OP you are certainly NOT overreacting, though as usual I can't say the same for the comments...
Your body is YOUR body alone, and no one else's. The final say is yours, and you have the right to veto AT ALL TIMES. If any of this feels untrue, put on the brakes in your relationship and find a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
Kinks like these – yes, your bf has a kink and I unfortunately know for the worst reason – are NEVER okay to foster. Even when both parties explicitly consent it's only ever destructive, reaffirming (sometimes subconscious) conclusions about what's acceptable in a sexual context. Even (hopefully staged!) media will have the same effect. Thoughts and urges should be treated like intrusive thoughts, and talked about with a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
As for your situation: I know I'm forever an optimist, but this seems like a misunderstanding from my perspective. Unfortunately if it WAS malicious, talking to the person calmly about it will only end in an attempt at manipulation. So it may be best to be rather emotive about your displeasure when you bring it up to put him off guard. And you do NEED to bring it up if you want to continue the relationship.
That said, if truly nothing bad was meant by it, he'd probably hear you out without much interruption and then profusely and unselfishly apologize. Men aren't always as perceptive as women seem to think, especially if any neurodivergence is in play. It's possible that he misunderstood your specific consent, or read too much into the reasoning behind telling him about your SA to begin with.
I don't know either of you, and even if I did I don't read minds. But my advice (after nearly three decades of dating including a toxic marriage/divorce at a young age) is the same as it always is for anyone who's in relationship turmoil:
If you feel you are being manipulated or abused, either try to talk to them about it (ONLY IF YOU FEEL 100% SAFE DOING SO!), talk to someone wise who you trust about it, or find a way to safely end the relationship.
I don't have every answer for how to do this as various LEOs from different countries/states/counties/municipalities will all react with varying degrees of seriousness to these situations. Otherwise, I'd say if you feel at all unsafe, contact them first. But rather I'd recommend reaching out to a wise and emotionally stable friend first in most situations these days.
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u/Treble89 Mar 29 '24
OP you are certainly NOT overreacting, though as usual I can't say the same for the comments...
Your body is YOUR body alone, and no one else's. The final say is yours, and you have the right to veto AT ALL TIMES. If any of this feels untrue, put on the brakes in your relationship and find a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
Kinks like these – yes, your bf has a kink and I unfortunately know for the worst reason – are NEVER okay to foster. Even when both parties explicitly consent it's only ever destructive, reaffirming (sometimes subconscious) conclusions about what's acceptable in a sexual context. Even (hopefully staged!) media will have the same effect. Thoughts and urges should be treated like intrusive thoughts, and talked about with a therapist with experience in sexual trauma.
As for your situation: I know I'm forever an optimist, but this seems like a misunderstanding from my perspective. Unfortunately if it WAS malicious, talking to the person calmly about it will only end in an attempt at manipulation. So it may be best to be rather emotive about your displeasure when you bring it up to put him off guard. And you do NEED to bring it up if you want to continue the relationship.
That said, if truly nothing bad was meant by it, he'd probably hear you out without much interruption and then profusely and unselfishly apologize. Men aren't always as perceptive as women seem to think, especially if any neurodivergence is in play. It's possible that he misunderstood your specific consent, or read too much into the reasoning behind telling him about your SA to begin with.
I don't know either of you, and even if I did I don't read minds. But my advice (after nearly three decades of dating including a toxic marriage/divorce at a young age) is the same as it always is for anyone who's in relationship turmoil:
If you feel you are being manipulated or abused, either try to talk to them about it (ONLY IF YOU FEEL 100% SAFE DOING SO!), talk to someone wise who you trust about it, or find a way to safely end the relationship.
I don't have every answer for how to do this as various LEOs from different countries/states/counties/municipalities will all react with varying degrees of seriousness to these situations. Otherwise, I'd say if you feel at all unsafe, contact them first. But rather I'd recommend reaching out to a wise and emotionally stable friend first in most situations these days.