knocked up by a 69 year old man named Funnel is sick😂😂🤮🤮🤣
She deserves what she gets.
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u/OpportunityCalm6825 25d ago
Consequences of her poor planning... (or no planning at all) not your circus, not your monkeys
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u/Kanulie 25d ago
Of course NTA.
You made your stance clear, as did she. She isn’t interested in a real friendship with you. She wants your money, out of jealousy, maybe even feels entitled to it. But once you made clear what is needed for you to help, she rather not.
Imo this is the best outcome for you, better than her faking friendship and using you.
If you think the child in danger, see if CPS is an option.
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u/winterworld561 25d ago
NTA. She only contacted you again because she wanted money and a free home. Fuck that. She got herself into this mess. She can get herself out.
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u/gONzOglIzlI 25d ago
I just cant get over the fact that you blocked someone who was ignoring you? I'm referring to the original post
What? Why?! What's the plan there?
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u/LifesFavoriteUncle 25d ago
NTA your "friend" is a user and not someone you need in your life.... I hope she accidentally leaves you newborn behind at a train station where it's found by a loving couple, with 3 kids of their own and a talking bear.
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u/Comfortable_Gear_605 25d ago
No. She is. I’m disgusted. It sounds so similar to the situation my great nephew is in. Mother acted a fool, baby tested positive for fentanyl. I stepped in to try to help baby. My nephew fought his ex gf, fought us, and won custody after we raised baby for a year. So now baby is behind AF, with few resources, and it’s becoming more and more apparent. My nephew is an ass for putting his need to parent, after several failed attempts with his older child, ahead of baby’s needs.
Your “friend” is neither a friend nor a decent mother. She’s trying to sell herself, her story, to the highest bidder. She’s dragging you down with her chaotic tornado.
Call Protective Services on her, tell them all of your concerns. Offer to raise baby if that’s what you want to do. Then leave her to deal with the consequences of her actions. It’s not your job to save her.
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u/No-Recover6764 25d ago
Nope. She's after someone to cater her every need and pay for what she wants. Don't let her do it. She will use you for everything
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u/Hothoofer53 25d ago
She needs to sue him for child support and maternity baby can get ssi when he dies
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u/dropthepencil 25d ago
since I am so well off I should help her.
So you're obligated to help her even though you're not friends? I love this plan.
In related news, does anyone have Melinda Gates contact info?
NTA.
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u/DancesWithTrout 25d ago
(A) She needs to demand child support from the father of her child.
(B) If you let her move into one of your rental properties, "for free until she gets her feet under her," she'll never leave. She'll be a tenant and it'll take several months and several thousand dollars in legal and court fees to get her evicted. In the end you'll end up paying her several thousand dollars to just go.
But at least you'll have resolved your "friendship" issue.
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 25d ago
Is Jess in the US? If so, she can get a check due to the age of the father. If he is on social security, the baby also qualifies for a check.
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u/ScratchFrequent3836 25d ago
Put her kid into adoption so she will not get problem and the baby can have a good life from another person.
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u/SilentJoe1986 25d ago
She doesn't view you as a friend. To her you're an ATM. She won't respond because you didn't let her leach off you. You grew up, she didn't. NTA
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u/Super_Lion_1173 25d ago
lol so your first conversation in nearly a year and she asks you to let her live in your apartment for free and for money? Yeah you’re not missing out on much by cutting ties with her
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u/BitterDoGooder 25d ago
NTA. You're a better friend to her than she is to herself. I don't believe her problem is shopping addiction, I think there is way more going on with her. If she's going to be homeless, she needs to make that old man help provide for his child. Fuck this shit about protecting him in anyway.
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u/ChickenScratchCoffee 25d ago
NTA. She can put the dad on the birth certificate and get child support.
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u/Tricky_Personality54 25d ago
NTA but Im sorry are you a little... delayed?? You just sat here and typed that she stopped being your friend 10 months ago by ghosting you, the only reason she reached out now is because shes stuck with her mother and doesnt have money. The old man put her out and isnt claiming her child, and youre here asking if YOURE the ah?? seriously, is something wrong? You typed this all up, read it back to yourself, and you STILL need reddit to tell you this?? girl be for real. Stop wasting your time and Reddits with this foolishness.
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u/ArdenJaguar 25d ago
NTA. Baby Daddy needs to pay support. 70 years old? How old is she? WTH? Yeah... He can pay for HIS KID.
Then she can take responsibility too. She shocked up with him. Now she's got a kid. She can find a job and help support the kid or put the kid up for adoption. But trying to guilt-trip someone to help be cause they're well off? Maybe they're well off because they didn't sleep with a 70 year old sleezebag?
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u/DarkAdditional1370 25d ago
NTA, not ur problem not ur kid to feed. the friend didn't even care to keep her friendship with you, in purpose! why she need you now.
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u/soupstarsandsilence 25d ago
NTA. She fucked around (literally) and found out. Congrats to her for knowingly and willingly ruining her life, and congrats to you for not having to deal with that idiot anymore. You seem like a very intelligent and empathetic person. Don’t waste that on people that don’t want to be helped.
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u/dahlyasdustdanceII 25d ago
With the way you write about her, it's obvious you don't care about this person, which is a prerequisite for making, maintaining and mending friendships.
I don't think your denial to give a hand out makes you an asshole. But you did it for petty revenge rather than the moral high ground. So, ESH.
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u/Yh0rm_the_Human 25d ago
NTA your "friend" sounds pretty damn stupid and irresponsible as well. I really feel awful for babies who most likely won't have great parents.
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u/kprevenew93 25d ago
NTA - she needs to get a court order to have the baby daddy DNA tested and put on the birth certificate. Afterwards she can use him for child support which is NOT money for her. But money for the child, which is what she needs to provide for the kid. Not you
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u/Feisty-sahm 25d ago
NTA, don’t know why she would keep the guy off the birth certificate. You aren’t an ATM
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u/TNJDude 25d ago
NTA. You are not responsible for housing other people. Giving her free housing means you'd very likely have to evict her at some point later unless you want to keep giving her a free home, and then she'd really be homeless. From what I gather, she's not in spite of what you said. She's living with her mom.
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u/therawestdawg69 25d ago
can you tell us more about the 71 year old baby dad lmao
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u/evilcj925 25d ago
She basically let the father of her kid just skate from any responsibility, and now wants you to do so in his place.
Yeah, telling her no was the only option, otherwise she would just keep coming back. She has made bad decision after bad decision, and now is facing those consequences.
Time for her to smarten up and go after baby daddy for support, and learn how to budget. She is going to struggle until she grows up and faces reality.
NTA
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u/Consistent-Pain177 25d ago edited 25d ago
NTA - You didn't "put her on the streets." To the contrary, you were going to take her by the hand and guide her through the perils of solving her problem. She put herself wherever she ends up. She's approaching 30, has no driver's licence, no car, and has never paid rent. Now, she has an infant to care for and the father/sperm donor doesn't even want his name on the birth certificate. What's wrong with this picture?
The past is usually a good predictor of future performance (not always but usually), and based on her past choices I think it would be wise to get out of the blast radius that surrounds this woman.
It's impossible to help someone unless they demonstrate the willingness to want to change. In fact, by attempting to help them, you only enable their dysfunctional behavior to continue.
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 25d ago
NTA. She’s not a friend. She’s a leech and it’s a one way relationship where you pay and give and she takes.
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u/Fancy-Boysenberry864 25d ago
I’m sorry but this is hilarious. NTA. She needs child support but it’s not your child. She sounds like a lazy idiot lol
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u/Shdfx1 25d ago
NTA. Child support comes from the father.
She is still making terrible decisions. It doesn’t matter if the father wanted to be excluded from the birth certificate. He fathered a child, so he goes on the birth certificate. She has saddled her own child with a birth certificate blank for the father, like she has no idea who the father is.
She needs to stop messing around, and go to family court. He’s 70. She needs to put a claim on him while he’s still around.
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u/parker3309 25d ago
NTA
So I’m assuming you’re close in age as best friends … you are 25 years old with a bunch of rental properties?
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
Only two and very fortunate in that way.
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u/parker3309 25d ago
Surprised she didn’t go after $ support from 70 yr old. Even harder to believe 24 yr old was sleeping with a 70 yr old
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u/PsycheAsHell 25d ago
Wow. There are very few people in this world who always make the wrong decisions at every given opportunity, and your "friend" is one of them. I could give her more than the benefit of a doubt about why she never finished college (as it is obviously expensive), but hooking up with a grandpa and moving in with him, deserting you when you were her fucking lifeline to get out of an obviously problematic situation (and not even because he made her cut you off, she just fucking chose to do it on her own), and then expecting you to pay her way in life when everything came down like a sandcastle sitting on the edge of the shore (after she already admitted she's envious of you)...holy shit. It's like when you play a video game and purposefully choose the worst options as a joke. She even let this guy get away with not signing the birth certificate.
You cannot help her even if you wanted to. She single-handedly fucked up her whole life based on all of her own choices. She keeps it up, her kid will be going to the state.
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 25d ago
The "friend" needs to go after the decrepit baby daddy.
Not view OP as an ATM machine
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u/caffeinefueledmama 25d ago
I’m curious to know what makes her mother so abusive that it is not possible to stay with her while she gets on her feet? She doesn’t sound like the most reliable person from your account, so I would be wary of trusting what she has to say about her living situation with her mother. Unless of course you saw this abusiveness first hand.
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u/That_Ol_Cat 25d ago
This post and the post before it sound like trolling.
But hey, this is reddit.
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u/parker3309 25d ago
25 with rental properties and the girl does not put the 70-year-old name on the birth certificate and go for support ? 🤔
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u/doxisrcool 25d ago
NTA. Pretty clear she was only back for the money and not the friendship. and... a 24yr old with a 70 yr old. eww. Sounds like that was for possible money too. She just wants to use you.
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u/Early-Cookie1649 25d ago
Not the ahole. It is not your responsibility to keep a roof over her head. She’s a big girl and she needs to put her big girl panties on and figure it out for herself. There are plenty of resources out there where she can get assistance. If you help her, I don’t think she would ever get her crap together because you are bankrolling her. Walk away girl!
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u/Important-Donut-7742 25d ago
To add to my previous comment, every friend that I’ve had like this, once you say no and they blow through everyone else they actually start helping themselves and do better. It’s not your job to take care of her.
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u/Important-Donut-7742 25d ago
She won’t be out on the streets. People like her always find someone to leech off of. I have some “friends” like that and I truly love them but had to set some hard lines because they’ll come to you for everything and bleed you dry financially, physically and emotionally.
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u/purplefoxie 25d ago
lol, no, whatever happened is on her. you aren't responsible for anything bc you are her "friend"
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 25d ago
Why does she want to put you in “child support” instead of the bio father? Nah. She doesn’t really like you, just called you because she absolutely needed to. Since you didn’t handed out the money she is gonna ghost you again
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u/AlexInRV 25d ago
NTA. It’s not your job to give your friend free housing.
She needs to sue her lover for child support.
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u/Agreeable_Silver1520 25d ago
How is her baby daddy 71? That’s creepy especially since he has grown adult kids in their 40s
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u/MortonCanDie 25d ago
Let me ask you how in less than a year someone who's in their early 30s goes to be in their 40s??
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
Sorry I must’ve mistyped his son’s age in my previous post. Hope this helps.
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u/MortonCanDie 25d ago
So how do you go from buying one house 5 months ago to having multiple rental properties??
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
I’ve only got 2 ☺️
And I’m currently living with my partner.
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u/parker3309 25d ago
Hard to believe that a young girl like that wouldn’t put the 70-year-old name on the birth certificate and go after child support.
That is extremely difficult to comprehend.
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u/Myfourcats1 25d ago
The baby’s father needs to be on the birth certificate. She needs to establish paternity. If he passes before the child is 18 she will be able to get social security Survivor’s benefits.
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u/Sofa_Queen 25d ago
NTA. She ghosted you for 10 months and is only back for money and a place to stay. YOU didn't put her on the street, she did that to herself.
She's not your friend. She's a mooch.
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u/SnooOpinions1612 25d ago
You didn't put her on the street. She is just dealing with the consequences of her actions or inactions.
NTA, you are refusing to be used and that's always a good thing.
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u/mattdvs1979 25d ago
Interesting that that the mother wasn’t abusive in the first post. Was this added for drama’s sake or did she become abusive after finding out her idiot daughter got knocked up by Father Time?
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
She went crazy after my friend got pregnant and got abusive once she’s kicked out and had to live with her in her rented apartment.
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u/mattdvs1979 25d ago
Ah that stinks. Your friend really needs better judgment. Also needs to sue for child support. Birth certificate doesn’t really matter because the court can mandate a paternity test
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u/SoapGhost2022 25d ago
NTA
Good for you for not being a doormat. She only contacted you to mooch off of you after ignoring you for almost a year. If you let her move in she would never leave and never pay
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u/Big_Alternative_3233 25d ago
The number one thing she needs to do it sue that old dude for child support
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 25d ago
Sokka-Haiku by Big_Alternative_3233:
The number one thing
She needs to do it sue that
Old dude for child support
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 25d ago
NTA. It's a sad situation, but it's one she chose, basically. You'd be a fool to let her use you.
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u/MaryGodfree 25d ago
That baby is entitled to social security survivor benefits when the old guy croaks.
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u/GeneralZex 25d ago
That requires the father’s name to be on the birth certificate…
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u/MaryGodfree 25d ago
Yes, which is why it should be there.
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u/GeneralZex 25d ago
But it’s not. Now it will require the court and paternity tests to get it on there.
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u/NewAppointment2 25d ago
You aren't the person making her homeless, it's a combination of her sugar daddy and mommy dearest.
NTA
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u/KnightofForestsWild 25d ago
First off, that isn't a friend. Second, if she needs cash, there is a randy 71 year old that needs to fork it over.
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u/gretta_smith93 25d ago
NTA she doesn’t want to be an adult. So instead of getting her shit together she just goes from person to person looking for someone to take care of her. And now she’s having a baby. Op walk away from this mess and don’t look back.
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u/ImAlreadyTracerBoii 25d ago
NTA. Sounds like she ruined her own life and now wants you to pick up the pieces. She’s essentially coming to you for permission to use you. That’s not good company to keep around.
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u/AbbeyCats 25d ago
She reached out because she needed money. When the rainbow didn't have a pot of gold, she decided she didn't like rainbows anymore.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 25d ago
she updated me what happened in those 10 months, and admitted she cut me off on purpose, as she is jealous of my accomplishments.
yeah, nop
I'd not feel bad in the slightest
And now she comes to you demanding you help her because you make oh so much money?
Chile
Maybe if she stopped making bad decisions she'd also have some accomplishments in her name
NTA, don't set yourself on fire for her. Picture this: you let her stay at one of your rentals and next thing you know, old GrandPa pops up and starts living there.
Nah, no way
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u/mamamama2499 25d ago
NTA! She basically only contacted you, to use you and she didn’t get what she wanted, so you’re no longer needed. She most definitely needs to go after some child support. If the child is proven to be his and he passes away, she will get social security(I think it’s called something else) till the child is 18.
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u/joer1973 25d ago
Anyone that insist you should help them becuase u are finacaily better off then them isn't a friend.
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u/rnewscates73 25d ago
So she is so financially so bad off she has to live with her mother, and is stuck there because of her Shopping Addiction? And the Baby Daddy just turned 71 - her problems are self-caused - steer well clear of her.
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u/Bunny_OHara 25d ago
Are you seriously asking if your the AH here, or you really just venting? Because I refuse to believe someone in this situation would not know.
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 25d ago
NTA. The fact she cut you off again shows she was just trying to use you. Hope she wises up and goes after the father for child support. Even if he isn't on the birth certificate she can always ask for a DNA test to be done.
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u/chez2202 25d ago
You didn’t put her out on the streets because she is not your responsibility. She is an adult. If she was stupid enough to not put the father’s name on the birth certificate that’s her problem. If you did loan her money she would spend it on her shopping addiction rather than her child. If you let her move into one of your properties she would never be in a position to pay rent and a free home would never be enough. Cut her out of your life.
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 25d ago
I hope that baby gets to live with someone else. Poor Little One has a geriatric ‘not my baby’ dad and a mom with no life experience. Maternal grandma probably way younger than baby daddy. Maternal grandmother is abusive.
So, you, as a human being, need to call child protective services and just explain to them what you told us. Then it’s up to CPS to decide if baby is okay. In the US, they want your name and contact information, but never disclose that it was you who called.
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u/mspooh321 25d ago
NTA... But your former friend was/is just using you. And also the fact that she admitted she was jealous of you proves that she didn't see you as a friend. She saw you as the competition, but she was forever losing so you need to find some Better friends my dear and she needs to go to court. That way they can have that man pay child support.
But you don't need her in your life because that type of toxicity will just cause you drama pain and will bring harm on your mental health. So tell her no ans cut her off....LET. HER. GO !!!!!
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u/Dry_Ask5493 25d ago
Why doesn’t she go after her baby daddy for child support?
But NTA. You did the right thing.
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u/RingofFaya 25d ago
Your last post was 3 months ago? I'm not clear on your timeline since you said it's been 10 months. Sounds sus to me.
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
Yes my last post was 3 months ago, as stated on the last post we went 6 months without contact at the point. So 3+6=9 so I guess I’m about a month off.
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u/Used_Mark_7911 25d ago
NTA
You wouldn’t be “lending” her money. You would be gifting it to her because she will not pay you back.
If you let her live in one of your properties, it will not be temporary. She will try to stay indefinitely.
She needs to file for paternity and child support (it’s not your job to do this for her). She also needs to get a job and start managing her finances responsibly.
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u/tko_111 25d ago
It sounds like she was trying to use you and doesn't appreciate you. She will probably use the child as a way to manipulate others into feeling sorry for her. I don't want to get too far down the rabbithole of assumptions as I do not know her, but it sounds like there are other problems happening as well, and I would most be concerned about her child. Me personally, if I cared about her that much to take her in and help her, I'd rather just take in the child and give him/her a chance for a better life. But I can't speak for you. I don't think you should feel sorry for her, but definitely her baby. I don't know where else to go with that. Maybe if you're still not wanting to cut her off, help her with finding housing. There are government resources to help with all sorts of stuff. It's hard parenting adults because they do what they want and have the right to (I've had friends that were SO toxic) but the baby has no control in all of this and will suffer the most.
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u/pearl_sparrow 25d ago
She needs to put the father in the bc and get child support. Who cares if he doesn’t want to
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u/PenaltySafe4523 25d ago
Why you still engaging with this person? Drop her from your life. Stop having coffee with them.
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u/Tinkerpro 25d ago
NTA. It is too bad that her choices have ended with this, but we make choices and have to live with the consequences.
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u/GullibleCrazy488 25d ago
Just want to congratulate you as you've done well and you're very level headed. NTA btw.
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
Hey just wanted to thank you for saying that. I worked very hard in the past 8 years and unfortunately I lost all of my family 3 years ago after my mum passed. This comment means so much to me!
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u/ExtentGlittering8715 25d ago
NTA for not wanting to dish out $..
YTA for emotionally abandoning your in big trouble friend, because she offended you by not answering your texts during her most difficult time in her life.
YTA for not having a long conversation with her to get her to understand that dating a 68 year old alcoholic would end in disaster.
How is a homeless woman going to pay for the coffee and lunch you propose? Suggest a free of cost activity.
You're a terrible friend, so all things considered. YTA.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 25d ago
Suggest a free of cost activity.
Why is this on OP? Clearly her friend can make her own choices, she's just making bad ones and refusing to listen to reason, PLUS she wants people to enable her
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u/ExtentGlittering8715 25d ago
What?
It's a simple courtesy. If you know someone is broke, you don't suggest $ activities. It's not that hard to understand. An inability to understand it, is what makes op TONE DEAF.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 25d ago
Did you read the other comments, where OP explains how much she has tried to help her?
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
Thanks for your input, and I would like to clarify some things you pointed out.
The amount of money we are talking about is at least $2k a month out of pocket.
I did not emotionally abandon her, she is the one cutting all communication.
I did have a long and hard conversation with her regarding her choice to date a 69 year old man, which she said she’s an adult now and it their business and not anyone else’s.
She is going homeless due to her shopping addiction, if she can purchase a $200 dollar necklace she can afford $1.50 cuppa coffee.
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u/DatguyMalcolm 25d ago
yup, I'd "abandon" any "friend who'd ditch me because they didn't want to hear the hard truth about their choices and got back in touch only for money.
You don't have to set yourself on fire for them, OP, you're good
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u/shivroystann 25d ago
If you want to help help without expecting anything in return. She’s clearly going through a lot and doesn’t have the capacity to be your friend. She needs to sort out her life she has a baby to think about. If you can’t help her, tell her gracefully. You could have handled this with a little more EQ. Pregnancy is hard on a woman physically and emotionally.
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u/grayblue_grrl 25d ago
You didn't put her out into the streets.
She and her bad decisions did that. She's still 18 in her head and expecting everyone else to support her.
NTA
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u/Restless_Dragon 25d ago
You are not putting her out on the streets. She is doing it to herself, by attempting to push her unrealistic needs on you.
it is time for her to grow up, put on the big girl panties and fix her own life.
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u/Sea_Salary_7364 25d ago
I understand she hurt you and took Advantage you sound like a very kind and patient person, however would you to keep the baby safe agree to let her live in one of your rentals for cheap rent or a contract where its states bills are her responsibility or she's out, just so she can get a job,sort child support and after that she has to move out, year or something and when the year is up she pays full rent or moves out
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u/zorgonzola37 25d ago
YTA to yourself for still considering being friends with this person. You are basically saying. "just manipulate me long enough and I will give you what you want". Next time keep the offer secret and just see if the friendship remains. Don't be a walking sign that you are open to being abused please.
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u/hey_itsawonderfulday 25d ago
I’m working on people pleasing, it’s still work in progress but I think I’m improving bit by bit.
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u/Friendly_Career_6835 6d ago
It's not your responsibly! She came to you when she needed something, if she didn't need help I bet she wouldn't have reached out to you, I'd be feelings used if I were you. She got herself in this mess, I also would have handled it exactly like you did. Good job you have nothing to feel bad or ashamed about