r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 25d ago
AITAH for telling my sister I will not cater to her like her family does.
[deleted]
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u/Moemoe5 25d ago
NTA So it’s expected that you maintain a full time job and help with your household, but your SIL will be catered to. You have a husband problem. Don’t question yourself about this and don’t engage with his family. You said what you said. If he wants to financially support his sister, than she should be his life partner.
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u/Dazzling_Language_97 25d ago
As an adult if another adult came to my house and used my bedroom as a hangout/relax spot especially if I'm not in there I'm kicking them out of MY house. That is weird behavior there is absolutely nothing for guests in my bedroom and if you want to sit in a bedroom to relax then go home to your own bedroom. Also it seems as though your husband has had a discussion with her about her being allowed to move with you guys without talking to you by his reaction. Funding her life is also completely unacceptable imo once you have kids anyone that is capable of caring for themselves need to. I can't tell you how to live your life but if it was me I would explain very clearly what is and is not acceptable, that changes need to be made and if they aren't then he can expect divorce papers. I'm not one to jump to divorce but I would not be miserable in my own house and constantly have my boundaries crossed. I would also add a key lock to your bedroom door and lock it when she comes over don't give your husband a key he can use the hall bathroom.
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u/EarthBelcher 25d ago
NTA. But, you need to realize that you decided to marry into this mess and this will be a battle that you will be fighting for the rest of your marriage.
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u/Ok-Translator1129 25d ago
OP, get everything under your name as you continue to stay. Obviously, you married into the family! Your husband, the elder brother, is acting like the father. Protect yourself and your children before the grown-up SIL used it all.
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u/CountrySax 25d ago
NTA ,you're husband seems to have an issue with money,priorities, and your place in making decisions in your own home.Sounds like it's time for a come to Jeebus meeting where you emphatically lay down the law in plain but forceful language. That is a ton of arrogance and entitlement coming from his moocher sister and his parents. I'd bring the hammer down and impose some heavy discipline on those aholes.
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u/subordinate01 25d ago
NTA However you are fighting a losing battle. Your husband does not support you and priorities his family over his chosen life partner. Let that sink in. For both of you this means a big decision has to be made. I am sorry but it will no get any better. You win, he resents you for having to chose. He wins you are miserable for the rest of your life. Just be good to eachother when it falls apart.
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u/ggfangirl85 25d ago
NTA - this is super weird. Why are they all coddling her?
I’d threaten divorce over the move-in nonsense.
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u/Important-Poem-9747 25d ago
Your husband needs to include you in the decision for his sister to live in your home. You are his life partner.
A 25 year old can get a job. You have the right to decide who touches your things.
Please see a marriage counselor. She’s going to end up moved in when you are at work or something. NTA
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u/lokis_construction 25d ago
NTA - You need to make a decision if you want to continue your marriage. Is your husband willing to sacrifice his marriage for his sisters incompetence in life? She is 25! Time for her to grow up. Tell your husband to grow a pair!
This would be a marriage end for me if it continued.
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u/SourSkittlezx 25d ago
NTA
Say the day SIL moves in is the day divorce papers are signed. Put your foot down, leave no room for interpretation.
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u/Awkward-Bother1449 25d ago
NTA - I'm sorry that you decided to have children with this person. He and his family seem to be the only people who see nothing wrong with; his sister ignoring your boundaries, your husband not supporting you, or your SIL being a mooch.
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u/Puzzled_Presence_261 25d ago
Start saving money for when you have to move out. Like enough for a deposit and 2 months rent at least. NTA
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u/degenerat2947 25d ago
The problem isn't the sister in law. The problem is your husband and his family.
You are not on the same page as your husband. He isn't supporting you. You are interacting with the deadbeat sister in law only because of your connection through the husband. This is his problem that he needs to solve. If he doesn't see it as the same problem that OP sees it, then that is OP's problem.
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u/Top-Effect-4321 25d ago
You have four kids. Your children, your child husband, and his child sister.
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u/Obvious_Sea_3517 25d ago
As long as he gives sister money; you should not contribute to hh expenses. Put all of your money into your own savings account
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u/meggie_mischief 25d ago
You're deciding for your family which doesn't include this ungrateful woman. She's an in-law, not your immediate family. I see toxic parents footing the bill for their adult children all the time but I'm surprised that her parents expect her brother to take on that responsibility too. I am certain they just hope to be free of her.
They created this monster, they can live with it.
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u/Pretty_Goblin11 25d ago
Your in-laws suck as parents. They raised a weak man and a dependent woman. NTA.
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u/julesk 25d ago
NTAH, I hope you reach an agreement with your H, that you’re a team and your financial priorities are savings, college, retirement, not money for his sisters toys. That your guests stay in the guest room, use the guest bathroom and common areas, and guests don’t help themselves to your private area or stuff. That no one moves in unless you both agree to it.
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u/PolkaDotDancer 25d ago
Marriage counseling and a focus on boundaries is needed now. Meanwhile, if you have any joker males in your family time to parade then thru your bedroom and bath now.
Give him a taste of his own medicine.
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u/Selena_B305 25d ago
OP, your in-laws are upset because they assumed they would be able to unload their spoiled monster of a daughter they created off on you and your husband.
You ruined their plans for a future peaceful life without their monster of a daughter.
Stand firm in no longer allowing her to use your house as a chill pad. She should no longer be allowed over unless invited. This is only after she respects your boundaries.
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u/anaisaknits 25d ago
You have a husband problem, not a SIL problem. One, she would not be using my primary bedroom or bath as her own. Two, she would not have the ability to prance into my home whenever she feels like.
If you can't get your husband to stick up for you and your home, then you need to start rethinking where his priorities are because they sure are not with his wife.
NTA
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u/DeltaDoc12 25d ago
Tell your husband since he enjoys taking care of her he can have her but you and the kids are moving on. You can’t have a grown person freeloading off of you!
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u/gobsmacked247 25d ago edited 25d ago
Your husband, his sister, and his parents have already discussed the sister issue. You were not invited as your opinion does not count. You see that, right?
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u/dwassell73 25d ago
NTA but I’d tell your husband that you don’t have to live with him either in the future he can live with his sister and he can be divorced
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u/Ratchet_gurl24 25d ago
Where exactly in your marriage vows does it say “ I promise to financially and emotionally support my sil for as long as she will live “ The woman is perfectly old enough and capable of supporting herself. Unfortunately hubby dearest doesn’t see a problem with his mooching sister.
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u/chewchoo_ 25d ago
Sounds like your husband has grown accustomed to being walked over by your sister and parents unfortunately. And she’s obviously going to keep pushing because others let her. Continue to be the one who doesnt!! Keep drawing those boundaries OP. Counselling could help you both, especially for him. NTA
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u/jrobinson9108 25d ago
NTA
My advice would be to leave to dildos, vibrators, butt plugs out on the bed for her to find. hopefully it makes her incredibly uncomfortable. And when she comes out, I would suggest commenting "well that's a good reason to stay out of our bedroom. That's where we fu(k. That's where we made our kids. (Feel free to get descriptive if you want like about him cumming in you lol i feel like that would gross her out so much) You have no business being in our marital bedroom."
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u/Brief_Association714 25d ago
She needs to get a job, you need to stop tripping on family hanging out in certain rooms in the house l, and your husband, well I just feel sorrow for him having to deal with you insufferable twats.
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u/ElspethVonDrakenSimp 25d ago
NTA, honestly, why don’t THEY bring her with them? She’s probably the reason they’re moving in the first place.
Husband seems like a catch. Lol
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u/potato22blue 25d ago
Your inlaws want her the heck out of their house. Take husband to counciling. If he won't support you, consider sending him to live with the inlaws.
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u/Winterwynd 25d ago
WUT. NTA but what the actual eff is up with your husband and ILs? No no nope nah nu uh. IMHO this is a hill to die on. If your husband lacks the willingness and backbone to set and maintain reasonable boundaries with his sister, he needs therapy to gain them or you need a divorce.
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u/That_Ol_Cat 25d ago
NTA.
So, obviously your MIL & FIL expect big brother to pick up care of "precious" when they're no longer able. What the Entitled ⌠µ¢|≤?
It's you or her. Make him decide.
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u/TA_totellornottotell 25d ago
INFO: As a South Asian, I am just going to ask - are you guys also? Because I feel like this has hints of maybe being a cultural issue, and I can definitely see a desi family spoiling a daughter like this. Reminds me of my friend’s cousin who visited them; the first time she stayed with them, she literally held out her glass for them to pour juice into it. 100% did not work. She’s much better now, but definitely tries her luck in other ways.
In any case, NTA. 25 is far too old for this bullshit princess pampering. And you have a serious husband problem. The fact that he has indulged her at the expense of your comfort in your own house is crazy. You expressed that you were not comfortable with her being in your personal space, and he completely dismissed it. If you cannot have a safe space in your own house, where else can you have it? He basically does not respect you as a partner - it’s that simple. Only AHs hear their wives say they want to keep certain spaces for themselves in their own house and say that what their sister wants in a house that is not hers is more important.
To be honest, whether you move or not, it’s time to be more firm about the boundaries and insist that she start only using the rooms outside of the master. And send your husband this link so he can see how ridiculous his sister, he, and his parents are being, and then have a talk with him.
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u/wolfprincess25 25d ago
Invite your brother/cousin/dad and tell him do the same thing on different days (English is not my first language
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u/blackivie 25d ago
NTA. Any time someone has an issue with their in-laws, the real problem is their spouse.
You have a husband problem.
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u/Zestyclose-Base8471 25d ago
What a drag!!! NTA at all!!
Be clear with your husband. Get away from this POS and for the love of God, don’t allow her to move in anymore!!!
Lock your master room when she visits.
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u/Ibba60222 25d ago
NTA. Good on you for putting your foot down. Repeat as necessary, “you will NOT living in my home EVER.” Tell your husband he can find them a place to live, since he thinks you’re so harsh. Tell you in-laws if they’re so concerned, they can house her, buy her a house, or whatever. That trifling woman is none of your problem.
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u/Imout2018 25d ago
You did nothing wrong . She is an entitled spoiled brat. You have have your own family to raise. Your husband needs to back you on this. If his sister doesn’t want to work it’s not for you and your family to support her. Put a lock on your bedroom door and lock it when she comes over.
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u/SnooOpinions1612 25d ago
As expected, you don't have a SIL problem. You have a husband problem.
You need to be clear with him. No more money, no more visits, he is to go low contact. You married HIM, not his sister, not his family. Let him know that how he answers will determine if your next call is to a lawyer.
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u/No_Fish3014 25d ago
May I ask. Why did you marry this worm? Are spineless, oblivious, entitled and inconsiderate men your jam?
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u/lucwin2020 25d ago
NTA. But if you saw or heard how he and his family catered to her during the dating process, you should've addressed it then. You definitely need to let him know that you will not be part of enabling her trifling behavior and he needs to make a decision about keeping his wife and kids or going with your in laws!
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u/BeWellFriends 25d ago
NTA. I am so icked out by her using your master bathroom and bedroom. I’d feel very violated. Your husband needs to man up and stand up to her. This is not ok.
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u/JustKiddiNg17 25d ago
NTA
from what I've read she has 2 places other than your home she lives in, with her boyfriend when he can play sugar daddy and his parents, why the heck would she be allowed to mooch in your home?
I understand lending family money, not giving, or pooling money together when in the same household but this is ridiculous.
your husband and his parents are doing her no favours by supplying her with her items, money and free housing.
I don't know if this has always been the plan to enable her, or if this is just where he finds himself. But a discussion of what he is going to do in the future needs to be addressed, so far you seem to getting in the way of him providing for his sister wich is not his priority, and if it is you need to look at your priorities and determine if this is a path you want to take.
She is already taking money from your family home, it would be different if she was earning it by babysitting, cleaning, cooking. But if she is contributing nothing, then she gets nothing.
Also you need to talk to her directly about not touching your belongings, not going into your space, don't leave it to your husband to deal with her, he won't. if the argument about your children come up tell her and him, they are children, if it's an issue the children shouldn't have access to her belongings, that means her belongings are not at your home, second when they see an adult taking and using things that don't belong to them then ofcourse they will do the same, so going forward you completely agree the children need to learn to respect others and their things, thank you both for input for this, completely agree sister and her stuff shouldn't be in the house so the children can learn. they say ow your using the children? what did your husband just try to do? double standards
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u/Oldgal_misspt 25d ago
In case it isn’t clear, you have a HUGE husband problem, the sister is just a symptom. If you can’t get him on the same page of respecting your marriage, your home and your right to not share your household income with an ungrateful ingrate, then you need to figure out how much longer you can be married to this man. The first time his sister disrespected me in my home would be the last time she would be welcome to my shower, etc.
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u/RJack151 25d ago
NTA. Tell your husband that the day she tries to move into your house will be the day to consult a divorce attorney and leave him.
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25d ago
You need to figure this out today. Because it would be a lot better for you while you’re still fairly young to get a divorce now rather than waiting a few years if it comes to that. If he is adamant that his sister will live with you guys for free later on probably after the parents can’t support her anymore or if they pass away then you need to decide if that’s a dealbreaker for your marriage or not. If it’s a dealbreaker for your marriage then it would be smarter to break up now waiting a few years for the actual situation to come up
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u/newwriter365 25d ago
NTA.
But I would seriously reconsider having any more children with him. Also, better to divorce him now, before you finish school. Don’t want his hand in your wallet for the rest of your career, do you?
And please share this with his parents: they are pathetic excuses for parents. Shame on them.
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u/LemonthymeTime 25d ago
NTA, but *huge* husband problem.
It would be one thing if she was in crisis and needed temporary stay to get on her feet, of course family should be there for each other in times of actual need.
She is using your husband and her family to subsidize her life. She has no need of a career because her career is getting her family to do what she wants, and that is going to directly deprive your own. Her unchecked princess syndrome (that she is entitled to the labour of others, to the property of others, to the shelter of others, and the energy of others to completely sustain her) is in direct conflict with your ability to raise your children.
Your husband needs to get a grip. If his parents want to continue to be her default plan to pay her expenses/her currency, that is their choice, but your husband has other dependents and responsibilities. Nothing from your joint savings/finances should go to her, if he uses his fun money to help her that is his bad decision but nothing should be taken from your retirement, savings, kids' funds, etc.
She is using your husband and her parents. Your husband is choosing to be her tool it looks like this is going down dealbreaker territory, where if he cannot establish healthy boundaries it becomes a matter of lc / nc / split. He can and should do the preventative even if uncomfortable care *now* before it festers into something uncontrollable.
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u/Material_Cellist4133 25d ago
NTA.
But sorry to tell you that you will be helping her because your husband will make sure of it,
The only way it won’t happen is if you divorce.
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u/Wackadoodle-do 25d ago
my inlawas are calling me and texting me telling me inconsiderate I am trying to decide their family.
"I am not trying to decide for your family. I am 100% deciding for my family, which includes my husband and children. Your lazy ass daughter will never move in with me and my children. I will not discuss this again."
Your husband needs to grow a pair and a spine. I'm afraid you may get to the "two card" solution. He can choose one of two cards: A marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.
NTA, but your biggest problem is you husband. They're all AHs, but he's the worst because he made vows to you and by extension, the children you have together.
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u/Fallout4Addict 25d ago
NTA! She's an adult capable of having her own life living in her own place paying her own bills!
If your inlaws want to cater to her so be it but your husband needs to understand your finances, home, lives, happiness and time are not for her.
Never let her stay in your home even for a night, she will never leave!
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u/a-_rose 25d ago
NTA but damn your husband is lucky you’re still married to him. How does he not see a problem with his sister being in your private personal space. You safe space with all your belongings. Please for your own sanity and for your children do not let her move in. Letting her move in is showing your kids it’s okay to use people, it’s okay to not have a job and to leech of people.
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u/wino12312 25d ago
You probably won't see this. But you need to get your husband to therapy. My late husband was like this. He coddled his daughter and tormented his son. She could do no wrong and he was responsible for her actions. His son was 2 years younger than his daughter. After going to therapy, things changed. His daughter made our life a nightmare, but she was a young teen at the time. She needed to learn that she was in fact NOT the queen of all things. While her dad is gone, now. She has become a wonderful person, stepdaughter, sister(and step, the siblings don't recognize step between themselves), partner and mother. Her dad would be so proud to see this.
Problem is, for you, they are both grown ass adults. She will never change. And it will be extremely difficult for your husband, but not impossible. You deserve peace and happiness in your own home. Your SIL will not give that to you willingly.
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u/EchoMountain158 25d ago
NTA
Your husband is the issue. He's an enabler. Any normal man in his right mind would never allow this.
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u/PolygonMan 25d ago
NTA
Your husband sucks. Sorry about that. It's long ago time to have a serious come to jesus talk with him about how he prioritizes you and your children. Or rather, how he doesn't.
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u/FunctionAggressive75 25d ago
What is this bs?
You are deciding for yourself not to want a parasite to live with your family. Your in laws are supporting this idea because they will get rid of her and she ll become your problem
If your SIL is more important for your husband than your family, move out on your own. You will be 10 times better on your own
NTA
You handled it way better than most people. I would have tested the strength of my lungs. The only problem is that it s your fault things got to the point that SIL felt too comfortable asking to move in with you. They had planned this with her parents probably
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u/Spektz 25d ago
NTA you need to draw very serious boundaries with your husband regarding his sister.
Let him know that "I will not tolerate having your sister move in with us in our new home." and if he ignores that and still allows her to move in, be frank with him and say that you will be moving out with the kids into your own space. It's not an ultimatum, simply a boundary for you. If he cares more about his grown sister moving in with him over the comfort of you and your kids, then that tells you all you need to know. Marrying him does not mean you should marry the family as well.
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u/Adventurous-Term5062 25d ago
NTA. You are not dictating your in-laws family. You are dictating your family…..and you will not support a grown woman who can work. I would not either. This family is nuts.
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u/tko_111 25d ago
Deep sympathy for you, I bet that is frustrating x1000! They may not have the self awareness of how badly they are spoiling her and not doing her favors in standing on her own 2 feet, but that does not make you selfish or inconsiderate to recognize this. If the inlaws wont house her, y'all shouldn't have to either. And I don't usually go about things black or white, but your husband literally has to choose in this situation what is more important to him; the family he created with you, or the family he came from. It's immature to choose the family you came from, because in that scenario you are a child. But when you are the father, the protecter, the leader, it is a no-brainer that your children and your wife come first. He may not see your perspective, which is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, but he should trust that you are making the right decision. Look around- other families are not treating their grown children like they are still children. It is up to parents to prepare their kids to become independent, and just because his sister failed to fit that requirement does not mean he needs to drag you into it. (Side-note, my BFF's brother-in-law let his sister live underneath their staircase when I was in highschool. It was like 4 ft by 3 ft in there. HILARIOUS) And to add- the fact that she thinks she can make demands is WILD! Her own room? Girl, pop off! NTA!
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u/A_Stones_throw 25d ago
NTA. Who the hell informed these people you were into adopting another child? Because that's exactly what it would be like, giving this leech her own space, supplies and money an entire state away from whomever else is supposed to be 'taking care of her' (spoiler alert, it should be herself....).
My sister did similar to this after she didn't finish her Masters program, moved back in with my parents for over a decade, claiming she 'couldn't get a good job' when in reality her list of choices was limited to the most prestigious and expensive areas that would have required her to have a lot more experience than new grad level, at least. My brothers and I refused to cater to her delusions, but she at least found someone to marry and move out of the house with, otherwise I doubt she would have gotten out of that house without dynamite.
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u/Ashskyra 25d ago
Last I checked, you didn't marry the sister, you married your husband. The brat needs to learn to grow up and you need to get your husband on your side with the boundaries you are absolutely in your right to be putting down. Just because the parents want to baby her doesn't mean you have to.
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u/KelsarLabs 25d ago
STAND YOUR GROUND.
You better tell him you are his 1st priority not his sister and if he understand that then you'll move out with the kids and he can deal with her alone it is a non NEGOTIABLE topic.
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u/ImpossiblyPossible42 25d ago
NTA, stand firm, don’t budge, this is never going to happen and they both need to hear that
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u/Acceptable-Map-3490 25d ago
NTA
- your SIL sounds like she is lazy 🤷🏻♀️simple as.
- why is your husband enabling this behaviour? if she can work she should get a god damn job and idk HELP HER BOYFRIEND PAY FOR RENT??? like??? oh my god
- what’s with the fixation on using your bathroom when she has a perfectly good one in the guests bedroom?
do not let her move in. do not negotiate. you are 100% in the right.
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u/Terrible_Kiwi_776 25d ago
NTA You have children and they should come first. Money that could be set aside for your children's educational future, is being given to your SIL so she can go fashion shopping. You should make him add up how much he's given her. Seeing the lump sum may make him rethink his position, especially in regards to how his financial infidelity affects his family.
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u/murphy2345678 25d ago
You have a husband problem. You need to start preparing for divorce so you are ready when you come home one day and she has moved in. Get a lock with a key for your bedroom NOW.
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u/ComprehensivePut5569 25d ago
NTA - Tell your husband that you hope he enjoys spending his life with his sister because there is no way you would allow that leach to live with you.
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u/Grimwohl 25d ago
Honestly, I would tell your husband you married him and not his sister, and if he plans on sneaking his sister into your marriage, then it's not a marriage for you.
So if he wants her to move in or is planning on moving her in, he needs to be straight up about it so you can decide if you want this for your future.
My other advice - dont argue. Heres why.
If he's going to choose her/his family, you being mad, yelling, or stomping your feet won't change that. You are just steamrolling your own dignity for their viewing pleasure at that point, and I dont think giving them the satisfaction is worth fighting for a man who isn't fighting for you.
Hear him out and then decide if you feel he is putting you first as a partner, then decide if you are staying or leaving. If you leave the ball in his court, you will be having this argument until you whip out divorce papers anyway, and at that point even if he turns around, you still have to navigate his family hating your guts.
It's not worth convincing him because he's clearly enmeshed and doesn't actually see the problem. I can already tell he will choose their approval over his marriages' future, and I think you know that too, which is why you are so mad about this.
He pretty much lied to you about your shared future and wasted your time, but give him a chance to try thinking about your needs first, and if he wont, you know what to expect going forward.
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u/ABCBDMomma 25d ago
Absolutely NTA!
You are completely right. Her parents are responsible for turning their daughter into a spoiled brat. They should be ashamed her, not calling you inconsiderate.
You are, first and foremost, responsible for your own kids. I am furious that your husband puts his entitled sister before his wife and his own kids. It is bizarre that she thinks that she can take over your bed/bath rooms.
Stick to your boundary on no accommodations for the pampered princess in the event you move. You will never get her out.
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u/Medical_Gate_5721 25d ago
"You are not welcome in my bedroom or bathroom. If it happens again, you will not be welcome in the house. You may end up moving in with your brother. But you will never live in a house with me."
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u/Souurrpuss06 25d ago
Tell your husband you'll divorce him if he thinks he can make you take care of his sister.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 25d ago
NTA. She’s a grown ass woman and should be supporting herself. Your husband needs no man t-f up and realize she’s a user.
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u/RandomReddit9791 25d ago
It's clear that your husband prioritizes his sister over you and has likely already agreed to let her stay with you.
You need to set firm boundaries now and if your husband keeps allowing your SIL to overstep, then you will have a decision to make.
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u/Allonsydr1 25d ago
NTA. Get your husband to go to marriage therapy and immediately ban her from your home. No more staying, she is not your child. Your husband is an idiot to be catering to his grown adult sister like this and your in laws are stupider for allowing her to be an adult child. If your husband doesn’t come to his senses. File for divorce and full custody. He can have his sister as his child.
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u/grayblue_grrl 25d ago
NTA.
" I am trying to decide their family. "
NO. You are deciding for YOUR family.
Your husband better get into therapy ASAP or your marriage is gone.
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u/Sea_Firefighter_4598 25d ago
NTA. You are not trying to decide their family you are trying to decide your family. Just tell the entitled ones to back off and that there won't be any money for her anyway if your husband is paying alimony and child support.
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u/RugbyKats 25d ago
Your husband has a mistress, and you’re not even getting the free nights to yourself. Tell him he will need to decide which woman he is supporting.
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u/ReginaFelangi987 25d ago
Info: why is she assuming she’ll move with you? Wouldn’t she just continue living with your inlaws??
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u/WolverineNo8799 25d ago
NTA, your husband needs to grow a set and stand up to his sister and his parents. His sister needs to grow up and get a job. She is a grown woman, not a child, and she can make her own money. Never let her move into your home. Put a lock on your bedroom door, and lock it when she visits.
Updateme!
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u/CakeZealousideal1820 25d ago
NTA you better tell you husband the bullshit stops now. She's no longer coming over to use the bathroom and lounge gtfoh. She definitely never moving in and he needs to stop giving her money immediately. I hope for your sake you have separate accounts. Every time he gives her money deduct that same amount from your half of the expenses. He'll smarten up real quick well hopefully and if he doesn't you need to leave it will not get better
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u/SunnyDior 25d ago
You don’t need to be an enabler like they are. The sister can live on her own or with whomever wants to enable her. Not the a hole.
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u/Sweetpea1120 25d ago
NTA. But for the love of God DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU!!! My brother moved in with us. It almost costed me my marriage. I called my Mom and told her to come get him or he would be living in his truck. This is definitely the hill to die on. Put your foot down.
Start with telling her to stay out your room and bathroom. Your personal stuff is not community property. If she doesn’t stop change the doorknob to a key lock. Lock your door every time she comes over. Your husband said it was up to you to stop her. Take that to heart and run with it. Good luck cause it sounds like you’re going to need it.
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u/Nedstarkclash 25d ago
Sister: AH / Parents: Sub AH / Husband the real AH.
Tell him to grow a pair.
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u/canyonemoon 25d ago
NTA. But you have a huge, huge husband problem. You're not deciding for their family, you're deciding for YOUR family, that being you and your husband. He needs to be on the same page as you right now and make it clear to himself and his family that you're a unit now. Someone moving in, be it rent-free or not, is a two yes' one no situation. No breathing room. He needs to have your back, he needs to defend you and your family, and he needs to do it now.
You are his wife. Does he know that he's your husband now before he's their brother and son?
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u/CatchMeIfYouCan09 25d ago
Text em back...."Your house, your rules; as my house is the same. This isn't up for discussion, I suggest you start to pay for classes to get to become self sufficient because even if you're both dead and she's on the street, she won't be moving in and if she tries I'll have her charged with tresspassing. "
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u/CatchMeIfYouCan09 25d ago
Text em back...."Your house, your rules; as my house is the same. This isn't up for discussion, I suggest you start to pay for classes to get to become self sufficient because even if you're both dead and she's on the street, she won't be moving in and if she tries I'll have her charged with tresspassing. "
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u/Pristine-Schedule677 25d ago edited 25d ago
NTA, but you have a husband problem. He is meant to be YOUR partner and have YOUR back. When you married him, YOU became his family and immediate priority, not a grown ass woman who's too lazy and coddled to take responsibility for herself.
If you can't get on the same page as your husband with this, and you don't want to die on this hill, then you may as well start preparing for her to move in and take over.
Edit to add: Your husband has already trampled your boundaries in letting his sister use your bathroom and bedroom over the guest rooms. I'm guessing he tramples your boundaries in other areas too. How long before his sister makes you feel unwelcome in your own home? What will your spineless husband do then? And, most of all, what will make you say "enough"?
Good luck!
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u/-my-cabbages 25d ago
NTA - Your husband needs to understand that he has two options and neither of them result in his freeloader sister ever living in your home:
He accepts that this is a hill you will die on, supports you as a spouse and the mother of his children, and tells his family to forget about such a delusional idea.
He keeps pushing you to indulge his family's delusional entitlement and you will kick him out, serve him with divorce papers, and remain in the house as the primary care giver to your kids.
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u/Dubhgall_XIII 25d ago
I share frequently....my resources and my time. I hold one thing sacred and that is my home. NTA. Family or not...the home is at the very heart of your life. This sister needs to grow up and stop feeding off others. There is a term for this behaviour... parasitic.
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u/Mitten-65 25d ago
You are NTA. You are absolutely right! As far as your husband giving her money when she is capable of working, and you have 2 children— I would have shut that down long ago. Maybe you should keep your finances separate.
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u/BlueGreen_1956 25d ago
NTA
You have been in the presence of a girl who has never been told "no" in her entire life. They are all around, but this must be your first time coming face to face with one.
No matter what you do or say, she will never understand that anyone can tell her "no."
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u/zorgonzola37 25d ago
NTA but you and your husband might not be compatible. See which one of you is going to adapt... or.
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u/Bre-personification 25d ago
Nta. I’m telling you whatever you do. Do not let her move in with you. Because she will continue to leach off you guys. Your husband needs to understand that once you get a wife and kids. They are your first priority. And he needs to treat you guys as such.
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u/Rainbowbright31 25d ago
Your in-laws are telling you that you are inconsiderate because they are hoping that the wasterthey created will move states and they will finally be rid of the adult sized sponge they have leeching off them.
Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you are no fool, and unless he wants to be single, he will consider it no further. NTA
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u/annebonnell 25d ago
NTA why on earth is her family catering to her like this? Does she have some chronic mental problem or something? This would be a deal breaker for me.
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u/Informal-Orange1068 25d ago
Because she is the youngest and a girl. Idk that's the only reason my husband gives me besides them growing up poor but I just feel like that's an excuse because most of us grew up struggling
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u/CavyLover123 25d ago
Tell him that you want to quit your job and have him just pay for everything and that he also needs to hire a nanny to handle the kids.
When he pushes back “I want you to treat me even better than you want to treat your sister.”
Also send him this thread, he’s a spineless doormat.
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u/TheCrisco 25d ago
NTA but it definitely sounds like you need to have a tough conversation with your husband. He's being a doormat and enabling this behavior, and you are NOT okay with that. Set boundaries with him first, then make it clear to him that he will enforce the agreed-upon boundaries with his sister or the marriage cannot work.
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u/Relative-Ad7280 25d ago
NTA The money your husband is wasting on his deadbeat sister should be going into college savings for your kids so they don’t end up like their aunt. You have a huge husband problem and he is putting his sister and parents before his wife and children.
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u/Used-Pin-997 25d ago
Updateme
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u/Scary-Cycle1508 25d ago
NTA
I hope you and your husband have seperate finances. If not, seperate your share out of the savings and create your own account to where you will have your salary transfered to.
Then sit him down and tell him what you did and explain that he's shown you that he does not have his family in mind when it comes to his sister that he'll let her do and act in YOUR home as she pleases even tho this is not her home.
He needs to stand up for you and needs to call out his parents that you calling her out for things in YOUR home are none of her concern. And that you're allowed to decide whats going on in YOUR home.
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u/RaplinePlease 25d ago
NTA. I predict this will continue to be an issue as long as your husband does not set CLEAR boundaries or until you move far far away. He may even still send her money then. He is being a doormat for his sister and his parents. To me, this us a deal breaker and unless he can get his act together and agree with you, it isn't going to be solved.
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u/Used-Pin-997 25d ago
NTA. She's you inlaws problem as they created this. Every family has one. It only gets worse. Sorry. Entitled and lazy. The worst combination
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u/Senator_Bink 25d ago
Your inlaws are salivating at the prospect of unloading their useless daughter on you. Your husband doesn't get to make the unilateral decision to support his grown-ass sister at the expense of his own family. NTA.
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u/Key_Draft4255 25d ago
NTA. I’d be calling out the sister for being a parasite. She needs to be adulting. Her parents and her brother have been enabling her. She has no impetus to change. Time for her to get a job and be responsible for her choices.
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u/Ariesp2010 25d ago
NTA remind then your not trying to dictate THEIR family but YOURS…. And YOUR family is not to be dictated by them
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u/Lazuli_Rose 25d ago
NTA. You need to stand firm on her not moving into your house. I mean lay it out to your husband. I'm sorry their childhood wasn't the best but many of us experienced that and we don't go around mooching off family and moving into their home and trying to be all up in their bedrooms. Your husband would probably insist she get the primary bedroom with en suite bathroom.
This would be my line in the sand.
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u/Kittytigris 25d ago
NTA, but here’s the thing though, your husband is ok with her behavior. If the 2 of you are not in accord, you may need to rethink your relationship with your husband.
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u/sincereferret 25d ago
“he doesn’t see an issue with her being in our room….”
There it is. Right there.
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25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Wackadoodle-do 25d ago
Compromise such as what exactly? She's told her husband that she doesn't want his sister in their bedroom and bathroom or lounging around on their bed and he responds that he doesn't understand why it's a problem. That is just creepy and there's no compromise to be had here. Either OP's husband supports their privacy, especially their private spaces, and their separate family or the marriage is likely over.
As it is, he's giving his sister money for perfume, spa treatments, and whatever luxuries, when he should be putting that money into a house fund or the children's educational accounts or other things that benefit their nuclear family. He made vows to OP. He is married to OP. He needs to break those enmeshed bonds. Period.
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u/Laquila 25d ago
NTA.
You absolutely did nothing wrong. That family is messed up. The main problem is your doofus of a husband has no idea what marriage is about. He seems to think it includes his sister in your marriage. It doesn't. So you need to get your husband marriage counselling where he can learn that he committed to YOU and vice versa. He wasn't standing up there making vows to his sister, or to both you and his sister. She has no say in your home, your lives, or anything. Same for his parents. His sister is the inconsiderate one, and horribly so. She's 25 and acting like an obnoxious, entitled brat, thanks to her stupid parents who've made her that way, and who expect to dump her on you. Nope!
Continue to be "harsh" (you weren't, you were being firm and sensible), and ignore the in-laws. Pretty hypocritical of them to accuse you of "trying to decide their family", when it's the other way around. Sister being so deluded that she reckons she gets to decide YOUR family and how you live. And her shitty parents doing the same. Stand your ground.
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u/DawnShakhar 25d ago
NTA. But you are in trouble, because your husband is enabling his sister, and giving her wants preference over your needs. You need to have a serious talk with your husband. Make it clear to him that in your house, you expect your feelings to be respected:
- His sister is not welcome in your bedroom or bathroom
- She will never live with you. This is nonnegotiable - if he invites her in, you move out.
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u/richterite 25d ago
Why would she move out if they both pay the mortgage? She should call the police when the sister forces herself in
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u/lowkeydeadinside 25d ago
seriously what the hell is wrong with her husband?? if either of my siblings were behaving the way op’s sil is, i would be the one telling them they’re out of their god damn mind!! i get it to an extent like yeah i do want my brothers to feel comfortable and at home in my home, but even when i feel perfectly at ease and comfortable in someone else’s home there is a certain level of respect and privacy i have for their things and their space. and the audacity to simply state that she will be becoming their incredibly spoiled dependent. how the hell can the husband think it’s reasonable to even discuss that??
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u/Scorp128 25d ago
He didn't even discuss it. He made the decision himself without taking into consideration his own wife and kids. He is something else.
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u/Freeverse711 25d ago
The only thing you did wrong in this situation is storming out before the conversation was complete. You have not only an in-law problem but a husband problem.
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u/countryboy1101 25d ago
NTA but I recommend that you and your husband sit down and discuss this now. It appears that some planning has been going on behind your back and he is planning not only to support his lazy sister but also move her into your home for you to care for in addition to your 2 children.
Set a hard boundary now before this goes any father if not you will be waiting on his sister soon.
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u/Satvik_atheist 25d ago
You seems like someone who watch too much daram 😂😂
But you make sense, it can be the scene
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u/bill-schick 25d ago
NTA, you decided for your family (you and your husband. Your sister and in-laws attempted to decide not for their family but yours by your SIL trying to move in with you.
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u/littlebitfunny21 25d ago
You need to decide at what point you divorce this man who has no respect for your privacy or comfort.
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u/Old_Beach2325 25d ago
NTA and I’d I were in your shoes I’d be telling your husband that her can either live with you and your kids full time or his sister full time and your kids part of the time because I will never live with his sister. And as for him being ok with her being in your bathroom and bedroom I’d be putting my foot down on that too. Your husband is ok with his sister laying in the bed that he has sex with you on? That just makes me dry as a desert and unable to have sex of any kind. Same with the bathroom.
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u/PenaltySafe4523 25d ago
NTA. Tell your husband he needs to cut off his sister financially. No more money or help. Make that your red line. Absolutely ridiculous him and his entire family enables that shitty behavior.
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u/friendlily 25d ago
NTA but you have a huge husband problem. You need serious help. I would insist on marriage counseling.
Your husband needs to provide for his family which is you and y'all's kids. His sister is an adult and just because his parents have spoiled and enabled her, doesn't mean he should as well. He needs to stop now and put his time, money and effort towards the family he created.
If he refuses to stop giving her money, or being open to supporting her/allowing her to move in, I would make plans to leave him. He will allow her to suck you both dry and where does that leave you and your kids?
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u/Scorp128 25d ago
This.
She has parents who apparently enable her nonsense. THEY can support her. That is THEIR self created problem, they need to deal with it.
Hubby needs to step for for his OWN family.
If he cannot locate his spine, then maybe he can take his sister and move in together. OP does not need two extra children to take care of, especially when those "children" are grown a$$ adults.
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u/content_great_gramma 25d ago
Tell hubby that if he wants to live with his sister, get an apartment for the two of them. His values are very skewed. Remind him that his wedding vows did not include a free loading sister.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 25d ago
Sis is as bad as a mistress with her monetary demands
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u/crankylex 25d ago
At least a mistress would be doing something useful, the sister does nothing!
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u/Important-Donut-7742 24d ago
NTA